Sorry for the HUGE delay, but, you know how it is. I gotta leave people in suspense, you know. Anyway... will Mario ever get to watch CSI: Miami? Will all his party members shut up? WILL MARIO DEFEAT BOWSER ONCE AND FOR ALL?! WILL I STOP SCREAMING QUESTIONS THAT ARE UNANSWERABLE?! NO WAY!!!
Chapter 15: Icy Sewers, Frozen Filth!
Peach: Great. Just, great. I hope you’re proud of yourself, Goombigi.
Goombigi: As a matter of fact I AM! In fact, to prove it, I'll do this!
Luigi: What?
Goombigi: NOTHING!!!
And now there will be no more intermissions. YAY! Cut to Mario, who is standing in front of the Deku Tree with Klevar.
Klevar: Here, take this! I'm allergic to it!
YOU GOT 6 STAR ENERGY!!!
Mario: Star Energy? Whazzat?
Klevar: I dunno. Have it, I don't want it!
Mario: That's very nice of you to give me something I don't care for. In fact, here's a gift in return!
Mario punches Klevar into a brick wall and leaves through the mouth of the Deku Tree, returning to Toad Town.
Bow: It says here we have to go to Merlon.
Mario: Why of all people Merlon?! I loath that carpet-loving @#$%! And I'm getting tired of him popping up all the time in the story!
Bow: Do you want to kill Bowser?
Mario: Yes, but why waste time trying to kill him myself when I can hire someone else to do it?
Bow: Who do you mean?
Mario: Well, depends. I'd usually call up Eggman and he'd do it.
Mario and Bow walk into Merlon's house and find him dealing Shrooms to a Ninji.
Mario: HEY! Give me some!
Merlon: Never! Not after you threw Pandora's Box through my window and ruined my carpet!
Mario: Sad faaaaaaace.
Ninji: *munch munch* This is some really good @#$%!
Mario: GIVE ME THOSE SHROOMS!!!
Mario snatches the Shrooms and dumps the Shrooms into his gob.
Ninji: HEY! THAT WAS MY @#$%!
Mario: That language is not appropriate!
Toad: @#$^&%$%^@#@#&^$%@!!!
Mario: NOO!!! TOAD HAS RETURNED, STEREOTYPICALLY SHOUTING CURSE WORDS!!!
Mario kicks Toad into the sun.
Mario: There we go.
Ninji: Go through the sewers!
Mario: Why?!
Ninji: You can get to the next world there, Shiver City.
Mario: Shiver City?! That doesn't sound like a dangerous world to me! That sounds downright bright and chipper! I HATE BRIGHT AND CHIPPER!!!
Ninji: Well, then you'd better hurry up. Bowser's Castle is the last place to go, and it's way more dangerous than any other world you've been.
Mario: Well, THANKS, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! I'm going to thank you right now. WITH STYLE!
Mario boots the Ninji in the face and delivers a HADOUKEN, an instant win.
Mario: Well, time to go down into the sewers. (Boy, I thought I'd never hear myself say that in such a cheery way.) Let's go, Bow!
Bow: On it, Mario!
Mario enters the sewer pipe and after 2 hours of trying to get over the enormous spike field, he gives up.
Mario: KOOPER! GET OUT HERE!
Kooper jumps out. Mario then punches him in the gut, causing him to regurgitate the mangled and nearly-digested Parakarry.
Parakarry: Ugh... So... much... intestines... Ack.
Mario: Well, now that's settled...
Mario grabs Parakarry, kicks him in the shell, and keeps demanding for him to fly.
Parakarry: Mario, I just spent 48 hours in a Koopa's stomach! Do you honestly think I can fly at this moment?!
Mario: Yes.
Parakarry: Well, you are wrong! TAKE THIS!
Parakarry uppercuts Mario and he flies across the field of spikes.
Parakarry: NO! I didn't mean to help you! AWWWW FUDGE!
Mario: Ha! You're lucky I don't have any pain-inflicting weapons! ... Wait, I do!
Mario slams Parakarry into the ground with his hammer.
Parakarry: OW!!!
Mario ignores Parakarry's pleas of euthanasia and heads over to a chest.
Mario: Chests- A gamer's best friend.
YoU... gOt...UlTrA... bOoTs!
Mario: WOAH! Did the author break the fourth wall?! Who said that?!
Bow: I think we should ignore it...
Mario: YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!
Mario slams Bow into the ground as well.
Bow: Urgh... Did you know that you can... Tornado jump?
Mario: I can? Sweeeeeet.
Mario tornado jumps directly under a brick block and smashes his head.
Mario: OUCH!
The springboard falls on him.
Mario: GAH!!
Bow: Now you know how Parakarry and I feel.
Bow and Parakarry stare deeply into each others' eyes.
Mario: Argh, stupid springboard... Well, let's go.
Mario notices that Parakarry and Bow are holding hands.
Mario: ... That meant both of you.
Bow: Fine.
They all jump on the springboard and advance to another room. Suddenly Mario receives a telepathic message...
Mario: What? What is it? Can't you see I'm busy? Y'know, with the adventure and all?
Ducky.10: Mario.
Mario: Ducky?!
Ducky.10: Yeah, it's me... Listen, I have to tell you something very important...
Mario: What? That I'm awesome?
Ducky.10: Besides that.
Mario: That we're making a massive Earthbound reference?
Ducky.10: Well, yeah. But Bowser has unleashed a secret weapon and is preparing for your arrival.
Mario: ... You mean ”The Thingy”?
Ducky.10: Well... Erm, yeah. But you still have a ways to go.
Mario: Why don't I just fast forward to Bowser's castle?
Ducky.10: OH, NO YOU DON'T!
Mario pulls out the remote and presses the button. Nothing happens!
Mario: WHAT IN THE WORLD, MAN!
Bow: Who are you shouting at?
Parakarry: You're freakin' us out!
Mario: Err- Never mind! Let's just keep going!
Mario keeps wandering aimlessly until he finds a pipe.
Mario: Cooooooooooooooool.
Mario goes down the pipe and finds a frozen part of the sewer.
Bow: Hey, I see a frozen chocolate bar!
Parakarry: No no, that's not for eating.
Mario: Why would part of the sewer be frozen... Hm... *gasp* Maybe Eggman, Bowser, Porky, Giygas, and WEEGEE all teamed up! I KNEW IT!
Bow: Yeah, either that, or you're over exaggerating.
Mario: How many times must I say this... GET BACK IN MY @$%#&@$ POCKET!!!
Bow and Parakarry: Meep!
They jump into Mario's pocket. Mario then jumps in a pipe, but gets stuck.
Mario: What the- HELP! I'm stucked!
Parakarry: That's cuz you're obese.
Mario: Hey! Have you seen WARIO lately?
Parakarry stomps Mario down the pipe.
Mario: I'LL GET YOU, PARAKARRYYYYyyyyyy...
Chapter 16: Baby, it's cold outside... LET ME IN!
Mario and his party are now in Shiver City.
Mario: You're gonna pay for that, Parakarry!
Mario pulls out an old classic move of his called PSI GAMING!
Parakarry: Argh! I am being struck with pixelated pain!
Mario: Man, so many Earthbound references... Anyway, let's get a move on, people!
The party grumble and follow Mario into a random house, where he climbs the shelves and leaps onto the balcony next door. He goes inside and finds a badge.
YOU GOT THE ATTACK FX E BADGE!!!
Mario: What does it do?
NO CLUE.
Mario: Well, aren't you nice and informative?
MY MOMMY SAYS I AM... I HATE YOU GUYS!!!
Mario: Well, now that's settled...
Mario and his party advance to a lower building, the mayor's house... They enter, only to come across a grizzly sight too gorey not to censor.
Parakarry: OH MY DAD!!! This looks like something out of one of those slasher flicks!
Bow: I can't look!
Parakarry and Bow huddle in fear.
Mario: Geeze, you're all acting like it's a big deal. It's just a dead body. I've seen worse.
Parakarry: Yeah, but look at all that [CENSORED], and there's [CENSORED] everywhere, and- OH MAN!!! I think I'm stepping in his [CENSORED]!!!
Mario: Buddy, COULD YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT THE [CENSORED]?! This is a Penguin Murder Mystery! OoooOOOOOoooooOOOO!
Bow: Mario, you're scaring us!
The lighting suddenly becomes a blood red and Mario pulls out a corncob pipe.
Mario: Do you smell that in the air? ... Besides the smell of gore, there is a particular scent in the air at the moment. It is FEAR. Yes, fear... and from the look at this grizzly sight, I couldn't deny that fear is in the air this fine afternoon. Now, we must solve this murder, and fast. The clock is ticking, and every moment we stand idly, the killer could be about... stalking his new prey... Time is of the essence. We must hurry, comrades!
As soon as Mario leaves the room, the lighting turns back to normal. Bow and Parakarry both exit the house. But as soon as they leave, the lighting turns back to red as Mario is harassing civilians.
Penguin: Look, I don't know who you are, but-
Mario: Is not knowing who I am an
excuse for murdering your mayor?! Do not lie to me, for
if you do, I will pull the truth
out from the depths of your mind BY FORCE. Now, I'm going
to ask you ONE MORE TIME- Did you
or did you NOT murder your mayor?!
Bow: Mario! Stop it! Besides, this red lighting is creepy.
Parakarry: Yeah, this is madness!
Mario: ... Madness? (Man, it's about time I made this joke.)
A gigantic pit opens behind Parakarry and Bow, just as Mario suddenly is seen capless, in a red cape and black speedo, and holding a spear.
Bow: What is he doing?
Parakarry: Oh NO. OH NO, NO, NO, NO. Mario, you... you aren't planning to-
Mario: THIS... IS... SPARTA!!!
Mario kicks Bow and Parakarry into the pit of death in super slow-mo, the worst possible way to go. They somehow fall out of the sky and land rather harshly. Mario's clothes appear back on and he slips on his hat. He then whistles and Parakarry and Bow are sucked into his pocket.
Mario: Ha! That was pretty clever.
Mario goes south until he happens upon a frozen pond.
Mario: Oh, look. There's a key in the ice. Oh, wait, that's right. Someone ATE Sushi!
Kooper: It wasn't my fault!
Mario: Well, looks like I'm gonna have to dive for it.
Mario suddenly appears in a swimsuit and leaps into the ice stomach-first, shattering the ice. He falls into the freezing water and turns into a Mariocicle.
Mario: C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-collllddd...
Parakarry: That was pretty sad.
Mario: Didn't I kick you into the pit of death?
Bow: DEFYING OF LOGIC TIMES TWO
Mario: ... Okayyyy... Go get that key for me.
Parakarry: Why should I?
Mario: Imbecile. You didn't think I meant you, did you?
Parakarry: Wow, Mario! That's the most thoughtful thing you've-
Mario: You should bring Bow along, too! That way I can have the key, I could watch you two freeze to death, and live through the rest of my life knowing I have taken lives with no regret!
Parakarry and Bow: :O
Mario: Nahh, just kidding, I'll find a way to get it.
Suddenly the key floats out of the pond and lands in Mario's hand.
Mario: How did-Ikuh-Gurack-HUH?!
Ducky.10: It is always necessary to loan a friend a helping hand...
Mario: Just hearing you say that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Now I can continue my journey knowing that those pranks you pulled on me earlier in the story were a misunderstanding.
Ducky.10: Ah, no, I did that because you acted like a moron in my old Scribbles.
Mario: ... I will brutally murder you in your sleep.
Ducky.10: We'll see who has the last laugh. HA!
Mario: HA!
Ducky.10: HA, HA!
Mario: HA, HA, HA!
Ducky.10: You win this round!
Bow: Mario, who were you talking to?
Mario: Yer momma. Now shut up and drive me to work.
Bow: That... doesn't make any sense.
Mario: No it doesn't. :)
YOU GOT THE WAREHOUSE KEY!!!
Mario: That was a bit delayed.
Must you complain about everything?
Mario: Yes.
Bow: Can we go now?!
Mario: If you don't shut up, I'm going to rip out your [CENSORED] and shove it in your [CENSORED]!
Parakarry: You have a colorful vocabulary.
Mario: And you're gonna have a colorful face in a minute- a wonderful mixture of BLACK AND BLUE.
Parakarry: Eep!
Mario: Now let's go already. This mindless spamming of text is probably causing the reader to feel overwhelmed.
Bow: That key you have opens a house right over there.
Mario: How do you- Oh, Nintendo Power. Right. Let's go.
Mario and Co. unlock the house and find it empty.
Mario: HUH?! What was the point of unlocking this house?!
Bow: You're supposed to go up and climb out the window to go down the chimney of the next house.
Parakarry: Wow, you sure are smart.
Bow: Thanks! :3
Mario: All right, I don't mean to interrupt your wooing, but we HAVE AN ADVENTURE TO COMPLETE!
Bow: Fine! You don't have to yell at us!
YEAH!!! THAT'S MY JOB!!!
Mario: Shut up, Item Get Guy! This doesn't concern you!
Mario goes up to the next level of the house and begins hocking loogies at civilians below.
Bow: Mario! What are you doing?!
Mario: What does it look like? *ptooie*
Penguin: *splat* What the- AWW, SICK, DUDE!
Mario: He he!
Bow: MARIO!
Mario: Hey, can't an adventurer have some fun?
Mario (from Hotel Mario): NO.
Mario: Shut up! You're a mockery!
Luigi (from Hotel Mario): Spaghetti!
Mario: You, not so much.
Mario slides over to the next house and leaps through the chimney.
Mario: Woohoo!
Mario and his party members land in the lit fireplace of the house, with a puzzled-looking penguin looking at them.
Mario and Party Members: AAAAH!!! WE'RE ON FIRE!!!
Mr. Herringway: Holy teacakes! SANTA CLAUS AND HIS REINDEER ARE ON FIRE!!! I'LL SAVE YOU, SANTA!!! AND THEN I'LL GET A TIM ALLEN MOVIE MADE AS A DOCUMENTARY!!!
The penguin grabs a nearby newspaper and begins swatting the burning group. The newspaper catches fire.
Mr. Herringway: Oh, NO! It looks like I'm going to have to use a sample of my newest creation! I call it- THE FIRE ELIMINATOR!!!
So Mr. Herringway grabs "The Fire Eliminator"- which happens to be a bucket of water- and douses the flames.
Mario: Thank DAD you saved us!
Bow: We owe us your life!
Mario: And twenty coins.
Parakarry: Mario! You're CHARGING him for saving our butts?!
Mario: He could have saved us a good two seconds earlier.
Bow: Normally, when a bunch of people crawl down someone's chimney and land in the fireplace, the first thing the person witnessing this would do is panic.
Parakarry: How do you know this?
Bow: *sniff* Because it happened to Santa last Christmas at Boo Mansion! *sob*
Mario: How delightful. Anyway, twenty coins, let's go.
Mr. Herringway: Bless your soul! By the way, I'm Mr. Herringway.
Mario: Yeah, apparently your mayor has been brutally murdered in his home.
Mr. Herringway: Oh, NO WAY. I was just about to go do that!
Everyone: ...
Mario once again pulls out his corncob pipe and the lighting goes blood red.
Mario: If you were about to murder your mayor, what kept you from doing so?
Mr. Herringway: What...?
Mario: Speak the truth, you merciless penguin. Don't try to lie to us. We know the truth about your past...
Mr. Herringway: Now look here, Santa, you'd best be on your way.
Mario: Oh, but before I leave for my delivery, I have a present for you... A pair of shiny bracelets!
Mario slaps a pair of cuffs on Mr. Herringway and informs the Shiver City Police. They arrive quickly and arrest Mr. Herringway. During the autopsy of the mayor, they happen upon a key.
Bow: That opens up a gate to the east of the city.
Mario: Man, I would have to admit that those past paragraphs were pretty dark... Anyway, let's keep going!
Mario and those other guys head east and right when they unlock the gate, an annoyance from earlier in the story appears once more.
Bow: Jr. Troopa?!
Mario: Didn't I shoot you with my shotgun?
Jr. Troopa: Err, PLOT HOLE! Anyway, I have a new technique to beat you, he he! MAGIC!
Jr. Troopa pulls out a top hat.
Jr. Troopa: There's nothing in it, right?
Mario: No. I can see the rabbit at the bottom. YOU STINK!
Mario throws a tomato at Jr. Troopa and he runs away crying.
Bow: What a @$%#%&#@$.
Mario, Parakarry, Kooper, Watt, Sushi: :O
Mario: Wow, Bow. I never knew you had it in you. Wait, SUSHI?!
Kooper: Yeah, I regurgitated him earlier.
Sushi: It was a horrifying experience I will never forget...
Mario: I figured. Now let's go.
They continue down the path and happen upon a very scary monster.
Mario: OH DEAR. A VERY SCARY MONSTER.
Monstar: Correction- A VERY SCARY MONSTAR!
Mario: Well, isn't that creative. I'm afraid you have to die now.
Mario smashes Monstar with his hammer, and the foe happens to be a group of Star Kids under a painted blanket.
Star Kids: Um... CHEESE IT!
The Star Kids cheese it.
Mario: Huh. What do you know?
Mario continues down the path until he comes across a line of snowmen. Two have no hat or no scarf.
Bow: Hm...
Mario: Good thing I still have my Amish costume from the Halloween party! That's the only thing I can remember that night except that freak accident.
Bow: You weren't dressed as an Amish guy, you were dressed as Dracula!
Mario: Hey, my memory's still groggy from the trauma. Wait... Then where did I get my Amish costume from?
The game pauses and Ducky.10 enters.
Ducky.10: Hi. I'm Ducky.10. Now, I bet you all are wondering: "What is this 'Halloween Party Accident' Mario keeps referring to?" Well good sir or madame, a Scribble of mine is entitled 'The Halloween Party Incident', so go read that. Now keep reading this fan fiction and stop being nosey.
The game starts up again.
Mario: ... Woah. It feels as though part of the fourth wall was broken. Anyway, this top hat and scarf should fit these snowmen just fine!
Mario places the hat and scarf on each of the snowmen. Suddenly a door opens before the party.
Mario: Woah.
Bow: That's the entrance to Shiver Mountain, where the Crystal King resides.
Mario: YAY, another pointless boss that
I can destroy it two seconds flat. Let's go!
Chapter 16: Ice and Crashing
Mario enters and attempts to jump a gap, but fails.
Mario: EPIC FAIL!
Bow: Don't worry, that frozen switch beneath you should help!
Mario: ... I knew that.
Mario tornado jumps and breaks the ice. He then jumps on the switch, and it teleports him in front of the gap, where a bridge forms.
Mario: Coolio.
Suddenly they hear organ music playing The Phantom of the Opera very loudly.
Mario: Woah, cool. And creepy.
Booming Voice: THE PHAAAANNNTOM OF THE O-PAY-RAW IS THERE... IN-SIDE MY MIIIIIIIINNNNNNDD!!
Bow: Eugh! What kind singing is that?!
Mario: I believe that qualifies as a heaping helping of horrible.
Parakarry: We've got to get through this place.
Mario continues and happens upon a block. He hits it and gets a single coin.
Bow: WAIT! If you use Watt, you'll see a hidden chest above the block!
Mario: All right, Watt, let's see what you can dooo!
Mario yanks Watt out of his pocket and Watt shines all over the place, revealing the chest.
Watt: YAY, the author gives me love. :3
Mario: All right, get back in there.
Watt zooms back into Mario's pocket and he continues through the icy corridors until he happens upon a pebble.
Mario: What the...?! WHY A PEBBLE?!
Mario whips the pebble across the room and it hits a switch, making stairs appear.
Mario: ... Woohoo!
Mario goes up the stairs and happens upon a switch across a gap. He pulls Kooper out of his pocket and kicks him across thin air, hitting the switch. Suddenly, 2 Koopers are seen.
Mario: WHA?! Who?!
Koopers: What the- THERE'S TWO OF ME!!!
Kooper 1: This is ridiculous! I'm the real Kooper!
Kooper 2: NO, I'm Kooper! Look, Mario, I've been with you 90 percent of this adventure, I know everything you did, said, and everywhere you went!
Mario: We'll see... Question: Did Goombario enjoy the taste of Sushi?
Both Koopers raise their hands.
Mario: First one.
Kooper: YES, and I heard him say it.
Mario: Good enough for me. Now, IT'S HAMMER TIME!
Mario smacks the second Kooper with his hammer, revealing a Duplighost.
Mario: Seeya!
Mario kicks the Duplighost, sending him flying into the atmosphere.
Kooper: Thanks for trusting me.
Mario: That was a pure gamble. Be lucky you answered correctly. Now, this is getting boring, so I'm gonna go ahead and fast forward.
Mario presses the button and things speed through like mad. Suddenly it begins rewinding, and Mario appears all the way back at the twister mat.
Luigi: Good game.
Mario: ... WHAT IN THE WORLD JUST HAPPENED?!
Luigi: What are you talking about?
Mario: NOOOOOO!!! ALL MY SAVE DATA IS LOST!!!
Luigi: Oh geeze, were you playing Napkin Mario again? You know our Lemmy 64's busted, right?
Mario: Awww, Ducky was about to complete a decent Fun Fiction, too!
Luigi: That stinks... Wait, I almost forgot. EMULATOR POWERS ACTIVATE!!!
Mario suddenly appears back at Shiver Mountain.
Mario: Okay, it has occurred to me that the fourth wall has officially been annihilated. ... Let's just keep going before the story crashes again.
Mario continues until he finds a wall.
Bow: You can walk through it.
Mario: OOH, godly...
Mario steps through the wall and sees a crystal sitting on the ground with a star-shaped stone within it. A ghost suddenly appears.
Mario: ACK! A GHOST! WHO WILL I CALL?!
Merlar: A ghost I am not, an ally of you I am.
Mario: What are you, one of Gruntilda's sisters?
Merlar: Glaghaga bromhumbrump tyractrorus putramba.
Mario: Mou ghatidge da hoombrumb?
Merlar: Grahaga bab.
Mario: Okay, you're an ancient spirit and ancestor of Merlon, you're centuries old, and you've come to give me the Star Stone?
Merlar: An understanding of my matters, you have, so go you must. Take Star Stone you will or pass to the Crystal King you cannot!
Mario: Okay.
Parakarry: I am so confused. :/
Bow: Don't look into it, you'll just bust a brain.
YOU GOT THE STAR STONE!!!
Mario: It's a stone, Luigi! You didn't make it!
Kooper: HA! Funny!
Mario: Anyway, let's keep moving! We're so close to the end!
Bow: I've never heard you so cheery, Mario. It's kinda scary.
Mario: I'm cheery because after the adventure's done, I'll get to kick all of you into the pit of death, I get to beat up Bowser, Peach will forgive me, and I'll go home and watch CSI: Miami!
Parakarry: It amazes me how much the author sells out. What's next? Product placement?!
Bow: Shh, don't give him ideas-
PEPSI- NOW AVAILABLE IN 6 PACKS!!!
ANGELS AND DEMONS- STILL NOT OUT ON DVD!!!
TWILIGHT- SADDEST ATTEMPT FOR A MOVIE EVER... FOR ONLY $9.99!
Mario: Now look what you've done. Just pray he doesn't say-
EAT AT JOES!
Bow: Great, now Apple Kid's gonna sue us. Look what you've done!
Mario: You had to make him say it. What's wrong with you, Parakarry?!
Parakarry: Don't blame me, it was a parody from the start!
Mario: What?
Parakarry: This was a parody OF a parody!
Mario: Is that even legal?
Bow: Technically, yes.
Mario: YAY, WE'RE NOT GETTING SUED! No thanks to you, Parakarry. Now let's keep going.
Mario leaves the room and continues until he finds a block of ice with a star's imprint in it. He places the Star Stone there and random stairs appear.
Mario: Sa-weet!
Mario leaps up the stairs and hits a block, and gets a badge.
YOU GOT THE MEGA JUMP BADGE!!!
Mario: Pwner, owner, ice cream coner! Now I can destroy enemies in a single jump!
Bow: That's not what it-
Mario: Cram it, I'm about to fight the boss.
Mario then continues to the right, hits the save block, and stops in front of a large ice structure.
Mario: I assume this is the Crystal Palace.
Bow: Yup. This is the Crystal King's place.
Mario: LET'S DO THIS.
Chapter 17: The Phantom of Crystal Palace
Mario and his party enter the Crystal Palace, which appears to be separated through the middle by reflective ice.
Mario: Woah, funky.
Bow: Okay, go through that door.
Mario goes through the door and finds a chest. He opens it and a blue key is revealed.
YOU GOT A BLUE KEY!!!
Mario: Yayz.
Bow: Now go back up.
Mario does so, and unlocks a blue door. He enters it, revealing a room with a crack in the wall.
Mario: Darn! I remember I ate Bombette earlier! ... Hmmmm. Say, Parakarry, could you help me with something?
SEVERAL HEIMLICH MANEUVERS LATER...
Bombette: Eww...
Mario: Bleh, what an ordeal... Anyway, let's blast open that wall!
Mario whips Bombette at the wall, blasting it open. Mario enters through the room, revealing another crack in the reflection.
Mario: Hmmm...
Mario notices a gap in the glass and runs through into the reflection. He then blasts open that wall, revealing a Star Piece.
Mario: Oh, no. I hope that stupid Kolorado doesn't pop-
Kolorado: GIMME THAT STAR PIECE!
Mario: OH, I JUST HAD TO SAY IT! What are you doing here anyway?!
Kolorado: Mooching Star Pieces off people. Now gimme that Star Piece so I can sell it on Ebay for double the price!
Mario: Tell you what, I'll give you something better.
Kolorado: What's better than a Star Piece?
Parakarry: Oh, no. Here comes another Internet meme...
Mario: A FALCON PAAAWWWNNNCCH!!!
Mario Falcon Punches Kolorado through the ceiling and across the world map.
Mario: YAY! :D
Mario exits the reflection room and goes into another door, finding another item.
YOU GOT A SHOOTING STAR!!!
Mario: When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are...
Bow: Don't sing.
Mario: Shut up.
Mario then leaves through the door beside the Shooting Star and finds a room with a black panel.
Bow: You can tornado jump on that- Hey, where did my Nintendo Power book go?
Mario: I've been using it to get all the items, sorry!
Bow: Give it back, I subscribed, YOU didn't!
Mario tornado jumps on the panel and falls down a hole. He then finds ANOTHER item.
YOU GOT THE P-DOWN, D-UP BADGE!!!
Mario: *giggle*
Parakarry: Oh, aren't you mature.
Mario: He he, sorry.
Bow: Okay, now go back through the reflection and blast open the hole in the ground in the other room.
Mario: ... Huh?
Bow: Okay, here's my chance to communicate with Mario... Grahagrab juhugless bubaglah fagabal.
Mario: Your camel needs juice bean candy cane? You obviously need to work on your vocabulary. What we need to do is go back through the reflection and blast open the hole in the ground in the other room.
Bow: THAT'S WHAT- ... Never mind. >:(
Mario then leaves back into the room through the reflection and blasts open the hole in the ground. Mario leaps down and happens upon another crack in the wall.
Bombette: NO!!! NOT ONE-MORE-TIME!!!
Mario: You're gonna explode and you're gonna like it!
Bombette: I JUST SPENT FOUR CHAPTERS STUCK IN YOUR STOMACH!!! DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I-
Mario whips Bombette at the crack in the wall, blasting it.
Bombette: ... I hate you.
Suddenly several Bombette clones appear.
Mario: O_o Woah.
Bombettes: WHICH ONE? He he he he he he!
Mario smacks the first one with his hammer.
Bombette: OW!!! THAT WAS THE REAL ME, YOU IDIOT!!!
Mario: I know. I'm just getting ready...
All the Bombette clones turn back to Duplighosts.
Bombette: Getting ready for what?
Mario: I'm getting ready to FIRE MAH LAZOR!!! BLAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHH!!!
Mario FIRES HIS LAZOR and eliminates all the Duplighosts.
Parakarry, Bow, Kooper, Sushi, and Bombette: :O
Mario: So many memes, so little time.
Mario then enters through the crack and finds another item.
YOU GOT THE RED KEY!!!
Mario: Blue key, red key, I'm sensing a pattern.
Bow: Now you have to go back to the Palace entrance and retrace your steps.
Mario: Why?! Were the designers TRYING to tick me off?!
Shigeru Miyamoto: Yup! NOW GET BACK TO WORK!
Mario: YES SIR!
Bow: YES BOSS!
Parakarry: YES SIR BOSS!
Mario: STOP.
Miyamoto, Bow, and Parakarry: Fine...
So Mario, unbelievably close to the boss, fast forwards to the beginning of the palace because he's lazy. He then hits a switch, and the whole wall of the palace shifts, revealing a red door.
Mario: WOAH.
Mario unlocks it and enters a room with a White Clubba. He boots the Clubba out the window and continues fast forwarding until he gets to a room full of Rhinos.
Bow: This is the easiest puzzle ever. Seriously. Leave the room and go through the mirror image.
Mario then enters the mirror-corresponding room, where all the Rhinos remain.
Bow: Just talk to them and push them onto the spaces.
Mario: I KNOW!!!
Mario walks up to a Rhino.
Rhino: You can't go through here unless you solve the Puzzle. Once you solve the Puzzle, we'll let you through.
Mario: Um... okay.
The Rhino then spins around, facing forward. Mario then pushes the Rhino's statue backward, moving the Rhino forward. Mario then spins the Rhino around again until it's facing right, getting an earful of the same dialogue over and over.
Mario: I swear, if I hear one of these Rhinos say this again, SO HELP ME DAD...
Mario spins all the other Rhinos until they all face in the right direction. Problem is, they're all unconscious.
Bow: Did you knock them all out?!
Mario: They kept saying that same sequence of words over and over! IT WAS ANNOYING ME!!!
Suddenly, more random stairs appear.
Mario: WATT, GET OUT HERE!
Watt gleefully zooms out of Mario's pocket.
Watt: YAY! More usefulness! :D
Mario: You bet, now let's go beat that Crystal King, save the Mushroom Kingdom, collect the final Star Spirit, and WATCH CSI: MIAMI!!! ... And by let's, I mean ME.
Watt: Aww.
They enter the door and get blasted with more Phantom of the Opera.
Mario: GAAHH!!! MY EARS!!!
Crystal King: THE PHAAANNNNNTTOOM OF THE OH-PAY-RAW IS THERE... INSIIIDE MY MIIIIIIIINNNNNDD!!!
Mario: STOP IT!
Crystal King: HUH?! Who goes there?! Oh, it's that fat red guy Bowser told me about!
Mario: ... NO ONE CALLS ME RED... Have at you!
ACTUAL BATTLE FOR ONCE!!! :O
Crystal King
HP: Something!
DF: REALLY HIGH
Mario
HP: Something or other
DF: Do you really care?
Mario: Wow, how informative. Anyway, die!
Mario jumped! The attack is ineffective.
Mario: WHAT IS THIS?! POKEMON?!
Watt used water gun! 23 damage!
Mario: That... makes no sense.
The Crystal King used big freeze! 7 damage!
Mario: Ow. DIE!!!
Mario said something nasty! Crystal King's guts went down by 1!
Mario: Oh, so now it's Earthbound.
Watt used electro charge! 15 damage!
Mario: This is weird...
Crystal King used frost bite! Watt couldn't stop crying!
Watt: WAAAHHHHH!!!
Mario: This is really lame...
Mario used MEGA JUMP! MORTAL DAMAGE!
YOU WIN!!!
Crystal King: Grr, that battle was really lame. But you win, so take your stupid Star Spirit! He was starting to annoy me anyway.
The Crystal King explodes and Kalmar floats in.
Kalmar: *with The King's voice* You've saved me!
Mario: DON'T YOU START.
Kalmar: Fine. It was gonna be funny, too. :(
Mario: Anyway, now that I've collected all the Star Spirits, now what?
Kalmar: We must head back to the Shooting Star Summit, so that we all may ascend to Star Haven. We also have a bar, open 24 hours, free booze, and not to mention a karaoke machine. Do you want to go?
Mario's mouth is hanging open and he is wide-eyed.
Mario: ... You're serious?
Kalmar: 100 percent.
Mario: THEN LET'S GO, GO, GO!!!
Mario fast forwards all the way to Shooting Star Summit, where a magical elevator sits.
Bow: You don't have to shout, we're all in your pocket.
Mario: Oh. Well, let's go then.
I told you this was gonna be the final part... and I lied. HA, HA, HA! Oh well, REALLY LAST PART coming soon! Really! No joke! Not foolin'! I ain't messing with you, tellin' the truth, really!