Author's Note: NO CAMEOS! I'm tired of reading the same message a lot and the fact no one used the Feedback...
... What? This Fun Fiction might make an appearance? DRAT! More narrating then! Oh well... at least the Koopalings will appear again! Wait... what?
Whisper... whisper...
... WHAT?! NO KOOPALINGS?! ... Oh well...
Time to begin the Fun Fiction...
An awfully long time ago in a strange and far-off land, a big, bustling town thrived. All of its residents lived very happy lives, and it is said that the town was very prosperous. But one day, a tragedy befell this place. A great cataclysm struck the town with its people. Darkness filled the skies, and the earth... wait... is my script supposed to say earth?
Hmm... I think it's supposed to say "and the planet".
That sounds better, anyways... Darkness filled the skies, and the planet roared and shook. It was as if the very world had come to a violent end. And in a single night, the town sank into the depths of the... planet... As the centuries passed, the town's existence passed into fable. Yet in recent years, word has spread of a thousand-year door hidden beneath the city of Rogueport. What's behind the door, no one knows for certain. Could it hold a legendary treasure? A powerful relic? (Well relic sort of means ancient, which the thing is...) Mustard of doom? There's only one way to find out... Why did you copy the story from the guide, Author?
I'm lazy!
... Anyways, Princess Peach was on a vacation to Rogueport.
Peach: ... Why am I taking a vacation to a town of thugs, anyways? I could get pick-pocketed!
A Bandit steals her purse.
Peach: ...
???: HEY MISSY!
Peach: Are you talking to me? Or are you talking about that person in the chat room named Missy?
???: ... No... I was talking to you...
Peach: Why are you wearing that cloak?
???: I don't know! You don't even know me! So I can take this off!
??? removes the cloak.
Beldam: And that means I can also tell you my name is Beldam!
Peach: ... Ok...
Beldam: Buy something or I'll kill you!
Peach: O_O
Beldam: ...
Peach: ... I'll buy this box.
Beldam: You mean the one that only opens to the purest of hearts?
Peach: ... Sure... But first, I need to get my purse...
Peach runs to the Bandit and... Oh my DAD! Eww! That is disgusting! I've never seen anyone's spine bend that way before! Gross! Medic!
Peach: How much?
Beldam: O.O JUST TAKE IT!
Peach: ... I LOVE THIS TOWN NOW! Hooray for free stuff! Unlike the Mushroom Kingdom! Say, do you know the backwash ruler of that terrible place?
Beldam: ...
Peach: Wait... Don't answer that...
Peach tries to open the box, but can't.
Peach: ...
Than another Bandit steals the box and opens it and pulls out a map.
Bandit: ... Lame...
Peach approaches the Bandit and... OH MY DAD! Peach is doing it again! I'm going to puke! Is that his pelvis? There goes my appetite! ... She's done!
Peach: ... I know! I'll send this stupid thing to Mario!
Then the map somehow flies back into the box.
Peach: ...
Peach pulls out an axe and chops the box in half, and light floods the world but does nothing.
Beldam: WHAT?! THOSE LIGHTS WERE SUPPOSED TO KILL!
Peach: What?
Beldam: Uhh... I mean... it's-a me, Mario?
Peach: ... I didn't know you came to Rogueport today, Mario! Now to send this map to you!
Later...
Parakarry goes to the Mario Bros' mailbox.
Parakarry: MAIL CALL!
Parakarry flies away. Luigi goes out to the mailbox and goes back in.
Luigi: MARIO! MAIL!
Mario: Who's it from?
Luigi: (How is he smart all of a sudden... again?) It says it's from Peach!
Mario: GIMME! OR DIE!
Letter: Dear Mario, I'm currently vacationing in a town called Rogueport, which is FANTASTIC! I mean, it gives away free items! Unlike the Mushroom Kingdom! Do you know the backwash ruler of that terrible place?
Mario: ...
Letter: ... Uh... Don't answer that. And during my free stuff getting, I sto... I mean to... I mean BOUGHT a box with something in it! It was a treasure map! Now I enclosed the map with this letter, which means you MUST come! If you don't, I WILL hunt you down and KILL YOU! Plus, I know where you live! From Princess Peach
Mario: ... A talking letter?
Letter: You bet!
The letter forms legs and runs away.
Mario and Luigi: O_O
Luigi: ... Well I guess you can go.
Mario goes to the docks.
Sailor Toad: Hello Mario! How may I help you?
Mario: A boat to Rogueport, please!
Sailor Toad: All right!
The Exceedingly Long Prologue: A Rogue's Welcome
Sailor: Sir! We're going to land in Rogueport in five seconds!
Mario: WHAT?!
5... 4... 3... 2... 1... BOOM!
Mario: Ow... YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO STOP!
Sailor: So?
The sailor dies.
Mario: ...
Mario approaches the gate but notices something...
Mario: When did I get here?
... It's a Goomba girl and strange-looking people.
Goomba Girl: HELP!
Strange-Looking Man: Buh huh huh! I, Lord Crump, am about to capture you for my boss Grodus, who is on the moon and captured Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom! Now tell me where I can find the Crystal Stars, which are located in here in Rogueport, Hooktail Castle, the Great Tree, Glitzville, Twilight Town, Keelhaul Key, and Poshley Heights! Because I don't know where they are! I have a sudden hate for crumpets for some reason...
Goomba Girl: O_O You just said them... And why do you hate crumpets, Lord Crumpet?
Lord Crumpet: ... Forget what I said... Oh yeah! That's why I hate crumpets! People call me Lord Crumpet for some reason in Maguskoopa's Fun Fiction... and that one Interview with me and another guy...
Mario: DIE!
Lord Crump: What did I do to you?
Mario: Spoil the locations of the Crystal Stars! I have no idea how I knew they were needed for this story!
Lord Crump: O_O
MINI BOSS BATTLE!
Mario: 10 HP
Vs.
Lord Crump: 5
HP
Mario: ... Jump!
Lord Crump: 3
HP
Lord Crump: Lord
Crump Body Slam!
Mario: 9 HP
Mario: Hammer!
Lord Crump: 1
HP
Lord Crump: Super-Cheap-Attack-That-Will-Get-Me-Beaten!
Lord Crump: 1
HP
Mario: ... What?
Jump!
END OF MINI BOSS
BATTLE!
Lord Crump: Grr... You may have beaten me, but can you beat... MY ENTIRE ARMY OF X-NAUTS?!
An army of X-Nauts appear.
Lord Crump: PUNISH HIM!
X-Nauts: Yes, Lord Crud!
Lord Crud: O.O DID YOU JUST CALL ME LORD CRUD?!
X-Nauts: ... Yes?
Lord Crud: YOU ARE ALL FIRED!
X-Nauts: O.O
Lord Crump: Team B! Come out!
...
Lord Crump: ... Oh right, I sold them to that skeleton guy so I can live longer...
X-Nauts: ...
Lord Crump: ... Team A! You guys are hired again! Now punish him!
The X-Nauts make a cartoon cloud appear.
Goomba Girl: This way!
Mario follows the Goomba girl. Why is he doing that? Hasn't his mother told him not to talk to strangers?! Back to Crump...
Lord Crump: IDIOTS!
An X-Naut trips on Crump and his mask falls off...
"Crump": Uhh... Do not pay attention to the Goomba in the Lord Crump costume...
X-Nauts: O.O
Back to Mario...
Goomba Girl: My name is Goombella!
Mario: And...
Goombella: Why are you here?
Mario: Treasure hunting!
Goombella: With what?
Mario: This blank map...
Goombella: HOLY FLAMING SPINIAS ON A SPINIA PIE WITH COOKIES AND MILK! That's the legendary Magical Map!
Mario: O_O Holy flaming Spinias on a Spinia pie with cookies and milk? I never heard that one...
Goombella: ...
Mario: Anyways, what do you mean "Magical Map"?
Goombella: It leads to the seven Crystal Stars that open the legendary Thousand-Year Door!
Mario: ... What's behind said door?
Goombella: Some say treasure... others say a powerful relic (which technically it is...)while others say it's an evil cataclysm that attacked this town 1,000 years ago!
Mario: O_O!!! Who says the last one?
Goombella: Me... and my odd professor...
Mario: How is he odd?
Goombella: Well... (whispering) he thinks the Crystal Star thing came from a video game made by a company called Nintendo!
Mario: ... Ok...
Goombella: Well I'll take you to him and show him the map!
Mario: Ok! But first I need to find Princess Peach!
Toadsworth: Master Mario!
Mario: Hi Toadsworth!
Toadsworth: Master Mario! The princess was kidnapped!
Mario: ... How?
Toadsworth: Well first she said, "Look over there!" and so I did and than I said, "I don't see anything!" and when I turned around, she was gone!
Mario: ... How many times has someone done that to you, Toadsworth?
Toadsworth: Counting now? 495,783,984,634,956,993,485,639,845,639,424,824 times! But last time there actually was something!
Mario: O_O
Toadsworth: Well... I'll be going to the inn... I'll be running at top speed!
Toadsworth walks .99999999999999999999999999 miles per hour... Slugs are passing him...
Mario: ...
Goombella: Well, time to go!
Goombella joined the party! She is like Goombario, but WAY better!
Goombario: Hey!
Shut up! Now I have to start over!
Goombella joined the party! She is like Goombario, but WAY better! In battle, she can Headbonk the opponents and Tattle on them!
Goombella: Let's go!
Mario and... *looks around for a certain white fluff...* Goombella... go to Prof. Frankly's house.
Frankly: HOPPING SPUNIAS ON A SPUNIA SMORE! DON'T YOU KIDS EVER KNOCK?!
Goombella: I have no arms...
Frankly: Oh, that's ok then...
Mario: ...
Frankly: Who's the mustache behind you?
Goombella: He's the famous Mario!
Frankly: ... Who?
Goombella: ...
Mario: ...
Frankly: Anyways...
Mario: Where is the Thousand-Year Door? Frank?
Frank: Under Rogueport! BUT STAY AWAY! IT'S FROM A VIDEO GAME! Wait... My name isn't Frank.
Mario: ... You were right, Goombella...
Goombella: Told you!
Mario, Goombella, and Fred go underground.
Mario: Why are you coming with us?
Fred: Because I want to! Wait... my name isn't Fred either! It's Prof. Frankly!
Mario: ...
Goomba: A GOOMBA GIRL!
Spiked Goomba: A GIRL GOOMBA!
Paragoomba: A GIRL GOOMBA!
Spiked Goomba: I said that already! Die!
Goomba: Hey, I like Paragoomba!
The Goombas kill each other.
Mario: ...
Mario, Goombella, and Oldgoombawithswirlyglassesandhashairandlikespieandhastattlelogsinhistrashcan continue and eventually make it to a black chest.
Black Chest: If you let me out, I'll give you candy.
Mario: CANDY!
Goombella: ... Are you obsessed with candy or something?
Mario: No, I just felt like saying that.
Goombella: Ok... Luckily I found a key. And I found an Internet guide for this Fun Fiction! This chest is supposed to give us a useful curse!
Black Chest: GREAT GALLOPING GOOMBAS! That's the key that opens my chest prison!
Mario: Yay!
Black Chest: FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLS!
Goombella: Aren't you supposed to curse us?
Mario: Or give us candy?
Black Chest Demon: When I cursed Mario in the actual game, it helped him. When I gave candy to Morgan Freeman, he had a heart attack, and I got sued!
Mario: Why did the author add the part from P.T.'s Fun Fiction?
Goombella: Who knows!
Black Chest Demon: Also, you can't even use the curse!
Mario: Why?
Black Chest Demon: It's called a PAPER airplane! You're made of tin!
Mario: ... Oh, right...
Tin Man: I'm not alone anymore!
Kids chase the Tin Man because he still has the Chef Boyardee picture on his back.
Mario: Ok...
Black Chest Demon: BUT! I can help by cursing you like this! B-E C-U-R-S-E-D!
Mario: ... What happened?
Black Chest Demon: You can now become a tin helicopter!
Mario: Neat!
Black Chest Demon: I know!
Mario: No, I mean...
Black Chest Demon: Make the inside of my box/chest/house cleaner!
Mario: O_O How did you know I was going to say that!?
Black Chest Demon: Do not question things you cannot understand!
Mario: ...
Mario, Goombella, and Oldgoombawithswirlyglassesandhashairandlikespieandhastattlelogsinhistrashcan go to the now helicopter panel and fly across. Eventually, they come across a giant door with fancy symbols and stuff...
Mario: What a giant door with fancy symbols and stuff!
I said that already!
Mario: ...
Oldgoombawithswirlyglassesandhashairandlikespieandhastattlelogsinhistrashcan: HOLD THE MAP IN FRONT OF THE DOOR OR I'LL KILL YOU! AND MY NAME ISN'T THAT LONG!
Mario: O_O
Mario runs to the pedestal thingy and holds the map.
Door: WELCOME, WORMS! I SHALL REVEAL THE LOCATION OF A CRYSTAL STAR! AND GIVE YOU A SPECIAL MOVE!
The Star appears on the Magical Map in Glitzville.
Flunky: That's Glitzville!
At Flunky's house...
Flunky: First, I have to say my name isn't Flunky! Second, Mario learned a Special Move! Follow me so I can teach you how to use it!
TUTORIAL BATTLE!
Stupid: First, select "Special" and then select the move you want to use.
Mario: Sweet Treat!
Stupid: Perfect! Also, the audience will help refill your Star Power!
A Hammer Bro prepares to throw a Hammer.
Stupid: MARIO! LOOK OUT! USE X!
Mario: DIE!
Hammer Bro: AHHHHH!!!
Stupid: Excellent! That ends the tutorial!
Mario: Hmm... I can use this hammer in a later chapter!
Stupid: No, you're supposed to...
END OF TUTORIAL BATTLE!
Stupid: Now for the Crystal Star... Hmm... The only way to Glitzville is to visit Don Pianta for a Blimp Ticket! But I don't know much... or anything actually about mafias... or why the author keeps giving me random names... My name isn't Stupid...
Mario: Anyone we can go to? And I thought you were named Stupid!
Not Stupid: Hmm... I heard about a guy named Isnail... And I want my name to be Elvis...
Mario: Yes?
Gruntilda: He knows how to get a meeting with the Don... AND I SAID I WANTED TO BE NAMED ELVIS!
Gruntilda: Hey! You're a name thief! Die!
Gruntilda: My name is FRANKLY!
Mario: Where does he live?
Elvis: IN THE UNENTERABLE SIDE OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD ON THE EAST SIDE! AKA HERE! AND WHY DID THE AUTHOR DECIDE TO NAME ME ELVIS HERE?!
Mario: O_O
Mario and *looks around again...* Goombella exit.
Mario: How do we get to Isnail?
Goombella: Ever tried using this?
Goombella pulls out a portable warp pipe.
Mario: That'll work!
Gus: HOLD IT! If you want to enter the Robbos' Turf, you have to pay me 9,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999...
10 hours later...
Gus: ...999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 coins!
Mario: ... DIE!
MINI BOSS BATTLE!
Mario: 10 HP
Goombella: 10
HP
Vs.
Gus: ? HP
Mario: Huh?
From now on, you have to Tattle or wear the Peekaboo Badge to see the opponent's HP.
Goombella: Tattle!
That's Gus! He's
a guard that works for the Robbo's Gang! Max HP 20, Attack 3, Defense 0.
There's not much to say about him, except wondering why he's in my Tattle
Book in the first place... Also, that spear of his is making it impossible
to jump on him!
Mario: ... Wow, that's the first time someone on Lemmy's Land made an entire Tattle Entry... I think... except Shady Parakoopa's Fun Fiction about the rock and that thing...
Gus: I know! What am I doing in that book anyways?
Mario: Who knows?
But anyways, Hammer!
Gus: 18 HP
Gus: Spear Toss!
Mario: 7 HP
Mario: Hammer!
Gus: 16 HP
Goombella: Appeal!
Star Energy +1!
Gus: Spear Charge!
Mario: 4 HP DANGER!
Mario: Sweet Treat!
Mario: +7 HP
Goombella: +5
HP
Goombella: Defend!
Gus: Spear Toss!
Goombella: 8
HP
Mario: Hammer!
Gus: 14 HP
Goombella: Luckily,
I was holding this in my pocket this entire time! Power Smash Badge!
Mario obtains
the Power Smash Badge!
Gus: Spear Toss!
Goombella: 5
HP DANGER!
Mario: POWER SMASH!
Gus: 11 HP
Mario: Can I ask you something?
Gus: What?
Mario: What species are you?
Gus: What in the name of DAD does that have to do with anything?!
Mario: I don't know!
Gus: ... I'm a goose.
Mario: O_O Since when do geese live on Plit?!
Gus: Well it all started when...
Gus tells Mario and Goombella the story.
Gus: ...and that's where babies come from!
... I meant from the FF.
Gus: Stupid voices from everywhere and nowhere...
Gus tells Mario and Goombella.
Gus: ...and that's the story of Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door!
... I meant about why geese live on Plit.
Gus: ...
Hours later...
Gus: ...and that's why geese live on Plit!
Mario: Zzzzzzzzzzz...
Goombella: Zzzzzzzzzzz...
Gus: HEY!
Mario: Wha? OH RIGHT! THE BATTLE!
Goombella: Defend!
Gus: Spear Charge!
Mario: 7 HP
Mario: POWER SMASH!
Gus: 6 HP
Goombella: Defend!
Gus: Spear Charge!
Mario: 4 HP DANGER!
Mario: Cheap-Move-That'll-Get-Gus-Beaten-Like-A-Cheap-Drum!
Gus: 0 HP!
Gus: Attack that
defies the law of physics!
Gus drops down
a pit and Merlon's house shrinks.
Mario: O_O
END OF MINI-BOSS BATTLE!
Gus: NO WAY!
Gus runs away.
Mario: ... Why is it when he said, "No way", it actually made a map to a place to No Way? And didn't he fall in a hole?
Goombella: Who knows?
Mario: ...
Goombella: ... Portable warp pipe?
Mario: Portable warp pipe...
*Insert pipe sound here!*
Mario: Let's go!
*Insert pipe sound here again!*
Mario: Are you Isnail?
Isnail: Yes I am! What do you want?
Mario: To see Don Pianta.
Isnail: Ok, but you need to do me a favor first...
Mario: What?
Isnail: Give me 100 coins!
Mario: WHAT?!
Mario kills Isnail.
Goombella: WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR, MARIO?!
Mario: ... Oops?
Goombella: NOW WE CAN NEVER SEE DON PIANTA!
Mario: Hmm... Unless...
Goombella: Unless what?
Mario: Well... *whisper, whisper...*
Goombella: GOOD PLAN!
Mario and *looks around again...* Goombella continue but stop at the West Gate.
Zess T: I'M LOOKING FOR MY CONTACT LENS RIGHT NOW! DO NOT MOVE! OR ELSE I'LL KILL YOU!
Mario: O_O
Hours later...
Mario: Zzzzzzzzzz...
Zess T: WHERE ARE THEY?!
Mario: AHH!
Crack!
Zess T: YOU! YOU!
Mario: ...
Zess T: I KILL YOU!
Mario: AHH!
Zess T: ... What? I was just kidding! Now I can get glasses, which are WAY better!
Mario: ...
Mario and *same thing...* Goombella continue and go into the Pianta Parlor.
Lahla: Hello! Is there something I can do for you?
Mario: Are you a friend of Don Pianta?
Lahla: Yes, why?
Mario: We want to meet him!
Lahla: Ok, just buy the items that start with the Letter D in my sister's store next door! Than put the answer to her question: yellow.
Mario: Thanks!
Mario and Goombella...
Mallow: HEY!
... I was hoping you wouldn't show up...
A pit opens under Mallow.
Thanks... Mario and Goombella enter the shop and do everything Lahla said to do.
Boo Shopkeeper: Hmm... I see... Ok, I'll open the door for you.
The Boo goes to the door.
Boo Shopkeeper: HEY FRANK! OPEN THE DOOR OR ELSE I'LL KILL YOU!
The door opens.
Boo Shopkeeper: There you go!
Mario and Goombella enter and see Don Pianta.
Don Pianta: Who da yous thinks you are?
Pianta Guard 1: Da boss is angry now at yous!
Pianta Guard 2: Da boss is angry now at yous!
Pianta Guard 1: I already said that! DIE!
Don Pianta: Not yet! What are yous doing here in da first place?
Mario: Tickets to Glitzville?
Don Pianta: So yous wants tickets for da blimp to Glitzville ay? Well I could gives them to yous...
Mario: Really? Thanks!
Don Pianta: BUT! Yous have to do a favor for me!
Mario: What?
Don Pianta: My associate, Frankie, is out somewhere with my baby girl, Francesca! I wants yous to find them, and bring them to me!
Mario: Ok.
Don Pianta: Great!
Mario and Goombella leave.
Goombella: Where do you think they are?
Mario: Hmm... A guy and girl... Sounds like they are in love with each other... So I know only three places they would go to!
Goombella: Where?
Mario: A fancy restaurant, the docks for a romantic cruise, or going to watch something amazing!
Goombella: Nothing amazing happens in Rogueport and there are no fancy restaurants in Rogueport (except Grunty's Diner... I don't understand why it's here...), so they are at the docks!
Mario and Goombella go to the docks and find the 2 Piantas.
Mario: Are you Francesca and Frankie?
Francesca: Yes, why?
Mario: Your father is looking for you.
Francesca: Why?
Mario: Hmm... Good question! I'll go back!
Mario and Goombella go back to Don Pianta.
Don Pianta: Did yous find my girl?
Mario: Yeah, but...
Don Pianta: Excellent! Tell me where day are!
Mario: At the docks, but...
Don Pianta: All right! Go and fetch them, boys!
Mario: ...
The 2 Pianta Guards come in with a beaten up Pianta couple.
Don Pianta: ...
Mario: ...
Goombella: ...
All of Plit: ...
All of Earth: ...
Don Pianta: ... YOU'RE BOTH FIRED! As for yous, yous gets the tickets to Glitzville for no reason!
Mario: Yes! Wait... why no reason?
Don Pianta: Well... err... HE KNOWS TOO MUCH! GET HIM, CHUCK!
Chuck: I'm a chuckster!
Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Mario and Goombella run away and head to the blimp.
Mario: Can we go to Glitzville?
Cheep Cheep: Sure!
Mario and Goombella get on the blimp.
Cheep Cheep: Heh, heh... He doesn't know I stole his wallet...
Than the Bandits from earlier (who are somehow alive...) come and steal the wallet and have a Tug-O-War for it and somehow kill themselves to...
Cheep Cheep: O_O
One of the Bandit's corpse falls on the Cheep Cheep, which makes a mask fall off...
Cheep Cheep: Uhh... Do not pay attention to the Goomba in the Cheep Cheep costume...
End of Prologue:
Why is Peach being evil? Why does Frankly think this Fun Fiction actually came from a video game? Why are people threatening other people? Why am I calling Prof. Frankly random/stupid names? Find out in Chapter 1: Of Glitz and Glory!