Chapter 3: The Key to Pirates
(Thanks to King Doopliss for inspiring me to finish this chapter.)
Look! A happy face! : ) … What? We’re on the air?! OH @#$@$!!! Last time Mario and Co. got the Garnet Star from Poshley Sanctum! Now we go to the other not important characters!
Grodus: … You brought me a fake.
Beldam: WHAT?! THAT MEANS THE HERO CHARACTER LIED!
Marilyn: GUH!
Vivian: What she said! DUH!!!
Grodus: But she said-
Beldam: QUIET!
Everyone: …
Grodus: Wait… Why am I taking orders from you?! You follow orders from me! Go find a Crystal Star! …Crump! My staff is still missing!
Lord Crump: And I told you I didn’t sell it on eBay for less than five coins!
Bowser…
Bowser: Ok! We’re here in Poshley Heights! …But how did we get on the train?
Kammy: We didn’t use the train, My Lord.
Bowser: Then how do I know about the train here?
Kammy: Stroke of genius that’ll never happen again?
Bowser: … Yeah, that sounds about right!
Pennington: Duh…
Bowser: …
Kammy: Apparently, that guy was subjected to lethal brainwashing from Crazy, who is also the A-Block General, when he came here with everyone else including Mario on the train because this is where the train’s last stop is and he is saying duh!
Bowser: O_O
Kammy: … In other words, Mario was probably here and got the Crystal Star.
Bowser: Oh… D’OH!!!
Mario and Co…
Mario: What’s the point in going anywhere if I go blind?!
Yoshi: (crossing fingers behind back) You won’t go blind this time! The author said so!
Goombella: (somehow crossing fingers behind back) Yeah!
Mario: You can’t fool me! You’re making me think that it’s ok for me to open my eyes, which means it’s not safe for me to open my eyes, which will lead me to being blind, but unless you’re-
Goombella: STOP! You’re making no sense!
Mario: Yeah, I confused myself too…
Yoshi and Goombella: O_O
Mario goes to the pedestal.
The Thousand-Year Door: Yo M-Dawg! ‘Bout time you got here, fo’ rizzle!
Mario: O_o?
The Thousand-Year Door: Graffiti artists came by and tagged me, dawg!
Mario: …
One cleaning later…
The Thousand-Year Door: Thanks! Now, LIGHT SHOW!
*Click*
Mario: O_o?
The Thousand-Year Door: Uhh… Oops… I forgot to change the batteries!
Mario: …
The Thousand-Year Door: Now the plus side goes here… and the minus side goes here…
Mario: …
The Thousand-Year Door: Ok, I’m done! LIGHT SHOW!
Mario: GAH! MY EYES! Wait, why were there two jokes involving the door?
The Thousand-Year Door: SILENCE, NONBELIEVER! Go to Keelhaul Key!
Mario and Co. go to Prof. Farnsworth’s house.
Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I just found out that you need to ride a boat to Keelhaul Key! And why is my name Prof. Farnsworth? I’m Prof. Frankly!
Who cares?
Dr. Dingdong: …
Mario: Well we heard Dr. Dingdong! Now let’s go!
Mario and Co. leave for the inn/bar.
Barkeeper: How may I help you?
Mario: Do you know anyone with a boat?
Barkeeper: That guy over there.
Flavio: ACK! Flavio remembers you!
Mario: How?
Flavio: Flavio remembers because… I’M A TORPED… err… FLAVIO!
Mario: …
Flavio: For revenge, I shall say NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI!
Flavio explodes for no reason.
Pa-Patch: Happies! The captain is dead! … But now my life has no meaning! WHO CAN I ARGUE WITH NOW?!
Pa-Patch explodes for no reason.
The rest of the crew: OH NOEZ! WE HAVE NO COMIC RELIEF!
The rest of the crew explode for no reason.
Mario: …
Happies! I never liked those guys! So you have to use the make-shaft crew!
Mario: Ok.
Then Flavio comes back to life
Flavio: Flavio is not dead! Flavio has his precious Skull Gem! Flavio is going to Keelhaul Key!
Mario: …
Flavio: Flavio says Flavio will let the red man over there join us! Flavio says he bears no grudge on him whatsoever!
Mario: … Me?
Flavio: Yes you!
Mario: …
Flavio: But Flavio says Flavio’s ship needs a navigator!
Mario: Ok.
Mario and Co. go to the ship anyways.
Makeshift Crew: WE ARE ACTUALLY CAMEOS!
Mario: … Ok…
King Doopliss: Hi again!
Mario: … Why were your minions named ??? 1 and 2 if they were called Nameless Minions?
King Doopliss: I don’t know.
Crazy: I’ll meet you guys in the Pirate’s Grotto.
Crazy flies away.
Mario: … I’ll look for the navigator now.
Mario and Co. go to Dr. Dingdong.
Dr. Dingdong: A navigator lives next door!
Mario: … How did you know we wanted a navigator?
Dr. Dingdong: Magic. And my name is Frankly!
Mario: …
Mario and Co. go next door.
Bobbery: Hi.
Mario: Will you be our navigator?
Bobbery: K.
Mario: … What?! No ordeal of any kind to make you join us?!
Bobbery: Well I would have a minor ordeal about complaining about my dead wife, but I never liked my wife in the first place and so I was glad she died!
Mario: …
Mario and Co. and Bobbery go to the docks.
Shady: Hopefully, the witness protection program will help me hide here while I think up another excuse for not writing another chapter for Shadow Paper Mario 2…
Random Person: But you finished that.
Shady: OR DID I?!
Mario: … Moving on… Wait… WHAT THE @#$@#$ ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
Jelly: I moved onto the ship to find me.
Mario: …
Day: XO
Month: X
Today we set
off! … That’s all.
Day: XX
Month: X
Today we did
nothing!
Day: X*
Month: X
Today I got a
really bad allergic reaction from being near the Jelly guy who was looking
for himself!
Day: X%
Month: X
Today, Bobobo
went to an intergalactic fish market and tried to buy some fish, but the
guy wouldn’t sell him any. Then, Bobobo calmly blew up a nearby universe.
Wait, this isn’t my diary! Jelly Jiggler.
Then… OW!
OH NOEZ! He narrated too much and now his voice is hurting!
After finding a replacement narrator…
I have now moved on from a show to a story! This is bad! Well not as bad as my yard when I forget clean up after the dog… and I needed a new job anyways.
Mario: Just get on with it! We’ve been on hiatus for like a year or something!
Crazy: Don’t blame me for having writer’s block this whole time!
Goombella: Wow… I didn’t know someone could have writer’s block for that long…
Anyways, Mario and Co. eventually make it to Keelhaul Key!
Mario: That’s not supposed to happen…
Yoshi: What about the ghosts?
Who cares? Besides, no one ever mentioned anything about ghosts!
Mario: …
Flavio: Flavio says Mario should say sorry to the narrator!
Anyways, Mario said sorry, then an earthquake happened and the entire island sank to the depths of the ocean!
The End!
Did you like this submission?
Goombella: THAT NEVER HAPPENED!
Yeah, I can’t imagine anyone here apologizing even after they hurt a certain narrator’s feelings!
Jelly: Just give the tourists the facts, Narrator!
What!? He gets an appearance and I don’t?! It’s just like my old job!
Mario: TOO MUCH FILLER!
Mario and Co. enter the makeshift camp.
Flavio: Help! Flavio is being attacked by pirates!
Embers: … We aren’t pirates. We’re ghosts…
Flavio: Lies!
The Embers explode.
Mario: STILL TOO MUCH FILLER!
Mario and Co. eventually get to the bridge, where they see Four-Eyes, Bobbery, and a random Toad surrounded by Embers.
Bobbery: I’ve got an idea! You guys fight the Embers, while I flee back to the camp!
Four-Eyes and Random Toad: Ok!
Bobbery runs to Mario and Co. and they go to the area before the bridge.
Four-Eyes: Phew! That was close! We barely got out alive!
Random Toad: Yeah!
Mario: What the?! What happened to Bobbery?!
Four-Eyes: He’s fighting the Embers!
Goombella: I thought you guys were!
Random Toad: You liar.
Four-Eyes and the random Toad leave.
Mario: …
Mario and Co. go to bridge, cross it, and enter the area where the mustached statues are.
Bobbery: Help!
Mario kills the Embers, then hammers the tree Bobbery is in.
Bobbery: Thanks! Now I join you!
Mario: Wasn’t I supposed to get you Chuckola Cola?
Bobbery: I hate that stuff!
Bobbery joined the party! In battle he can explode and send out mini bombs with his Bomb Squad attack! Outside of battle, he can explode!
Bobbery: TO THE CAMP!
Bobbery leaves and comes back with Flavio.
Flavio: Mario wants Flavio’s Skull Gem?! The one that the house of Flavio has had for years?! Ok!
Mario: …
Mario puts the Skull Gem into the skull pattern’s eye.
Skull Pattern: Ow! DIE!
Mario: No.
Skull Pattern: … Please?
Mario: Never.
Skull Pattern: … Plea-
Mario throws dynamite at it and the skull pattern explodes, as well as the Skull Gem.
Flavio: AHHHHHHHHHHH! FLAVIO’S LIFE HAS NO MEANING!
Flavio eats a coconut.
Mario: …
Mario and Co. enter the Pirate’s Grotto.
Crazy: Right, to finish this chapter, we’re going to speed through things.
The Black Chest, a crank, and two hooded figures appear.
Black Chest: Get me a key!
Mario: No.
Mario opens the Black Chest without the Black Key.
Black Key: You were supposed to use me! Die!
Yoshi eats the Black Key.
Black Chest Demon: Weird… DIE!
The Black Chest Demon curses Mario.
Black Chest Demon: You can now turn into a tin boat! FOOL!
The Black Chest Demon disappears.
Mario: …
Mario puts the crank into a hole that it’s supposed to go in. The gate in the water opens, however, there are no boat panels around, and so Mario and Co. are now stuck.
Mario: What do we do now?
Crazy: Ask the hooded figures, you fool!
Crazy leaves.
Mario: …Can you help?
Hooded Figure 1: Sure, but we need to remove our hoods.
The two hooded characters reveal to be… Churro Charlie and General Lee Fishcake!
Mario: …How will you guys help?!
General Lee Fishcake: Churros make great life preservers! Go Churro Charlie!
Churro Charlie: Yes sir!
Mario and Co. hop into Churro Charlie, who goes into the water and down a waterfall.
Mario: Are we being followed?
Churro Charlie: Of course not! … Except for those fish!
Nibbles: FOOD!
Mario: AHH!
Mario pulls out an oar that’s in his pocket for some reason, and starts rowing like a maniac to the next area. Then Mario and Co. get out of Churro Charlie when they reach dry land. But then…
Crazy: I FINALLY CAUGHT ONE!
Crazy grabs Churro Charlie and enters a random house that’s in the Pirate’s Grotto for some reason.
Mario: … Weird…
Mario and Co. continue and find a ghost ship.
Shipwrecked Toads: What about us?!
What about you?
Shipwrecked Toads: …
In the ghost ship…
Cubus Sisters: Let’s play Dead Man’s Volley!
Mario: You aren’t in this Nintendo series!
Cubus Sisters: Oops…
The Cubus Sisters disappear to wherever they are from, though everyone knows what they are from... except some people…
Cortez: I’M ANGRY!
Mario: Why?
Cortez: Someone took my gold! And I lost my accent!
Mario: …
Cortez: DIE!
BOSS BATTLE!
Mario: 35HP
Bobbery: 20HP
Vs.
Cortez/Bone Pile:
20HP/20HP/20HP
Mario: Huh?
Mario attacks with Hammer!
Cortez: 18HP/20HP/20HP
Bobbery: Bomb… What the? OH MY DAD! STAMPEDE! RUN!
Mario and Bobbery jump off the stage. Then a herd of Muth run on the stage and over Cortez.
Cortez: 0HP/20HP/20HP!
Cortez: NOO! Phase 2!
Cortez turns into a weird thing with a jewel in his chest.
Cortez: 0HP/20HP/20HP
The Muth Stampede runs by again.
Cortez: 0HP/0HP/20HP
Cortez: D’oh! Phase 3!
Cortez turns into a floating head. His weapons are also floating.
P.T.: Hey! Floating Head Minion was my idea! DIE!
P.T. beats up Cortez.
Cortez: 0HP/0HP/0HP
Cortez: D’oh!
END OF BOSS BATTLE!
Mario: … Wow! We didn’t have to do anything!
Cortez: Even if you do beat me, I’ll just keep coming back!
Bobbery: Can we have the Crystal Star?
Cortez: That blue star?
Mario: Yeah.
Cortez: Ok! I never liked it anyways!
Mario and Co: …
Mario grabs the Star.
Mario: What? No light show?
Sapphire: I just don’t feel like it.
Mario: Happies!
Cortez: Now get out of here! I just found out a Grim Reaper of some sort took my gold this time! I must kill it!
Cortez kicks Mario and Co. out through the window.
Mario: … Ow…
Mario and Co. go back and find a crack.
Bobbery: I know what to do!
Bobbery runs up to the crack.
Bobbery: Ok! This is my chance to show I’m the best crack opener ever! … Open Sesame!
Everyone: …
Bobbery: … That’s all I got.
Mario lights a random Bob-omb and throws it at the crack. The Bob-omb explodes, and the wall opens.
Bobbery: … I could’ve done that.
Goombella: But you didn’t.
Flavio: About time!
Suddenly a ship appears.
Four-Eyes: Hi!
Flavio: Get over here!
Four-Eyes: Never! Besides, I’m not really Four-Eyes! I’m…
Four-Eyes spins around and reveals himself to be…
Not Four-Eyes: Mimi! Mimimimimimi!
Everyone: HUH?!
Mimi: I don’t get it either. Anyways, bye!
Mimi flips out. Another ship appears.
Flavio: Four-Eyes! Get over here!
Four-Eyes: No! Besides, I’m not really Four-Eyes! I’m…
Four-Eyes reveals himself to be…
Not Four-Eyes: Lord Crum-
Mario: Lord Crump?
Not Four-Eyes: No! Lord Crumb!
Everyone: …
Lord Crumb: Bye!
Lord Crumb and his ship sail away. Lord Crump appears on a badly beaten ship.
Lord Crump: Sorry we’re late! We saw an X on our Sea Chart, so we went there! We got a nickel, but it turned out that we were in the Seas of the Minus World and because it was part of the Minus World, we tried to escape, but couldn’t. Then we eventually died, and ended up in World 1-1 because of a 1-Up Mushroom. Then we sailed away from there while being attacked by Cannon Boats, then came over here.
Everyone: …
Lord Crump: … What? Anyways, DIE!
Lord Crump fires cannons at the island.
Cortez: Stop shooting my island!
Lord Crump: Never!
Cortez: Just for that…
Cortez’s ship appears, with everyone on it for some reason, and they sail to Lord Crump’s ship.
Cortez: Attack!
Lord Crump: A tack! … I mean, attack!
X-Nauts jump on Cortez’s ship and jump back. Flavio’s crew do the same, only to the X-Nauts’ ship.
Flavio: Flavio thinks Mario should duel the cad known as Crump!
Mario: Ok.
Mario and Co. hop on the X-Nauts’ ship, but…
X-Nauts’ Ship’s Computer: WARNING! THE SHIP HAS TOO MANY PASSENGERS! THE SHIP IS NOW GOING TO SINK!
Their ship sinks. Mario and Co. hop onto Cortez’s ship just in time.
Lord Crump: … D’oh! I’ll be back!
Lord Crump uses a random X-Naut as a raft, and uses another X-Naut as an oar.
END OF CHAPTER!
… I got nothing.
The old narrator is back! You can go now.
What?! No! I can’t! I need this job! I need to pay for a pizza I just bought! Curse you, extra cheese!