Chapter 8: The Thousand-Year Door
Last time Mario and Co. got the last freaking Crystal Star! A celebration, I say! But before that, we must finish this chapter!
Mario: To the door and stuff...
Frankly: Hi!
Goombella: ... Why aren’t you complaining about your name, Prof. Frankly?
Frankly: Because I’m not... uhh... I mean, because I’m over that! Go to the Thousand-Year Door.
They go to the door.
The Thousand-Year Door: SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME MEGA LIGHTSHOW!
Mario: GAH! IT’S BRIGHTER THAN USUAL! I’M BLINDED!
One correctional eye surgery later...
Mario: Ok.
Mario and Co. try to go through the door but realize...
Mario: Wait... IT’S NOT EVEN OPEN!
The Thousand-Year Door: Use the key under the welcome mat!
Mario finds a key.
Mario: Do I use this to open you?
The Thousand-Year Door: Of course not! You use the key inside the box that that key opens!
Mario: ...
Mario opens a nearby box that holds a key. Mario uses that key to open the Thousand-Year Door.
Mario: ... How come you never told us that we could’ve done that this whole time?
The Thousand-Year Door: Because I like bossing you around!
Frankly: Ok, Slicks, I’m leaving... (to himself) Why didn’t I call them Slick when I first appeared?
Mario and Co. enter and find... a Goomba?
Mario: ... Why is there a Goomba here?
Goomba: I was the voice of the Thousand-Year Door! I was the one bossing you around! Welcome to The Palace of Shadow!
Mario: ...
Mario kills the Goomba. Then Mario and Co. continue with extreme ease.
Goombella: Why aren’t there any monsters?
Logically, the monsters shouldn’t even live anymore. They’ve been stuck behind a door for 1,000 years. How could they have got food?
Goombella: Good point.
Mario and Co. continue and find rusty B. Bill Blasters.
Mario: ...
The B. Bill Blaster shoots a rusty Bombshell Bill. It flies at the group slowly.
Mario and Co: ...
Mario: Man! This is ridiculously easy!
Mario and Co. continue, passing various rooms. In the spike room, the spikes don’t appear because no one ever thought anyone would get past the first room for some reason. In the Firebar room, the fires are all out because of the lack of Phantom Embers.
Mario: What do you mean lack of Phantom Embers? I see one right there!
Phantom Ember: ...
All the Phantom Embers are just eyes.
Mario: Oh... But that doesn’t explain why the Firebars aren’t here.
How do you think the fires were lit in the first place?
Mario: Oh...
Mario and Co. continue and eventually enter the Dark Bones’s room.
Dark Bones: YOU MAY NOT PASS!
Dry Bones fall from the sky... and collapse.
Mario: ...
Goombella: ...
Koops: ...
Flurrie: ...
Yoshi: ...
Vivian: ...
Bobbery: ...
Ms. Mowz: ...
Dark Bones: ...
Mario: Why don’t you just write “Everyone: ... ”?
I’m lazy!
Mario: But saying everyone is faster.
Do not question things you cannot understand!
Mario: ...
Dark Bones: Anyways, die!
The Dark Bones moves one step forward and turns to dust.
Everyone: ...
Mario and Co. continue and make it to the Riddle Tower place, in front of which are Chomp skeletons.
Mario: My DAD! The people were stupid to seal all these enemies here without food!
Jelly Jiggler: But I’m here!
Mario: ...
Jelly: Anyways, I must continue finding me!
Mario and Co. continue and find something challenging at last!
Gloomtail: I AM GLOOMTAIL!
Mario: We know. We fought you in Glitzville.
Gloomtail: Oh yeah... Why do I get the feeling that a Dark Koopa is hailing me and telling others to on the Lemmy’s Land Forum?
Mario: That’s just your imagination.
Gloomtail: Oh...
Goombella: And we’re just figments of your imagination!
Gloomtail: Ok...
Koops: You will give us your Star Key, which I have no idea why I know about.
Gloomtail: Ok.
Gloomtail spits out a box with the Star Key in it.
Flurrie: Thank you.
Mario and Co. leave.
Gloomtail: What nice figments of my imagination I have!
Mario and Co. are now in the Riddle Tower.
Mario: Huh?
Goombella: We need to solve eight riddles, four on the first floor and four on the second floor.
Mario: Oh.
Mario and Co. enter one of the rooms.
Riddle 1: What is this place? ___ ____ __ _____
Mario: ...
Mario fills in the blank with “The Palace of Shadow”.
Riddle 1: Correct!
Riddle 1 explodes and leaves a key.
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. enter another room.
Riddle 2: Who lived in Hooktail’s Castle?
Goombella: It’s called Hooktail Castle.
Riddle 2: Shouldn’t it be Hooktail’s Castle?
Goombella: Why should it be Hooktail’s Castle?
Riddle 2: ...
Koops: OVERUSED JOKE!
Mario: Hooktail!
Riddle 2: Correct!
Riddle 2 explodes and leaves a key. Mario and Co. continue.
Riddle 3: How do you spell “A”?
Everyone: ...
Mario: A?
Riddle 3: Correct!
Riddle 3 explodes and leaves a key. Mario and Co. continue.
Riddle 4: What is the most important thing for a Chicken Salad to be a Chicken Salad?
Mario: ... Chicken?
Riddle 4: Correct!
Riddle 4 explodes and leaves a key.
Mario: If this was the first floor, I can’t wait for the second! Let’s go!
Bobbery: Hopefully with less overused jokes.
Mario and Co. enter the first riddle door on the second floor. Hey! That rhymes! And this room is also called the fifth riddle of the tower.
Riddle 5: What’s as big as a mountain but smaller than a mouse?
Everyone: O_O
Mario: ... Uhh... A giant, ever-deflating balloon?
Riddle 5: Wrong!
Mario: Are you even going to tell us the answer?
Riddle 5: Nope!
Mario kills Riddle 5. The corpse leaves a key. Mario and Co. enter the next room.
Riddle 6: Which
face was never used in this entire story or the prequels?
(O_O) (TT^TT)
(O_o?) (+o+)
Mario: Simple! The +o+ face!
Riddle 6: Wrong!
Mario: O_O WHAT?! THEN WHAT’S THE ANSWER?!
Riddle 6: None of the faces! If you look at a logical point of view, all of the faces were used in that riddle, thus making them used in this story!
Mario: ... That is true...
Mario kills Riddle 6 anyway. Mario and Co. grab the key and continue.
Riddle 7: What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Mario: Clapping?
Riddle 7: Wrong! There is no sound!
You can tell what happens.
Mario: My DAD! These last riddles are ridiculously hard!
Riddle 8: Translate: “Pyrite in the face!”
Mario: ... “Pyrite in the face!”?
Riddle 8: Wrong! It’s “PIE RIGHT in the face!”
You know what happens. Mario and Co. enter the top floor.
Mario: Huh?
Goombella: Strange thingy...
Flurrie: Us saying overused joke a lot.
Eight pedestals with keyholes appear. Mario and Co. put one in each. The contraption in the room starts to move.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Mario: Huh?
It came from the hallway where you went to Gloomtail.
Mario: Oh.
Mario and Co. leave and try to go down that hallway, but get stopped.
Beldam: Mwee hee hee! We’re stopping you here!
Marilyn: Yeah!
Frankly: Indeed!
Vivian: Professor?
Frankly: I’m not Frankly! I’m...
Frankly transforms.
“Frankly”–
Mario: Doopliss?
“Frankly”: No! Mimi!
Everyone: ...
“Mimi”: ... Ok, so I’m lying.
“Mimi” transforms.
“Mimi”: I’m Doopliss!
Vivian: Wait, didn’t you turn into a pig?
Doopliss: Funny story, really. I-
Beldam: Nobody cares! Come, my sort of lovelies! Marilyn! Freak-sheet! We must beat them and that traitor Vivian!
Marilyn: Ok.
Doopliss: ...
MINI-BOSS BATTLE!
I HAVEN’T APPEARED UNTIL NOW! :(
Mario: 70 HP
Vivian: 30 HP
Vs.
Beldam: 30 HP
Marilyn: 40 HP
Doopliss: 40
HP
Mario uses Dual
Ultra Hammers!
Beldam: 20 HP
Vivian uses Fiery
Jinx!
Beldam: 10 HP
(WEAK!)
Marilyn: 35 HP
Doopliss: 35
HP
Beldam uses Icy
Wind!
Mario: 65 HP
Vivian: 25 HP
Marilyn uses Charge!
Marilyn gains
+7 ATK!
Doopliss uses
Transform!
Doopliss transforms
into Vivian!
Mario: Woah... Creepy... It’s like fighting them in Boggly Woods only here.
Vivian: Do I really look like that?
Mario uses Supernova!
Beldam: 0 HP!
Marilyn: 20 HP
Doopliss: 20
HP
Beldam: Curses!
Vivian uses Shade
Fist!
Doopliss: 15
HP
Marilyn uses Charge!
Marilyn gains
+7 ATK!
Doopliss uses
Shade Fist!
Mario: 60 HP
Mario uses Jump!
Doopliss: 9 HP
Vivian uses Infatuate!
Marilyn is Confused!
(Seriously, it can work on her... Don’t ask... )
Doopliss is Confused!
Marilyn unleashes
Lightning! ... On herself and Doopliss!
Marilyn: 0 HP!
Doopliss: 0 HP!
END OF MINI-BOSS BATTLE! I HAVEN’T APPEARED EITHER! :(
Mario and Co. continue. But since this part is boring, we filled it in with this weird guy.
Weird Guy: IH!
Tippi: He said “HI!”
The Weird Guy is really Fleep! But since Mario and Co. amazingly finished that fast, we must go back!
Grodus: GACK ACK ACK!
Mario: What kind of laugh is that?
Grodus: No I was choking.
Mario: ... A robot/literal chrome dome that can choke?
Grodus: That joke was already used!
Mario: Oh...
Goombella: Where’s your army?
Grodus: The regular and Elite X-Nauts tested a time machine.
Flashback!
X-Naut: Dudes! We should test this time machine!
Other X-Nauts: K.
They do and end up on Earth during the Revolution. The time machine explodes.
Patriot: Look! More enemy soldiers!
X-Naut: ... Dudes? Did we bring weapons?
Other X-Nauts: Nope.
The patriot and his army approach...
End of Flashback!
Grodus: And the PhDs are somewhere...
Flashback!
X-Naut PhD 1: Hmm... Starts with T... A type of water bomb...
X-Naut PhD 2: We’ll never figure that out!
X-Naut PhD 3: THERE HAS TO BE A WAY!
X-Naut PhD 4: I’ve got an idea! We commit suicide, and hope we get reincarnated into geniuses!
Other X-Naut PhDs: GOOD IDEA!
End of Flashback!
Mario: ... That was dumb.
Grodus: I know. I must now beat you up. But first, I reveal Peach!
Peach appears. Then the ceiling collapses and reveals Bowser!
Bowser: Ow... X_X
Kammy: Uhh...
Grodus: ... Ow...
Mario: Wow! We didn’t have to do anything!
Mario looks and notices Grodus and Peach are gone.
Mario: ... How did he do that?
Partners: Who knows?
Mario and Co. continue and find a ritual-like room with candles.
Grodus: I awaken the Shadow Queen!
Dark Wizzerd: Hey! You skipped me! Die!
The Dark Wizzerd fires a spell at Mario and Co, but misses and hits Grodus.
Dark Wizzerd: ... Oh well! I still hit someone!
The Dark Wizzerd leaves.
Grodus: ... Anyways... ARISE, SHADOW QUEEN!
The Shadow Queen appears.
Shadow Queen: WHAT?! Can’t an evil 1,000-year-old demon get some beauty sleep around here?!
Everyone: ...
Grodus: I brought you a body!
Shadow Queen: But she’s pink!
Grodus: You will use her body or you’re grounded, young lady!
Shadow Queen: Fine!
The Shadow Queen possesses Peach. She is now Shadow Peach!
Shadow Peach: ... Wait, I don’t take orders from anyone! Die!
The Shadow Queen kills Grodus.
Grodus: Actually, I’m still alive.
The Shadow Queen kills Grodus’s head.
Voice: Ok... I am NOT ok...
The Shadow Sirens appear.
Beldam: Yay!
Shadow Peach: WHERE WERE YOU?!
Beldam: Resting! We were beaten up!
Shadow Peach: DON’T TALK BACK TO ME! YOU’RE GROUNDED!
Beldam: No fair!
Mario: ...
Shadow Peach: ... Oops, forgot about you guys. Die!
Mario: Why have I fought many different possessed main characters? I mean, you and Peach are one, Bowser and Cackletta/The Elder Princess Shroob are another, and then Luigi and Dimentio in Super Paper Mario are another.
Shadow Peach: ... I don’t know... DIE!
BOSS BATTLE!
Mario: 70 HP
Vivian: 30 HP
Vs.
The Shadow Queen:
150 HP
Mario uses Dual
Ultra Hammers!
The Shadow Queen:
140 HP
Vivian uses Shade
Fist!
Shadow Queen:
135 HP
Shadow Queen:
Ow! You guys are mean!
The Shadow Queen
complains! The Shadow Queen loses a turn!
Shadow Queen:
...
The Shadow Queen
said “... ”! Loses another turn!
Mario uses Dual
Ultra Hammers!
The Shadow Queen:
125 HP
Vivian uses Shade
Fist!
The Shadow Queen:
120 HP
The Shadow Queen’s turn skipped!
Mario uses Dual
Ultra Hammers!
The Shadow Queen:
110 HP
Vivian uses Shade
Fist!
The Shadow Queen:
105 HP
The Shadow Queen’s turn skipped!
Mario uses Dual
Ultra Hammers!
The Shadow Queen:
95 HP
Vivian uses Shade
Fist!
The Shadow Queen:
90 HP
The Shadow Queen:
Transform!
The Shadow Queen
turns into Phase 2!
The Shadow Queen:
Time to take the audience!
The Shadow Queen
uses the audience to heal herself, but she realizes something.
The Shadow Queen:
Wait, where’s the audience?
What? Do you
think they just get to sit and watch for their own amusement? It’s their
job to sit and watch! Now it’s their break time!
The Shadow Queen:
... Anyways, I’m invincible.
STEREOTYPICAL FINAL BOSS SCENE WHERE THE HEROES GET ENOUGH POWER TO BEAT THE BOSS! MY FIRST APPEARANCE!
Mario: Go Crystal Stars!
Vivian: How’d you know you were supposed to do that?
Mario: ... I don’t know...
The Diamond Star goes to Petalburg, the Emerald Star goes to Boggly Woods, the Gold Star goes to the remains of Glitzville in Hooktail Castle (Remember? Glitzville was shot down by the cannon in that one chapter!), the Ruby Star goes to Twilight Town, the Sapphire Star goes to Keelhaul Key, the Garnet Star goes to Poshley Heights, and the Crystal Star goes to Fahr Outpost.
Crystal Stars: LIGHT SHOW!
Everyone: GAH! OUR EYES!
The Shadow Queen loses her shield.
The Shadow Queen: D’oh! The stereotypical mid-final boss scene where the heroes finally get powerful enough to destroy the boss! I should’ve seen this coming!
Mario: ... That is true though... A lot of RPGs have this kind of scene during the final boss.
The Shadow Queen: Technically I’m not the final boss of this story, though I am the final boss in the game.
CONTINUE! HI MOM! :)
Mario: 70 HP
Vivian: 30 HP
Vs.
The Shadow Queen:
90 HP
Vivian: Wow! We didn’t lose any health!
The Shadow Queen: ... No fair...
Mario uses Supernova!
The Shadow Queen:
75 HP
Vivian uses Shade
Fist!
The Shadow Queen:
70 HP
The Shadow Queen
uses Charge!
The Shadow Queen
gains +7 ATK!
Mario uses...
???: Hold on!
??? reveals itself to be Jelly Jiggler!
Jelly: I just came to say this! I finally found myself! I was with me the whole time!
Everyone: ...
Mario: ... And?
Jelly: I just felt like sharing that with you!
Everyone: ...
What a plot twist! Who knew Jelly was with himself?
Everyone: ...
Jelly: I shall
help you! Super Fist of the Wobble-Wobble: Jelly Wave!
A shockwave hits
the Shadow Queen.
The Shadow Queen:
35 HP, ATK is now normal!
Everyone: O_O
Jelly: Bye!
Jelly leaves.
Mario: Weird...
Anyways...
Mario uses Art
Attack!
The Shadow Queen:
20 HP
Vivian uses Shade
Fist!
The Shadow Queen:
15 HP
The Shadow Queen:
Ugh! Come, my Dead Hands!
Dead Hands appear.
The Shadow Queen:
Destroy!
The Shadow Queen
uses Arm Army! Get it?
Everyone: ...
Mario: 50 HP
Vivian: 10 HP
Mario uses Supernova!
How he got the Star Power this fast, we’ll never know!
The Shadow Queen:
0 HP!
The Shadow Queen: Oh my DAD!
The Shadow Queen explodes.
END OF BOSS BATTLE!
The Shadow Queen explodes again. The entire floor gives out... under Peach only.
Mario: Wait... This never happened in the game!
True, but the author wants this to be different from all the other Thousand-Year Door parodies on the site. You’re going... to the Pit of 100 Trials, for the princess! That’s where she fell! All the way to Floor 100!
Mario: Can’t we just follow her from that hole?
No. The Shadow Queen’s coffin lid crumbled in the explosion. The bits are plugging up the hole.
Mario: ...
Goomba Guy enters.
Goomba Guy: I found the treasure! And I’m Frankly!
END OF CHAPTER!
Eh, I didn’t think up any questions since I’ve been lazy. Anyways, the really final chapter is coming! Chapter 9: The Pit of 100 Trials! Wait, going from Floor 1 to 100 will take forever!
No it won’t! Mario and Co. will have shovels! And because that would make it to easy, some floors are now boss floors! And some parts will be showing Luigi’s side!
... Ok...