The Dark Prognosticus, Chapter 1: Paper Mario, The TRUE Story

By Dimentio

Sub Chapter 2: Time to Invade Privacy

Bowser: What?!

Kammy: It’s true, Your Giganticness.

Bowser: I’m not referring to you, old hag. Someone online just beat me in Mario Kart Wii with Rosalina.

Kammy: Hmm, wonder who that could have been? Err… um… Your Repulsiveness! Didn’t you hear me?! Mario defeated Iggy and The Koopa Bros! He just freed the first Star Spirit!

Bowser: Excuse me?!


Iggy crashes right through Bowser’s window.

Iggy: I think I’m dieing…

Bowser: I hope not because I WANT TO KILL YOU MYSELF!!!

Iggy: Mega crud…

???: Don’t worry about it, think over it, ponder about it, Daddy Dearest. Spare him, let him continue his game-

Bowser: What, Morton?

Morton: Dad, please refer to me as Sultan Morton Koopa Jr, ruler of saharas and deserts.

Bowser: I’m going to stop calling you all together. What do you want?

Morton: I require from you, King Dad, the most powerful being of all Plit, to give me a cool pharaoh hat-

Bowser: You dare interrupt your brother’s death just for a stupid hat?!

Iggy: I can see the light… Oh no, wait, it’s turning into fire.

Morton: Yes, well that and uh, I need, require, be grateful for some assistance. I need a ruin to be raised out of the ground so we can hide the next Star Spirit.

Bowser: Who’s we?

???: Me!

Bowser sees what looks like puzzle pieces floating around the room. They gather in one place and form a pharaoh-looking Koopa.

???: Greetings, Lord Bowser. I am Tutankoopa, Sultan of Dry Dry Desert.

Morton: What are you talking, saying, blathering about? I found you near a dumpster in Dry Dry Outpost.

Bowser: I think all of you are getting stupider every year. You don’t need my help to rise out that ruin.

Morton: We don’t?

Bowser: Just wish for it with your Star Card. Now go hide that Star Spirit RIGHT NOW!

Bowser’s scream launches Morton and Tutankoopa out of the castle.

Bowser: I’m hungry. Come on, haggy, let’s go see what’s for lunch.

Kammy: If it’s okay with you, Your Chunkiness, I think I’ll just go to the library.

They both head out the door.

Iggy: Hello? Hey, I’m still dieing here!

Meanwhile with Peach…

TV: Mario Party 257! Don’t buy it tomorrow, don’t buy it next year, buy it today! *click* Go to Wario’s Mini Microgame Emporium! *click*  I love you, you love me! *click* Welcome to Fireball, Roy, and Mario’s Show! *click* Beeop.

Peach: There is never anything good on!

Peach throws the remote in anger and it hits a picture hanging near the fireplace. The picture breaks and a button is behind it.

Peach: Cool!

Twink: Lucky.

Peach presses the button and the fireplace gets put out. She sees a secret passageway.

Peach: Now we can get out.

They go through the fireplace, walk, and then see a dead end.

Twink: Rats.

Peach: *screech* Where?!

Twink -_-

Peach: Great, a dead end. So much for hope.


Twink sees a button on the wall and pushes it. The wall starts moving.

Peach: I’m a genius!

Twink: T_T

Peach and Twink see they are in a different room.

Peach: I wonder whose room this is?

They see a dieing Iggy on the floor.

Peach and Twink: Bowser’s.

Just then Peach sees Bowser’s diary open.

Peach: Excellent…

Twink: Uh, I don’t think you should be reading that…

Peach has already started flipping pages and finds today’s page.

Peach: “Day OXO, Weather: I don’t know. It’s freaking space. Today I finally found my lost Cabbage Patch Kid”  0_0  “, completing my collection. Now all I have to do is get a Papa Smurf doll”  0~0  “and I can complete that collection as well.”  >=) Blackmail material!

Peach takes out a camera and starts taking pictures of random pages. Suddenly Twink notices something.

Twink: !

I already said you noticed something!

Twink: It’s for dramatic affect. Peach, look at this page.

Peach: A schedule of when the Teletubbies is on?

Twink: No… The page right next to it.

Peach: “After winning in an online match against someone who was using Rosalina *cough* I received some bad but expected news. My wimp of a kid Iggy failed to guard the first Star Spirit. Mario has freed the first Star Spirit. Still, my powerful but talk-a-lot son Morton will finish him. Morton is planning to hide the next Star Spirit in Dry Dry Desert, wherever that is. Well, I’m going for some lunch, so be right back.”

Twink: One of the honorable Star Spirits is being held in Dry Desert. I’ll go tell Mario.

Twink goes to the door… as it swings open, crushing him.

Twink: (muffled) Ouch.

Bowser: I just remembered… I still have to kill Ig- Huh?!

He sees Peach holding his diary.

Bowser: Did you read my diary?!

Peach: What if I did? What are you going to do about it?

While Peach and Bowser are arguing, Twink slips out and leaves Bowser’s castle to inform Mario…

Talking to Star Sprits mid.

Chapter 9: Return of “Master” Jr. Troopa

Eldstar: Thank you, Mario, for freeing me.

Co: Hey, we helped too, you know!

Eldstar: Anywho, Mario, you can call me in battle whenever you need aid.

Mario can now call Eldstar for help!

Eldstar: I just said that.

Mario: ?  Uh, great, so now, let’s-a go.

Eldstar: Wait, don’t you even want to know how you summon me?

Mario: I said “let’s-a go”.

Mario and Co walk down Pleasant Path while Eldstar shrugs and ascends to Star Heaven. Mario and Co. get near Koopa Village when they hear something rustling in the bushes.

Mario and Co:?

Mario looks inside the bushes and…

???: Yahh!

Jr. Troopa leaps out and grabs onto Mario’s face. The Dark Prognosticus blocks the fallowing scenes for graphic content and words you would think Mario would let out. We are doing this for the sake of all small children.

Jr. Troopa: Now Mario… Time for my revenge!

Jr. Troopa bites Mario’s nose. The enemy got the first strike!

Mario 10/15
Luigi 13/13
Toad 12/12
Jr. Troopa 20/20

Jr. Troopa: Watch this and weep. More power!

Jr. Troopa gets inside his eggshell.

Mario and Co: T_T?

Mario jumps on Jr. Troopa. To his surprise he does no damage.

Mario: What the?

Jr. Troopa quickly comes out and rams into Mario. He pins him against a tree and begins to slap him continuously. Luigi and Toad grab Jr. Troopa and throw him away.

Mario: Mamamia!

Jr. Troopa hides in his eggshell, and Luigi uses Jump. 1 damage. He comes out again and starts chasing after the screaming Luigi. Toad sneaks up from behind and whacks him with his hammer. 2 damage.

Jr. Troopa: They don’t need to know how much damage they are giving me!

Jr. Troopa jumps on Toad and proceed to continue jumping on him. Mario gets up and quickly uses Power Jump. POW! Jr. Troopa gets dizzy for a while and Toad swats him away. He lands near Luigi, who takes out his hammer. Luigi swings his hammer but Jr. Troopa rolls out of the way and jumps toward his face. He grabs on and starts kicking and punching him.

Luigi: AAAHHHH! Get him off! Get him off! Get @&%$ off me!

Jr. Troopa gets off… just as Toad aims for Luigi’s face with his hammer. Pow! Luigi gets hits and falls down. Jr. Troopa jump-kicks Luigi just as Mario comes in with hammer in hand.

Mario 3/15
Luigi 0/13 Fainted
Toad 7/12
Jr. Troopa 14/20

Kooper comes into the fight.

Kooper: About tim- Hey, let go off me!

Jr. Troopa picked up Kooper and is using him to shield off Mario’s attack.

Kooper: Ow! Mario, what –ow- are you doing?! Ow!

Mario: Don’t worry, Kooper, I’ll get you out of his grasp.

Jr. Troopa throws the bruised Kooper towards Mario. Mario jumps over him but Kooper collides with Toad. Mario swings his hammer towards Jr. Troopa but he jumps out of the way. Just then pow! Jr. Troopa got hit by Kooper’s Power Shell. Toad quickly goes up to the downed Jr. Troopa and picks him up. He throws him towards Mario, hammer in hand. SMACK! He hits him but Jr. Troopa stands his ground.

Jr. Troopa: Argh! I’m not done with you yet, Mario. Taste my fury!

Jr. Troopa jumps onto Mario but Toad swats him away.

Mario: *gasp* Ugh, I’m in trouble. Better call Eldstar. I summon you, Eldstar!

*chirp, chirp*

Mario:?! Why isn’t he coming?! Come on! Get your old star butt here! I need assistance! Come on!

Mario instead gets out his last Mushroom. Mario + 5 HP. Jr. Troopa jumps on Kooper, flipping him over.

Kooper: I’m so humiliated.

He kicks him towards Toad but Toad merely jumps over Kooper. His landing isn’t as graceful though. Jr. Troopa rams into Toad as soon as he landed and he crashes into a tree. Ironically the tree falls on Toad.

Toad: Now I know how those Fuzzies felt.

Kooper gets up and uses Power Shell again. Jr. Troopa jumps but Mario jumps as well. He smashes him down with his hammer. Kooper does a 180 and runs into Jr. Troopa. Mario gets out a Fire Flower and plants it into the ground. The Fire Flower blooms and shoots out dozens of fireballs at Jr. Troopa.

Jr. Troopa: Darn it! Ugh…

Battle Over! Mario wins = 20 Star Points!

Jr. Troopa: Shoot… I was… close.

Mario and Co. leave Jr. Troopa alone as vultures start circling him. Mario and Co. continue on the path and enter Toad Town…

Chapter 10: Exploring Toad Town

Mario and Co. have made it back to Toad Town.

Mario: Listen up, you guys. Let’s chill for some time, but don’t do anything stupid. Ok?

Co: Right!

And so, with Mario…

Rowf: Step right up! Come on and buy badges!


Mario walks up to the badge shop.

Mario: Hmm, I’ll take them all.

Rowf: $.$

Mario: You okay?

Rowf: 100 dollars.

Mario: Do you accept checks?

Rowf: Yep.

Mario: Here.

Mario writes a 100-dollar check and hands it to Rowf.

Mario: That is a postdated check. You can cash it in 100 years.

Rowf: Great doing business with you, chum…p.

Mario runs away.

Meanwhile with Luigi…

Luigi goes over to Russ T’s house.

Luigi: Hi buddy!

Russ T: Ah, hello Luigi, old chap. How’ve ya been?

Luigi: Good. I’m here so we can talk about quantum physics as you said.

Russ T: I say, you sure, old bean? This subject is hard even for me. I’m not sure this is your piece of crumpet.

Luigi: I can handle it.

One long, complicated talk later…

Luigi steps out of Russ T’s house shaking and with soiled pants.

Luigi: I don’t get it. What’s my name?!

Meanwhile with Toad…

Toad: Well?!

Merlon: For the last time! If I knew next week’s lottery numbers I wouldn’t have this job, would I?!

Merlon kicks Toad out.

Toad: Fraud.

Meanwhile with Kooper…

Kooper: Ahh, I love this garden.

Minh T: Eek! What are you doing?

Kooper: I- I was just smelling-

A shotgun is cocked.

Minh T: Get away from my garden!

Kooper runs away as Minh T. starts shooting.

Back with Mario…

Mario has made it to she South side of Toad Town. Mario smells a delicious aroma. He enters where Tayce T’s house would have been and sees it is a club.

Bartender: Welcome to Club 64. What will it be?

Mario: I’ll have three Hot Shrooms, one Bland Meal, two Fried Shrooms, and one Tasty Tonic.

Bartender: Yo! Tayce T! Order up! By the way, that’ll be 65 gold coins.

Mario: Uh, do you take checks?

Bartender: Read the sign.

Mario sees the sign: We don’t accept checks from Jr. Troopa, Mario, Toad, Bowser, and his kids.

Mario: Fine, here’s my money.

Mario gives him the money and leaves with his food items.

Back with Luigi…

Luigi has a fresh new pair of pants. He decides to wander around the south side of Toad Town as well. As soon as he gets there…

???: Help!

Luigi: Luigi to the rescue!

Luigi runs to the bridge and sees a Toad cowering in a shack.

Luigi: What is it?

Fice T: Th-there is a mo-monster out there!

Luigi: Fear not, for Luigi will slay the beast.

Fice T: Great, where is he?

Luigi: I’m Luigi!

Fice T: Oh… I imagined you to be more… cooler.

Luigi ignores him and goes to the entrance of the Forever Forrest. It starts to get dark and Luigi hears some rustling.

Luigi: H-hello? I’m not afraid of you! Come on out, monster!

Luigi sees the shadow of a hideous, hairy, 15-foot, sharp-clawed monster.


Luigi runs as fast he can, leaving a yellow trail.

Back with Toad…

Toad has made his way to the south side of Toad Town. Toad sees a warp pipe surrounded by a fence. Toad decides to investigate and sees a sign.

Toad: “Caution: Toad Town Sewers. No entry unless you’re a plumber” Psh, how bad could it be?

Toad enters the warp pipe. He is soon in Toad Town Sewers.

Toad: Ick. I feel sorry for the suckers who have to work here.

Toad goes east and deals with all the Gloombas. He continues going east and sees a treasure chest.

Toad: Urge to open… rising.

Toad is about to open it when…


Toad turns around a sees a giant Blooper.


Toad opens the chest, grabs the badge, and runs like mad.

Blooper: I just wanted a friend.

In the shadows of the sewer…

???: Err… That little fungus beat me to the treasure, see? Hmm, he is good. Very good. Maybe good enough to... Nah.

Back with Kooper…

Kooper is out of range of the shotgun.

Kooper: *gasp, wheeze* I’m alive. *cough, gasp* What the?

He sees a plant rise out of the ground.

Kooper: What are you supposed to be?

???: Why, I’m a Bub-ulb. I come from-

Kooper: Very interesting. Well I have to go now.

Bilb: Wait, you’re the first person I’ve talked to. I want you to have this.

Kooper: A seed?! Look, I nearly got blasted to bits by a plant freak so I’m no longer a fan of plants.

Bulb: *demonic voice* I said… take… it!

Kooper: Okay, okay!

Kooper got the magic seed!

Kooper: What’s so magic about it?

Bulb: Plant it with care! … Or I’ll send bad people to your home.

Kooper: Whatever.


Mario leaves the club, Luigi appears with another new pair of pants, Toad jumps out of the warp pipe, and Kooper walks up to Mario.

Kooper: Hey Mario!

Mario: Hey Michel.

Kooper: KOOPER!

Mario: Kristine.


Just then Luigi and Toad join.

Mario: Well, now what?

Twink: Hi Mario!

Mario looks up.

Mario: The sky is talking to me!

Twink: Behind you.

Mario turns around and sees Twink.

Mario: Hi Twink!

Twink: One of the honorable Star Spirits is being held in Dry Dry Desert.

Mario: Where is that?

Twink: Good luck!

Twink flies away.

Mario: Hey! Don’t ignore me! Well, let’s keep heading south.

They continue going south and see a train station. Mario goes up to the engineer.

Mario: Does this go to Dry Dry Desert?

Mister T: It used to, until that rock got in our way.

Mario: Your first name is Mister? I mean- We will get that rock moved. I have an idea!

One failed idea later…

Mario: Oh, right, that Bob-omb girl we met, uh, got a game over. Well, now what?

They look at each other for ideas… and see Toad is missing.

Luigi: Where did Toad go?

Toad: Hey, check it out!

Fwoom! Boom. Pow!

Toad: I found some fireworks.

Mario and Co: Ahhh!

Toad lights up 10 fireworks at the same time.

Mario: Mamam-


The rock blows up and the gang in covered in soot.

Mister T: *cough* All aboard?

Mario grabs everybody into a heap and throws them onto the train. The train starts and they head to Dry Dry Desert…

Read on!

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