(Not So) Super Paper Mario

By P.T. Piranha

Litle Lemmy's Land Qualifier

July 21, 2007

Prologue: The Wedding
Or Koopas, Counts, and Voids! Oh my!

Mario and Luigi are in their house.

Luigi: I’m bored. Want to go visit Peach’s Castle?

Mario: *nods head*

They head outside, and see Toad freaking out.

Luigi: Toad! What’s wrong?

Toad: I forgot to switch to Geico! Plus, my Mom kicked me out and told me to “get my own house”, and gas prices are going up! … Oh, and Peach has been taken again.

Luigi: Who could’ve done this?

Toad: Who do you think, moron?

Luigi: I know! That bad guy, Bowser! We’ll have to go follow him! Let’s go, Mario!

Mario: Wait, how come you’re suddenly in charge?!

Luigi: Because I’m not the silent character. Now be silent!

Mario: No.

Luigi: Okay.

They head off to Bowser’s. There, Bowser is giving a speech to his minions.

Bowser: …And that’s where babies are from!

Minions: 0_0

Bowser: Yes, you in the back!

Goomba: Then what was the stork in the Yoshi’s Island series for?

Bowser: Go ask someone else. Yes, you with the green arm!

Luigi: Where’s the princess?

Bowser: You idiot, we haven’t invaded the Mushroom Kingdom yet! We still have to go there, first! … Wait a minute… I just realized something… I FORGOT TO SWITCH TO GEICO! AAHHH!!! … Wait, that’s not it… MARIO and LUIGI ARE HERE! AAHHH!!!

Kamek: (Moron.)

Bowser walks up to the Bros.

Bowser: What do you want? And have you seen Kammy anywhere?

Luigi: Don’t play dumb with us, and no.

Mario: Where are you keeping the princess?

Bowser: Well, when she gets here I’m thinking the newly refurbished dungeon if not the- WAIT, I STILL HAVE YET TO KIDNAP HER! Outta my way!

Peach appears in an odd box. And Count Bleck appears.

Bowser: What’s a count?

I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Peach: Mario! Luigi! Help me! … Again.

Count Bleck: Bleh, heh, heh, heh, heh. Bleck! Count Bleck would like Bowser to come with him, said Count Bleck.

Bowser: We already have a narrator, so stop narrating.

Bleck: Sorry. Now… TO TEH WEDDINGZORZ!

Bleck teleports everyone except Mario to a wedding room. There, Peach wakes up to find that she and Bowser are apparently getting married!

Peach: … Oh crud.

Bowser: Peach! Come on! This is our wedding! Cheer up!

Bleck: Yes, do be more like Bowser over there. Anyway, Bowser? Do you take Peach-

Bowser: YES!

Bleck: … That was easier than Count Bleck thought. Peach, do-

Peach: No!

Peach is hypnotized.

Nastasia: We’re real busy, and I’m already behind on my agenda of sounding like Bill Lumbergh, so say “I do”, K?

Peach: I do, K?

Nastasia: Riiiiiiiiiight… You weren’t supposed to add the K and say it like a question, so try again, K?

Peach: Riiiiiiiiiight… You weren’t supposed to add the K and say it like a question, so try again, K?

Bleck: … Count Bleck will just take that as a yes. Count Bleck now pronounces you, Koopa and wife!

Bowser: Finally!

Luigi wakes up, surrounded by Bowser’s minions.

Minions: *random conversations and cheers*

Luigi: What’s going on?

Suddenly, the Chaos Heart comes out of the thing in the middle.

Bleck: Bleh, heh… Insert Count Bleck’s signature laugh here!

P.T.: Wow, if this is the wedding, I can’t wait to see the reception!

Luigi: How’d you get here? You weren’t at the castle…

P.T.: Oh, I was invited, and I took a warp pipe.

Luigi: Now to prove that I can save Peach without Mario!

Luigi jumps towards the altar to try to stop them.

Luigi: (in slow motion) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Nastasia: (normally) Um, he’s taking too long in getting over here, so we’ll just finish this thing up, K?

Bleck: Good call.

Nastasia throws a heavy book at Luigi, knocking him out.

Luigi: D’oh!

Bleck: Count Bleck requests a scene change!

Okay. Mario wakes up because of a voice. Even though I never wrote that he got knocked out… oops. Anyway, he’s still in Bowser’s Castle.

Butterfly thing named Tippi: Hi! Come with me, Mario!

Mario: No, I don’t think I will…

Tippi: Do it, or I’ll play the Bongos of Doom!

Mario: So where are we going?

Tippi: Flipside! It’s in another dimension!

Mario: What? No one mentioned an ascension to another dimension.

Tippi: Well, I don’t want to bring any tension to this lack of mention of an ascension to another dimension, for you might bring attention.

Mario: Oh, I’m putting an intervention to this ascension to another dimension that had no mention that can bring tension and attention-

Kamek: SHUT UP! Wait, I’m not supposed to be here. *explodes*

Mario and Tippi: …

Tippi teleports Mario to Flipside Tower.

Merlon: Hi, Merlon.

Merlon: Tippi, you were only gone for five minutes. There’s no need to say hi.

Tippi: Whatever. Is this the Chosen One you were talking about?

Merlon: Yes. Mario, take this Pure Heart and put it in the pillar on the third floor of Flipside!

He throws it at Mario.

Mario: Ow. I hate you already.

Merlon: Sorry.

Mario: To the third floor!

Mario jumps off the edge and lands on the Heart Pillar.

Merlon: He could’ve just taken the elevator…

Tippi: But that way is so much faster! Plus more exciting.

When she gets down, she sees that Mario already put it in.

Mario: What kind of pillar was that, anyway?! It was more like a rectangle!

They go back to the top and find a red door.

Merlon: Mario, that leads to Lineland. So that’s where the Orange Pure Heart is.

Mario: I’m guessing that these hearts are all the colors of the rainbow, except for the last one, which is probably white?

Merlon: Yep! In Lineland, you’ll find the Flip Wizard, Bestovius. He’s smelly. But he should provide you with the flipping ability. Anyway, go. And take this Return…

He sees that Mario and Tippi already entered the red door.

Merlon: … Pipe…

1-1: The Flip Wizard
Or, We’re off to see the (Flip) Wizard! The wonderful wizard of Lineland!

Meanwhile, in Count Bleck’s meeting room, Count Bleck, Nastasia, O’Chunks, and Dimentio are there.

Dimentio: (Hee, hee! No one knows my secret!)

Bleck: Dimentio! Stop foreshadowing!

Dimentio: I am sorry as much as how much fat is heavier than muscle!

O’ Chunks: Wouldn’t that be zero?

Dimentio: Hmm? … Oh… (Well I guess that’s still true…)

Bleck: Anyway, once Count Bleck destroys all the worlds, he and co. will make a new one. Now let’s see. Count Bleck will get the main portion, Mimi will get the resorts (due to threats), Nastasia will get the corporate offices, Dimentio will get the weird places, O’Chunks will get the countries that have funny names-

Another O’Chunks: Sorry eh’m let, Coun- AAH! ‘Ow did I beat me’self here? Oh, wet. It’s just Mimi.

The first O’Chunks turns into Bleck.

Mimi as Bleck: O’Chunks, you are late to Count Bleck’s meeting… again!

O’Chunks: It’s rude to emitate the Count!

Mimi as a slice of cake: Getting me to stop is no piece of cake!


Bleck covers his eyes, and throws two darts offscreen.

Dimentio and O’Chunks (offscreen): Ow!

He uncovers his eyes.

Bleck: So Dimentio and O’Chunks will go.

They leave. Meanwhile, Mario and Tippi arrive in Lineland.

Tippi: Okay! The smelly guy should be as far right as we can go. So let’s go!

Mario meets up with a Goomba.

Goomba: LOVE ME!

Mario: …

Mario kicks the Goomba away, and finds a house. Inside, he’s at a dead end.

Tippi: Wait, there’s an invisible door. I’ll make it visible.

Mario: How?

Tippi: … I don’t know.

The door becomes visible. Mario opens it, and a horrible stench comes out. But the brave Mario goes in anyway.

Bestovius: What do you want?

Mario: Can you- (Oh DAD!) help me- (Hasn’t this guy ever heard of deodorant?!) flip?

Bestosvius raises his arms in anger, and Mario nearly chokes.


Mario: (I’m gonna hurl.) I mean into- *almost throws up* 3D.

Bestovius: Oh. FLIPPOW!

He punches Mario in the nose, and he falls back, unconscious. Mario wakes up a few hours later.

Mario: Ow! (THE STINK! IT BURNS!) Why did you do that?!

Bestovius: Because. Now you can flip into 3D!

Mario: Okay. Bye, stinky!

Bestovius: What?!

Mario is seen walking away from his house, and eventually the house burns down due to the stench. Bestovius is seen standing (floating in his cloud) in the middle of the rubble.

Bestovius: Hmm… Maybe it wouldn’t hurt me to take a bath at least once…

Mario enters the door, and is in a new area.

Tippi: Mario, we seem to be approaching Mt. Lineland! We’re getting closer!

Mario: Good for you.

Mario keeps going, and then hits a Star Block.

1-2: The 2 Bridges
Or, Red Guy, Green Guy

Mario and Tippi are seen in a mountain area.

Mario: How’d we get here?

Tippi: That’s not important. Keep going.

Mario continues, and soon runs into a canyon.

Tippi: Maybe we should go to that house in the background.

Mario: No, I think I can jump it.

Mario tries, and falls to his doom. However, he had a Life Shroom.

Tippi: Now?

Mario: No, maybe if I try a long jump like in SM64.

He tries, and fails.

Mario: Hmm… That seemed to work in Novette and Gwenbi’s parody of SPM.

Tippi: Now?

Mario: Fine.

In the house, they see that a 3D person who resembles Mario is freaking out.

Red: Help me!

Mario: How?

Red: Flip!

Mario: But-

Red: Into 3D!

Mario does that, and actually sees Red.

Red: Now flip back!

Mario does a backflip.

Red: …

Mario: Oh.

He flips back into 2D.

Red: Happies! Now I’ll make your bridge.

He does.

Red: Now, what’s better? Red or green?

Mario: Well, I’ve been identified with red a lot in the Mario and Luigi series, so I’ll pick green.

Red tries to kill Mario, but Mario thinks quickly and snaps his spear in half, then runs off to Yold Town.

Thoreau: Hi!

Tippi: Weren’t you supposed to be in a box?

Thoreau: Oh, I got out. Let me join you! I can let you grab and throw things!

Mario: Do I look like a moron to you? I can do that myself!


Thoreau explodes.

Watchitt: Watch it! The explosion nearly set my house on fire!

Mario: Can you let Green make the bridge, even though I shouldn’t know to ask you?

Watchitt: Do you have a hand-shaped Pixl?

Mario: He exploded.

Watchitt: You’re gonna have to watch it from now on. If you make things explode, you can’t move on! Good day.

Mario then goes to Green’s house, and pulls the lever for Green.

Green: You can’t do that! Now you must answer this. Which is better?

Mario: Well, I picked green last time, so I’ll pick red this time.

Green: Die!

Red comes in.

Red: Ha ha! He didn’t pick the choice you wanted!

Mario grabs Red and puts him in the way, so he gets stabbed. Mario runs across the bridge to hit the Star Block.

1-3: The Desert
Or, Yippee, ANOTHER desert!

Mario is in Yold Desert.

Mario: How’d we get here?

Tippi: If you paid attention to the text between this and 1-2, you’d know.

Mario comes up to a red tree.

Mario: Why are the leaves red? Do you know that?

Tippi: Some crazy guy dipped the leaves into a bucket of red paint.

Mario: What’s-

Tippi: Five to the 2,333,338th power.

Mario: You do know everything! Okay.

Tippi: And you should jump ten times under it.

He does, and a door appears.

Mario: How do you know this stuff?

Tippi: I don’t know.

Mario: …

They enter, and soon meet O’Chunks after proceeding regularly. And during O’Chunk's speech, imagine that out of nowhere, bagpipes start playing, quietly out of nowhere. And they get louder and more audible as it goes on, and they stop after he’s done.

O’Chunks: Eh! Now Eh’ve found ye! Eh’m gonna grab ye and throw ye across teh room. Though, technically, we’re not in eh room. More like en ohpen area of eh desert. Now you face teh wreth of O’ Chunks, and you’ll wish ye wee-li’le perints never met each other.

Mario: … Can you just tell me in English?

O’ Chunks: Basically, I’ll kill ye. Now die, Maria!

Mario: How’d you know my not name?

O’Chunks: Die!

O’Chunks charges at Mario, grabs him, and throws him around. He does a victory dance and raises his hands in the air.

Tippi: You almost smell as bad as that Flip Wizard, man!

Mario gets up, and grabs O’Chunks’s outreaching hands, and flips him over.

Mario: I took self-defense! So there!

O’Chunks tries to get up, but Mario attacks all his pressure points. Long version short, Mario wins hands down.

O’Chunks: Eh. What do ye say we call it eh tie?

Mario: But I clearly won!


O’Chunks jumps up, and farts himself into the air.

Mario and Tippi: …

They continue (with gas masks) and approach a temple. On the altar, Mario presses 1 and - on his Wiimote.

Tippi: How’d you already know to do that?

Mario: Magic.

Tippi: …

Mario then hits a Star Block.

1-4: The Ruins
Or, McYold’s

Mario is inside Yold Ruins, and finds out…

Mario: It’s a restaurant?!

Mario walks up to the cashier.

Mario: I demand to know where the Pure Heart is!

Cashier: You must order something first.

Mario: Okay, I’ll take the Yoldburger, some Lineland Fries, and a rootbeer. Now tell me!

Cashier: Out back.

Mario: Thanks. You can send me my food in the mail.

Mario continues and finds 4 red blocks. Mario hits them in order, from left to right, and it doesn’t work.

Tippi: Perhaps you should flip.

Mario: I don’t know why that’ll work, but fine.

Mario flips, and sees what order to hit them in.

Mario: Man, Tippi! I told you I had to flip! But you said it wouldn’t work! Gosh! *

Tippi: …

( * My brother always liked to say that kind of stuff to me...)

Mario hits them in the right order, and goes up the new stairs. He soon finds his way to an open desert. Then, a dragon comes out!

Dragon: WOO! PARTY!

Tippi: It must be Fracktail!

Dragon: No, my name is Frattail! Par-tay! Are you ready to party, butterfly?

Tippi: We don’t have time for this.

Frattail: Are you ready to party, Mario?

Mario: I’m ready to party, are you ready to party, Frattail?

Dimentio shows up.

Frattail: I’m ready to party! Are you ready to party, Dimentio?

Dimentio: I’m ready to party! Are you ready to party, Frattail?

Frattail: I’m ready to party!

Mario: I’m ready to party! Are you ready to party, Dimentio?

Dimentio: I’m ready to party! Are you-

Tippi: SHUT UP!

Dimentio: Killjoy. Now to corrupt Fracktail!

Frattail: Fracktail is at the dentist’s. I’m Frattail. I’m from Pi House!

Mario: Isn’t that just a pie franchise?

Frattail: … Oh.

Dimentio: Well, then I’ll do this.

He opens Frattail’s head, and rewires the circuits.

Mario: Weren’t you just supposed to hypnotize him?

Dimentio: … Maybe. Ciao!

Mario: Hey! I’m the Italian one here, bub!

Dimentio: Sorry.

Dimentio leaves.


Frattail: (in a new, robotic voice) AL-LOW ME TO PARTY… ON YOUR GRAVE.

Mario: … Quick! *points Wii-mote at Frattail* Tell me about him!

Tippi: He’s Frattail. This robot dragon seems to be related to Fracktail somehow, and likes to party. Max HP: ??. Dimentio hypnotized him, but he didn’t bother to do anything about that antenna, which seems to be the weak point. You should throw the Frattles on its back at the antenna.

Mario: Shouldn’t they be Frackles, not Frattles?

Tippi: Only on Fracktail.

Frattail approaches from the right, but Mario flips and jumps onto his back. In the air, Mario approaches the antenna. Mario tries to throw a Frattle, but Mario’s aim is always off.

Tippi: How on Plit did you ever manage to throw Bowser into the bombs in SM64 if you have such terrible aim?!

Mario: Maybe I’ll just do this.

He stacks up all the Frattles, climbs the stack, and jumps on the antenna until Frattail dies.


Frattail explodes. Mario lands on the ground after the explosion.

Mario: Ow! That hurt!

Tippi: You’re exaggerating.

Mario: I’m sorry, I forgot I could just use my pixl wings to fly down!

Tippi: You have pixl wings?

Mario flicks Tippi away, and enters the shrine.

Merlumina: You want the Orange Pure Heart?

Mario: Yes.

Merlumina: Too bad.

Mario: Why can’t I have it?

Merlumina: Because! This heart is the only one who’ll listen to me!

Mario: Huh? I wasn’t listening.

Merlumina: I wrote the Light Prog-

Mario: Don’t care.

Merlumina: Why you little! I’m going to haunt you in your sleep for this!

Mario: Did you say something?

Merlumina: Narrator! Tell him to listen!

What? I wasn’t paying attention.

Merlumina: … Fine! Take the stupid heart!

Mario: Pure Heart.

Merlumina: So now you listen?

Mario: What?

The spirit leaves, and Tippi returns.


Mario: … Who said that?

Voice: UH, NO ONE.

Mario: Okay.


Meanwhile, at Castle Bleck…

Nastasia: Hi, Count! O’Chunks failed!

Bleck: Why is Nastasia so happy today?

Dimentio: Count, can I have some money to go to the store? Someone stole my Happy Gas- YOU! YOU TOOK IT! DIE!

Bleck: … Count Bleck is surrounded by idiots. Nastasia will make O’Chunks pay for his failure.

Nastasia: Okay- Ow!

Bleck: Meanwhile, Count Bleck will send Mimi to Gloam Valley, since she lives there. Whenever she doesn’t live here, that is.

Nastasia: How- ow!- will O’- ow!- Chunks be- ow!- punished?

Meanwhile with Peach, she wakes up.

Private Koopa: Hi, Queen Koopa!

Peach: What?

Hammer Bro: You married Bowser, remember?

Peach: That doesn’t count! It was just for the sake of Count Bleck’s plan.

Private Koopa: Oh.

Hammer Bro: I’ll scout ahead, while you guys sneak out.

Private Koopa: No! I don’t wanna!

Hammer Bro: Yes!

PK: No!

Hammer Bro hammers PK through the wall, and into the room with Nastasia.

Nastasia: Umm, Dimentio’s happy gas wore off, K?

PK: L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z.

Nastasia: … Riiiight. *adjusts glasses*

Nothing happens.

Nastasia: K, that should’ve worked.

She then takes out a watch and dangles it until PK is hypnotized. Hammer Bro comes down.

Hammer Bro: Wait! Private Koopa forgot to give my money!

He gets hypnotized.

Peach: This place is just as weird as back home.

Peach is then teleported to the top of Flipside Tower.

Peach: Ah. What a pleasant setting.

Random psycho who somehow got there: COOKIES!

He pushes Peach off the edge. What happened to Luigi and Bowser? What was Dimentio’s secret? What is Mimi’s true form? Will Bestovius learn the meaning of deodorant? Will Thoreau return to life? What will Green do now that he killed Red? Will O’Chunks stop eating beans? Why is Yold Ruins suddenly McYold’s? Will Mario ever be reunited with his food? Will Frattail be revived? Will Fracktail return from the dentist? Will anyone listen to Merlumina? Will Dimentio ever get more Happy Gas? What does he use it for? Will Hammer Bro get his money? What will happen to Peach? And why am I asking questions like in my other FF, Paper Mario Brothers 2: Pinheads in Time? Tune in!

Producer: That was too long! For that, I’m docking your pay!


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