CHAPTER 3 ½
Count Bleck: Minion, I AM NOT CONTENT!
A plump Goomba walks up.
Goomba: What can I do for you, Master?
Count Bleck: Take this Pure Heart into Outer Space, wait for the heroes, and when they get there, you will destroy them!
Goomba: Sir… I'm only a Goomba.
Count Bleck: Aye… Get me a Koopa then.
Goomba: Sir… You sent them all to the Underwhere.
Count Bleck: Hmmm… Then find me the finest Koopa warrior out there!
Goomba: A-hup!
Goomba walks away.
Count Bleck: Watch
out, heroes…
CHAPTER 4: Saying whoa while in the zone.
Bowser: I still don't see why I have to be a hero!
Merlon: Shut up, fat turtle… thing.
Tippi: So where is the next Heart Pillar?
Merlon: Ummm… Uhhh… Gurrr…
Merlon starts to drool.
Mario: Wroot wroot ka-brank!
Peach: You think it's in Merlon's stomach, Mario?!
Mario: Ya-hoo!
Bowser: All right!
Bowser runs up to Merlon and shoves the Pure Heart down his throat. Merlon starts to glow.
Boomer: Pretty.
Merlon blows up and everyone teleports into Outer Space wearing helmets somehow.
Peach: How did that just happen?
Bowser: I'm not sure, but I think I landed on some sort of frog…
Bowser stands up, and finds that he landed on an alien.
Bowser and Alien: Bwaaaargg!
Alien: Why you harm ze Squirps?!
Tippi: You're French?!
Squirps: French? I'm of the Zomibiomgo race.
Bowser: Soo Mr. Skerps of the Zomgrazin… whatever, where are we?
Squirps: You are in ze space near ze Whoa Zone.
Peach: The Whoa Zone?
Tippi: Yeah, I think the Pure Heart is there.
Squirps: I say that!
Bowser: Shut up! Let's just find it so we can leave this ongoing piece of trash.
Boomer: I can blast you there!
Mario: Yahoo!
Mario puts 500 lbs of TNT by Boomer.
Bowser, Peach, Tippi, Thudly, and Squirps: NOOOO!!!
Boomer blows up and everyone finds themselves in the Whoa Zone.
Bowser: Whoa.
Tippi: No, Whoa Zone.
Squirps: Man, I never got any chocolate…
Meanwhile at some place much more meaningful than where we are…
Fleep: Ahhh… All done. WHAT?! NO TOILET PAPER?!
Back with the heroes…
We find our heroes walking around looking for the Pure Heart.
Bowser: We'll never find it…
?????? ?: You're right.
?? ?: Right, Koopra Z.
Koopra Z: Thank you, Mr. L.
Peach: Who are you?
Mr. L: We just told you.
Peach: Oh… You have the Pure Heart?
Koopra Z: Gah! The heroes, they’re here!
Mr. L: Die bloglesnob fiends!
Long story short, they get in an awesome, action-packed battle that I'm too lazy to tell you about, but of course the heroes win.
Mr. L: Ow…
Koopra Z: Let's go. You can have the Pure Heart.
Mario mugs Mr. L and Koopra Z until he finds the Pure Heart.
Mario: Yahoo!
What will happen
next time? Why am I a main character? Will Super Smash Bros. Brawl be any
good? We know the answer to that last one.
Chapter 5: Crag-ho!
Mario and friends find themselves flying towards the next Heart Pillar at mach speeds.
Bowser: BLARG?! How did this happen?!
They hit the Heart Pillar and find themselves in some kind of 10,000 B.C. wasteland.
Peach: This looks like a 10,000 B.C. wasteland!
Tippi: The narrator just said that.
Bowser: Shut up.
Bowser walks up to the nearest caveman.
Bowser: Where are we?
Cragon: Uncha mesa grunga boo.
Bowser: What? Mario, come over here!
Mario walks up to them.
Cragon: Uncha mesa grunga boo.
Mario: Bragga noobie sahsa?
Cragon: Bragash!
Peach: Mario, where are we?
Mario: Moun-t Cra-gnon.
Peach: Mount Cragnon?
Mario: Mmm-hmm.
A random man jumps on-screen holding a microphone.
Flint: Hello, I'm Flint Cragly, and I'm here to tell yo-
Bowser randomly eats Flint.
Peach: AAAAAAA!!!
Peach faints.
Mario: Wahoo!
Mario grabs everyone (even Bowser) and runs to Mount Cragnon.
Mario: Ally-oop!
Mario jumps in, finding a secret passage, and runs through a laboratory until he finds Dimentio and O'Chunks.
Dimentio: And that's how we get electricity.
O'Chunks: Wow, is it really all magic?
Dimentio: Yep.
O'Chunks: Double wow.
He looks around to see Tippi carrying a Fruit Cake.
O'Chunks: Oh no! I'm-
O'Chunks gets all puffy.
O'Chunks: -alergac.
Dimentio: Hmmm… I guess O'Chunks is too sick to fight, so-
Dimentio sees Bowser and gets all puffy.
Dimetio: Kopia?! Ahm alergac!!!
Dimentio and O'Chunks run away all puffy.
Bowser: Cool, now put me down!
Mario puts everyone down, and Peach wakes up.
Bowser: Thank you. I say we look around some more.
Everyone looks around and finds a lot of mutant flowers.
Tippi: I know what we should do!
Peach: What?
Tippi: We should find King Croacus IV!
Bowser: Who?
Tippi: The flamboyant king of the Floro Sapiens, Croacus adores beauty and spends most of his time brainwashing Cragnons to rebuild his castle full of jewels. He is also the possessor of the sixth Pure Heart.
Bowser: Woah! That was deep!
So they run for awhile, and eventually find the hall of kings, solve the puzzle, watch an episode of Lost, and find King Croacus IV.
King Croacus IV: Ah, the heroes. I've been waiting for you.
Bowser: Really?
King Croacus IV: No.
Bowser: Oh.
Bowser randomly throws Boomer at King Croacus IV, and King Croacus IV blows up.
Peach, Tippi, and Boomer: Woah.
Bowser: Yeah, yeah…
Mario runs up and grabs the Pure Heart that flew out of King Croacus IV.
Mario: Wahoo!