Bowser: Houston, we have a problem!
Morton Sr: It’s Dad, not Houston.
Bowser: Sorry, I was fuzzy for a moment there.
Morton Sr: How will we get to Princess Peach now, you idiot?!
Bowser: Uh, there is a way… but it’s hidden.
Sr: Do you know the way?
Bowser: Of course I do! I rule this place for a reason, you know!
Sr: Show the way…
Meanwhile…
Mario: Ow! My back!
Mario gets up and hears a snap.
Mario: That’s better!
Luigi: This is worse than that time when we played golf with Toad.
(Flashback)
Mario: Toad, it’s just a game!
Toad: Yeah Mario, it’s just a game- Oops. I moved the ball- Oops, I messed up again- Oops, oops, EAGLE! Forget that happened, just count an Eagle! YAY TOAD! #%^#*%^$$#&$^*$#&!!!
While Toad talks he intentionally messes up his putt and does it several times until the golf ball falls into the hole. Toad then breaks the putter by having his foot smash it while he is holding it up with his hands on each end. Luigi slaps his hand to his face.
Luigi: You’ve got to be kidding me!
(Flashback over)
Larry: Guys!
Mario Bros: Sorry!
Iggy: We have the Shroob Princess, one of her minions, and this pie I found on the ground.
Larry: Where did you get that?
Iggy: Found it!
Iggy eats the pie.
Princess Shroob: Um, where are we going?
Mario: Remember that castle you took over? We’re going there.
Princess Shroob: Oh.
Shroob: #$^##$^ %*&W%*#! (Mario’s a total idiot! He’ll get us lost!)
Luigi: No sign of the Nimbis.
Mario: We’ll have to leave them; they’ll find a way out.
Larry: Which way do we have to go?
Mario: I know a hidden passage to Peach’s castle, but it’s secret.
Iggy: How do you know such things?
Mario: I’ve been coming here a lot for a reason.
Luigi: I feel somebody said something similar to what Mario just said.
6 and ½ hours later…
Bowser: Here’s the hidden entrance!
It has signs surrounding it that say hidden entrance. Inside is a tunnel with a roller coaster.
Bowser: In there is a machine! We just have to answer some questions. If we get one wrong we have to fight a monster. I don’t remember what because, I built this!
Morton Sr: Why did you put a secret entrance around it?
Bowser: I don’t know?
Morton Sr. sighs. Bowser walks up to the machine and presses a button.
Machine: Welcome to this place! If you want to pass you will answer 5 questions. Answer all 5 correctly and you may pass, but if you miss 1 you will fight a monster. If you defeat the monster you may pass.
The Jeopardy song starts playing.
Morton Sr: That show still runs?
Bowser: Yes!
Machine: Now, question 1! What is the first game Bowser appeared in?
Bowser: Super Mario Bros!
Machine: Correct! Question 2! What job does Mario have?
Bowser: Plumber!
Machine: Correct! Question 3! Who created the Mario franchise?
Bowser: Shigeru Miyamoto!
Machine: Correct! Question 4! Who is better, Kobe or Lebron?
Bowser: Lebron, definitely!
Machine: Correct! Question 5! Who is the greatest person ever?
Morton Sr: Morton Sr!
Machine: INCORRECT! ACTIVATE DEFENSE SYSTEM!
Alarms start ringing and a wall opens. Out of it comes Petey Piranha. Not only that, it’s a robot Petey! Let’s call it Robo Petey
Bowser: Dad! I said let me answer the questions!
Morton Sr: But I am the greatest!
Bowser: Never mind, let’s get rid of that… whatever it is!
Petey comes flying at Bowser.
Robo Petey: Eliminate targets!
Robo Petey fires a laser out of its eyes. Bowser rolls over and tackles Robo Petey. Bowser punches it, only to be hurt by its hard shape.
Bowser: OW! This thing is rock solid!
Morton Sr: You use your head, Son! Not brute force!
Bowser: I don’t remember this thing’s weakness!
Morton Sr. pulls out his poison sword and stabs it at Robo Petey. It bounces off. Bowser Petey slams Bowser into the wall. Bowser hits his head, and remembers.
Bowser: Wait! Ludwig built this! So that means…
Bowser jumps into the air and plants a Bob-omb on Robo Petey’s back. Robo Petey struggles and the Bob-omb blows up, demolishing Robo-Petey.
Bowser: All of Ludwig’s inventions explode at some point!
Bowser starts dancing.
Bowser: Oh yeah! Who’s the king? I am!
Morton Sr: Good job, Son! Using your head!
Machine: You defeated the monster so you may pass!
The machine shuts down and the back wall opens, revealing a pipe.
Bowser: Here we go!
Bowser and Morton Sr. jump into the pipe. The wall then shuts again.
Meanwhile…
Luigi: Ok! Mario, we are lost!
Mario: I guess you’re right, Luigi! We are lost!
Shroob: @#&%$^#&^#^&^! (Called it!)
Iggy: My dad always speaks of a secret way to the castle.
Larry: Do you know where it is?
A shaking occurs and Mario is seen near the secret entrance.
Mario: What did I tell you?
Princess Shroob: You have quite some skill for a Plitling.
The six enter the room. The machine reactivates itself.
Machine: Welcome! If you want to pass you will answer 5 questions. Answer all 5 correctly you may pass, but if you miss 1 you will fight a monster. If you defeat the monster you may pass!
Mario: This is simple! A quiz!
Luigi: Begin then!
Machine: Now, question 1! What is the first game Bowser appeared in?
Mario: Super Mario Bros!
Machine: Correct! Question 2! What job does Mario have?
Mario: My own job! That’s easy! Plumber!
Luigi: You would have to forget to get that wrong!
Machine: Correct! Question 3! Who created the Mario franchise?
Mario: Shigeru Miyamoto!
Shroob: &#&#@^$%@$%... (Breaking the fourth wall…)
Machine: Correct! Question 4! Who is better. Kobe or Lebron?
Mario: I’d say Lebron!
Machine: Correct! Question 5! Who is the greatest person ever?
Iggy: I’ll give you a hint! Bowser designed this! Think what he would say.
Mario: Bowser! (Yeah right! Like Luigi and I would buy that crud!)
Machine: Correct! You answered all five questions correctly! You may pass!
Larry: Yes!
The machine shuts down and the back wall opens, revealing a pipe.
Mario: We go through!
Mario, Luigi, Iggy, Larry, Princess Shroob, and the Shroob jump in the pipe in that order. The six come out the other side. They are in a cave outside Toad Town.
Mario: Are we all ok?
Princess Shroob: REMEMBER OUR DEAL!
Princess Shroob grabs Mario and holds up a Shroob gun.
Mario: I remember! I’ll fix it as soon as we defeat father and son!
Princess Shroob slowly lets go of Mario and lowers her Shroob gun. The six walk out of the cave to see a decimated Toad Town. Koopa Tanks are everywhere; Toads are running, Troopas patrolling the streets.
Mario: We’re too late!
Luigi: Look!
An airship hovers above Peach’s castle as it shoots a chain at it. Bowser and Morton Sr. jump off the airship.
Bowser: The princess is in here!
Morton Sr: You’d better show the way; I haven’t been here in 20 years.
Bowser walks down a hallway and into the throne room. Peach is on her throne frightened, two Toad guards at her sides, Toadsworth at Peach’s left.
Toadsworth: Here’s why we hired them!
Bowser: Princess! I demand you come with me!
As Bowser talks, the remaining FBI agents form a pack in front of Peach. Morton Sr. gives a quick evil laugh.
FBI Leader: Target sighted! Destroy intruder!
They all hold up laser guns. Bowser puts his hands up, Morton Sr. just stands next to Bowser with a disgruntled look.
Bowser: We can talk about thi-
All the FBI agents fire their lasers, but Morton Sr. activates a reflector shield in front of Bowser, deflecting the laser beams back into the agents and they melt into ashes. Morton Sr. gives a brief grin and Bowser is in awe.
Morton Sr: Princess, you will come with me and my son!
Peach: Your son? Bowser is your son? So you must be… *Gasp…!*
Peach starts crying.
Peach: No! It’s you! You’ve come back! I will never surrender my throne to you.
(Flashback)
We see Peach’s castle many years ago. It is a very dark and stormy Thursday afternoon. The King, Toadsworth, Baby Peach, and Toadma are all in one room. The only entrance is a locked door being banged on.
King: Toadsworth, Toadma! Take the princess and take the secret passage to Yoshi’s Island!
Baby Peach is crying while Toadma is comforting her and Toadsworth is arguing with the King. Morton Sr. and several Koopas are banging down the door.
Morton Sr: Harder, men! I want to be home before dinner!
The door starts getting banged on harder. A hole is popped through.
Toadsworth: I won’t let you take Morton on alone! You and that Italian man won’t stand a chance against him! He’s too dangerous!
King: I can’t let the princess fall into Morton’s hands.
The King puts his hand on Toadsworth’s shoulder.
King: Take care of her! She is to be our next ruler! Take the secret passage in this room.
The King takes off his crown and hands it to Toadsworth.
Toadsworth: I will watch over her until my last breath.
Toadma lifts a chair and steps on a tile, revealing a hole in the ground opening up on the one next to the tile. The door breaks open and Koopa minions swarm the room. The King draws his sword.
King: Now!
Toadsworth nods and takes Toadma and Baby Peach into the sewers, but not before the Koopas bring down the door. Morton Sr’s face can be seen just before the party departs. Baby Peach cries at the sight of his face. The hole shuts.
King: Fight me, minions!
The Hammer Bros. aim their hammers.
Morton Sr: Stop!
The Hammer Bros. lower their hammers!
Morton Sr: Leave us! I will deal with him! Alone!
The minions leave…
(Flashback over)
Peach: You’re dead! I thought I never would have to deal you. You died several weeks before my father disappeared! No! You killed my father!
Morton Sr: No, Princess! I AM YOUR FATHER! (Outdated Star Wars reference)
Peach: What are you talking about? You’re not my father!
Morton Sr: Yes, you’re right! I just wanted to test you!
Peach: Why are you back?!
Morton Sr: Just for some fun! I FIGURED I’D DROP BY!
Peach: Look! The Mario Bros. will find you and get you!
Morton Sr: I already have a way to deal with them!
Bowser: Tie her up!
Two Hammer Bros. enter the room and tie Peach up. Morton Sr. grins as he pulls out a gun.
Morton Sr: Son, to the airship!
Shortly after…
Mario: Come on, we had a security system and now it’s ruined!
Iggy: Wait! You guys had a security system! Now we know the reason why Dad hasn’t been here in awhile.
Luigi: Yeah, well, we hired Real World security and it still doesn’t work!
Mario: They don’t understand Plit technology!
Princess Shroob: I’ll call the mothership.
Princess Shroob gets out her phone and dials a number. She says some things in Shroobish and puts it away.
Princess Shroob: They’re coming, it’ll be five minutes.
Mario: You go ahead! Luigi and I will head to the castle.
Mario and Luigi start running.
Larry: Wait!
Mario and Luigi stop running.
Larry: Iggy and I will come!
Luigi: All right! Hop on my back!
Iggy hops on Luigi’s back while Larry hops on Mario’s. The Mario Bros. rush though town, jumping on Troopas and Hammer Bros, and reach Peach’s castle.
Meanwhile inside the airship…
Goomba Captain: Lord Bowser! The Mario Bros. are here! They’re inside the castle! They’re looking for the princess!
Bowser grabs the loudspeaker and puts it to the Goomba’s ear and starts talking.
Bowser: Do I care? NO! We got what we wanted and now we’re leaving!
Bowser presses a button that fires Bullet Bills.
Mario: We heard that, Bowser, and now we’re going to chase after you!
Bowser: Wait, how do they know?
Luigi: You spoke through the loudspeaker.
Bullet Bills hit Larry and Iggy and knock them to the ground. Mario and Luigi go piggyback and Mario throws a hooked rope onto the back of the airship. They cling to the back of the airship.
Mario: Be careful! One of us could fall!
Behind Bowser there is a cage with Princess Peach inside.
Peach: Bowser! How many times does it take for you to learn your lesson>
Bowser: Princess, this time I kidnapped you because my father wants to meet you.
Morton Sr walks in and Peach snorts.
Morton Sr: I wish to speak to you, Princess!
Peach: If this is about my father, you’ll get nothing!
Morton Sr: Where is your father? Oh! That’s right, he’s dead!
Peach: This is like the 999th time Bowser kidnaps me, but the first I’ve seen you helping him.
Morton Sr: Kidnapped you? How many times has he done this?
Peach: 999 times! Mario and Luigi have saved me each time!
Morton Sr: Is this true?
Bowser: Yes!
Peach: I will never marry you! I mean, marrying Bowser is bad enough, but you’re 10 times as worse and 10 times as evil!
Morton Sr: I will ask you again at the castle! We’ll see how you react then!
Morton Sr. laughs evilly and walks out into the airship hallway. Bowser follows him.
Bowser: Look, Dad! I’m trying to get a message across to her that she has to give in one day.
Morton Sr. has an angry look on his face.
Morton Sr: SON! THIS IS A MESSAGE!
Morton Sr. pulls out his gun and shoots Bowser, causing him to fall off the airship. He lands outside the castle near Iggy and Larry. Morton Sr. pulls out a remote and presses a button, causing all the Koopa minions to be brainwashed and work for Morton Sr.
Morton Sr: Let me show you my true form, world!
Morton Sr.’s limbs start swelling, his horns, teeth and claws growing larger, his muscles bulging. His skin starts turning black and humanoid, and his eyes turning blood red.
Down on the surface, Iggy sees Bowser on the ground.
Iggy: Dad!
Larry runs with him to Bowser.
Larry: Dad! Wake up!
Bowser (in a faint voice): Iggy, Larr-ry, you- you-and- yurr-ss-siblings-wer-were-right-abbb-ab-about-DD- Dad. SSS-Subbb-connn…
Iggy: Sub-con?
Larry: Uncle Wart?
Iggy: Looks like we better head there!
Bowser looks up at the airship and sees Mario and Luigi on there before falling unconscious.
Wow, the story has gotten darker! Morton Sr. is some evil, dark creature after all! What will happen to the Mario bros, Iggy, Larry, and Bowser? A large alien saucer is chasing Morton Sr’s airship, so what will happen? Only time will tell…