Chapter 6: Kung-Fu with a Side of Insanity and Popculture (Sammer Kingdom, dummies!)
Chapter 6-1
Bowser: Kung-Fu? That must mean... NINJAS! FINALLY we're getting somewhere!
Mario: AND samurai dudes! SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET.
Peach: YAY! Now I can show off my superior brand of Kung-Fu!
Tippi: Guys?
Peach: Did you know I'm a Blackbelt?
Bowser: *GASP* FOR REAL?!
Mario: AWESOME. But if you're a Blackbelt, why won't you Kung-Fu Bowser into submission every time he tries to kidnap you?
Peach: Because YOU need exercise.
Mario: Are you calling me LAZY?!
Peach: Well, you hardly exercise at home! Traveling distant lands to save me is the only exercise you do!
Tippi: Guys...
Mario: I do TOO exercise!
Peach: Like what?
Mario: Those sports games I host, like Mario Power Tennis and stuff!
Peach: Oh, please. Those were STUNT DOUBLES! I'm not stupid, you know...
Mario: WELL, I WISH YOU WERE!
Peach: WHAT?!
Bowser: I KNOW THE FINE HIMALAYAN ART OF KURI-NA-
Tippi: GUYS!
Mario, Peach, and Bowser: WHAT?!
Tippi: LOOK at the sky!
And so, the Heroes looked up to see...
Mario, Peach, and Bowser: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BIG... BIG...
Tippi: Ya see? Now, if we wanna save this kingdom, we gotta get a move-
Bowser: BIRD!
Tippi: WHAT?!
Sure enough, Big Bird flew across the sky, with a carefree expression on his face.
Mario, Peach, and Bowser: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Tippi: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
And so, completely ignoring the giant Void, the Heroes entered the Sammer Guy Kingdom.
1st Gate: Jade Blooper
???: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I HAVE BEEN DEFEATED!
Some guy ran past Mario and Co. with lightning speed, exiting the Sammer Guy Kingdom.
Jade Blooper: HA! Wimp! That's right, go run and dry to your mommy!
Peach: Dry?
Jade Blooper: Oops, typo. I mean CRY! CRY to your mommy! MUH HA HA HA HA-
BAM!
Jade Blooper: ... Ow...
Peach: Idiot.
Bowser: Woah. My wife is nice, hot, funny, AND knows Kung-Fu! I'm SO the luckiest dude alive!
Peach: For the last time, WE'RE NOT MARRIED-
???: Woah indeed!
Peach: Huh? Who's callin'?
Mario and Co. turned around to see King Sammer, ruler of the Sammer Guy Kingdom.
Bowser:*GASP* IT'S A TALKING CROWN-THING!
King Sammer: Er, yeah. But anyways-
Bowser: No, you cannot date my wife's crown!
Peach: Bowser, that's a human being wearing an oversized crown for a mask.
Bowser: Nuh-huh, that's a talking crown!
Peach: Is not.
Bowser: Is too.
Peach: Is not.
Bowser: Is too.
Peach: IS NOT!
Bowser: Is too.
Peach: Is NOT-
Mario: So anyways, who are you and what do you want? And I'm all out of Cheetos, so don't ask.
King Sammer: No Cheetos? Dang. BUT! I'm King Sammer, and that was an excellent epic battle you displayed!
Mario: "Epic"? Whaddya mean "epic"? She just Judo-kicked him in the face while he was acting like a nut!
King Sammer: Exactly!
Mario: (Just great. Another idiot...)
Tippi: Have you seen a Pure Heart around here?
King Sammer: Pure Heart... Oh, you mean this?
King Sammer holds up... the seventh Pure Heart!
Peach: *GASP* That's it!
King Sammer: You may have it... after you beat up the other 99 Sammer Guys!
The Heroes: WHAT?!?!
Suddenly, the other 99 Sammer Guys crowd around the first gate, yelling things like "HI-YA!", "I'm number one!", and "I like corn!"
King Sammer: ... HEY! WHO SAID THEY LIKED CORN?!
The other 98 Sammer Guys point at one, AKA Forbidden Slap, who is whistling nervously.
King Sammer: AGAIN Forbidden Slap? WHY must you be SO annoying when challengers arrive? I mean, C'MON.
Urchin Lung: Forbidden Slap? Wasn't he supposed to be suspended AGAIN, this time for learning the ancient dark art of the toejam?
Forbidden Slap: Uhh... DIE!
Forbidden Slap and Urchin Lung begin to fight.
Bowser: ALL RIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Tippi: But anyways... ARE YOU INSANE?! We can't beat all those Sammer Guys!
King Sammer: Why?
Tippi: LOOK at the sky!
King Sammer: It's a cloudy day. So?
Tippi: NO, IT'S NOT! Are cloudy days PURPLE? Huh? HUH?!
King Sammer: Wow. For a ladybug, you're pretty angry.
Tippi: I'M NOT A LADYBUG! I'm a BUTTERFLY, you idiot! So, unless you want your dimension destroyed, GIVE US THE PURE HEART!
King Sammer: What are you talking about? From my view, it's already destroyed.
Tippi: WHADDYA MEAN IT'S ALREADY DESTROYED?!
King Sammer: Everything looks all blurry... I can't even see how many fingers I hold up- HEY! Is that a talking fruit?
Sunshine Flood: Uh... Can we go back to our posts now?
King Sammer: Oh. Sure you can!
97 of the Sammer Guys: YAYNESS!
So, all of the Sammer Guys return to their posts, while Urchin Lung and Forbidden Slap are dragged back to theirs.
Tippi: Uh... Do you need glasses?
King Sammer: Glasses? Why, yes I do! Rolling Thwomp smashed my new (and only) pair I had yesterday by playing with his cute little kittens! I tried contacts a month ago, but due to a freak accident with them, I'm legally blind in my left eye!
Tippi: ... Let's just go.
And so, the Heroes take on the Duel of 100.
2nd Gate: Hill with Eyes
Hill with Eyes: I am Hill with Eyes! I see all!
Bowser: For real?
Hill with Eyes: Yes! Wherever you go, I'm always there... WATCHING!
Bowser: Even in the bathroom?
Hill with Eyes: NO! ... Well ok, once...
Bowser: And...?
Hill with Eyes: It was really stinky.
Bowser: Ha ha! Stinks to be you!
Hill with Eyes: Grrrrrrrrrr... DIE!
Hill with Eyes tries to slice Bowser with his mace/sword thing or whatever, but instead gets burned to a crisp by Bowser's fire breath.
Bowser: Oh yeah, I'm the man! Plus, he smells like fishsticks! I wonder if he was a talking fish in his past life...
3rd Gate: Puffing Fist
Puffing Fist: I am Puffing Fist! I shall punch your cat!
Peach: Ok...
Boomer: Well, I eat them!
Puffing Fist: *GASP* You evil, evil demon! YOU DIE NOW!
Puffing Fist tries to slash Bowser, but instead gets a taste of Peach's fists of fury. Note that she changed her outfit as well, for she is now wearing a pink-and-white Kung-Fu robe, a white bandana decorated with a pink heart pattern, her hair in a ponytail, and she is barefoot. Note that she wears this outfit throughout the entire chapter.
Bowser: Yup. That's SO my hot wife!
Peach punches Bowser.
Bowser: Ow.
4th Gate: Squatting Birdo
Squatting Birdo: I am Squatting Birdo!
Mario: Yeah, so?
Squatting Birdo: I SHALL SQUAT ON YOUR DEFEAT! SQUAT! SQUAT! SQUAT!
Bowser: ... Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak...
Squatting Birdo, well, squats. In fact, he begins to squat all over the place. And on his fifth squat, a loud ripping sound can be heard.
Bowser: Ha ha! He ripped his pants!
Squatting Birdo: I'm a girl, you idiot!
"Squatting Birdo" casts off her disguise to reveal...
The Heroes: BIRDO?!
Birdo: Yes, it's me! And I'm back for revenge!
Peach: Revenge? Wait... Ohh, you mean that incident back in SMB2 with the eggs and the bombs and the candy and the-
Birdo: ENOUGH! Thanks to you guys, I can't sleep at night! I'm, like, SHUNNED from society!
Bowser: (sassy-like): Honey, the very IDEA of your existance was shunned! You, like, totally used some kind of other-worldly GameShark to exist!
Birdo: THAT'S THE STUPIDEST INSULT I'VE EVER HEARD! Plus, YOU WEREN'T EVEN THERE! WHY ARE YOU INSULTING ME?!
Bowser: Because.
Birdo: BECAUSE WHY?!
Bowser: Because you said so.
Birdo: I DID NOT!
Bowser: Did too.
Birdo: DID NOT!
Bowser: Did too.
Birdo: DID NOT-
Peach: (whispering to Mario) He's stalling her. Quick, let's get outta here!
Mario: (whispering to Peach) Right.
And so, the two polar opposites sneak off, leaving Bowser and The Shunned One, who is so shunned that I can't even say her name. Wow. Go me.
5th Gate: Leaping Cheep
Uh... A Cheep Cheep is flopping around on the stage.
Mario: Ok...
Suddenly, the Cheep Cheep stands up, jumps into the air, then begins beating up Mario, Kung-Fu-style.
Mario: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HELP ME!
Peach: No.
Mario: BUT WHY?!
Peach: It's funny! Hee hee hee!
Mario: OH -OW- C'MON! HE'S -OUCH- A BLACKBELT!
Peach: Which is cool.
Mario: WAHH!
Kung-Fu Cheep-Cheep: I am the true Leaping Cheep! The reason I wasn't in the game is because Nintendo thought this scene to be too violent. FEAR MY MUSCLES!
Peach: Awesome. Can we make him our honorary fifth hero of the Light Prognosticus?
Mario: ...N-
Peach: Okay! Leaping Cheep, you are now the fifth official hero of the Light Prognosticus!
Leaping Cheep: I am honored.
Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Leaping Cheep punches Mario.
Leaping Cheep: SHUT UP, WEENIE!
As soon as he finishes that line, Bowser flies across the stage (due to Birdo's round-house kick) and lands on Mario.
Mario: Pain...
Then, Bowser notices Leaping Cheep, and fries him with fire breath. Oh, and he eats him too.
Mario: YESSSSSSSSSSSS! I LOVE YOU, BEST FRIEND!
Bowser: O-kay...
Peach slaps Bowser.
Peach: You IDIOT! You just ate the coolest fish EVER!
Bowser: Cool? Tasted lukewarm to me.
Peach punches Bowser and drags him to the next gate, with Mario behind them.
6th Gate: Master Wiggler
Mario: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S A MASS COMBINATION OF THE WIGGLES! KILL IT! KILL IT!
Bowser: I can't!
Mario: BUT WHY?!
Bowser: Because... Because... BECAUSE-
Mario: BECAUSE WHAT, MAN?!
Bowser: BECAUSE I LOVED THAT SHOW SINCE I WAS A KID! I STILL LOVE THAT SHOW!
Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU EVIL, BRAINWASHING DEMON!
???: DEMON?! DIE!
Suddenly, two figures, fast as ninjas, appear and stab Master Wiggler as fast as lightning with their katanas. Master Wiggler falls to the ground, defeated.
Bowser: *GASP* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU EVIL, EVIL JELL-O MOLDS!
Peach: *raises eyebrow* Jell-O molds?
Bowser: Uhhhhhhh...
Mario: YES! IT'S DEAD! OH YEAH!
??? #1: Yeah, sure, whatever. Now give us the cash.
Mario: WHAT?!
??? #1: I SAID, give us the cash.
Mario: I'm not paying you guys anything! I'm saving all the worlds, YOUR world included! THAT should be payment enough!
??? #2: He's right, Kat-
Kat: SHUT UP, ANA! I'M TOO GREEDY TO CARE!
Ana: And once again, I feel like I've been adopted.
Kat: WHO CARES?! MONEY NOW!
Mario: Wow. Wario really DID rub off on you.
Kat: PREPARE TO DIE, MONEY HOG!
Kat tackles Mario and begans beating him up. Wario joins the fray a few minutes later, and Peach joins the battle as well, because she has nothing else to do.
Tippi: You GUYS! We gotta beat up the rest of the SAMMER GUYS, remember? HELLO?!
Bowser: Why didja hafta leave this world? WHY?!
Master Wiggler: Self-destruction imminent in 5... 4... 3-
Bowser: Elf eruption? I didn't know elves come from volcan-
BOOM! The Heroes, as well as Wario and his employees, fly across many gates due to the force of the explosion. The Heroes land in the 18th gate, while Wario and the twins fly further on. Oh, and they land on Hairy Arantula in the Grass.
Hairy Arantula in the Grass: Ow...
Bowser: Aww, no elves! This is such a sad day in the life.
Peach, without any effort, drags Bowser towards the next gate. Bowser, while being dragged, is dragging Mario, who landed on his head in the crash.
Mario: Tingly!
19th Gate: Another Castle
Another Castle: I'm sorry, but your victory is in another castle. Your defeat, however, is HERE!
Mario: Feet? I LOVE FEET!
Another Castle: Okay...
Peach: I'll give you twenty bucks if you let us pass.
Another Castle: DEAL! Now I can buy that leather jacket I've been saving up for...
Another Castle takes the twenty bucks, then leaves. The Heroes continue towards the next gate.
20th Gate: Rolling Thwomp
Mario and Co. see Rolling Thwomp being squashed constantly by, well, a rolling Thwomp.
Rolling Thwomp (not the Sammer Guy): This is for replacing me in the game, punk!
Peach: ... Well, THAT'S convenient.
???: And you finally arrive!
The Heroes look up to see...
Mario: COUNT CANOLLI!
???: NO, YOU DUMMY! IT'S ME, COUNT BLECK!
Mario: Count Black?
Bleck: Count BLECK!
Mario: Count Bleach?
Bleck: Count BLECK!
Mario: Count Bleak?
Bleck: Close...
Mario: Count... Uhh... Look! I have five toes! Ha ha ha!
Bleck: And I like Fritos! YAY!
Peach: Uh, dude? You're wasting our time...
Bleck: Oh yeah... Bleck came to tell you that it's too late to stop the Void! You should leave and give up and stuff!
Bowser: And destroy an AWESOME world filled with ninjas? NEVER!
Bleck: Ninjas are stupid. Spies are better!
Bowser: *LE GASP* How DARE YOU-
Tippi: (to Peach): Blumiere... Always so childish...
Peach: Bloomer-WHO?
Tippi: Never mind...
And so, Peach and the Pixls leave the idiotic boys, and they reach the 25th Gate with ease. They hit the Star Block, and ended the subchapter.
Chapter 6-2
26th Gate
King Sammer: So, my champion fighter arrives! I now realize that my world is going to crumble, so the Pure Heart is in that chest over there!
Peach: Whatevs.
Peach kicks open the chest to reveal...
Peach: An egg?
King Sammer: WHAT?! LEMMIE SEE!
King Sammer pushes Peach aside to, indeed, find an egg. It's as tall as the chest, actually, and it's colored off-white with blue spots.
King Sammer: WHAAAAAAAAT?! There was supposed to be a BOMB in there! Oh well, I'll still destroy you anyway!
"King Sammer" disappears in a cloud of smoke, and reappears as Mimi.
Boomer: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOT YOU AGAIN!
Mimi: Mimimimimimimimimimimimimi! And I STILL haven't forgotten about Lila!
Peach: Lila? Who's that?
Mimi: DIE!
Mimi dives at Peach, but due to her dodging, lands right next to the egg.
Mimi: ARGH! Wait... There's a NOTE on this egg!
Mimi carefully peels off the note, which reads:
Dearest Mi,
I really enjoyed the time we had at the mall today, and I heard about the loss of your cat, Lila. I said "loss" because I have found your cat-
Mimi: *GASP* HE FOUND MY CAT! OHMIGOSH! OHMIGOSH! HE FOUND LILA! I MUST RETURN IMMEDIATELY!
Mimi disappears along with the egg. The note, however, she ;eaves behind.
Tippi: Wonder what the rest of the note says...
Boomer: Who cares? SHE'S GONE! YESSSSSSSS!
Tippi: Whatevs.
Peach picks up the note, and reads where Mimi left off:
-and ate her, like a hungry cannibal who haven't eaten in days. I mean, C'MON. O'CHUNKS was COOKING dinner TONIGHT! It was either that or your cat. It wasn't my fault that she was just there! I'm sure you understand. So to make up for it, I brought you an egg! The sales guy didn't tell me what type of creature it is, 'cause he didn't know himself. But hey, that's part of the sutprise! I hope you like it!
Love, Di-Di, your bestest friend
Tippi: ...
Peach: Oh WOW. The writing in cursive is bad enough. The pink ink is WORSE. But they BONDED? With NICKNAMES?! I'm HOPING that he wrote this with a mocking attitude...
Suddenly, a loud rumble is heard, and the entire dimension shakes violently, knocking Peach off her feet.
Peach: OW! Crudsticks... We don't have much time! What should we do?
Tippi: Why are you asking me? I'm a frellin' butterfly, not a cheat sheet!
Peach: Well, YOU'RE the one who dragged us on this insane adventure! You SHOULD know!
Tippi: BUT I'M NEW AT THIS!
Peach: SO?!
Bowser: Hi.
Peach and Tippi: SHUT UP!
Bowser: WHAT'D I DO?!
Peach: Look Bowser, we're trying to argue here. Can you please shut up and do something productive?
Bowser: But I did! I found out how the Sammer Guys get to their gates and stuff! With the secret underground passage, we can sneak into the castle and get the Pure Heart!
Peach and Tippi: ...
Slim: ... Are you SURE you didn't steal this idea pa-
Bowser: NO!
Slim: Oh... Okay! Lead the way, pard!
Bowser lifts one of the panels on the stage to reveal an underground passage. They all jump into...
Peach: A mine cart?
Tippi: I guess this is how they get to their gates so fast...
Peach: Well duh, the dial goes from "Snail Slow" to "Hyperspeed".
Mario: MELEH! Mine cakes! Yummy!
Young Cricket: CRICKET CRUSH!
Bowser: Uk, ok. Who in the world are you?
Young Cricket: I'm Young Cricket! You know, from WarioWare: Smooth Moves...
Bowser: Oh yeah... You're the Dragon Ball Z wannabe!
Young Cricket: HEY! You got a lot of nerve, 'cause your hair looks awfully similar to Kaput's from Kaput and Zosky!
Bowser: Kaput and Zosky? Who in the world are they?
Peach: French cartoon. So are we going to save the worlds or not?!
Bowser: Uh... Yeah? That's why we went on this adventure, right?
Peach: THEN START DRIVING!
Bowser: Ok! Ok! Sheesh... TO THE CASTLE! GODSPEED!
As soon as he says "Godspeed", the cart begins to move... Then it breaks under all the weight.
Bowser: WHAT?! But there's only three people in this cart! THREE! How can it be MORE people?!
Boomer: I BROUGHT FRIENDS!
Tippi: WHAT?!
Boomer points to several more people in the cart. Among these people are Princess Daisy, Wario (again), Tubba Blubba, Homer Simpson, Bill Gates, Kaput, and Zosky.
Young Cricket: Uh, I can't breathe-
Bowser: SHUT UP!
Tippi: GAH! Quit your babbling and RUN!
Bowser: Run? To where?
Tippi: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
Filled with frustration, Tippi (somehow) catches on fire and begins breathing it.
Bowser: HOLY CRUD ALA SYRUP! RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Hey, that's what you get for annoying the sane ones to death.
Bowser: HEY!
But anyways, to avoid her wrath, they kick it into high gear, and begin running like the roadrunner. But as soon as they reached the 99th Gate, the Void goes critical and swallows everything up, from the smallest pebble to the tallest tower. EVE-RY-THING.
GAME OVER
The End
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Bowser: HEY! We're still ALIVE here!
Peach: And back at Flipside Tower, no less...
Mario: Tingly!
Bowser: But MAN! DANG IT, BOOMER! If it wasn't for your stupid friends, we could've gotten the Pure Heart!
Boomer: Well, THEY wanted to be heroes too-
Bowser: SHUT UP! Bill Gates is TOO RICH to be a hero! Tubba Blubba is evil, Homer Simpson is too stupid-
Slim: Uhh... The Simpsons Movie, pard?
Bowser: Oh yeah... And Wario, Kaput, and Zosky are ANTI-Heroes! NOW do you get it?!
Peach: They teach the basics of pop culture in Harvard?
Bowser: Yup!
Private Koopa: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNN!
The Heroes: ...
Private Koopa: ... What?
Tippi: Er... I think you were a little late-
Bowser: WAAAAAAAAY late!
Private Koopa: Aw crudsticks! Curse you, Wendy's and your chicken nuggets! CURSE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!
Mario: Dude, you just missed your cue one time. It's not a big deal.
Private Koopa: No, I said that 'cause those chicken nuggets ruined my diet! I want abs! ABS!
Mario: YOU? Abs? (sarcastically) Wow.
Private Koopa: SHUT UP!
Tippi: Hey guys, the door's still here. Let's go!
Mario: (whispering to Bowser) That is one moody insect.
Bowser: (whispering back) Totally.
Tippi (somehow) punches them both.
Mario and Bowser: Ow...
So the Heroes re-enter the blue door.
Chapter 6-1
Peach: ACK! The whiteness! Like my wedding dress, IT BURNS!
Echo: Burns... burns... burns...
Bowser: An echo? Cool.
Echo: Cool... cool... cool...
Mario: BLEHBLEH WHATZITFACE!
Echo: Face... face... face...
Mario and Bowser: *giggle like little girl*
Echo: *giggle like little girl*
And so this continues as they trek foward in the vast blankness that somehow reminds me of that old show Chalkzone.
Slim: I LOVE THAT SHOW-
Without her pink-tinted designer glasses, Peach would be blind due to the extreme pure whiteness. Wonder how the others can take it...
Bowser: I am smart!
Echo: Smart... smart... smart...
Slim: I like pie!
Echo: Pie... pie... pie...
Mario: (Heh heh, let's see him take THIS one!) I am dumb!
Echo: Dumb... dumb... Dumb you are!
Mario: WHAT?! You were supposed to fall for it!
Bowser and Slim (like Nelson): Ha ha!
Peach: Will you guys SHUT UP-
Tippi: HEY! What's that?
Tippi points ahead to...
Peach: THE SEVENTH PURE HEART! ... I think.
Mario: Oh great. What did that idiot king do to it? Dunk it in cement?
Bowser: Or it could be fake...
Peach: ... Wow Bowser, you're actually thinking logically for once!
Bowser: Well honey, that's what happens when you graduate from Harvard!
Mr. L: YOU? HARVARD? (sarcastically) Wow.
Bowser: SHUT IT, BLOCKHEAD!
Mario: AND THAT'S MY SARCASTIC "WOW"!
Mr. L: Whatevs. I don't see your name on it! Or any other proof that proves that you, indeed, created the sarcastic "wow". OR scarcasm itself!
Peach: Ok, for real, Luigi. STOP FOOLING AROUND!
Mr. L: I'M NOT LUIGI! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THAT?!
Boomer: Uh... I'll eat your cat?
Mr. L: ENOUGH!
With the press of a button on his remote control, Mr. L summons...
Mr. L: BROBOT L-TYPE!
Bowser: ... Still ripping off Jimmy Neutron.
Mr. L: SILENCE! I SHALL KILL YOU!
Bowser: Stole Stella Lecarde's line...
Mr. L: STOP THAT! I'm completely original!
Bowser: Uh, no. As proven in P.T.'s Fun Fic, YOU are a cheap Hamburglar rip-off. As proven in THIS Fun Fic, you rip off Jimmy Neutron constantly. The line before the line you just said contains one of the lines Stella Lecarde says in battle in Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin. In short, you are a cheap, uninspired character that gets his "inspiration" from other people's works. Nickelodeon is SO gonna sue you...
Mr. L: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
In his rage, Mr. L jumps into Brobot L-Type, FINALLY iniating a Boss Battle.
Thoreau: A real Boss Battle? I say... FINALLY!
BOSS BATTLE!
Bowser: 35/35
HP
Vs.
Brobot L-Type:
64/64 HP
Bowser looks up at the stats.
Bowser: Dude, your robot had 255 HP! Why did you tune it down to 64?
Mr. L: ... So THAT'S what they took in exchange for all these gadgets! Stupid Larauto Inc!
Bowser: Larauta-WHO?
Meanwhile at Larauto Inc, a new auto shop in Flipside...
Larson: (wearing a mustache) SUCKER!
Back at the "Sammer Kingdom"...
Bowser: Oh. So... Er... EXPIRE!
Mr. L: Huh?
Er... Very intellectual battle cry. But anyways, Bowser breathes fire at Brobot L-Type, making him take damage. Brobot L-Type responds with lasers that scorch Bowser and his mohawk.
Bowser: *GASP* MY MOHAWK! YOU DIE NOW!
Bowser throws Boomer at the Brobot, which is trying to suck up Bowser. Instead, it swallows Boomer and suffers heavy damage.
Mr. L: CRUDSTICKS! Well... EAT THIS CLASSIC!
Brobot L-Type shoots out two fists to punch Bowser, but it misses because Bowser is breathing fire at his boots (he has to bend to breathe fire, you know). Then Brobot L-Type launches a missle at Bowser that misses-
Bowser: WHOO! I'm da man-
Mr. L: Oh C'MON-
-then takes a sharp U-Turn, hitting Bowser in the back!
Bowser: OW!
Mr. L: (like Nelson): Ha ha!
STATUS CHECK
Bowser: 15/35
HP
Vs.
Brobot L-Type:
24/65 HP
Mr. L: I'm winning! YES!
Bowser: But you're still a ripoff.
Mr. L: Uhhh... LOOK! IT'S A RAINCLOUD OF SKITTLES!
Bowser: WHERE?!
While he is distracted, Brobot L-Type sucks up Bowser and spits him out, causing heavy damage.
Mr. L: HA! 5 HP LEFT! Whatcha gonna do now?
Bowser: No... It can't be! I'M THE STRONG ONE! It's just... just... ARGH-
Mario: Aw crud! He's losing focus! We've gotta do something!
Peach: Way ahead of you! Bowser, CATCH!
Peach throws the item at Bowser, which happens to be... Slim's flamethrower from Chapter 2! AND HE CATCHES IT!
Bowser: A flamethrower? SWEEEEEEEEEEET.
Mr. L: A what now?
Bowser: EAT THIS, YOU MICKIE D MOCKER!
Bowser shoots a powerful jet of flame at Brobot L-Type! With two hits...
Bowser: 5/35 HP
Vs.
Brobot L-Type:
0/64 HP
Brobot L-Type is defeated! And as the piece of metal that is a Jimmy Neutron ripoff explodes, Bowser does a dance of victory.
Bowser: OH YEAH! WHO beat the dork? I beat the dork! And WHO is the coolest dude alive? I'M the coolest dude alive, 'cause I'm da KING!
After the final explosion, Mr. L is ejected onto the ground with a painful thump.
Mr. L: Ow...
And so, Bowser grabs the Pure Heart that is about to fall onto the ground, all in slo-mo. And as he holds it up with pride, Mario and Peach do awesome Kung-Fu poses beside him, while victorious music plays. It is another Kodak moment.
BOWSER AND CO. GOT A PURE HEART! Sorta. With their Return Pipe, the Heroes return back to Flipside.
Mr. L: Ow... At least I didn't suffer brain damage...
Dimentio: You DIDN'T suffer brain damage? Aww! I wanted you to do that so you can die slowly and painfully under malpracticed brain sugery!
Mr. L: WHAT?!
Dimentio: Er, I mean... What are YOU doing here?
Mr.L: What DOES it look like, ya one-man freak circus?! I got trounced... AGAIN!
Dimentio: So?
Mr. L: "So"? "SO"?! Bleck's gonna chew me out BIG TIME for this!
Dimentio: Aha ha ha! Silly little boy, haven't you noticed? Bleck is as idiotic as... uh...
Mr. L: My bro?
Dimentio: Yeah, just like your brother! He barely knows you exist!
Mr. L: WHAT?! Are you LYING?! 'Cause if you're lying so you can suck up all the glory, I'm gonna-
Dimentio: Ok, ok, fine. I was LYING.
Mr. L: Really?
Dimentio: Nope.
Mr. L: I hate you.
Dimentio: Plus, the REAL reason we left you to deal with the man with the festival of hair that dances upon his lip is because I won big cash money, and we went on a globetrotting journey without you!
Mr. L: BUT WHY?!
Dimentio: We just don't like you.
Mr. L: (sarcastically) I guess there was no way to sugarcoat THAT reason, huh? Yeah, there was no way... JERKWAD!
Dimentio: Please. You call THAT insulting? My SISTER can do better! ... If she was alive... and I didn't kill her over the last doughnut-
Mr. L: Exsquuze me?
Dimentio: Err... YOU HEARD NOTHING!
Mr. L: (sarcastically) Yeah... I heard nothing... like I'm dumb like everyone else! Idiot.
Dimentio: IT WORKED LAST TIME! Chapter 4, REMEMBER?!
Mr. L: I refuse to believe it.
Dimentio: Fine, then. I have no other choice anyways...
Dimentio traps Mr. L in a cube. A CUBE? C'MON. I could do bet-
Dimentio: Shut it. And now, it's time to say good-DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!
Mr. L: Oh C'MON! Now people are trying to KILL me?! WHAT'D I DO?! Just now, I didn't say the name of an 8-Bit Theater comic episode! AND I didn't confess to killing MY sister- Oh wait, I DON'T HAVE ONE! AND you KNOW Bleck HATES Final Fantasy-
Dimentio: Did not, shut up, don't care. Ciao!
Mr.L: OH, SO YOU'RE GONNA LIE?! YOU DIRTY-
With a snap of Dimentio's fingers, the cube explodes. But not just ANY explosion: Mr. L blows up in a atomic explosion that shakes the entire empty dimension and rocks the casaba. Wow. Impressive. They must REALLY hate him, huh?
Dimentio: My hate for him burns like the rage of a thousand Angry Suns! But forget him; I have something important to do...
And so, he leaves. What IS a casaba anyways? But anyway, back to Flipside...
Peach: Again, Bowser... WHY DID YOU EAT ALL THE FOOD?!
Bowser: HEY! A growing boy has to eat, right?
Mario: (sarcastically) Yeah, a growing boy has to eat from the basic food groups, like fruits, veggies, fatty snacks, funiture, some guy's car keys-
Bowser: SHUT IT, CAPTAIN SARCASTIC!
Peach: UGH. Thanks to you guys, we're probably banned from eating at Sweet Smiles for LIFE! Plus, Saffron would probably contact Dyllis at Hot Fraun to notify her of our existence!
Bowser: Hot fawn? They cook baby DEER now?
Peach slaps Bowser as hard as she can; his head twists backwards for several seconds, then returns back to its normal position.
Bowser: My neck feels funny...
Tippi: You GUYS! We gotta get the Pure Heart to Merlon, REMEMBER?
The Heroes: Oh yeah...
And so, the Heroes go to Merlon's house, where Merlon is trying to breakdance, but fails.
Mario: Ok...
Merlon: My face...
Bowser: Dude, you gotta be careful when doing that. 'Cause one time, I knew this guy, who tried to outbreakdance this other street-performer guy, and he broke his ne-
Tippi: (impatiently) Are you done yet?!
Merlon: Geez. What's with the ladybug?
Tippi: OH GREAT, NOW YOU'RE BLIND IN YOUR RIGHT EYE TOO?!
Bowser: Aww, she's just sore 'cause the Pure Heart got all stoned.
Merlon: ...Stoned?
Peach hands him the stony-looking Pure Heart.
Merlon: Ohh, STONED. I see...
Mario: So, what's wrong with it?
Merlon: Well, it's-
???: Drained of hope and love and other good things!
Merlon: *GASP* Dude! THE CEILING TALKED!
Tipi: You idiot, THAT WAS NOT THE CEIL-
Merlon: IS TOO!
Tippi: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! I HATE YOU ALL! I HOPE YOU DIE!
Tippi leaves. And with a ripple of energy-
Mario: I know, I know, it's the circus freak.
Bowser: McBallyhoo?
Mario: I wish. I wanna beat up his stupid hat!
Peach: But you did that last week!
Mario: AND I WANNA DO IT AGAIN!
Peach: QUIT WHINING! (to Dimentio) Whaddya want THIS time? Did you win your stupid epic battle?
Suddenly, Norlem bursts through the front door.
Norlem: YO DUDES! Notice anything different?
Mario: Uhh... You're wearing a wig that looks similar to Peasley's hair?
Norlem: EXACTLY! And I bought it on eBay for the low price of 2,000 coins! Is it NOT awesome?!
Merlon: DUDE! That is so RIGHTEOUS! Did you know my ceiling can TALK?!
Merlon and Norlem: DUDE!
Peach: ... Well, at least I have the SECOND best hair in all worlds...
Dimentio: But you have the best hair out of all the women in all worlds-
Peach: NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
Dimentio: A perfectionist, huh?
Bowser: HEY! AWAY from the hot Kung-Fu wife!
Dimentio: You ACTUALLY survived Brooklyn? Aww! I wanted you to-
Mario: Die, we know. So... Why are you here?
Dimentio: To tell you what's wrong with it, that's why! Since it's drained of hope and love and all that other good stuff, it's... How do you say it...
Bowser: Broke?
Dimentio: Yeah, somethin' like that. *singsong* And you can't fix it...
Bowser: WHAT?! Are you SERIOUS?!
Dimentio: No.
Bowser: REALLY?!
Dimentio: Nope.
Bowser: WAHHH! Didja hear that guys? WE LOST!
Mario: Whatevs. Let's go home and watch some TV before we all die.
Peach: You idiots. Has that guy told you the truth about ANYTHING throughout this adventure so far?
Bowser and Mario: No.
Peach: THEN WHY ARE YOU BELEVING HIM NOW?!
Mario and Bowser:...
Slim: She has a point, pard...
Dimentio: (to Slim) You're not helping-
Peach: Gentlemen, we CAN fix it. We have the TECHNOLOGY. We can make it BRIGHTER! STRONGER!
Dottie: Lighter?
Peach: WE'LL SEE! TO THE LAB!
Mario: Uh... We can't go due to the fact that MERLON HAS NO LAB!
Peach: SO?! PRETEND he has one!
Mario: You're IMPOSSIBLE, you know that? I mean, C'MON. Do you even HAVE an experiment to fix it? Besides, you failed science in school anyway-
Peach punches Mario.
Mario: OW! WHY are we even friends anyway? All we do is fight-
Peach punches Mario again.
Peach: HOW DARE YOU TRY TO END OUR VIOLENT FRIENDSHIP?!
Bowser: WHOO! BEAT HIM UP! BEAT HIM UP!
While all this was going on, Dimentio traps all of them in a box-
The Heroes: Wait, wha-
-then with a snap of his fingers, another explosion commences. It isn't as big as Mr.L's, but the explosion still manages to break free of the box, blow up Merlon's house, and rock the casaba. Again... WHAT is a casaba? A fruit? A type of Arabian housing-complex?
Dimentio: (mumbling) Your death...
What?
Dimentio: Er... YOU HEARD NOTHING! Yeah... Nothin'...
GAME OVER
The End
Did you like this submiss-
Mario: NO, I DID NOT LIKE THIS SUBMISSION! First of all, I wanted to be ALIVE! NOT DEAD! Second of all, I wanted to WIN that battle! I was about to block her next attack and slam her towards the wall, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... Stupid clown! He made me look bad! And third-
Ghost Guy: Uh... Dude? Who ARE you talking to?
Mario: SHUT UP, SQUARE! DON'T YOU SEE I'M RANTING OVER HERE?!
Ghost Guy: Ranting? Ahh. I see you're experiencing step one of dying: disbelief and (possibly) indigestion.
Mario: INDI- Ok, for real now. WHAT are you talking about, WHO are you, and WHY are you acting all peaceful and mediate-y and stuff?
Ghost Guy: 'Cause I'm a monk. I used to be a Toad, too, you know... But now I'm a Shayde! My name is Ian, by the way.
Mario: Oh.
Ian: But anyways, welcome to the Underwhere, my young grasshopper. This is the realm of fallen gamers.
Mario: WHAT?! THIS is what I get in MY afterlife, after saving princesses and the worlds COUNTLESS TIMES?!
Ian: Er, no. If you have acted bravely and decently during your game, you shall ascend to the Overthere.
Mario: Ok, so why I ain't there, huh?!
Ian: Simple. When everyone dies, they must visit Queen Jaydes, ruler of the Underwhere.
Mario: Okay... And where does she live?
Ian: Follow the yellow brick road, young grasshopper.
Mario: ... You're kidding, right?
He wasn't; Ian points to, indeed, a yellow brick road.
Ian: Queen Jaydes LOVES the Wizard of Oz.
Mario: I see...
And so, after jumping into the fountain and annoying several Shaydes, Mario journeys to visit Jaydes, the Great and Terrible. Yeah...
Mario: (singing) OOOOOOOO-H, I'm off to see the Jaydes, the wonderful Jaydes of Where! Because, because, because, because, because... To save my pants from a tear!
Several Shaydes:...
Mario: ... What? It rhymed...
So, he enters the door.
Butterfly Girl: (singing): Do bi di doo!
Mario: Who the-?
Butterfly Girl: Oh, when I shall meet my handsome prince?
Mario: Ack! Stereotypical little girls! IT BURNS, EVEN IN THE AFTERLIFE!
Butterfly Girl: Huh?
Mario: Your babbling reminds me of Peach when she was a kid! Here, take this Magic 8-Ball! IT will listen to your mindless babbling, and NOT the rest of undead society!
Mario throws a Magic 8-Ball at her, which she catches, and Flips to pass the passage ahead.
Butterfly Girl: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE.
And so, with a war yell, Mario makes it to the next red door. After 35 tries. 35 painful tries...
Mario: Pain...
Luckily, there is a Super Shroom Shake on a nearby pipe. And so, with the power of flipping, he obtains it, and regains 20 HP.
Mario: Awesome.
So, he enters the next door.
Boatman: Yo.
Mario: Yo.
Boatman: Thissss is the River Twygz, made from the tears of sinnersss. For 4 coins, I can ferry you to the other sssside...
Mario: Uhh... LOOK! Is that a seagull?
Boatman: WHERE?!
Mario runs past the distracted Boatman, swims across the river, and enters the next door.
Boatman: AW CRUD! I TOLD the Underhands to grab ANYBODY that jumps into the river, so they can believe the story so I get more cash! But NOOOOOOOOOOOO... First, they missed a Shayde, then a green guy, and now HIM?! I'm twelve coins short, and they're SO fired.
In the next room, after passing several D-Men...
Jaydes: I am Jaydes, the Great and Terrible. Why do you seek me?
Mario: Uh... This isn't the land of Oz...
Jaydes: I KNOW that! I just WISH it was! Life can be so unfair...
Mario and some random D-Man: Tell me about it.
Jaydes: Calvin! Quit loitering or I'll sic the winged monkeys on you!
Calvin: Ok. (Freak...)
Jaydes: I HEARD THAT!
Calvin: !
Jaydes: So anyways, I'm Queen Jaydes, ruler of the Underwhere. Obviously that monk Shayde Ian told you the deal, right? So let's weigh your sins or whatever...
Jaydes begins to do so, but instead feels a powerful force.
Jaydes: Ok. Did you bring anything down here with you? 'Cause you can't, ever since that Star Wars-related incident...
Mario: You mean this?
Jaydes: *GASP* A PURE HEART! I KNEW that stupid King Sammer would sell it on eBay for some quick cash! And WHAT does he spend it on? COFFEE! IT MAKES MY STOMACH HURT! Stupid disgrace of a ruler...
Suddenly, her cell phone rings, and Jaydes answers it.
Jaydes: Yo, wazzap? Oh, hey Grams. Whaddya want THIS time? The toilet's clogged again? You lost your car keys? The auto-repair man wants to beat you up? ... WHAT?! LUVBI'S missing?! AND ALL WORLDS ARE ENDING?! OH C'MOOOOOOOOON... You've GOTTA be kidding me! ... Right. I'm on it. AND DON'T TOUCH THAT CUPCAKE IN THE FRIDGE! Whatevs. Bye.
Jaydes hangs up.
Jaydes: Ok. I'll fix the Pure Heart, so you save all worlds. But you've gotta save my daughter, Luvbi, first.
Mario: You mean that horrible sterotypical little girl whose very "accent" BURNS?!
Jaydes: ... Uh, yeah. I'll make her get rid of it-
Mario: GOOD, 'CAUSE THAT MAGIC 8-BALL I GAVE HER SHOULD BE DEAD BY NOW!
Calvin: Poor Magic 8-Ball...
Mario: I know!
After more conversation, Mario obtains a key, hands over the Pure Heart, and sinks to the bottom of the River Twygz.
Boatman: I STILL don't see that seagull... Wait, he tricked me AGAIN! ARGH!
Underhand #1: HA HA!
Boatman: SHUT UP, CLINTON!
And so, he clears the underground passage with ease, AND the weird orange fountains.
Mario: Hey look, a hobo!
???: I'M NOT A HOBO! LEAVE ME, YOU EVIL SPIRITS!
Mario: Ok, seriously, Luigi. STOP FOOLING AROUND, OR I'LL HIT YOU!
Luigi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?!
Mario: 'CAUSE IT'S ME, MARIO!
Luigi looks up to see his brother.
Luigi: Oh.
Mario: NOW STOP BEING A SISSY AND LET'S GO! We've got WORLDS to save! AND the queen's daughter!
Luigi: Whose "accent" BURNS?!
Mario: YEAH!
Luigi: Ok then. FOLLOW ME!
And so, thanks to Luigi, they find Luvbi, who is located in the far room on the second landing.
Luvbi: Ack! Hairy old men! IT BURNS!
Luigi: HEY! I'm 25! AND these 'staches made us famous!
Luvbi: So?
Luigi: Your mom wants you home.
Luvbi: And...?
Mario: She wants you to lose the accent.
Luvbi:*GASP* She-eth shall hear-eth a piece-eth of my mind! ... Eth.
Luvbi leaves.
The Bros: ... BURN...
Eventually...
Luvbi: But MOTHER! Thou aren't my prince! WHERE ART THOU?!
Jaydes: ENOUGH! You SHOULDN'T be down here anyways! QUIT WANDERING OFF OR YOU'RE GROUNDED!
Luvbi: Awww-eth...
Jaydes: AND LOSE THE ACCENT! AND APOLOGIZE TO THOSE NICE DUDES!
Luvbi: NO-ETH!
Jaydes glares at Luvbi.
Luvbi: Ok, ok! Sheesh... (to the Bros) I'm sorry. (NOT!)
Mario Bros: Whatevs. (Brat...)
Jaydes: And here's your reward!
Jaydes hands over... THE SEVENTH PURE HEART! ONLY BRIGHTER!
Luigi: Er... What is it?
Mario: Read the sentence above you, you idiot. Now... HOW ARE WE GONNA GET BACK TO FLIPSIDE?!
Jaydes: Look down!
The Bros. look down to see...
Luigi: Since when were we wearing ruby slippers?
Jaydes: Since now! Click your heels three times and say "There's no place like Flipside"!
And so, they do what they were told.
WHOOSH!
Luigi: ... Woah. That was weird.
Mario: Totally.
Merlon: Yo, dudes! YOU'RE BACK! ... With some guy...
Luigi: I'm his bro.
Merlon: Whatevs. You look similar to that guy who raided my fridge a few days ago. Called himself Mr. L or somethin'...
Everyone gives Luigi a funny look.
Luigi: ... What? Who IS Mr. L?
FINALLY, Tippi arrives.
Tippi: Hey, Mario. How was your death and resurrection?
Mario: The boatguy down there is a scam.
Tippi: I'll keep that in mind. Is your bro un-insane now?
Mario: Yup!
Luigi: Wha-
Merlon: ENOUGH! To the Heart Pillar with you!
You SHOULD know the drill by now. They put in the Pure Heart, special effects happen, and they are back on top of Flipside Tower.
Mario: LONGEST. CHAPTER. EVER.
Luigi: I'm still lost on this...
And F-I-N-A-L-L-Y, they enter the purple door. Why is King Sammer so STUPID? Will Forbidden Slap learn to stop breaking rules? Are cloudy days REALLY purple in Slovakia? Will the bond between Mi and Di break, and Lila be saved? Obviously, it's gonna happen, so why did I just say that? Will Mr. L- Oh wait, he's dead. Will Dyllis know of their existence? Will Merlon ever figure out his ceiling can't actually talk? Will Grams steal Jaydes's cupcake? Will Luigi find out he's Mr. L? What happened to those ruby slippers?
Larson (with a mustache): ...And you can have both pairs for the low, low price of 5,000 coins!
Merlon: DEAL!
Now THAT'S a salesman. Check your local newstands for Chapter 7 of Stupid Paper Mario!