Chapter 10: Exotic Jungles and Stuffs!
Peach: Well, let's go sneak around
again.
Luigi: I look so cool!
Goombigi: Well, let's get going.
They exit through the trapdoor and
sneak around the foyer, which is festooned with flashlight-wielding Koopatrols.
Koopatrol 1: Y'know, my son just got
into Koopa Kollege.
Koopatrol 2: Ah, y'know, I bet there's
a lot of opportunities open to him.
Koopatrol 1: Really?
Koopatrol 2: NO!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Peach, “Mr. L”, and Goombigi pass by
with ease and enter a door on the right, revealing Gourmet Guy... with
a shiner.
Gourmet Guy: Oww... That knuckle-sandwich
hurt... Oh, I'm so hungry... Can you make me food?
Peach: What if I don't want to? ARE
YOU SAYING THAT THE ONLY THING I'M GOOD AT IS MAKING FOOD FOR FAT WEIRDOS?!
Gourmet Guy: W-wha-what?! I didn't-
I mean, I never- I don't know what you're...
Peach: What is it that makes you think
that? Because I'm a woman? IS THAT IT?! HUH?!
Gourmet Guy: What?! No, I- I just,
I mean I... I... OMG!!! I'M GONNA THROW UP!!!
Luigi: Why?
Gourmet Guy explodes and leaves behind
a pink key to the second floor.
YOU GOT A PINK KEY TO THE SECOND FLOOR!
Luigi: Yeah, we know.
I DON'T CARE!
Luigi: I hate you.
RIGHT BACK AT YA, MR. LOSER!
Luigi: That's not what L stands for!
*sniff* You're not my friend...
Goombigi: DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY HERO!
HEY, I'M THE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO
BE TALKING IN ALL-CAPS, HERE!
Peach: SHADDAP!!!
Fine...
Luigi: Fine...
Goombigi: Fine...
Peach: Fine.
With Mario...
Mario: All right, we're out of the
Toybox (thank DAD), and we've captured the fourth Star Spirit.
Muskular: Again, if you get Klevar,
don't leave me with him! He's a living nightmare!
Mario: So is NME, but I still buy their
stuff. I've been their best customer for years!
Kracko flies up to Mario with a crate.
Kracko: Package for Mr. Mario Mario
from NME!
Mario: Sweet! It's here!
Mario signs a piece of paper and Kracko
flies away. However, as they begin to go west of Toad Town, Twink crashes
into them again.
Mario: Oh, look. It's the sparkly runt.
What do you want?
Twink: I want to tell you that Luigi
has already found the princess. So I'm afraid the bet is won. You lose.
Mario: Yeah, right. I can't lose to
Luigi. He's definitely not the person to rescue a princess. Except when
he's in the bathtub playing with his dollies. Then that's his time. I mean,
look at him! He's got a SPANDEX SUPERHERO COSTUME in his drawer!
Twink: Either way, he still won.
Mario: ... You're serious?
Twink: Would I lie?
Mario: ...
Kooper: Uh oh... You've done it now...
Mario: DIE, YOU LITTLE PIECE OF
CRUMMY SPARKLES!!!
Twink: Holy!
Mario grabs Twink, picks him up, and
pummels him senseless.
Twink: ARGH!!!
Mario then randomly rolls out a one-of-a-kind
circus cannon and fires him into the skies above.
Mario: Bye!
Kooper: Well, that ruled. Let's keep
going.
Mario picks up his NME package and
heads west of Toad Town, where there is a dock... and Professor Kolorado.
Kolorado: You! Do you have Star Pieces?
Mario: NO.
Kolorado: Then I hate you! You disgust
me! Get outta my face!
Kooper: Hey Mario, it looks like something's
floating in the water there.
Mario: Hey Kooper, it looks like I
ALREADY KNEW THAT. So shut it.
Kooper: ...
Mario then heads to the end of the
dock, still dragging his enormous package. Just then, a giant whale surfaces.
Mario: AHH!!! IT'S A KILLER WHALE!!!
Rimshot.
Whale: I have a stummy ache... Can
you fix it?
Mario: This looks like a job for...
DR. MARIO!!!
Mario transforms into Dr. Mario and
steps into the whale's mouth, where he extracts every major organ in its
body and takes them out.
Mario: All fixed!
The whale plops over into the water,
and stays real quiet.
Mario: ... Oops... Were we supposed
to ride on him?
Bow: Yes.
Mario: Oh well. I knew something stupid
would happen, so that's why I ordered this package!
Kooper: Why, what's in it?
Mario: An inflatable raft.
Kooper: Cool, let's go!
Mario rips open the crate, pulls out
the raft, and begins to inflate it.
Mario: *gasp, blow, gasp, blow, cough,
cough* There has to be another way to inflate this thing... Urf...
Bow: It would help you a lot if you
took off the lid before you began to inflate it.
Mario: ... Shut up...
After a few hours, the raft is completely
inflated, and all of Mario's party members are becoming squished onboard.
Bow: Move over!
Kooper: You move over!
Goombario: I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR
MARIO.
Parakarry: Gah! My organs!
Watt: Stop leaning up against me!
Bow: IT BURNS!
Mario: I can't fi!
Kolorado: Neither can I!
Mario: What are you doing on my raft?
Kolorado: Take me to Yoshi's Island!
Mario: Why should I?
Kolorado: There are marvelous riches
hidden there!
Mario: Count me in!
Kolorado: Count me in, too!
Mario: But you suggested it.
Kolorado: Oh, so it's suddenly all
about you now, huh?
Mario: ... WHAT?
Kolorado: You're not gonna hog it all
to yourself!
Mario: Of course I am, but what gave
you that idea-
Kolorado: SILENCE, PEASANT!!!
Mario: Man, you tick me off. By the
way, how, pray tell, do you know riches are there?
Kolorado: Oh, that's easy. I have this
map with me?
Mario: Cool! Can I see it?
Kolorado: NO!
Mario and Kolorado begin fighting for
the map in a cartoonish smoke cloud, and end with a tug of war. However,
the map rips (cliche) and the pieces fall into the water.
Kolorado: LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!! I SHOULD
HAVE NEVER TRUSTED YOU!!!
Mario: YOU NEVER TRUSTED ME!!!
Kolorado: I KNOW!!! THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T
TRUST YOU!!!
Mario: You hardly make any sense.
After a few long, agonizing days of
sailing, they finally find land, which appears to be a luscious, green
paradice. Err, paradise. PARADISE! So anyway, they find land and get off
the freaking raft.
Mario: Ugh... I think I'm gonna throw
up... I haven't shaved in DAYS...
Kooper: Speak for yourself, reddie!
Kooper appears to have grown a foot-long
beard.
Mario: Wow, your beard is weird!
Kolorado: I'm going to look for riches!
Stay here so I can bring them back for all of us!
Mario: Wow, really?
Kolorado: Really what?
Mario: Are you really gonna share them
with us?
Kolorado: Share what with who?
Mario: RICHES!!! WITH US!!! And by
"us", I mean me, myself, and I.
Kolorado: There are riches here?! Holy
cow! I’ve gotta start looking!
Mario: You're gonna share them with
me, right?
Kolorado: Who said anything about you?
Get outta my face, reddie!
With Peach and whoever was in the castle
where I left off...
Ducky.10: I believe it was Luigi and
Goombigi.
You think I care, duck? Anyway, back
to the story!
Ducky.10: I hate you.
Peach: Can we go now?
Yes.
Peach: Good, because now that we have
the downstairs key, we can get some more dirt on Bowser!
Luigi: Sweet! Move aside, Peach. It's
time for me to show you my awesome acrobatics!
Luigi grabs the key, unlocks the door,
and enters the second floor foyer, where he throws smoke grenades everywhere,
incapacitating the guards.
Koopatrol: AUGH!!! I CAN'T SEE!!!
Peach, Luigi, and Goombigi enter the
room on the right, which appears to be a storage room.
Luigi: Impressed?
Peach: Not even the slightest bit.
Luigi: Aw...
There, they find a closet. They open
it up and find Toad, covered in melted chocolate stains.
Peach: EW!!!
Toad: What? I couldn't get out of here!
So I had to fill up on Twix and Mars and 1-Up Bars!
Goombigi: Do you have any left?
Toad: Nope.
Goombigi: Aw...
Back to Mario...
Mario: Where did Kolorado go?
Kooper: Over there. Oh, look! He's
being pummeled by a Jungle Fuzzy! :D
Mario: Sweet! Do you have any popcorn?
Kooper: You bet I do!
Kooper pulls out a bag of popcorn and
shares it with Mario.
Mario: Do you have any Dill?
Kooper: Yup, here you go.
Kolorado: Help -OW- me -OOH- PLEASE
-OWWW!!!
Jungle Fuzzy: You're a jerk, you tried
to steal my watch! This is what you get!
Kolorado: Protecting that watch will
get you nowhere! It's fake!
Jungle Fuzzy: Then why did you want
it?
Kolorado: Because I could sell it on
eBay for double the original price and rip people off!
Jungle Fuzzy: That's MY JOB!!! TAKE
THIS!!!
The Jungle Fuzzy grabs Kolorado by
the leg and hurls him to Mt. Lavalava.
Jungle Fuzzy: Well, time to go back
home to outbid people on eBay by half a cent!
Mario: Is that even possible?
Jungle Fuzzy: Not yet!
The Jungle Fuzzy jumps away. Mario
and his party continue until they find a red Yoshi.
Red Yoshi: Welcome to Yoshi Village!
Mario: Wait, do you mean THE Yoshi?
As in, the Yoshi that...
Mario whips his head around, to make
sure no one's looking.
Mario: As in, the Yoshi that dealt
Shrooms with me?
Red Yoshi: Yup!
Mario: Hot dog!
Red Yoshi: Where?!
Mario and his party run away as the
Red Yoshi continues to search for the hot dog. They head east into the
village, where there is a number of Yoshi Kids.
Yoshi Kid: We're the Fearsome 5! We're
pranksters, we're gonna be pulling off the biggest prank ever!
Mario: WOW, and I don't care.
Yoshi Kid: Give us respect, or we'll
egg your house!
Mario: You don't even know where I
live, you little runt!
Yoshi Kid: Not yet!
Mario enters the next area, where he
finds Kolorado at the entrance to the cave.
Kolorado: WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME?!
Mario: Because you're greedy and messed
up and ugly.
Kolorado: Well, so are you!
Mario: Yeah, but I'm better!
Kooper: What's that supposed to mean?
Mario punches him in the gut.
Kolorado: Fine then! I'll just enter
the cave and find all the riches and wealth myself!
Mario: You won't get far. You'll just
get harassed by a fly or something and chicken out.
Kolorado: I WILL NOT!!! And to prove
it, I'm going in and staying in! No chickening out!
Mario: You won't get far.
Kolorado: We'll see!
Kolorado enters.
Kolorado: ACK!!! A BUTTERFLY!!!
Mario: *sigh*
Mario heads back down the trail and
happens upon an item along the way.
YOU GOT A RARE JAMMIN' JELLY!
Mario: What's so rare about it?
I DON'T KNOW!
Mario keeps heading down the trail
until they find a whole bunch of Yoshis freaking out.
Mario: What's going on?
Yoshi Chief: Oh, all the youngsters
have gone missing. Nothing new.
Mario: Then why is everyone freaking
out?
Yoshi Chief: Dunno. They were little
brats anyway. They egged my house, so I did something that their parents
would never suspect...
Mario: What?
Yoshi Chief: I KILLED THEM!!!
Mario: Eh.
Yoshi Chief: You don't care?
Mario: Of course I do. Which is why
I'm doing this.
Mario calls out Skolar and he barrages
the Yoshi Chief with falling stars until he is knocked out. Mario then
picks him up and boots him off the island.
Skolar: You're welcome.
Mario: Huh?
Mario ignores Skolar and heads back
into the jungle, where he finds a wiggling tree.
Mario: The tree is alive! TAKE THIS,
FOUL BEAST!!!
Mario smacks the tree with his hammer,
and a purple Cheep Cheep falls out.
Mario: Good gravy, someone turned Waluigi
into a FISH! SPEAK TO ME, BUDDY! SPEAK TO MEEEEEEEEE!!!
Sushi: I'm not Waluigi, I'm Sushi.
And you're really dumb.
Mario: You're going to be sushi in
a minute if you don't join my party in three seconds.
Sushi: Meep! O-okay! I'll join!
SUSHI HAS BEEN FORCED TO JOIN YOUR
PARTY!
Mario keeps venturing through the jungle,
collecting Star Pieces and other items along the way. However, after hours
of venturing, he gets lazy and whips out the remote.
Mario: REMOTE!!!
Mario fast forwards until he is back
with the Yoshi Chief.
Mario: I thought I killed you!
Yoshi Chief: You may have won the battle,
but the war rages on!
Mario: What war?
Yoshi Chief: YO MOMMA'S WAR!
Every Yoshi around them begins laughing.
Mario: Oh, if it's a Yo Momma fight
you want, it's a Yo Momma fight you'll get!
Yoshi Chief: Bring it!
All the Yoshis begin gathering around
the bickering two.
Mario: Yo Momma's so FAT, she has to
ride in a SPANDEX CAR!
Yoshis: OOOOOOOOHH!!!
Yoshi Chief: Oh yeah? Well, Yo Momma's
so STUPID, she sat on the TV and watched the couch!
Yoshis: Wuh-oh!
Mario: Yo Momma's so... wait, YOU'RE
SO FAT, YOU ASKED FOR A WATER BED, AND THEY PUT A BLANKET AND PILLOW OVER
THE OCEAN!
Yoshis: OWNED!!!
Yoshi Chief: Oh yeah? Well-
Mario: YOU'RE SO FAT, YOU JUMPED UP
IN THE AIR AND GOT STUCK!
Yoshi Chief: OH YEAH?! WELL-
Mario: YOU'RE SO UGLY, YOU LOOKED OUT
THE WINDOW AND GOT ARRESTED FOR MOONING!!!
Yoshis: *gasp*
Yoshi Chief: Oh yeah? ... Well... Well...
I-I, well, I... WAAUUGH!!!
The Yoshi Chief runs off, sobbing.
He leaves behind a peculiar item.
YOU GOT THE JADE RAVEN!
Mario: What does this thing do?
Red Yoshi: I dunno, but I gotta find
that hot dog!
Mario: There is no hot dog.
Red Yoshi: W-what are you saying?
Mario: I'm saying there was no hot
dog in the first place.
Red Yoshi: YOU LIE LIKE A RUG!
Rimshot.
Mario: HEY! I'm supposed to be making
the rimshots around here!
Mario walks away while the Red Yoshi
keeps scavenging for the hot dog. Mario ventures back into the jungle until
he finds a Raven statue. He puts the Jade Raven into the statue's indent
and it slides to the side, creating a path to walk down. He heads down
the path until he happens upon 4 blue boxes.
Mario: What are these for? Oh well.
I'll just ignore 'em.
Mario keeps going until he happens
upon the White Magikoopa.
W Magikoopa: OOOOOOOOHH!!! I AM AN
ALL-POWERFUL WIZARD!!! I CAN DO MAGIC TRICKS AND STUFF!!! OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!
Mario: Wow, let's see some.
The W Magikoopa pulls out a sparkler,
lights it, and dances around with it.
W Magikoopa: OOOOH!!! Look! The sparkly
wand! It's so magical!
Mario: That's a sparkler.
W Magikoopa: Err, no it's not!
Mario: Ugh, it's the hippie shopkeep
all over again. If you're a wizard, do a REAL trick and prove it.
W Magikoopa: Okay!
The W Magikoopa makes a whole bunch
of Piranha Plants appear.
W Magikoopa: Ha ha! Who's the magician
now?!
Mario: Not you.
W Magikoopa: Why?
Mario kicks over the Piranha Plants,
which are cardboard cutouts.
Mario: Ha.
W Magikoopa: That defies SO MUCH LOGIC!
Mario: So does this.
Mario becomes Super Sayain.
W Magikoopa: You're right!
Mario boots him 50 yards and transforms
back to normal. He then heads down the trail until he happens upon a freaking
huge tree.
Mario: Cool!
Mario then happens to find a tunnel
within the tree, and finds a ladder. He then climbs up it, finding Raphael
the Raven and a whole bunch of Ravens building a tree fort.
Raven: Yay! It's finished! CAW!
Raphael: Why aren't you working? CAW!
Raven: I AM! CAW!
Raphael: I mean yourself to death!
CAW!
Raven: I hate you. CAW!
Mario: Um... Do you know where the
Star Spirit is?
Raven: ... Caw?
Bow: I don't think they understand
you...
Mario: Okay, um... Caw caw caw, caw
caw, caw caw?
Raven: I beg your pardon?! My mother
was a saint! CAW!!!
Mario: Oops... Well, I guess I could
start up bird hunting again with Ol' Rusty.
Bow: What's Ol' Rusty?
Mario pulls out a rusty shotgun and
loads it.
Bow: I don't think that's a good idea-
Mario: FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!
BAM!!! Mario shoots the Ravens and
they fall out of the tree fort, leaving behind the Ultra Stone.
Mario: Looks cool! I could sell this
for shrooms...
Mario stuffs it in his pocket and heads
to the cave in Mt. Lavalava, where Kolorado is waiting.
Kolorado: Took you long enough! That
butterfly almost killed me! I tried to get away, but it was ALWAYS THERE-
Mario: Spare me your over-reactions.
Now let's just get in there.
Kolorado: How?
Mario pulls out a climbing rope and
hook.
Kolorado: ... I knew that!
Mario: Knew what?
Kolorado: Nothing!
Kolorado runs into the entrance, followed
by Mario.
Chapter 11: Da-day, look! It's Lavalava!
They enter the cave and come across
a Piranha Plant that pops out of nowhere.
Piranha Plant: ENK! ENK! ENK! INTRUDER!
Mario: Shut up, please.
Piranha Plant: Uh, no, you shut up,
please.
Mario kicks it in the face and it dies.
They continue into the next chamber, which is festooned with lava.
Kolorado: You go first!
Mario: Why?
Kolorado: I'm too young to die!
Mario: Too young? This Rolling
Shroom magazine says you're 53!
Kolorado: Well... urm... err... LIES!!!
Mario: Suuuuure.
Mario steps over the platforms with
ease. When Kolorado tries, however, he ends up falling into the lava over
9 times.
Kolorado: AUGH!! EEP! AAAAIIIIEEE!!!
GWAAA!!! HELP ME!!!
Mario: I can tell that this level is
gonna take an awful long time, which is why I'm breaking out the remote.
Mario clicks the fast forward button
and skips all the way to a room with a chest in it. He opens it, to reveal...
YOU GOT THE ULTRA HAMMER!
Mario: Z0mG c0oL h4mM3r!!11
Parakarry: Never talk l33t again.
Mario: WHO LET YOU OUTTA MY POCKET?!
Parakarry: Eep!
Parakarry dashes back into Mario's
pocket.
Mario: LOL
Mario fast forwards again to an empty
chamber. A Piranha Plant pops out of the ground again.
Piranha Plant: ENK! ENK! ENK! MARIO'S
STILL COMING!
Mario: Do I really have to kick you
again? Why, yes. Yes, yes I do.
Mario axe-kicks the Piranha Plant in
the face and continues into the next chamber, where the Lava Piranha rises
from the lava.
Lava Piranha: HYUCK HYCUK HYUCK!!!
LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN!!!
Mario: YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT!!!
Lava Piranha: YES I DO!!!!!!
Mario: NUH UH!!!!!!!!!
Bow: SHUT UP!!! The amount of exclamation
marks you're using is pretendous!
Lava Piranha: Is dat a werd?
Bow: No.
Lava Bud: GASP!
Mario: Now, let's get down to killing
one another.
Lava Piranha: Yes, let's.
Mario: Allow me to start.
Mario takes out a giant pair of hedge
clippers and slices the Lava Piranha in two.
Lava Piranha: ACK!
Kolorado: Thanks for leaving me behind!
Now I'll never find the treasure!
Mario: You could at least have looked
for it instead of us, seeing how much you hate us.
Kolorado: You shut your face!
Suddenly, Misstar appears and gives
Mario a dirty look.
Mario: ... What? I saved you, do I
get a thank you?
Misstar: No, but you do get this!
Misstar hits Mario in the head with
an encyclopedia.
Mario: WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!
Misstar: I dunno!
Yay! END OF PART 4!!! Phew, sorry people.
It took longer to write than I expected. I'm not going to be spamming questions
this time because it is a complete waste of perfectly useful typing space
and will be flamed upon by all the little newbies that sit at their computer
screens all day reading little fan fictions like these over and over for
the rest of their stupid and smelly lives. No offense, newbies. Okay, offense,
newbies. XD
To Be Continued...
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