When we last left Jack and Craw-Daddy, they had defeated a group of four boneheads-
Voshi and Boomer: WE’RE NOT BONEHEADS!!!
Shut up! You’re not supposed to be in this part! As I was saying, they have two days left now. Before we get to them, there’s something hot going on in Rogueport, but what?
CHAPTER 9: THIRD DAY OF EXCESS
The Shy Guy guards from chapter 5 are talking with the police chief (Shy Guy).
Chief: So two guys stole train tickets?
Guard 1: Yeah, a Hammer Bro and a Craw.
Chief: And you’re just now telling me this because…?
Guard 2: The Hammer Bro knocked us out. We were out for two days.
Chief: Ugh! Well it’s obvious they got on the Excess Express with those tickets. Gather some other guards and camp at the station. Wait for them to come back, then bring ‘em in!
Guards: Yes sir!
Chief: That’s music to my ears.
Chief: WELL?! WHAT’RE YOU WAITING FOR?! GO!!!
The guards run away.
On the Excess Express…
Jack is waking up.
Jack: *yawn* That was one crazy night. What else can happen?
Craw rolls off the top bunk and falls on the floor.
Jack: Craw… That’s the second time you’ve done that…
Craw: I can’t help it if I have a hard time trying to get comfortable. Let’s just go get breakfast.
They exit their room and go to the dining car. They sit down. The waiter comes up.
Waiter: Good morning, sirs! What would you like today?
Jack: Two pancakes, sausage, and orange juice… and please, no pulp.
Craw: Three boiled eggs and one cup of coffee.
Waiter: Coming right up!
The waiter walks away.
Jack: I hope she doesn’t mess my drink up again like she did yesterday…
Boomer/Doopliss (I’ll just call ‘im Doomer) walks in. Jack and Craw look at him.
Jack and Craw: O_O
Doomer: What?! Don’t you know it’s not nice to stare?!
Doomer walks to a table and sits.
Craw: I thought we left him and Voshi back at Riverside.
Jack: Something ain’t right here… And we’re gonna find out what…
Waiter: Here you are, sirs. Enjoy your meal!
The waiter walks away. Jack sips his drink and spits it out.
Craw: Pulp again?
Jack: No… It’s prune juice!
Craw: Aw… Yuck!
Jack and Craw are in their room.
Craw: Okay, so the Boomerang Bro got on the train when we got on the train and he got off the train at Riverside when we got off the train at Riverside but he’s still on the train even though we left him at Riverside but that’s impossible because he was out cold at Riverside and couldn’t have woken up that fast to get back on the train in time and he can’t be in two places at once because it’s impossible to be in two places at once so there’s something very fishy here and-
Jack: STOP ALREADY!!! You had too much coffee…Anyway, we gotta pay that Boomerang Bro a visit. But let’s do it later.
Craw: Yeah okay sure whatever fine with me I don’t mind-
Jack: THAT’S IT!!! No more coffee for you!
In the Poshley Heights Museum…
Bling Bling: Boss, I’d sure like to know exactly what kind of plans you have…
Boss: For the last time! YOU’LL SEE!!!
Bling Bling: Whatever…
Gonzales Junior: RRRRRRR!!! You’ll be sorry when Jack gets here!!!
Boss: … NOW what happened to your gag?!
Bomb Bomb comes out of the bathroom.
Boss: Let me guess… You had to wipe your nose again?!
Bomb Bomb: Uh… No, we was outta toilet paper.
Boss and Bling Bling: …
Gonzales Junior: Where the crud is Pennington?! He owns this place, ya know! He’s also a detective. Who knows… Even HE might bust you!
Boss: We killed him and ate his liver!
Gonzales Junior: …?!
Boss: HA! Just kidding! He’s on vacation…
Junior: Oh… How do you know that?!
Boss shows Junior a note. It reads, “Gone on vacation, Pennington.”
Junior: Aw man…
CHAPTER 10: RUNAWAY TRAIN
It’s nighttime. Jack and Craw are “talking” with Doomer.
Doomer: What’re you talkin’ about?!
Jack: You know what we’re talkin’ about!!! The fight in Riverside last night!
Doomer: What fight?!
Craw: The hit on the head must’ve given him amnesia…
Doomer: Not likely!
Craw: Then you remember the fight, right?
Jack: STOP IT!!! We’re gettin’ nowhere fast!
Doomer: No kidding!
Craw: Then stop fooling, you fool! We want to know how you got on the train so fast!
Doomer: He didn’t.
Jack: Who didn’t?!
Jack: But YOU’RE Boomer!
Doomer: No I’m not!
Craw: Then who are you?!
Jack: But you just said-
Doomer: HA! You guys are so stupid!
Doomer reverts back to Doopliss.
Jack: HEY!!! You’re that… Dupligawhatchumacallit…
Doopliss takes out a stun gun.
Craw: Where did you get tha-
Doopliss shoots them both. They are now lying on the floor, shaking.
Jack and Craw: Dididididididididididididididididididi!!!
Doopliss: HA! Too easy! Now to have some fun!
Doopliss leaves the room.
Doopliss runs into the locomotive. The engineer sees him.
Engineer: Can I help you?
Doopliss: No, let ME help YOU! Let me drive the train for a while.
Engineer: … Uh, that’s okay, I have it. Thanks anyway.
Doopliss: No, I insist!
Doopliss shoots him with the stun gun.
Doopliss walks up to the controls and turns them high. The train starts going faster.
Doopliss: Wait until the boss hears this!
Doopliss takes out the cell phone and calls the boss.
Boss: What’s up?
Doopliss: I stunned them and made the train go faster.
Boss: YOU IDIOT!!! They’ll get here too fast for me to finish my surprise! Either that or the train will crash… How fast is the train going?
Doopliss looks at the speedometer. It says 180.
Doopliss: … Oops…
Boss: Judging from the way you said oops, the train’s definitely gonna crash. Well… nice knowing you.
The boss hangs up.
Doopliss: … Brilliant, Doopliss… Brilliant…
Jack: Ugh… I don’t feel good.
Craw: What happened?
Jack: Doopliss shot us with a stun gun. Where WERE you for the past five minutes?!
Craw: … Uh… Is it just me… or is the train going faster?
Jack: I wish I could say it’s just you… What’s wrong with that engineer?!
Doopliss is pounding the controls. The controls are going crazy.
Doopliss: COME ON!!! HOW DO YOU DRIVE THIS STUPID TRAIN?!
Jack and Craw run in.
Jack: WHAT’RE YOU DOING?!
Doopliss: TRYING TO SLOW THIS TRAIN DOWN!!! WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?!
Craw: STOP TRYING!!! YOU’RE ONLY MAKING IT WORSE!!!
Doopliss: NO I’M NOT!!!
Jack: STOP YELLING!!!
Doopliss: I AM NOT YELLING!!!
Engineer: WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?!
Doopliss: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE STUNNED!!!
Engineer: I’M NOT ANYMORE!!!
Everyone Else: …
Jack: Look! The train’s got crazy now, and there’s no time for all this yelling about nothing.
Craw: Jack’s right. There’s only one thing to do!
Everyone Else: What’s that?
Jack: … Good idea.
They hug each other in fear while screaming like little girls. The train goes off the track and crashes!
I won’t ask any questions (aren’t you happy). Just stay tuned for PART 5!