Refined Idiocy

By Drake Guy

A giant ball of goo greeted K.K. as he walked in through a side door into the Kastle, dragging Kappa behind him. Luckily, the blob whizzed over his head and stuck to the doorframe. Chunks of it fell off and plopped on the floor, while a musty smell came from it. Yum.

K.K. plugged his snout and kept walking, occasionally ducking as food balls were thrown around by rowdy minions. Apparently, they hadn't calmed down yet. He finally shoved his way through the chaotic halls to Kamek's study. Kicking open the door, he flipped Kappa's body over and plopped it down to the wooden floor. Kamek came over and knelt, a serious expression on his face.

"Hmmm... Did you find him like this?" The Magikoopa pointed at the various bruises all over the Koopatrol's body.

K.K, fondly remembering the little fight they had, nodded his head. "Uhhh... Yeah. Bandits or something musta done it." He started inching towards the door as Kamek frowned and sighed. "Well, I got your guy, and he has no stamp. Guess I'll just be off then!" Koopa Kid reached a hand to open the door. In a blue flash, Kamek blocked the way, making his hand retreat in surprise.

"K.K, I'm afraid we MUST find that stamp! Kappa is clearly incapacitated and unable to help, either! It is of utmost importance we approach these rebels peacefully!" the Magikoopa spoke sternly.

K.K. rolled his eyes and stepped back, shaking his head and crossing his arms. He wanted to enjoy the castle while it was HIS! If he got too wrapped up in this stupid errand, it would ruin his stay-cation! "Dude, there's nothing I can DO! What do you expect? We don't know where the stamp is, and I'm not going on a wild goo-" He recoiled suddenly as Kamek moved like a lightning bolt and was instantly right in front of him again.

"I get the feeling you don't get the SERIOUSNESS OF THIS SITUATION!" Kamek's voice was now commanding and intimidating, strangely making the books on his shelf shake as if cowering. K.K started walking back cautiously, but yelped as he tripped on a rug and fell down. Kamek loomed over him, a white reflection circling in his old glasses. Koopa Kid finally cracked under pressure.

"ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! I'LL HELP! But I STILL can't do anything!" he pleaded, getting up to dust himself off.

Kamek's expression softened, and he pushed his glasses up a bit on his snout. "Ah, but I have a solution to that problem! Bring me three minions, and report back. There's something I should show you..."









"HEY! SHOOSH DOWN THERE!" the lone crewman in the crow's nest howled down at Red, Yellow, and Green, who sighed a collective “Awwwwww!” and went to sit down on a wooden bench.

The three Koopa Bros. pouted and fidgeted. At first, the boat ride had seemed so fun and upbeat, but now the apparent lack of things to do was starting to bore them.

A sudden shout made them turn their heads. A couple of deck hands were playing a card game, with a participant roaring in sorrow every time he lost. It was enough to draw their attention, and they scuttled towards it, hoping to occupy themselves for a bit.

Black watched with squinted, spiteful eyes. He was huddled against the cabin, sticking as close to the wooden wall as possible. Every rock of the boat made him panic and slide along the floor as he reached for something to grab on to. As he scrambled about without his sea legs, he yelled in his mind at his own stupidity in going along on this trip. He stopped suddenly when Pa-Patch dropped right on top of him, almost knocking out all the air in his body.

"Ahoy there, matey! Whatcha doin' all over here in your lonesome?" Pa-Patch walked casually off of Black's body, chuckling and smiling as the Koopa struggled to get back up without falling.

"Never... liked... THE SEA!" Black stumbled with each word, finally grasping a barrel to steady himself. Pa-Patch just laughed.

"Hate the SEA, laddy? That's unhealthy! Come to me cabin, I think I got somethin' to change your mind!"

Pa-Patch's cabin had that... smell. That sort of smelly smell that smelled like mold and old food. The smelliest smell not even smelling salts could get rid of, because of the smell. Yet the Bob-omb took in a deep breath as he opened the door and released a relaxed “Ah!”

Black covered his snout, the stench making his head feel funny.

"Here, laddy! CATCH!" Black looked up just in time to grab a small bundle. He looked down on it in confusion. It had a sea charter, a navigational compass, and some strange map of the stars.

"That'll keep you occupied! Navigatin'! We're about 40 turns of the Water Line west! Find out where we are!" With a final chuckle, Pa-Patch disappeared deeper into his private quarters.

Black frowned and set himself up on a desk. He didn't know anything about sea navigating, but he could at least guess and occupy himself.

Without the churning waters directly below him, his sea sickness and loss of coordination wasn't so bad. He got used to it enough to trace a line using the compass to where the captain said they were. It was actually pretty easy, as a matter of fact. They were headed right towards Delfino Island.

Black sighed and tossed the compass up and down. That task certainly didn't last long at all, and he quickly became bored enough to gaze out the port hole to his side.

Suddenly, he got the navigational equipment up again. If the sun always rose in the west, then why were they headed AWAY from it? He traced a line east, and frowned at his new discovery.

He rapped his knuckle on the door of Pa-Patch, who opened it up and smiled at the sight of the bundle in Black's arms. "Ah! Finished it already, eh? Alrighty! Good job, I'll be takin' tha-"

"HOLD IT! If we're headed towards Delfino Island, then why are we going EAST, into the Dire Dire Strait?" Black cut the captain off mid-sentence and raised an eyebrow, wanting to see his reaction.

Pa-Patch's smile fell, and he groaned in disbelief. "Yikes. Ah well. Step into here, boy. Let's sort this out. I catch a whiff of mutiny."

Black complied and walked where Pa-Patch was nodding... straight back onto the deck. Without warning, the Bob-omb hopped on top of him again and hollered.


Red, Green, and Yellow grinned in excitement and put their cards down, talking to the crewmen opposite of them. "Boy oh boy! We get to tie up prisoners! Who we gonna get?" Green hopped up and down, antsy.

The two beanie pirates in front of them looked at each other before rolling their eyes and pouncing.

Right before a mob of pirates blocked Black's vision, he heard Pa-Patch murmur something to a fellow deckhand. "Let's hurry up and get to the Rebels."


K.K. pressed himself onto the stone wall, narrowly avoiding a stampeding, crazy party of Chargin' Chucks that stormed through the hall. He exhaled the breath he had been holding and started walking towards the cafeteria, the loud noises increasing in… well... loudness... as he got closer.

"Three minions? In THIS mess? That guy's gotta be crazy!"

He scowled and kicked a can nearby. He was instantly grabbed roughly from behind and held up high. "YOU IDIOT! WHADDYA THINK YOU'RE DOING TO MY HALLS?!" An angry voice screamed behind him.

Scared and cautious, he turned his head slowly.

Behind him, a large, orange, shell-less Boom Boom wearing a blue hat, blue boots, and blue gloves was growling menacingly at him.

The Boom Boom's expression dropped, as if he’d suddenly lost interest, and he dropped K.K. "Sorry 'bout that. People like YOU get my blood boiling." The Boom Boom pointed at the can K.K. had just kicked, making the Koopa Kid's mouth drop. All that over a CAN? The small tag on the Boom Boom's hat caught his attention...

"... Ohhhhhh! You're the janitor! Sorry, dude! Well, I’d better get going!" K.K. turned around and started walking briskly towards the other minions. That guy creeped him out...

K.K. shivered in fear as his tail got grabbed, holding him in place. "Hold on, now. You haven't thrown away that can yet." The Boom Boom glared intently at K.K. and jabbed a finger towards the tin nuisance.

K.K. got angry himself and shrugged his way out of the janitor's grasp. "I'll throw it away some other time! I have a job to do right now!" he yelled at the janitor and stormed off.

"... Sooooooooooo... you're not going to get the can?" The janitor undertook another mood change and looked completely confused.

K.K rolled his eyes and nodded his head.

The janitor sighed and cracked his knuckles.


"... That jerk."

K.K. mumbled to himself uncomfortably pinned under a large table in the cafeteria. The whole incident was so dizzying he hadn't even seen it happen. He struggled to free himself, only to get his snout smushed by a running Koopa.


Kamek looked at his door as the hushed voices outside got louder. When they rose above a yell, he finally had enough and opened it. "Can I help you?" he said irritably.

In front of him, a Bob-omb with small, disembodied hands was gaping beside a large, tall Dry Bones wearing a black hoodie. They started speaking in rapid gibberish, annoying Kamek to the point where he raised a finger to silence them.

"I'll ask again... CAN I HELP YOU? Shouldn't you be with the others wrecking the place or something?" He didn't expect minions to bother him NOW of all times. Well, that's what he assumed they were.

The Bob-omb was the one to clear his throat and speak. "Uhhhhhh... This may seem like a bad time an all... buuuut... we wanna work here!"

"Woah! Get offa me!" Kamek pried the Bob-omb off of his leg. The Bob-omb responded by bowing and looking up hopefully.

The Dry Bones scratched his head and spoke next. "Yeah. We were going to apply earlier, but we got scared and ran away... But now it looks like you need help more than ever!"

"GET OFFA ME! DON'T GROVEL!" Now Kamek had both potential employees hugging his feet and kneeling.

Suddenly, a lightning bolt of thought struck him. He needed 3 minions. 2 were right here. And K.K. would probably bring back a third! Kamek clapped his hands and nodded his head in approval.

"Very good! Sure, you can do some grunt work! What're your names?" He walked into his study and motioned for the two to do the same. The Dry Bones and Bob-omb looked too stunned to speak, and stood there until one fell over, waking the other one up.

"Oh! Names! Well... I'm called Crawler!" The Bob-omb pumped his fists in an attempt to impress before waddling into the study, gleeful at how good things turned out.

The Dry Bones remained still on the floor. "Oh... That's Dry." Crawler shook his head like a scolding mother. "DRY! WE JUST GOT EMPLOYED! WAKE UP!" he yelled into his partner's ear.

Dry perked up instantly and scuttled into the study on all fours.  "Sweeeeet! We're not poor anymore!"

"Our troubles are over!" Crawler looked like he was about to cry.

"No more living on free water and bread at the restaurant!" Dry put a sleeve over his eyes to hide his tears.

"We can fix that leak in our apartment!"

"Yeah! And maybe the other ones too!"





"STOP GRABBING ME!" Kamek whacked both of the new employees on the head with his staff.

"Now... Where's K.K?”

Read on!

Comments, suggestions, stories, or story ideas? Email me!
Go back to Lemmy's Fun Fiction.
Go back to my main page.