Napkin Mario

By ducky.10

Chapter 10: Exotic Jungles and Stuffs!

Peach: Well, let's go sneak around again.

Luigi: I look so cool!

Goombigi: Well, let's get going.

They exit through the trapdoor and sneak around the foyer, which is festooned with flashlight-wielding Koopatrols.

Koopatrol 1: Y'know, my son just got into Koopa Kollege.

Koopatrol 2: Ah, y'know, I bet there's a lot of opportunities open to him.

Koopatrol 1: Really?

Koopatrol 2: NO!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Peach, Mr. L, and Goombigi pass by with ease and enter a door on the right, revealing Gourmet Guy... with a shiner.

Gourmet Guy: Oww... That knuckle-sandwich hurt... Oh, I'm so hungry... Can you make me food?

Peach: What if I don't want to? ARE YOU SAYING THAT THE ONLY THING I'M GOOD AT IS MAKING FOOD FOR FAT WEIRDOS?!

Gourmet Guy: W-wha-what?! I didn't- I mean, I never- I don't know what you're...

Peach: What is it that makes you think that? Because I'm a woman? IS THAT IT?! HUH?!

Gourmet Guy: What?! No, I- I just, I mean I... I... OMG!!! I'M GONNA THROW UP!!!

Luigi: Why?

Gourmet Guy explodes and leaves behind a pink key to the second floor.

YOU GOT A PINK KEY TO THE SECOND FLOOR!

Luigi: Yeah, we know.

I DON'T CARE!

Luigi: I hate you.

RIGHT BACK AT YA, MR. LOSER!

Luigi: That's not what L stands for! *sniff* You're not my friend...

Goombigi: DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY HERO!

HEY, I'M THE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING IN ALL-CAPS, HERE!

Peach: SHADDAP!!!

Fine...

Luigi: Fine...

Goombigi: Fine...

Peach: Fine.

With Mario...

Mario: All right, we're out of the Toybox (thank DAD), and we've captured the fourth Star Spirit.

Muskular: Again, if you get Klevar, don't leave me with him! He's a living nightmare!

Mario: So is NME, but I still buy their stuff. I've been their best customer for years!

Kracko flies up to Mario with a crate.

Kracko: Package for Mr. Mario Mario from NME!

Mario: Sweet! It's here!

Mario signs a piece of paper and Kracko flies away. However, as they begin to go west of Toad Town, Twink crashes into them again.

Mario: Oh, look. It's the sparkly runt. What do you want?

Twink: I want to tell you that Luigi has already found the princess. So I'm afraid the bet is won. You lose.

Mario: Yeah, right. I can't lose to Luigi. He's definitely not the person to rescue a princess. Except when he's in the bathtub playing with his dollies. Then that's his time. I mean, look at him! He's got a SPANDEX SUPERHERO COSTUME in his drawer!

Twink: Either way, he still won.

Mario: ... You're serious?

Twink: Would I lie?

Mario: ...

Kooper: Uh oh... You've done it now...

Mario: DIE, YOU LITTLE PIECE OF CRUMMY SPARKLES!!!

Twink: Holy!

Mario grabs Twink, picks him up, and pummels him senseless.

Twink: ARGH!!!

Mario then randomly rolls out a one-of-a-kind circus cannon and fires him into the skies above.

Mario: Bye!

Kooper: Well, that ruled. Let's keep going.

Mario picks up his NME package and heads west of Toad Town, where there is a dock... and Professor Kolorado.

Kolorado: You! Do you have Star Pieces?

Mario: NO.

Kolorado: Then I hate you! You disgust me! Get outta my face!

Kooper: Hey Mario, it looks like something's floating in the water there.

Mario: Hey Kooper, it looks like I ALREADY KNEW THAT. So shut it.

Kooper: ...

Mario then heads to the end of the dock, still dragging his enormous package. Just then, a giant whale surfaces.

Mario: AHH!!! IT'S A KILLER WHALE!!!

Rimshot.

Whale: I have a stummy ache... Can you fix it?

Mario: This looks like a job for... DR. MARIO!!!

Mario transforms into Dr. Mario and steps into the whale's mouth, where he extracts every major organ in its body and takes them out.

Mario: All fixed!

The whale plops over into the water, and stays real quiet.

Mario: ... Oops... Were we supposed to ride on him?

Bow: Yes.

Mario: Oh well. I knew something stupid would happen, so that's why I ordered this package!

Kooper: Why, what's in it?

Mario: An inflatable raft.

Kooper: Cool, let's go!

Mario rips open the crate, pulls out the raft, and begins to inflate it.

Mario: *gasp, blow, gasp, blow, cough, cough* There has to be another way to inflate this thing... Urf...

Bow: It would help you a lot if you took off the lid before you began to inflate it.

Mario: ... Shut up...

After a few hours, the raft is completely inflated, and all of Mario's party members are becoming squished onboard.

Bow: Move over!

Kooper: You move over!

Goombario: I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR MARIO.

Parakarry: Gah! My organs!

Watt: Stop leaning up against me!

Bow: IT BURNS!

Mario: I can't fi!

Kolorado: Neither can I!

Mario: What are you doing on my raft?

Kolorado: Take me to Yoshi's Island!

Mario: Why should I?

Kolorado: There are marvelous riches hidden there!

Mario: Count me in!

Kolorado: Count me in, too!

Mario: But you suggested it.

Kolorado: Oh, so it's suddenly all about you now, huh?

Mario: ... WHAT?

Kolorado: You're not gonna hog it all to yourself!

Mario: Of course I am, but what gave you that idea-

Kolorado: SILENCE, PEASANT!!!

Mario: Man, you tick me off. By the way, how, pray tell, do you know riches are there?

Kolorado: Oh, that's easy. I have this map with me?

Mario: Cool! Can I see it?

Kolorado: NO!

Mario and Kolorado begin fighting for the map in a cartoonish smoke cloud, and end with a tug of war. However, the map rips (cliche) and the pieces fall into the water.

Kolorado: LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!! I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TRUSTED YOU!!!

Mario: YOU NEVER TRUSTED ME!!!

Kolorado: I KNOW!!! THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T TRUST YOU!!!

Mario: You hardly make any sense.

After a few long, agonizing days of sailing, they finally find land, which appears to be a luscious, green paradice. Err, paradise. PARADISE! So anyway, they find land and get off the freaking raft.

Mario: Ugh... I think I'm gonna throw up... I haven't shaved in DAYS...

Kooper: Speak for yourself, reddie!

Kooper appears to have grown a foot-long beard.

Mario: Wow, your beard is weird!

Kolorado: I'm going to look for riches! Stay here so I can bring them back for all of us!

Mario: Wow, really?

Kolorado: Really what?

Mario: Are you really gonna share them with us?

Kolorado: Share what with who?

Mario: RICHES!!! WITH US!!! And by "us", I mean me, myself, and I.

Kolorado: There are riches here?! Holy cow! Ive gotta start looking!

Mario: You're gonna share them with me, right?

Kolorado: Who said anything about you? Get outta my face, reddie!

With Peach and whoever was in the castle where I left off...

Ducky.10: I believe it was Luigi and Goombigi.

You think I care, duck? Anyway, back to the story!

Ducky.10: I hate you.

Peach: Can we go now?

Yes.

Peach: Good, because now that we have the downstairs key, we can get some more dirt on Bowser!

Luigi: Sweet! Move aside, Peach. It's time for me to show you my awesome acrobatics!

Luigi grabs the key, unlocks the door, and enters the second floor foyer, where he throws smoke grenades everywhere, incapacitating the guards.

Koopatrol: AUGH!!! I CAN'T SEE!!!

Peach, Luigi, and Goombigi enter the room on the right, which appears to be a storage room.

Luigi: Impressed?

Peach: Not even the slightest bit.

Luigi: Aw...

There, they find a closet. They open it up and find Toad, covered in melted chocolate stains.

Peach: EW!!!

Toad: What? I couldn't get out of here! So I had to fill up on Twix and Mars and 1-Up Bars!

Goombigi: Do you have any left?

Toad: Nope.

Goombigi: Aw...

Back to Mario...

Mario: Where did Kolorado go?

Kooper: Over there. Oh, look! He's being pummeled by a Jungle Fuzzy! :D

Mario: Sweet! Do you have any popcorn?

Kooper: You bet I do!

Kooper pulls out a bag of popcorn and shares it with Mario.

Mario: Do you have any Dill?

Kooper: Yup, here you go.

Kolorado: Help -OW- me -OOH- PLEASE -OWWW!!!

Jungle Fuzzy: You're a jerk, you tried to steal my watch! This is what you get!

Kolorado: Protecting that watch will get you nowhere! It's fake!

Jungle Fuzzy: Then why did you want it?

Kolorado: Because I could sell it on eBay for double the original price and rip people off!

Jungle Fuzzy: That's MY JOB!!! TAKE THIS!!!

The Jungle Fuzzy grabs Kolorado by the leg and hurls him to Mt. Lavalava.

Jungle Fuzzy: Well, time to go back home to outbid people on eBay by half a cent!

Mario: Is that even possible?

Jungle Fuzzy: Not yet!

The Jungle Fuzzy jumps away. Mario and his party continue until they find a red Yoshi.

Red Yoshi: Welcome to Yoshi Village!

Mario: Wait, do you mean THE Yoshi? As in, the Yoshi that...

Mario whips his head around, to make sure no one's looking.

Mario: As in, the Yoshi that dealt Shrooms with me?

Red Yoshi: Yup!

Mario: Hot dog!

Red Yoshi: Where?!

Mario and his party run away as the Red Yoshi continues to search for the hot dog. They head east into the village, where there is a number of Yoshi Kids.

Yoshi Kid: We're the Fearsome 5! We're pranksters, we're gonna be pulling off the biggest prank ever!

Mario: WOW, and I don't care.

Yoshi Kid: Give us respect, or we'll egg your house!

Mario: You don't even know where I live, you little runt!

Yoshi Kid: Not yet!

Mario enters the next area, where he finds Kolorado at the entrance to the cave.

Kolorado: WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME?!

Mario: Because you're greedy and messed up and ugly.

Kolorado: Well, so are you!

Mario: Yeah, but I'm better!

Kooper: What's that supposed to mean?

Mario punches him in the gut.

Kolorado: Fine then! I'll just enter the cave and find all the riches and wealth myself!

Mario: You won't get far. You'll just get harassed by a fly or something and chicken out.

Kolorado: I WILL NOT!!! And to prove it, I'm going in and staying in! No chickening out!

Mario: You won't get far.

Kolorado: We'll see!

Kolorado enters.

Kolorado: ACK!!! A BUTTERFLY!!!

Mario: *sigh*

Mario heads back down the trail and happens upon an item along the way.

YOU GOT A RARE JAMMIN' JELLY!

Mario: What's so rare about it?

I DON'T KNOW!

Mario keeps heading down the trail until they find a whole bunch of Yoshis freaking out.

Mario: What's going on?

Yoshi Chief: Oh, all the youngsters have gone missing. Nothing new.

Mario: Then why is everyone freaking out?

Yoshi Chief: Dunno. They were little brats anyway. They egged my house, so I did something that their parents would never suspect...

Mario: What?

Yoshi Chief: I KILLED THEM!!!

Mario: Eh.

Yoshi Chief: You don't care?

Mario: Of course I do. Which is why I'm doing this.

Mario calls out Skolar and he barrages the Yoshi Chief with falling stars until he is knocked out. Mario then picks him up and boots him off the island.

Skolar: You're welcome.

Mario: Huh?

Mario ignores Skolar and heads back into the jungle, where he finds a wiggling tree.

Mario: The tree is alive! TAKE THIS, FOUL BEAST!!!

Mario smacks the tree with his hammer, and a purple Cheep Cheep falls out.

Mario: Good gravy, someone turned Waluigi into a FISH! SPEAK TO ME, BUDDY! SPEAK TO MEEEEEEEEE!!!

Sushi: I'm not Waluigi, I'm Sushi. And you're really dumb.

Mario: You're going to be sushi in a minute if you don't join my party in three seconds.

Sushi: Meep! O-okay! I'll join!

SUSHI HAS BEEN FORCED TO JOIN YOUR PARTY!

Mario keeps venturing through the jungle, collecting Star Pieces and other items along the way. However, after hours of venturing, he gets lazy and whips out the remote.

Mario: REMOTE!!!

Mario fast forwards until he is back with the Yoshi Chief.

Mario: I thought I killed you!

Yoshi Chief: You may have won the battle, but the war rages on!

Mario: What war?

Yoshi Chief: YO MOMMA'S WAR!

Every Yoshi around them begins laughing.

Mario: Oh, if it's a Yo Momma fight you want, it's a Yo Momma fight you'll get!

Yoshi Chief: Bring it!

All the Yoshis begin gathering around the bickering two.

Mario: Yo Momma's so FAT, she has to ride in a SPANDEX CAR!

Yoshis: OOOOOOOOHH!!!

Yoshi Chief: Oh yeah? Well, Yo Momma's so STUPID, she sat on the TV and watched the couch!

Yoshis: Wuh-oh!

Mario: Yo Momma's so... wait, YOU'RE SO FAT, YOU ASKED FOR A WATER BED, AND THEY PUT A BLANKET AND PILLOW OVER THE OCEAN!

Yoshis: OWNED!!!

Yoshi Chief: Oh yeah? Well-

Mario: YOU'RE SO FAT, YOU JUMPED UP IN THE AIR AND GOT STUCK!

Yoshi Chief: OH YEAH?! WELL-

Mario: YOU'RE SO UGLY, YOU LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW AND GOT ARRESTED FOR MOONING!!!

Yoshis: *gasp*

Yoshi Chief: Oh yeah? ... Well... Well... I-I, well, I... WAAUUGH!!!

The Yoshi Chief runs off, sobbing. He leaves behind a peculiar item.

YOU GOT THE JADE RAVEN!

Mario: What does this thing do?

Red Yoshi: I dunno, but I gotta find that hot dog!

Mario: There is no hot dog.

Red Yoshi: W-what are you saying?

Mario: I'm saying there was no hot dog in the first place.

Red Yoshi: YOU LIE LIKE A RUG!

Rimshot.

Mario: HEY! I'm supposed to be making the rimshots around here!

Mario walks away while the Red Yoshi keeps scavenging for the hot dog. Mario ventures back into the jungle until he finds a Raven statue. He puts the Jade Raven into the statue's indent and it slides to the side, creating a path to walk down. He heads down the path until he happens upon 4 blue boxes.

Mario: What are these for? Oh well. I'll just ignore 'em.

Mario keeps going until he happens upon the White Magikoopa.

W Magikoopa: OOOOOOOOHH!!! I AM AN ALL-POWERFUL WIZARD!!! I CAN DO MAGIC TRICKS AND STUFF!!! OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!

Mario: Wow, let's see some.

The W Magikoopa pulls out a sparkler, lights it, and dances around with it.

W Magikoopa: OOOOH!!! Look! The sparkly wand! It's so magical!

Mario: That's a sparkler.

W Magikoopa: Err, no it's not!

Mario: Ugh, it's the hippie shopkeep all over again. If you're a wizard, do a REAL trick and prove it.

W Magikoopa: Okay!

The W Magikoopa makes a whole bunch of Piranha Plants appear.

W Magikoopa: Ha ha! Who's the magician now?!

Mario: Not you.

W Magikoopa: Why?

Mario kicks over the Piranha Plants, which are cardboard cutouts.

Mario: Ha.

W Magikoopa: That defies SO MUCH LOGIC!

Mario: So does this.

Mario becomes Super Sayain.

W Magikoopa: You're right!

Mario boots him 50 yards and transforms back to normal. He then heads down the trail until he happens upon a freaking huge tree.

Mario: Cool!

Mario then happens to find a tunnel within the tree, and finds a ladder. He then climbs up it, finding Raphael the Raven and a whole bunch of Ravens building a tree fort.

Raven: Yay! It's finished! CAW!

Raphael: Why aren't you working? CAW!

Raven: I AM! CAW!

Raphael: I mean yourself to death! CAW!

Raven: I hate you. CAW!

Mario: Um... Do you know where the Star Spirit is?

Raven: ... Caw?

Bow: I don't think they understand you...

Mario: Okay, um... Caw caw caw, caw caw, caw caw?

Raven: I beg your pardon?! My mother was a saint! CAW!!!

Mario: Oops... Well, I guess I could start up bird hunting again with Ol' Rusty.

Bow: What's Ol' Rusty?

Mario pulls out a rusty shotgun and loads it.

Bow: I don't think that's a good idea-

Mario: FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!

BAM!!! Mario shoots the Ravens and they fall out of the tree fort, leaving behind the Ultra Stone.

Mario: Looks cool! I could sell this for shrooms...

Mario stuffs it in his pocket and heads to the cave in Mt. Lavalava, where Kolorado is waiting.

Kolorado: Took you long enough! That butterfly almost killed me! I tried to get away, but it was ALWAYS THERE-

Mario: Spare me your over-reactions. Now let's just get in there.

Kolorado: How?

Mario pulls out a climbing rope and hook.

Kolorado: ... I knew that!

Mario: Knew what?

Kolorado: Nothing!

Kolorado runs into the entrance, followed by Mario.
 

Chapter 11: Da-day, look! It's Lavalava!

They enter the cave and come across a Piranha Plant that pops out of nowhere.

Piranha Plant: ENK! ENK! ENK! INTRUDER!

Mario: Shut up, please.

Piranha Plant: Uh, no, you shut up, please.

Mario kicks it in the face and it dies. They continue into the next chamber, which is festooned with lava.

Kolorado: You go first!

Mario: Why?

Kolorado: I'm too young to die!

Mario: Too young? This Rolling Shroom magazine says you're 53!

Kolorado: Well... urm... err... LIES!!!

Mario: Suuuuure.

Mario steps over the platforms with ease. When Kolorado tries, however, he ends up falling into the lava over 9 times.

Kolorado: AUGH!! EEP! AAAAIIIIEEE!!! GWAAA!!! HELP ME!!!

Mario: I can tell that this level is gonna take an awful long time, which is why I'm breaking out the remote.

Mario clicks the fast forward button and skips all the way to a room with a chest in it. He opens it, to reveal...

YOU GOT THE ULTRA HAMMER!

Mario: Z0mG c0oL h4mM3r!!11

Parakarry: Never talk l33t again.

Mario: WHO LET YOU OUTTA MY POCKET?!

Parakarry: Eep!

Parakarry dashes back into Mario's pocket.

Mario: LOL

Mario fast forwards again to an empty chamber. A Piranha Plant pops out of the ground again.

Piranha Plant: ENK! ENK! ENK! MARIO'S STILL COMING!

Mario: Do I really have to kick you again? Why, yes. Yes, yes I do.

Mario axe-kicks the Piranha Plant in the face and continues into the next chamber, where the Lava Piranha rises from the lava.

Lava Piranha: HYUCK HYCUK HYUCK!!! LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN!!!

Mario: YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT!!!

Lava Piranha: YES I DO!!!!!!

Mario: NUH UH!!!!!!!!!

Bow: SHUT UP!!! The amount of exclamation marks you're using is pretendous!

Lava Piranha: Is dat a werd?

Bow: No.

Lava Bud: GASP!

Mario: Now, let's get down to killing one another.

Lava Piranha: Yes, let's.

Mario: Allow me to start.

Mario takes out a giant pair of hedge clippers and slices the Lava Piranha in two.

Lava Piranha: ACK!

Kolorado: Thanks for leaving me behind! Now I'll never find the treasure!

Mario: You could at least have looked for it instead of us, seeing how much you hate us.

Kolorado: You shut your face!

Suddenly, Misstar appears and gives Mario a dirty look.

Mario: ... What? I saved you, do I get a thank you?

Misstar: No, but you do get this!

Misstar hits Mario in the head with an encyclopedia.

Mario: WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!

Misstar: I dunno!

Yay! END OF PART 4!!! Phew, sorry people. It took longer to write than I expected. I'm not going to be spamming questions this time because it is a complete waste of perfectly useful typing space and will be flamed upon by all the little newbies that sit at their computer screens all day reading little fan fictions like these over and over for the rest of their stupid and smelly lives. No offense, newbies. Okay, offense, newbies. XD

Read on!


 
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