(Anti-)Heroes

By P.T. Piranha

Chapter 19: A Percentage

The “screen” is black, and the title name appears in white letters. Meanwhile, Gadd is in a cell in Dunder Mifflin. Mimi rushes in, in spider form and changes back.

Mimi: Dad, I’m sorry! I tried to come back for you but then they caught me.

Gadd: You’re not my daughter. Go away.

Mimi: Dang it!

Mimi turns back into Ms. Mowz.

Ms. Mowz: Ironically, Mimi is the shape shifter in Super Paper Mario.

Mr. Game & Watch comes in.

Mr. Game & Watch: Beep! Beep honk!

Gadd: Hmm… That depends, how was your book’s ending?

Mr. Game & Watch: Beep!

Gadd: Then I don’t want to read it!

Mr. Game & Watch: Ringringringring!

Gadd: Why did I turn?! You wanted me to betray Mimi!

Mr. Game & Watch: Honk!

Gadd: Too close? Sloppy? If anyone’s sloppy, it’s you utilizing that transformer!

Mr. Game & Watch: Ring!

Gadd: Oh don’t give me this “You’re on death row” routine! If you wanted to kill me, you would.

Mr. Game & Watch: Beep, beep ring!

Gadd: You’re going to get your book?

Mr. Game & Watch and Ms. Mowz leave. It’s funny, both names start with beginnings of proper nouns. Meanwhile, Bleck and Don Pianta are walking through a hall of Vincent’s paintings. P.T. is following, taking pictures.

Don Pianta: No flash photography!

P.T.: Sorry.

Don Pianta: Anyway, Bleck, I like to protect this art from the outside world.

Bleck: You’re a criminal, you know.

Don Pianta: No, I just want to help the world! And I need you to do that!

Bleck: Like you know how to heal!

They come up to the curator’s desk from before and find a dying flower. He waves his hand over it and it’s healed.

Bleck: … OH COME ON, YOU HAVE A POWER TOO?!

Meanwhile, Toad is wiped out on the floor in a cell in Dunder Mifflin. But he hears thoughts from Gadd.

Gadd: (Toad! Get up! Toad! Come on! Now! Do it! Get up!)

Toad wakes up.

Toad: Huh?

Gadd: (Okay, you’re up. Game & Watch is about to take you into the examination room. Get out or you’ll never see your wife again. Now if you can hear me, bang on the wall.

Toad bangs on the wall.

Toad: … OW!

Gadd: (Now do everything I say. Okay?)

Toad: Ugh, fine…

He bangs his fist on the wall with his unhurt hand to signal that he agrees to it.

Toad: GAAAH!

Meanwhile, the count-to-be and the mobster come up to a portrait of Yoshi saving a girl. Probably the one from early in the story when he finally convinced Kamek he had a power.

Don Pianta: I know you’re friends with him. Tell him I want my egg back.

Bleck: He needs to save the world! … Gee, lots of people need to save the world all of a sudden.

Don Pianta: All these artists are looking for a brighter future.

Bleck: … Are you totally ignoring that one of a mushroom cloud?

Don Pianta: Oh, it’s a brighter future all right. When I found my power, I found others like me and we all did well but some of them lost their way. I’m not supposed to say this, but since the author doesn’t know if he’ll make a sequel or not and hasn’t even watched Heroes, I’d think it’s safe to say I’m referring to the Group of 12. We needed something to pull it down on course. Something big. Oh, and ignore that Group of 12 remark.

Bleck: Yeah, that explosion is big… But it’ll wipe out half of Mushroom City easy. Oh, and you just spoke a lot, man!

Don Pianta: I just got off the phone with Morton. Anyway, I majored in math so I can tell you that “half of Mushroom City” is less than .07 percent. That’s a percentage of course. I’m pretty sure that’s acceptable! You can use this explosion to rally everyone together with a common goal! Let me just bribe you again.

They turn to find a portrait of Bleck on the throne in Mushroom Castle.

Bleck: You do know that the person exploding is my best friend Dimentio, right?

Don Pianta: Hey, he’ll play his part!

Bleck: You’re insane!

P.T.: Aren’t we all insane?

Bleck: GET OUT OF HERE!

P.T.: Fine, all this is boring anyway. And the Pianta talks too much!

He leaves. Bleck then decides to leave, too. Meanwhile, Toad is unsuccessfully removing a pipe connector.

Gadd: (Come on! Oh, and there are footsteps. Let me know when you knock the guard out.)

Toad: I’M WORKING ON IT!

He finally breaks it off, as a guard is opening the door. Meanwhile, over in Gadd’s cell…

WHACK! THUMP!

Gadd smiles. Meanwhile with Toad…

Gadd: (Now grab his pass and go into the hall!)

Meanwhile, there’s a repeat of the last scene with Dimentio and King Boo. Everything goes the same until suddenly Dimentio’s cuts heal and the vim starts coming back in.

King Boo: Wha?

Dimentio: GAAA!

King Boo goes flying back due to Dimentio’s manipulation of The Force. King Boo flies into a glass bookcase and Kooper falls to the floor. Dimentio then turns invisible.

King Boo: Ooh, I want that power!

King Boo starts listening and hears breathing. He then uses The Force to throw glass shards, and they all start floating somewhere. Dimentio reappears with the glass in him.

Dimentio: Ow!

Kooper then shells into King Boo as Dimentio falls, knocking King Boo out. He then goes to check Dimentio’s pulse.

Kooper: Oh no, he removed your arms so now you just have hands! … Oh wait, you’re always like that.

He continues to check his pulse. He’s dead. Meanwhile in Dimentio’s Mom’s mansion (I changed it from an apartment to a mansion, live with it), Mimi sees a portrait of Dimentio and Bleck. Dimentio’s Mom shows up.

Dimentio’s Mom: That’s from Bleck’s wedding. I don’t really know why it was painted, but Dimentio insisted.

Mimi: Wait, does this mean Dimentio’s my uncle?

Dimentio’s Mom: Well, no. He might as well be since he and Bleck are close enough that you’d think they’re brothers, so maybe in a sense. But no. He didn’t know of this sort of metaphorical relation when he met you. However, I knew you since birth. Your birth, not mine. If it were mine that’d be weird.

Mimi: Okay… Wait, you let my dad think I was dead?!

Dimentio’s Mom: I was protecting you!

Mimi: I never even got to meet my dad or my metaphorical uncle!

Dimentio’s Mom: And they’re nothing to you!

Mimi: I’m not going to Loopdeloop!

Dimentio’s Mom: Would you rather go to Loopdeswoop?

Mimi: NO!

Dimentio’s Mom: Then I’m taking you! To Loopdeloop!

P.T.: Mrs. Nolastname, after that will you take me to the grocery store? Kool’s dying and I need to pour some more mix into him to keep him alive. Again.

Dimentio’s Mom: Who are you?

P.T.: Weeeellll….

P.T. runs away. Meanwhile, King Boo comes to and finds no one in the room. He sees the desk and laptop destroyed.

King Boo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

He then finds Vincent’s sticky note with his address. Meanwhile Vincent collects some pages from around his studio.

Vincent: The editor needs this ASAP.

Messenger Goomba: The new Luigi’s House of Horrors? I can’t wait to see what happens to Yoshi!

Vincent: It’s the last copy, BTW.

He puts the pages in an envelope. One of them is a hand jabbing a syringe into a neck.

MG: What happens to Yoshi?

Vincent shows him a black and white picture of Yoshi on Bob’s dad’s roof with the caption, “Yoshi in the future”.

Vincent: Wanna know how I come up with this future stuff? It’s a gift. Speaking of which…

Vincent goes to his sketchbook and rips out the picture of Bob in the rain with an umbrella annoying Dimentio by not sharing. He gives it to the MG.

Vincent: It may be worth something someday.

MG: Thanks, dude!

Vincent: Oh!

He gives him a picture of a donut.

Vincent: That too.

MG: … Okay….

Meanwhile, Tatanga is carrying lots of bags to the car in their front lot and Elder is following. I’m guessing that he thinks his wife is acting like her sister for a reason.

Tatanga: After everything he did to us, you’re helping him?

Elder: Everything I’ve done was for Shroob.

Tatanga: Riiiiiiight… I’m leaving, and I’m taking Shroob too!

Elder: He’s my son, too! Well technically my nephew-

Tatanga: Everywhere you go, people die!

P.T.: I never die!

Tatanga: You’re not in this scene.

P.T. leaves.

Tatanga: You didn’t turn into Elder, you’ve turned into Shroobsworth! Your dad, not mine. And I’m not going to let you do to Shroob what your dad did to you! And I’m definitely not letting you use my cell phone either! I’m losing minutes, woman!

A limo pulls up.

Pianta Mobster: Mrs. Shroob? The Don would like to see you.

Tatanga: (to Elder) You can say goodbye to him tonight.

Meanwhile Toad’s walking through a hallway, still being led by Gadd’s thoughts.

Gadd: (Get a coat from the janitors’ closet.)

Toad opens the closet’s door.

Janitor Snifit: I can clean this place… for a fee…

Toad: …

He closes it.

Mr. Game & Watch: Beep!

Someone Else: The order came down?

Toad ducks behind a barrel as Mr. Game & Watch and a Koopa walk by. The Koopa’s here solely so you can understand Mr. Game & Watch in scenes where he’s supposed to be by himself.

Mr. Game & Watch: Ringringringring!

Koopa: You’re telling me we need to move Gadd, Toad, and Koopa? And to do Koopa first so he won’t blow up?

They pass and Toad gets back up. He gets a thought from Gadd.

Toad: You want to do WHAT?!

Soon, Toad moves a card through a reader and releases Bowser Koopa.

Bowser: What are you doing here?

Toad: Not a day passes where I don’t ask that same question.

Bowser: I meant in this building.

Toad: Oh. I’ll tell you later. But we gotta get out of here! Gadd has a plan-

Bowser: But I hate him!

Toad: TOO BAD!

An alarm goes off. For fun, I’ll describe it to you: It’s the one that goes off when Megaleg is activated. Meanwhile, Dimentio’s Mom opens the door to find Kooper.

Kooper: Mrs. Nolastname, I have bad news about your son… He died…

Dimentio’s Mom: Oh no!

Kooper: …in Super Paper Mario.

Dimentio’s Mom: Oh, that old incident. That was nothing.

Kooper: But then he died for real trying to save me.

He puts Dimentio’s body on the table.

Dimentio’s Mom: Get out.

Kooper leaves. Mimi comes downstairs and sees him.

Mimi: !

Dimentio’s Mom starts crying over her son. Meanwhile, Elder comes into the art gallery with a Koopatrol. He then leaves. Don Pianta comes in.

Don Pianta: Hello, fearsome Elder Princess Shroob. Hello… um, not as fearsome Princess Shroob. Anyway, I need a favor. Give me a dollar.

Elder gives it to the Don.

Don Pianta: Ha! You fell for it! Now for the real favor… I’d like to borrow your son-

Elder: No.

Don: No, no, he’s just putting a plan back into place! Oh, and I was planning on using him as a fake son for a father-son barbecue and finally show Neville (the bookish father) who’s the boss when it comes to relay races! … But yeah, the plan in plac-

Elder: No.

Don: I’m not gonna do anything! And it’s only for a few day-

Elder: No.

Elder walks out. Meanwhile, Toad and Bowser are still together and Toad is still hearing thoughts.

Toad: He says to do something to the power grid! Produce an electromagnetic pulse! Focus all your energy! Not hot, but bright.

Bowser: What else?

Toad: I shouldn’t stand next to you.

Toad runs off as Bowser focuses and a wave of electricity comes off of him and causes all the power to go off. Toad comes back.

Toad: All right, now to save Gadd!

Bowser: But-

Toad: We need him to topple this insane organization! Listen, you seem to be fighting to live, and you wouldn’t be without Gadd!

Bowser: Fine…

Soon they let him out.

Gadd: That was better than I thought.

Meanwhile, Bleck enters the mansion of Dimentio’s mom.

Bleck: Mrs. Nolastname?

Dimentio’s Mom (off-screen): In here.

Bleck enters the doorway to find a bunch of muscular men tanning and jumping off diving boards with party music playing.

Bleck: … What?

Dimentio’s Mom (off-screen): Other doorway.

Bleck leaves and goes through the other to find Dimentio’s body sprawled out on a table. He rushes over.

Bleck: Oh no! What do we do?!

Dimentio’s Mom: We should hide it until after your election.

Bleck: That’s… too much.

Mimi sadly enters.

Bleck: Mimi?

Mimi: What? I just wanted to see him!

Dimentio’s Mom: Let her have her moment.

She and Bleck leave. She starts going on about him being like her and making her feel safe and whatnot. She then notices glass sticking in his head.

Mimi: Ooh, that probably shouldn’t be there.

She pulls it out and Dimentio starts healing. His mom and Bleck hear this and come in.

Dimentio: You saved my life.

Mimi: Now we’re even.

Later, Dimentio is in Bleck’s home office (in Castle Bleck) looking at the piece of glass.

Dimentio: What should I do with this?

Bleck: I’d sell it online. Anyway I’m glad you’re alive, I don’t know who I am without you, Menti.

Dimentio: …

Bleck: I know, that was kinda sappy.

Dimentio: Well at least I know I can’t die now.

Bleck: Zuh?

Dimentio: I got that super power from Mimi.

Bleck: You have a super power like hers? What if you explode, by the way?

Dimentio: That doesn’t matter. Talk to your daughter, she wants to know you.

Bleck: Eh, I’ll do it later.

Dimentio: But she’s your daughter! My mom wants to send her to the Loopdeloop Galaxy! She’s also the girl I saved in Diamond City! Save the transforming spider thingy-

Bleck: -Save the world. Save it for NBC.

Dimentio: And she is YOUR daughter! Everything I said is starting to happen. Right now to be specific. Maybe her presence will keep me from exploding! And maybe you can use her to get a discount on Father-Daughter day at the Chicken Shack and get me chicken!

Bleck: Hmm….

Dimentio’s Mom enters.

Dimentio: Mom, we need to talk to you.

Dimentio’s Mom: Yeah, I know.

Dimentio and Bleck: 0_0

Meanwhile, Gadd joins Toad and Bowser at a table in a Diamond City diner.

Gadd: Okay, they are indeed out of Pepsi, but they should be restocked in an hour, if we need to wait that long. Or we could have some Dr. Pepper. Personally, I want the Mountain Dew. And Toad, I checked, they will put the toy in your meal, but I had to pay them extra.

Toad: YES! Anyway, shouldn’t we try to hide?

Gadd: Nah, they wouldn’t try a public place.

Bowser: Well guys, it’s been real. But I’m leaving now.

Gadd: If you have that tracking system, you’ll never be safe.

Toad: Neither will Mimi. Be. Safe.

Gadd leans in.

Gadd: The tracking system is protected well but we can destroy it. We can end it!

Bowser: Where is it?

Gadd: Mushroom City. I have three tickets, and we’re leaving on the next bus.

Toad: Is that where Don Pianta is? I heard that name from Game and Watch. He was gonna send us to hi-

Gadd: Huh?

Toad: What, you didn’t know? You don’t even know who’s signing your checks?!

Bowser: RAAA!!! I can’t keep up with plot twists like this! What does this all mean?!

Toad: He’s a shlub. Like us. Except you, you’re a radioactive schlub.

Gadd: But he’s in Gritzy Desert! He apparently has to do with this more than I knew.

Toad: Then we should go there!

Gadd: No, we need to take out the tracking system. Plus that place has the only store that’s selling Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

Bowser: I’ve always wanted to go to Mushroom City!

Meanwhile, Shroob and Elder walk out of their house. There’s a black car and large SUV at the end of the driveway, featuring many Pianta gangsters.

Shroob: What’s going on?

Elder: The man you’ll meet will change everything.

Don Pianta walks up to Elder.

Don: I’d like to talk to him myself.

Elder goes to the side. Don Pianta squats down.

Don: (cheerily) Well hi there-

Shroob scratches his big nose with one of his claws.

Don: OW! THAT STINGS! SERIOUSLY! IT’S NOT BLEEDING OR ANYTHING, BUT STILL! OW! Oh well, all the little kids I’ve ever met in my life do that. Every last one. I’m not exaggerating. Anyway, how would you like to save the world?

Shroob: Okay.

With Elder’s approval, they get into the SUV with the Piantas and the Don gets into his car and they all leave. One Pianta is running down the street.

Pianta: Wait, you forgot me!

Suddenly, Elder changes into Ms. Mowz. Elder’s car pulls up.

Ms. Mowz: Nice car!

Elder: ?!

Meanwhile, Kooper is talking to Mr. Game & Watch in his apartment.

Mr. Game & Watch: Beep!

Kooper: Of course I made the right decision calling you. And anyway, I called for Gadd. Not you.

Mr. Game & Watch: Honk!

Kooper: He’s not part of your company any longer? And I need backup? But that’s not what I need! I just want someone to go after King Boo! He’s still doing this stuff!

Mr. Game & Watch: Ring!

Kooper: Work… together?

Meanwhile, Vincent is painting, and he comes out of his trance to see it’s a painting of King Boo floating over his dead body. Even though he’s a ghost so technically he’s already dead. He hears a noise and finds King Boo in the doorway.

King Boo: So you can paint the future.

Vincent: You’re late.

King Boo: So you know why I’m here?

Vincent: I told you, I don’t want your thin mints!

King Boo: … I’m not a Girl Scout!

Vincent: Oh, then you’re the one who’s gonna end my game.

King Boo: Right!

Nothing happens.

King Boo: Um, you’d usually scream at this point, see-

Vincent: The future’s too big for me. Maybe you can do better, I can’t fight it.

King Boo: Ooh, can you tell my fortune?

Vincent: They kill you. I’m not showing it to you though.

King Boo: Oh forget you!

King Boo uses The Force to throw Vincent and he lands on the floor, then King Boo uses paintbrushes to pin him down. Somehow Vincent is too stupid to remember that as a ghost he can go through walls.

Vincent: At least I did one good thing before my game over.

More brushes pin him.

Vincent: I’m gonna show them how to get rid of you and stop the bomb. So now I get to be a hero! Yay!

King: You know it’s awfully hard to kill you when you’re talking!

Vincent: Sorry. Okay, go ahead.

King Boo approaches as there’s a ticking sound for some reason and Vincent starts screaming. Meanwhile, a painting with brown paper wrapping is next to Bleck in his home office. Bleck picks up the glass shard from the incident with Dimentio and uses it to cut open the paper. It’s the painting with Bleck on the throne. He’s thinking about it when Mimi comes in.

Bleck: We really should’ve met under different circumstances, huh?

Mimi: All right, you don’t have to pretend to be nice.

Bleck: Oh, I’m not. I’d like to be there for you, but not now. To do good and help I need to win this election. I don’t know how being First Ever Mario Villain To Be A Count Instead Of A King Or Something will help, but…

Mimi: That’s a mouthful. So wait, you’re just gonna shove me away to another galaxy so the public won’t know about your other family?

Bleck: Wait! I had an honest relationship with Merlee, but then she died, or so I thought, so I moved on! It was completely real, thus family friendly! Besides, it’s just for one week. And Dimentio’s Mom will be there! She’s real… Uh… Well she warms up. Sometimes. Maybe if you give her chicken, since that’s where Dimentio’s obsession stems from.

Mimi: Then…?

Bleck: You can go back to Diamond City!

Meanwhile, King Boo is painting in a trance, but obviously he’s not as good as it as Vincent-

King Boo: Hey! I’m only a beginner!

GET BACK IN YOUR TRANCE!

King Boo: Sorry.

Anyway, it’s a copy of the throne room one with Bleck, but it’s in distorted color and style. Bleck is paler, has bigger ears (even though we can’t see his ears), and his hands are like claws. Vincent is on the ground, as dead and damaged as Yoshi found him in Chapter 2. We can see a painting of the rooftop after the bomb went off.

Meanwhile (five years later actually), Yoshi still has his egg and Kamek’s still wearing armor. They are on that rooftop.

Yoshi: I failed!

Kamek: Well now we have the egg! You can teleport us back and we can fix our mistakes!

Yoshi: But what did we do wrong? We must know!

Sakurai that’s five years older: You must recover!

Yoshi: … Mr. Vain Gor-ee will know what to do!

Kamek: “Van Gore”. Wait, he was dead when the bomb went off!

Yoshi: But in the past he was captured so he might live still!

They go into his studio and find it empty.

Yoshi: Hello?

There’s a large spiderweb with items pinned to it.

Kamek: Huh?

Yoshi: … Timeline maybe?

They look at the items on the web. One’s a picture of Mimi with “Save the transforming spider thingy” written beneath it. One is a clipping of Bleck with a headline that says “Our strength in dark times (maybe if we paid our electricity bills…)”. They then hear the sound of an egg being hatched.

Yoshi: Mistah Van Gore?

He pulls out the egg from before and an X appears on whoever appeared, and Kamek pulls out a wand. This person is… Future Yoshi!

Future Yoshi: You.

Yoshi: … Me?

Kamek: Him?

Read on!


 
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