Chapter 5: Cragnons, the Treasure, and More Annoying People (The Land of Cragnons, You Little-)
Bowser: Woah. I can see my castle from here!
Peach: Bowser, how can you see your castle from a PARALLEL UNIVERSE?!
Bowser: I'm psychic.
Peach: ARE NOT-
Bowser: And now, I predict that we shall fall and be carried away by cannibal cavemen, who shall take us to their leader in the timespan of five seconds!
Thoreau: I say! What are the chances of that?
5 seconds later...
Peach: I'm not talking to you.
Bowser: Aww, you're just jealous.
Marbald: Floro Sapiens... attack us Cragnons... give peace no chance...
Bowser: Wha? You said that you don't give some guy named Chance a piece of pie? That's cruel and unusual!
Marbald: No...
Bowser: Cruel I say!
Marbald: N-
Bowser: CRUEL!
Peach slaps Bowser.
Peach: SHUT UP! Oh, and we'll accept your quest, 'cause we have nothing better to do. Let's go!
Peach and Co. leave.
Cragnon #1: ... She's fast, brah.
Cragnon #2: Yah.
Outside...
Floro Sapien #1: Dude, check it out! Freaky people, dude.
Floro Sapien #2: Totally. Let's take them to King Crocaus, and while he's distracted by their freakishness, we'll steal his precious golden Twinkie!
Floro Sapien #1: Sweet idea!
Bowser: *GASP* GOLDEN TWINKIE?! MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!
Bowser tackles both of the Floro Sapiens, and they are defeated instantly.
Bowser: Jerks. THEY COULD AT LEAST HAVE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS MYSTICAL GOLDEN TWINKIE-
Peach: Not now! We gotta save them!
Peach points to the Floro Sapiens, who are escaping with kidnapped Cragnons.
Bowser: So. They're going to the secret hiding place of the golden twinkie! That's more important, 'cause it's shiny.
Peach and Tippi: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
So they follow the Floro Sapiens, until...
Mario: BLOCKYMOCKYPWANTS!
Mario begins to gnaw on the leftmost block of three floating blocks.
Bowser: Oh great. Mario FINALLY got a line, and we're stuck!
Peach: Don't worry, me and Tippi will go back to town for help. DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID!
Peach and Tippi go back to Downtown of Crag for help. Duh.
Peach: We're stuck at three blocks. Can anybody help us?
Jasperoid: Three blocks? Oh, that's easy. Bonk them like this: Left, right, middle.
Peach: ... That was easy.
Jasperoid: Jasperoid likes to go to Staples. They have funny things.
Peach: Kay...
Peach and Tippi go back to the three blocks, only to see a pipe in the center of a large, deep hole, and Mario's face clogged with dirt.
Mario: Mmm... Peanut buttery...
Peach: BOWSER! Did you LISTEN to a word I said?!
Bowser: You didn't say anything about doing something PRODUCTIVELY stupid!
Peach: You win this time...
Mario: BLEH! Babba-wabba!
So they go down the pipe. After setting the Muths on fire and contributing to animal extinction, the geroes find...
Bowser: Three MORE blocks?! C'MON...
Peach: Me and Tippi will go ask Jasperoid for help again. DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!
Bowser and Mario: Okay!
As soon Peach and Tippi walk five steps away from Bowser and Mario... *BOOM*
Peach: I SAID DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!
Bowser: But my nose was itchy!
Peach: SO?!
Bowser: Well, at least we can continue...
Peach looks at the new path revealed, which was blocked by a thick wall.
Peach: Again...
So they follow the path and hit the Star Block.
Chapter 5-2
Peach: ACK! We gotta speed up!
Peach points toward the Floro Sapiens, who are entering the door at the end of the area.
Mario: Speed up? OKAY!
With the power of the Roadrunner, Mario plows through the area and smashs through the door.
Peach: ... Too literal...
Bowser: WHO CARES?! Onward to the golden twinkie!
Peach and Co. follow Mario, who is possibly running at 90 miles per hour. As soon as they enter the next area, the Floro Sapiens enter their secret pipe and escape.
Bowser: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Luckily, Mario crashes into the block with so much force that it is destroyed.
Bowser: YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Along with the pipe.
Bowser: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Random Clubba: SHADDAP! I'm trying to sleep over here!
Slim: Whatevs, pard.
Peach: Great. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?!?!
Bowser: I'll tell you what we're going to do. I'm going to dig the route of that pipe with Mario as my trusty shovel. You shall cook BBQ on the grill while you blast Hip-Hop on my radio, which shall attract random passers-by, creating a summer party we'll never forget!
Peach: ...
Tippi: Ya know... We could just call Welderburg...
Bowser: *scoff* Sure, if you want to do it the non-celebratory way.
So with the power of her Pretty Pink Cell Phone of Pain *punches the air*, Peach calls Welderburg.
Peach: Hi Welderburg. Do you have a second? We have a request...
Bowser: Man, this is going to take FOREVER!
Mario: *GASP* It's Mr.Talking Rock!
Bowser: Who now?
O'Chunks: Ey! It's Maria again! Back fer more chunking, eh?
Bowser: Maria? Who's that-
Mario: Mr. Talking Rock, whatever happened with Pebblina?
O'Chunks: Aye, lassie. She was pleasant, but not my type! So we parted ways. But we're still friends, eh! And besides, I'm interested in another fair lass...
Bowser: Ok. For real now. I'm totally lost.
Mario: Mr. Talking Rock, I would like to introduce my friends, Bowyer and Plum!
Bowser: WHAT?! You idiot, it's BOWSER, not BOWYER! I'm SO not related to that freak! And it's PEACH, not PLUM! Peach is SO hotter than her!
Plum: Well, I never!
Bowyer: Idiots, they are. NYAH!
O'Chunks: Bowyer and Plum, eh? Nice to meet yeh! Prepare to get-
Suddenly, Peach's Pretty Pink Cell Phone of Pain *punches the air* fies and hits O'Chunks in the face at 80 miles per hour.
O'Chunks: ...chunked. PAIN...
Peach: Just great! Stupid Welderburg said that it'll cost 500 coins to rebuild the pipe because it involves something with soil differences, location, pipe materials, and jelly rolls!
Peach notices O'Chunks, who is twitching in pain.
Peach: AND now I might hafta pay a HOSPITAL BILL?! What am I, an ATM?!
Peach turns around to see Dimentio with his hand extended outward, obviously wanting something.
Dimentio: Can I have a-
Peach: ARGH! Just take this dollar before I smash your face in!
Dimentio: No.
Peach: No? WHADDYA MEAN "NO", YOU INSENSITIVE JERK?! NOW YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR ME?!
Dimentio: (tearfully) Fair Princess, I just want a moment of your time. Is that so much to ask? *sniff*
Peach: ... You're good at making people feel bad, aren't you?
Dimentio: No. I'm good at making them vomit like dragons with indigestion! Wanna see?
Peach: No.
Dimentio: Dang. But anyways, I have something really important to tell you-
Peach: You've got five seconds.
Dimentio: ... Princess Pl-
Peach: If you dare say Plum, I'll rip out your eyeballs.
Dimentio: Oh. Er... Princess Apricot...?
Peach: Getting warmer...
Dimentio: Watermelon? Apple? Butter? Pear? AH, WHO CARES?!
Dimentio falls on his knees and somehow unsheathes a red rose from nowhere, all with dramatic flair, of course.
Dimentio: Fair Princess... I love you.
With a loud SCREECH, everybody and everything stops and gasps... then continues on with their lives. Peach, however, begins freaking out and... well... she-
Dimentio: She vomited! Told ya I can make people do that! AND I won the bet with Mr. L! YAY!
Mr. L (faraway): Dang it!
Peach: Ahhh... I feel better.
Dimentio: Hi.
Peach, er... does what she did a few seconds ago again. Yeah.
Dimentio: Ahh, my work here is done. I was kidding, you know...
Mr. L (faraway): MOSTLY!
Dimentio: Shut up. And now, I gotta go. Ciao!
He disappears.
Peach: He was KIDDING? UGH! He totally wasted our-
Bowser (underground): HEY! WE FINALLY FOUND THE STAR BLOCK!
Mario (underground): Chicken! Yum!
Bowser (underground): OW! STOP CHEWING ON MY TAIL!
Peach: -time? Ok, fine, Bowser. This stupid productivity will offically prove you graduated from Harvard.
Bowser (underground): REALLY?! Sweet!
Peach: I was kidding, you know...
Bowser (underground): OH GREAT, NOT YOU TOO!
Peach: I was KIDDING when I said that! GOSH!
And so, Peach joins them (jumps into the hole) and hits the Star Block.
Chapter 5-3
Bowser: Peach, I'm scared! The painful groaning of tortured spirits emenates from the walls into which our suffering shall be cast! Hold me!
Peach: GET OFF ME! It's just that... Irish guy groaning in pain due to that cell phone accident. Dang! We met most of Bleck's cronies, and we know NONE of their names! That's just wrong...
Bowser: What about Mr. L?
Peach: Luigi doesn't count. He'll wake up and smell the coffee eventually...
???: DID SOMEONE SAY COFFEE?!
Suddenly, some Cragnon pushes Bowser out of the way, making Bowser trip over an ant and land on his shell.
Bowser: HEY! You'd better get away from my wife or I'll-
Peach: And you are...?
???: I'm the great Flint Cragley, crag-vison superstar and explorer extroidinare!
Peach: ... Oi! Not another explorer!
Flint: Huh?
Peach: Haven't you guys noticed? In EVERY Paper Mario game, there is always some explorer dude you have to team up with in Chapter 5! In Paper Mario, you have to team up with stupid Kolorado-
Kolorado: CRIKEY!
Peach: And then in PM:TTYD, you have to team up with that greedy Flavio!
Flavio: Uh... No fair. Flavio hates you. Meanie.
Peach throws a rock at Flavio.
Flavio: Ow.
Peach: AND NOW YOU?! Well, at least you're not stupid like THEM...
Flint: I like coffee.
Peach: Coffee makes me sick.
Flint: So?
Peach: ... Nevermind.
Bowser: Er, hello?
Flint: Whatevs. If you see my crew, tell them I'm waiting and stomping impatiently!
Peach: And they are...?
Flint: Hornfels, my sound technician, and Monzo, my cameraman.
Peach: Kay. We'll look for them 'cause we have nothing better to do.
Bowser: Honey?
Mario: Whee! Trampoline!
Bowser: OW! Stop- OW!- jumping- OUCH- on my- URK!- STOMACH! OW!
Peach grabs Mario by his hair, and helps Bowser up.
Peach: Let's go, ya'll!
And so, the heroes leaveFlint (who is singing a song about coffee) and start looking for Hornfels and Monzo. And since nothing really interesting happens when they first enter the main cavern, we'll skip to the first mine cart ride.
Mario: Ooh! A rollercoaster!
Bowser: Dude, it's a mine cart.
Mario: And...?
Bowser: *GASP* He actually used the "And...?" joke! This must mean... yes... YES! MARIO'S NATURAL INTELLIGENCE IS EVOLVING! I thought I'd never live to see the day!
Cudge: Or it could be a case of "Monkey see, monkey do."
Bowser: SHUT UP, NON-BELIEVER!
Bowser trips over the same ant, and falls headfirst into the mine cart.
Bowser: Ow...
Mario: I LIKE MONKEYS!
Mario also trips over that ant Bowser tripped on, and also lands headfirst in the mine cart.
Cudge: Ya see?
Bowser: I hate you.
Trippy the Ant: I hate my life...
After Peach steps into the mine cart, the ride of pain begins, mainly because Tippi keeps bickering with Mario to flip.
Tippi: JUST SMASH IT, YOU IDIOT!
Mario: Smash what?
Tippi: THE A BUTTON!
Mario: My dog collar? Oh, I traded that style in for Hello Kitty mittens!
Tippi: ARGH!
Somehow, when they get to the fork in the road (in the track) for the 30th time, Tippi makes Mario flip by pressing the A Button on his mittens. After several seconds, the ride is over, and the cart dumps them on the ground. *SMACK*
Heroes: Ow...
Mario: Let's go again! Let's go again!
In the next room...
Several Floro Sapiens: Prepare to die, 'cause we throw our heads like ninjas throwing shuriken!
Bowser: So?
Bowser sets them on fire.
Several Floro Sapiens: ACK! HISSSSSSSSSSSS! MEANIE! WE'LL BE BACK! WE'LL BE-
Suddenly, they all turns into ash, and a breeze blows them away, while the echoes of the word "back" vibrate on the wind.
Bowser: Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.
Hornfels: Yo.
Bowser: Yo.
Mario: *GASP* There's a Monty Mole on my head! BLEECHBLEECHBAZAH!
Mario punches himself.
Hornfels: O_O WHAT THE?!
Peach: Ignore him, he's like that all the time.
Hornfels: Dumb?
Peach: No... Annoying.
Hornfels: Oh.
Peach: But! Flint is looking for you. He's at the front of this cavern. And, er, he's-
Tippi: Stomping impatiently?
Peach: Yeah.
Hornfels: Crag, not again... But thanks, dude! Here's a tip: don't attack Cragnons with plants on head. Very bad. Ok? See ya!
Hornfels leaves.
Peach: Ok guys, ya heard him? Don't beat up-
Peach turns around to see Bowser setting the Floro Cragniens on fire and Mario gnawing on several of them. Because of this, the heroes lose several hundred points.
Peach: ... IDIOTS!
Bowser: WHAT'D I DO?!
Peach: You're NOT supposed to beat them up! If you do, we lose points and can't level up!
Bowser: But Peach! They're flesh-eating zombies from the prehistoric graves! How can you NOT beat them up?
Peach: SO?!
Bowser: But we'll become famous! Imagine... You and me, traveling worlds, killing the undead!
Peach: Ok, fine, the idea is pretty awesome-
Bowser: YAY!
Peach: ... But we'll have to be divorced.
Bowser: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Tippi: IDIOTS! C'MON already!
So the heroes make it back to the main cavern, and go through the door at the cavern's end (after destroying the big yellow block with Cudge). And they find...
Mario: ANOTHER ROLLERCOASTER! We must be in Six Flags or somethin!
Peach: Again... WHERE CAN YOU FIND A SIX FLAGS ON PI-
Bowser: There's one in the Beanbean Kingdom.
Peach: WHAT?! LEMME SEE!
Peach reads the Beanbean Travel Guide she snatches from Bowser.
Peach: Oh. Why must I always be wrong...?
And so, the heroes enjoy another mine cart ride.
Heroes: WHEE!
Bowser: I'm so happy, I feel like hurling with joy!
Peach: Bowser, stop making gross jokes like that!
Bowser: No, seriously. I feel like barfing!
Tippi: ... Oh geez-
Obviously, Bowser grabs Mario's hat and... does what he said. Yeah...
Peach and Tippi: Ew...
Mario: My hair! It flies so beautifully! I should be in a shampoo commercial!
*SMACK!*
Heroes: Ow...
Luckily, Mario's hat of... stuff misses any targets, and splats on the ground.
Bowser: I feel so much better.
Bowser notices Mario's hat of stuff.
Bowser: ... COOL! IT'S GLOWING YELLOW-
Peach and Tippi: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! DON'T TOUCH US!
They run into the next door, leaving Mario and Bowser.
Bowser: *GASP* Peach! DON'T LEAVE US!
Mario: (singing) I gots a bunch of shiny things, dee dee dee...
Bowser: *DOUBLE GASP* ME WANT SHINY THING!
Bowser tackles Mario for the shiny crystal he is holding. Meanwhile...
Peach: -and he had the nerve to say it was glowing YELLOW! Isn't that the grossest thing EVER?!
Monzo: Uh... I like yellow...
Tippi: Whatevs. Have you seen a camera guy named Monzo?
Monzo: I'm-
Peach: Oh yeah! He's supposed to be really, really tall-
Tippi: And handsome!
Peach: And he has the prettiest hair...
Tippi: And dreamiest eyes!
Monzo: Uh... I'm Mon-
Peach: OOH! And he should have muscles, a cute dog named Lenny, a totally awesome car-
Tippi: AND a mansion with an Olympic-sized swimming pool-
Peach: With high-pressure jets!
Monzo: ... Uhh...
Peach: OH! And he's a brilliant genius, a master chef, and-
Carrie: GUYS! Look at the giant text message in the sky! That's not Monzo, your dream guy! That's Monzo, the CAMERAMAN!
Carrie points to the non-macho Monzo, who is completely different from Peach and Tippi's description. Peach and Tippi stare at Monzo.
Peach: ... And we thought you were our dream guy!
Monzo: Uhh...
Tippi: Flint's waiting for you at the beginning of the cavern, jerkwad.
Monzo: Uh... Th-
Tippi: Heartbreaker!
Peach: Meanie!
Both of the girls huff, and leave Monzo, the jerk, to rot in the cold and cruel depths of the cavern. What a jerk.
Monzo: But I don't even know th-
Outside the door, the girls find Mario and Bowser playing Tug-of-War with a crystal Mario found. Oh, and they are whining like babies.
Bowser: GIMMIE THE SHINY THING!
Mario: NEVER!
Bowser: BUT I WANT IT!
Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOO-
Peach: STOP IT!
Mario: Okey-dokie!
Mario lets go of the crystal, making Bowser fall backwards into the the mine cart.
Bowser: (holding up crystal) VICTORY!
Oh, and the mine cart speeds away as soon as Bowser lands in it.
Bowser: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! The evil mine cart is going to take me to their leader, who shall eat me alive with his splinter jaws of death! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Peach and Tippi: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
After 30 minutes of MORE insanity, they FINALLY make it back to Flint and Co.
Flint: Smashing! Everyone's back together again! Now... WHO HAS THE KEY?! I've been waiting here for almost an hour, and I want to finish this episode and get my paycheck!
Hornfels: Oh my Crag! Is that ALL you care about?! MONEY?! You didn't ever CARE about our safety?!
Wario: DID SOMEONE SAY MONEY?!
Wario charges towards Hornfels.
Hornfels: Oh, probably you DID care about our safety, because without us, you couldn't get your precious MONEY!
Wario lunges at Hornfels, but Hornfels bends down to pick up his house keys (which dropped out his pocket), making Wario miss and smash into a wall.
Wario: Ow...
Flint: SO?! Money can do things YOU can't!
Hornfels: Oh yeah? Like WHAT?!
Flint: For starters, it can...
Peach: (to Mario and Bowser) Let's leave these idiots. They bore me! Plus, I can't STAND to be around a LIAR!
Peach glares at Monzo.
Monzo: WHAT'D I DO?
Bowser: Whatevs.
Mario: Okie-dokie!
So Mario and Co. leave Flint and Co. to their arguring. With the power of Mario's solid skull, they clear the locked door with ease.
Mario: Tingly!
Bowser: *GASP* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT ANOTHER MINE CART!
Peach: Seriously, Bowser, IT WON'T HURT YOU!
Bowser: BUT LOOK AT IT! So dark... Sinister... It's just waiting... waiting... TO SLOWLY KILL US IN AGONIZING PAIN! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
Mario punches Bowser.
Mario: GET A HOLD OF YO'SELF, MAN! She wants you to be a STRONG husband, not a wimpy one!
Bowser: Like Hefty paper plates?
Mario: Exactly.
Peach: BUT WE'RE NOT MARRI-
Bowser: You're actually right for once! I, THE TOTALLY AWESOME KING BOWSER, SHALL, FROM THIS POINT ON, BE A STRONG HUSBAND, AND QUIT MISTAKING LAXATIVES FOR HERSHEY'S KISSES!
Peach: ... Too much information.
Somewhere among the cavern, familar insane laughter can be heard due to Bowser's pledge.
Bowser: *GASP* IT'S THE EVIL SPIRITS-
Peach: IS NOT!
But anyways, they ride the cart, and make it to the next room.
Mario: I feel it. I feel the power nearby! Yes... Yes... FLIP!
Mario flips, hits a block with Cudge (an obviously hidden one) and re-flips. Then, he hits the ? Block to reveal...
Mario: SHINY CRACKER!
Tippi: FOR THE LAST TIME, IT'S A MEGA STAR!
Mario: SHUT UP! ME WANT SHINY CRACKER!
Peach: NO, ME!
Mario and Peach begin to get into a fist-fight. While Bowser finishes eating his cookie he saved, the Mega Star lands on him, turning him into 8-Bit Bowser.
8-Bit Bowser: Woah. I KNEW that cookie was magic!
Mario and Peach: NO FAIR!
8-Bit Bowser: Ha ha! Stinks to be you! And now... CHARRRRRRRRRGE!
8-Bit Bowser stomps and tromps through the cavern, destroying the Floro Sapiens in the area, several crystals, a hidden block (which hid another door), and London, all in 10 seconds.
Tippi: ... I refuse to believe that even happened.
A newspaper hits Tippi in the face, which shows her the news article involving Bowser and the Mega Star.
Tippi: GAH!
Mario: (sarcastically) Woah. Bowser's so fat that he smashed an unbreakable hidden block? Wow.
Bowser: *GASP* FAT?! WHY YOU LITTLE-
Bowser chases Mario through the new door, with Peach and the Pixls in hot pursuit. Mario hits the Star Block, FINALLY ending this chapter.
Chapter 5-4
Bowser: WHEN I CATCH YOU I'M GONNA-
Peach: GUYS! SLOW DOWN!
Bowser chases Mario off several ledges, down a pipe, off several more ledges, and finally corners him at a locked door. This door is marked J in the official SPM guide from Nintendo Power.
Bowser: YES! I'M GONNA WIN!
But Mario flips, making 2D Bowser run into a wall.
Bowser: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHYYYYYYYY?!
Peach: GUYS! Will you STOP it?! We've gotta open this door somehow! And I don't wanna search for the key, 'cause it'll take too long!
The heroes then see Flint and Co... er, they're still arguing?
Flint: WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS YOUR PASTRY-
Hornfels: MY NAME WAS ON THAT BAG OF JELLY ROLLS, YOU DOLT-
Flint: I'M TOO RICH TO READ!
Heroes: Idea...
So, with some secretly required stealth, Mario and Co. pick up Flint and Co, and decided to use them as battering rams.
Flint and Co: BUTTERY PASTRY?! Wait... What?
5 minutes later...
Flint and Co: Ow...
Peach: Well, we did it, guys! AND we made them stop arguing!
Hornfels: Wait a Crag... *GASP* I KNEW you stole my iPhone! GIVE IT BACK!
Flint: NEVER! I'M TOO CHEAP TO BUY MY OWN iPHONE!
Bowser: *GASP* iPHONE?! MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!
So Bowser tackles Flint for the iPhone, and Hornfels jumps in the fray a few seconds after.
Peach: *sigh*
So, Mario and Co. enter the door (Bowser not included), and jump over a small wall of blocks, only to find...
Random Cragnon: *GASP* THEY FOUND US, BRAH! I TOLD YOU! NOW WE'RE GONNA BE ZOMBIES! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
Some Pixl: No we're not. Look closer, young Timothy, and you shall see-
Timothy: -HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- *GASP* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
Some Pixl: Um, Timothy, they are not-
Timothy:-HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
Some Pixl: ... Timothy?
Timothy: -HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
Some Pixl: SHUT UP!
The force of her yell males one of the orange blocks loosen, and it falls on Timothy's head, knocking him out.
Some Pixl: FINALLY! I HATE this guy... Works up my every NERVE!
Suddenly, she notices Mario and Co.
Some Pixl: ... Is that... No, it can't be...
Cudge: DOTTIE!
Dottie: CUDGE!
Then, the two Pixls run- well, float- towards each other in a joyous slow motion. Then (somehow) they hug each other, while dramatic and moving music plays from nowhere. It is a Kodak moment.
Dottie: Oh Cudge, you don't know how much I missed you!
Cudge: Hey, I missed you too! Wanna come with us and save the worlds?
Dottie: Sure! Lemme just shrink you guys...
So, with Dottie's new power, Mario and Co. are the size of ants.
Peach: Ooh... Big.
They enter the red door, and turn back to normal outside the red door.
Peach: Bowser! Where are you?
They see Bowser beat up on the ground.
Bowser: Ow...
Mario: Ok, stupid. WHAT happened this time?
Bowser: HEY! It's not MY fault that Cragnons know Crag-Fu!
Mario: (sarcastically) Wow.
Bowser: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
Suddenly, Bowser notices a box of-
Bowser: HERSHEY'S KISSES!
Peach: Uh, Bowser, Hershey's Kisses are packaged in bags...
Bowser: ME WANT HERSHEY'S KISSES!
Bowser tries to pick it up, but the box is tugged away on a string.
Bowser: Oh C'MON-
After several tries that fail, Bowser decides to chase it. But it is still ahead of him.
Bowser: QUICK! Follow the Hershey's Kisses, guys!
Peach: Uh, Bowser, I don't think that's chocolate...
Bowser and Co. follow the box through the double doors of the Processing Center. The box goes through more double doors, but they lock as soon as they close.
Bowser: MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!
Peach: But Bowser, that door needs a key to-
*SMASH!*
Peach: -open. Why do I even bother...?
So they follow Bowser through another pipe (which appeared by a ? Block), and they fall on a Blue Switch, releasing...
Bowser, Mario, and Slim: ZOMBIE CRAGNONS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Floro Cragniens: Brains...
Random Cursya: HEY! What about me? Am I scary?
Floro Cragniens: Shut up, ya pile of Jell-o.
Random Cursya: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
Bowser: JELL-O?! Wait... CHOCOLATE!
After "resisting" the temptation of the pile of Jell-o-
Random Cursya: I'M NOT JELL-O-
-Bowser and Co. safely got across to the other side. Well, MOST of them...
Peach: HELP ME!
Bowser: *GASP* PEACH! NO! I'LL SAVE YOU!
Then, a puff of green smoke appears, and it clears, revealing...
Certain Death: ME, CERTAIN DEATH!
Bowser: *DOUBLE GASP* IT'S THE LOSER!
Certain Death: SILENCE, YOU FOOL! Thanks to an old friend, I have died, AND BECOME MORE POWERFUL! And now, I SHALL DESTROY YOU! MUH HA HA HA-
Suddenly, someone grabs Certain Death, and throws him into the crowd of Floro Cragniens.
Certain Death: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...
Floro Sapiens: Veggie brain! Yum!
And, that same mysterious guy saves Peach from the crowd of said Floro Cragniens.
Bowser: ... I'M STILL TAKING ALL THE CREDIT!
Peach: (dreamily) Oh Monzo, have you finally come at last?
Mysterious Guy: Ahahahaha! Silly girl! You babble about dream boyfriends and the glamorous life like random, sterotypical teenage girls! Ahahaha!
Bowser: EEEEEEEEEEEK! It's... IT'S-
Random Cursya: Jim Carey?
Bowser: NO! IT'S-
Mario: The circus freak. AND monkey boy. (sarcastically) Peach will be so happy to see you guys...
Dimentio: Mmm... Touchy today, are we? And hey, she actually might be glad to see me, knowing that she'll be half-insane hanging out with you idiots.
Mario: ... Did you just call me an idiot?
Bowser: *GASP* You're holding MY candy! MINE!
Dimentio: And...?
Bowser: GIVE IT BACK!
Dimentio: No.
Bowser: BUT WHY-
Peach: BOWSER! That is NOT Hershey's Kisses!
Bowser: It's not?
Dimentio: Is too.
Peach: QUIT LYING... ER... GAH! I STILL DON'T KNOW YOUR NAMES! SO... FRUSTRATING...
Dimentio: You know, you can look at the script-
Peach: GIMME!
Dimentio: *points at cheek* Kiss first!
Peach punches Dimentio, and snatches the script away from him.
Peach: Hmm.... Dimentio and O'Chunks...
Mario: Oh, their names fit them, al; right.
Bowser: Ok. For real now. Can I have my chocolate?
Dimentio: Sure.
Bowser: YAY!
Bowser scarfs down the whole box of Hershey's Kisses in one bite.
Bowser: That was deliciou- URK!
Mario and Peach: Uh oh...
Dimentio: (snickering wildly) Wait for it...
Bowser: BATHROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Mario and Peach glare at Dimentio, who is in another fit of uncontrollable laughter.
Mario: You. Evil. Little. Midget.
Dimentio: I couldn't help it! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA-
Bowser: YOU JERK!
Bowser tries to tackle Dimentio, but with a snap of his fingers, Bowser disappears.
Peach: HEY! Where did you send him?
Dimentio: To a bathroom.
Mario: A bathroom WHERE?
Brooklyn, New York, 2:00 P.M...
Bowser: WOAH. So THIS is the home of the Super Stupid Brothers! Meh. All I care about is to find lun- BATHROOOOOM!
Bowser runs into a construction site to find a port-a-potty...
Bowser: SWEET SALVATION!
with a long line in front of it.
Bowser: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Back to the Land of Cragnons...
Mario: In BROOKLYN? How did you know I LIVED in Brooklyn?!
Peach: Stupid. THE INTERNET ISN'T RESTRICTED TO ONE DIMENSION!
Mario: Oh.
Peach: And if Pauline thinks she can come over here and ruin OUR relationship, Mario, I'm gonna-
Dimentio: Wait. RELATIONSHIP?! I thought you were single!
Peach: Then HOW was the Chaos Heart pulled back into existance, stupid?
Dimentio stares at Peach, then at the spot Bowser previously stood, all in shock.
Dimentio: ... He wed YOU two?! He promised me that he'd wed Ganondorf and Zelda! HE LIED TO ME! LIIIIIIIIIIIIED!
Peach: Uh, yeah.
Dimentio: And you, the man with the festival of hair that dances upon his lip! I hate you even more.
Mario: Whatever, jealous.
Dimentio: *scoff* Me? Jealous? I don't think so. At least MY hair makes the girls jealous.
Mario: WHAT hair, stu-
To prove his point, Dimentio rips off his cap to reveal shiny, glittering, mirror-like, short raven hair that seems to glow with an inner light.
Dimentio: So. Who's stupidly jealous now?
Mario: I don't know, because I CAN'T SEE! MY EYES!
Prince Peasley: *GASP* How DARE you have better hair than me?! DIE!
Peasley and Dimentio get into a fight.
Peach: QUICK! This is our chance to leave before the jealousy overtakes me, making me rip off their scalps so they won't grow better hair than me FOREVER! MUA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Mario: WHAT?!
Peach: Nothing.
So Mario and Co. FINALLY leave.
O'Chunks: ... Ook.
Outside the Processing Center...
Mario: So, how are we going to get into King Croacus's fort?
Peach: With Floro Sprouts! While I was in the pit, I managed to grab three, one for each of us!
Mario: Uh... Bowser isn't going to be here for awhile.
Peach: Why?
Mario: You know... The laxatives...?
Brooklyn, New York, 2:12 PM...
Bowser: C'MON, HURRY UP, HURRY UP, HURRY, UP, HURRY UP-
Finally, Bowser is next in line.
Bowser: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
???: OUTTA THE WAY, MOVE IT, PEOPLE!
Suddenly, DK barrels through the line, knocking over people. He pushs Bowser aside, making him land on his shell, and enters the port-a-potty.
Bowser: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! JUST LIKE IN COLLEGE!
Back with Mario and Co...
Peach: Oh yeah... Ok!
After putting on the Floro Sprouts, the heroes successfully enter King Croacus's fort, where they find many Floro Sapiens in a conga line.
All the Floro Sapiens in the conga line: Cha cha cha cha cha, CHA!
Mario: What the?
Cudge: *GASP* Just like in college!
Mario: (annoyed) Ok, for real now. You guys go off to college, but for what career?
Cudge: Career? In the name of all the righteous rock songs in the world, what is a career?
Mario: ... Never mind.
Mario flips, and blows up the floor underneath the paintings, creating four holes. He then matches the switch colors with the paintings, saves his game in the farthest hole, and enters the throne room.
King Croacus: OOOOOOOOOO-WEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOO! I'm so pretty! EVERYTHING is pretty! PRETTY MAKES THE WORLD GO 'ROUND!
Mario: ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY EYES! AGAIN!
King Crocaus: (singing) I FEEL PRETTY! I FEEL PRETTY! I FEEL PRETTY AND WITTY AND ALIIIIIIIIIIVE-
Mario: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY EARS! I HATE THAT SONG! The sights... The sounds... THEY ALL BURN! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
King Croacus: WHAT, YOU HATE BEAUTY?!
Mario: No, Mommy.
King Croacus: Well good!
Peach: Er... Have you seen the Pure Heart?
King Croacus: You mean this shiny thing?
King Croacus holds up... the sixth Pure Heart!
Peach: YES! That's it!
King Croacus: You can't have it!
Peach: BUT WHY?!
King Croacus: Because you're too ugly to hold it! And besides, it smells like blueberries! Mmm, bluberr-
Peach catches fire, like in Super Princess Peach.
Peach: EX-CUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME?!
King Croacus: ...Uh oh.
Peach: DIE, YOU WENDY KOOPA REJECT!
Peach tackles the... er... Wendy Koopa Reject, and he burns up in flames.
King Croacus: OOOOOOOOOO-WEEEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOO! Ow...
Wendy: *GASP* HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY LIPSTICK COLOR?!
Wendy kicks King Croacus and leaves.
Burnt (and kicked) King Croacus: Ow... Again...
Several Floro Sapiens run in, and gasp.
Orange Floro Sapien: The king is defeated!
Yellow Floro Sapien #1: Yeah! What we're gonna do now?
...
Orange and Yellow Floro Sapiens: ... PARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTY! WHOOOOOOOO!
The orange Floro Sapien and two yellow Floro Sapiens leave.
Purple Floro Sapien: You GUYS! UGH. I'll never understand you...
Peach: ... So...
Purple Floro Sapien: Ok, so we kidnapped the Cragnons because they dumped trash in our water supply! It poisoned many Floro Sapiens, including our king!
Mario: Seriously? So that's why this water tastes funny...
Mario throws the glass of polluted water behind him, hitting Flint in the face.
Flint: Ow...
Hornfels: Hmmm... Got it! We'll air a craggin' expose' on the hazards of dumping trash into thr rivers!
Peach: Or pollution.
Hornfels: Whatevs.
Mario: Ok. Can we take that Pure Heart and save the worlds now?
Purple Floro Sapien: Yeah, sure, whatever.
Mario picks up the Pure Heart. MARIO AND CO. HAVE THE SIXTH PURE HEART! END OF CHAPTER 5! At *Volcano erupts*
Nastasia (on her cell phone): Er, yeah... Can you send a doctor over here? One of my acquantices isn't feeling very well...
O'Chunks: *grunts like a monkey*
Nastasia: What signs does he have? Um, he's acting like a monkey for one... You know, with the inability to talk and all that...
Mimi appears.
Mimi: Nassy, have you seen O'Chunks? I was wondering if we could go out and get ice cream toget- Oh! There you are!
O'Chunks: Ook.
Nastasia: ... So, are you going to send a doctor or not? ... You are? K, thanks. Bye.
Nastasia snaps her cell phone shut, only to find O'Chunks gnawing on Mimi's hair.
Mimi: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
Nastasia: HEY! STOP THAT!
Nastasia throws a clipboard at O'Chunks's head, which made him drop Mimi and go into a monkey frenzy. O'Chunks starts screeching like an angry monkey.
Nastasia: Oh, this is NOT good.
Mr. L walks in.
Mr. L: YO! What's goin' on in here?! I'm trying to practice my MAD DJ SKILLZ, and all I hear is-
Suddenly, a barrel hits Mr. L in the face.
Mr. L: Ow...
O'Chunks, with more monkey screeching, grabs Nastasia, jumps out the nearest window, and begins climbing up to the top of *car crashes*, King Kong style.
Nastasia: HELP ME, MR. L!
Mr. L: Why should I?
Nastasia: BECAUSE I SAID SO!
Mr. L: And...?
Nastasia: I'LL TELL EVERYONE YOU LIKE CORN IF YOU DON'T HELP ME!
Mr. L: You lie. There is NO WAY in Canada that I'll help you!
A satelite dish falls on Mr. L's head.
Mr. L: Satelite dish? Wait.. .*GASP* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HE DESTROYED OUR ONLY ACCESS TO CABLE! MUST... DESTROY...
Mr. L follows after O'Chunks in hot pursuit, and they battle it out, Donkey Kong style.
Mimi: Just great. NOW WHO WILL EAT ICE CREAM WITH ME?!
Dimentio: Hi.
Mimi: ACK! Will you QUIT that?!
Dimentio: Ok.
Mimi: Really?
Dimentio: Nope.
Mimi: I hate you.
Dimentio: Aww, I hate you too, with all my heart!
Mimi: Eat ice cream with me, or die.
Dimentio: You're so pleasant to be around...
Mimi: QUIT WITH THE SARCASM!
Dimentio: What sarcasm?
Mimi slaps Dimentio, and they both leave. In Flipside...
Merlon: Woah. DUDE. This chapter is WAY too long.
Peach: So?
Merlon: SUPER MAGICIAN POWERS ACTIVATE!
Merlon glows blue, then stops.
Mario: Well...?
Merlon: I can send you to Flopside Heart Pillars now! I was only limited to Flipside Heart Pillar transportation, but-
Bowser: We wasted our money! Great.
Peach: BOWSER! You're back!
Bowser: Yeah, I know. Man, Brooklyn was one crazy place! I mean, every time I tried to go to a pizza parlor, they would instantly shut down! And then, they sent the army after me, and we battled it out in a totally futuristic fashion, 'cause I had HIPPIES in my army!
Peach: You mean animal rights activists?
Bowser: Whatevs. Then, I hid in one of the scientists's caspules, and... TA-DA! DA BOWSA'S BACK, BABY!
Mario: A time machine? Dude... Brooklyn's changed...
Melon: Whatevs. Good luck-
Mario and Co. begin to back away.
Merlon: ... GUYS! HA HA! Tricked you!
Merlon sends them to the next Heart Pillar in Flopside. Then, the Merlon-Bot 3000 kicks him for no reason.
Merlon: OW! WHY YOU LITTLE-
Merlon and Merlon-Bot 3000 get into a fight. But at the area of the Heart Pillar, they break the block and hit the button, and the Heart Pillar materializes. They put in the Pure Heart, special effects happen, and they are teleported back to the top of Flipside Tower.
Bowser: Quick! Into the next door! Adventure, excitement, danger, and shovels await us!
And so, they enter the blue door. Is Bowser psychic? Why did Bowser forget about the golden twinkie? Was Dimentio really kidding, or for real when he uttered those three words? Will Flint ever finish an episode and get his paycheck? Do Hornfels and Monzo even GET a paycheck? Will Flint and Co. ever get along? Will Monzo stop being a jerk? What happened to Wario? Will Bowser stay true to his pledge? Will the Cragnons stop polluting? Will Mr. L save Nastasia? Will I ever shut up? WiIl Mimi and Dimentio kill each other on their little ice cream trip?
Dimentio: Give us your ice cream now...
Mimi: Or I'll eat your head off, 'cause that's what some spiders do!
The Cashier Guy: Oh yeah? Prove it!
10 seconds later...
Dimentio: -AND you ate his guts! You're like the little sister I've never had!
Mimi: Yeah, sure, whatever. Now shut up and eat your ice cream.
... Ok... Until Chapter 6 of Stupid Paper Mario!