The Dark Prognosticus, Chapter 1: Paper Mario, The TRUE Story

By Dimentio


A warm fire, a few cozy chairs, some lamps, and many bookshelves. Yes, it is the Castle Bleck library. In one of the chairs we see Dimentio reading a Paper Mario Strategy Guide.

Dimentio: Tsk tsk nothing but lies, like one of Popple’s store commercials. Oh hello, I didn’t hear you come in. I’m Dimentio… but you knew that. What? What do you mean you haven’t heard of me? Err! Never mind that. I’m sure you are interested in why I say it is a lie. Well take a seat and I’ll tell you why.

He snaps his fingers and The Dark Prognosticus appears. Dimentio puts on reading glasses and also makes a cup of water appear.

Dimentio: As we all know or at least you will know now, Nintendo usually makes games out of adventures Mario and Co. have. However sometimes they bend and twist certain parts of them to fit with the family friendly policy or maybe to make sure the game will sell. I will now tell you the TRUE Paper Mario.

He opens the book…

Chapter 1: The Star Spirits’ Plight

Up in the starry sky is a place called Star Heaven. In Star Heaven is a building called The Star Sanctuary. There live the seven noble Star Spirits, guardians of the Star Rod, which has the power to grant any and all wishes. The Star Spirits grant the wishes of good people and protect the Star Rod from evil. They watch it carefully…very carefully. However, no matter how carefully they watch it, nothing could have prepared them for what happened next. Suddenly a star rushes into the sanctuary.

Star: Star Spirits, we need assistance! Seven Koopas are attacking Star Heaven!

Eldstar: Wait, what?!

Just then Bowser and Kammy Koopa appear. Kammy unleashes a spell and hits all the Star Spirits. The Star Spirits are shocked… in both meanings of the word.

Skolar: NO! Protect the Star Rod!

It is too late. Bowser smashes open the case and gets out the Star Rod.

Bowser: Now let’s see what this baby can do!

He shoots out rays and it hits the Star Spirits. They struggle to fight the power of the Star Rod. Kammy gets an idea and takes out seven playing cards. She says a spell and the cards start sucking up the Star Spirits. One by one they get captured by the cards.

Bowser: That was easy. Koopalings!

Ludwig, Lemmy, Roy, Iggy, Wendy, Morton, and Larry appear in the sanctuary.

Ludwig: I take it the plan was successful?

Bowser: Yes… And now, my children, I give you the biggest responsibility I have given you yet.

He hands each Koopaling a Star Spirit.

Bowser: I entrust you to guard these Star Spirits. Okay?

Koopalings: Yes King Dad!

Bowser: Mario can’t stop us this time! With this Star Rod I… no, WE shall be invisible! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!

The Koopalings and Kammy laugh with him. The Koopalings put their cards away and get on their doomships. Bowser talks to Kammy, then they all leave Star Haven.

Chapter 2: Let’s All Go to the Party!

Parakarry comes over to the Marios’ house with a letter in hand.

Parakarry: Mail call!

The Mario Bros. are still currently sleeping.

Mario: Luigi, tell those lousy kids to shut up.

Luigi: Why don’t you do it?

Parakarry is loosing his patience.

Parakarry: I said mail calllll!

Mario: Shut up!

Parakarry: MAIL CALLLLL!

Mario: That does it!

Being half asleep Mario doesn’t think, and shoots a fireball out the window. It hits Parakarry and he catches on fire. He lets go of the letter and scrambles away, trying to get the fire out. He trips near the edge of the cliff where Mario’s house is and falls off. Mario hears more yelling and decides to confront the “noisy kids”.

Mario: I thought I told you to-

He opens the door and doesn’t see anybody. However he sees a letter on the ground and reads it.

Mario: “Dear Mario and Green Guy, Being so wealthy I have decided to throw a party for no apparent reason. You and the other guy are invited to the party. Bring gifts. Signed Your Girlfriend Princess Peach”. Hmm, I-a have nothing better to-a do. Luigi, wake up-a! Get-a dressed, for we are-a going to a party!

To Mario’s surprise, Luigi comes out of the house already dressed.

Mario: Wow-a. You sure-a fast.

Luigi: No, you meatball! I’d love to-a go to this-a party, but I-a have a date with-a Daisy. Ciao, Bro.

Mario: Okay, ciao.

Mario goes back into the house and Luigi goes down the warp pipe. After getting dressed and getting a present, Mario heads to Peach’s castle. He goes inside and sees a lot of guests have already made it. He walks over to a Toad Retainer.

Mario: I’d like to-a see Peach.

TR: I’m sorry, but she is busy at the moment.

Mario: But I’m her-a boyfriend, Mario!

TR: Yeah, and I’m the famous Zip Toad! Get lost!

Mario turns around but then gets an idea.

Mario: Hey, is that Chuck Norris?

TR: Where?!

He turns around and Mario hits him with his present. The TR gets knocked out and Mario continues. He makes it to the long hallway and sees Toad.

Mario: Excuse me-a, Toad, where is-a Peach?

Toad: Oh, hey Mario! Just continue on down this hallway. She is in her private chambers.

Mario thanks Toad and goes in. As soon as he steps inside he gets slapped in the face.

Mario: OW! What the?!

Peach: I’m trying to figure out which dress I should put on for the party! I thought I told that TR to keep people away!

Mario is not listening at the moment as he is too busy staring. Peach lets out a shriek, slaps Mario again, and puts on her pink dress.

Mario: Uh… Well… Here is your gift.

Mario hands her the gift and she opens it up.


Mario looks and sees a giant rock inside the box.

Mario: That bean with a mask ripped me off! He said that there was a large, valuable rock in there, and I paid him 15 bucks! I thought by rock he meant diamond!

Peach: You idiot! Why didn’t you check before you got it?!

Mario: Well, serves you right after that cake you made me.

Peach: What was wrong with it?

Mario: IT WAS COCONUT!!! I hate coconut! I got burned, shocked, sank in quicksand, blew up, drowned, and fell through bottomless pits just for you to make me a COCONUT CAKE?!

Peach: I guess you deserve it yourself! Every time I’m kidnapped you take your sweet time to rescue me. Why I remember when…

Since those two are arguing they don’t notice that the castle is being lifted into space. Bowser, Kammy, and the Koopalings crash through the window… and see Mario and Peach are brawling. (No, not the game.)

Bowser: Uh… Excuse me? Hello, I’m trying to do my evil plot of kidnapping Peach and finally defeating you, Mario?

Mario sees Bowser and the others. He grabs Peach and hands her to Bowser. Bowser and the others have a shocked look on their faces.

Bowser: Uh… Thanks? Well… Either way I have to do this.

He takes out the Star Rod and zaps Mario. Since he was brawling with Peach he has been weakenedm and gets launched out the window.

Larry: Well… That was even easier.

Bowser: Yep. Kids, go back to your posts.

Koopalings: Right King Dad!

Bowser laughs and they laugh with him… again. Kammy calls the guards.

Kammy: Take the princess to her room.

Koopatrols: Yes ma’am!

Peach looks out the window and sees a speck falling down. The Koopatrols approach her.

Peach: MMMMAAAARRRRIIIIOOOO!!! … Your present stinks!

Chapter 3: The REAL Ally

Mario falls from the star-filled sky. Mario is looking in his pockets to see if he can find anything useful.

Mario: Plumber’s snake, plumber’s helper, meatball sandwich *chomp, gulp*, ah, a Feather!

He gets his magic cape. However just as he is about to fly…he lands on a tree branch. Mario losses the cape in pain, and continues falling down the tree getting smacked by branches. Eventually he reaches the bottom of the tree.

Mario: Can this day get any worst?

On cue the tree falls down on him for no apparent reason. Mario gets flattened by the tree. It rolls away and Mario is knocked out. The Seven Star Spirits appear before the fainted Mario. Mamar and Kalmar inspect him.

Mamar: He has received high damage-

Kalmar: Especially below the belt-

Mamar: But he should be all right.

Muskular: But Bowser has the Star Rod! He is mightier than Mario!

Misstar: Um, it looks like all that damage wasn’t done by Bowser.

Klevar: Uh, I don’t know, maybe that?

Klevar points and they see a tree rolling down a hill and destroying some neighboring villages.

Eldstar: Enough! Everyone, send Mario your power!

Skolar: What power? We barely have any.

Eldstar: Don’t start with me!

They give the little power they have to Mario and leave. Then a young Goomba girl appears in the forest.

Goombaria: Hey, what happened to the tree that has my treehouse?! What the…

She spots Mario and walks towards him. She starts inspecting him.

Goombaria: Hmm… Red cap… Cute little mustache… Red overalls… This must be the famous… Chuck Norris!

Mario suddenly gets up.

Mario: I’m-a Mario, you dolt!

Mario faints and Goombaria runs off screaming.

Goombaria: Help! Help! Prowler!

Goomdad (from distance): Prowler, where?!

A shotgun cocking noise is heard…

Soon Mario is at the inn sleeping. Eldstar appears in the room.

Eldstar: Mario, you must go through Toad Town to Shooting Star Summit. There we, the Seven Star Spirits, must discuss something with you.

Mario: Okay, fine, but leave my dream. Yes, that’s right… Five more minutes ‘til the all you can eat Italian buffet opens…

Suddenly Mario hears the door get slammed, and wakes up. He sees…

Mario: Toad?! How did you get here?! Where are we?! Hey, what happened to my meatball sandwich?!

Toad: I got blown all the way here, we are in Goomba Village, and if it was a meatball sandwich you would have eaten it even in your sleep by now.

Mario burps.

Mario: I had a good dream… until some old star told me to go to Shooting Star Mountain.

Toad: Hmm, maybe you had a vision from one of the Star Spirits, Eldstar.

Goompa enters the room.

Goompa: Ahh, Mario and Toad, so good to see you boys awake. Why don’t you go say hi to everybody?

Mario and Toad walk outside. Mario goes towards the gate. Goomama get in front of him.

Goomama: Hi! I’m-

Mario: Nicetomeetyou.

He moves past her. Goombaria gets in front of Mario.

Goombaria: Hello! I’m-

Mario: Sorry kid, busy.

He jumps over her. Goombario walks up to Mario.

Goombario: What’s up? My name-

Mario: Could care less.

He shoves him aside and gets to the gate.

Goompapa: Ahh, Mario, how do-

Mario: I am in a hurry to get to Toad Town, people!

Kammy: Not so fast!

Mario, Toad, and the Goomba family see Kammy Koopa riding her broomstick.

Goombaria: Daddy, what is that ugly old monster?

Kammy: UGLY?! OLD?! MONSTER?! Why you!

She fires geometric shapes toward Goombaria. However she actually backflips and avoids the spell.

Kammy: Erg. Well Mario, good thing I decided to check if you were really dead. Now to stop you from advancing.

She makes a block appear and drops it on the fence.

Kammy: Ha ha ha! See ya, Mario… Oh wait, I won’t!

Kammy flies away on her broom. Goompapa has a very angry look on his face.

Goomdad: I…just…fixed that…gate. Uh, excuse me.

He goes back into the house and a lot of yelling can be heard. Goombario approaches Mario.

Goombario: Hey Mario, if that block is in your way why don’t you borrow Goompa’s hammer?

Mario: Thanks for the advice, kid.

Toad: I’m hungry so I am going back to the inn to get something to eat.

Mario: All right.

Mario puts on earplugs and enters the house. Mario hears no screaming and sees Goompapa has passed out from yelling so hard. Mario opens the back door… and is standing on no ground. Mario looks down and sees about a mile-long fall.

Mario: @@@%%%&&&-

He falls all the way down. When he lands he sees Goompa and the hammer next to him. Mario helps Goompa up.

Goompa: Oh, thanks Mario. The balcony collapsed when-

Mario: I don’t have time to hear your life’s story, otherwise I’ll be as old as you. Can I borrow *coughhavecough* the hammer?

Goompa: Sure, Mario.

Mario gets the hammer! Mario smashes the block in the path and Mario and Goompa go down the road. They see a bunch of Goombas, Spiky Goombas, and Paragoombas. Goompa goes up to Mario.

Goompa: Be careful, Mario. Those Goombas aren’t friendly.

Mario: Hmm. Not to worry.

He pulls out his hammer and starts swatting away any Goombas that get near them. Eventually they make it back to Goomba Village unharmed. Goombario and Goombaria walk towards them.

Goombario: What happened? We heard screaming but Dad’s knocked out.

Goompa: Ah, don’t worry, sonny. Oh, Mario, stay here I will be right back.

Goompa goes into the house and Toad comes out of the inn.

Toad: Well that was a good meal. Hi Mario. I see you have a cheap wooden hammer.

Mario: Yeah, well this “cheap” hammer just took out about seven Goombas.

Goombario: Wow Mario, you sure are smart. When I grow up I am going to be big and strong like you.

Mario: Yeah well, everybody wants to be like-a me, Mario.

Goombaria: Ooh, do that again!

Mario: Only for the small people. Like-a me, Mario!

Toad: Hmm, I wish I could help you rescue Peach again. I haven’t had any action since Wario’s Woods AND I was supposed to get my paycheck today.

Goompa comes back out holding the Power Jump badge.

Goompa: Sorry it took me awhile. Mario, do you know what a badge is?

Mario: No.

Goompa: Okay, I’ll explain. It all dates back into prehistoric times where people needed a little boost. Suddenly one day ……. magic ……….. helped ………………………………... lost in ………………………………...

1 hour later…

Goompa: And that is how you put on badge.

Mario wakes up and shakes his head.

Goompa: Ah Mario, you are a very good listener.

Goombario: Not only that, but he is brave. I wish I could go on adventures too.

Goompa: Maybe the timing is impeccable. Goombario, you are starting to mature, and so I say go join Mario on his adventure.

Goombario: Yay!

Mario: Wait a minute! Don’t I get a say on this?!

Goompa: No!

Goombario joins the party!

Mario: Oh no! I am not having a no-armed loser to be my partner!

Mario takes out the hammer and squishes him. The whole Goomba family gasps. They look at Mario with angry eyes.

Mario: Oops.

Mario grabs Toad and runs for it. Toad however quickly grabs the Power Jump badge out of Goompa’s um… invisible hands. Someone is looking through the bushes.

???: Hmm, that kid sure knows how to grab things in a hurry, see.

Mario actually jumps over the fence, still holding Toad, and the Goomba family can’t follow due to the block. Mario stops after a while and catches his breath.

Toad: Well I guess I am coming with you, huh?

Toad joins the party!

Mario: Okay, adequate enough.

Toad: Here.

He hands him the Power Jump badge and Mario puts it on.

Mario: Thanks, now let’s-a go!

They go down the path and head towards Toad Town…

Can Mario get to Toad Town? Why is the real Paper Mario a bit…wacky? Who was that behind the bushes? Why did Mario have to squish Goombario? Well maybe there are no real answers to these questions, but stay tuned for the next part of Paper Mario, The TRUE Story!

Read on!

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