Chapter 7: For Pigs the Bell Tolls
Ok, I’m confused. My script says there’s a Peach Event. But Mario’s already on the Moon…
Crazy: Just go with it!
Ok! Fine! With Pea- Wait… THAT’S NOT PEACH!
“Peach”: Of course I’m Lychee! I mean, Peach!
You’re not Peach at all, Jelly.
Jelly Jiggler: Of course I’m Peach!
… No, you’re just in Peach’s outfit. Fine, I’ll go with it.
TEC: ... Uhh... Peach? Are you ok? You look a little... blue...
Jelly: Of course I’m fine!
TEC: ... Anyways, I want you to talk to Grodus.
Jelly: Ok.
“Peach” goes up the elevator and into Grodus’s room.
Grodus: O_O Uhh... Are you ok, Princess?
Jelly: I’m fine!
Grodus: ... What do you want?
Jelly: Why are you keeping me here?
Grodus: Why does that matter? I’m just a hologram of Grodus! The real Grodus is hiding somewhere in Rogueport! That explains why I’m here!
Jelly: Ok.
“Peach” goes back to TEC.
Jelly: ...
TEC: ...
Weird... That makes no sense whatsoever...
Mario: So that explains why he didn’t appear last chapter...
Hey! I’ts time for a Bowser Event! ... Wait, it says the Bowser Event is at the end this time... Never mind! Anyways, Mario and Co. go to TEC’s room, because they’re still on the Moon. How they didn’t see Jelly or Grodus, we’ll never know.
TEC: Hi! I’m TEC! I managed to survive a beating by various X-Nauts! Peach is somewhere on Plit! But RPG Laws and Adventure Game Laws clearly state that you can’t see her because you just can’t. Now use the teleporter on Sublevel 2!
Mario and Co. go to Sublevel 2, and go in the teleporter to underneath Rogueport.
Mario: Weird... To the Thousand-Year Door as usual.
The Thousand-Year Door: Well! It looks like you’re only one Crystal Star away! LIGHT SHOW!
Mario: I’m used to it now!
The Thousand-Year Door: Killjoy.
Mario and Co. go to Big Al’s house.
Big Al: For the last time! I’m Frankly!
Mario: ...
Grodus: Shush! I am not hiding under this crazy Goomba!
Peach: HELP!
Mario: Huh?
Grodus: WE’RE NOT HERE!
Mario: Oh. Ok.
Peach: ...
Big Al: Anyways, the next Crystal Star is in Twilight Town’s Creepy Steeple! Go there via a brown pipe under Rogueport around Fahr Outpost’s pipe!
Yoshi: We tried that in a deleted scene in the last chapter. It spat us out.
Big Al: Fine. Then use this! And I’m Frankly!
Fruitcake gives Mario and Co. a cell phone.
Fruitcake: Speed dial 1. And didn’t you use this name before?!
I don’t recall.
Fruitcake: ...
Mario and Co. go down to the brown pipe.
Mario: Hello? Can you help?
Cell Phone: ...
Mario: ... There’s no reception!
???: SHINY!
Mario: ... How is a cell phone shiny?
??? turns out to be a random Elasto Piranha in the brown pipe.
Elasto Piranha: Give me the cell phone, and I’ll move!
Mario: Ok.
The Elasto Piranha goes away.
Darkly: You were supposed to use me! Die!
Yoshi eats Darkly.
Ms. Mowz: I just realized something! Nickels don’t exist on Plit!
Mario: Your point?
Ms. Mowz: Lord Crump said he got a nickel in Chapter 3!
Mario: Oh...
Mario and Co. go into the brown pipe and go through!
Twilight Town Citizen: Welcome to Twilight Town!
Mario: ... Do you know where the Crystal Star is?
Twilight Town Citizen: Nope!
The Twilight Town citizen goes away. A white thing appears.
White Thing (Dusk): Hi!
Mario: Do you know where the Creepy Steeple is?
Dusk: Oh! You’re in the wrong Twilight Town! This is the Kingdom Hearts version! You want the Mario version in that pipe over there!
Mario: Thanks!
Dusk: No problem!
Mario and Co. enter the pipe and enter the right Twilight Town.
Goombella: That guy was oddly polite...
Twilight Town Citizen: Welcome to Twilight Town! Save us!
Mario: From what?
Twilight Town Citizen: A curse! A monster named Doopliss is in the Creepy Steeple! And he turns us into pigs! And to make Doopliss stop, we have to find out his name! But no one knows Doopliss’ name!
Mario: ... Is it Doopliss?
Twilight Town Citizen: How should I know?! I don’t know Doopliss’ name!
Mario: ...
RING!
Twilight Town Citizen: OH NOEZ! THE BELL RANG!
The Twilight Town citizen turns into a pig.
Mario: ...
Mayor: Hi! I’m the mayor! You can call me Dour!
Mario: Ok.
Dour: You must be here to stop Doopliss! Come into my house!
Mario and Co. go to Dour’s house.
Dour: Now... WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?!
Mario: You invited us!
Dour: Oh. That’s ok then.
Mario: ...
Dour: Doopliss lives in the Creepy Steeple! He has a shiny CRYSTAL-like STAR!
Mario: Why did you capitalize Crystal and Star?
Dour: How do you even know I said it like that?
Mario: Good point.
Dour: Now go!
Mario and Co. go to the gate.
Gatekeeper: You may not pass!
Mario: But the mayor told us to stop Doopliss!
Gatekeeper: No one can stop Doopliss! You have to know his name!
Mario: ... Doopliss?
Gatekeeper: Yeah, you have to know that name. But you don’t! So there!
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. enter the nearest shop.
Shopkeeper: Hi!
Mario: Aren’t you supposed to be sad?
Shopkeeper: No! My husband is gone!
Mario: ...
Shopkeeper: However, I feel sort of sad since he had the key to the storeroom. Without that key, I can’t get any items to sell.
Mario: Why do all the Paper Mario games have some shopkeeper who loses their storeroom key?
Crazy: Super Paper Mario didn’t have one!
Howzit and Notso: It’s true!
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. go to the mayor’s house and see he turned into a pig!
Mario: ...
Goombella: Well this stinks! How do we get past the gatekeeper now?
Pig: I told you, you can go to the Creepy Steeple!
Mario: O_O YOU CAN TALK?!
Pig: Yup!
Mario: HOW?!
Pig: It’s Plit! Nothing makes sense on Plit!
Goombella: He has a good point...
Mario and Co. go to the gatekeeper, who turned into a pig even though there wasn’t any bell ringing...
RING!
POOF! I turn into a pig! Curses!
Hi! I’m the new narrator! Anyways, Mario and Co. continue and eventually make it to the Creepy Steeple.
Mario: What about Twilight Trail?
... Oops... Scratch that last part out! Mario and Co. find a key, go back to the store, and open the storeroom.
Shopkeeper: Now I’m not sad anymore!
Mario and Co.: ...
Mario and Co. go in and find a Black Chest.
Black Chest: O-
Mario opens it with TNT.
Black Chest Demon: *cough* WHEE HEE! *cough* FOOLS!
Mario: Just give me the stupid curse.
Black Chest Demon: ... Something about using that 2D curse from the Black Chest in Hooktail’s Castle and turning into a tube.
Goombella: It’s called Hooktail Castle.
Black Chest Demon: Shouldn’t it be called Hooktail’s Castle?
Goombella: Why should it be Hooktail’s Castle?
Black Chest Demon: ... Overused joke, I say.
The Black Chest Demon leaves. Mario and Co. continue and get to the Creepy Steeple for real this time.
Mario: It’s not that creepy.
After using some totally fake cheat code that still works, Mario and Co. make it to Doopliss’ room.
Doopliss: DIE!
BOSS BATTLE!
Mario: 60 HP
Goombella: 30
HP
Vs.
Doopliss: 40
HP
Mario uses Dual
Ultra Hammers!
Doopliss: 30
HP
Goombella uses
Multibonk!
Doopliss: 20
HP
Doopliss: This
battle is so rigged!
Doopliss uses
Transform! Doopliss turns into a Shadow Mario!
Doopliss: Now
you’re fighting yourself!
Mario: You liar.
Doopliss: I know.
Mario uses Dual
Ultra Hammers!
Doopliss: 10
HP
Goombella uses
Multibonk!
Doopliss: 0 HP!
Doopliss: Who
cares? I get fought again anyways!
END OF BOSS BATTLE!
“Mario”: We won!
Goombella: You aren’t Mario.
“Mario”: I am too!
Ruby Star: Liar. I’d be doing a light show, but I’m not. That means you aren’t.
Goombella: Oh well. Our script says we have to go with him.
Partners and Ruby Star: Ok.
The Shadow Mario wakes up. And because I feel like it, I’m calling him Shadow Mario outside of battles.
Shadow Mario: Ow... My head... Why am I named Shadow Mario? Oh... I’m a shadow... Dang...
Beldam: VIVIAN! You lost the Superbomomb I was holding!
Vivian: ...
Doopliss and Mario’s partners walk by.
Beldam: THERE HE IS! DIE!
Doopliss: Huh? AHH!
The Shadow Sirens attack Doopliss.
Koops: Should we do something about that?
Flurrie: Nah, he’s really the bad guy.
Back to Shadow Mario...
Shadow Mario goes to town but gets stopped by a beaten “Mario”.
“Mario”: Guess my name!
Shadow Mario: Doo liss! ... Huh?
“Mario”: I removed the Letter “p” from the author’s keyboard! Now you can’t say my name!
Shadow Mario is nowhere to be found.
“Mario”: ... D’oh!
Shadow Mario finds the Shadow Sirens.
Beldam: Go away! I’m making Vivian find our Superbombomb!
Mario: Aren’t you supposed to be somewhere else?
Beldam: ... Oh... Come, Marilyn!
Marilyn: G- You know what? I’m stopping this whole stupid “GUH!” nonsense once and for all! I’m a human-
Shadow Mario: Shadow
Marilyn: Shadow being! Like you! I can talk! I mean really! What was Nintendo’s idea for making me only say “GUH!” in the first place?! The only other thing I got to say was “The Three” and that’s it! I’m sick of it, I tell you! Sick of it!
Everyone: O_O
Marilyn: I’m so glad I got that off my chest.
Shadow Mario: ... Right... Anyways, I’m supposed to be partnered with Vivian now.
Beldam: Ok.
Vivian joined the party! In battle, she can use her Shade Fist to attack people and burn them, or hide in the shadows with Mario using her Veil technique! Outside of battle, she can use her Veil technique and hide in the shadows!
Shadow Mario: To the Steeple!
Shadow Mario and Vivian go to the Steeple after passing “Mario”.
“Mario”: Time to- DARN IT!
Vivian: Why are we here?
Shadow Mario: Remember that deleted scene?
Flashback! I haven’t appeared until now! :(
Crow 1: So I talked to this guy, who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy’s cousin, that the Mario in town is really Doopliss!
Crow 2: I see... Well I talked to this guy, who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy’s cousin, that the Shadow Mario and Vivian are eavesdropping on us!
End of Flashback!
Vivian: ...
Boos: You skipped us! Die!
The Boos form into the Atomic Boo.
Shadow Mario: Isn’t that copyright infringement?
Boolossus: He’s right! I turn into me by fusing Boos! You can’t do that! I’m suing!
Atomic Boo: D’oh!
Shadow Mario then finds a parrot and the Letter “p”.
Parrot: Hey! That’s mine! Die!
The Parrot eats the Letter “p” but dies from choking.
Shadow Mario: ... Time to go back anyways.
Shadow Mario and Vivian go back and find “Mario”.
“Mario”: This time I got you! You can’t stop me! You have to guess my name!
Shadow Mario types in the Doo and writes in the p and typesthe liss.
Doopliss: ... You so cheated.
Shadow Mario: And it’s still legitimate.
Doopliss: So true. I run away!
Doopliss runs to the Creepy Steeple.
Shadow Mario: To the Creepy Steeple!
Because this scene is a repeat of earlier, just go back up and read the same part, only replace Mario with Shadow Mario and Goombella with Vivian.
Doopliss: That was fast. I got your partners! Die!
Vivian: I’m supposed to stay out of the battle for a while.
BOSS BATTLE!
Mario: 60 HP
Vs.
Doopliss: 40
HP
Goombella: 30
HP
Mario uses Dual
Ultra Hammers!
Doopliss: 30
HP
Doopliss uses
Jump!
Mario: 55 HP
Goombella uses
Multibonk!
Mario: 53 HP
Doopliss: Wait,
how come you did 10 earlier but 2 now?
Goombella: Because
I’m with you. Villains are way weaker then heroes.
Doopliss: ...
Vivian: I’m here.
Vivian: 30HP
Mario uses Dual
Ultra Hammers!
Doopliss: 20
HP
Vivian uses Shade
Fist!
Doopliss: 15
HP and Burned!
Doopliss uses
Jump!
Mario: 48 HP
Goombella does
nothing!
Doopliss: Why?
Because I feel
like it!
Doopliss: ...
BURN!
Doopliss: 14
HP
Mario uses Dual
Ultra Hammers!
Doopliss: 4 HP
Doopliss: What’s
the point? Next turn I’m going to lose.
Fog rolls in!
Everyone: ...
Vivian uses Shade
Fist!
Miss!
Doopliss uses
Jump!
Miss!
Goombella uses
Multibonk!
Miss!
Burn attacks!
Miss!
Mario uses Defog!
The fog is gone!
Vivian uses Shade
Fist!
Doopliss: 0 HP!
END OF BOSS BATTLE!
Doopliss: D’oh!
Mario: Finally! Now people can’t mistake me for Shadow Mario!
Ruby Star: LIGHT SHOW!
Mario: Still used to it.
Ruby Star: Killjoy. I let you use Art Attack.
RING!
Doopliss: Ha! Bet you weren’t expecting that!
Meanwhile...
The mother of those 3 kids turns into a pig.
Kid 3: Hey! Are pigs good eating?
The kids approach the pig…
Back to those guys.
Doopliss: ...
RING!
Doopliss turns into a pig.
Doopliss: ...
END OF CHAPTER!
Bowser Event time!
Bowser: Hi!
Lord Crump: Hi!
Kammy: Tell us where the Crystal Stars are!
Lord Crump: Mario has them!
Bowser: Aren’t you supposed to ask me first, then we start fighting each other with our armies?
Lord Crump: Who cares?
Bowser: Good point.
Random Paragoomba: MARIO’S AT THE THOUSAND-YEAR DOOR!
Bowser: Ok.
Finally getting to the stinking end. Anyways, why was this chapter so boring? Why was the Dusk so polite? Where was Jelly Jiggler for real in this chapter besides the Peach event?
Meanwhile...
Shopkeeper: Hi!
Twilight Town Citizen: I’m here to buy something.
Jelly: Buy me!
... My question was answered... Anyways, find out in the last chapter, Chapter 8: The Thousand-Year Door!
*whisper... whisper... *
... What? It’s not the end after the Palace of Shadow? ... That means I have to edit what I said... Anyways, find out in Chapter 8: The Thousand-Year Door!