The Dark Prognosticus, Chapter 1: Paper Mario, The TRUE Story

By Dimentio

Chapter 11: The Mt. Rugged Trail and the Hot, Hot Desert. Wait, Dry? That’s a stupid name for a desert.

Mario and Co have arrived at the next train station. They get off the train.

Mario: The movie was lame.

Luigi: There was no movie, you meatball.

Mario: Shh! The reader doesn’t know that!

Toad: Hey, this isn’t Dry Dry Desert!

Kooper: What gives?

Mister T: Sorry folks, but if you want to go to Dry Dry Desert then you are going to have to go through Mt. Rugged. Just follow that there trail there.

Mario and Co. grumble and start hiking up Mt. Rugged.

Mario: Hmm, something tells me that if I hadn’t done something stupid in the past we could have had a new partner right about now.

Toad: You are just being delusional.

They keep hiking up the trail and see a bunch of Monty Moles. However…

Monty Mole: *screech* It’s those two sociopath brothers and that mad Toad!

Monty Moles: Dig for your lives!

All the Monty Moles run away.

Kooper: How come I didn’t get a threatening nickname?

Mario: Don’t worry about it, Albert.

Kooper: MY… NAME… IS… ??? I- I don’t remember anymore!

Toad: What kind of a name is that?

Kooper: No! My name is uh umm…

Mario and Co. leave without him. They continue down the trail and see a bunch of rocks in their way. Toad gets near a rock and it starts to move. The rock turns into a Cleft.

Cleft: Argh. Look mustache and fungus have arrived. We no afraid like weaklings.

Toad: You sound estupido.

Cleft: We hurt you!

All the Clefts charge at them. Mario and Co easily jump over them. However the Clefts are too stupid to notice and keep charging… until they fall of a cliff.

Toad: Stupid.

They continue hiking and make it to the remains of a bridge. They easily long jump over the gap just as Kooper catches up to them.

Kooper: Don’t leave me behind again!

Mario: Oh come on, Alan, you can make it!

Kooper: My name is uh, I think it starts with a K. Urg, fine, I’ll jump.

Kooper takes a few steps back and gets a running start. He jumps but he doesn’t make it and falls all the way down.

Mario: Boy does he stink. Why do we have a member who can’t even jump? It makes us look bad!

Kooper lands painfully in a ditch. In the ditch are about 20 Clefts.

Kooper: @&-

Mario and Co. hear pained screaming and yelling. A Cleft hits Kooper and sends him flying all the way to the top. Kooper lands on the gang.

Kooper: I think I’m dieing.

Mario: Get off!

They stand up and Mario gives Kooper a Mushroom. Kooper + 5 HP.

Luigi: When did we get that?

Toad: Magic.

They continue on, then…

???: Hold it right there!

Mario and Co see a giant bird approach them.

Buzzar: Ye, you look similar to this uh Maria character. Yup, perty similar. Spill it! What’s yer name?!

Mario: Mario.

Luigi: Luigi.

Toad: Toad.

Kooper: I don’t even know anymore.

Buzzar: Wait this says Mario, not Maria. So what’s yer name again?

Mario: Oh, in that case, it’s, uh, Kooper!

Kooper: Wait, that’s my name! And of all the people to remind me it’s you, Mario!

Buzzar: Wait! Yer Mario?! Uh, I guess this means I gots to rough you up.

Mario: Way to go, Josh.

Kooper: Ugh, I lost it again.

Mario 15/15
Luigi 13/13
Toad 12/12
Buzzar 40/40

Mario: 0_o  You have 40 HP?!

Buzzar: Heh heh! Prepare for a whoopping!

Buzzra flies quickly into Mario and grabs onto his face.

Mario: Not the face!

Buzzar starts flying up but Luigi quickly does a Super Jump. Buzzar lets go of Mario. Mario uses Hammer Throw but Buzzar uses Wind Attack and the hammer hits Mario instead. Toad also takes damage but quickly uses Headbutt. Buzzar loses some altitude and Luigi jumps on him. Buzzar quickly regains altitude and uses Wind Attack again. This time they all successfully dodge but Buzzar just as quickly uses Needle Feathers. Mario and Co actually get pinned down by the sharp feathers! Buzzar starts to glow!

Mario: Oh no! A Pokemon ripoff move!

Buzzar uses Sky Atta- Wait, what? Buzzar hits Mario, launching him pretty far. Mario however stands his ground and uses Power Jump. POW! Mario brings down Buzzar onto the ground. Luigi pulls out all the feathers on himself and hits Buzzar with his hammer. Buzzar shakes them off and tries to go back up. However Toad too has taken out his feathers and throws his hammer at Buzzar. Buzzar gets brought down again and all three of them hit him with their hammers. Buzzar stands motionless.

Mario: I think we won.

Just then Buzzar flies swiftly, wings spread, knocking down Luigi and Toad. He grabs Mario and proceeds to fly up.

Mario: Mamamia! Owowowowow!

Instead of dropping him, Buzzar decides to crash him onto the ground. He quickly descends and crashes onto the ground, hurting Mario. Luigi tries to get up but Buzzar throws more Needle Feathers, pinning Luigi down again. Toad ducks and avoids the feathers. He uses Mini-Stars and fires them at Buzzar. Buzzar counters with his Wind Attack. However while he is distracted with Toad, Mario slowly gets up and uses Power Jump. POW! Buzzar gets hit and falls down on the floor.

Buzzar: It seems it was I who got whoopped. Ugh.

Battle Over! Mario wins= 15 Star Points.

Mario: Ouch. This is all your fault, Alex.

Alex?: Whatever. Serves you right for not remembering my name. Hey! *sniffle* Oh come on! Now the author can’t even remember my name?

Mario AND Co just go on ahead and set foot In Dry Dry Desert.

Mario: It’s… so… HOT!

Mario is sweating and has already taken off his shirt and pants.

Luigi: Mario, we have been only out here for 45 seconds! Mario?

Mario X-X

Luigi picks up Mario’s fainted body and the rest of the Co. head down the road. On the way they see a horde of Bandits.

Bandit Khan: Look! Trespassers!

Bandit: Let’s get ‘em!

Toad acts quickly and hits Kooper with his hammer.

Kooper: Not again!

He collides with the Bandits, defeating each one.

Bandit Khan: >_0 That looked like it hurt. Grr! Okay, you’re free to go. Fer now!

Luigi instead jumps on him and takes his money.

Kooper: What was that for?

Luigi: It’s not like we are rich at the moment!

Soon enough the predicable happens: they get lost.

Toad: @&%$!

Luigi: Now, now. No need to be like your uncle. We’ll find someway out of this place. Let’s keep going.

They go up, down, left, right, sideways, vertical, and any other way.

Kooper: Where back were we started!

Luigi: How do you know? Every place looks the same!

Kooper: Because you left Mario at this spot.

Luigi: Oops…

He picks up Mario’s dehydrated carcass and they continue getting lost, then…

Toad: My fungus powers are responding! I can feel water!

Toad runs east and they follow. Soon enough they are at an oasis. They drink, eat the fruit, and swim for a while. Then Toad notices something.

Toad: What’s this?

Toad points at a blue block.

Luigi: Hold on, it could-

Toad hits it and gets zapped by blue electricity.

Luigi: -be dangerous. No one ever listens to Luigi.

Toad learns new move Drain! With Drain he can leech an enemy’s health!

Toad: Weird. We shouldn’t be able to hear that.

Mario: Ahh. Well, come on, Gang. Let’s-a go.

The gang groan and they leave the oasis. They get lost for a few hours but eventually find the road that leads them to Dry Dry Outpost…

Chapter 12: Finding Dry Dry Ruins

Mario and Co. have arrived at Dry Dry Outpost. Now the next step is confusing.

Mario: I just realized, what are we looking for?

Luigi: The Star Spirit!

Mario: Not that, you lima bean. I know we are looking for them, but we don’t even know where they are being held.

Toad: Crud.

Kooper: Well maybe the townsfolk now something.

Kooper goes up to a nomad Toad.

Kooper: Excuse me sir-

Spice T: I’m a girl!

Kooper: I’m sorry, but with the veils it’s hard to tell am- POW!

Spice T hits Kooper with her purse, knocking him out.

Mario: So much for that, Rosa.

Kooper: That’s…a… girl’s… name…

Mario picks up his fainted body and they proceed to head east. They talk to people and get confused, insulted, hit, and in trouble with the cops. Eventually they make it to the end of Dry Dry Outpost.

Mario: Excuse me. By any chance do you know where a Star Spirit is being held?

Sheek: I do.

Mario: Great!

Sheek: …

Mario: Well?

Sheek: Well what?

Mario: Aren’t you going to tell us?

Sheek: I will… for a price.

Mario: Hmm, how about a trade?

Sheek: I’m listening.

Mario: You tell us and we will trade you this uh… Koopa!

Mario shows him the fainted Kooper.

Sheek: It’s a deal!

Sheek grabs Kooper and vanishes.

Luigi: 0_o We just got ripped off!

Toad notices a piece of paper on the ground.

Toad: “If you want to know where the Star Spirit is being held, just go see Moustafa.”

Mario notices a door where Sheek was. They go in, jump from roof to roof, and see a door. They go in and see Sheek again.

Sheek: Thanks again for the turtle.

Mario: All right, spill it!

Sheek: Very well.

Sheek takes off his rob and reveals himself as-

Moustafa: Yes, it is I, Moustafa. I hail from a long line of-

Luigi: Look, just tell us where the Star Spirit is being held!

Moustafa: Touchy. Here, this Pulse Stone will tell you where the Ruins are. That is where the Star Spirit is being held.

Mario: Thanks… By the way, why did you agree to take Rosa?

Moustafa: I have my reasons… So scat!

Mario and Co leave. Kooper starts to wake up.

Kooper: Where am I?

Kooper sees he is in a pot with water and vegetables.

Kooper: @&%-

Kooper’s cursing gets cut off by the lid being put on the pot.

Moustafa: I just love turtle soup!

Mario and Co head back into the desert. After getting hopelessly lost again even with the Pulse Stone, they sit down on a rock.

Mario: Water… Water… I’ll even settle for some meatsauce.

Luigi: Hey, look!

Mario sees the Pulse Stone flashing rapidly.

Mario: ?

Mario looks at the rock and sees a carving on it. Mario decides to put the Stone in the rock. The ground starts to shake and they fall down on the ground.

Luigi: Mario, how many times do I have to tell you not to skip rope with your boots on?

Mario: I’m right here!

Luigi: Oh, sorry.

Dry Dry Ruins soon rises out of the ground and it gets all dark.

Mario: Who turned off the sun?

They just shrug and enter the Ruins. Inside…

Morton: What has just happened, occurred, to our sunken, descended, buried Ruins?

Tutankoopa: Looks like they’re here.

Morton: The pizza man?

Tutankoopa: No! It’s the Mario Bros. plus that fungus Toad.

Morton: Then send out, deploy, ready the men to attack, ambush, destroy, kill, defeat those pests!

Tutankoopa: Ugh, where do we keep the aspirin?

Mario and Co have already dealt with the Mummy Pokies. They see a map of the Ruins.

Mario: This is too hard!

Luigi: Hmm, what are we-

Kooper: You jerks!

Kooper comes up, smelling like soup.

Toad: (disinterested) Oh, it’s you. Thank DAD you are alive, but how?

Kooper: Thanks for the sympathy, jerks. It’s a good thing I took Cross Country in high school.

Mario: We don’t need to know your life’s story Mike. We are trying to find a way out of going through this entire place.

Kooper: Why did I come here? I don’t deserve this. I could have just gone back to Koopa Vi-


While they were talking Toad went out and got out a jackhammer. He starts making a tunnel and the rest follow. Eventually the jackhammer breaks.

Toad: Well at least we got somewhere.

???: Hey you aren’t supposed to get to that room easily! You had to solve a puzzle first. I mean- Leave this place before my Mummies devour your brains and soon after, your SOULS!!!

Luigi: Well this adventure has been fun, but I gots to go!

Luigi tries to run away but a stone block is in his way. Mario sees a huge chest and opens it up. Mario finds the Super Hammer!

Luigi: Hey, what about Luigi?!

Fine. Inside the same chest is another Super Hammer.

Toad: Hey, I want a new hammer too!

Fine! A chest falls on Kooper -oops- and Toad opens it up. He finds the Super Squeaky Hammer. It’s like the normal one except red.

Mario: WOOHOO! I won’t need this anymore!

Mario quickly goes outside and throws away the wooden hammer as hard as he can. Meanwhile in Goomba Village…

Minister: And so today we bear the loss of Goombario, his game ended by Mario squishing him with his hammer.

Just then the coffin that Goombario is in starts to shake. The family gasps and out comes an alive Goombario!

Goombario: Good thing I had that 1-Up!

The minister shrugs and leaves. The family start cheering, then…


The wooden hammer lands on Goombario, ending his game again.

Goompa: I’ll call the minister.

Back at Dry Dry Ruins…

Mario and Co have gotten hopelessly lost in the Ruins and are being swarmed by deranged Buzzy Beetles. They make it into a room with a pit and Luigi decides to check it out. At the bottom he sees another blue block. Luigi decides to hit it this time.

Luigi: How bad could it be?

Mario and Co can hear lightning zapping, see blue flashes, and hear a little girl screaming. Luigi learns Ultra Jump! Luigi goes to join the others.

Mario: Good thing I have another pair of pants for you, Luigi.

Luigi: Th-thanks, M-Mario.

After Luigi gets changed he tells them to check out that pit again.

Kooper: Why?

Luigi: There is a crack in a wall down there! If we break that part of the wall down we could find something good!

They agree and go down the pit. Mario and Luigi take out their hammer and proceed to hit the wall. Eventually though they get tired and sit down.

Mario: *gasp* So much for Super Hammer!

Toad takes out his hammer and hits the wall. CRASH! Crumble. The wall breaks down and the Mario Bros. get up.

Luigi: Uh, we weakened it for you. Now let’s check it out!

They go inside and see a moon-shaped jewel on a pedestal.

Toad: Shiny.

Toad quickly jumps onto the pedestal and grabs it. Suddenly a drop of water hit Toad.

Toad: Is it raining?

Toad turns around and sees a Stone Chomp.

Toad: *gulp…*

Toad runs away as the Chomp tries to bite him. Mario and Luigi take out their hammer and proceed to hit the Chomp. It crumbles into dust.

Mario: Hmm, it must be important if they put security around that jewel. Let’s see if we can find any more.

Again even with a map they get hopelessly lost. So lost that…

Kooper: How the @&%$ did we end up here?!

-they are on the top of the ruins. Mario gets angry and slams his hammer on the ground. Crack. Mario sees the roof is starting to collapse.

Mario: Oh gr-

They fall down as the ceiling starts to collapse, crushing most of the Ruins. They dust themselves off and see they are in the room with the Chain Chop pedestals. They also see the remaining jewels on some rubble.

Mario: Uh, I meant to do all this.

Mario and Luigi grab the remaining jewels and put them into different pedestals. They look at Toad.

Mario: All right, Toad, put it in.

Toad: No, I don’t want to.

Luigi: We’ll make you!

They tackle Toad and get into that cartoon cloud fight. When it settles Toad is on top of the Mario Bros.

Mario: Best two out of three.

However Kooper quickly snatches the jewel out of Toad’s hands and puts it in the correct Chomp statue. The heads start to glow and a flight of stairs is revealed.

Toad: Oh man. By the way, how did you know which jewel went with what Chomp?

Mario: Oh, I just read that sign.

Mario points at a sign with the jewels pointing at a certain Chomp.

Toad: Oh.

They go down the stairs and Mario hits the Heart Box. They see a tunnel but stop.

???: ZZZZZZ- Huh, what? They are almost here?! Uh… Woooooo, leave before you pay the ultimate pri- WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CEILING?!

The gang just shrug and enter the room…

Chapter 13: Battle with Sultan Talks-A-Lot and Tutankoopa

Mario and Co. enter the room and see Morton.

Mario and Co: NOT YOU!!!

Morton: Yes it is I! Morton Koopa Jr, ruler and sultan of all sahara and deserts. You will witness the awesome power of might that is I as we destroy you into nothing but dust, which Father will be pleased of.

Mario: Ok, that’s it!

Mario jumps on Morton! Mario got the first strike!

Mario 15/15
Luigi 13/13
Toad 12/12
Tutankoopa 20/20
Morton 25/30

Mario: Wait, you have more HP than your brother Iggy?

Morton: Enough of this mindless chit-chat! We, the Sultans of Doom, will-

Mario uses Power Jump on Morton. POW!

Tutankoopa: Don’t worry, sir, I’ll help you!

Luigi: What could you possibly do?

Tutankoopa says a spell and makes a giant Chomp appear. It hits the ground and rocks start falling on our heroes. They run around to try to avoid the rocks. Morton takes out his wand and fires geometric shapes at Mario. Mario gets hit and a rock falls on him. Luigi helps his brother up while Toad throws his hammer at Tutankoopa. He gets hit and falls down. He gets back on his feet.

Tutankoopa: Chompy! I summon you! Come on out here and bite this intruder!

A Chomp Chomp comes out and starts going after Toad. Mario gets out his hammer and tries to hit Morton. He puts up his wand in defense but Mario knocks it away. Mario swings his hammer and launches Morton. He collides with Tutankoopa and they both fall down.

Tutankoopa: Get off me!

With Toad, he is still outrunning the Chomp. However Toad trips on a rock and the Chomp gets to him. He starts treating Toad like a chew toy. Luigi comes in and does a Super Jump. The Chomp lets go of Toad and they both hit it with their hammers. The Chomp faints. The Sultans of Doom get up but Mario throws his hammer at Morton. Morton ducks and Tutankoopa ends up getting hit. Tutankoopa gets upset and says another spell. Tutankoopa uses Lightning Orb!

Mario: How the-

Mario gets zapped and gets launched away. The orb is still floating in midair and zapping the ground. Luigi and Toad get out of the way in time. Morton gets his wand back and uses Iggy’s spell.

Morton: Supersize him!

Tutankoopa gets huge but his head hits the basement ceiling.

Morton: Oops.

Tutankoopa shakes it off and starts charging towards them. Luigi and Toad however take out their hammers, aim, and swing horizontally. Tutankoopa gets hit and actually get launched towards Morton. He lands on Morton, squishing him and making him lose his wand. Tutankoopa gets shrunk back to his normal size and Mario uses Power Jump. POW!

Mario 7/15
Luigi 13/13
Toad 6/12
Tutankoopa 8/20
Morton 12/30

Morton: This is not good, great, splendid, spectacular. We are losing, not winning, in the process of being defeated by the faucet face plumbers. Quick, time for drastic measures.

Tutankoopa: You lost me at “is”. Now come, Chompy!

Another Chomp Chomp comes out and Tutankoopa gets out a Mega Mushroom. The Chomp devours it and grows huge.

Chomp: WOOF, WOOF!!!

They get on top of the Chomp Chomp.

Tutankoopa: Attack the intruders!

Instantly the Chomp Chomp goes after Toad.

Toad: Oh dear…

The Dark Prognosticus is now blocking this for the sake of anyone squeamish. The following scenes are uh… messy. Afterwards the Chomp lets out a huge burp and Toad’s hat comes out. Morton and Tutankoopa start laughing. Kooper comes out and looks at the messy Chomp Chomp.

Kooper: What happened to him?

The Chomp Chomp looks at Kooper and starts going after him. Mario gets an idea. Mario uses Hammer Throw. He hits Tutankoopa behind the head and he falls off the Chomp. However he falls into the path of the Chomp.

Tutankoopa: GREAT SWEET-


Tutankoopa faints.

Morton: Uh oh. Better revive, make him wake up, give him HP with my wand- Ping!

Mario uses the last of his FP to use Hammer Throw, and knocks away the wand. Luigi now uses Super Jump on Morton to knock him away from the Chomp. Kooper gets the magic wand and actually shoots a spell at the Chomp! The Chomp loses its defense! Mario and Luigi defeat it easily by jumping on it.

Battle Over! Mario wins= 30 Star Points! Mario + 5 BP.

Mario: That was amazing, Kyle! How did you do that?

Kyle?: Oh, there was some crazy jester visiting Koopa Village once. He was helping to look for a girl, um, Timpani I think. He taught some of us magic and-

Luigi: He is getting away!

It’s true. While they were talking Morton got the Mamar card and fled through a secret passageway. Luigi follows while Mario and Kyle help Toad.

Kyle: I don’t know my name but I’m sure it isn’t Kyle!!!

Luigi sees what looks like a small replica of Morton’s old fortress.

Luigi: Piece of cake!

At a control room…

Morton: Argh! It’s that louse, Luigi. Deploy the Ball ‘n Chain.

Luigi easily clears the Whomps but then sees the conveyer belt with the Ball ‘n Chains. Luigi carefully times his jumps and avoids the Ball ‘n Chains. Morton, looking through a screen, stomps.

Morton: Send out the Thwimps!

Three Thwimps fall down in front of Luigi but he just ignores them and moves on.


He is getting closer. I’ll meet him there then.

Luigi gets to the room with the ledges and just uses his Super Jump to get to the top faster. He sees the red door and goes in.

Morton: So you came, did you Luigi, my father’s arch-nemesis. Prepare to be crushed into mincemeat by the great and mighty Morton Ko-

Luigi jumps on Morton.

Morton: Curses! You will now pay!

Morton takes out his wand and fires geometric shapes. Luigi jumps over them and is about to land on Morton. Morton however jumps straight up at the last second and squishes Luigi. Luigi musters up his strength and does a Super Jump. He gets from underneath Morton, comes back down, and smashes into him.

Morton: You think you’re so strong just because you can jump high! I won’t let you take from me the key to making my dreams of a world full of deserts.

Morton goes up a wall and stops at the ceiling. Morton takes out his wand and starts shooting fireballs. Luigi avoids most of the fireballs but still gets singed. Luigi wall jumps up to him and takes out his hammer in midair. He smashes him onto the floor…and jumps on him. CRASH! Luigi jumped on him too hard and has made him go through the wood floor… where the lava is.

Morton: Hmm, so this is how lava feels. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

He sinks into it and the Star Card appears before Luigi. Luigi grabs onto it just as the fortress starts blowing up. Luigi and the others get transported outside Dry Dry Ruins just as it starts to sink back in…

Mario and Co. have defeated Morton and Tutankoopa! Now Dry Dry Ruins is saved along with Mamar, the second Star Spirit. Now with only 5 more to go, what new challenges lay ahead? Can Mario and Co conquer them? Why do all the enemies fear Mario? Why did Mario have to kill Goombario again? Since when were Goombas smart enough to have a 1-Up with them? Do you remember that Koopa’s name? Because I forgot it. Well, just wait for the next part of the TRUE story.

Read on!

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