Recap
Last ti... Wait, I have to do a recap now, too?! Do I get paid overtime? WHAT?! I'M NOT GOING TO READ FROM THIS STUPID SCRIPT FOR THAT! ... Oh, sorry Author. No, no, don't cry. No, don't do that. All right, look, I'll do the recap if it'll make you happy, alright? Last time, Wario and Waluigi went to the Beanbean Kingdom in place of Mario and Luigi. They easily tricked Cackletta countless times, and eventually destroyed and robbed the entire kingdom with the help of Foreman Spike. Oh, and cookies beat the final boss. Now, our story begins, three long, restful hours later...
Prologue: Matramony and Cheese
The Wario Bros. walk into their newly-bought castle.
Wario: AWESOME! I CALL THRONE!
Waluigi: I'm going to take a nap.
Waluigi takes a nap. However, the Evil Black Jewel turns Wario's Castle into a warped world, and his coins into monsters. One playthrough of Wario World later...
Wario: HEY! NOT BAD!
Waluigi: *yawn* Who you talking to now?
Wario: THE SPRITES!
Waluigi: -_-
Wario: Well now, let's eat!
However, before they can do that, Bowser jumps through the window.
Bowser: COME TO MY CASTLE! EMERGENCY VILLAINS MEETING!
Bowser throws a smoke bomb toward the ground. However, it just ends up making everyone cough, and Bowser doesn't escape.
Bowser: Why does it always work for Naruto...? Fine, come with me.
Wario Bros: Fine...
The Wario Bros. follow Bowser to his castle, having absolutely nothing better to do. However...
Bowser: GAAAAAAH! WHO LEFT THE FRONT GATE OPEN?!
Shy Guy: Oops, sorry, sir.
The Shy Guy locks the gate. However, Bowser, Wario, and Waluigi are still locked out.
Bowser: YOU IDIOT! WHY DID I HAVE TO WIN YOU GUYS FROM WART IN THAT ACCURSED GAME OF POKER?! WHY DIDN'T I PICK CLAWGRIP?!
Shy Guy: Sorry, sir.
After 30 tries, Shy Guy finally gets it right. Bowser and the Wario Bros. walk into a room filled with minions... and King K. Rool.
K. Rool: Bowzilla! HOW'S IT GOING?!
Bowser: K. ROCK! Not bad, you?
K. Rool: Oh, you know, being beaten by smelly apes over a giant pile of bananas.
Bowser: Really? Well, I have to...
Kamek: QUIET! This meeting will have to start SOMEDAY!
Bowser: He does have a point.
K. Rool: Yeah.
Wario: (scarfing down everything he can find) HURRY IT UP!
Waluigi: Uh... Why are we, K. Rool, and Kamek the only other major villains here?
Bowser: I dunno, I gave letters to everyone.
Meanwhile, we see that Parakarry is tied up in the middle of the desert with Bandits stealing all of his mail.
Bandit: SWEET! I GOT SOME LETTER FOR SOMEONE NAMED "WART", AND IT HAD MONEY IN IT!
Big Bandit: I KNOW! I GOT THE SAME THING, BUT IT SAID "TATANGA!"
Bandit 3: I GOT KING DEDEDE!
Many Others: I GOT !
Meanwhile, Bowser has started his conference.
Bowser: All right everyone, thank you all for coming. First of all, I'd like to thank my son, Bowser Jr, for catering this event. Thanks, Son!
Loud applause is heard.
Bowser Jr: YOU'RE FORCING ME TO DO THIS!
Bowser: NOT THE POINT! Second of all, I'd like to show this slideshow of great villainy for the past year.
Bowser begins a slideshow. It starts with him kidnapping Peach, then K. Rool turning Donkey Kong and Diddy into slaves to fuel his robots, then Bowser kidnapping Peach again, then Dedede eating all of Kirby's food, then Wario helping Dedede eat all of Kirby's food...
Waluigi: How'd you get there?
Wario: Where there's food, there's a way.
...and then it shows Bowser kidnapping Peach for the 96th time. And then it shows the events of Wario & Waluigi's Extremely Twisted Saga.
Bowser: As you can see, this has been a great year for villans!
Lots of cheering is heard.
Bowser: And now, to unleash the greatest plan ever, and it is...
A banner flies down with Peach all over it.
Bowser: KIDNAP PEACH!
Tons of cheering is heard, except from the Wario Bros, who both slap themselves on the forehead.
Bowser: Everything is in order. However, I'm sure that any second, Mario and Luigi will be here to ruin the occasion.
Everyone waits for five minutes, and the Mario Bros. aren't there.
Bowser: Weird, the author told me they'd be here by now.
Meanwhile, at Bowser's gate...
Mario: Open-a the gate, Luigi!
Luigi: I can't! It's-a locked!
Mario: That's a first!
Luigi: Yeah. Remember when we-a...
Mario and Luigi think about the 96 times they humiliated Bowser this year. Back in the castle...
Bowser: All right, I guess that means, WE STORM MUSHROOM CASTLE UNOPPOSED!
Extremely loud cheering is heard, even from the Wario Bros, who imagine how much money they'd make from holding the princess hostage.
Bower: All right, let...
Kamek pokes Bowser.
Bowser: WHAT NOW, LAMEK?!
Kamek: Isn't Lamek that one Goomba from P.T.'s stories.
Bowser: I DON'T CARE, CURRENT EVENTS BORE ME!
Kamek: But you just... Never mind. We seem to have one more guest.
Bowser: Really? Who?
Kamek: That evil, caped thing thing, floating above the crowd. I thought you'd notice because he made the castle glow purple.
Meanwhile...
Mario: What are they-a doing in there?
Luigi: Something stupid, I'm-a sure.
Back in Bowser's Castle...
Evil Caped Thing: You shall all be defeated, by Count Bleck!
Bowser: DEFEAT! I THINK... Wait, Count WHO?!
Evil Caped Thing: By me, Count Bleck.
Wario: More like Count Lame!
Count Bleck: You shall meet your doom... from Count Bleck! The chosen activator of the Dark Prognosticus... is also Count Bleck!
Bowser: I don't like you as much as that other vampire guy.
Bowser suddenly gets a flashback. He is watching Seseme Street.
Count: Now, what is the number of the day?
Toddler Bowser: OOH! WHAT IS IT?! KAMEK! TELL ME!
Kamek: 4.
Count: One... two... three... four! Four is the number of the day!
Toddler Bowser: HOW YOU KNOW THAT?! I WAS GONNA BEAT YOU UP FOR NOT KNOWING!
Kamek: Because, young master Bowser, we've watched this episode 132 TIMES!
Toddler Bowser: HEY, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK IN CAPS LOCK!
Kamek: Crud...
End Flashback...
Count Bleck: Count Bleck is much better than The Counting Count. Count Bleck also has quite a prize!
Count Bleck reveals that he has Peach in some sort of heart-shaped prison.
Peach: *random jibberish*
The random jibberish comes out of Peach's Word Bubble and explodes in the prison, knocking her out.
Count Bleck: Count Bleck is shocked that the exploding text problem wasn't fixed in between the stories. But, that is not Count Bleck's point.
Bowser: I can't LET YOU take Peach! FATSO! GET IN THERE!
Bowser throws Wario at Count Bleck. However, he just bounces off the barrier and rams into King K. Rool. Both become unconscious.
Count Bleck: Count Bleck cannot find any sense in this.
Waluigi: It was a lot worse last story.
Count Bleck: NO MATTER! COUNT BLECK WILL TAKE ALL OF YOU AS WELL!
Count Bleck makes a giant vortex appear, sucking everyone inside except for Wario and King K. Rool, who are somehow unaffected due to being unconscious.
Count Bleck: The fat man is a fool, but I may regret not bringing the crocodile along...
Count Bleck forces King K. Rool in.
Count Bleck: BLEHEHEHEHEHE... BLECK!
(Count Bleck disappears. Suddenly, a butterfly-like thing appears)
Butterfly Thing: Hello? Is there a hero with a red... Oh my, it's a dead guy! HEY, DEAD GUY! ARE YOU GOING TO COME BACK TO LIFE?!
The butterfly thing begins poking Wario with a large stick, even though the stick is larger and heavier than it is. Meanwhile...
Bowser: Ugh... What's happening?
Bowser suddenly sees that he's in a dapper white tux on the side of a pedastal. Peach is on the other side in a wedding gown, unconscious. Kamek is standing right next to Bowser, and The King is standing right next to Peach. Count Bleck is hovering above, holding some book, with a naggy office assistant next to him. Behind Bowser is a large group of his minions cheering him in a hypnotized voice, and an unconscious Waluigi.
Count Bleck: We are... Oh, Count Bleck forgot to rehearse! Uh... Who allows this lovely woman to be wed?
The King: (in an obviously hypnotized voice) I, her father, King of The Mushroom Kingdom, do.
Count Bleck: All right, yadada yadada, BOWSER, Evil King of Koopas, father of eight, and supporter of the "Big Bird's Benevolent Imaginary Friend Rescue" charity! Do you take this now-slightly-conscious princess to be your lawfully wedded wife 'til your games be over?
Bowser: Wha? Huh? Wait, marry Peach? But what about Clawdia?
Count Bleck: Who would you rather have?
Bowser: Point taken. Yes, I do.
Count Bleck: And do you, Peach, kind-hearted princess, master of Mushroomers, and owner of "Exploding Voices: We Make Bombs"! Do you take this overly-mocked Koopa to be your lawfully wedded husband 'til your games be over?
Peach: *jibberish*
The jibberish comes out of the word bubble and explodes.
Count Bleck: Nastasia?
Office Assistant: I've got it, K?
Nastasia gives Peach some sort of vitamin, giving her a full vocabulary.
Count Bleck: Now, Count Bleck will continue. Peach, kind-hearted princess, master of Mushroomers, and owner of "Exploding Voices: We Make Bombs"! Do you take this overly-mocked Koopa to be your lawfully wedded husband 'til your games be over?
Peach: N-n-no!
Bowser looks shocked. The entire crowd BOOS the princess, causing all of the Boos in the audience to have headaches.
Nastasia: Yeah, it's not good to go against the Count's will, K?
Nastasia adjusts her glasses. Large, red squares spin around Peach.
Nastasia: Yeah, so, uh, Peach? Answer the Count again. Do you take Bowser to be your lawfully wedded husband 'til your games be over?
Peach: The answer is...
Nastasia: Wow, you're a tough nut to crack. But my ultra-hypnosis is the ultimate nutcracker, and you'll soon snap like a peanut, which is one of the weakest shelled nuts!
Bowser: One Fawful is enough, thank you.
Nastasia: Sorry. Now Peach, say "I do", K?
Peach: I do, K?
Nastasia: Good enough.
Count Bleck: Then, by the power vested in Count Bleck, Count Bleck pronounces you... PAWNS IN A LARGE PLOT! Oh, and Koopa and wife.
Anger, then tons of cheering is heard from the audience. Suddenly, a large earthquake occurs and a black, heart-shaped object comes out of the pedastal.
Count Bleck: BLEHEHEHEHEHE! EVERYTHING GOES COUNT BLECK'S WAY! THE CHAOS HEART HAS BEEN REAWAKENED, JUST LIKE THE DARK PROGNOSTICUS PREDICTED! BLEHEHEHEHE... BLECK!
Suddenly, Waluigi wakes up.
Waluigi: Huh... What's going on?
Koopa Troopa: THAT IDIOT COUNT OVER THERE JUST DOOMED US ALL!
Waluigi: Is the princess safe and unprotected?
Koopa Troopa: I dunno how those two go together, but I guess so!
Waluigi jumps to the alter and grabs Peach.
Waluigi: All right, if you ever want to see your princess again, then give me all of your money!
Just as everyone is about to take out their wallets, the Chaos Heart gets shot by a cannonball.
Waluigi: WHAT WAS THAT THING?!
King K. Rool: (holding a blunderbuss) Had to do it. For dramatic effect, ya know?
Waluigi and Count Bleck slap their foreheads. However, since Count Bleck has no forehead, he just slaps his hat. Suddenly, the Chaos Heart lets off a flash of black light, and everyone disappears. Count Bleck then reappears.
Count Bleck: Count Bleck thinks Count Bleck was lucky to have survived. So, Count Bleck will leave.
Count Bleck teleports away. Back at Bowser's Castle...
Butterfly: Well, I guess he's really dead.
Suddenly, Wario gets up.
Butterfly: WOAH! YOU CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD!
Wario: Got any cheese puffs?
Butterfly: My name is Tippi, and I'm here to find the legendary hero. But, YOU'RE BETTER THAN HE IS! YOU CAN COME BACK FROM THE DEAD!
Wario: Legendary Hero... I AM HIM!
Tippi: Then help me save the world!
Wario: First, let me count my coins. TELEPORT ME TO MY CASTLE!
Tippi: Uh... All right.
The magical cursor-thing teleports Wario to his castle. All of the gold is gone.
Wario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Tippi: What's that note?
Wario picks up the note.
Note: Owner of this castle, Count Bleck needed to take your money so Count Bleck could use it as a base for the Chaos Heart. Yes, it sounds odd that the Chaos Heart is made of money, but the power of chaos needed a base, and gold is the most stable element. So... uh... enjoy your last few moments of life before Count Bleck ends it in Count Bleck's rage.
Sincerely, Annonomous.
Wario: WHO COULD IT BE?! WHO STOLE MY CASH?!
Tippi: -_-
Wario: WHOOOOOOO?!
Tippi: The guy who's trying to destroy everything.
Wario: LET'S GO THEN!
And so, Wario
began his quest to get his cash back as the cursor-warping thing teleported
them to the interdimentional town of Flipside.
Chapter 1: The Hearts of the Desert
Wario and Tippi appear on Flipside Tower. Merlon approaches them.
Merlon: HALT! THOU SHALN'T PASS!
Wario: Oh no, not a recurring pun!
Merlon: Just kidding. Well Tippi, it appears that you brought us a complete zero. Where's that hero?
Tippi: BUT MERLON! THIS GUY CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD!
Merlon: Then... HE'S A WITCH! BURN HIM! BURN HIM!
Wario: But aren't you a wizard?
Merlon: AAH! NOOOO! BURN ME! BURN ME!
Wario burns Merlon. A heart-shaped object remains unscathed in Merlon's ashes.
Wario: What is this thing?
Tippi: This is a Pure Heart. They're the key to saving the world.
Wario: And you know this how?
Tippi: The Light Prognosticus, which is-
Wario: SHUT UP! I REALLY DON'T CARE! LALALALALALALALALA!
Tippi: -_-
Wario: Well, where do I put this thing?
Tippi: You put it into a Heart Pillar.
Wario: A what now?
Tippi: You put the heart into the white thing with a heart shape inside. One's right below us. But, I suggest-
Wario has already jumped off of the tower and onto the Third Floor of Flipside.
Tippi: ...taking the elevator.
Ten minutes of trying to wake up Wario later...
Wario: Huzza? Whatzza? NO OFFICER, I DIDN'T DO IT!
Tippi: Just shut up and put the stupid heart inside the Heart Pillar, BEFORE I TEAR YOUR NOSE OFF AND PUT IT IN A JAR, YOU LITTLE PUKE!
Everyone in Flipside: 0.0
Tippi: I mean, put the heart inside the thingy, Wario.
Wario puts the Pure Heart inside the Heart Pillar. Suddenly, lots of little red lines appear all around the pillar.
Wario: WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! BOMBERMAN IS BACK!
Tippi: -_-
The lines all circle the Heart Pillar, and suddenly all separate.
Wario: What happened?
Tippi: Probably something on top of the tower. But don't try cl-
Wario is already halfway done climbing the tower.
Tippi: ...imbing it, because there's an elevator.
Tippi takes the elevator to the top of the tower. Wario slowly climbs up, huffing and puffing.
Wario: How'd you get up here before me?
Tippi: I took the-
Wario: THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW! What happened?
Tippi: I think that that large, red door that you're resting on appeared.
Wario: What? This old thing? No way, it was definately here befo- WOAH!
The door suddenly opens, causing Wario to fall inside. Tippi sighs and follows him.
Interlude: The
second ever, and the first of many. Wait, many? Aw crud...
Inside a giant,
black room...
Count Bleck: Count Bleck is very pleased with the outcome, even though it was strange and the crocodile and purple stick man were annoying. O'CHUNKS! DIMENTIO! MIMI! NASTASIA! COME TO ME!
Nastasia slowly floats behind Count Bleck. A large, burly Scottish guy with crazy eyes, floating arms, and no hair on him except his crazy, mangled beard jumps from out of nowhere onto a platform before Count Bleck. A large, warping sound is heard, and a jester with black and hite facepaint and a face similar to that of a drama mask appears.
Crazy Scottish Guy: O'Chunks present!
Jester: Dimentio is here, ladies and gentlemen!
Suddenly, Fawful goes running by
Fawful: I HAVE FURYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Fawful leaves.
Count Bleck: Er... okay... NASTASIA! Who was the crazy man that scared Count Bleck?
Nastasia: That was... disturbing. But, it was some crazy beanish guy who had a semi-important role in the prequal.
Count Bleck: Count Bleck still does not understand.
.uddenly, O'Chunks jumps from the ceiling
O'Chunks: Sorry I'm late, me trowsers got caught in a...
O'Chunks notices that there's another O'Chunks in the room.
O'Chunks: OYE! How'd I beat meself 'ere?
Other O'Chunks: Oh, O'Chunks, you silly.
Dimentio: SHH! May I remind you two to say as little of our in-game diologue as possible, to create a consistant batter for the cake of this story?
Lemmy: The Dryest Bones paid you to say that?
Dimentio: You have caught me cleanhanded.
Lemmy: AHAH! Wait...
While Lemmy is trying to ponder Dimentio's words, the scheduled conversation continues.
Fake O'Chunks: Mimimimimimi...
The fake O'Chunks turns into a little green girl with a yellow dress.
Little Girl: You both are such sillies!
Count Bleck: Mimi! SILENCE! Or will Count Bleck have to take you to... NEW JERSEY!
Mimi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Count Bleck: Count Bleck is just kidding. Well, different strokes for different blokes.
Suddenly, Radioman, who is actually a TV for everyone who doesn't know, walks into the room.
Radioman: WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM, SIR!
Count Bleck: And that is?
Radioman turns himself on. There is a Flipside newscaster.
Newscaster: This is newcaster Sarah Bumber! Someone found a Pure Heart and is going to save the world!
Count Bleck: WHAT?!
Sarah Bumber: Yes, so now it seems that The Void, a giant black hole in the sky that promises to destroy reality, will be closed. The hero is going to go through Lineland, and finally through the deadly Yold Desert to find the next Pure Heart! More details at 11.
Radioman turns off.
Count Bleck: How could this be, asked Count Bleck to himself? O'CHUNKS!
O'Chunks: Fair enough: I'll slap 'em 'til his trousers ar soiled!
O'Chunks breaks a window going to Yold Desert.
Dimentio: And I will go to make sure that the hero is challenged once he beats O'Chunks.
Dimentio teleports away.
Count Bleck: This is a turn for the worse that Count Bleck did not forsee. But, Count Bleck's Dark Prognosticus will tell him all he needs to know... BLEHEHEHEHEHE... BLECK!
Count Bleck teleports away.
Chapter 1-1: What Would You Do For a Flip Power?
The door from Flipside Tower appears in a grassy field, sorta like the Mushroom Kingdom, only there are blocky trees and math equations in the sky. Wario falls out of the door, while Tippi slowly floats out.
Wario: What-a? Where are we?
Tippi: This is called Lineland Road.
Wario: And what's the point of that?
Tippi: We need to talk to Bestovious so that he'll give you the power to flip into 3D.
Wario: What's the point of that? And wasn't the entire prequal in 3D?
Tippi: Look, I didn't write the plot. I'm just going with what Nintendo Power says to do, all right?
Wario: Strange... but we've had stranger.
Tippi: We just met.
Wario: Oh yeah, I wonder where Waluigi is.
...
Wario: I SAID, OH YEAH, I WONDER WHERE WALUIGI IS!
...
Wario: What's wrong with you?
Tippi: Who are you talking to?
Wario: You just... never mind. Let's just go.
Wario walks along Lineland Road, throwing Goombas at Koopa Troopas and Koopa Troopa shells at Squigglets. Finally, they make it to Bestovious's house.
Wario: Why would this guy have a mailbox?
A blocky version of Parakarry flies up.
Blockakarry: MAIL ROLL!
Blockakarry flies away. Bestovious rolls out onto his lawn
Bestovious: MAIL!
Bestovious grabs his letter and floats inside on his yellow cloud.
Wario: Who was the freaky old guy?
Tippi: Bestovious. Let's follow him!
Wario walks into the house, seeing Bestovious going straight through a wall.
Wario: HOW'D HE DO THAT?!
Tippi: I don't really know, but let's just pretend we know what we're doing.
(Wario walks straight through the wall into Bestovious's secret room.
Bestovious: AAH! HOW'D YOU GET THROUGH MY SECRET DOOR?!
Bloo: SECRET DOOR?!
Bloo gets hit by Foreman Spike into the sunset.
Foreman Spike: THE TRUTH SHALL SOON BE REVEALED!
Foreman Spike leaves.
Wario: Wonder why he didn't destroy the building...
Bestovious: LEAVE MY CHAMBERS!
Tippi: But this is... a loser... And he's trying to save the world!
Wario: I have a name, and it's Wario!
Tippi: Yeah, Mario.
Wario: NO, WARIO!
Tippi: War man?
Wario: Forget it.
Bestovious: YOU'LL NEVAH GET MY COOKIES!
Wario: We just want the power to flip.
Bestovious: If you can touch me, you can get the-
Wario touches Bestovious.
Bestovious: THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! MY STENCH ALWAYS ALLOWS PEOPLE TO- DEAR DAD! WHAT IS THAT HIDEOUS ODOR?!
Wario: It seems that my natural fragrance is so wonderful, it overpowers your stench!
Bestovious: So... woozy...
Bestovious faints.
Wario: Wait, why aren't you fainting?
Tippi: Some days, I'm happy that the producers forgot to give me a nose.
Wario reaches into Bestovious's coat and takes out a jar that says "Life Savings". Then, he takes out another jar that says "Flip Power". Wario opens it, and squares come out.
Square: FLIP-POWUH!
(The squares go inside Wario. WARIO CAN NOW FLIP INTO 3D!
Wario: AWESOME! WARIO IS GR8!
Tippi: L33t... How annoying.
Wario flips into 3D. However, he stays too long and gets hurt.
Wario: What the...
Tippi flies over to the jar.
Tippi: Warning: with prolonged use, may cause damage to user. That explains a lot.
Wario flips into 3D and walks into a door he couldn't before. He then meets a spring thingy.
Spring: YOU'LL NEVER BEAT SPROING-OING!
Wario hits Sproing-oing in the face, knocking him into three springs. He then ties the springs to his feet and jumps past most of the level. However, a mountain moves in his way, and the springs die from being crushed.
Wario: Icky on my shoe! FLIP-POW!
Wario flips into 3D like some nerd trying to be a superhero. Suddenly, a huge field of Squigletts appears from behind the mountain.
Wario: How am I supossed to do THIS?!
Tippi: Jump on them.
Wario: You forgot that I jump worse than the average Earthling.
Tippi: Point taken. All right, I dunno then.
Wario: I might...
Wario goes into the crowd and flips into 2D. He is then inside the mountain, without the Squigletts. He digs out...
Wario: All right, let's go.
Wario goes into the next room and hits a block. A Mega Star pops out.
Wario: Pretty, pretty, shiny, shiny!
Wario grabs the Mega Star. He turns into a giant pixelated pallette swap of Mario.
Mega Wario: Well, there goes my whole character design...
Mega Wario crushes the rest of the level, a flagpole, and a guy offering cheat codes to the end of the game.
Mega Wario: Crud...
Mega Wario turns into Wario at the very end of the level. Wario is in front of a block with a star inside.
Wario: What's that thing?
Tippi: A Star Block.
Wario: -_-
Tippi: Hit it.
Wario hits the block and clears the level.
Chapter 1-2: It's Dangerous to Go Alone, But We Don't Care
Wario appears on a large desert mountain.
Wario: I was just on a nice plain, and now this?
Tippi: Maybe if you studied the math equations in the sky, they would've told you how you got here!
Wario: Transmission Obtained.
Wario somehow progresses through most of the level, considering that there's barely anything funny with those parts. He makes it to the part with the Spiky Tromps rolling down the hill.
Tromp: OUTTA MY WAY, YOU'RE GOING TO BE UNEVEN PANCAKES!
Wario: But if we got out of-
The Spiky Tromp rolls over Wario before he can finish his sentence.
Wario: HEY! That is not ni-
Another one rolls over Wario.
Wario: -ce! THAT'S IT!
Wario flips into 3D.
Wario: HAHA! NOW YOU CAN'T-
Even though it only takes up 5% of the entire area, the next Tromp still rolls over Wario.
Wario: I HATE THIS WORLD!
Nintendo and Intelligent Systems try to sue Wario, but fail. Wario takes the temporary break in the game to make it to the next area. He makes it to a huge gorge.
Wario: I think I can jump it, like in Novette & Gwenbi's FF.
Wario tries a SM64 Long Jump, but fails miserably due to him being a lot fatter and slower than Mario. One rescue by the Magic Cursor of Wonderment later...
Wario: Crud.
Tippi: Maybe you could try reasoning with the bridgemaster.
Wario: NEVAH!
Wario hits Red's house with a rock.
Red: THAT HURT ME! HEY, IT GOT ME OUT OF 3D! THANKS!
The bridge suddenly appears. However, it looks very weak.
Wario: Let's go.
Wario drives a train across.
Tippi: This is so not right.
Tippi gets tired, so she begins walking across. However, the bridge breaks due to her weight. She is forced to fly across.
Tippi: This is just as bad as the last story.
Wario walks into a random house.
Wario: GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR MONEY AND/OR TACOS!
Wario sees that the house is a public bathroom.
Wario: Aw man... Wait, this is a LADIES bathroom!
Tippi: WARIO! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE... ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT IF I SAID, THE VIEWER'S EARS WOULD BURN!
Wario: No... ICKY!
Wario rolls all over the floor.
Wario: GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!
Wario rolls right into a warp pipe. Tippi follows.
Tippi: That's dumb.
Wario is inside a giant dungeon with Thwomps.
The Dryest Bones: WHAT DOES NINTENDO HAVE AGAINST PAPER WHOMPS?!
Wario: And you're here because...?
The Dryest Bones: I ONLY APPEAR IN ONE CHAPTER AFTER THIS! Except maybe near the end. RATATATATATATATATATA!
Wario: What?
The Dryest Bones: I rattled my bones.
Wario: All right then.
The Dryest Bones throws a smoke bomb at the ground and walks away slowly.
Tippi: How do you know that guy?
Wario: Long story. But, how am I supossed to get past the Thwomps?
Tippi: Same way you got past... Never mind, you failed at that.
Bomberman appears and blows up the Thwomps.
Wario: MY OLD RIVAL! WE MEET AGAIN!
Bomberman: Curse the author knowing about Wario VS Bomberman... We shall meet again! For I am a new guest character.
Wario: Curses.
Bomberman explodes, causing his body to fly through the sky.
Wario: HEY, A DOOR!
Wario walks through the door, only to find another empty room.
Wario: HEY, A SECRET DOOR!
Bloo: SECRET DOOR!
Thoraeu comes out of the secret door and tosses Bloo out of the area.
Thoraeu: Hi, I'm Thoraeu. I'm the Pixl locked behind that secret door! I can throw stuff.
Wario is just drooling.
Thoraeu: Hello? Wha-
Wario eats Thoraeu in one bite.
Tippi: 0.0
Wario: I was hungry.
Wario and Tippi walk outside, and close to another gorge.
Wario: I think I can jump it.
Tippi: You can't.
Tippi uses mind control to stop Wario.
Wario: Wow... That was scary. Why couldn't you do that before?
Tippi: It was a one-time cheat code.
Wario: What's with the one-time stuff keeping me from doing stuff?
Tippi: I don't know.
Wario walks into Old Man Watchitt's house.
Watchitt: WATCHIT!
Wario: Catch it?
Watchitt: WATCHIT!
Wario: Blotch it?
Watchitt: WATCH IT!
Wario: Oh, pour ceasar dressing on it.
Watchitt: Did yer parents drop you on your head when you were young or something?
Wario: No idea. I wanna get across the gorge.
Watchitt: Do you have a Pixl shaped like a hand?
Wario: Oh, that WASN'T a box of flying French fries?
Watchitt: 0_0
Wario: So, are you going to help, or not?
Watchitt: I'm thinking of a number between-
Wario: Alligator.
Watchitt: You're smarter than I thought, boy. Lemme make a bridge for you while you watch something on my plasma screen TV. WATCH IT!
Watchitt builds a large bridge in three hours, while Wario watches TV.
Tippi: How did you know he was thinking of alligators?
Wario: Do old western men that look like they were ex-oil tycoons think of anything else?
Watchitt walks in.
Watchitt: Bridge finished.
Wario: All right then.
Wario walks outside and goes across a large, high-tech bridge with moving floors!
Wario: AWESOME! I'M ALMOST AT THE END!
Green appears.
Green: You didn't use my usefulness! DIE!
Green charges at Wario. Wario steps out of the way. Green doesn't see, and keeps running at a speed consistant with the moving floor, making him go nowhere at all.
Tippi: -_-
Wario hits the Star Block and goes to the next chapter.
Chapter 1-3: O'Say Can You Sand
Wario ends up in the middle of the desert.
Wario: Wha?
Tippi: LOOK! A RED TREE!
Wario: Wow, this is a weird start.
Tippi floats up and down around the tree 10 times, even though it's 2D. A door appears for some reason.
Tippi: HEY, A DOOR!
Wario: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!
Tippi: We met under a red tree...
Wario: What?
Tippi: ... What just happened?
Wario: You went crazy at the sight of a red tree.
Tippi: Blumiere...
Wario: Whoza?
Tippi: I don't know. Let's keep going.
Wario: (She's buggier than a june bug.)
Wario and Tippi walk through the door. Suddenly, they make it to a field of quicksand.
Wario: Wow, how do I get across?
Tippi: Try flipping.
Wario: Nah.
Wario puts on cat burglar clothes.
Wario: Slow-motion dive!
Wario starts jumping high into the air in Super Slow Motion. He then does a roundhouse kick, followed by a large explosion that gets him across the sand. Tippi just flies over it, and at four times the speed, which is regular motion.
Tippi: If this keeps happening, The Void will kill us all before you get to the second Pure Heart!
Wario fast-forwards to a small, desert area. O'Chunks drops from the sky.
O'Chunks: Eye laddie, I be O'Chunks! An' I be givn' the chunkin' o' ye teday! So jus' sit bak 'ere, an' lemme giv a wailin' on ya!
Bagpipes start playing.
O'Chunks: WILL YE STOP FOLLOWIN' MEH?!
Bagpipe Guy: Sorry...
O'Chunks throws the bagpipe guy at Wario.
Wario: OW! That hurt slightly! I'LL KILL YOU!
Wario strangles O'Chunks. However, O'Chunks uses his magical extending hands to throw Wario into invisible walls. Wario goes flying like a pinball, while O'Chunks does a victory dance and raises his arms.
Bagpipe Guy: THE HORROR!
Wario stops bouncing.
Wario: I'LL KILL YOU STILL!
Wario does painful things to O'Chunks that cannot he seen or heard by the eyes or ears of children. It ends with O'Chunks looking like he fell into a coma.
O'Chunks: Lez call it uh tie.
Wario: BUT I THRASHED YOU!
O'Chunks: Goodbye, Waria!
O'Chunks farts himself into the sky. Wario throws up in disgust.
Tippi: GROSS!
Wario: Ew... Those French fries didn't taste too good.
Thoraeu: FREEDOM!
Wario eats Thoraeu again.
Tippi: 0.0
Wario jumps onto a blue pedastal.
Wario: All right, now what?
Tippi: You press 2 and - on your Wii-mote at the same time.
Wario: What's a Wii-mote?
A Wii-mote falls out of the sky.
Wario: CONVENIENT! Wait... No batteries.
(ario uses Tippi as a battery. A giant gate opens, revealing a Star Block. Tippi flies out.
Tippi: I think you short-circuited my brain!
Wario: Does that really matter now?
Tippi: YES!
Wario: Wow, you really DO hold a grudge.
Wario hits the Star Block and finishes the level.
Chapter 1-4: Tail of Frack: A Rocky Road
Wario enters the large ruins.
Wario: Wow, there's lots of graffiti on the wall!
Tippi: Those are heiroglyphics.
Wario: Whoever made harioglipics is going to get in trouble!
Tippi: (Idiot.)
Wario walks through a long hallway into an area with Firebars.
Wario: My spidy senses are telling me to flip.
Tippi: That's probably a good idea.
Realizing he doesn't have Spidy senses, Wario dashes through the fireballs, turning into a fireball on the way out.
Tippi: -_-
In fact, he's so hot that he melts most of the ruins. He ends up in a room with another Sproing-oing.
Sproing-oing: I'LL DESTROY YOU!
Wario jumps on Sproing-oing, launching him into the air and into a hallway. Tippi follows.
Tippi: Wasn't a springboard supposed to be there?
Wario: Wasn't this dungeon supposed to be longer?
Wario jumps through a roof, revealing another room.
Wario: OOH! THERE'S A SWITCH RIGHT THERE!
Tippi: IT'S A TRAP!
Wario, not knowing the meaning of common sense, presses the switch anyway. As Tippi tries to drag him away, Spiny Tromps fill the room. Tippi is crushed underneath.
Tippi: Help *wheeze* me.
Wario: It looks pointy, so no.
A large, red switch appears behind Wario.
Wario: It's a trap... to get me NOT to press it!
Wario activates the switch. The floor with the Spiny Tromps collapses, causing them all to stack up in the hole at the bottom.
Sproing-oing: Why me?
The Sproing-oing gets crushed. Fortunately for Tippi, she lands on top, completely flattened.
Tippi: I hate you...
Wario enters a door that he's able to go on thanks to the Spiny Tromps. He sees four blocks.
Wario: What order should I press them in... WAIT!
Wario just stacks them on each other. He then throws four Spiny Tromps forward, hitting all of the switches at once. Somehow, this works, and stairs appear.
Tippi: This both surprises and scares me.
Wario scales the stairs and jumps up a pipe. He is then in the desert again.
Wario: I hate my luck.
Suddenly, a giant robot dragon comes out of the sand.
Giant Robot Dragon: I AM FRACKTAIL, GUARDIAN OF THE PURE HEART! DIE OR LEAVE!
Wario: Second option, please.
Fracktail: Wait... Level 2 mustache detected.
Wario: Why do people mock the stache?
Fracktail: INCREDIBLE! DATA MATCH FOUND! WARIO, SMELLY HERO IMPOSTER! I AM SORRY! I AM YOUR HUMBLE SERVANT!
Wario: All right. Your first task is to get me a tripple-decker sandwich with pickles, tomato, lettuce, mayo, beef, steak, chocolate, dead fish, nosehair...
Suddenly, Dimentio appears.
Dimentio: I welcome myself, like a rude person at a private college party!
Wario: NO! NOT ANOTHER CRAZY BEAN GUY WHO LIKES MUSTARD OF DOOM, HAS FURY, AND IS THE STAR OF THE HIGHEST-GROSSING FILM SERIES EVER!
Dimentio: All right then. I'll cut to the chase: I want you two dead, I work for Count Bleck, and you two will... DIE!
Dimentio raises his arms into the sky. Dark clouds circle Fracktail as a lightning bolt as powerful as DAD himself's fist hits Fracktail in the head. Fracktail explodes.
Dimentio: Oh crud... Hang on...
Five hours of remaking Fracktail later...
Fracktail: I HATE YOU! CTRL, ALT, DIE!
Dimentio: Ciao!
Dimentio disappears.
Wario: STUPID BUTTERFLY! TELL ME HOW TO BEAT IT!
Tippi: That's-
Wario: WEAK POINT, PLEASE!
Tippi: THE ANTENNA ON ITS HEAD!
Wario: ON IT!
Wario creates a giant sculpture of himself out of sand to get to Fracktail's head. He jumps on, however...
Wario: THE ANTENNA IS GONE!
Meanwhile...
Dimentio: I love modifying things!
Back on Fracktail...
Wario: Now what?
Fracktail: YOU DIE!
Wario: No, that's not it...
Meanwhile, Frackles, the security system of Fracktail, try to eliminate Wario. However, he just keeps throwing them into each other.
Fracktail: This is a boring battle. Why don't I have any attacks?
Meanwhile...
Dimentio: I HATE WHEN I FORGET TO MODIFY THINGS!
Back on Fracktail...
Wario: I figured out something about you, Fracktail.
Fracktail: What is it, snack cake?
Wario: That you have... NO DENTAL PLAN!
Fracktail: OH MY GOSH, YOU'RE RIGHT!
Fracktail flies to his employer to demand a raise and a dental plan, leaving Wario to simply progress to the end of the level...
Wario: All right, let's go.
Tippi: Due to the overall bad quality and idiocy of this story, I won't complain or ask you how that worked.
Wario enters ancient, shiny ruins. Merlumina appears.
Merlumina: I AM MERLUMINA! YOU RUINED MY VACATION TO SUB-CON! WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO GET YOU TO LEAVE?!
Wario: This game to end.
Merlumina: CAN'T DO THAT!
Wario: Your bottomless wallet of infinate hyperspace, and the Pure Heart.
Merlumina: Fine.
Merlumina gives Wario the Pure Heart.
Merlumina: YOU'LL NEVAH GET MY MONAY!
Merlumina disappears.
Wario: I hate her.
Pure Heart: YOU GOT A PURE HEART! YAY!
Wario: Oh no, you do NOT get the last spoken line of this page!
END OF CHAPTER!
Wario couragously got the power to flip and conquered Yold Desert! Fracktail got fired, and Dimentio and O'Chunks both failed pathetically! But what dangers will Wario face in a mysterious mannor? And what of Bowser, K. Rool, and Waluigi? Tune in next week to find out!
Meanwhile...
Mario: Got any threes?
Luigi: Nope, go fireball yourself.