The Dark Prognosticus, Chapter 1: Paper Mario, The TRUE Story

By Dimentio

Sub-Chapter 7: That’s Why It’s Called Sneaky Parasol

Kammy: Your Royal Chunkyness! I have some horrible news.

Bowser: What is it now? No, wait, let me guess; Roy lost.

Kammy: Uh… A little worse than that. Roy lost because your youngest son Larry weakened his minion!

Bowser turns completely red but he calms himself.

Kammy: Uh, Your Furiousness, are you okay?

Bowser: Okay, please bring him in.

Kammy leaves the room and comes back with a shaking Larry.

Bowser: Now leave us. I need to have a father-son talk.

Kammy leaves.

Larry: Just a father-son talk? You’re not mad?

Bowser: Of course I’m not mad.

Suddenly the Star Rod glows and Bowser turns into Giga Bowser.

Giga Bowser: I’M FURIOUS!!!

One horrible beating later a dead Larry goes through the Morton-shaped hole in the window. Kammy comes in and sees Bowser’s room has been wrecked. Giga Bowser turns back into Bowser.

Bowser: Clean this up, haggy!

Kammy: I’d love to, Your Royal Bad Parentingness, but I’m busy with a project.

Bowser: What?

Kammy: Well in case your last son can’t handle Mario, we’ll be prepared.

Bowser: Okay then. By the way, where is Lemmy?

Kammy: He’s still inside his hideaway. He’s busy too, so he can’t see you.

Bowser: I hope that boy is planting something big.

With the princess and Twink…

Twink: I finally have some time for myself.

Peach is in bed asleep. Twink goes into Peach’s closet and gets out a GameCube.

Twink: Hmm. I would think she would have something more… modern.

Twink looks at a pile of games. He reaches for one that is really dusty. He blows always the dust and reads the title.

Twink: “Sonic Adventure 2 Battle”?

Twink starts it up and starts playing.

Twink: Come on! You can jump higher than that! What are those ring thingies for? WHAT?! They barely touched me and I’m already dead?!

Twink’s yelling wakes up Peach. The door opens and the gameshow host comes in.

Hammer Bro: I don’t believe it!

Twink: I know, right? A blue hedgehog in shoes?! Can you believe that @and-

Hammer Bro: No, not about that! I have been authorized by the great and obese King Bowser to let you go.

Peach: Really?!

Hammer Bro: No, not really. I was just messing with you. Ah ha ha-

He goes flying out the door. He comes crawling back in.

Hammer Bro: Where did you get that frying pan?! Okay, I’m sorry. Look, I’m here to give you your consolation prize.

Peach gets the Sneaky Parasol.

Hammer Bro: All right, but whatever you do, don’t try to sneak away.

The Hammer Bro leaves Twink and Peach.

Peach: What are you doing?

Twink: I’m a child! I feed on videogames for my nutrition.

Peach: Come on, I finally got a good idea.

Twink: Did you just refer to yourself as dumb?

Peach: No! Now let’s go.

Peach grabs Twink and they leave the room. All the Koopatrols are asleep, still holding up their strike signs. Peach uses the Sneaky Parasol and transforms into one of the Koopatrols.

Peach: Eek! I’m ugly!

Twink: Shhhhh! You’ll wake up the guards.

Peach: Oh please, they are still on strike. Now would be a good time to sneak around.

Peach goes up the stairs, goes across the long hallway, walks into the room with the wrecked window, goes up some more stairs, goes outside onto the bridge, and bumps into Kammy.

Kammy: Hey! Watch where you’re going!

Peach: Uh, I’m sorry, your old superior hag.

Kammy: Wait… Only the king can insult me! Die!

She shoots out a lightning bolt but it misses Peach entirely and hits a part of the castle. Kammy shoots out another bolt of lightning but she misses again. This time it reflects off a mirror in a room and blows up a part of Bowser’s castle.

Kammy: I am not senile!

Kammy just pushes Peach off the bridge.

Peach: Help me, Twink!

Twink: Oh dear! What do I do!?

Peach decides that Twink is no help and gets out the parasol. She gently floats down to the entrance of her castle. Twink quickly flies to her.

Twink: I’m sorry, Peach.

Peach: Well at least I’m safe.

Peach reverts back into herself.

Peach: Huh?

Twink looks at a label on the Sneaky Parasol.

Twink: “Note that the transformation will last only 10 minutes.”

The doors to the castle swing open and there stands Bowser.

Bowser: How the… But I… You… RAGE!

Bowser grabs Peach and takes Peach to her room.

Bowser: All but two of my children are dead. I should be happy about that, but no! My children have failed me! Not to mention, I heard an explosion near my castle. When I go to check it out I find you?! Why don’t you just stay put?!

Bowser gets his answer with a slap to the face… from a frying pan.

Bowser: Gah!

Bowser leaves, rubbing his nose. Peach sits on her bed, Twink by her side.

Peach: I wish you luck, Mario. Please hurry…

Twink: Well this was a total waste!

Peach: Hey, I was trying to end our scene with some drama!

Twink: It’s not my fault that this game stunk!

Peach: Oh, that…

Chapter 34: Dojo Fights 3

Mario and Co have gone down the beanstalk and are back in the square of Flower Fields. Klevar comes down and joins the group.

Klevar: Thank you, Mario, for saving me from that barbaric brute Roy.

Mario: No problem. I used to wrestle back home in Brooklyn.

Klevar: Just hang on there, Mario. Only one more Star Spirit remains captured. Hurry on and rescue him. My power shall assist you!

Mario can now call on Klevar for help! Klevar ascends to Star Heaven.

Wisterwood: I never doubted you whippersnappers.

Toad: Really?

Wisterwood: Well if I’m actually honest I doubted you the entire time you were here.

Toad prepares for his final act of murderous rampage and gets out a can of lighter fluid. Mario and Co head towards the door and go in, leaving Toad behind.

Wisterwood: I say, what are you going to do with that can and that little box that you have?

Mario and Co fall through the door and are back in Toad Town.

Minh T: Yay! You guys did it! What’s wrong?

Mario: We’d better leave…

They start walking away as smoke starts to seep through the door. The door swings open and Toad jumps out. The door completely catches on fire. Toad gets up and brushes the soot of him. He runs away as a bullet shoots right past him.

Toad: Guys, wait for me!

Lakilester: Wait! You just burned down my home!

Toad: So?

Lakilester floats back to the blazing door.

Lakilester: I’ll save you, Lakilulu!

Mario: Welll he’s officially game overed.

Luigi: Maybe. Well Twink sure likes to take his time to tell us where the next Star Spirit is. Let’s-a get a move on.

They start heading over to the dojo when a Ninji jumps in front of them.

Ninji: Hi, I’m a Ninji and-

Mario pushes him down and the group continue. They walk up the stairs and into the dojo.

The Master: *hack, cough* Why hello there, Mario. Are you hear for *cough, wheeze* the bake sale?

The Master and his students are wearing aprons. There is an oven and some tables holding pastries.

Chan: This is so humiliating…

After a long, awkward silence…

Mario: No not really…

Toad: I’ll take a cookie!

Mario: We’re here for a fight.

The Master: Oh, right! *hack* If you wish, Mario.

They each go across the room.

Mario 30/30
Luigi 29/29
Toad 28/28
The Master 70/70

The Master: To battle!

The Master spins around and lets out a yell. A bright light appears, stunning Mario and Co. When they look again they see The Master has turned a golden color.

Mario: Is this bad?

The Master runs up to Mario at lightning speed and punches him in the face. The Master follows it up with an Uppercut. Mario gets sent right into the ceiling and falls back down hard.

Luigi and Toad: Yeah, this is bad.

Toad starts to run around in circles and Luigi helps his brother up.

Luigi: Are you okay, Bro?

Mario: I think I’m all right.

The Master leaps up into the air and performs a Jump Kick. Mario gets out his hammer and uses Power Smash. PO-… Mario makes contact but they’re both evenly matched. Mario struggles and Luigi quickly gets out his own hammer. He throws it at The Master and he falls down. Mario brings his hammer down but The Master rolls out of the way. He gets back up and kicks Mario’s hammer away.

Mario: Mamamia!

The Master gains some speed and tries to kick Luigi. Luigi jumps fast enough and avoids the kick. The Master runs into a wall, destroying it.

The Master: I just paid for that wall!

Toad continues running around in circles and runs into The Master, knocking him down. Luigi sees his chance and jumps on The Master. The Master gets up only to be knocked back down by Toad. Luigi jumps on The Master again. The Master sticks out his foot and trips Toad. Toad falls on Luigi and both get knocked down. The Master grabs them both and tosses them in the air. They hit the ceiling and plummet back down. The Master does a roundhouse kick on Luigi, then punches Toad. They both go flying and collide with another wall.

Mario 15/30
Luigi 17/29
Toad 16/28
The Master 48/70

The Master quickly backflips just as Mario swings his hammer. The Master lands behind Mario and delivers another roundhouse. Mario hits the wall and falls down on his party members.

Toad: Make the pain stop…

Luigi: This guy is too tough, Mario! Maybe we should call it quits.

Mario: No! We can do it, Luigi. We just have to work together.

Toad: Great idea, you guys! You go over there and beat him up, and I’ll go eat the cookies.

The Master starts dashing towards the group. Mario throws his hammer in an effort to stop him. The Master just jumps out of the way. Luigi tries to jump on him but The Master just swats him away. Finally Toad gets out a cookie he got and throws it at The Master’s gaping, yelling mouth. He stops dead in his tracks and starts screaming.

The Master: AAACCCKKK! CHAN! LEE! What did you put in those cookies?!

Lee: We were just fallowing the recipe: two cloves of garlic, two tablespoons of chocolate chips, half a cup of grinded red peppers-

Mario: That sounds like Grandmama’s garlic chip cookies.

The Master: What kind of a cookie is that?!

Chan: I told you, we’re fighters, not pastry bakers.

The Master starts jumping up and down frantically when POW! The Master hits a wall. Mario puts away his hammer and goes to Lee.

Mario: Hey pisano, let me have one of those cookies.

The Master gets back up and Mario eats the cookie. Mario +10 HP + 1 Attack! The Master dashes at Mario and punches him in the face. He follows it up with an uppercut again. This time however Mario takes out his hammer in the air. He falls back down and smashes The Master into the ground. The Master kicks Mario’s hammer away again and grabs him.

Luigi: Ah-ha ha!

Luigi uses Super Jump and flattens The Master under his boot. The Master releases his grip on Mario.

Mario: Thanks a lot, Bro.

Luigi: I know, I’m awesome.

Mario: Let’s not get cra- AAAHH!

Luigi: Uh oh!

The Master has grabbed both of them and jumps into the air. The Master gets ready to throws them when POW! The Master plummets back down face first. Toad picks up his squeaky hammer from the ground. Mario and Luigi land on their feet. Toad goes back to talking with Chan and Lee.

The Master: Great maneuvers. I have underestimated you, but now I shall concentrate.

Mario 6/30
Luigi 13/30
Toad 16/28
The Master 10/70

The Master closes his eyes and concentrates. He starts glowing red and Mario and Luigi brace themselves.

The Master: Kuwaaaaa! Behold my fury, Mario!

The Master thrusts his open palms and releases a huge blast of energy. Mario and Luigi jump just in time to avoid it and it hits the wall. However a resulting explosion hits both Mario and Luigi, blowing them away. The Master jumps up and smashes Luigi into the ground. The Master lands on him and pulls his head up by his hair. Mario lands hard face first but gets back up. He gets his last Fried Shroom and eats it. Mario + 6 HP + 2 FP! Mario goes over to help his little bro and swings his hammer at The Master. The Master backflips again and avoids the attack. He’s about to roundhouse Mario when Toad blocks it with his hammer. The Master kicks the hammer away again and jumps back. The Master starts concentrating again and the Bros. plus Toad start scrambling. The Master sees Toad trip and unleashes his blast of energy on him. Toad sees it coming but doesn’t get up in time. Toad, however, sees Luigi get in front of him.

Luigi: I’m going to hate my-

Boom! Another explosion occurs and Luigi and Toad hit the wall. Luigi falls down fainted and Toad gets up. Piercing through the smoke comes The Mater and he punches Toad high up into the air. Toad hits the ceiling and falls back down. The Master times himself right and kicks Toad in midair. Toad however, with the last bit of his strength, hits the Master in the stomach with his hammer. The Master falls down but gets back on his feet. Toad falls near Luigi, fainted. The Master hears something coming his way. He turns around and grabs the hammer before it hits him.

Mario: Mamamia!

The Master starts focusing again and Mario has nowhere to run. The Master thrusts his open palms and releases another blast of power. Mario doesn’t move and the blast heads right towards him. Boom! The Master smirks but his smirk vanishes after the smoke clears. Mario used a Stone Cap at the last second and avoided damage from the attack. The Master starts pummeling the Mario statue but can’t get through. Soon The Master falls down, tired of trying to get through the statue. Soon Mario moves again and he jumps on The Master.

The Master: Oh dear…

Battle Over! Mario wins!

The Master gets back up and shakes Mario’s hand rather hard.

The Master: Jolly good *cough* match, Mario. Please visit again.

Mario and Co. leave the Dojo.

Chapter 35: Exploring Toad Town Sewers 2

Mario and Co. are sitting on the stairs to the dojo.

Mario: We have been waiting for three days!

Luigi: Mario, we’ve only been here for three minutes. Keep your mustache on.

Toad: Why don’t we just take a shortcut and ask Merlon where the next Star Spirit is?

WHN: That’s the first time your ideas make sense.

They walk down the stairs, go to Toad Town Square, and go inside Merlon’s house. They see the Ninji and Merlon drinking tea.

Mario: Merlon?

Merlon turns around and the Ninji jumps in fear when he looks at them.

Ninji: I thought you said those guys could help! Instead they just knocked me down!

Merlon: They can… They’re just a little messed up in the head.

Mario and Co: Hey!

Merlon: Especially the fungus.

Toad: Okay. that does it!

Mario: No. Toad!

Mario and Co hold back Toad. who has a chainsaw.

Toad: Let me hurt him! Just a little!

They throw Toad outside and Mario talks to the Ninji.

Mario: What do you need our help for?

Ninji: Our fair land of snow is constantly being attacked by this mentally challenged Koopa!

Luigi: Bowser? Roy?

Ninji: Uh, no. Please come to Starborn Valley at once!

Merlon: My son lives there, Mario. He can shed light on this situation.

Mario: Team, let’s-a go!

Luigi: Go where?

Mario falls down but gets back up.

Bow: Quite right, darling. We have no idea where this place is.

Merlon: Well there is a warp pipe that can lead you to Shiver City. From there you can reach Starborn Valley. Good luck.

Ninji: I shall lead you there. Fallow me!

The Ninji starts jumping away and Mario and Co. follow. Lakilester comes out of the somehow-still-standing door in the garden with Lakilulu.

Mario: Hey Lakilester, you coming along?

Lakilester: I don’t kn-

Luigi: Good.

They grab him and head to the Toad Town sewer pipe. They get in and land in a heap in the sewers.

Lakilester: I thought we were going to go to great places, not sewers!

Mario: Ahh… It’s the-a life of a plumber.

Luigi: Yep.

They start searching around, and soon as always…

Toad: I… hate…lost!

WHN: You can say that again.

Lakilester: Like, what now, dudes?

Bow: Ask the experts.

Toad: At times like these I wish we could just blow things up.

Mario: We’re not blowing anything up, and we’re not lost.

Luigi: Speak for yourself! I haven’t been this lost since that time I was trying to fix Rowdy Roddy Piper’s bagpipes.

Mario: Still, we fixed those bagpipes. If we got ourselves out of that mess we can surely get out of this one too.

WHN: I see no flaws in that logic.

Mario looks to one side and sees an area covered in spikes.

Mario: Hmm. Maybe if we can get across that we’ll find the way. Lakilester, give us a ride!

Lakilester: Sure.

They hop on Lakilester’s cloud and travel over the spikes. They see another warp pipe and decide to go in. They get out in another part of the sewer and decide to continue. They keep walking until they see a huge wall blocking them.

Mario: Hmm. Maybe if we throw someone up there they can find something useful.

Luigi: Who would be small enough for us to throw up there?

WHN: Not to mention that if he doesn’t come back no one would miss him.

They all look at Toad and he starts running away screaming. Luigi catches up to him and tackles him. The others grab him and throw him over the wall.

Toad: I hate you all!

WHN: So do I.

Bow: Shut up.

Toad lands on the other side and gets up. He sees a chest and someone opening the chest.

???: Boots?! Well I could use some new shoes, see.

Toad: Hey! I want those!

The figure turns around and spots Toad.

???: Well you can have this, see!

The figure reaches into a burlap bag and throws a Bob-omb at Toad. Toad swats it back with his hammer and it hits the figure.

???: That hurt, see?!

Toad: Who are you?!

???: Do you think that I would be stupid enough to tell you that I am the great Shadow Thief, Popple, the most infamous thief in history?

Toad: No.

Popple: Well good. Now you’ll never know who… I… am… Crud, see!

Popple runs into Toad and slams him against the wall. Toad retaliates by smacking Popple away with his squeaky hammer. Popple falls down and Toad jumps up into the air. He pulls out his hammer and brings it down. Popple rolls out of Toad’s way and a huge crashing noise envelops the sewers.

Luigi: Well there goes our nuisance.

Toad gets out of the crater he made and looks around. He looks at the wall and sees Popple scaling it. Toad grabs his squeaky hammer and hits the wall hard. The wall shakes but Popple hangs on tight.

Popple: I’m a master of scaling objects! You can’t hope to knock me down like- ACK!

Popple falls down and Toad catches his squeaky hammer.

Popple: Lucky shot!

Popple gets back up and reaches into his bag. He gets out a Fuzzy and throws it at Toad’s face. It clings to him and Toad starts running around screaming. Popple rams into him again and swipes his hammer.

Toad: Hey!

Popple: Ha ha! I got your hammer, see!

Toad: Well I have your bag!

Popple: !

Popple looks and sees his burlap bag is gone.

Popple: How the?! Oof!

Toad hits Popple in the head with the burlap bag. Popple hits the opposite wall hard. He gets out another Bob-omb and throws it at Toad. Toad catches it in the burlap bag.

Popple: Wait! Don’t let it explode in th-


Mario and Co duck as the wall explodes. Toad and Popple come flying through the smoke and land near the exit.

Popple: Maybe it was a bad idea to steal all those illegal fireworks…

Popple jumps toward the warp pipe but Toad grabs him before he can make it.

Mario: Uh, shouldn’t we help?

WHN: We should.

Toad slams Popple against the wall. Popple falls down and Toad retrieves his squeaky hammer.

Popple: I can’t lose to a fungus! My reputation will be ruined, see! Hmm, I got it!

Popple gets up and runs up to Luigi. He swipes his hammer and runs back to Toad.

Luigi: He stole my hammer!

Popple swings at Toad and Toad guards it with his hammer. Luigi’s hammer bounces off the squeaky hammer and hits Popple in the face.

Popple: ARGH! That didn’t work like I planned.

Toad: Give up!

Popple: Close to!

Popple runs back and swipes Mario’s Power Smash badge.

Mario: What the?!

Popple: How do like this, see?!

Popple raises his hammer and Toad jumps out of the way. Popple smashes the ground and creates a shockwave that causes Toad to fall. Popple walks up to Toad and places his foot on him.

Popple: Die!

Toad: Mini-Stars!

Small stars start pelting Popple and he steps back a bit. Toad gets up and swipes the Power Smash badge. Popple swings at Toad but he ducks in time. Toad uses his own Power Smash and knocks Popple away a few yards. Popple drops the hammer and Toad grabs it.

Popple: How could I, the great Shadow Thief, lose to this fungus?! ERGH!

He reaches into his pocket and takes out a Bulky Bob-omb.

Mario: Mamamia! I’m not supposed to see you guys yet!

Popple: DIE!

He throws it and a huge explosion occurs. The whole of Toad Town shakes as an explosion occurs in the sewers. Mario and Co. get blasted through many walls. Soon they hit a warp pipe and stop. The explosion has destroyed many sewer pipes and now the sewers are flooding with sewer water. Mario gets up and sees a frozen warp pipe.

Mario: I’ve got to get everyone to safety or else we’ll all drown!

Mario picks up all of his fainted party members and starts heading to the warp pipe. He stuffs them in and enters it himself.

Outside in Toad Town…



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