Tin Mario: The Thousand-Year Door

By Crazy Koopa

Chapter 5: Castle and Dragon

You know the drill.

Grodus: … Mario has four Crystal Stars and we have one… What’s wrong with you minions?!

Lord Crump, The Shadow Sirens, and the X-Nauts: We’re incompetent!

Grodus: … At least you all admitted it…


Peach: What now?!

TEC: Quiz Time! Answer all five questions or else!

Peach: Or else what?

TEC: I’ll…  uhh…  send bad people to your house!

Peach: You don’t know where I live!

TEC: I do. It’s in the Mushroom Kingdom, Peach’s Castle on St. 2134 Mushroom Way.

Peach: O_O  Fine!

TEC: Question one! Who owns Bowser’s Castle?
A: Bowser
B: Bowser Door 2
C: Muffin

Peach: A!

TEC: Wrong! It’s C: Muffin! Next question, what happens if you open the Thousand-Year Door?
A: You get rich
B: You beat Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door
C: Muffin

Peach: Never heard of it. I’ll just say B.

TEC: Wrong! It’s C: Muffin! Next question, what happens if you go deep in the Palace of Shadow behind the Thousand-Year Door?
A: The Shadow Queen awakens.
B: Nothing
C: Muffin

Peach: I’m just gonna say C: Muffin.

TEC: Wrong! It’s A: The Shadow Queen awakens! Next question, how many chapters are in this story?
A: 8
B: 9
C: Muffin

Peach: A: 8.

TEC: Wrong! It’s B: 9! No, seriously, not counting the Prologue. It’s 9.

Peach: O_O

TEC: Final question! Where does the ninth chapter take place?!
A: The Palace of Shadow
B: ????????????????????????
C: Bowser’s Castle
D: Castle Bleck
E: The X-Naut Fortress
F: The Glitz Pit
G: Planet Shroob
H: Under Rogueport
I: Peach’s Castle
J: If I Told You It Would Spoil The Readers
K: Muffin

Peach: How come this question has the most answers?

TEC: Answer the question.

Peach: Fine. J: If I Told You It Would Spoil The Readers

TEC: Correct! Congratulations! You may send a message!

Peach: Why? The author always forgets to put them in.

TEC: … Oh…  Oh well.


Bowser is seen in Boggley Woods in The Great Tree.

Bowser: My Crystal Star Senses are tingling!

Kammy: My Lord, you don’t have Crystal Star Sense.

Bowser: Shut up, hag!

Kammy: …

Bowser approaches a Puni.

Bowser: You! Thing! Tell me where the Crystal Star is!

Puni: ACK! A monster! Everyone! Come out!

All the Punis come out.

Bowser: Uhh…

Punis: Die!

The Punis pull out a giant axe.

Bowser: O_O  RUN, HAG!

Bowser and Kammy run away.


Mario: You know. We went to the blinding lights, etc.

At Frankly…


I wasn’t finished. Frankly Von Stupid Guy

Frankly Von Stupid Guy: … Anyways, the Crystal Star is in Petal Meadows.

Mario: Ok.

Mario and Co. enter the sewers and find a Blooper.

Guy: Then I…  uhh…  LINE!


Guy: Cheese, you nitwit!

Director: …

Then Mario and Co. find an actual Blooper.

Blooper: BLOOP! (Can I kill you?)

Mario: No.

Blooper: BLOOP! (Aww…)

Mario and Co. enter the pipe. They are now in Petal Meadows. Hooktail flies by really high in the sky.

Goombella: That’s Hooktail! He’s heading towards the castle that appeared on the map! That must mean that place is Hooktail Castle!

Mario: Shouldn’t it be Hooktail’s Castle?

Goombella: Why should it be Hooktail’s Castle?

Mario: … I completely hate this place…

Mario and Co. continue on and eventually make it to Petalburg.

Koopa: Welcome to Petalburg!

Mario: Ok.

Goombella: Can we go to Hooktail Castle?

Koopa: Shouldn’t it be called Hooktail’s Castle?

Goombella: Why should it be Hooktail’s Castle?

Koopa: … Anyways, you need to visit Shhwonk Fortress.

Mario: … That’s a dumb name.

Koopa: Who cares?

Mario: …

Mario and Co. go right since that’s the only place to go, and find a Koopa guarding a gate.

Koopa Guarding a Gate: Halt! You cannot go to Shhwonk Fortress!

Mario: Why?

Koopa: A monster lives there!

Mario: … What kind of monster?

Koopa: I don’t know! We just know there’s a monster in there!

Flurrie: How?

Koopa: Do not question things you cannot understand! Anyways, you have to go see Mayor Kroop to go to Shhwonk Fortress!

Bobbery: Where’s he live?

Koopa: In that pink house!

Everyone: …

Mario and Co. go to Kroop’s house and find a Koopa with amazing eyebrows.

Kroop: What?

Mario: Can we go to Shhwonk Fortress?

Kroop: What?

Goombella: Can we go to Shhwonk Fortress, sir?

Kroop: What?

Flurrie: Can we go to Shhwonk Fortress?

Kroop: What?

Yoshi: Can we go to Shhwonk Fortress, old man?

Kroop: What?

Bobbery: Oy! Can we go to Shhwonk Fortress?

Kroop: What?

Ms. Mowz (who appeared out of nowhere): Can we go to Shhwonk Fortress?

Kroop: What?

Mario: What the?! Since when was she with us?!

Ms. Mowz: Well the author always gets me before going to Keelhaul Key in the game, thus making me a partner he always gets, so he put me in the story.

Mario: … Weren’t we supposed to get you from the Trouble Center?

Ms. Mowz: No. The Trouble Center is useless in a story. So is the Pit of 100 Trials… usually…  Some people like adding that…

Mario: …

Kroop: What?

Everyone: (in a voice so loud that even a deaf person can hear) CAN WE GO TO SHHWONK FORTRESS?!

Kroop: What?

Everyone: …

Mario: You know what? We’ll just go without permission!

Mario and Co. go to the Koopa.

Koopa: The mayor filled me in! You can continue.

Everyone: O_O

Koops: Hi! I’m Koops. Can I come with you to Hooktail’s Castle?

Goombella: It’s called Hooktail Castle.

Koops: Shouldn’t it be called Hooktail’s Castle?

Goombella: Why should it be Hooktail’s Castle?

Koops: … I’ll think about that…

Mario and Co. leave him to think, and continue on. In the first building, they see Bald Clefts

Mario: Weird…

Bald Clefts: WE HAVE NO HAIR!

Mario and Co. leave them and enter the next building to find…

Mario: WHAT THE?! Where’d the Bristles go?!

Jelly Jiggler: No! I live here!

Mario: …

Jelly: Anyways, I’m still looking for me. Go leave!

Mario and Co. continue and enter the real Shhwonk Fortress.

Mario: A Thwomp statue?

Thwomp Statue: Yup! I was built here!

Mario: Are you the monster?

Thwomp: Yup! The Petalburg residents built me!

Mario: Then why do they fear you if they built you?

Thwomp: You’d be amazed at what I do.

Mario: What?

Thwomp: GIVE A QUIZ!

Mario: …

Thwomp: Anyways, if you want to continue, participate in my quiz!

Goombella: Couldn’t we just pull that lever right there that says “Skip Quiz!”?

Thwomp: … Well you can…  I mean, I can’t stop you or anything.

Goombella pulls the lever.

Thwomp: Curses! You have answered all the questions correctly! You can continue!

The Thwomp explodes. A pipe appears.

Mario: Ok…

Mario and Co. enter and find a Sun Stone.

Voice: You got a Sun Stone! Use it to evolve certain Pokemon!

Mario: …

Mario and Co. enter a hallway and find a Moon Stone.

Voice: You got a Moon Stone! Use it to evolve certain Pokemon!

Mario: …

Mario and Co. try to leave, but get stopped by Fuzzies.

Fuzzies: SHINY!

Mario: …

Mario and Co. kill the Fuzzies. A Gold Fuzzy appears.

Gold Fuzzy: You will give us back out SHINY stones!

Yoshi: Wait, if you’re gold, doesn’t that mean you’re shiny?

Gold Fuzzy: … YOU’RE RIGHT! SHINY!

Mario and Co. leave Shhwonk Fortress. They are about to leave Petalburg when Koops appears.

Koops: Hi again. Can I join?

Mario: Sure.

Koops joined the party! In battle he can use Shell Shot to attack on enemy or use Power Shell to attack all ground enemies! Outside of battle, he can hit far away things with his shell!

Koops: Yay!

Mario and Co. continue and go back to the rocks they saw earlier.

Mario: I don’t remember seeing those…

Uhh… Do not question things you cannot understand! Mario puts the Sun and Moon Stones in the right spots.

Rocks: YAY!

The rocks explode and reveal a pipe to Hooktail Castle!

Mario: Finally! Let’s go!

Mario and Co. enter Hooktail Castle. They cross the bridge somehow and enter the room with many Dull Bones. There Koops sees a Dull Bones with blue shoes.

Koops: OH NOEZ! That’s my dad! And he has a letter! Let’s read it!

Letter: Dear person reading my letter, thus making them invaders of privacy and grave robbers. If you are reading this, I am dead. Hooktail killed me. Wait, how could I write this letter then? Anyways, Hooktail’s weakness is an annoying chirping sound that sounds like a cricket. Get one, or you’ll end up like me. Not only that, but I’ll send bad people to your house. And I’m just guessing, the reader will live in the Mushroom Kingdom on Mushroom Way St. 3421. And that person also has a Koopa who lives in Petalburg on Koop Way St. 2993. And there are other people like a Goomba girl who lives somewhere but mostly with that guy with so many wrong names so I’ll send bad people there, a Wind Spirit who lives in Boggley Woods, a Yoshi who’ll live in the Glitz Pit, a Bob-omb who lives next door to that guy with so many wrong names, and a Mowz that owns a Badge Shop in Rogueport.

Everyone: O_O

Koops: … Anyways, I’ll continue reading

Letter: So that’s all I’m saying. Oh, and if your name is Koops, I’m not your father. I’m really the author in a cheap Dull Bones disguise.

Koops: …

The Dull Bones gets up.

Dull Bones: It’s true! Every word! Now if you don’t mind, I’ll be taking my letter back!

The Dull Bones removes the disguise and he really is Crazy! Crazy takes the letter and leaves.

Everyone: …

Koops: … Why’s that Dull Bones over there red?

Red Bones: Because I am Red Bones! I know this because… I’M A TORPEDO!

Everyone: …

Red Bones: No, seriously, I’m a torpedo!

Red Bones removes what apparently is a mask and reveals he is in fact a Torpedo! Torpedo Ted to be exact.

Torpedo Ted: TORPEDO AWAY!

Torpedo Ted flies away. Mario and Co. continue and find… A BLACK CHEST!

Black Chest: Hey! Let me out and-

Before he finishes, Mario opens it with a crowbar.

Black Chest Demon: WHEE HEE! FOOL!

Mario: Just hurry up and curse me.

Black Chest Demon: Killjoy. Fine, here’s the curse to turn into a 2D thing and… yeah…

Mario and Co. leave and eventually make it to that room where they meet Ms. Mowz.

Ms. Mowz: My Badge Senses are tingling! There is a badge in that box!

Mario opens the box and finds a badge! No, I’m not telling!

Ms. Mowz: Yay!

Mario and Co. continue and eventually make it outside the tower to Hooktail’s lair.

Paratroopa: You skipped us! Now you must die! Prepare to face the wrath of what people face in Hooktail’s Castle!

Goombella: It’s called Hooktail Castle.

Paratroopa: Shouldn’t it be called Hooktail’s Castle?

Goombella: Why should it be Hooktail’s Castle?

Paratroopa: …

Mario and Co. enter Hooktail’s lair.

Hooktail: Hi!

Mario: Listen, can we just kill you so we can get on with our lives and finish this stupid quest we’re on?

Hooktail: No! I’m gonna kill you!

Mario: Anyways, Koops also wants to kill you for killing his dad.

Koops: I didn’t tell you that yet!

Goombella: You did… five seconds after you joined… then five seconds after that… then five seconds after that… and yeah…

Koops: Oh…

Hooktail: Hello?! Still here!

Yoshi: Chill, dude!

Hooktail: *shocked* I’M A GIRL!

Yoshi: Ouch…

Hooktail: DIE!


Mario: 45 HP
Koops: 10 HP
Hooktail: 20 HP

Mario equips the badge! Mario jumps!
Hooktail: OH NOEZ! I hate crickets!
Koops: Why?
Hooktail: Because that one movie with the talking puppet was horrible! And it has a cricket in it!
Everyone: …
Hooktail: 14 HP

Koops uses Shell Shot!
Hooktail: 12 HP

Hooktail breathes fire!
Mario: 42 HP
Koops: 7 HP

Mario uses Spring Jump!
Hooktail: 0 HP!

Hooktail: Oh no! I’ve been defeated! … How about this?  I’ll give you 1,000 coins if you let me live!

Mario: Impossible. You can’t carry more then 999 coins.

Hooktail: Then how about a rare badge?

Mario: Ms. Mowz?

Ms. Mowz: My Badge Senses aren’t tingling!

Hooktail: D’oh! How about the keys to my precious Hooktail’s Castle?

Goombella: It’s called Hooktail Castle.

Hooktail: Shouldn’t it be called Hooktail’s Castle?

Goombella: Why should it be Hooktail’s Castle?

Hooktail: … I live here and I don’t get it… Anyways…

Hooktail leaves and enters the audience section and eats some audience members!

Mario: Wait, how long has there been an audience watching us? I thought that was a one-time thing in the beginning!


Mario: … Now that I think of it… I remember I got another Hammer!

Mario looks and notices it changed into a Super Hammer. Now Mario has two Super Hammers!

Hooktail: I healed!
Hooktail: 10 HP

Mario uses Dual Super Hammer!
Hooktail: 0 HP!

Hooktail: WHAT?! WHY?!

Because I feel like it!

Hooktail: …

… Oh fine! You still have 1 HP.
Hooktail: 1 HP

Hooktail: My turn!

???: NO! MY TURN!

??? turns out to be… Jelly Jiggler!

Jelly: It’s my turn to fight!
Jelly jumps into Hooktail’s mouth! Hooktail swallows!
Hooktail: 0 HP!


Hooktail: D’oh!

Hooktail lays on her back… unmoving… Then she spits out a blue shell… and Jelly Jiggler.

Koops: Dad?

The blue shell moves and… reveals wings?! … Oh…

Crazy: Nope! Me again!

Then Hooktail spits out another blue shell.

Koops: Dad?

The blue shell moves and… reveals a Koopa with eyebrows and a beard!

Koopley: Finally! I’m out!

Koops: DAD!

Koopley: Hi Koops! What are you doing here?

Koops: Defeating Hooktail!

Koopley: Ok. By the way, do you know what this is?

Koopley pulls out the Crystal Star.


Koopley: If you know what it is, you can have it I guess.

Diamond Star: LIGHT SHOW!

Mario: GAH!

Diamond Star: I let you use Earth Tremor!

Koopley: Now to leave Hooktail’s Castle!

Goombella: It’s called Hooktail Castle.

Koopley: Shouldn’t it be called Hooktail’s Castle?

Goombella: Why should it be Hooktail’s Castle?

Koopley: …


Why does Goombella know Hooktail Castle is called Hooktail Castle? Why are there questions now? Why was Crazy in a Dull Bones outfit? Why does Kroop live in a pink house? Why can’t he hear anything?

Kroop: What?

… Anyways, find out in Chapter 6: Mario Shoots the Moon! Wait, that’s the Chapter 7 of the game and the place where Peach is… What’s going on?!

Crazy: Oh, I know how to do that chapter and change it to a Chapter 6.

… I’m trusting you for now…

Read on!

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