Chapter 13: Metal Gizmo Solid
In a deleted scene, our heroes were captured and then imprisoned on Shadow Noah Island. They tried to escape before being used to power the Metal Gizmo, but ran into a villain in league with the Ancient Minister: Grubba. And they also learned of the Bowling Team of Doom, and that both the Minister and Grubba were members! Can the heroes escape and save Toad Town in time?
Our heroes are still standing before Grubba. Or vice versa.
Purple: So what are you gonna do?
Grubba: I’m gonna kill ya! But I got a date with a nice chickadee in a few, and I don’t wanna be all sweaty, so the Metal Gizmo will give you yer dirt nap! Oh an’ by the by, revenge for the Ancient Minister is the reason we caught you… Other than powerin’ mah machine.
Grubba presses a button, and the giant, bronze-ish, robot Rex with the shining yellow eyes bursts through the wall.
Grubba: Meet, Metal Gizmo! Or specifically, Metal Gizmo SHARK!
The Metal Gizmo SHARK roars. Luigi wets himself and faints.
Yux: Thanks. You’re always so helpful, Luigi.
Metal Gizmo opens its mouth to reveal a Banzai Blaster! A Banzai Bill flies out.
Purple: Yux, save us!
Yux: Or what?
Purple pokes his good (only) eye with the hilt of his axe.
Yux: OW! Now I really don’t want to help you!
He pokes it again.
Yux: OKAY!
Yux makes a force field that knocks the Banzai Bill into a wall. Purple starts charging towards it. But he turns to see that he’s alone.
Purple: Guys?
Fin: I’m not gonna become Bandust! That’s a Bandit that’s been crushed into dust.
Purple: Please?
Everyone but Luigi and Purple: *sigh* Fine.
Everyone but Luigi then starts charging towards the robot. They notice that, like Megaleg, he has his own gravity. However, that’s once they’re on the robot. When they approach the foot, however, the front opens up and gray orbs are rolling towards our heroes at high speeds! Purple thinks quickly and sets his axe down at an angle and holds it. The balls slide up it like a ramp and lands in a giant hole in the ground on the other end of the room. P.T. rushes over and presses a switch that says “Garbage Disposal”. Ouch… Especially so since those were Machine Made Sonics that were using their Spinball attack…
Rufus (offscreen): Stop fooling around!
P.T.: Sorry.
They keep running and Purple leaps up and runs up Metal Gizmo’s leg. The shin then starts bending inward in an attempt to crush Purple, but he makes it up to the hip in time. The robot’s hand tries to grab him, but he keeps the giant hand away by scratching it with his axe. On the stomach, which is joined with the hip (this is a robot of a Rex, people), a cannon rises out of a bellybutton hatch and starts shooting lasers at Purple. He gets hit and falls, but P.T. races by him on a bicycle.
P.T.: Last one up’s a rotten egg!
He’s grabbed and flicked away. Fin dashes all the way up (being a Bandit, he has practice, but being a crummy Bandit, he’s about as fast as Purple). He makes it to the neck area, but then the head detaches and flies up, and the speeding Fin keeps running, and so he falls into the hole where the head was. Yux keeps floating up, but gets flattened when the Metal Gizmo claps his hands… or not! Being flat already, Yux just slips out and flies all the way up to the head, which has reattached.
Rufus: Oh come on! YUX?! Of all people, freaking Yux makes it to the head! And what about me?! I didn’t even get a chan-
A surviving Machine Made Sonic runs him over. Meanwhile at the head, Yux makes two Mini Yuxes and throws them into the nostrils. Now the machine has to breathe through its mouth.
Purple: Why does a machine need to breathe anyway?
Grubba: I don’t know.
Purple: And why are you just standing there, watching the fight?
Grubba: I was bored.
With the machine using its mouth to breathe, Yux flies into the open mouth to find a control room.
Yux: So YOU’RE operating the Metal Gizmo!
???: Yes, me… A GENERIC GOOMBA!
Yux breathes fire on the Goomba and heads over to the controls the Goomba was at. He notices the “Abort” button. Not one for death before life, Yux instead presses the “Self Destruct” button. The Metal Gizmo explodes! A piece lands on Gourmet Guy. What he’s doing on Shadow Noah Island when he’s under Toad Town, we’ll never know. The head crashes, clogging the hole the Machine Made Sonics were in, and Yux comes out the mouth.
Grubba: The janitors are going to have a hard time… BECAUSE WHEN THEY SCRAPE YOU OFF THE WALLS, THEY’RE GONNA BE DOIN’ IT A WHILE! MUSCLE UP!
Grubba then becomes Macho Grubba!
Purple: How’d you do that without the Crystal Star?
Macho Grubba: Plot hole!
Fin: Oh DAD he’s a Super Saiyan! Rufus, what does that scanner say about his Power Level?
Rufus: … IT’S OVER NINE-THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNDDDDDDDDD!!!
Fin: What, 9,000?!
Macho Grubba runs towards the group.
Purple: As Yux would probably say: Oh-
Everyone is trampled. They get back up, and Grubba is coming back! They move to the side and Grubba runs straight into a wall.
Rufus: He’s real stupid, isn’t he?
Grubba starts heading back and Purple runs towards him and hits his foot. But due to his size, Grubba just experiences it as a scratch.
Grubba: STING!
He smashes Purple with his fist. The whole fight is basically the heroes trying to hurt Grubba, then getting hurt. Meanwhile Fin is sneaking around, looking for treasure. He enters the Metal Gizmo’s head.
Yux: I’m alive!
Fin: Shut up, Yux. Ah!
Fin appears to have found something on the dead Goomba’s body. Meanwhile, Grubba is about to stomp on Rufus, but then a Mini Mushroom hits him and he’s reduced to the size of a mouse. But because I say so, he still hurts Rufus.
Rufus: No fair! Wait!
Grubba: I’m tiny?! No!
Rufus then tries to step on him, but since he’s still in Macho Mode (albeit smaller), he manages to lift Rufus and throw him by the foot into a Metal Gizmo sticking into a wall.
Rufus: Oww…
Purple then tries to chop him, but his axe dents when it hits Grubba’s head.
Purple: … I’m gonna go fix my axe.
Rufus comes back.
Rufus: Yoshi!
He then swallows Grubba.
Everyone: …
Luigi wakes up.
Luigi: All right! Two down!
Fin: Hey guys! I’m the one that hit Grubba with the Mini Mushroom!
Yux: No one cares. Anyway, “two down”? I don’t wanna fight the rest of the Bowling Team of Doom!
Luigi: Shut up, Yux. Anyway how do we get out of here?
Koopatrol: Well you guys are near the Helipad Area, which is just up the stairs over there.
Purple: Okay… Why are you helping us?
Koopatrol: Am I? Or are you helping yourselves? Yeah, think about that!
Everyone: …
The heroes go up the stairs and walk into a door, then onto a path to a helipad. Inside…
Purple: Okay… Does anyone know how to fly one of these?
Yux: No.
P.T.: No.
Fin: Getaway cars maybe, but not helicopters.
Luigi: Karts and fighting robots only.
Rufus: No.
Purple: Oh wait, Shade can! … Oh wait, he was kicked out of the story.
Yux: Ugh. RANDOMIZE!
He glows and stops.
Yux: Good news.
Luigi: Wait! I just noticed! The controls in here are like in my flying ship from Mario Party 1! This is a piece of cake!
Yux: Bad news.
The helicopter explodes! Fortunately, the blast sends them straight upward, through a hole in the ceiling. Then it’s revealed that Shadow Noah Island was disguised as an iceberg floating in the ocean somewhere near Fahr Outpost. They land along the side of the iceberg.
P.T.: I just noticed I still have a flaming chain wrapped around my arm from the Snow Cap Galaxy.
He removes it with a crowbar to reveal that part of his sleeve is charred. He lifts it and his arm is also charred, and if you squint, you might be able to see some bone.
P.T.: OH MY DAD!
Rufus: Having a flaming chain wrapped around your arm for a chapter or two will do that to ya.
Luigi: So did the bad news just help us almost as much as the good news?
Yux: Oh, that? That wasn’t the bad news.
A dark, spiky shell falls out of the sky onto Yux’s head and lands. It’s Dark Red Bones!
Purple: Oh, perfect.
Chapter 14: Battle of Shadow Noah Island
Our heroes defeated the mighty Metal Gizmo SHARK and then the second member of the Bowling Team of Doom, Grubba. The fight was hard but they did it. But their troubles weren’t over yet as they still had to escape. And now they’re stranded on the outside of the island with Dark Red Bones!
Dark Red Bones wastes no time and starts breathing fire at the heroes! They run away, and shockingly the ice doesn’t melt. Maybe that’s because it’s a disguise and not real ice. Dark Red Bones starts running after the heroes and spitting fireballs at them!
P.T.: WHY?! WHY DO YOU HATE US SO?!
Dark Red Bones: DIE!
Dark Red Bones takes his arm off and throws it at Fin, and then it grabs him and attaches to the ground, tripping Fin. Dark Red Bones then ground pounds on him repeatedly. P.T. leaps over and knocks Dark Red Bones away with his Golden Hammer. But then Dark Red Bones leaps back, takes the hammer, and knocks P.T. into the ground like in the Luigi Dunk.
P.T.: (muffled) Ow.
Fin grabs the monster’s arm and throws it into the ocean, but then it just comes back, clenched into a fist, and flies by. Fin is punched, and the arm reattaches.
Robotic Voice: WARNING! INTRUDERS ON THE OUTSIDE! INTRUDERS!
Gray warp pipes all around the top pop up and Machine Mades start swarming all around. Purple is getting pushed around (literally) by Machine Made Mr. L’s but then does a spin cut. But then Machine Made Bubbles heal the Mr. L’s.
Dark Red Bones: Oh, so you guys are so weak you’re all cloned?!
Dark Red Bones charges up, then turns 360 degrees, breathing unearthly fire on all the Machine Mades around him as well as and Luigi.
Luigi: IT BURNS!
P.T. pops up and knocks a Machine Made Sonic that was standing over him into Dark Red Bones, scattering his bones! His skull lands in a Machine Made Petey’s mouth. But then the Machine Made’s head explodes and the skull is seen floating in midair. Its bones then reform. Purple appears.
Purple: Dark Red Bones, I’m sure you’re as tired of dealing with us as we are of you, so how about we settle this with an RPG fight?
Dark Red Bones: Fine…
PPAER MARIO-STYLE
BOSS FIGHT! EVEN THOUGH THERE SHOULD ONLY BE 2 GOOD GUYS IN A FIGHT!
Purple: 100/100
Fin: 70/70
Luigi: 80/80
Vs.
Dark Red Bones:
1000/1000
Purple, Fin, and
Luigi: WHAAAT?!
Dark Red Bones:
PERISH!
Purple uses “Axe”.
2 damage!
Fin uses “Pimp
Slap”. 1 damage!
Luigi uses “Thunderhand”.
3 damage!
Dark Red Bones
uses “Ultra Fire Breath” on Everyone. 15 damage each!
Purple: 85/100
Fin: 55/70
Luigi: 65/80
Vs.
Dark Red Bones:
994/1000
Purple uses “Thunder
Axe”. 3 damage!
Fin uses “Steal”!
Fin steals a Smash Ball!
Dark Red Bones:
WHAT?!
Masahiro Sakurai:
You have no time to ponder such questions as Fin just grabbed a Smash Ball.
Luigi uses a
Smash Ball! Luigi uses Negative Zone! Dark Red Bones is poisoned for 4
turns! Dark Red Bones is “Slow”! Now he can only act once every other turn!
Dark Red Bones is asleep!
Luigi: Go, Weegie!
Poison does 1
damage!
Purple: 85/100
Fin: 55/70
Luigi: 65/80
Vs.
Dark Red Bones:
990/1000, Poisoned, Slow, Asleep
Purple: This’ll
take a while. Wait! Fin, do you still have that Chomp Whistle?
Fin: Yeah.
Purple: Okay,
use it. Meanwhile…
Purple uses “Appeal!”
An audience member throws a tomato at him!
Purple: I’m allergic
to tomatoes!
Purple bloats
up! Purple can’t act for 2 turns!
Fin uses a Chomp
Whistle! Chain Chomps steal most of Dark Red Bones’ bones! 900 damage!
Luigi pulls out
a Trophy Base!
Luigi: Where’d
I get this?
Fin: Well I definitely
didn’t steal it and put it in your pocket if that’s what you’re implying!
(That was close.)
Luigi: (I’m gonna
kill him later.)
Luigi uses a
Trophy Base! With only 90 HP left, Dark Red Bones is weak enough!
Dark Red Bones
is now a trophy!
Fin steals the
trophy!
Purple, Fin, and
Luigi win!
Battle over!
Yux: HA! Finally we got rid of that guy! Let’s put him somewhere where he’ll never come back to life!
P.T.: Okay!
P.T. takes the trophy and sets it down, then stomps on it so it shatters. Then a maroon Boo comes up.
Dark Red Boo: BOO!
Yux: I hate you all! Especially you… What’s your name?
Fin: Phineas Swipello the Bandit, but everyone calls me Fin.
Yux: Not you!
Luigi: Have no fear, Super Luigi is here!
Rufus: We’re doomed.
Luigi shocks Rufus.
Rufus: Ow!
Luigi then pulls out his Poltergust 3000 and sucks Dark Red Boo up.
Luigi: Now let’s go turn this into a portrait so it’ll never bother us again!
Purple: And we can find some information on the Bowling Team of Doom. Oh, and the airships.
Fin: How do we get there?
They then see the boat that drives Mario to and from Rogueport.
Luigi: Hey, my Waffle Boat!
What, huh, say again, and other forms of these are heard.
Luigi: The boat that took me to and from the Waffle Kingdom.
Everyone Else: Oh.
Luigi: HEY! BOAT! HELP US!
Driver: WHY SHOULD I?
Rufus: WE’LL KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T!
Driver: OKAY.
The boat drives over to the iceberg and everyone gets on. They get to Toad Town docks.
Purple: Hmm, the Shroobs aren’t here. I wonder what’s keeping them.
Meanwhile…
Fahr Outpost Mayor: FIRE! Bomb.
Their giant cannon and a bunch of Bob-ombs are launched at the Shroobs’ airships. They all explode and destroy all the airships. However, a small escape pod can be seen flying away. Meanwhile…
Luigi: That’s nice.
They then head over to E. Gadd’s place.
E. Gadd: What do you want?
Luigi: We finally defeated a tough, recurring villain!
E. Gadd: Okay, follow me.
They go downstairs and Luigi plugs his Poltergust into the Portrotritat- the Portotroatt- the Potatotizer- THE MACHINE! HE PLUGS THE POLTERGUST INTO THE MACHINE! A red drop is seen in the tank, as is a black blob.
Purple: What?
The souls are then printed and made into portraits, one of a black Boo (Agent Dark) and one of a red Boo (Red).
Voice: AREA COMPLETE!
The screen turns entirely black, save for the heroes of the story. A spotlight is shown on the wall.
Ghosts Captured:
-Red
-Agent
Dark
Treasure Gained:
Nothing!
Save? Yes or No? Yes! Saving, don’t touch memory card or power button… Saving complete! Continue playing? Yes or No? Yes!
Yux: … What on Plit was that?
Gadd: Nothing, don’t bother with it. This one portrait looks like a Fire Bro. and another looks like that black blob from quite a few chapters ago when you were still fighting the Subspace Army!
Purple: Oh my.
Gadd: And by the looks of it, he was an innocent Fire Bro who was in Mushroom City when the Subspace Bomb exploded, and he tried to leave Subspace directly, then turned evil, and then fused with that dark blob into a super powerful stalker boss.
Yux: You can tell all that by looking?
Gadd: Shut up, Yux.
Purple: Anyway, we were just in a place called Shadow Noah Island and Grubba was in charge. He and the Ancient Minister were apparently part of a 5-man group known as the Bowling Team of Doom. Do you know them?
Gadd: Oh yes, the Bowling Team of Doom… Five cunning masterminds trying to conquer or destroy Plit. What happened to the Ancient Minister and Grubba?
Purple: The Minister was crushed to death between two Thwomps by Dark Red, and Rufus ate Grubba.
Rufus: He’s still putting up a mild fight in my belly.
Gadd: Okay… Hmm… Well I have heard that Bill Gates was on a bowling team, and was also part of a villain group. He’s been supplying the team with Microsoft thingies to get people to stop buying Nintendo thingies!
Purple: Gasp!
Gadd: Yes, however you’re gonna kill him like the others.
Luigi: How?
Gadd: Take this Excess Express ticket! It’ll make a stop in Toad Town Station in five minutes, even though it should be over in Rogueport, and it should be making a stop at Bill Gates’ house. Now go!
P.T.: Why do you have to be so-
Gadd: GO!
Purple and Co. head to the Toad Town Train Station.
Toad Employee: Do you have a ticket?
Purple: Here.
Toad Employee: Have fun.
Purple gets on. Luigi’s about to follow when-
Employee: Ticket?
Luigi: I’m with him.
Employee: Sorry, you need your own ticket.
Luigi: What about when Mario did it? His partners didn’t need their own tickets!
Employee: This is real life, sir.
Luigi: …
Luigi hits him with a hammer and knocks him out. Then everyone hurries in and rushes to the engineer.
Luigi: GOGOGOGOGO!
Engineer: But-
Fin: GO!
Engineer: AAAHH!
He presses a button and pulls the thing and then the train starts taking off and heading to Bill Gates’s house. Meanwhile…
???: Bill’s minion, the fools are heading to Bill’s house! You must stop them!
??? 2: Okay. But why are you referring to yourself in the third person?
Bill Gates: Because Bill wants to!
Oh no! Bill Gates
somehow knew about the heroes heading to his house and has sent one of
his men to stop them! Will they beat this person and Bill Gates? I don’t
care!
Chapter 15: Days of Our Excess
Purple and Co. got to the outside of Shadow Noah Island and finally defeated Dark Red Bones. Now they’re on the Excess Express on their way to Bill Gates’s house to defeat him. How did the train get to Toad Town? Who is Bill Gates’s minion? Why does he refer to himself in the third person? I still don’t care!
Here’s the cabin
layout:
1. Zip Toad (real)
2. Remy Ratooey
(red Ratooey in shades)
3. Heff T. (still
onboard)
4. Goldbob’s
Family
5. Purple and
Co.
6. Dr. Shroob
7. A Mudkip
8. Flavio
9. Oh wait, they
don’t have a ninth cabin… Whatever.
P.T.: How long will this take?
Purple: The brochure about Bill Gates’s house says six days by train.
Everyone: …
P.T.: I’m going to the Train Hospital to see about this arm.
Fin: I’m gonna go pickpocket.
Luigi: I’m gonna see if the store is selling my book.
P.T., Fin, and Luigi leave.
Yux: I hate this train so I’m gonna see if I can sleep for six days.
Rufus: I’m gonna watch the mini TV.
Purple: And… I got nothing.
AND NOW FOR THE NEW FEATURE OF THIS CHAPTER… SUBCHAPTERS!
Existence: NOOOOOOOOO!!!
Chapter 15A: Days of Our Excess: Rufus Day (Day 1)
Rufus is sitting in Cabin 5, watching the mini TV, with Yux behind him, asleep in the bed.
Rufus: QUIT SNORING!
Rufus eggs Yux with… an egg.
Rufus: Now for my favorite channel!
He changes to the channel, but it’s been blocked.
TV Voice: Blockblockblockblockblockblockblockblockblockblockblockblock-
Rufus: What?!
Sorry, but your channel is too adult for Lemmy’s Land.
Rufus: NOOOOOO!!! I’ll just have to make my own show! Now where will I find a bunch of people willing to work for peanuts to make a TV show on a train?
Soon, everyone is rounded up in the Dining Cart.
Rufus: Thanks for gathering, Zip Toad, Dr. Shroob, and Flavio… Flavio? I thought you preferred the sea.
Flavio: I’m rich! Why not show it off by riding a fancy train?
Rufus: Whatever. So, we need a theme. Flavio?
Flavio: A documentary! About me!
Rufus: Lame! Dr. Shroob?
Dr. Shroob: A science show!
Rufus: Lamer! Zip?
Zip: A documentary! About me!
Rufus: Lamest! And the only reason I’m asking is because my idea is too adult! We need ideas.
Engineer: You should do a Sketch Show!
Rufus: We could… Shouldn’t you be driving?
Engineer: Shouldn’t you?
Rufus: No…
Engineer: Curses! Foiled again!
The engineer turns out to be Dick Dastardly! He then leaves to go do whatever.
Rufus: So who’s driving the train?
Everyone: … OH CRUD!
Everyone rushes over to the front cart.
Flavio: Relax! I can sail a ship, I can sail a train! Now where’s the anchor?
Rufus hits himself in the forehead.
Rufus: I could’ve had a V8. Wait, that’s not why I did that! Zip Toad! You were in plenty of train movies! You drive them!
Zip Toad: Those were stunt doubles!
Rufus: Of course! Dr. Shroob?
Dr. Shroob: Sorry, I have no arms.
Rufus: Of course you do!
Dr. Shroob: Yeah, I’m just lazy.
Rufus: Me too! Dang it!
Flavio: What? We just need an a-
Rufus: IT’S NOT A FREAKING BOAT!
Flavio: … What kind of watermelons have you been eating?
Dr. Shroob: Life does not revolve around the sea, moron!
Flavio: What?! FLAVIO HATES YOU ALL!
He runs off crying. Yux enters.
Yux: Was someone plagiarizing my line without me?
Rufus: No, go back to sleep.
Yux: Nah, I don’t think I will.
Rufus: We’re all gonna die, right?
Dr. Shroob: Not necessarily. I mean, trains usually stay perfectly on the tracks unless something interferes with them.
Rufus: Okay.
So everyone minds their own business, except for Zip Toad, who does action poses for no reason for hours on end. That night, Rufus is lying on the ground in a random cabin, holding his tongue stretched out, flicking it like a banjo string.
Goldbob: Sir, please get out of our cabin! You’re scaring the Missus!
Bub: Mommy, it’ll be okay!
Sylvia: SHUT UP, YOU MORTAL!
Bub: 00
Goldbob: … So yeah, get out.
Zip Toad rushes in.
Zip: RUFUS! THE TRAIN! THERE’S SOMETHING GOING ON!
Rufus: Zuh?
Rufus rushes to the front cart and looks out front.
Rufus: I don’t see it.
Zip Toad pulls out a flashlight and shines it at the tracks.
Rufus: A CLIFF?! HOW ON PLIT TO THE TRACKS LEAD TO A CLIFF?!
Zip Toad: An excuse for a plot twist! Now fix it!
Rufus: Uhhh, I got it! I knew these Star Chips would come in handy!
He puts the Chips together and it forms a Launch Star that launches him through the window and to the other end of the cliff on the tracks.
Rufus: I’m gonna regret this, I know it.
Rufus sticks his tongue out and wraps it around a rail sticking out over the edge, then with some more tongue, wraps it around the other one and keeps going until he’s eventually formed a track made out of his tongue that covers the gap. The train then rolls over it and then runs Rufus over, but for some reason his tongue is caught on the handrails on the platform on the back. Rufus is being dragged painfully.
Rufus: (Owwww… You’d think this would be the sort of thing that would happen to Yux! Except he doesn’t have an elastical tongue. Is “elastical” a word? Hmm, I should really find that out. What was I saying again?)
Purple walks out.
Purple: I thought I heard about someone being dragged by his tongue.
Rufus: JETH HEP ME! (Just help me!)
Purple presses a button on Rufus’s tongue and Rufus is reeled in like how a tape measurer works. He unwraps his tongue and plops him down on the platform.
Purple: I’m not taking you to the Train Hospital.
He returns to whatever he was doing.
Rufus: … Owwww…
Chapter 15B: Days of Our Excess: P.T. Day (Day 2)
P.T. spent the first day in the Train Hospital, but it wasn’t mostly getting himself fixed up. Instead he played Monopoly with the nurse, which took up most of the day. He walks out of the Train Hospital, with gauze wrapped in elastic tape around his right wrist, but his sleeve is still burnt.
P.T.: I’m bored!
Remy Ratooey: Hey guy, did you hear about the Yoshi that saved the train yesterday?
P.T.: No. Did you hear that I got a monopoly on Boardwalk and Park Place and still lost?! That’s the kind of thing I’d think would happen to Yux! This is almost as bad as that time all the farm animals tried to sue me!
Flashback!
P.T. is in a court room with a bunch of farm animals. Kind of like that one episode of Malcolm in the Middle.
Judge Cow: Order! Order in my court! The Union of Farm Animals finds Peter Tarantula Piranha accused of multiple charges… of murder! What would the prosecution like to say?
Prosecutor Li’l Oink: Your honor, we found some photos of the accused in the act he is accused of. I’ll warn you, they’re a little graphic.
He then proceeds to show slides of bacon and eggs, ham, Thanksgiving turkey, and hamburgers, all of which are being eaten by P.T.
Prosecutor Li’l Oink: And those are just the ones we found in the last three days!
P.T.: Is anyone else getting hungry?
Chicken in the gallery: He has no remorse!
Judge Cow: Thanksgiving was three months ago. Why were you eating Thanksgiving Turkey recently?
P.T.: Why not?
Judge Cow: Ugh, you make me sick to my stomachs! How does the Jury find him?
Jury Sheep (plural, not singular): GUUUUUUILTY!
P.T.: Hey, they’re just saying the same thing because they’re sheep! … You’re my lawyer! Say something!
Chicken Lawyer: Bawk bawk bawk! Bawk.
P.T.: That’s not what you said in the hallway!
Judge Cow: I hereby sentence the accused to be lightly seared and served with a dipping sauce! I’d suggest Cajun peppercorn.
Animals then start stampeding towards P.T.
P.T.: Slim!
Slim (the Pixl) appears and makes P.T. thin so they all run by, then P.T. and Slim leave in a hurry.
End flashback!
P.T.: I’ll never forget that day.
Remy: … I’m not talking to you anymore.
Out of boredom, P.T. heads to Cabin 7, to find a Mudkip.
P.T.: What?
Mudkip: I herd
you liek me.
(Note to readers:
Bad spelling on purpose.)
P.T.: I do? Listen, my flashback took up lots of space and I’m really confused, so I’m going now.
P.T. leaves the room after learning… nothing at all…
Chapter 15C: Days of Our Excess: Luigi Day (Day 3)
Luigi spent the first day arguing with the sales stall owner about not selling Super Luigi, and then spent the second day arguing some more. Let’s see how he’s doing.
Luigi: I’m telling you! I’m famous in the Rogueport Area, so why not expand?
Salesman: I’m sorry, but you’re too unpopular. In fact, I’m being paid to not sell them!
Luigi: WHAT?! But this train is technically outside of the Mushroom Kingdom now! Why can’t you sell it now?
Salesman: Because I’m a jerk.
Luigi: Ah.
Luigi Thunderhands him, which is kind of like using a taser.
Salesman: Sir, if you don’t stop attacking me, we’ll have every right to throw you out the window!
Luigi: Oh come on! Just read my story, I happen to have a copy of it with me.
And so the salesman reads Luigi’s story.
Salesman: Wow. I think I just got dumber.
Luigi: Dang it!
Chapter 15-
Luigi: What?! That’s it?!
Well you basically spend the whole day arguing, and that’s really going nowhere.
Luigi: Dang it! This is the kind of ripoff that I’d expect to happen to Yux!
Speaking of Yux…
Chapter 15D: Days of Our Excess: Yux Day (Day 4)
Aside from that one moment during Day 1, Yux was basically asleep the entire train trip. Wow. But today he won’t be doing that.
Yux is asleep until a sound of a Bob-omb shootout ending in an explosion outside wakes him up.
Yux: Dang it! Wait ‘til I get my hands on whoever did that!
Yux goes into Cabin 4, right next to his.
Yux: ALL RIGHT! WHO BLEW UP?!
Goldbob: Shh! If the missus wakes up from her beauty nap, she’ll blow up and we’ll all die! And not because of the explosion. Or at least not just because of it.
Yux: Well someone blew up and it interrupted my beauty nap! Or boredom nap, I should say.
Goldbob: You sure it wasn’t just that Bob-omb shootout we passed?
Yux: What on Plit would they do that for?
Goldbob: I don’t know I’m just a filthy rich Bob-omb! Now go before the missus finds out you’re here!
Suddenly, Sylvia wakes up.
Sylvia: AAAAAHHH!!! BURGLAR!
Her fuse starts lighting up.
Bub: Mommy, no!
(Cory in the House reference, whoop-dee-doo.)
Goldbob: LOOK WHAT YOU DID!
Yux: AAAHHH! RANDOMIZE!
He glows and stops.
Yux: The good news is…
A bucket of water appears out of nowhere and knocks Sylvia out, halting the burning of the fuse.
Yux: Bad news…
Goldbob and Bub’s fuses start lighting up.
Yux: OUTTA HERE!
But it’s too late; they both explode, which somehow lights Sylvia’s fuse and then she explodes. Yux comes out of the room, covered in soot, coughing out smoke. He then plops down on the ground, unconscious. Then he’s trampled by all the other passengers on their way to lunch, even though most of them shouldn’t have a reason to cross through this hall. However Heff T. is STILL on the train but too fat to leave, Rufus is still lying in pain in the 6-8 cart, and the Bob-ombs are all dead and/or unconscious.
Chapter 15E: Days of Our Excess: Fin Day (Day 5)
Fin spent the first four days picking random pockets, and has come up with 3 coins, a Kit Kat Bar that’s half melted, and a Pianta Token.
Fin: Hmm. I haven’t robbed from Cabin 3 yet.
Fin goes into Cabin 3.
Heff T.: OH NO, ARE YOU GONNA ROB ME?!
Fin: Uh, no.
Heff T.: Oh. Okay then. I’m gonna stand here and stare into space, thinking about food.
Fin: (Perfect!)
Fin sneaks over and reaches into his pocket, but when he pulls it out, it’s covered in honey.
Fin: (What the-?)
Fin reaches into a different one and it comes out covered in melted chocolate.
Fin: (OH MY DAD! Wait a minute…)
He sticks his tongue out to lick the chocolate, but it’s gone bad. Same for the honey.
Fin: (This guy is insane! I’ve gotta get outta here!)
Fin tries to run off, but his honey hand pulls him back and snaps him into Heff T. In fact Fin starts sinking into the sea of fat! Fin wakes up minutes later in some weird environment full of blobby skin.
Fin: Where am I?
Twilighter: Welcome. Welcome to the Heff Zone.
Fin: Where’s that?
Twilighter: Everyone who fell victim to Heff T.’s massive obesity ends up here. We’re lost inside his enormous amounts of skin.
Fin: OH MY DAD! THIS GUY’S GIVING ME NIGHTMARES! You’d think something like this would happen to Yux!
Blue Toad: Hey, is there a new person here? All right! Hey guy, you stay in that place, I’ll stay in my area, and we won’t have any problems!
Fin: How many people are lost in this place?!
Twilighter: We’ve formed two baseball teams in here, complete with audiences, umpires, and whatnot. We could use a hotdog guy, you know. We have enough meat that missed Heff T.’s mouth when he tried to eat it.
Fin: I’ve gotta get out of here!
Twilighter: There’s no escape. One person tried to escape, but we never saw him again.
Fin: Hmm. IDEA!
Fin pulls out “his” half-melted Kit Kat Bar. Meanwhile…
Heff T.: … CANDY!
He reaches inside his massive fat to try to find it, but he has to go in there himself, so he curls up into a giant ball of skin and somehow now he’s inside his massive fat, and everyone else is free.
Twilighter: FREEDOM! YOU ARE MY HERO! I’d thank you, but my kind doesn’t believe in happiness.
Fin: Can I have your money?
Twilighter: No.
Fin: That’s okay I already stole it.
Twilighter: What was that?
Fin: Nothing.
Chapter 15F: Days of Our Excess: Purple Day (Day 6)
Purple spent the first five days cleaning up after basically everyone, behind the scenes. However, today, he’ll discover that the last leg of the trip to Bill Gates’s house won’t be as easy as planned…
Purple is dragging Rufus to the Train Hospital.
Purple: I can’t believe you’ve just been lying there for five days! What is up with you?
Purple throws him in there, and as he turns around to head to his cabin, a laser is shot that just misses him.
Purple: Huh?
Purple turns around to find a person walking to the back of the train.
Purple: Hey!
He starts chasing after him. He finds the conductor out cold next to the open door to the storage room. Eggs. Purple follows- Wait, what did I just say? Oh well. He follows the stranger out to the back platform and climbs up the ladder. He follows him.
Purple: Who are you?! (Hmm, this random attack is the sort of thing I’d expect to happen to Yux.)
???: I am Bill Gates’s Top Warrior! He sent me to make sure you never reach his house! And I’m an amazingly slow runner in this story, so it took me until today to reach you!
Purple: Why do you bad guys always have to go on with a speech about why you’re here and then some justification for something stupid?! I just want to know your name!
???: I was building up to it for dramatic effect! I am… MASTER CHIEF!
Purple: Master Chief?!
Master Chief: Yes! Master Bill will get mad if I don’t kill you, so die! And be warned, the author doesn’t play Halo, so all my attacks might just be what he makes up!
Master Chief starts shooting lasers at Purple. An Arwing flies by and lowers next to Purple. A window opens.
Peppy Hare: Do a barrel roll!
The Arwing then flies away.
Purple: What? Sure, why not?
Purple runs towards Master Chief and rolls around, dodging the lasers. He eventually reaches Master Chief and sweeps his foot with his axe, and MC falls onto his back.
Purple: Now let’s see who you really are, Master Chief!
Purple removes the helmet to reveal-
Purple: Ew! No wonder you wear a helmet!
He puts it back on. MC gets up and tries to smack Purple with a laser rifle, but Purple blocks with his axe. But MC prevails and blasts the axe far away, sticking in the ground when it lands.
Chef Shimi: An axe licking in the ceiling? I mean STICKING! An axe sticking in the ceiling? Odd.
Purple: Oh great.
Voice: Bading-hap!
Rufus suddenly comes down on MC, ground pounding him.
MC: That shouldn’t hurt with all my armor!
Rufus: I’m that awesome!
MC: Oh yeah?!
The two start fighting, leaving Purple to head to the front, where he grabs the axe. He then runs up and does a jump strike on MC. Suddenly P.T. appears.
P.T.: Now for the P.T. Arrow!
He removes his elastic gauze thing and gets inside it so he’s like an arrow and the elastic thing is like a bow, and launches himself at MC, knocking him a few miles away.
P.T.: My head hurts. At least my arm is fully healed out of nowhere.
Rufus: Just like me. At least Yux didn’t heal faster than us. That’d be embarrassing.
Conductor: GET OFF THE ROOF, YOU MORONS!
Purple, P.T., and Rufus: 0_0
Soon, everyone is in Cabin 5.
Intercom: BING! BONG! BING! BONG! Attention passengers, we are coming up to the legendary Bill Gates’s domicile. If you want to get off, jump out the window ‘cause we’re not stopping.
Soon, the heroes and Flavio jump out the window.
Rufus: Flavio?
Flavio: I’m sick of trains!
Flavio leaves.
Purple: Ha! Finally, after almost a week, we are finally here! By the way, Fin, what happened to you on the fifth day?
Fin: Sorry, it was so terrible I erased it from my memory.
Rufus: Now let’s get to Bill Gates!
Everyone starts charging towards the front gates.