The Dark Prognosticus, Chapter 1: Paper Mario, The TRUE Story

By Dimentio

Mario and Co. are walking down Pleasant Path jumping, squishing, and swatting any enemy that gets near them. Mario sees a sign ahead.

Mario: “Koopa Bros. Fortress just ahead- Mario, if you are reading this please don’t go to our fort- and Koopa Village South”.

Luigi: Mario, Brother, I’m tired. Why don’t we stop at the village for some chow?

Toad: Yeah, defeating countless enemies without even trying does get you tired after a while.

Mario: I see logic in both of your statements. Ok, Koopa Bros. Fortress can wait.

They head down a hill and enter Koopa Village. However they don’t get such a warm welcome.

Toad: My hammer!

Luigi: My cap!

Mario: My pants!!

Fuzzies are running amok in the village stealing Koopas’ shells. As soon as Mario and Co. stepped into the village the Fuzzies stole their stuff.

Koopa: Help! This village is being overrun by Fuzzies!

Toad: Isn’t that the fault of the voters?


Koopa: T_T Are you going to help or not?

Luigi: Come on, Ma- Where did he go?

Toad points and Luigi sees Mario cutting down a tree that has some Fuzzies. The tree falls down, crushing a nearby house. Mario tackles the Fuzzy and gets his pants back. The log has also flattened some Fuzzies so the residents got their shells back.

Koopas: Thanks!

Luigi gets his cap back and Toad gets his hammer back. Mario and Co. go to the east part of the village and deal with any Fuzzies there. Mario sees one Fuzzy go into a house and goes after it.

Kooper: Hey, don’t barge in here while I’m shelless!

Mario: Hey, don’t yell at me! I’m trying to help you!

Mario heads out and Luigi and Toad follow him. They defeat any Fuzzies that got in their way. They eventually make it to a forest and see the Fuzzy hide in a tree.

Fuzzy: Meeeeeeooooorrk. You want the shell? Then guess where I am hiding.

The Fuzzy jumps from tree to tree at the speed of sound. Mario and Luigi get dizzy but Toad gets an idea. He takes out a container full of gasoline and begins to pour it on the tree. Mario sees where he is going and throws out a fireball towards the tree. The tree catches on fire and the Fuzzy falls down.

Fuzzy: No fair, you cheated!

Mario takes out his hammer.

Mario: Want to complain?

The Fuzzy gives back the shell and runs away. On cue a still shelless Kooper arrives.

Kooper: Mario, did you get my shell back?

Mario: Here you go, bub.

Mario hands him the shell and Kooper happily puts it on.

Kooper: Thanks Mario, you’re the best!

Luigi and Toad: Hey. we helped too, you know!

Kooper: Mario, can I ask you a favor?

Mario: Depends on what it is, Mac.

Kooper: Kooper.

Mario: Jesse.

Kooper: Anywho, could I possibly… join your travels?

Mario: Hmm, I don’t know, Stanley.

Kooper: Kooper.

Mario: Calvin.

Luigi: I think he might make a good addition to this team.

Toad: Yeah!

Mario: Well a loser is better than a no-armed loser. All right, Calvin, you can join.

Kooper: Yay! … And my name is Kooper!

Mario: Adam.

Kooper: T_T

Mario and Co are about to leave when they see a mob of Fuzzies.

Fuzzy: One of our top men died in that fire! You are going to pay for that!

Mario: Crud.

RPG-like battle.
Mario 15/15
Luigi 13/13
Kooper 10/10
Fuzzy Mob 25/25

Toad: Aww, no fair. I don’t get to join?!

The Fuzzies start swarming around Mario and Luigi. They start swatting them away but in the end get buried under a pile of Fuzzies. Kooper quickly uses “Power Shell” and knocks away the Fuzzies. Mario and Luigi backflip out of the Fuzzy Mob.

Mario: None of them got defeated. Man, you are weak.

Kooper: What? It’s not like there is a gym in Koopa Village.

Luigi then gets an idea. Luigi jumps on Kooper and he retracts into his shell.

Kooper: Hey, what gives?

Luigi takes out his hammer and hits Kooper towards the Fuzzy Mob. He hits the Mob and Mario sees what he is up to. He takes out his own hammer and hits Kooper back into the Mob, taking out some more Fuzzies. Back and forth he goes until all the Fuzzies are taken care of.

Battle Over. Mario Wins = 12 Star Points.

Kooper comes back out and faints from the dizziness. Then- CCCRRRAAASSSHHH! A tree falls down on the Fuzzies.

Mario and Luigi: 0_0

They look and see it was Toad who cut the tree down.

Toad: Was the fight over?

Mario: Yes! What did you go and do that for?!

Toad: Didn’t know.

Luigi picks up Kooper and they go back to Koopa Village. They go inside the inn, eat, and then take a nap. Soon Mario wakes up…

Mario: *yawwwn* Huh? Hey, someone just stole my wallet!

Luigi: Oh well. Back to our adventure.

They leave the inn while someone in the shadows counts how much money Mario has.

???: 2 gold coins?! … And an autographed picture of Mario with Chuck Norris? Well it might get me a few bucks on Ebay, see.

Mario and Co. are back on Pleasant Path heading towards Koopa Bros. Fortress. They see some enemies… and the enemies scream upon looking at the gang.

Koopa: It’s those two murderous plumbers and that deranged Toad!


They all scramble in random directions.

Toad: It seems our reputations have proceeded us.

Now they have an easier time getting to Koopa Bros. Fortress…

Chapter 7: Siege on Koopa Bros. Fortress.

Mario and Co. have made it to a rundown fortress. They see Yellow smelling some flowers.

Yellow: Ahh, I love to take a break and smell the flowers.

He turns around and sees Mario and Co.

Mario and Co: 0_o

Yellow: 0_0  Uh, fear my power?

Yellow runs back into the base screaming.

Yellow: They’re here! They’re here!

Red: What? Already? Hmm… Koopa Bros, we need to take action.

Mario tries to open the front door but can’t.

???: Someone is trying to open the door. Action time: quick, hide underneath the tables! Black, go answer.

Black: Who is it?

Mario: Pizza Delivery!

Luigi: Mail Call!

Toad: Fortress Inspector!

Kooper: Bug Soup!

Black: Bug Soup?! Come on in.

Black opens the door and Mario knocks him out with his hammer.

Mario: Good job, Adam.

Kooper: Koo…per.

Mario: Aus…tin.

Kooper turns red in anger but calms himself.

Mario: All right, gang, let’s-a go.

They go into the next room and see Red putting a key inside a cell.

Red: Now there is no way Mario can advance.

Red turns around and sees Mario.

Red: Yipes! Time to run.

Red throws a smoke pellet on the ground. After the smoke clears Mario and Co. see Red hasn’t moved.

Red: Oh, right, you’re supposed to run while the smoke is still there.

Red runs screaming when Mario takes a swing at him with his hammer.

Mario: Well we’d better go explore this place.

Mario and Co. go through many places, finding keys and beating up any Koopas they find. Meanwhile Yellow is setting up a booby trap.

Yellow: This ought to show them! Uh oh, looks like someone is coming.

Yellow goes into the next room while Mario and Co. enter the room.

Mario: Boy, that sure was a tough battle.

Luigi: Who would have thought Bowser would actually start giving his henchmen steroids?

They go up and see the door is locked.

Mario: Darn. Maybe we need that key Red locked up.

Kooper: Hey Mario, look at that.

They see a block with a sign next to it.

Toad: “If you want the adventure to be automatically over hit this block”?

Mario: Hot dog!

Mario runs over to the block and hits it. The floor underneath them opens up.

Mario: I thought it was too good to be truueeeeeeeee…

Mario and Co. fall into a cell that contains many Bomb-ombs. A pink one approaches them.

Bombette: Wow Mario! I never thought I would meet someone famous… Except for Chuck Norris.

Mario: Yeah, yeah. I’m kind of busy at the moment. Where is the exit?

Bombette: Sorry dude, but you’re trapped in here like the rest of us. My name is-

Luigi: Very nice to meet you.

Toad: How are we going to get out?

Mario: Only one way: we ask Chuck Norris to come and help us get out. Until then we’ll praise him by telling jokes of him.

Toad: Oh, can I start? Chuck Norris’s tear cures cancer. Too bad he doesn’t cry.

Mario: Oh, I got one. Chuck Norris is so strong that one of his blood cells can kill you.

Bombette: Uh, hello? How can telling these lame jokes get us out?

Mario: Silence!

Luigi: My turn! You know why the dinosaurs went extinct? It’s because a dinosaur looked at Chuck Norris funny once. ONCE.

Several bad jokes later…

Bombette is really angry that her “heroes” are doing nothing but telling crummy jokes.

Kooper: All right, here is another. Chuck Norris found this poor orphan on a street. He felt sorry for him and gave him a blood transfusion, and that kid grew up to be Superman.

Mario and Co. start laughing their heads off and Bombette decides to go talk to her “heroes”.

Bombette: Uh, excuse me?

Mario: That was a good one, Austin.

Kooper: All right, repeat after me: K-O-O-P-E-R.

Mario: K-O-O-P-E-R.

Kooper: Now say my name.

Mario: Matthew.

Bombette: YO! BOZOS!

Mario: Don’t interrupt us!

Mario takes out his hammer and swats Bombette away. She hits a wall and Boom! They see a hole in the wall.

Mario: Hmm, looks like there is an opening now. Come on, let’s-a go.

Toad: Please stop saying that.

Mario: Can’t help it.

They defeat the guards that come in and go into the room with the cell and Red’s key.

Luigi: How are we going to get that key?

Kooper: Hmm, maybe if…

Crash! The gang look and see…

Mario: Superman?! I wanted Chuck Norris.

Superman flies away sadly and Chuck Norris comes onto the scene.

Mario: That’s better. Yo Chuck, can you help us get that key there?

Chuck Norris bends the bars and Kooper gets the key.

Mario: Thanks, Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris disappears and Mario and Co. continue. They open the locked door and see they’re one story above the cell room. They see a row of switches and Mario hits Kooper to the first one. Platforms come out of the wall and Mario and Co cross the gap. However now a platform is blocking them and Mario hits Kooper to the switch. The platforms retract but now Kooper is stuck with the switch.

Mario: Can you get back, Matthew?

Kooper: No… And my name is Kooper!

Mario: Steve.

Toad: How are we going to get across?

Luigi: Break out the long jump.

Luigi grabs Toad and long jumps across the gap, as does Mario.

Kooper: Hey, what about me?

Mario: Don’t worry, Steve, we will be back.

Kooper: My… name… is… KOOPER!!!

Mario: Sheesh, James sure is loud.

They long jump all the way to the door. They open it and see another switch. Mario hits it and the stairs from the pool rise up. Black wakes up and jumps onto the stairs. Black runs away screaming at the sight of Mario and Co. They quickly climb up the stairs and open the door. They see they are on a bridge that leads to an airstrip. On the other side they see Iggy and the Koopa Bros.

Iggy: Mario, long time no see.

Mario: What are you talking about? I saw you and your family two weeks ago!

Iggy: Yeah, well, Koopa Bros, arm the cannons.

Yellow: I don’t see anywhere we can give them weapons.

Red slaps Yellow and they aim at Mario.

Iggy: Fire!

The Blasters start shooting out Bullet Bills at Mario and Co. However they just swat the Bullet Bills back with their hammers.

Iggy: Err! Bill Blasters, go faster!

Mario: Hey, that would make a great song name!

The Blasters start shooting out even more Bullet Bills, but Mario and Co. are ready. They jump, swat, and duck.

Red: They’re getting closer. Quick, back inside!

Iggy and the Koopa Bros. run back inside. Mario gets close to a Bill Blaster and hits it with his hammer. Mario gets the first strike!

Mario 10/15
Luigi 9/13
Toad 10/12
Bill Blasters 10/10

Mario hits a Blaster and his hammer snaps in half.

Mario: Mamamia! Oof!

Mario gets hit by a Bullet Bill. Luigi jumps on a Bill Blaster but no effect! Toad hits one of the Blasters with his hammer but the hammer just bounces back and hits Toad instead! Mario gets back up, the remains of his hammer on the floor.

Mario: Darn it, my hammer broke. Well thank DAD for the triple pack.

Mario takes a hammer out of his pocket but proceeds to use Power Jump. The Bill Blaster gets hurt. Luigi takes the opportunity and uses “Super Jump”. He hits the same Bullet Bill, giving it more damage. Toad uses “Mini-Stars” and launches them at the Blasters. It pierces their defense and gives them damage. They shoot out Bullet Bills but our heroes swat them back at them. One Bill Blaster gets defeated. Mario uses Hammer Throw and clogs up a Bill Blaster with the hammer. Boom! The Bill Blaster explodes and Mario gets out his last hammer. They gang up on the last Bill Blaster and eventually defeat it.

Battle Over! Mario wins = 18 Star Points.

Mario sees a Heart Box and hits it. The gang recover all their HP and FP. Just then Kooper comes onto the scene.

Kooper: You guys left without me!

Mario: Sorry, Kooper.

Kooper: What did you just say?

Mario: Sorry, Andy.

Kooper: T_T  Just as I thought.

Mario and Co. enter the next room…

Chapter 8: Attack of the Members of Digibutter.nerr

Mario and Co. enter what looks like a control deck.

Red: Yikes! Looks like they are here.

Iggy: Okay, you guys know what to do.

Koopa Bros: Yes sir!

A lot of thumping, squishing, painful sounds, and cursing is heard.

Mario and Co: ?

Then a bad-looking Bowser robot appears before the gang.

Luigi: Boy, is that thing ugly.

Bowser???: I am Bowser, so fear me!

Mario: Bowser is uglier.

Luigi: And fatter.

Toad: And stinkier.

Bowser???: Enough of these insults. Prepare yourself, Mario, for I will personally send you to the Underwhere.

Mario: Try it!

Mario 15/15
Luigi 13/13
Toad 12/12
Bowser 10/10

Mario: Only ten HP?

Bowser???: Uh, I’m tired?

Mario uses Power Jump but Bowser??? backs away and avoids it. It goes up to Mario and slaps him.

Mario: Are you serious? Only 1 HP?

Bowser???: So you want me to fight dirty? Okay!

Bowser‘s??? hands grow spikes on them.

Luigi: Way to go, meatball.

Bowser??? starts charging at them, his arms flailing. Mario uses Hammer Throw and Bowser??? slows down. Luigi quickly does Super Jump and nearly makes him fall over. Toad takes out his hammer and hits him, but the hammer bounces back to him again.

Toad: @$%- No. You will not become like your uncle.

Bowser??? starts chasing after Luigi but Toad throws his squeaky hammer in his path and Bowser??? trips on it. It lands hard, sending shockwaves that hurt Mario and Co. Mario takes out his hammer and hits Bowser???’s stomach with all his might. CRACK! Boom! Mario sees Bowser implode.

Mario: Cool!

And out come the Koopa Bros.

Mario: Lame.

Iggy: Impossible! Grr… Come on, you guys. This battle is live on dig butter.nerr, and we can’t let them down!

Koopa Bros: Right.

Red: Guys, get in formation!

Green: Hey, how come I haven’t had many lines?

Black: You were making the Bowser bot, remember?

Red: I said, in formation!

Koopa Bros: Right!

They stack on top of each other and Iggy gets behind them.

Iggy: Attack!

Koopa Bros: Yes sir!

Mario 14/15
Luigi 13/13
Toad 11/12
Red 5/5
Black 5/5
Green 5/5
Yellow 5/5
Iggy 20/20

The Koopa Bros. start spinning around really fast and charge toward Mario. Mario doesn’t move fast enough and gets hit. The Koopa Bros. strike a pose.

Red: How’d you like that, Mario?

Mario: Let’s get them.

Mario goes up to the stack and hits them with his hammer. They start to lean and nearly fall.

Yellow: Woah, dudes! Stay balanced!

Luigi, however, swings his hammer as well and they fall on Iggy.

Iggy: Argh! Mph! Get off me!

Toad grabs one of the Koopas and throws him at Iggy.

Iggy: Ow! Watch it! Get up, you guys. If we fail we’ll be humiliated all over digibutter.nerr!

The Koopa Bros. quickly get back up and form their tower. They quickly start spinning again and head towards Luigi. Luigi pulls out his hammer and swings, but they are too strong. They knock away his hammer and hit Luigi. The Koopa Bros. stop to regain their balance, but Toad comes out of nowhere and hits them with his hammer. Again they start to lose their balance, but Iggy steps in.

Iggy: Oh no you’re not.

Iggy takes out his wand and fires geometric shapes at Toad. Toad gets hit and gets launched towards Luigi. The Koopa Bros. get their balance back only to lose it again when Mario hits them with the hammer.

Green: Not cool!

Iggy and Mario start having a fight while the Koopa Bros. get knocked down when Luigi throws his hammer at them. However they land on their feet. Mario sees that and takes out a POW Block.

Toad: When did we get that?

Mario: Deleted scene.

Mario hits it and the Koopa Bros. fall over. However Iggy sees an opening and hits him with his wand, knocking him back. Iggy pins him down and charges up a spell.

Toad: Mushroom of might to the rescue!

Toad headbutts Iggy and knocks him away. Iggy quickly gets back on his feet and jumps next to the Koopa Bros.

Mario 7/15
Luigi 9/13
Toad 9/12
Red 3/5
Black 3/5
Green 3/5
Yellow 3/5
Iggy 10/20

Iggy: Men, we are in trouble! Time to do the Super Awesome Attack of Supreme Coolness.

Red: Yes sir!

They stack on top of each other again but this time Iggy takes out his wand.

Iggy: Supersize us!

They get about 20 feet taller.

Mario: 0~0  Is this bad?

The Koopa Bros. start spinning again but this time Iggy hits them with his wand, launching them at high speed towards Mario and Co. Mario gets hit twice but the others only get hit once. Mario reaches into his pocket and takes out a Super Mushroom. Mario + 10 HP. The Koopa Bros get back into place and start spinning again.

Toad: This is bad.

Iggy launches them again but Luigi and Toad successfully dodge. Mario, however, uses Hammer Throw to try to stop Red, but misses. Mario gets hit again but the hammer knocks away Iggy’s wand.

Iggy: Crud!

As soon as the Koopa Bros. get into position they shrink back to normal size.

Black: Dudes, what happened?

Toad and Luigi smack them with their hammers and they fall down. Iggy goes to get his wand back. Toad shoots out Mini Stars, hitting each Koopa Bro. They quickly get back on their feet and form a tower. Iggy gets his wand back and they grow back to super size. Toad then gets an idea.

Toad: If you don’t want your brothers or this posted on digibutter.nerr, you’ll back down.

Yellow starts to sweat.

Yellow: Ugh, I faint!

Yellow spins around defeated?

Red: ? Well, let’s get them, remaining Bros.

They start spinning again and Iggy launches them. Luigis get hit this time as does Toad, but it s a diversion. Mario jumps over Red and throws his hammer again at Iggy. Iggy drops his wand and they shrink back. Toad and Luigi hit the Koopa Tower and they fall down again but they land on their feet. Toad grabs Green and throws hit at Black.

Black: Argh! Not awesome!

Luigi jumps on Green, defeating him. Black gets up but gets defeated by Toad’s squeaky hammer.

Red: Bros! You guys are going to pay for that!

Iggy gets his wand back and they get huge again. Red starts spinning wildly and Iggy launches him. Mario and Luigi take out their hammers and actually swat Red back at Iggy.

Iggy: CRUD!

CRASH! Thud! Iggy falls down and they shrink back to normal. Mario then proceeds to use Power Jump on Red. POW!

Battle Over! Mario wins = 32 Star Points! Mario + 5 FP!

Iggy: Yipes! Better run!

Iggy takes the Eldstar card and heads to the hangar.

Mario: Quick! After him!

Kooper: How come I didn’t get to fight?!

Mario and Co. go after Iggy at the hanger… and see his doomship.

Iggy: Aha ha ha ha! Try to get me now, Mario!

Mario: Just like old times.

Mario and Co. get on one of the doomships.

Iggy: Not this time, Mario. Men, deploy the cannons!

Hammer Bro: The cannons are set, sir!

Iggy: Well, what are you waiting for? Fire!

Mario sees many Bill Blaster arise out of the exterior of the doomship.

Mario: No prob.

Mario jumps like the expert he is and avoids everything.

Iggy: He is getting through! Load the other cannons!

The side cannons start firing but Mario easily avoids it.

Mario: Come on. Once you go through seven different doomships, it’s pretty easy to dodge stuff.

Koopa: Sir, he is getting closer! And his friends are destroying the other doomships!

Iggy: Grrr! If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

Iggy goes to the small enclosed room as Mario comes in from the warp pipe.

Mario: Release that Star Spirit, Iggy!

Iggy: Never! As long as I have this Star Spirits all my wishes come true. See, I wished that I was the most popular guy on digibutter.nerr and it came true! I won’t have you ruin my reputation!

Mario: Bring it, nerd!

Iggy starts shooting out geometric shapes at Mario. Mario simply jumps over them and jumps on Iggy.

Iggy: Yeowch! Err, that pain never goes away!

Iggy starts shooting out more geometric shapes. Mario jumps again but Iggy jumps as well and kicks him down.

Mario: Oof! Very good. However, not good enough.

Mario runs into Iggy and jumps on him again.

Iggy: Argh! You have been a pain on us Koopas for too long.

Iggy starts charging his wand and shoots out lots of fireballs. Mario gets overwhelmed. Mario quickly ducks and slides into Iggy. Iggy looks down and gets uppercut by Mario. Mario gets out his hammer and jumps into the air. He smashes Iggy back into the ground… and jumps on him.


Iggy gets knocked out and drops the Eldstar card. Mario picks it up and Eldstar gets released. Instantly Mario and Co. are teleported back to the front of the Fort. The doomships blowup and Iggy gets blasted into the sky.

Mario has freed the first Star Spirit! Yet there are still 6 to go, with 6 more Koopalings guarding them. Can Mario save the rest? Why can’t Mario call Kooper by his real name? What happened to the reputation of the Koopa Bros. and Iggy on digibutter.nerr? Why does Yellow like to smell the flowers? Was it really necessary to tell those lame jokes? Why is Chuck Norris being mentioned in this story a lot? Will my pizza ever get cooked?! Well, again, not many answers to these questions, but tune in for the next chapter of Paper Mario: The TRUE Story. Come on, stupid oven, work! Why won’t…

Read on!

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