INTERLUDE:
Mario returns to Flipside.
Random psycho from earlier: Hay!
Mario: Uh, hey.
Psycho: No, I mean what horses eat. YOU PHAIL!
He pushes Mario off the edge, and he lands on Peach.
Skeet: You n00b! You killed her!
Mario: O RLY?
Skeet: YA RLY!
Peach: Actually, I’m still alive… Is there a doctor in the house?
Tippi: Aren’t you a doctor sometimes?
Mario: … I am!
One quick procedure later…
Merlon: Hi, people! Give me that Pure Heart.
Merlon takes it and throws it far. But it somehow lands in the Heart Pillar.
Mario: How’d you know to do that?
Merlon: What? Oh, I just wanted to throw. Anyway, the orange door is there, so go. You too, Peach.
Peach: I don’t wanna! And how’d you know my name?
Merlon: IDON’TSTALKYOU! I mean, because you’re the second hero. Now go. Oh, and since your mailbox grew legs and ran away, Mario, I got your food in the mail. But since I hate you, I ate it and told them that you’d pay for it.
Mario: … DIE!
Mario pushes Merlon all the way down to the first floor, breaking his neck.
Peach: Mario!
Mario: Have you ever gone on an adventure with me? Trust me, you’ll be obligated to do stuff like that over time. Now to teh orange door!
Tippi: How come
I only got one line?
Chapter 2:
2-1: The Swamp
Or, This place
is oddly pleasant for a swamp
Mario and Co. arrive through an orange door. They find a bomb-shaped Pixl.
Boomer: I managed to escape the swamp monster, but I can’t go much farther!
Mario: Judging by your name and shape, I’m guessing you blow things up.
Boomer: No. I can burp the Emancipation Proclamation, though.
Tippi: And when will that be used in the game?
Peach: Yeah, you’re going to have to leave now.
Boomer: I hate you all!
They continue and soon reach four doors on platforms.
Peach: Which one should we enter?
Mario: I have a strong urge to pick the one on the far left.
Tippi: Well when that door has a sign that says “Go through me!” on it, I’d pick it too.
Mario: …
They enter the door and find… Where’s the switch?
Spiky Goomba: Welcome to my house! If you want to pass, you’ll have to beat my test.
Peach: Which is?
Spiky Goomba: You must burp the Emancipation Proclamation!
Mario: I have a better idea!
SG: What?
Mario rips the spike off the hat and attacks the Goomba with it.
Tippi: Now how are we supposed to move on?
Peach: Why not like this?
Peach inserts her parasol into a hole in the wall and uses it like a key. The wall opens, and it takes them to the part with Merlee’s Mansion in the background.
Tippi: It was supposed to work differently…
Mario: Who cares?
Mario is about to hit the Star Block, but-
Peach: I want to!
Mario: But jumping is my claim to fame!
Peach: You have enough fame!
They get in a
cartoon cloud fight, and Tippi gets bored, so she hits the block, bringing
about the combined wrath of Mario and Peach.
2-2: The Mansion
Or, IS THAT CRAZY
MAID TRYING TO KILL ME, OR WHAT?!
Mario, Peach, and Tippi enter the mansion and finds Gnips.
Peach: What are those things?
Tippi: You have to point the Wii-Mote at one.
Peach does.
Tippi: That’s a Gnip. They’re Merlee’s pets, and will throw you out of the mansion if they get you. But apparently it’s to protect us from someone in the mansion. They seem to be asleep, but we should find a safe way across unless they’re faking, or light sleepers.
Peach: First, how do you know what they throw us out for? And second, why don’t I have things like that against Bowser?
Mario flips, and runs past the Gnips and enters the next room. Tippi follows.
Peach: Hello?! What about me?
Meanwhile in the next room, Mario and Tippi meet a green person.
Green Person: HULK SMASH!
Tippi: Oh my…
Maid: Oh, he’s just visiting. I’m Mimi, Merlee’s maid. But you can call me Mimikins. You can also call me M-Dawg, M. Woman, The Amazing Transforming M, or That Maid Who Has So Many Other Names.
Mario: Okay, That Maid Who Has So Many Other Names. Where’s Merlee?
That Maid Who Has So Many Other Names: She should be in the in the top room on the far right. But don’t go into any other rooms, or else!
Tippi: Or else what?
The Amazing Transforming M: Because that’s where I keep the key to Fado’s house from LOZ: Twilight Princess! In one of those rooms, I forgot.
Mario: And why can’t we have that?
M. Woman: Because!
Tippi: Is this just an excuse to write all your names as you talk?
M-Dawg: Yes. Now go!
Mario enters the door, and finds the key out in the open. He then returns to the last room.
Mimikins: Oh noes! That was supposed to be out of reach! I’ll kill those minions!
Mario: What?
Mimi: Uh, nothing.
Mario goes and unlocks the door, accidentally releasing Gnaw. But Mario isn’t scared, cuz he’s asleep.
Mimi: NO! YOU FOOL!
Gnaw: Hey! Demented, dopey maid! I was in the middle of my best dream ever, and you ruined it! Die!
Gnaw chases Mimi away, but she runs into a wall, as does Gnaw. They are both out cold. Peach then comes in.
Tippi: Peach! How’d you get past the Gnips?
Peach: Well you know how they were all asleep when we came in?
Mario and Tippi: Yes…
Peach: I found out that they weren’t asleep, but dead. So I just walked by.
They enter the
unlocked room and hit the Star Block.
2-3: The Debt
Or, Break one
vase, pay for it the rest of your game
The trio enter the next room to find a vase sitting on top of a ? Block. Mario’s about to hit it, when Peach stops him.
Peach: Mario, stop. There’s a vase there, so don’t hit the block. You might break it.
Mario: Relax, I’ve been hitting these things for years! I think I know how to hit it carefully.
Tippi: Yeah, I’m gonna have to go with Mario on this one.
Mario hits it, getting one coin, and breaking the vase.
Mimi: YOU FOOLS! THAT WAS MY MOST FAVORITEST VASE!
Peach: “Most favoritest”? What are you, two years old?
Mario: How’d you come from the next room? You just ran into the wall in the last room, literally 15 seconds ago.
Mimi: Silence, nonbeliever! You now owe me one million rubees!
Mario: Okay, here.
He shows her his wallet full of rubees.
Mimi: … You actually have that money?
Mario: Yes.
Mimi: … Did I say one million? I meant two million! I owe Link money.
Peach: Then wouldn’t you need rupees, not rubees?
Mimi: … Look! A distraction!
Mimi runs off, even though Mario, Peach, and Tippi were smart enough not to look away.
Peach: I’m rich, so I think I might have that money!
Mimi (from the next room): THREE MILLION!
Tippi: … This is going nowhere. We should probably just make one million.
Peach: Was that one coin worth it?
Mario: Yes. And Tippi’s right. But first…
In the next room…
Mimi: Hi! Welcome to Mimi’s Rubee Bank Who’s Name Escapes Me At The Moment… No seriously, that’s the name. What do you want?
Mario: I’d like to deposit 2,000,000 rubees.
Mimi: Fine…
Peach hits the save block, and the trio finds a Pixl back in the hallway.
Slim: I (like Thoreau and Boomer before me) find a way out! I can help you get to the vault where there are one million rubees! But first I need to count to ten. 1, 3, 34837, One Marzillion, Pi (mmm…), 64, 128, 3, button, TEN!
Peach: Somewhere in one of the aftergames, your math teacher weeps.
Slim: Just for that, I’m not helping. SUICIDAL ATTACK!
Slim blows up, but Peach hides behind her parasol. Mario and Tippi aren’t so lucky, though.
Both: Ouch…
Peach: … Oops.
Slave: Remember this number! 41262816! It’s either the rubee vault combination, or the phone number of Mimi’s current boyfriend.
Mario: That gives me an idea!
Mario puts on a rubber suit, and flips. He goes up and walks past the electric walls. But apparently that’s not the combination. So he pulls out a cell phone and dials the number.
Old Woman: Hello?
Mario: … You’re M-Dawg’s boyfriend?
Old Woman: STOP CALLING ME! *hangs up*
Mario: Well… Now I’m going to kill that slave.
Mario heads down to the room, and strangles the slave.
Mario: GIVE, ME, THE, COMBINATION!
Peach: Mario, that’s now how you do it. Ahem. GIVE US THE COMBINATION OR ELSE I’LL THROW YOU IN THE DUNGEON WHEN I GET BACK HOME!
Slave: Fine! Mimi’s dumb, so she’d make it something easy to remember: 00000000.
Mario: …
Mario goes to try it, and it works!
Mario: Happies! My debt is no more!
And so…
Mimi: Hi! Welcome to Mimi’s Rubee Bank Whose Name Escapes Me At The Moment. What is it?
Mario: I’d like to deposit one million rubees.
Mimi: Oh… AAAAHHHH!!! THE DEBT IS PAID OFF! NOW MY CURSE IS NO MORE!
Tippi: What curse?
Mimi: THE ONE KEEPING LINK FROM BECOMING A HUMAN AGAIN!
She explodes, releasing the Star Block.
Peach: That’d be odd, but P.T. makes lots of things blow up in his stories.
The Hulk then comes back and bends the bars wide enough for Mario and Co. to get through to where the Star Block has appeared.
Tippi: Thanks, Hulk!
Hulk: No problem. I mean, HULK SMASH!
Mario hits the
Star Block.
2-4: The Basement
Or, Could this
house get any bigger?
Mario and Co. are in the basement.
Peach: How’d we get here?
Tippi: Magic.
Merlee's Ghost: Save me! I am Merlee! M-E-R-L-E-E!
Mario: … You’re another rhymer, aren’t you?
Merlee: Yes I am! Now find me, and don’t eat the ham!
Peach: Why?
Merlee: Because it’s mine!
She disappears.
Mario: That didn’t rhyme with anything.
Tippi: That was only one line, so it was okay.
They continue and reach a decorated room with Merlee.
Merlee: Happies! Take the Pure Heart, if you please! It’s the least I can do… for you…
Tippi: Where is it?
Merlee: To get it, you must pay a debt. It should be 100,000,000 rubees, I bet. I’ll even throw in Breadward! A Pixl made of oats and lard.
Breadward (in the cage she’s holding: (whispering) She’s lying! Run away! And I’m not made of that stuff, I’m just shaped like bread.
Merlee: Shut up!
Merlee's Ghost: Breadward is right! She’s not me, not even in the slight…est…
Merlee: Curses!
Merlee is revealed to be Mimi, and she turns into her spider form.
Mario, Peach, and Tippi: Ew.
Mimi: I’m invincible, so give up!
Mario pulls out a rope, and ties her legs up.
Mario: Good luck chasing us now.
The trio continue nonchalantly into the next room, and after getting so hopelessly lost that the law will require me not to tell you, due to some unfortunate incidents, they find the bathrooms. Peach and Tippi enter the girls’ room, but Mario stays behind.
Peach: Mario, aren’t you coming?
Mario: That’s the girls’ room! I’m not allowed.
Tippi takes the sign off the boys’ room door, and puts it on the girls’ room door with the other sign.
Mario: Never mind.
Mario enters. They open some stalls, and soon find Merlee in one of the stalls.
Tippi: OH MY DAD! WHAT HAVE THESE PEOPLE BEEN EATING?! FLUSH IT! FLUSH IT!
Mario: The flusher’s stuck.
Merlee: No!
Peach: Wait, that’s Merlee!
Mimi then comes in.
Tippi: No! … How’d you untie yourself?
Mimi: I transformed into a ghost and phased out of the rope. Now die!
Mimi turns into Merlee. They then bump into each other a few times.
Merlees: You know who’s real! Don’t pick this heel!
Peach: The real Merlee has a fly flying around her.
Other Merlee: Curses!
She turns into Mimi.
Mimi: Now it’s time to kill you!
BOSS: MALEVOLENT, MORPHING MAID: MIMI
She transforms into her spider form, and Merlee runs away, locking the door.
Mario: Coward!
Mimi: Die!
Mario flips into 3D to find…
Mario: Gears?
Peach: What is she, a robot?
Mario gets a crowbar and pries open Mimi’s face. He finds a green hamster running on a wheel inside her head.
Hamster (Mimi): If I don’t run, I don’t kill. If I don’t kill, I don’t live. Gotta keep running!
Mario: (T_T) Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
Tippi: That must be the real, real Mimi.
Mario: (throwing Mimi out the window) Go back home to the forest!
Mimi: (flying through the air) But I need to go to Castle Bleck! Looks like Team Mimi’s blasting off again!
Peach: … That was odd.
Merlee comes in.
Merlee: Looks like my work here is done!
Peach: But you didn’t do anything… at all.
Merlee: I think I can convert this robot body into a spider walker chair thing. Now scat!
Peach: But what about the Pure Heart? And why aren’t you rhyming?
Merlee: Here. And who cares? Now go! Before I call the cops!
And so, Mario, Peach, and Tippi leave the mansion and head back to Flipside.
END OF CHAPTER(S)!
Meanwhile…
Nastasia: Umm, Count?
Bleck: What?
Nastasia: K, I got the memo from Mimi. Yeah, here.
Memo: I got beaten up bad, dawg!
Bleck: Hmm… Count Bleck didn’t know Mimi could make memos that can talk.
Memo: You’d be surprised.
Bleck: Hmm? There appears to be writing on the back.
Shopping List:
Shoes
Makeup
A million more
dresses
Nastasia: It appears to be her shopping list.
O’ Chunks: Ey! Count! Cen ah go teh the Bitlands and chunk up teh ‘eroes thet bet up Mimi, oy?
Bleck: … Is it Count Bleck, or is O’ Chunks getting harder to understand?
Nastasia: Riiiight. I don’t know, K?
Bleck: Anyway, no. O’ Chunks cannot go to the Bitlands! Dimentio will go, so he can also shed some light on his secret plan that Count Bleck should not know about!
Dimentio: Okay. I’ll be off like a nerd running towards a sci-fi convention!
Dimentio disappears.
Nastasia: K, I’ve got to go convert Z Block.
Count Bleck: What is this Z Block Nastasia is talking about?
Nastasia: Yeah, I’ve divided all the people from the wedding except for us into 26 groups. I’ve converted A-Y Blocks, except one person from Y Block escaped, as did all of V Block, K? I’m going to go convert the last of them, now.
Count Bleck: Ah.
Meanwhile, Luigi wakes up in a room.
Luigi: That was a weird wedding. But why am I here? I remember jumping in slow motion and getting a book thrown at me, but after that, nothing.
Two Goombas walk up to him.
Gary: Hey! Loser! Us three and this other guy who’s not here are the last people from the wedding who aren’t on Bleck’s side! We’ve gotta go!
Luigi: Okay.
They continue, and soon find a door.
Luigi: Hmm… Where could this door lead?
Gary: Shut up, and just open it!
Other Goomba: Why don’t I have a name?
Gary: Because your parents were dumb.
They enter the door and reach a dead end. Nastasia and some other minions appear.
Nastasia: K, that’s as far as you go.
Birdo: My line!
She explodes.
Nastasia: … Riiiiiight. Anyway, you’re going to join us, K?
Luigi: No!
Nastasia hypnotizes Gary and the other Goomba.
Nastasia: Yeah, now hold him down, K?
Minions: K.
They hold Luigi down, while Nastasia hypnotizes him. Just then, P.T. appears.
P.T.: Hi, Luigi!
Luigi: Who is this Luigi you speak of?
P.T.: … Hey! Block-headed lady! Do you know where the exit is?
Nastasia: (He must be the last person.) You’re not leaving. Now join Count Bleck’s side or you’ll be forced to, K?
P.T.: Are there donuts?
Nastasia: … Yes.
P.T.: I’m in!
This can’t be good! Anyway, Why does the psycho like to push people off Flipside Tower? What is up with Merlon? Will he survive? Why does Mario reject every Pixl? What happened to Gnaw? How did Mimi recover and move around so fast? Will Slim ever learn basic math? What will the Hulk do now? Why does Merlee rhyme? Will Mimi make a comeback? What is Dimentio’s secret? What will happen to Luigi? Why did I add myself as a character to the evil group? Tune in!
Shy Guy: This isn’t a TV show.
… Shut up.
INTERLUDE:
Mario, Peach, and Tippi return from Gloam Valley. Peach pushes the psycho off the tower while he’s still asleep, and they go to the second floor.
Merlon: Hello!
Mario: How’d you survive?
Merlon: Magic. Now quickly go find the Heart Pillar!
Flipper (what I call the residents of Flipside/Flopside): Hi! Look what I found!
Merlon: You’re bringing the next Heart Pillar with you wherever you go in a rickshaw?
Flipper: Yep!
Peach puts the Pure Heart in, and a yellow door appears.
Merlon: Now go to the next world!
Mario: But we’ve barely had a chance to explore Flipside!
A quick tour of Flipside later…
Tippi: Out of the way!
Mario: Okay, let’s go before Howzitt and Saffron’s robot finds us!
The trio then
go to the yellow door and enter the Bitlands.
CHAPTER 3:
3-1: The Kidnapping
Or, Tippi got
taken away today
Mario and Co. arrive in the Bitlands.
Tippi: I have a feeling this will be the best day ever!
Then, Francis takes her.
Mario and Peach: Ha ha!
Francis: Schweet! This is so Hi-Technicaaaaal!
Peach: What does this have to do with technology?
Francis: I don’t know. Now to go watch The Grodus Chronicles!
Tippi: Hey! This ain’t cool! You’re gettin’ all up in my grill, y’all!
Peach: … I just died a little inside.
Francis leaves, and a Pixl comes out of the bush.
Barry: Hi! To get Francis back, you have to bomb a red X when you see one, attack a giant Blooper’s red suction cupped tentacle, and ride the red wind on top of the Dotwood tree near his fort.
Mario: Why do all the clues have to do with the color red?
Barry: I don’t know. Anyway, come back to see me after you save Tippi, to have me join and let you have a barrier for one second!
Mario: Sounds good to me! But you’re coming now.
Barry: Aw!
Barry joined the party! The first Pixl to do so yet!
Peach: Wow, we actually got a Pixl!
They continue, and find two red pipes with a gap.
Mario: Hey! I see a cave down there!
At that point, a Mega Koopa is seen charging towards the group.
Peach: Oh noes!
Mario: Barry! Attack!
Barry: Wha-
Mario presses 1, and the barrier knocks the Koopa into his shell and on his back. Mario kicks the shell away.
Peach: Wasn’t he supposed to come later in the level?
Mario: Who cares?
Mario and Co. jump down between the pipes… and land hard.
Group: Ow…
Gloombas: Die! All hail Snack! We mean Black! We mean Bleck!
Mario throws Barry at them, and they continue through the caves, and appear next to a fort.
Koopa Striker: It’s Mario! And the queen! Attack!
The striker starts kicking shells while the Koopas charge for Mario. But the Mega Koopa’s shell then slides into the area. Mario’s group get out of the way, and the shell wrecks the whole place. Bowser is seen lying in the middle of the rubble.
Bowser: Ow…
Peach: Bowser!
Bowser: Peach!
Mario: Bowser?
Bowser: Mario!
Barry: Bowser?
Bowser: Barry?
Mario: Barry? Bowser?
…
Bowser: … That’s usually the part where someone else says their name…
Peach: Like who? We’re the only ones left conscious.
Bowser: Oh.
Mario: Anyway, you and Barry know each other?
Barry: Yep! We’re best friends! I’ll even tell you about the time we first met!
Flashback!
Bowser and Barry pass each other in the streets. They are both wearing nametags for no reason.
Bowser: Hi Barry.
Barry: Hi Bowser.
And they continue with their days.
Flashback over!
Barry: We haven’t been in contact since!
Bowser: Yeah! But now we can be together again!
Mario and Peach: …
Barry: What?
Bowser: Now we can finally have our honeymoon!
Peach: But that wedding didn’t count! It was just for a plan!
Bowser: But Bleck is a licensed pastor!
Soon…
Judge: I hereby pronounce you, divorced!
Peach: Happies!
Bowser: NOOOOOO!!!
Meanwhile…
Bleck: Count Bleck senses a disturbance in the Dark Prognosticus. Peach and Bowser got a divorce, so the Chaos Heart would normally die… But fortunately Count Bleck has Chaos Heart Insurance! Happies!
Back in the Bitlands…
Bowser: Now that we’re all back here, die, Mario!
Mario: Other than the fact that I’m your enemy, what did I do?
Bowser: You kicked the shell that caused my fort to be destroyed!
Mario: How’d you know?
Bowser: Ha! You just exposed yourself!
Mario: … Good trick. Look! It’s Mario!
Bowser: Where?! I’ll kill him!
While Bowser looks away, Mario grabs him by his tail and swings him into a (somehow still standing) tower.
Bowser: Ow…
Peach: Since getting a divorce didn’t stop the void, it’s still our fault it’s here! So come on, Bowser! You have to join the party!
Bowser: Well I’ll do it to be with my buddy and my ex-wife, but not to be with Mario! So don’t get cuddly with me, Mario! … In retrospect, that last part just sounded wrong. Now let’s go get those Precious Hearts!
Peach: Pure Hearts.
Bowser: Whatever. And how do I know about them?
Barry: … Magic?
Meanwhile, the Mega Shell hits the Star Block, thus ending the chapter.
3-2: The Tile
Pool
Or, Is this quest
Girth it?
After commenting on the lame pun in Title B, the quartet find the Tile Pool. They jump in, but just before diving…
Bowser: Oops…
Mario: Bowser, did you just let ‘er rip in the water?
Bowser: No! … Yes…
Mario, Peach, and Barry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
After getting out of the pool, sanitizing it, and scolding Bowser, they jump in again.
Bowser: Aahhh! Cramp!
Peach: From what? What did you eat?
Bowser: Barry gave me a sandwich.
Peach: …
After waiting for Bowser to get over it, Mario and Co. continue.
Thudley: Hi! I’m going to join you if you have enough girth points!
Mario: Girth points?
Thudley: How big you are in my eyes. Now let’s see…
Girth-Chart:
Mario:
Clothes: 25
Face: 15
Overall: 35/100
Mario: After all that criticism from the LL tourists about my weight, I only get a 35 out of 100?!
Thudley: You fail! Let’s see the girl…
Peach:
Clothes: 10
Face: 5 (Plus
10 with the crown)
Overall: 25/100
Peach: Well, I guess I really am the thinnest! Yay!
Thudley: You fail! Let’s see the big guy…
Bowser:
Clothes: 50
Face: 30
Overall: 70/100
Bowser: I FAILED?!
Thudley: You fail! Let’s see the Pixl…
Barry:
Clothes: 1
Face: 2
Overall: 3/100
Thudley: You seriously fail! Now to see the overall, overall score.
Overall, Overall Score: 133/100
Thudley: Woah! You have girth points to spare!
Mario, Peach, Bowser, and Barry: …
Thudley: Take me with you!
Mario: What do you let us do?
Thudley: Ground pound.
Bowser: We’ve been doing it for years! I think we can manage!
Thudley: …
The group continue, and realize something.
Bowser: How are we breathing?
Mario: … I don’t know.
Peach: Yeah…
Barry: Very good point.
Then, the Blooper comes and scares the Bittacudas so much their bodies run off without their faces. Their faces then follow.
Mario: Ew.
Blooper: Die!
Bowser breathes fire on the red tentacle.
Blooper: OH NOES!
The Blooper explodes.
Barry: How’d you know to do that?
Bowser: What? Oh, I just wanted to see what would happen.
They continue,
and reach the forest. The Star Block is then hit.
3-3: The Dotwood
Tree
Or, Dimentio’s
secret is revealed. I think.
The fellowship soon finds a giant tree.
Peach: Wow… That’s a big tree.
Barry: So the red wind that’ll take you to Fort Francis should be at the top.
Bowser: Better start climbing.
Bowser claws into the tree and starts trying to climb… and keeps sliding back down.
Mario: We’re gonna have to do this the hard way, aren’t we?
Peach: Most likely. Wait! I have an idea!
The whole group
is stacked up on each other like this:
Barry
Peach
Mario
Bowser
Mario: (sarcastically) Well THAT worked!
Peach: … Shut up.
Bowser: I have an idea!
They are in the same stack. Only Bowser is on top. His weight squishes Mario, Peach, and Barry. But when his butt makes contact with Barry, he is poked by Barry's spike.
Bowser: YEOUCH!!!
Bowser rockets all the way to the top of the tree in pain.
Dimentio: Well, if it isn’t Bowser. I will defeat you like a dog does a cat!
Bowser: Which kind of cat? Because say if it was a lion-
Dimentio: Silence! We will now fight in Dimension D, where both our attack powers will be raised to 256, so it’ll feel the same, since it’s both of us getting the upgra-
Bowser breathes fire on Dimentio, defeating him.
Dimentio: Owies! I’ll leave now.
Dimentio teleports and is talking to himself.
Dimentio: Hmm… They’re smart, but not enough to defeat Count Bleck… Well maybe they are. Oh well.
Bit Bird: I heard that!
Dimentio: Oh noes! Someone else knows about my plan!
Dimentio dials his cell phone.
Doopliss (on the other end): Hello?
Dimentio: I need you to catch a bird for me. He knows my secret!
Doopliss: I don’t know. I mean when it’s for me, it makes sense. But for you-
Dimentio: Just do it! Bye!
He hangs up and leaves.
Bowser: Oh noes! I’m so high! I’m scared!
Meanwhile, two 8-bit lumberjacks come and chop the tree down, thus the gorge is able to be passed. Bowser falls to the other side. Mario, Peach, and Barry cross.
Barry: But I wanted to ride the red wind!
Peach: Why is it red, anyway?
They look up to see a bit Fwoosh pouring ketchup on his exhalations periodically.
All: …
Mario: How come I’m not getting any lines?
Barry: Who cares?
They all go over
to the Star Block, and Mario hits it.
3-4: The Rescue
Or, This will
be a hi-technicaaaaaaaaaaaal rescue!
Mario and Co. arrive at Fort Francis.
Barry: Here we are!
Bowser: What does it have that my place doesn’t?
Mario: It didn’t get destroyed by a mega shell.
Bowser: …
Suddenly, two French (and male) meow-robot things appear and look over the edge. I can’t do French accents perfectly (though I may have some talent) so you’ll have to imagine them. But I’ll try my best.
French Meowbot 1: Ho, ho, ho! Lookie here, John Claude! We have, how you say, intruders!
John Claude: Sacre’ bleu! Intruders? Ze boss will not be pleased, Phillip (phil-eep).
Phillip: Take zis! You intruders!
A cow is thrown at the crew. But Barry protects them.
Both: Sacre’ bleu!
They explode.
Mario: … That was odd.
They try to enter the fort, but…
Peach: We need a key!
They go down the pipe, but there’s no switch. However, Mario and Peach realize that Bowser didn’t follow them down. They go back up to find him and Barry at the door.
Bowser: I found the key! It was under the welcome mat!
Mario and Peach: …
They unlock the door, and find Carrie.
Carrie: Are we on the same page?
Mario: We’re on Page 35.
Carrie: NOOO!!!!
He explodes.
Barry: That was dumb.
At that point, the mega shell bursts through the wall and squashes everyone in the room, and somehow manages to terrorize the fort. In fact, the only thing left intact is the room Francis and Tippi are in, as well as the kitty door and the walls around the room.
Peach: Obviously.
Meowmaid: Here! Take these keys!
Mario: Uh, thanks.
Mario unlocks the kitty doors. Mario tries to enter, but he can’t.
Kitty Door: Only Francis, Meowbots, other geniuses, and super hot babes are allowed!
Bowser: Get in, Peach!
Peach: Well I am beautiful.
Peach enters the room and finds Francis taking pictures of Tippi in a cage.
Francis: Schweet! A hot babe in my room!
Tippi: Save me!
Peach: Don’t tell me what to do! Now, hand Tippi over.
Francis: This is so not hi-technicaaaaaaaaaaal! I can’t talk to girls, nerr! Why haven’t I said nerr enough lately?
DATING SIM!
Peach’s resistance
against Francis: 100/100
Vs.
Francis’s crush:
100/100
Francis uses Poster.
Francis: Here!
Take this poster!
Peach: No!
It backfired!
10 damage to Francis’s crush!
Francis: (I love
it when they play hard to get!)
Francis’s crush
regained 5 hP.
Peach: 100/100
Vs.
Francis: 95/100
Francis uses Compliment.
Francis: You’re
pretty!
Peach: Shut up.
Bowser: Ha ha!
Francis: How’d
you get in here?
Bowser: Magic.
It backfired!
15 damage!
Peach: 100/100
Vs.
Francis: 80/100
Francis uses Compliment.
Francis: You
look like you jumped out of a fairytale book! That’s so hot!
Peach: … I do?
Well…
10 damage!
Peach: 90/100
Vs.
Francis: 80/100
Francis: (I guess
I can go ahead and pull out the big guns.)
Francis uses
Proposal.
Francis: Will
you marry me?!
Peach: ARE YOU
KIDDING ME?!
Francis: NOOOOOOOOO!!!
(She rejected my offer! That was my best one! I’m doomed!!)
Peach: 90/100
Vs.
Francis: 0/100
Peach wins!
DATING SIM OVER!
Francis: I can’t believe it! Why won’t you have me?
Peach: First, I don’t like you. Second, we just met. Third, you took Tippi…
Hours later, Peach is still talking, while Francis, Mario, Bowser, and Barry are all playing Mario Party 8, and Tippi is watching.
Peach: Reason 528, your breath stinks. Reason 529, you’re a nerd. Reason- Hey, are you listening?
Tippi: Shh! Barry’s about to win!
Bowser: You had so many reasons, we all decided to play Mario Party 8 while you were ranting. And I’m about to beat Barry!
Barry: No you’re not! I just got another Star!
Bowser: Curses!
Mario: Well at least I’m not in last place.
Francis: Shut up.
Peach: … We’ll just take Tippi now.
Francis: NOO!!!
Barry: I won!
Bowser: Curses!
Bowser breathes fire on the Wii.
Bowser: Now we fight!
BOSS: CREEPY, COLLECTING CHAMELEON: FRANCIS
Francis sticks out his tongue, but Mario grabs it and throws him (like he did to Bowser in SM64) into what’s left of a wall.
Francis: Nerr, I didn’t think anyone could dodge my attack like that! This is so not hi-technicaaaa-
Bowser throws Barry at Francis while he’s talking.
Francis: Not schweet!
Francis takes a picture with a bright flash, and is apparently invisible afterwards.
Barry: Now how will we see him?
Peach turns and punches the air, and managed to hit Francis’s stomach. This causes him to return to normal.
Peach: I could recognize that bad breath anywhere.
Francis: MEOWBOMBS! ATTACK!
Meowbombs: No!
Francis: Curses!
Barry: Listen, we’re beating you bad. How about you just let us have Tippi and we’ll leave?
Francis: No!
He gets run over by the mega shell.
Francis: Okay…
He faints. Mario opens the cage.
Tippi: Aw, it was cozy in there! Oh, I also found this in there.
Peach: The Green Pure Heart!
Bowser: Fork it over!
Tippi throws it to Bowser, but it hits him in the face, knocking him out. And he lands on Francis.
Gourmet Guy: It’s nice to know that’s not me for once!
The mega shell runs over him. Also, Mario grabs the Pure Heart.
END OF CHAPTER(S)!
Meanwhile…
Dimentio: …And that’s how I got whupped like Bowser by Mario!
Mimi: Ooh, ooh! Tell me the story of how I was born!
Dimentio: I wasn’t there, but I’m guessing that after your parents admitted their love for each other, they got married and-
Bleck: Enough! Count Bleck’s group must do better if they wish to stop the heroes!
O’ Chunks: Why don’t eh get any lines?
Bleck: Because! Nastasia! Nastasia should send them to the next world to stop Mario and Co.
Nastasia: You mean the new guys?
Bleck: Yes! Now send them!
Chinese Guy: You no hungry for new guys! You hungry for Hot Pockets!
Bleck: … That is true, but Count Bleck has not the time for this. Endeth teh chapter!
Okay! Why do Howzitt and Saffron have a robot? Why was Tippi speaking like a rapper? Is taking Tippi away hi-technicaaaal? Why do all Barry’s clues have to do with the color red? Why did the Mega Koopa appear when he shouldn’t have? Will the mega shell return? Will Bowser learn to go before entering the pool, as well as not to eat before swimming? Why is Thudley obsessed with girth? Will Doopliss catch the bit bird? What will become of the French Meowbots? Will Bowser, Mario, and Francis ever beat Barry at Mario Party 8? Will Francis ever come back? And who are the new guys? Tune in!