Waluigi: A New Hope

By Jukilum

Chapter 1

It was a dark and stormy night. Then it was day again, and Waluigi was sitting outside on the porch. Mario could be seen blowing up Bowser's castle, Luigi was vacuuming ghosts, and Wario was speeding past in his car with a bag of coins next to him, with the police close behind him. Waluigi sighed and kicked a rock off of the porch.

"Nothing I can do," he said sadly. "Nothing I'm good for. Wario earns the money for this household while I just sit around. Mario is always so 'heroic', and that green guy, well, he doesn't do much either but at least he gets to do things sometimes."

Waluigi sighed again. He was just a good-for-nothing skinny lump. Wario's car passed again, police still chasing him. Waluigi went inside the house to watch TV.

Flipping through the channels, he saw Wario being chased by the police again. He reached his favorite channel, the one with the gameshow "Name that Hero".  He dreamed of being the featured hero, the one that everyone would love, the great-

The police officers that were chasing Wario came in, with Wario in handcuffs.

"This criminal says that you blackmailed him into stealing the money," said one of the Police Toads in an angry tone.

"What? Wario, why-" Waluigi cried in dismay.

A Police Toad grabbed Waluigi and handcuffed him. The brothers were forced into a police car. Waluigi glared at Wario, but Wario just
grinned in delight. In about 30 minutes they reached the courthouse, and Waluigi knew that luck wasn't on his side.

"First witness!" The judge called a young Toad up to the stand. "Where were you at the time of the robbery?"

"At my house."

"What were you doing when the robbery took place?"

"Watching the robbery take place."

"What did the criminal look like?"

"He was extremely fat, ugly, and angry."

"Hey!" Wario exclaimed.

"Sit down, you haven't been called up to the stand yet!"

"Aren't I supposed to already be on the stand?"

"I don't know, I'm just the fill in 'til the real judge gets back from his vacation on Isle Delfino!"

"Well what about him?!" Wario said, pointing at Waluigi.

"All in good time, my friend! We mustn't rush ourselves!"

Wario rolled his eyes.

"Next witness!" called the judge.

Mario went up to the stand.

"Where were you at the time of the robbery?"

"At Bowser's castle."

"What were you doing at the time of the robbery?"

"Beating up Bowser."

"What evidence do you have that the accused is rightfully accused?"

"Well, he was-a driving a car with a bag full of loot with the police following him!"

"Next witness!"

A Blooper goes to the stand.

"Oh, come on!" Wario shouted in annoyance.

"Where were you at the time of the robbery?"

"Bloop bloop."

"I see. What were you doing at the time of the robbery?"

"Bloopbloop, bloop bloopity bloop blooper."

"Ah, that explains everything!"

"You have got to be kidding me!" Waluigi said quietly.

"Wario is clearly not guilty. Case dismissed! Now for the next case, Waluigi, accused of blackmailing."

Waluigi groaned. "This is definitely not my day."

"Waluigi, get up to the stand and sit down."

"But Wario didn't have to-"

"Just do it! First witness!"

Francis comes to the stand, with a worried look on his face. "I've never actually talked to a judge before. Initiate francis2judge.exe"

"Francis, where were you at the time of the blackmailing?"

"Let's see... Select Locations > At my totally sweet pad"

"And what were you doing at the time?"

"Select Activities > Hobbies > Butterfly photographing"

"Hm... Did you happen to catch any signs of the accused in your photographing?"

"Select Evidence > Skinny Men > Search directory for Waluigi. Searching... Searching... Searching... Searching... Searching... Searching... Searching... Searching... Searching... 1 result found."

"Aha! A photograph that caught his black leg. Definitely enough proof that Waluigi is guilty. Case closed, court dismissed!"

Waluigi was appalled. "How does my leg prove anything?!"

"Black pants, blackmail, it all fits! Besides, I already dismissed the court."

"What about the jury?"

"We came on short notice, we didn't have time for such trivial things!"

Waluigi sighed as he was taken away to jail. Waluigi was once again shoved into the car. The ride seemed to go on for hours, and he had already sung the 100 bottles of Shroom Shake on the wall twice.

Wario laughed as he drove home, no one noticing that he took the bag of coins back.

It was another dark and stormy night. The next morning it was sunny outside, though Waluigi couldn't see it from his cell. It had been a rough night, and the jail was anything but comfortable. In the cell across from his there was a hooded figure who had not spoken a word since Waluigi arrived. He now slowly turned towards Waluigi, his face still hidden under his hood.

He took a set of keys out of his pocket and unlocked his own cell door. He walked carefully towards Waluigi's cell and unlocked it as well. The hooded figure continued down the line of cells, unlocking each door, similar figures coming from each cell. Waluigi did not remember seeing these people when he passed through before, and he curiously followed the group. Each of these cloaked figures received a set of keys and split up, going to rescue the rest of the group, Waluigi assumed. After a short while the group had increased to about 75 persons, all in identical hooded robes.

The leader turned around to look at Waluigi, stared at him for a moment, and said to him,

"We have been waiting for you. Put this on."

He handed Waluigi a robe identical to all of the others. He put it on, pulling the hood over his face as the others had done.

"Come. I will explain when we are out," the leader said in a soft voice.

Waluigi followed the leader to the entrance of the jail. They came up to a guard. Waluigi hung back, but the leader continued on, tying up the
guard. Waluigi saw the guard glare at him as they passed.

Outside it was another dark and stormy night. The group all seemed to know where they were going, so he followed along, still not knowing
where he was going.

All of a sudden, Waluigi noticed that the group of 75 had turned into a group of 10. He stopped walking for a moment. That moment was just
enough for the rest of the group to trip him. He landed on the cold, hard cement, and he could feel his hands and feet being tied together.

Waluigi managed to knock over the ones at his hands, and when they hit the ground their hoods lifted to reveal them as Mario and Luigi! Waluigi kicked away the two at his feet and attacked another, flipping them down to the ground.

Mario and Luigi got back up, but Waluigi had grabbed the rope he was being tied up with and tied them to a lamp post. Seven others dived at him. With a struggle Waluigi managed to knock another four off, but he didn't catch who they were. He made a great lunge at one of the group, but before he could stop he saw a bag being held open, and he ran straight into it. The last thing he saw of the scene was the closing of the bag, which left him in pure darkness.

"I got 'im!" shouted a voice outside.

"Great!" shouted another.

"Untie the Bros," said a third voice

Waluigi could hear this happening, but was still trying to get his body into a natural position in the bag, which for him was no easy task.

"How does the boss-a know that this is the one?" Mario could be heard saying.

"He's the one, all right," said the first voice.

"How could it be anyone else?" stated another.

"Yeah," another agreed. "Who would get plastic surgery to look like him?"

The group laughed, and Waluigi groaned.

"How did you manage to get these costumes on such short notice?" asked the third voice.

"It was-a- not as short-a notice as you think," stated Luigi.

"Well," said the first voice again,"at least we know that we took out the most vital part of their plan. Pretending to be one of them may have
been a chore, but we are way ahead of them now, because they think they've still got their hero Waluigi with them."

Waluigi felt a little happiness inside (inside the bag, and inside himself) for the first time in months.

Read on!

Comments, suggestions, stories, or story ideas? Email me!
Go back to Lemmy's Fun Fiction.
Go back to my main page.