Tin Mario: The Thousand-Year Door

By Crazy Koopa

Chapter 7: For Pigs the Bell Tolls

Ok, Iím confused. My script says thereís a Peach Event. But Marioís already on the MoonÖ

Crazy: Just go with it!

Ok! Fine! With Pea- WaitÖ THATíS NOT PEACH!

ďPeachĒ: Of course Iím Lychee! I mean, Peach!

Youíre not Peach at all, Jelly.

Jelly Jiggler: Of course Iím Peach!

Ö No, youíre just in Peachís outfit. Fine, Iíll go with it.

TEC: ... Uhh... Peach? Are you ok? You look a little... blue...

Jelly: Of course Iím fine!

TEC: ... Anyways, I want you to talk to Grodus.

Jelly: Ok.

ďPeachĒ goes up the elevator and into Grodusís room.

Grodus: O_O  Uhh... Are you ok, Princess?

Jelly: Iím fine!

Grodus: ... What do you want?

Jelly: Why are you keeping me here?

Grodus: Why does that matter? Iím just a hologram of Grodus! The real Grodus is hiding somewhere in Rogueport! That explains why Iím here!

Jelly: Ok.

ďPeachĒ goes back to TEC.

Jelly: ...

TEC: ...

Weird... That makes no sense whatsoever...

Mario: So that explains why he didnít appear last chapter...

Hey! Iíts time for a Bowser Event! ... Wait, it says the Bowser Event is at the end this time... Never mind! Anyways, Mario and Co. go to TECís room, because theyíre still on the Moon. How they didnít see Jelly or Grodus, weíll never know.

TEC: Hi! Iím TEC! I managed to survive a beating by various X-Nauts! Peach is somewhere on Plit! But RPG Laws and Adventure Game Laws clearly state that you canít see her because you just canít. Now use the teleporter on Sublevel 2!

Mario and Co. go to Sublevel 2, and go in the teleporter to underneath Rogueport.

Mario: Weird... To the Thousand-Year Door as usual.

The Thousand-Year Door: Well! It looks like youíre only one Crystal Star away! LIGHT SHOW!

Mario: Iím used to it now!

The Thousand-Year Door: Killjoy.

Mario and Co. go to Big Alís house.

Big Al: For the last time! Iím Frankly!

Mario: ...

Grodus: Shush! I am not hiding under this crazy Goomba!

Peach: HELP!

Mario: Huh?

Grodus: WEíRE NOT HERE!

Mario: Oh. Ok.

Peach: ...

Big Al: Anyways, the next Crystal Star is in Twilight Townís Creepy Steeple! Go there via a brown pipe under Rogueport around Fahr Outpostís pipe!

Yoshi: We tried that in a deleted scene in the last chapter. It spat us out.

Big Al: Fine. Then use this! And Iím Frankly!

Fruitcake gives Mario and Co. a cell phone.

Fruitcake: Speed dial 1. And didnít you use this name before?!

I donít recall.

Fruitcake: ...

Mario and Co. go down to the brown pipe.

Mario: Hello? Can you help?

Cell Phone: ...

Mario: ... Thereís no reception!

???: SHINY!

Mario: ... How is a cell phone shiny?

??? turns out to be a random Elasto Piranha in the brown pipe.

Elasto Piranha: Give me the cell phone, and Iíll move!

Mario: Ok.

The Elasto Piranha goes away.

Darkly: You were supposed to use me! Die!

Yoshi eats Darkly.

Ms. Mowz: I just realized something! Nickels donít exist on Plit!

Mario: Your point?

Ms. Mowz: Lord Crump said he got a nickel in Chapter 3!

Mario: Oh...

Mario and Co. go into the brown pipe and go through!

Twilight Town Citizen: Welcome to Twilight Town!

Mario: ... Do you know where the Crystal Star is?

Twilight Town Citizen: Nope!

The Twilight Town citizen goes away. A white thing appears.

White Thing (Dusk): Hi!

Mario: Do you know where the Creepy Steeple is?

Dusk: Oh! Youíre in the wrong Twilight Town! This is the Kingdom Hearts version! You want the Mario version in that pipe over there!

Mario: Thanks!

Dusk: No problem!

Mario and Co. enter the pipe and enter the right Twilight Town.

Goombella: That guy was oddly polite...

Twilight Town Citizen: Welcome to Twilight Town! Save us!

Mario: From what?

Twilight Town Citizen: A curse! A monster named Doopliss is in the Creepy Steeple! And he turns us into pigs! And to make Doopliss stop, we have to find out his name! But no one knows Dooplissí name!

Mario: ... Is it Doopliss?

Twilight Town Citizen: How should I know?! I donít know Dooplissí name!

Mario: ...

RING!

Twilight Town Citizen: OH NOEZ! THE BELL RANG!

The Twilight Town citizen turns into a pig.

Mario: ...

Mayor: Hi! Iím the mayor! You can call me Dour!

Mario: Ok.

Dour: You must be here to stop Doopliss! Come into my house!

Mario and Co. go to Dourís house.

Dour: Now... WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?!

Mario: You invited us!

Dour: Oh. Thatís ok then.

Mario: ...

Dour: Doopliss lives in the Creepy Steeple! He has a shiny CRYSTAL-like STAR!

Mario: Why did you capitalize Crystal and Star?

Dour: How do you even know I said it like that?

Mario: Good point.

Dour: Now go!

Mario and Co. go to the gate.

Gatekeeper: You may not pass!

Mario: But the mayor told us to stop Doopliss!

Gatekeeper: No one can stop Doopliss! You have to know his name!

Mario: ... Doopliss?

Gatekeeper: Yeah, you have to know that name. But you donít! So there!

Mario: ...

Mario and Co. enter the nearest shop.

Shopkeeper: Hi!

Mario: Arenít you supposed to be sad?

Shopkeeper: No! My husband is gone!

Mario: ...

Shopkeeper: However, I feel sort of sad since he had the key to the storeroom. Without that key, I canít get any items to sell.

Mario: Why do all the Paper Mario games have some shopkeeper who loses their storeroom key?

Crazy: Super Paper Mario didnít have one!

Howzit and Notso: Itís true!

Mario: ...

Mario and Co. go to the mayorís house and see he turned into a pig!

Mario: ...

Goombella: Well this stinks! How do we get past the gatekeeper now?

Pig: I told you, you can go to the Creepy Steeple!

Mario: O_O  YOU CAN TALK?!

Pig: Yup!

Mario: HOW?!

Pig: Itís Plit! Nothing makes sense on Plit!

Goombella: He has a good point...

Mario and Co. go to the gatekeeper, who turned into a pig even though there wasnít any bell ringing...

RING!

POOF! I turn into a pig! Curses!

Hi! Iím the new narrator! Anyways, Mario and Co. continue and eventually make it to the Creepy Steeple.

Mario: What about Twilight Trail?

... Oops... Scratch that last part out! Mario and Co. find a key, go back to the store, and open the storeroom.

Shopkeeper: Now Iím not sad anymore!

Mario and Co.: ...

Mario and Co. go in and find a Black Chest.

Black Chest: O-

Mario opens it with TNT.

Black Chest Demon: *cough* WHEE HEE! *cough* FOOLS!

Mario: Just give me the stupid curse.

Black Chest Demon: ... Something about using that 2D curse from the Black Chest in Hooktailís Castle and turning into a tube.

Goombella: Itís called Hooktail Castle.

Black Chest Demon: Shouldnít it be called Hooktailís Castle?

Goombella: Why should it be Hooktailís Castle?

Black Chest Demon: ... Overused joke, I say.

The Black Chest Demon leaves. Mario and Co. continue and get to the Creepy Steeple for real this time.

Mario: Itís not that creepy.

After using some totally fake cheat code that still works, Mario and Co. make it to Dooplissí room.

Doopliss: DIE!

BOSS BATTLE!

Mario: 60 HP
Goombella: 30 HP
Vs.
Doopliss: 40 HP

Mario uses Dual Ultra Hammers!
Doopliss: 30 HP

Goombella uses Multibonk!
Doopliss: 20 HP

Doopliss: This battle is so rigged!
Doopliss uses Transform! Doopliss turns into a Shadow Mario!
Doopliss: Now youíre fighting yourself!
Mario: You liar.
Doopliss: I know.

Mario uses Dual Ultra Hammers!
Doopliss: 10 HP

Goombella uses Multibonk!
Doopliss: 0 HP!
Doopliss: Who cares? I get fought again anyways!

END OF BOSS BATTLE!

ďMarioĒ: We won!

Goombella: You arenít Mario.

ďMarioĒ: I am too!

Ruby Star: Liar. Iíd be doing a light show, but Iím not. That means you arenít.

Goombella: Oh well. Our script says we have to go with him.

Partners and Ruby Star: Ok.

The Shadow Mario wakes up. And because I feel like it, Iím calling him Shadow Mario outside of battles.

Shadow Mario: Ow... My head... Why am I named Shadow Mario? Oh... Iím a shadow... Dang...

Beldam: VIVIAN! You lost the Superbomomb I was holding!

Vivian: ...

Doopliss and Marioís partners walk by.

Beldam: THERE HE IS! DIE!

Doopliss: Huh? AHH!

The Shadow Sirens attack Doopliss.

Koops: Should we do something about that?

Flurrie: Nah, heís really the bad guy.

Back to Shadow Mario...

Shadow Mario goes to town but gets stopped by a beaten ďMarioĒ.

ďMarioĒ: Guess my name!

Shadow Mario: Doo liss! ... Huh?

ďMarioĒ: I removed the Letter ďpĒ from the authorís keyboard! Now you canít say my name!

Shadow Mario is nowhere to be found.

ďMarioĒ: ... Díoh!

Shadow Mario finds the Shadow Sirens.

Beldam: Go away! Iím making Vivian find our Superbombomb!

Mario: Arenít you supposed to be somewhere else?

Beldam: ... Oh... Come, Marilyn!

Marilyn: G- You know what? Iím stopping this whole stupid ďGUH!Ē nonsense once and for all! Iím a human-

Shadow Mario: Shadow

Marilyn: Shadow being! Like you! I can talk! I mean really! What was Nintendoís idea for making me only say ďGUH!Ē in the first place?! The only other thing I got to say was ďThe ThreeĒ and thatís it! Iím sick of it, I tell you! Sick of it!

Everyone: O_O

Marilyn: Iím so glad I got that off my chest.

Shadow Mario: ... Right... Anyways, Iím supposed to be partnered with Vivian now.

Beldam: Ok.

Vivian joined the party! In battle, she can use her Shade Fist to attack people and burn them, or hide in the shadows with Mario using her Veil technique! Outside of battle, she can use her Veil technique and hide in the shadows!

Shadow Mario: To the Steeple!

Shadow Mario and Vivian go to the Steeple after passing ďMarioĒ.

ďMarioĒ: Time to- DARN IT!

Vivian: Why are we here?

Shadow Mario: Remember that deleted scene?

Flashback! I havenít appeared until now! :(

Crow 1: So I talked to this guy, who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guyís cousin, that the Mario in town is really Doopliss!

Crow 2: I see... Well I talked to this guy, who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guy who said something about another guyís cousin, that the Shadow Mario and Vivian are eavesdropping on us!

End of Flashback!

Vivian: ...

Boos: You skipped us! Die!

The Boos form into the Atomic Boo.

Shadow Mario: Isnít that copyright infringement?

Boolossus: Heís right! I turn into me by fusing Boos! You canít do that! Iím suing!

Atomic Boo: Díoh!

Shadow Mario then finds a parrot and the Letter ďpĒ.

Parrot: Hey! Thatís mine! Die!

The Parrot eats the Letter ďpĒ but dies from choking.

Shadow Mario: ... Time to go back anyways.

Shadow Mario and Vivian go back and find ďMarioĒ.

ďMarioĒ: This time I got you! You canít stop me! You have to guess my name!

Shadow Mario types in the Doo and writes in the p and typesthe liss.

Doopliss: ... You so cheated.

Shadow Mario: And itís still legitimate.

Doopliss: So true. I run away!

Doopliss runs to the Creepy Steeple.

Shadow Mario: To the Creepy Steeple!

Because this scene is a repeat of earlier, just go back up and read the same part, only replace Mario with Shadow Mario and Goombella with Vivian.

Doopliss: That was fast. I got your partners! Die!

Vivian: Iím supposed to stay out of the battle for a while.

BOSS BATTLE!
Mario: 60 HP
Vs.
Doopliss: 40 HP
Goombella: 30 HP

Mario uses Dual Ultra Hammers!
Doopliss: 30 HP

Doopliss uses Jump!
Mario: 55 HP

Goombella uses Multibonk!
Mario: 53 HP
Doopliss: Wait, how come you did 10 earlier but 2 now?
Goombella: Because Iím with you. Villains are way weaker then heroes.
Doopliss: ...

Vivian: Iím here.
Vivian: 30HP

Mario uses Dual Ultra Hammers!
Doopliss: 20 HP

Vivian uses Shade Fist!
Doopliss: 15 HP and Burned!

Doopliss uses Jump!
Mario: 48 HP

Goombella does nothing!
Doopliss: Why?
Because I feel like it!
Doopliss: ...

BURN!
Doopliss: 14 HP

Mario uses Dual Ultra Hammers!
Doopliss: 4 HP
Doopliss: Whatís the point? Next turn Iím going to lose.

Fog rolls in!
Everyone: ...

Vivian uses Shade Fist!
Miss!

Doopliss uses Jump!
Miss!

Goombella uses Multibonk!
Miss!

Burn attacks!
Miss!

Mario uses Defog!
The fog is gone!

Vivian uses Shade Fist!
Doopliss: 0 HP!

END OF BOSS BATTLE!

Doopliss: Díoh!

Mario: Finally! Now people canít mistake me for Shadow Mario!

Ruby Star: LIGHT SHOW!

Mario: Still used to it.

Ruby Star: Killjoy. I let you use Art Attack.

RING!

Doopliss: Ha! Bet you werenít expecting that!

Meanwhile...

The mother of those 3 kids turns into a pig.

Kid 3: Hey! Are pigs good eating?

The kids approach the pigÖ

Back to those guys.

Doopliss: ...

RING!

Doopliss turns into a pig.

Doopliss: ...

END OF CHAPTER!

Bowser Event time!

Bowser: Hi!

Lord Crump: Hi!

Kammy: Tell us where the Crystal Stars are!

Lord Crump: Mario has them!

Bowser: Arenít you supposed to ask me first, then we start fighting each other with our armies?

Lord Crump: Who cares?

Bowser: Good point.

Random Paragoomba: MARIOíS AT THE THOUSAND-YEAR DOOR!

Bowser: Ok.

Finally getting to the stinking end. Anyways, why was this chapter so boring? Why was the Dusk so polite? Where was Jelly Jiggler for real in this chapter besides the Peach event?

Meanwhile...

Shopkeeper: Hi!

Twilight Town Citizen: Iím here to buy something.

Jelly: Buy me!

... My question was answered... Anyways, find out in the last chapter, Chapter 8: The Thousand-Year Door!

*whisper... whisper... *

... What? Itís not the end after the Palace of Shadow? ... That means I have to edit what I said... Anyways, find out in Chapter 8: The Thousand-Year Door!

Read on!


 
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