Napkin Mario

By ducky.10

Note: This is yet another humorous parody of Paper Mario. I suggest you get yourself a snack to enjoy this one. I strongly suggest chocolate. NO OBJECTIONS!!! Now, this may contain situations involving intense violence, crude humor, defying of all logic, and mindless alterations to the original storyboard. I suggest you let your youngest friend or child read. Have a nice day.
 

Prologue: Hopefully Not Another Adventure

Our story begins not like any other story. It starts off with loud music and Mario and Luigi playing Twister. They spin the wheel.

Luigi: Yellow! Ugh!

Luigi falls over. A fanfare plays and Mario jumps up and throws confetti everywhere.

Mario: Ha! I win!

Luigi: Good game.

Mario: Yeah. I whooped you.

Luigi: Did not! Wait- Hey, look over there!

Mario: What?

Luigi grabs the Twister mat, the spinner, and the boom box, throws them out the window, and fires at them with a rocket launcher, leaving a giant, smoldering crater.

Mario: Poor sport.

Luigi: Monkey boy.

Parakarry: MAIL CALL!

Mario: Kamikaze!

Mario leaps out the front door, tackles Parakarry, and mindlessly beats on him.

Parakarry: I... just wanted to... give you... your mail...

Mario: Mail? MAIL?!

Parakarry covers his eyes.

Mario: Why didn't you say so?!

Mario snatches the letter and runs back in the house, leaving Parakarry broken and bruised.

Luigi: Oh, lookie. A letter from Peach.

Mario: Ah, another letter from Peach. Right, right-WAIT, PEACH?!

Mario runs over to a bust of Abraham Lincoln and lifts the head up, revealing a button. He presses it and a big hatch opens in the ceiling, and a giant laser cannon takes position. It fires and vaporizes the letter. It retracts back into the ceiling.

Mario: Have you forgotten the last ten times we went to Peach's parties?!

Luigi: 'Fraid so. What went wrong?

Mario: Well, first off, she makes us play painful party games. Like that time we played "Pin The Bob-omb on the Mario"?

Luigi: Oh yeah. He he.

Mario: And who could forget the time we played "Everybody Beats Up Mario"? AND USED HAMMERS?!

Luigi: That was fun.

Mario: And what about the time-

Luigi: WHO CARES?! We're still going.

Mario crosses his arms and sticks up his face.

Shaggy: Would you do it for a Scooby Snack?

Luigi picks up a baseball bat and smacks Shaggy in the stomach.

Ducky.10: Wow, that was pretty random.

Luigi: Yeah...

...

Mario: Fine, I'll go.

They leave the house and make their way to Toad Town.

Luigi: Peach's Castle is through that big blue gate.

Mario: You don't say. I changed my mind. I don't wanna go to the castle. See ya.

Mario walks to the right and falls in a pipe. It leads underground, where it's pitch black.

Mario: Wow! Dark.

Mario feels around and finds a light. He flips it on, revealing a tunnel full of angry bats.

Meanwhile, outside the pipe, Luigi is waiting. Mario climbs out of the pipe with bite marks and shreds in his overalls.

Mario: Okay, let's go.

They go through the gate and follow a trial to the entrance. There, two guards await them.

Guard: Go right in.

Mario: Thanks.

Mario walks up to the door and shakes the doorknob.

Guard 2: The problem is, we have the key.

Luigi: May we please use it?

Guard: Uhhh... No.

Mario: DIE!!!

Mario takes out a baseball bat, KOs them, and takes the key.

Luigi: Why would we have to unlock the door to get in to a public party?

Mario shrugs. They walk in and see lots of guests ready to greet them.

Toad: Hey, Mario! I see you made it!

Mario punches Toad in the face.

Luigi: That was uncalled for.

Toadette: Hi, Luigi!

Luigi punches Toadette in the face.

Mario: So was that.

Luigi: She fraternized me. YOU ALL SAW IT!

Everyone is staring blankly at Luigi. They make their way upstairs, and after a series of hallways, Luigi wanders to the bathroom and leaves Mario to find Peach on his own. He does, after a few more hallways.

Peach: Oh! Hi, Mario! Glad to see you made it.

Mario: Cut to the chase, will there be any party games?

Peach: No, not this year. Maybe next time. Now, follow me to my private chambers.

Mario: (Ha! Take that, Luigi. She loves ME! Not YOU! Stupid green-wearing-)

Everything starts shaking just as they are starting to head to the next room.

Mario: (Oh, @#$%.)

Everything outside goes from a happy, luscious blue, to an evil red and black.

Peach: Huh? Is it night time already? Okay.

Peach falls asleep standing up.

Mario: (I changed my mind. Luigi can keep her.)

The window smashes and Bowser flies in with his Koopa Clown Copter. However, it tips over and Bowser is sent flying into a china cabinet.

Bowser: OW!!! The expensive china is smashing in my face! BAND-AIDS WOULD BE NICE!!!

Koopa Clown Copter: Oopsie daisy!

Daisy: Yes?

Bowser punches Daisy out the window.

Bowser: No one say anything...

Kammy: I don't plan to.

Bowser punches Kammy in the gut.

Bowser: Enough jibber-jabber! Now, for my ultimate plan: kidnap Peach for probably the eighteen zillionth time! Gwa, ha, ha!

Luigi: Bro! I heard something! Is everything all right-EEEEEEEK!!! It's Bowser!

Luigi wets himself.

Mario: I THOUGHT YOU ALREADY WENT TO THE BATHROOM!

Luigi: SO DID I!

Bowser: Ha, ha, ha! That coward of a brother always makes me laugh! Now then, time to show Mario something that will give him the most clueless look EVER!

Bowser pulls out the Star Rod.

Bowser: THIS IS THE... um... It is the, uh... Um...

Kammy: It's the Star Rod.

Bowser: Wha? Who are you?

Mario: *groan*

Bowser: I'm just gonna call it "The Thingy". Anyway, Mario! Prepare to feel the wrath of The Thingy!

Luigi giggles.

Bowser: SILENCE, YOU BIG STUPID HEAD!

Bowser uses the Star Rod on Luigi and it shoots him out the window.

Luigi: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!

Mario: Well, there's one problem solved.

Rimshot.

Bowser: Now then! It's time to kick some blue-overalled butt!

BATTLE!
Mario's HP: 7
Bowser's HP: 10

Bowser: It's time to get The Thingy to give me power!

Bowser uses the Star Rod and gets all golden and sparkly.

Mario: Ooh... Sparkly...

Peach: *yawn* What?

Mario: Hey, Peach.

Peach: Oh. Bowser battle. It's time to fake enthusiasm. *ahem* Oh, NO! It's Bowser! Mario, help me!

Bowser: Can we please get on with it? I think it's pretty cliche, Mario. You come at me, I block you, I knock you over, she clings to me, you get stomped. Pretty obvious.

Mario: In your dreams.

Bowser: Yeah... You're probably right...

Peach: Just hurry up and SAVE me! I'm getting kinda bored.

Mario: What if I don't wanna save you?

Peach: (in a dark and evil voice) THEN MY HATRED FOR YOU WOULD BURN WITH THE INTENSITY OF OVER A THOUSAND DESERT SUNS FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY!!!

Mario: O.O

Peach: Have fun!

Bowser jumps up in the air and slams down on Mario.

Mario: OW! MY CRANIUM!

Mario's HP: 6

Mario jumps on Bowser, no effect.

Bowser: Huh? Was that your attack? Or did a mosquito bite me?

Mario: Huh?

Bowser: ... Seriously, I'm afraid of mosquitoes!

Bowser punches Mario.

Mario: Oof!

Mario's HP: 5

Mario jumps on Bowser, still no effect.

Bowser: Well, better wrap this up now. Seeya, Mario. Nice knowing you!

Bowser creates a giant blast of fire and totally owns Mario.

Peach: Well, I hate him now.

Bowser: Which technically means that you're available.

Peach: I hate you too.

Bowser: Allow me to get him out of our way, so we may begin the wooing.

Bowser kicks Mario out the window. Mario regains consciousness in midair.

Mario: Wha? Oh, yeah. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
 

Chapter 1: Landing in Goomba Village

Mario: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA*gasp*AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!

2 hours later, still falling...

Mario: *yawn*

2 more hours later...

Mario: *whistling*

2 more hours later...

Mario: Might as well look down now.

He looks down to see a flagpole top.

Mario: Oh, yay! I can slide down, safe and sound!

Guess again. Instead, he lands on it in a very uncomfortable position.

Mario: AAAAAUUGH!!!

Mario falls off it and passes out. As he is unconscious, holograms of the Star Spirits hover overhead.

Mamar: Oh, look. Another drunken, unconscious hobo.

Kalmar: No, this one is wearing RED!

Klevar: Such an intelligent observation, you dunderhead.

Muskular: You're the one to talk, Mr. I'm Too Scared To Use An Airport Bathroom.

Klevar: I happen to be violently allergic to dirty bathrooms and dust particles!

Eldstar: Enough! Give Mario your power.

Muskular: What if we don't wanna?

Eldstar: Then I'm docking your paychecks.

Klevar: NO! I'M VIOLENTLY ALLERGIC TO DOCKED PAYCHECKS!

Misstar: Fine, we'll give him our power.

They grumble and give Mario power.

Eldstar: Our work here is done. Let's go and egg Bowser's Castle again.

Klevar: I'm violently allergic to eggs.

Muskular: And I'm violently allergic to not punching you.

Muskular punches Klevar in the face. They vanish. Mario gets up.

Mario: I'm alive! It's A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

Goombaria runs down the path toward Mario.

Goombaria: Wow! You sure fell from really high up! Are you okay?

Mario: I-

Goombaria: It would be such an unfortunate accident if you would have fallen unconscious from the impact of the fall!

Mario: Yeah... I guess it would have-

Goombella grabs a rock and whips it at Mario's head, knocking him out.

Goombaria: It would also be an unfortunate accident if you would have fallen unconscious from the impact of the rock hitting your dumb, ugly face! Like what happened right now!

She runs back down the trail.

Goombaria: Goompa! I found an unconscious person! And I didn't do anything to cause it, like throwing a rock and hitting him in the dumb, ugly face!

Later, Mario is resting in a small hut, in a somewhat comfy bed. Eldstar appears as a hologram.

Eldstar: Whoo. Bowser will need to scrub pretty hard to get that off his wall. Heh. Oh, hey Mario. Uh, if you can here me, come to the Shooting Star Summit. It's a cool place, just east of Toad Town. And hurry up, before Klevar gets violently allergic to loneliness.

He vanishes. Mario gets up.

Mario: Ow... My head. What happened? Oh yeah.

Toad enters.

Toad: Mario! You're awake! Glad to see you again!

Mario: Oh, hey Toad. No hard feelings about punching you, right?

Toad: Oh, I'm still pretty ticked. But I'm locking my anger up inside until I can unleash it on someone else.

Mario: I suggest Luigi.

Toad: Yeah, Luigi's a big, fat @#$%*@^@$@#&%.

Mario: :O

Toad: No offence.

Mario: None taken. That was awesome.

Toad: Anyway, glad to see you're all right.

Mario: Wait, before you go, I saw a something before I woke up.

Toad: What was it?

Mario: I forget... Wait, I know!

Toad: What?

Mario: A vision of me winning the Super Bowl! :D

Toad: Oh, I wish I had a dream like that!

Mario: Also, a big star with a mustache.

Toad: That one, I'm not so sure about. Anyway, I forgot to mention, you're in Goomba Village.

Mario: Goomba? GOOMBA?! KILL GOOMBA!!!

Toad: NO! These are friendly Goombas!

Mario: Please! I only wanna kill one!

Toad: Fine. Which one?

Mario: The girl one.

Toad: Okay, follow me.

Toad leads him outside and Mario leaps over him and beats up Goombaria.

Goombaria: Oww... I just rendered you unconscious! What's so bad about that?

Mario: Keep talking, and I stomp harder.

Goombario: *heavy breathing*

Mario turns around, to see Goombario breathing down his neck with bloodshot eyes, sweating uncontrollably.

Mario: Um... Can I help you?

Goombario: I-AM-YOUR-BIGGEST-FAN!!!

Mario: ... That's nice...

Goombario: I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.

Mario: Anything?

Goombario: ANYTHING...

Mario: ... Go up to Goombaria and call her a @#$%@#$.

Goombario walks up to Goombaria.

Goombario: YOU ARE A @#$%@#$.

Goombaria: :O

Goombario walks back over to Mario.

Goombario: ANYTHING...

Mario: Not right now.

Mario walks into a cabin.

Gooma: Hello. I'm Gooma.

Mario: You don't say. *looks at above text*

Gooma: Goompa's out back working on the deck.

Mario: And I care why?

Gooma: He's got a hammer.

Mario: HAMMER!!!

Mario runs out the back door.

Goompa: Oh, hello there. Are you Mario-

Mario: Gimme your hammer, you old fart!

Goompa: MY HAMMER!!!

Goompa holds the hammer up really high and Mario's jumping to get it.

Mario: Woof, woof!

Goompa: Come on, boy! Come on and get it! Go get it!

Goompa fakes throwing it and Mario runs back through the cabin and looks for it outside.

Mario: You know what? I think he tricked me.

Goompapa: Doo dee doo doo, fixin' the gate. La la.

Mario: What are you doing, and should I care?

Goompapa: Yes! I'm fixing the gate! By the way, do you have a hammer?

Mario: No.

Goompapa: Well, I hear Goompa has a hammer. Could you go get it?

Mario: No.

Goombario: ANYTHING...

Mario: Go get Goompa's hammer.

Goombario runs into the cabin. However, he doesn't return for 2 hours.

Mario: WHAT THE @#$% IS TAKING HIM SO LONG?!

Goompapa: Mario! Please! There are children about!

Mario: You're saying Goombaria's a child? She looks like Kammy's face.

Goombaria runs away, sobbing.

Mario enters the cottage and goes out back, standing in midair.

Mario: Something seems different...

He looks down.

Mario: Oh, of course. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

CRASH!!!

Mario: Hey, I was supposed to FLOAT down!

Ducky.10: Napkins are heavier than paper!

Mario: But I fell as though I were a rock? Does that even- Ah, forget it.

He gets up and sees Goombario's feet sticking out of the ground.

Mario: I'll help- Wait, no. That would be a pretty bad move.

Mario goes over to Goompa.

Goompa: Wha? Who are you? Oh, wait. You're Mario. Uh, I hope there's no hard feelings about teasin' you with the hammer.

Mario: I have much bigger things to vent my anger out on.

Goompa: Well, Ive got good news and bad news.

Mario: Good news?

Goompa: Goombario's stuck in the dirt and can't move his mouth.

Mario: Bad news?

Goompa: I lost the hammer.

Mario: Crud.

Goompa: However, I saw it fall somewhere over there. Maybe it's in a bush or something.

They go to a bush-riddled area.

Goompa: It's somewhere around here. It looks just like this.

He holds up the hammer.

Goompa: Be sure to look very carefully and... Oh. I seem to have it right here.

Mario: *sigh*

Goompa: Well, we can get going now.

He goes out of site for a few seconds, and returns beat up. Jr. Troopa runs up to Mario.

Jr. Troopa: HEY! This is my playground! MINE!!! PREPARE TO FEEL THE WRATH-

Mario pushes him over.

Jr. Troopa: Ow, ow, OW!!! You haven't won yet! I'll be back!

Mario: And I'll whup you again.

Jr. Troopa: You stink!

He runs off.
 

Chapter 2: Beating the Goomba King

Goompa: Well, um That was pretty easy.

Mario: And you were beaten up by him.

Rimshot.

Goompa: Well, it's kinda hard to fight when you DON'T HAVE ARMS!!!

Mario: Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

The follow the path until they find a big yellow block. They break it, and go to an area with Goombas everywhere.

Goompa: Be careful! Those are Goombas that work for Bowser!

Mario: So what? I'll be all right as long as I have this.

Mario pulls out a remote.

Goompa: What good will that do-

Mario fast forwards time so he can get past all the enemies.

Goompa: That could be really useful!

Mario: Yeah! But too bad the batteries died...

Goompa: Let's just get back to the village.

They follow the trail and eventually find a gate. Goompa unlocks it and they're back in the village. There they are greeted by Goombella and, somehow, Goombario.

Mario: HOW DID YOU GET HERE?!

Goombario: I COULD FOLLOW YOUR 'STACHE ANYWHERE.

Mario: Kid, you scare me.

Kammy appears on her broom.

Kammy: *pant, pant* Sorry I'm late. I was supposed to break the gate over an hour ago.

Goompapa: You're not gonna break-

Kammy makes a giant block appear and squish the fence and Goompapa.

Goompapa: In my final breath, I CURSE GOOMBARIA!!! Gack! *thud*

Mario: She's already cursed. For being ugly.

Rimshot.

Goombaria runs away, sobbing. Again.

Kammy: Well, my work here is done. Time to go put extra-strength itching powder in Bowser's underwear drawer.

She flies off. Mario sighs, walks up to the gate, and uses his hammer to smash the block... and the squished corpse of Goompapa.

Goombario: ANYTHING...

Mario: Talk normally and without ALL-CAPS.

Goombario: EXCEPT THAT.

Mario boots Goombario in the face and sends him flying 50 yards. He steps over Goompapa's corpse and walks down the path and sees a Mushroom sign.

Sign: Mushrooms! The recover five HP! Unless it's a Goomba in disguise as a Mushroom that will pop out of the sign-

Mario: I think I know where this is going. If you're gonna send a Goomba after me, at least promise that you won't give it away on the spot.

A Goomba pops out.

Goomba: Take anything you want from me! My wallet! My cash! My car! Just don't hurt me!

The Goomba throws his wallet, a bag of coins, and car keys on the ground and runs away.

YOU MUGGED A GOOMBA! LEVEL UP!

LEVEL THREE!

Mario: Hold up, why three?

WHEN YOU FAST-FORWARDED THROUGH TIME, YOU  BEAT ALL THE ENEMIES. YOU LEVEL UP EVERY 10 ENEMIES.

Mario: Oh.

HP UPGRADED TO 15!

Mario: Sweet.

Goombario: HELLO...

Mario: Guaahh! Where did you come from?! I thought I booted you 50 yards!

Goombario: I COULD FOLLOW YOUR 'STACHE ANYWHERE.

Mario: Again, kid, you scare me. This is scarier than the time I went on the Ultra-Mega Scary Rollercoaster!

Flashback...

A young Mario is seen going on a Merry-Go-Round, screaming and crying for his mommy.

End Flashback...

Mario: *shudder* I still remember...

Goombario: ANYTHING...

Mario: Shut up.

Goombario's mouth randomly turns into a zipper and zips closed.

Mario: Thank you.

They continue down the path... until a familiar figure is seen behind a tree, shaking and muttering to himself...

Mario: A mysterious drifter! Wait... LUIGI?!

Luigi: M-Mario! I'm so glad to see you! I got beat up by these really scary monsters! GAH! THERE THEY ARE!!!

Two Goombas, one red and other blue, are standing on a ledge above them. They hop down and confront the Bros.

Blue Goomba: We're gonna kick your butts!

Red Goomba: Let's start with the green one! He hasn't had a close-up encounter with my foot yet!

Luigi: Help me!

Mario: You guys aren't so tough. I've had Laffy Taffy tougher than you.

Rimshot.

Blue Goomba: HOW DARE YOU?!

Red Goomba: It's on!

Mario punches Blue and tackles Red to the ground. They limp toward a castle upon a hill nearby.

Red Goomba: Waaah! Let us in!

Blue Goomba: Big Bro, please let us in!

???: You need to do the secret knock!

Red Goomba: WE DON'T HAVE ARMS!!!

???: All right, all right! Spare me your life story!

The door opens and they run in. After a few minutes of following a boring trail and constant pants wetting, they reach the top and find the castle.

Mario: I'm pretty broke, I'm gonna look for something valuable in any bushes.

Luigi: Mario, we have a bank account worth 46,999 coins.

Mario: Well, I have to clench my lust for money.

Luigi: What are you, Wario?

Mario: Why, yes I am!

Mario unzips himself, revealing Wario!

Wario: Wah, ha, ha!

Luigi: If you're Wario, then that means I'm Bowser!

Luigi also unzips himself, revealing Bowser.

Wario: Wait! If you're Bowser, then I'm Mario!

Wario unzips himself, revealing Mario.

Bowser: And if you're Mario, then I must be, in fact...

Bowser unzips himself, revealing Count Bleck. Mario walks up to him, unzips him, revealing Luigi.

Mario: Enough games, Luigi.

So Mario starts rummaging through random bushes. At first he finds nothing. However, when he gets near the far right side of the castle, he hears a conversation starting.

Blue Goomba: He's gonna be here any time now!

Goomba King: WRONG! He's staring at us through the window!

Red Goomba: Let's get him!

Goomba King: WRONG AGAIN! I'll get him.

At the very moment the Goomba King sits atop the ledge of the castle, Mario finds a blue switch. He pulls it out from the bush and shows it to the furious king.

Goomba King: NOO!!! DON'T PRESS THAT-

He presses it. Everything starts shaking and the brim of the tower falls off and squishes Red and Blue Goomba, just coming outside. The Goomba King tries to climb back up the tower for shelter, but the tower unfolds like a bridge and catapults him directly into Kammy, just flying by to spy on Mario. They fall to their demise off the cliff.

Mario: Wow. That was pretty hilarious.

Luigi: You think the readers liked it?

Goombario: HELLO...

Mario: Okay, bud. New rule: Stay at least four feet away from me.

Goombario backs up.

Luigi: Well, Mario, what are we gonna do now?

Mario: How about we have a little contest?

Luigi: Blackjack?

Mario: No. We're gonna see who can rescue the princess first.

Luigi: But-

Mario: Not Blackjack.

Luigi: Aw...

Mario: We each start from different directions. I go north, you go south.

Luigi: Cheapo! The castle is hovering north!

Mario: The decision is final! 1-2-3! GO!!!

And off they went.
 

Chapter 3: To the Shooting Star Summit

At Bowser's Castle, Peach is pacing back and forth in her room.

Peach: Hmm... How should I break up with Mario? Hmm... I could just say it's over, really quick... or I could let him down easy... Hmm...

???: PEEEEEEEEAAAAAAACCCHHH-

SMACK! A small star rams into the balcony doors and slides down.

Star: Ugh...

Peach opens the door.

Peach: OH, YOU'RE SOOOO CUTE!!! What's your name?

Twink: My name is Twink, and I have an urgent message for you! Mario is heading this way! Also, as a bonus, I'm faking enthusiasm! :D

Peach: *gasp* YOU TOO?

Twink: Yeah! Wow. I've only known you for three seconds, and it's like we-

Peach and Twink: Share a brain?

Peach: OMG ITS LIEK WERE CONNETCED SUMHOW1!!1!!

Twink: ZOMG YA1!!1

Peach and Twink: YAY!!1!!11

Twink: That was fun speaking L33T! What should I tell Mario?

Peach: Tell him it's not working out, but come save me anyways. OR ELSE!!!

Twink: Can do! I'm ultra-handy when it comes to breaking bad news. Or blackmail. Seeya!

Twink flies away just as Bowser is entering.

Bowser: Hey, what's-her-face! What is it again? Was it Plum? Pear? Apple? Cherry? Uhh... Mango? NO! It's... uh... Peach! Yeah, yeah, I knew that. Anyway, wanna go into my throne room and start the woo-factor?

Peach: ... You know what? ... Yeah.

Meanwhile...

Goombario: I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU. I WOULD EVEN KILL FOR YOU.

Mario: JUST SHUT UP!!! YOU'VE BEEN HARRASSING ME SINCE I EVEN STARTED MY ADVENTURE!!! YOU'VE BEEN TALKING FOR 14 HOURS STRAIGHT!!! JUST... You know what? No, just, no. Forget it.

Goombario: ...

Mario: Oh, wow. Five seconds without a single word. Keep it up.

Goombario: Sorry...

Mario: Whoop! The clock starts over!

With Luigi...

Luigi: Man, this stinks. Mario has a party member, and I don't have anyone...

Suddenly, a female Goomba wearing a green cap jumps out of a nearby bush.

Goomba: Omigosh, omigosh OMIGOSH! It's Luigi! Omigosh! I'm your biggest fan! Can this diva get your autograph?

Luigi: Ha! Sure! Who should I make this out to?

The Goomba hands Luigi a pad and paper along with a pen.

Goombigi: Make it out to me, Goombigi!

Luigi: Okay, from the green plumber, to Goombigi-

Luigi looks at her.

Luigi: You know, I could use a party member. You can come along!

Goombigi: Hab-bubba-ha-hab-habba-habb-habba...

Goombigi faints.

Luigi: Well, at least she shut up.

Crickets trill.

Luigi: Hey, how come Mario gets rimshots and I get crickets?!

Ducky.10: Red is more popular than green. Also, you smell and you're cowardly.

With Mario...

Mario: Time to use my remote!

Ducky.10: I though the batteries died.

Mario: Yeah, so I stole a pair out of Luigi's back pocket.

Mario clicks the button on the remote and everything fast forwards again, only this time, time restoreswith him over a cliff in midair. He looks down.

Ducky.10: Ah ha ha ha! Oh, this is just too good. I'll need my camera for this! PAUSE!!!

Everything freezes.

Mario: Um... How did you do that?

Ducky.10: I am the great and mighty AUTHOR! I can do anything. Now then, say cheese!

Mario: Um Che-

Ducky.10: UNPAUSE!!!

SNAP!

Mario: AHHHHHHH!!! *CRASH!!!*

Ducky.10: Ha! Perfect shot!

Mario awakes and finds himself laying in Toad Town Square. He immediately gets up and looks around.

Mario: Oh, cool. I should thank Ducky for that. But first, the shop.

Mario runs into the shop.

Shopkeep: Hey, man! I'm, like, totally, the owner! Can I, like, help ya?

Mario: Whatever, Mr. Hippie Guy. What's the classiest, most expensive thing youve got here?

Shopkeep: Well, we have, like, totally awesome, super, ultra, mega-cool-

Mario: WHAT IS IT?!

Shopkeep: Okay, dude! Chill! It's called the Universally Awesomest Remote. Also known as Tivo.

Mario: You're rarest item is TIVO?

Shopkeep: Yup! But there's something else...

Mario: What?

The shopkeep lifts up a green sack.

Shopkeep: This!

Mario: That's a garbage bag.

Shopkeep: Uh... No it's not!

Mario: Uh, yeah, it is.

Shopkeep: Nuh uh!

Mario: Uh huh!

Shopkeep: Nuh uh!

Mario: Then what's in it?

Shopkeep: Um... Oh! This!

He reaches in and pulls out a walkie-talkie.

Mario: What will that do?

Shopkeep: It's a bomb-radio! It contacts the Mushroom Navy, and tells them where to bomb! And they bomb it! That'll be 200,000 coins.

Mario: Ive got a better idea.

He takes it from the Shopkeep.

Mario: (talking into it) Mushroom Shop. Central Toad Town. Bombs away!

Mario steps outside, seconds before a barrage of missiles appears and blows the place to smithereens. Mario watches as it is blown to bits.

Mario: This should be useful.

Toad: Mario, you're a @#$%.

Mario: You're a what?

Toad: A @#$%...Wait. HEY!

Mario: Ha.

With Luigi...

Luigi: C-P-R! Oh, it's no use! Okay, okay. Calm down. It's just a dead Goomba. Nothing wrong with a dead Goomba. Now, to get rid of the body.

Luigi stuffs it in a bush.

Luigi: No one will ever know the difference...

At Bowser's castle, Bowser is in his throne room holding a pink book and writing in it.

Journal entry # 304,

Just finished wooing Peach. She's talking about engagement. You know what I have to say to that? WOOHOO! That little goody-goody doesn't know I'm using the marriage gag as an opportunity to hog the flat screen HD TV and that awesome Jacuzzi she has! Woo! I can almost feel those soothing hydrotherapy jets!

Love in a shell,

Bowser

Bowser: Ha! That was great!

Kammy: King Bowser!

Bowser:  Oh, it's you... Who are you again?

Kammy: I'm... ugh, forget it. I have urgent news! Mario has been spotted!

Bowser: Wait... I saw you die from my castle window! How did you live?!

Kammy: My broom isn't for sweeping, ya know.

Bowser: ... Then what's it for?

Kammy: Ugh.

Bowser: So what if Mario's coming? It'll be too late when he realizes our engagement rings!

Kammy: Hmm...Yyou seem to be right about that.

Bowser: Yeah, whatever I just said was pretty bright... right?
 

Chapter 4: Finally at the Shooting Star Summit!

Mario: Yay! I made it!

Mario is sitting in the middle of a cool, sparkly stone circle, with the Star Spirits circling him.

Eldstar: How did you get here?

Mario: I used the fast forward button.

Klevar: I'm violently allergic to buttons.

Muskular: You have some on your shirt.

Klevar: AHH!!!

Eldstar: Now, we have gathered here today to have an urgent word with Mario...

Mamar: But we don't even like him.

Eldstar: So? Now then. Mario... we have bad news.

Mario: Ugh. What is it?

Eldstar: *sniff* Taco Bell Tuesday has been cancelled, which means we can't have Taco Night! *sob*

Mario: *sniff* NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *sob* Why would Taco Bell do this to us?! *sob*

Eldstar: *sniff* I know... But more important, Bowser stole the Star Rod. Which he has renamed "The Thingy".

Mario: So what? I can just take it from him.

Eldstar: No you can't.

Mario: Why?

Klevar: I dunno, but whenever we even get near him, my violent allergies kick in.

Muskular: Yeah, all 157 of them.

Klevar: Shut up!

Twink: MMMMAAAAAARRRIIIIOOOOOO!!!

Twink crashes into the side of the mountain. He gets up.

Mario: Who's this?

Eldstar: Ugh, it's that little brat again...

Twink: Mario! I have an urgent message for you from Peach!

Mario: So? I don't care. I just care about that awesome flat screen HD TV and her Jacuzzi with the cool hyrdrotherapy jets!

Twink: Well, I'm telling you anyway. Peach-

Luigi suddenly appears and grabs Twink.

Luigi: TAKE ME TO BOWSER'S CASTLE!!!

Twink: Eek! O-okay! I'll do it!

Luigi: Ciao, Mario! I have a chick to save!

They fly away.

Mario: ...

Eldstar: Uh oh...

Klevar: I'm violently allergic to violent tantrums! Hurry me away from here!

The Star Spirit holograms disappear and Mario begins screaming all the dirty words and unsuitable language he can think of. With Luigi...

Twink: Ugh... Do you have to ride on my back?

Luigi: What? You expect me to fly there?

Twink: Actually, yes. I have magic dust.

Luigi: Okay, gimme some!

Twink: Um... In order for me to give you some...

Twink whispers in Luigi's ear.

Luigi: YOU HAVE TO FART ON ME?!

Twink: Well, that's where it comes from!

Luigi: *groan* If it means beating Mario in the bet, then... okay. Do it.

Twink: I don't need to.

Luigi: Why?

Twink: Because we're already here.

Luigi looks in front of them and sees the castle. Below, he sees a sewer pipe.

Luigi: And I think I just found our entrance.

Twink: Where? ... Oh, no. I'm not crawling up someone's toilet!

Luigi: So, what you're saying is: "No, don't go through a secret way, instead, knock on the front door and ask for the princess back".

Twink: NO! Ugh, fine...

With Mario...

Eldstar: Are you done?

Mario: *panting* Yup...

Klevar: Hurry! We're losing power... Bye, Mario! Seeya!

They all disappear.

Muskular: Wow, what a dork.

Klevar: Yeah, I'm glad I'm away from him. I'm violently allergic to-

Mario: I can still hear you, you know.

Eldstar: Oops! Bye! For real, this time. Oh, wait. I forgot to tell you, head back to Toad Town...

Mario: Why, what's in Toad Town?

Eldstar: Uh... Free booze.

Mario: WOOHOO!!!

Mario makes a stupendous jump off the mountain and follows the trail to Toad Town.

With Luigi and Twink, in the sewers...

Luigi: Okay, this constant swinging between two people is really annoying.

Ducky.10: Coming from a person who is scared of PB&J.

Luigi: You can't blame me! It really looked peculiar!

Twink: Can we just focus on wandering aimlessly in this stink hole?

Luigi: Do I have to answer that question?

Twink: No. Oh, look! A pipe! It may lead up into Peach's bathroom!

Luigi: What's so great about that?

Twink: Nothing! :D

They climb up the pipe. Suddenly, halfway up, the pair are splashed with green sludge, putting a sudden halt to their progress.

Luigi: Ew! WHAT IS THIS?! And do I want to know?!

Twink sniffs him.

Twink: (coughing) No, you don't want to know.

Luigi: Ugh!

They continue climbing. They finally see a light at the end of what seems like a long, narrow tunnel. They climb up it fully, just as Bowser is about to use it. Bowser notices them, however, and dashes out of the bathroom stall.

Bowser: AUGH!!! MY DOO-DOO IS ALIVE!!! GET AWAY!!!

He runs out of the bathroom screaming.

Twink: Ha, well, there's our "fear of getting spotted" problem solved.

Think again, Twink. Outside the bathroom is a fully-armed force of Koopatrols, waiting for the duo to exit.

Bowser: I swear, it was alive! And HUGE!

Koopatrol: Don't worry, Your Highness, we'll get this doody-monster.

Luigi (inside): Oh, I don't think so.

With Mario, back in Toad Town.

Mario: Whoo, it's good to be back. Now, where's the free booze?

Toad: There is no free booze. Not since you blew up the shop.

Mario: @#$%!!!

Mario, after emitting curses, notices a peculiar building.

Mario: What's in there?

Toad: Oh, that's Old Man Merlon's house. He's some weird fortune teller guy.

Mario: Whatever. Hey, those are some creepy-looking Toads up there. I'm gonna go see what they're like.

Mario walks over to them.

Toad: You can't go any further.

Toad 2: Nope, no way.

Toad 3: Our fortress is ahead.

Toad 4: And we have a Star Spirit there, so you're not gonna... Get... There... Oops.

Toad: Ugh, dude, why did you have to go and do that?

Toad 4: Dude, I swear it was an accident.

Toad 2: Dude! He's still here!

Mario stares blankly at them and runs over to Merlon's house.

Merlon: Who are you?! Why are you in my house?! Get off my carpet! It's expensive!

Mario: I'm gonna tear up that carpet unless you get those stupid emo Toads over there to move their butts before I kick them into next week.

Merlon: You wouldn't dare...

Mario makes a scuff mark on it with his shoe.

Merlon: Gah!

Mario dumps mud on it.

Merlon: Bah!

Mario sneezes on it, creating a puddle of snot.

Merlon: NO! MY CARPET! FINE! I'LL HELP YOU!

Merlon and Mario run outside and confront the Toads.

Merlon: THIS IS FOR MY CARPET!!!

Merlon zaps them with a weird electric spell, revealing their real forms: Koopas wearing different colored masks! GASP!

Red: Noo! Dude! You broke our disguises!

Green: That was pretty gnarly jolt, though.

Yellow: Yeah, I'd admit.

Black: Uh, dudes? We should be running now?

Red: What? Oh, yeah. KOOPA BROS! ABORT!

They run away. Mario follows the direction they headed, and finds a fork in the road... literally.

Mario: Who would be stupid enough to actually put a fork in the road?

Goombario: *whistles*

Mario: Let's take the high road!

Up there, they find a bridge with man-eating Piranhas raging about in the water below. On the other side is a blue switch.

Mario: Doh! Well, low road it is!

They go down the low road and find a swirly staircase of wooden steps. Mario trips over Goombario and they fall all the way down it. They meet the end of it, where they find Koopa Village, indicated by the many signs. Fuzzies are running and terrorizing everybody.

Goombario: ANYTHING...

Mario hands Goombario a bag.

Mario: Go round up the Fuzzies in this bag, and bring them to me.

He does so. Mario takes the bag and throws it over into the Piranha-infested waters.

Mario: All done.

Koopa: Wow! That was awesome! And humorous! Oh, by the way, I'm Kooper. And guess what?

Mario: You're faking enthusiasm?

Kooper: You bet! Also, I'm joining you!

Mario: Whatever. Hurry it up, then. Let's get back up the high road again.

They go back up the annoying, wooden, swirly stairway again and use Kooper's shell to hit the switch. They go across and find a trail, guarded with Bob-ombs, Koopa Troopas, Spiked Goombas, and more annoying yet classic enemies.

Mario: Oh, boy. More worthless enemies. QUAKE WITH FEAR, MORTALS!!! BOW DOWN BEFORE THE AWESOME MIGHT OF THE FAST FORWARD BUTTON!!!

Spiked Goomba: I don't know what that means, but it sounds kinda scary!

Koopa Troopa: Yeah, those big words he used sounded pretty scary and threatening!

Mario takes out the remote and fast forwards again, skipping through all the enemy battles. He levels up, receiving a boost in his HP.

Mario: Ha! I am invincible! 20 HP!

They continue until he finds a small village of Bob-ombs. The find one peculiar pink Bob-omb, and confront it.

Kooper: Um... Mario, if we're taking up room, you can fit us in your pocket.

Mario: What? In my POCKET? How can you fit?

Kooper: I dunno, but it works. If you whistle, we get sucked into your pocket.

Mario whistles. They get sucked in.

Kooper: Curses!

Pink Bomb: Hey. I saw you come down the trail.

Mario: So? That's where people usually come down.

Pink Bomb: I was just stating that you came from there.

Mario: So what if I did?

Ducky.10: Ugh, this is wasting time. FAST FORWARD!

Ducky skips through the would-be hour long conversation/argument and ends it by punching Mario and giving him a black eye.

Mario: ... So you'll join us?

Bombette: No-

Mario: Great.

Mario whistles. Bombette gets sucked into his pocket.

Bombette: ARGH!

Mario advances down the trail until he happens upon a giant fortress. He notices a large crack in the wall.

Mario: What better time to use the bomb?

Bombette: Oh, no. There is NO WAY I'm helping-

Mario lights her fuse and throws her at the wall, blowing it to pieces. The whole fortress crumbles, leaving the Koopa Bros. stuck in the rubble.

Red: Bummer!

Black: We didn't even go down with a fight!

Green: This STINKS!

Yellow: Dude... I think my shell is broken...

Eldstar pops out of the rubble. He doesn't seem very happy.

Eldstar: Nice going, genius! Now I'll never get to see the new episode of "Pimp My Shroom" on my prison cell TV!

Mario: Sorry, I never realized your addiction to "Soft TV".

Eldstar: I'll have you know that Soft TV is a favorite to millions!

Mario: Yeah, if you're a hippie, maybe.

Eldstar: Enough! Now take me to-

Mario pulls out the remote and fast forwards all the way up to Mt. Rugged.

Mario: Wow... I should do that more often!

Eldstar: No, you shouldn't. The readers will get confused!

Mario: Well, then that's their problem.

Eldstar: No, it's your problem! That means you got more party members without the readers knowing! It's driving the whole story out of proportion!

Mario: Like I'm gonna do to your face if you don't shut up. Now, let's see what new party members I got...

PARAKARRY

Mario: Oh, great. The mailman.

Parakarry: I swear, if you kamekaze me one more time, I'm gonna make you wish you were never born!

Ducky.10: Can we just get on with it?

Mario: Fine...

With Luigi...

Luigi: *sigh* I'll never save the princess now...

Goomba: Who says you were gonna?

Luigi: DO NOT INTERRUPT MY CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF!

Back with Mario...

Mario: So, Mt. Rugged, eh? Pretty cool.

Parakarry: Are you kidding? This place is a dump! It's scalding hot, there's no water for MILES, Peach could be anywhere, and worst of all, I'M STUCK WITH MARIO!!!

Mario: Shut up.

They continue walking until they find a bridge. As they are about to cross it, Buzzar swoops down and knocks over Mario.

Buzzar: YOU! STOP!

Mario: Why?

Buzzar: Becuase I said so! Now, I'm looking for someone named Mario. You know him?

Kooper: Oh, you're looking for Mario? Then you're in luck! He's-

Mario covers Kooper's mouth.

Mario: RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!

Buzzar: AHA!!!

Buzzar whips around and they deck it across the bridge. They come across a Cleft.

Cleft: Grr!

Mario: Oh, no. A Cleft. What ever am I going to do? Besides this?

Mario smacks it with his Hammer and the Cleft dies.

With Peach...

Peach: I think Bowser's using me... I think I'll take a look around the castle.

Twink slams into the window again.

Twink: Ow... Hi, Peach. I'm here with Luigi.

Peach: Luigi? Where is he?

Twink: He's a bit... Uh...

Peach: He got captured, didn't he?

Twink: Yeah. Anyway, let's go exploring.

They leave the room, and are caught by Koopatrols and thrown back into the room.

Peach: That stunk.

Peach leans over onto the fireplace and it spins around, into a storage room of some sort.

Twink: @#$%! I guess we found an easier way.

Peach: Hmm? What's this?

Peach goes over to the desk and finds Bowser's Diary.

Back with Mario...

They climb down from the mountain. After hours of walking, they come across a camp. The meet Professor Kolorado (in case you didn't already know).

Kolorado: Give me something valuable!

Mario: Why?

Assistant: I apologize for Kolorado's rudeness. He's been so caught up in his scavenging for valuable items; he actually begged Moustafa for some pocket lint.

Mario: That's pretty sad.

Kolorado: GIMME!

Mario: What do you want?

Kolorado: A Star Piece! I LOVE THEM! But I can't find a single one! I've searched the entire visible landscape of Dry Dry Desert!

Mario picks one up out of the sand next to Kolorado.

Kolorado: I finally found one! No thanks to you!

Mario: I found it.

Kolorado: Who?

Mario: Nothing, I can just see that you're dumb, useless, and greedy, so I'm just going to ignore you until you prove your worth.

Mario leaves. As he heads through the desert, he comes across a Pokey.

BATTLE!!!

Pokey
HP: 5
ATTACK: 3

Mario
HP: 20
ATTACK: 7

Mario: Prepare to be PWNED!!

Mario hammers the Pokey into the dirt and it dies.

10 Star Points!

Mario keeps walking until he finds a sign.

Mario: "Dry Dry Outpost". Well, I'm here.

Mario walks down the trail, finding what appears to be a marketplace... full of mice...

Bombette: EW!!! GROSS!!! MICE!!!

Mario: Shut up and stay in my pocket.

Kooper: Wow, they have everything! Shops, fruit stands, shady alleyways to deal Shrooms, even the black market!

Mario walks up to a fortune teller's tent, and finds Merlee.

Merlee: I am Merlee!

Mario: What is with all you fortune tellers? First it was Merlon, then Merluvee, then Merlee?

Merlee: Oddly enough, we're all related. Now, I'll make a deal with you. I'll randomly raise your attack power when you choose a course. We have Petit-

Mario: Give me your best one.

Merlee: Special course it is. That'll be 50 coins.

Mario grabs her arm and twists it.

Mario: (clenched teeth) What? I'm sorry, I didn't get that... How much?

Merlee: Oww... Err, um... 5 coins...

Mario: Much better.

Mario frees Merlee and has gained 4 more attack power.

Kooper: Oh, look! A Shroom dealer!

Mario: ... Shroom dealer?

Mario walks up to a mouse.

Mouse: You looking for Moustafa?

Mario: I guess so... By the way...

Mario whips his head around to make sure no one's looking.

Mario: Are you a Shroom dealer?

Mouse: Yup.

Mario: I think I'll have some, then.

The mouse hands Mario a handful of Shrooms.

Mouse: That'll be 50 coins.

Mario reaches into his wallet, but he seems to be 50 coins short.

Mario: Um... Will a lemon do?

Mario hands the mouse a lemon. The mouse takes it.

Mouse: Since I like you, and you're looking for Moustafa, I'll tell you a little something... Go into that shop, and buy a Dusty Hammer and a Dried Shroom.

Mario: Why?

Mouse: Trust me.

Mario walks into a shop, where he sees a Dried Shroom and a Dusty Hammer.

Shopkeep: Hey, what do you want?

Mario: I'll have the Dusty Hammer and the Dired Shroom.

Shopkeep: Ah, you're with Moustafa. He's up on the roofs. Here.

YOU GOT THE DUSTY HAMMER!

YOU GOT A DRIED SHROOM!

Suddenly, the ceiling opens up and a helicopter ladder dangles down. Mario climbs up and the helicopter flies away.

Mario: That was unnecessary. I could have just jumped up.

Mario scales all the rooftops, but cannot find Moustafa.

Mario: WHERE IS HE?!

Mario then slips off the ledge and falls onto another, revealing a tiny, yellow building atop another.

Mario: Clever.

He enters, and there Moustafa sits.

Moustafa: Yo.

Mario: What are you doing hiding on rooftops?

Moustafa: Shroom dealing is a tough business, kid. I've outrun the police so many times I lost count. Now, you're looking for the Star Spirit, right?

Mario: Yeah.

Moustafa: Well, you'll need this to look for Dry Dry Ruins.

YOU GOT A METAL DETECTOR!

Mario: Wait... Isn't Dry Dry Ruins made out of rock, not metal?

Moustafa: Trust me.

Suddenly, a police spotlight shines through the doorway.

Police: MOUSTAFA, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD!

Moustafa: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!

Moustafa runs out the front door, being persued by the police helicopter. Mario leaves the market and heads down a trail.

Mario: It's time to break out my metal detector.

Mario takes it out and runs it along the ground, He then receives a high reading coming from benieth him. He digs, revealing a button. He presses it, and a giant temple rises from the sand.

Kooper: Cool!

Mario enters and sees Tutankoopa.

Mario: Wasn't I supposed to go to the end of the temple to find you?

Tutankoopa: Yes, but the author decided to shorten it.

Mario: Well, then he's lazy!

Ducky.10: AM NOT!

Ducky.10 is seen sitting on the couch, eating a bag of chips, watching Terminator 2.

Mario: Riiight...

Tutankoopa: Battle me!

Mario: Fine.

BATTLE!!!

Tutankoopa
HP: 43
Attack: 5

Mario
HP: 20
Attack: 7

Tutankoopa: Chain Chomp Throw!
Mario catches it and whips it back!
Tutankoopa HP: 38

Mario: Hammer!
Tutankoopa HP: 34

Tutankoopa: Grr, Sissy Slap!
No effect
Tutankoopa: Phoo!

Kooper: Shell Spin!
Tutankoopa HP: 20

Mario: Who told you that you could battle?

Kooper: I do what I must!

Mario: Whatever, Jump!
Tutankoopa HP: 17

Tutankoopa: Argh, Shell Kick!
Mario HP: 19
Tutankoopa: THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!

Mario: KAMEHAMEHA!!!
Tutankoopa HP: 0
END BATTLE!!!

Tutankoopa: That last attack... was random. But here, you won. Take this.

Tutankoopa explodes and Mamar is rescued!

Mamar: You say that as if it's a good thing. I hate Mario and anyone who knows him.

Mario: Then you must hate yourself.

Mamar: YOU'RE RIGHT!!! AAAAAHHH!!!

With Peach...

Peach: I can't believe this! He's using me for my Jacuzzi and TV!

Bowser enters the room and Peach shoves the diary underneath a chair.

Bowser: Hey, Peach. 'Sup?

Peach: You must be very bored to be coming to me right now.

Bowser: You're right. I was gonna ask you if you've seen my diary.

Peach: Um... No. Why?

Bowser: Well, when I entered my room, it wasn't there.

Peach: Well, I don't know where it is!

Bowser: Alrighty, bye.

Bowser leaves.

Peach: Let's go exploring again, Twink.

Twink: Whatevs.

They go into the secret door again and this time, enter a room in the foyer, dodging the many guards. They enter what appears to be a library, and they both tackle a guard, putting on his armor. Twink just barely squeezes into the helmet.

Twink: Argh! I can't breathe!

Peach: Shh! They'll here us!

They enter another room where two Hammer Bros. are talking.

Hammer Bro 1: Yo, have you heard from the fat, blue Koopa?

Hammer Bro 2: You mean Tubba? Yeah, I saw him at Wal-Mart.

Peach: Um... Hey.

Hammer Bro 1: Oh, hey. You new here?

Peach: ... Yes.

With Mario...

Mario: Okay, what can you do?

Mamar: Well, I have a spell.

Mario: And...?

Mamar: That's it.

Mario: Useless.

Mario then leaves the ruins and heads back to Kolorado's tent.

Kolorado: Go to Toad Town!

Mario: Why should I?

Kolorado: The next star spirit awaits!

Mario: Fine.

He keeps walking to the left until he finds a train.

Engineer: Choo! Choo!

Mario: Do you know how to drive this?

Engineer: Yup.

Mario: Can you take me to Toad Town?

Engineer: No.

Mario: Then I will.

Mario jumps up and kicks the engineer out of the train and onto the tracks, where the train runs him over.

Engineer: WE WILL MEET AGAIN!!!

Mario then drives the train until they reach Toad Town. He steps out.

Mario: Id better get out a party member, one that's not an obsessed fan or an idiot.

Parakarry leaps out.

Parakarry: I hate you.

Toad: Mario! Mario!

Mario: What? What?

Toad: FREE BOOZE!!!

Mario: WHERE?!

Toad: AT THE SHOOTING STAR SUMMIT!!!

Mario runs at light speed to the Shooting Star Summit and finds a Star Piece along the way. He enters a peculiar building and finds another fortune teller.

Merluvee: I am Merluvee!

Mario: Good for you! Do you have any free booze?

Merluvee: Oh, my, no.

Mario: *twitch, twitch!*

Merluvee: But I do have some helpful info about Luigi.

Mario isn't paying attention but is rummaging through a pink treasure chest. He finds a pack of Cheezits and eats them quickly.

Merluvee: HEY! THOSE WERE MY CHEEZITS!

Mario: I don't care!

Mario leaves.

Merluvee: LUIGI HAS BEEN CAPTURED BY BOWSER!!!

Mario: What? Luigi? Bowser?

Mario runs outside and cheers wildly, pulling some fresh dancing moves.

Mario: Woo! Now, back to Toad Town.

He heads back. He then finds a warp pipe and curiously jumps into it. He jumps down, finding a giant Blooper.

Mario: It's time for to introduce... THE REMOTE!!!

Mario pulls out the remote and presses the fast forward button, but it doesn't seem to work.

Ducky.10: No fast forwarding here! That's cheap!

Mario: Oh, crud.

BATTLE!!!

Electro Blooper
HP: 20
Attack: 5

Mario
HP: 25
Attack: 7

Mario: Hammer!

Ducky.10: Wait! You can't use your hammer!

Mario: Why?

Ducky.10: Because the Blooper's in midair!

Mario: So? What's it doing underground, anyway? Why isn't it in water?!

Electro Blooper: ... D'oh!

END BATTLE!!!

Kooper: That was a fluke.

Mario: Shut up.

They leave the room. They enter another, which has three pipes.

Mario: What are these for?

Kooper: I dunno...

Mario leaves the room. In the other one, there is a ledge. Up on the ledge, there is a chest.

Mario: Ooh, treasure.

Mario jumps up to the ledge and opens the chest.

YOU GOT THE POWER SMASH BADGE!

Mario: I DON'T CARE!

... You don't have to be so mean... Anyway, Mario continues into the next room, where there is a moving platform.

Mario: Oh, no. Not a moving platform.

Mario hops onto it and onto the other side, where there is a Spiked Gloomba.

BATTLE!!!

Mario: This is annoying.

Spiked Gloomba
HP: 9
Attack: 5

Mario
HP: 25
Attack: 7

Mario: Prepare to die! Let me put on my Power Smash Badge...

Mario has equipped the Power Smash Badge!

Mario: Hammer!
Spiked Gloomba HP 6, Attack 5

Spiked Goomba: Grr! Headbonk!
Mario HP 20, Attack 7

Mario: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!
Mario pulls out a carabine rifle and fires repidly.
END BATTLE!!!

Mario exits the room. He then attemps to jumps onto a moving platform, but it moves away at the last second and Mario falls into a dark pit.

Mario: Oh, crud. AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

He then drops into another room, where there is a Super Block.

Mario: What's that?

Kooper: Well, if you wouldn't FAST FORWARD so often, you would know! But I'll tell you. It upgrades your party members' attack and HP.

Mario: I don't like your tone, bud. In fact, I'm just going to pretend I never saw it.

Kooper: YOU JERK!

Mario: Oh, fine.

Mario hits the block and leaves into the next room, where he finds a pipe.

Mario: FINALLY! Now I can get out of this stink hole!

Mario exits through the pipe and happens upon a very shaken guard.

Guard: Mario, I know you KO'd me, but I need your help...

Mario: What is it?

Guard: I just... I just s-saw...

Mario: Uh huh...

Guard: A GHOST!!!

Mario: AAHH!!!

Guard: I KNOW!!!

Mario: I was faking enthusiasm.

Guard: Go to Forever Forest.

Mario: Why?

Guard: Because I don't wanna.

Mario: Well, off I go then.

Mario walks to the right until he sees a Boo.

Boo: Boo.

Mario: Ooh, you're really scary, do you want a trophy?

Boo: Yes!

Mario: No. This imaginary trophy is engraved for me.

Mario then walks into Forever Forest.
 

Chapter 5: Tubba Blubba? Holy cow, he's fat!

Mario is wandering aimlessly down random trails and somehow finds his way to Boo's Mansion, after gathering several badges and items. He steps inside and sees a gathering of Boos, one holding a record.

Boo: Oooooooh... Oooooh... Maaarrriiiooo...

Mario: What?

Boo: Nothing, really. I just like creepily chanting your name.

Mario: You need a new hobby.

Boo: By the way, here's an old record I found at the bottom of my underwear drawer.

Mario: Why would I want it then?

Boo: It plays pretty old music, but you'll have to get used to how it smells.

YOU GOT A VERY OLD RECORD... AND IT SMELLS BAD!

LEVEL UP!

Mario: Wow! The wonders smelly items can do!

HP: 20!

Mario: Now, let's break out some remote!

Mario fast forwards all the way through the mansion until he finds a door. He enters and finds a female Boo and Bootler arguing.

Bow: No, no, NO! I said I want eggs! Not EGGS!

Bootler: What you're saying does not make sense!

Bow: Neither does your FACE! Now, give me some eggs!

Bootler: Will eggs be fine?

Bow: NO!!!

Bootler: I QUIT!!!

Bootler throws his suit off and stomps on it.

Bootler: Good day to you!

He disappears.

Bow: Oh, hi. Are you the replacement butler?

Mario: No.

Bow: Then what are you?

Mario: Kidnapping you.

Mario catches her with a butterfly net.

Bow: NO!!!

BOW HAS JOINED YOUR PARTY!

Mario steps outside the mansion and notices a trail off to the left. Curious, he heads down it. There, he finds a sign.

Mario: "Gusty Gulch". Well, what now?

???: AAAAAH!!!

Bow: Oh, NO! SIMON, NO!!!

To the left of them, a Boo is about to be digested by a fat, ugly, purple Koopa (Tubba Blubba).

Simon: Don't worry! My death will be quick and painless!

Tubba Blubba stuffs Simon in his mouth.

Simon: OW!!!

Bow: Simon! *sniff* In your memory, I will never marry!

Mario: And that's a bad thing?

Rimshot.

With Luigi...

Luigi: This stinks. Here I am, stuck in a jail cell after crawling up through a Koopa's toilet.

Goombigi: Surprise!

Luigi GAH!!!

Goombigi is sitting next to Luigi.

Luigi: I thought you were dead!

Goombigi: I could follow your 'stache anywhere, Luigi! Now, let's break out!

Luigi: How?

Goombigi takes out an army helmet, wears it over her green hat, and throws out her voice, which has miraculously changed to that of an angry New Yorker.

Goombigi: HEY! Who's in charge of this dump?! Get me outta here, porky!

A Hammer Bro walks over and notices the Goomba in a cell.

Hammer Bro: Woah! I didn't know you were in there, man. No idea. Lemme unlock it for you.

He opens the cell door.

Goombigi: Thank you.

Goombigi then KOs him. She then throws off her army helmet and is able to cough and hack her voice back to normal.

Goombigi: Now let's go!

Back with Mario...

Tubba Blubba: HEY! You're that pudgy plumber I've never heard about!

Mario: Does that even make sense?

Tubba Blubba: DIE!!!

Tubba Blubba charges at Mario but Bow uses her Outta Sight trick and Tubba Blubba rams nothing but the air.

Tubba Blubba: Wha? Where'd you go?

Mario: How did you do that?

Bow: Just run, man! RUN!

Mario and Bow run away, still invisible. They see Tubba Blubba's castle and enter. Once they enter, they see these weird spinny-guys in the air.

Bow: Don't touch them! They'll throw you back outside the castle!

Mario: How do you know this?

Bow: I'm making this up as I go along! Just bear with me!

DUN DUN DUUUN! What will happen next? How will Luigi rescue Princess Peach? Or will Mario do it first? And how? And what is up with Parakarry? Is he stupid? Why am I asking you all these questions? Where's my other sock? You'll find out when I @#$%$@ finish part 2, GOSH! Geeze...

Read on!

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