Chapter 6: Mario Shoots The Moon
Mario and Co. have successfully found the Crystal Stars from Glitzville, Poshley Heights, Keelhaul Key, Boggly Woods, and Hooktail Castle. They are nearly done with this stupid quest. To the Moon!
Grodus: Hmm... X-Naut! Has TEC been making the princess do things for him?
X-Naut: Yup!
Grodus: WE MUST SHUT HIM DOWN!
With Peach...
Peach: Is there something you want now, TEC?
TEC: ... WE’RE ON THE MOON!
Peach: Really?! I can finally build a castle on the Moon!
TEC: No! That’s a bad thing! You must use the teleporter on Sublevel 2!
Grodus: NO! I caught you!
TEC: D’oh!
Peach: Ha ha! You’re a literal chrome dome!
Grodus: Well that’s not very nice! Just because I’m bald and really have a dome for a head doesn’t mean I’m a chrome dome!
X-Naut 1: Actually you are, dude.
X-Naut 2: I have to agree, sir dude.
TEC: Baldy.
Grodus: ... You’re all against me! WAH!
Everyone: ...
Grodus: ... Anyways, SHUT HIM DOWN!
The X-Nauts pull out clubs and start whacking TEC with them, breaking screens and highly expensive parts.
TEC: Hey! Watch the hard drive! Not the monitor! My camera eye! My security! My firewall! Hey! An Email! AHHH! VIRUS!
TEC starts to shutdown.
TEC: ... ... .Beep... ... ... ... .Good bye! You got mail! Welcome! Beep... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .
TEC turns off for real.
Grodus: ...
Peach: ...
X-Nauts: ...
Grodus: ... Crump!
Lord Crump enters.
Lord Crump: Yes?
Grodus: Watch the Fortress!
Lord Crump: K.
Lord Crump leaves the Fortress and goes outside. From there, he looks at the Fortress. Meanwhile, Grodus and those other people leave.
With Bowser...
Bowser: To Petalburg for real this time!
Bowser goes through a World 1-1 ripoff and enters Petalburg.
Kammy: You! Koopa! Where’s the Crystal Star?!
Koopa: Never heard of it!
The Koopa leaves.
Bowser: Crud! ... Hey! There’s Peach!
Peach: ...
Kammy: I have a feeling something stupid will happen.
The Koopa from earlier comes back.
Koopa: I knew I forgot something!
The Koopa takes his life-size Peach poster and leaves.
Bowser: ... D’oh!
Mario and Co...
Mario: Ok, after another blinding experience, and somehow finding an Ultra Hammer by accident in Rogueport...
Toadette: You got the Ultra Hammer! Time to teach you!
Mario: ...
7,468,723,548,751,234,801,264,106,106,140,761,507,816,857,648,961,986,016... Ok! We get it! A really long number of lessons later!
Mario: Ugh... Time to go to the Moon...
Mario and Co. go to That Guy’s house.
That Guy: I’M FRANKLY, DARN IT! Anyways, you need an Ultra Hammer to go to Fahr Outpost. They have a cannon that can take you to the Moon!
Mario: We have an Ultra Hammer. Where’d the pipe?
That Guy: Under the west side! You need to be thin!
Mario and Co. leave and enter the west side underground. Mario destroys the stone block blocking the way and continues and goes into the pipe to an icy area.
Mario: It’s freezing!
Mario and Co. continue and find Frost Piranhas and Ice Puffs.
Ice Puff 1: Wait, I’m a cloud. Clouds are made of water... and I’m not a storm cloud... so technically I’m made of water!
All the Ice Puffs freeze.
Other Ice Puffs: (WAY TO GO!)
Frost Piranha: How do Frost Piranhas even exist? I’m just a plant!
The Frost Piranha dies from the logic.
Mario and Co: ...
Mario and Co. continue and eventually make it to Fahr Outpost.
Mario: Hi! Do you know where a cannon that can shoot us to the Moon is?
Mayor: Nine!
Mario: Nine what?
Mayor: Nine means no!
Bobbery: But I saw a cannon here before!
Mayor: D’oh! Fine! You need to find Goldbob and General White.
Bobbery: Ok.
Mario and Co. go ALL the way to Poshley Heights.
Mario: (panting) That... took... forever...
Goldbob: What do you want!?
Mario: To use the cannon in Fahr Outpost!
Goldbob: Nine!
Mario: Why no?
Goldbob: No! I mean I want nine coins!
Mario: ... Why?
Goldbob: You’re not rich enough to understand.
Mario: ...
Mario gives Goldbob nine coins.
Goldbob: Yay! Here, have this permission slip.
Mario obtains a permission slip!
Mario: ... Why do I want to go to Happy Hair Hunt Land to the MAX?
Goldbob: Oops. That’s for young Bub. Here!
Mario obtains a permission to use the cannon thingy!
Sylvia: We have enough coins to buy little Bub what he wants!
Goldbob and his family leave.
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. return back to Fahr Outpost.
Mayor: Where’s General White, you ask? I don’t know!
Mario: ... Is he that guy around that house over there?
Mario points to a house with General White standing outside the door.
Mayor: No, that’s not General White! That’s General White!
Mario: ... So he’s General White?
Mayor: NINE! That’s not General White in the slightest! It’s General White!
Mario: YOU MAKE NO SENSE!
Mayor: I like pudding!
Mario and Co: ...
Mario and Co. go see General White.
General White: Yes?
Mario: Can you help us fire the cannon?
General White: Sure! But I lost the key to the control room!
Mario: ... How do we get in then?
General White: I thought of a good idea!
General White grabs a nearby pillar and leaves. Mario and Co. follow and see he’s using the pillar as a battering ram to destroy the door to the control room.
Mario and Co: ...
General White: Ok, I have to get used to the controls again.
General White opens the cannon hatch. Then he starts locking on a target.
General White: FIRE!
BOOM!
The cannon fires at... Planet Shroob! It explodes!
General White: D’oh!
Mario: Glad I wasn’t in there that time!
Yoshi: Who knew a simple pebble could do that?
General White: Ok! I got it this time!
General White starts locking on another target.
General White: FIRE!
BOOM!
The cannon fires at... Glitzville! The flying city starts falling and crashes into Hooktail Castle!
General White: Don’t you mean Hooktail’s Castle?
Goombella: It’s called Hooktail Castle.
General White: Shouldn’t it be called Hooktail’s Castle?
Goombella: Why should it be Hooktail’s Castle?
General White: ... Anyways, the darn wind got it that time! I’m out of pebbles! But luckily, this time I’m prepared!
General White starts locking on another target.
General White: FIRE!
BOOM!
The cannon fires at... the Moon! Good thing Mario and Co. were in it that time!
Mario: Finally! We’re... What the?
Mario and Co. find a flag.
Flag: The Moon. Property of Bub, son of Goldbob of Goldbobbingtons.
Mario and Co: ...
Goombella: Wait, how are we breathing?
Mario: ACK! Wait! I got it! I’ll use this fishbowl!
Mario puts on the fishbowl.
Goombella: Logically that makes it harder to breathe.
Mario: Oh...
Mario’s head explodes.
[c]Game Over!
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Ms. Mowz: What kind of ending is that?!
Mario suddenly reforms.
Mario: Good thing I had a Life Shroom! This time I’ll use my old spacesuit from Super Mario Land 2.
Mario puts on said spacesuit.
Mario: How’re you guys breathing?
Partners: Magic.
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. continue and eventually find Lord Crump.
Mario: Huh?
Lord Crump: Hi Mario! I’m here watching the fortress!
Mario: ... Doesn’t that mean you lead it for now until your leader gets back?
Lord Crump: I don’t know. I’m having fun watching it, though!
An explosion is heard from inside the Fortress.
Lord Crump: Yay! More fireworks!
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. go down a pipe and enter the X-Naut Fortress.
Elite X-Nauts: WAZZAP?!
Mario kills them.
Partners: ...
Mario: ... What? I didn’t even know if what they said was a stupid thing or a threat!
Partners: ...
Mario and Co. continue and find a room with HEAVY security: lasers, electric tiles, security cameras, sensor bombs, a bottomless pit that opens when a non-electric tile is hit, you know? All sort of absolutely hard stuff that no one can penetrate. Not even Ms. Mowz could go through it.
Mario and Co: O_O
Mario: Well... one of us has to go.
Yoshi: I vote Ms. Mowz!
Ms Mowz: What?! You heard the guy! He said even I couldn’t go through it!
Mario: Too bad. You go.
Ms. Mowz: ...
Ms. Mowz goes in... and surprisingly, makes it to the box and back ok!
Ms. Mowz: Yes!
But just then, 2 Elite X-Nauts appear with an X-Yux. Not just any X-Yux though... Failed X-Yux Experiment #64, or Random Boy, Yux, or “Shut up Yux”!
Elite X-Nauts: You dudes are about to see the end of the world!
Yux: What’s that got to do with me?!
Elite X-Naut 1: WE MADE YOUR PERFECT MATCH!
Elite X-Naut 2: Meet Failed X-Yux Experiment #65!
Another Yux (apparently a girl): I LOVE YOU!
Yux: Yay!
Then the whole place starts to shake. On Plit, all the volcanoes (Mt. Lavalava, Thwomp Volcano, Barrel Volcano, etc) erupt, earthquakes start, fire starts to rain from the sky, all things Nintendo burst to flames, than the world explodes.
[c]The End!
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Mario: WHY THE UNDERWHERE IS THE AUTHOR MAKING IT LOOK LIKE THE FF ENDS SO EARLY ALL THE TIME?!
Mario grabs a remote and rewinds the scene. Mario then uses a computer, hacks into my document, and deletes that part of the chapter.
Author’s Note: November 1st: I played Super Mario Galaxy! Just felt like telling you.
Mario: ... Why would the tourists care?
Author’s Note: Because I wanted an appearance! :(
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. continue and somehow enter the room with the 3 card key thingies.
Mario: I know!
Mario puts the card key in one, but...
Thingy 1: ACCESS DENIED!
Mario tries to put it in another one, but...
Thingy 2: ACCESS DENIED!
Mario tries to put it in the last one...
Thingy 3: COOKIES! ... I MEAN, ACCESS DENIED!
Mario: ...
Yoshi: Try what I do!
Yoshi touches the door that opens with the card keys. It falls down.
Mario: ... How do the X-Nauts go through these doors without knocking them down?
X-Naut PhD: I can tell you that. Logically, we don’t really touch the doors. Even if we do, we just use duct tape to tape it back up. And if that doesn’t work, we just pretend that door never existed.
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. continue and eventually make it to the last room.
Lord Crump: Hi!
Mario: I thought you were outside watching the base!
Lord Crump: No I wasn’t! I was outside watching the base!
Mario: I just said that!
Lord Crump: Liar.
Mario: ...
Lord Crump: Anyways... COME, MAGNUS VON GRAPPLE 2.0!
Lord Crump reveals Magnus 2.0, a black version of Magnus 1.0 with a 2 on the chest and a spike on each arm instead of round half-circle thingies.
Lord Crump: Prepare to die!
BOSS BATTLE!
Mario: 50 HP
Ms. Mowz: 20
HP
Vs.
Magnus 2.0: 70
HP
Lord Crump: DIE!
...
Mario: ... Well?
Lord Crump: CRUD! I was so focused on giving Magnus 2.0 all these weapons, that I forgot to add any movement!
Mario: ... So you’re a sitting duck?
Lord Crump: Pretty much.
Mario and Ms. Mowz approach Magnus 2.0.
Lord Crump: Wait! I can still do this!
Magnus 2.0 fires its fists.
Lord Crump: A tack!
Arms: WHERE?!
The arms explode.
Lord Crump: ...
Mario: ...
Ms. Mowz: ...
Mario: ... You’re really incompetent, you know that?
Lord Crump: Yup.
Mario and Ms. Mowz use LOTS-O-PAIN!
Magnus 2.0: 20 HP
Lord Crump: Hang on! I remember I added jetpacks!
Magnus 2.0 starts flying using jetpacks.
Lord Crump: Buh huh huh! ... Why haven’t I ever laughed until now?
Magnus 2.0 flies out to the audience.
Lord Crump: Activating vacuum!
Magnus 2.0 starts sucking in audience members with a vacuum, but then he realizes he sucked in a Bob-ulk.
Lord Crump: Oh crud...
BOOM!
Magnus 2.0: 10 HP
Mario: Huh?
It’s like Brobot L-Type.
Mario: Ah, that makes sense.
Lord Crump: ... Anyways, DIE!
Magnus 2.0 locks on to Mario and Ms. Mowz, and fires the audience members at them.
Mario: 40 HP
Ms. Mowz: 10
HP
Mario uses Wrench!
Ms. Mowz uses
Screwdriver!
Magnus 2.0 Robot
Parts: 0 HP
Lord Crump: D’oh!
END OF BOSS BATTLE!
Magnus 2.0 explodes. The Crystal Star drops.
Mario: What Crystal Star is that?
Goombella: The Crystal Star!
Mario: Yes I know it’s a Crystal Star. I mean what kind?
Goombella: A Crystal Star!
Mario: Yes it’s a Crystal Star, Goombella. I mean what kind of jewel?
Goombella: Crystal Star.
Mario: Ok, you’re sounding like an idiot. I mean, the first one was the Gold Star, second was the Garnet Star, third was the Sapphire Star, the fourth was the Emerald Star, and the fifth was the Diamond Star. Which one is this?
Goombella: IT’S FREAKING CRYSTAL!
Mario: ... There’s a Crystal Crystal Star?
Goombella: Yup!
Mario: ... That’s dumb.
Crystal Star: LIGHT SHOW!
Mario: ...
Crystal Star: I let you use Supernova!
END OF CHAPTER!
I’ve got nothing still. Anyways, find out on Chapter 7: For Pigs the Bell Tolls!