Napkin Mario

By ducky.10

Now it's time for PART 3! Now, shut up and read the story! I don't wanna have to bust your kneecaps! I swear, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!! Now, on to Part 3! We now are with Peach, still held captive.

Chapter 8: Those Wascaly Shy Guys!

Peach: I'm bored, Twink. Let's go get some more dirt on Bowser.

Twink: Alrighty...

Luigi enters with Goombigi.

Luigi: Princess!

Peach: Luigi!

Goombigi: Princess?

Twink: Goombigi?

Goombigi: GOOMBIGI!

Luigi: Okay, let's stop continuously spamming each others' names. We have to escape so I can rescue you and win the bet!

Peach: Bet? What bet?

Luigi: The-

Peach: Cram it, greeny. It's time to go...

Peach grabs some black nail polish and puts two streaks of it across her cheeks as she rips off her dress, revealing a black turtleneck and a grenade-lined belt.



Luigi: Can I wear my Mr. L costume?

Peach: Yes.

Luigi: WOOHOO!!!

Twink: Well, count me out. I'm going to mock Mario.

Twink flies out the window.

Peach: Who was that guy?

With Mario...

Mario: Let's get going, then.

Bow: I suggest we go back through Forever Forest.

Mario: Why?

Bow: My ectoplasm is beginning to simmer.

Mario: And I care why?

Bow: Because I might die!

Mario: But you're already dead.


Mario: Fine.

They head back to Forever Forest, where they meet...

Jr. Troopa: *huff, puff, uff...* I'm... sorry, I was... four or five chapters late... Urf...

Mario: So, you've been chasing me over land and sea, just to get even with me, after I pushed you over? Okay, either you have issues, or you are just plain stupid.

Jr. Troopa: Shut up! Prepare to face... MY BAT WINGS!!!

Jr. Troopa floats into the air and bat wings spring out of his back.

Bow: EWWW!!!

Mario: Yuck!

Jr. Troopa: What?! It's cool!

Mario: I hate bats. And I hate you. What do you get when you blend them together?

Jr. Troopa: What?

Mario: You get Jr. Troopa Soup.

Jr. Troopa: OMG!!! NOOOO!!!

Jr. Troopa attempts to fly away but crashes into a nearby tree, which plucks off his bat wings and holds him captive in between the branches.

Jr. Troopa: AUGH! I'M STUCK!!!

As he is up there, all his Star Points fall out of his egg shell, directly into Mario's pocket.

Kooper: Hey, cool! Star Points!

Mario and his so-called "Party" members keep following the trail until they reach Toad Town, which seems FESTOONED with Shy Guys. There are Shy Guys robbing banks, Shy Guys dissing kids, and worst of all, there are Shy Guys whipping bowling balls at old people.


Mario pulls out his hammer and goes on a Shy Guy-slaughtering-tantrum. As he is doing so, he returns peoples' calculators, shoes, money, books, and... toes.

Toeless Mushroomer: Thanks!

Mario: I can't believe I touched those toes... Oh, hey, it's creepy old, carpet-clinging Merlon.

Mario walks over to Merlon, who is outside his house.

Merlon: What are you doing here?! Get offa my property! And that grass! I just planted that a week ago!

Mario: Again, I don't care.

Merlon: I had a weird dream!

Mario: AGAIN, I... DON'T... CARE.

Merlon: But it could help you!

Mario: Fine, what was it?

Merlon: Oh, like I'm gonna tell you! I don't even know you!

Mario: I'm Mario.

Merlon: Who?

Mario: The hero.

Merlon: Doesn't ring a bell.

Mario: The guy that ruined your carpet.

Merlon: What are you doing here?! Get offa my property! And that grass! I just-


Merlon: Fine, fine, fine. It said if you...

Mario: If I...?

Merlon: Run around...

Mario: Run around what?

Merlon: The red tree...

Mario: What red tree?


Mario: Fine...

Merlon: If you run around the red tree in Dry, Dry, Outpost, you get three wishes!

Mario: ... That's it?

Merlon: Yup. Do you like it? I feel it to be soothing...

Mario: Oh, yeah. I'm totally soothed out. You wanna know what's really soothing?

Merlon: I know! I know! Uh... Lighting a candle?

Mario: No.

Merlon: Hmm... Eating a cookie!

Mario: Yes, but not exactly what I was thinking of.

Merlon: Then what is it?


Mario runs into Merlon's house and tears his carpet to shreds.


Mario then leaves to Eastern Toad Town, where Twink crashes in front of him.

Twink: Ow...

Mario: You have a really bad habit of crashing into things.

Twink: Stuff some @#$% in it, you @#$%.

Mario: :O

Mario grabs Twink and boots him through Merlon's window.


Merlon: @#$%!!!

Mario then leaves deeper into town, and boots a few Shy Guys along the way. He then finds a peculiar house.

Bow: Go in there!

Mario: Why?

Bow: The Nintendo Power says to go in and turn invisible.

Mario: Fine.

Surely enough, they go inside and turn invisible. Suddenly, a Shy Guy enters.

Shy Guy: I'm a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie World...

Mario: Man, that song is stupid...

Shy Guy: Z0mG wH0 s4iD tH4t??/

Bow: Uh, no one did.

Shy Guy: Oh, never mind. That makes perfect sense, no one. Well, seeing as you're not here, I can reveal my secret door to the Star Spirit without no one knowing!

Bow: Gee, thanks.

Shy Guy: My pleasure, no one!

The Shy Guy then runs over to a wall and darts his mask around nervously.

Shy Guy: You're not looking, are you?

Bow: How can I? We're no one.

Shy Guy: Good point.

The Shy Guy then opens a door, seemingly covered with paint to make it look like it was part of the wall. He then steps in, and Mario and Bow become visible.

Mario: Gee, what a moron.

Bow: Like shooting a fish in a barrel.

They enter the door and find a springboard and a big box.

Mario: I swear to DAD, if this is Pandora's Box, I'm gonna toss it at Merlon.

Bow: I have Pandora's Box.

Mario takes it from her and whips it through Merlon's window.

Merlon: I JUST FIXED THAT- Hey, a present! I wonder what's inside-

Demons: MWA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!

Merlon: HOLY!!!

Mario uses the springboard and kamikazes into the box, which takes them to an abnormally large factory with Toads transporting Shrooms on conveyor belts.

Mario: OH... MY... GEEZE! I've found it...

Chapter 9: B34tInG T3h sHy GuY$!!!!!!111one

Bow: You've found what?

Mario: Colombian Shroom smugglers! I knew they were in Toad Town somewhere!

Bow: How do you know this?

Mario points to a sign, labeled: Colombian Shrooms Inc.

Bow: Ah.

They continue venturing until they happen upon Anti Guy guarding a treasure chest.

Anti Guy: This treasure chest is mine! MINE MINE MINE!!!

Mario pushes him over and he explodes. He then opens it and gapes in awe.

Mario: Wow! This chest is full of Shrooms! I'LL BE TAKING THIS...

Mario whistles. The chest gets sucked into Mario's pocket. It lands on Kooper's head.

Kooper: OW!!! What? YAY!!! SHROOMS!!! *munch, munch*

Mario: HEY!!! You keep your filthy paws offa my Shrooms!

Kooper: Aww, come ON! I've been in this pocket without food or drinks for like, five chapters!

Mario: Too bad! They're mine!

Mario and Bow continue until they happen upon Shy Guys carrying obviously stolen items. They leave the room, and happen upon the train station.

Engineer: Well, well, well. We meet again... and for THE LAST TIME!!!

Mario: En Guarde!

Mario and the engineer both pull out light sabers and begin fighting to the death, one swipe becoming closer than the last.

Engineer: Your powers are weak! Join me, and together we shall rule!

Mario: I'll never join you! ... You killed my father!

Engineer: No, Mario. I AM YOUR FATHER.


Mario then chops the engineer's head off.

Mario: Wow, that was quite a cameo.

George Lucas: Indeed.

Mario then chops off George Lucas's head.

Bow: Maybe you should keep going. There's a chest somewhere.

Mario: And what gives you that idea?

Bow: A, I have Nintendo Power, and B, the chest is right behind you.

Mario turns around and finds the chest.

Mario: Please, let it be more Shrooms!

Mario opens the chest.


Mario: To where?

Bow: Rowf and Harry's shop.

Mario: And where's that?

Bow: (evilly) Do not question the great Nintendo Power. It will explain everything.

Mario: O.O

Bow: Let's get a move on, people!

Bow leads Mario to the exiting springboard.

Bow: Let's go!

Mario: You know what? No. I'm tired of this and I'm tired of Goombario and I'm @#$%@# tired of SAVING THOSE @#$%@# STAR SPIRITS!!! What did they ever do for me?

Bow: Well, for starters, they made sure you stayed asleep on Christmas Eve. Remember?

Mario: Oh yeah...


A young Mario is seen sneaking downstairs towards the Christmas tree. There sits a row of wonderfully-wrapped presents. Suddenly, Eldstar appears.

Eldstar: GET TO BED, YA LITTLE @#$%@#!!!

Mario: AAHH!!!

Mario dashes back upstairs, where he remains the entire night.

End Flashback...

Mario: That was scary... Scarier than that roller coaster!

Bow: So, my guess is you're not going?

Mario: No.

Bow: Well then…

Bow pushes Mario onto the springboard, and he rockets out of the Toy Box and konks his noggin on the ceiling of the secret room.

Mario: Ow! Wait a second... YOU PUSHED ME!

Bow: Indeed I did. Now let's go.

Mario: *groan* Fine...

Mario steps out of the building and heads over to Rowf and Harry's shop.

Mario: Give me all your items or I'll cut you.

Rowf: Oh, yeah? With what?

Mario pulls out a machete.

Harry: WOAH, @#%$!!!

Rowf: O-okay, keep them! Keep all of them! Just don't hurt me!

Mario goes over to an itty-bitty store room and opens it with the key. There, they find a model train.

Bow: You have to take that and dump it into the box.

Mario: And then what?

Bow: It magically turns into a full-sized train and you are able to use it.

Mario: That defies a lot of logic.

Bow: Just like everything else we've come across in this Fun Fiction.

Mario: You do have a point. Let's go. Oh! Wait a moment.

Mario walks up to Rowf.

Mario: Gimme your wallet!

Rowf: No!

Mario pulls out his machete.

Mario: Gimme your wallet!

Rowf: My pleasure, Mr. Red Plumber, sir!

Rowf hands Mario his wallet.

Mario: Thank you.

Mario hits Rowf with the back of the machete. He then starts rummaging through the wallet.

Mario: Ooh, you got a girlfriend. I'll go look her up while you’re in the hospital.

Mario then walks back to the building, where he enters the secret door and opens the Toy Box.

Mario: Look out below!

He then drops the train into the box, where it appears as a full-sized train, which then is flying at light speed toward the Toy Box below. It then lands with a thunderous CRASH!

Mario: Woo! That was pretty cool.

Mario then drops into the Toy Box and rides the train to the pink station.

Mario: EWW!!! PINK!!!

Bombette: YAY!!! PINK!!!

Mario: Stay in my pocket!

Bombette: Nooo!

They then enter the pink station, where they see a big, fat Shy Guy.

Gourmet Guy: Hey, I'm Gourmet Guy... Ugh... Do you have any food? I'm so hungry!

Mario: Do you know where the Star Spirit is?

Gourmet Guy: I... might know where it is.

Mario: Good enough. What do you want?

Gourmet Guy: CAKE!!!

Mario: What are you, Morton?

Gourmet Guy: ... Maybe...

Mario: No you're not.

Gourmet Guy: Yeah, yeah, you're probably right. Now where was I? Oh, yes. CAKE!!!

Mario: Where am I supposed to get cake?

Gourmet Guy: Well, for starters, you can go to Tayce T's and make me some!

Mario: Nah, how 'bout a knuckle sandwich?

Gourmet Guy: Ooh, that sounds yummy... Okay...

Mario Uppercuts Gourmet Guy in the face and he flies out of the Toy Box.

Gourmet Guy: That was not what I had in miiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnndd...

Mario and Bow continue to explore until they happen upon a lever.

Bow: Pull it.

Mario: Why should I?

Bow: It'll get us closer to the end of this stupid adventure and you can go home and watch CSI: Miami.

Mario: WOO!!!

Mario pulls it and it explodes.


Mario: Ugh... Let's keep going.

Mario and Bow limp over to a fence. Using the "Outta Sight" trick, the make it through. They find a giant slot machine.

Mario: Ooh! Sweet! I'm always a natural at these slot machines!

Bow: How is that?

Mario punches the machine and all the coins pour out, which he shoves in his pocket.

Mario: See?

Mario then happens upon rising and faliing columns.

Mario: Ohh, no. Not these.

Mario passes over the columns with ease. He then finds a chest.

Mario: COINS!

WRONG. It contains a dictionary.

Mario: You stink, Mr. Author! In fact, here you go!

Mario whips a brick at the camera, cutting out transmission.



All right, we're back on air!

Mario: NOOO!!!

Bow: Let's just read it.

Mario: "Hit the multicolored boxes in this order: Yellow, Green, Red, Blue." What boxes?

Bow: The ones back at the green station.


Bow: Is it better than your old job?


A filthy, hobo-like Mario is seen sitting at a desk in the street holding a bin of buttons.

Mario: Multicolored buttons! Get your buttons here! Did I mention that they're multicolored? Anyone? PLEASE?! *groan*

Luigi walks up to the desk.

Luigi: Hello, would you like to be my fake brother so we can create a franchise of video games?

End Flashback...


Bow: Luigi did.

Mario: Fine, let's get going... *sniff*

Mario walks back to the green station and finds the multicolored boxes.

Mario: *sniff* They're the same colors as those buttons... *sob*

Mario hits the yellow, green, red, and blue boxes in that order. Suddenly, the boxes turn into Lego bricks and magically fix the broken train track.

Bow: How come we didn't notice that train track?

Mario shrugs. They hop into the train and head to the red station, where it seems darker. Off to the right, there are rising and lowering blocks, which Mario gets across with ease. They enter a very dark room and Big Lantern Ghost appears.

BLG: Wee hee hee hee!

Mario: Take this!

Mario pulls out a flashlight and it vaporizes the BLG. He drops a lantern which busts open, revealing Watt.

Watt: I'm joining your party!

Mario: GOOD FOR YOU. Now let's keep going.

They exit the dark and creepy room and enter a much brighter one, where they come across a wall.

Mario: Time to blow it up! You know what that means, Bombette...

Bombette: NO!!!

Mario whips her at the wall, which explodes along with Bombette. They continue until they happen upon a bunch of numbered blocks.

Mario: Well, I haven't used the remote in a while, so, why not?

Mario fast forwards up into another dark room, which is filled with Shy Guys.

Shy Guys: OH MY DAD! It's Mario!

Shy Guy: Ruun!

They smash through a wall, leaving most of them on the ground with massive head trauma.

Mario: What a bunch of morons. Well, let's keep going.

Mario enters the hole in the wall, which leads them to a massive army tank. General Guy pops out from the top.

Bow: Hey! You weren't supposed to be in a TANK! You-

General Guy: SiL3nC3, f0oLi$h 0en! I R T3h Ub3R ShY gUy!!!111one

Mario: Oh, great, another leet-speaking noob.

General Guy: iT iz U HoO R T3h N3wB, N3wb!1 NaOw Dy3!!11one

General Guy sends in a squad of Shy Guys, which Mario kicks over like a cardboard cutout.

General Guy: 0H N03z!! Um... t4k3 TISH, N3wB!!11

General Guy sends in some Shy Stacks, which Mario kicks, causing all of them to fall over.

General Guy: Um... Th4T wUz all i h4d...

Mario: That was pretty easy.

General Guy: bUt NAOW, mi P3wNy N3wBz, prepAIR to BE PWNED!!111one

General Guy takes aim with the cannon, which Mario plugs up with a rock.

General Guy: 4ny L4sT w0rDz, N3wBz?!11

Mario: No, I believe this is the end... Ohh, sob... Oh, cry... *sniffle...*

General Guy: W3LL Th3n, DYE!!!11

General Guy fires and the impact of the explosion sends him flying to Mexico.

General Guy: 00000000h n0eZ!!11 CheeP sh0t, N3wBz!!!11

Muskular: Ooh, you saved me. Just promise me this, bud: if you happen to rescue Klevar, don't but me in the same pocket as him. I'll take the other pocket! Or maybe even your back pocket! Just keep him away from me!

Mario: No can do, Mr. Star.

And there, my friends, is the end of Part 3. I hope you liked it. Is Peach okay? I think so. Was General Guy a noob? I think so too. Will Mario rescue all the Star Spirits? Hopefully not. Will Klevar ever stop being violently allergic to everything? Nope. Not now, not ever. And the last question of Part 3's conclusion... When will Part 4 come out? Well, you'll just have to wait. Seeya, peoples! I'm going off to drink five packs of Cola.

Read on!

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