Last time on Wario and Waluigi: The Thousand-Year Store…
Wait, no, you’ve already read it. Here’s what’s going on with Random Girl.
Random Girl walks into FACS’s room.
Random Girl: Hiya FACS!
FACS: How did you get in here?
Random Girl: I charmed the door.
FACS: dot dot dot.
Random Girl: So, wanna dance?
FACS: Do you see arms or legs?
Random Girl tears wires out of FACS.
Random Girl: Yup.
And so they dance…
But that’s boring; let’s talk about Wario.
Wario: Burrito?
Waluigi: Broccoli?
Guy with store: Pig butt!
Wario and Waluigi cling to each other for dear life.
Wario: Just update the map!
Pig Butt Guy: GLITZVILLE.
Waluigi: Where’s tha-
Pig Butt Guy: GLITZVILLE. BUY MY GOODS AND EAT THEM TO KNOW WHERE IT IS.
With that, Wario and Waluigi run away. Five hours later, they come back. Wario forces Waluigi to buy a meal.
Pig Butt Guy: It’s in the sky. Now go away.
They do so, and Waluigi sees a blimp from his very high position, then tells Wario.
Wario: Let’s go to Western Rogueport then, stupid!
Zess T: Hey! Don’t you dare step on my-
Squitch…
Wario pushes Zess T. into a conveniently placed trash can, then walks on to the blimp area. Waluigi follows him.
Cheep Cheep: No boarding the plane without a ticket.
Wario: Really?
Cheep Cheep: Yes.
Wario punches the Cheep Cheep, who turns into the Incredible Hulk and smashes Wario into the stairs.
Wario: Where do we get a ticket…?
Cheep Cheep: Back door of the store.
With that, Waluigi heads to the store of Western Rogueport and attempts to move the door, while the Boo there just plays with her bows. Meanwhile, Wario is punching at the Thousand-Year Store’s Door.
Wario: LET ME IN!
Pig Butt Guy: Stupid.
Wario runs away until he crashes into Waluigi, who’s standing as if trying to be intimidating in the entrance to Western Rogueport. He gets trampled, and Wario keeps running until he smashes through the store’s front and back doors. Waluigi follows. However, he’s so thin at the moment that he gets stuck in Rogueport sewers by falling through a grate.
Boo from the store: … What’s your favorite color?
Wario works his way into Don Pianta’s office.
Wario: GIVE ME A TICKET!
Don Pianta gives him a speeding ticket.
Wario: A blimp ticket.
Don Pianta gives him a blimp speeding ticket.
Don Pianta: Pay them and you’re done.
Wario: Hey, where’s your supposedly beautiful daughter? I thought you had one.
Don Pianta: Oh, she eloped. I say good.
Wario: NOOOHOHOHOOOO!
Don Pianta: And to be honest, she was kind of fat…
Wario: Yes!
Don Pianta: Now pay my speeding tickets.
Wario mugs Don Pianta’s bodyguards and gives Don Pianta their money.
Don Pianta: Why thank you. Here’s the blimp ticket, and…
Don Pianta punts Wario out the window. He lands on the grate Waluigi fell through and smashes it.
Wario: … Let’s go again!
Waluigi (under Wario): Let’s not.
Wario throws Waluigi into a pipe that leads out of the sewers. He takes it, and drags Waluigi to the blimp.
Cheep Cheep: Got a ticket for two?
Wario: Eh?
Cheep Cheep: Ticket for two?
Wario smashes the gate on the side of the railroad tracks, bends the railroad tracks themselves, and then gets on the train to turn it on. He runs over the Cheep Cheep, then backs up. He and Waluigi board the blimp.
Waluigi: Yay violence?
Wario: VIOLENCE?! Where?!
They dock at Glitzville. Waluigi starts humming the theme.
Wario: OOH, BIG BUILDING!
He drags Waluigi into the Glitz Pit, then walks up to the arena. Inside, Rawk Hawk is beating the life out of a Koopatrol. It gets taken away on a stretcher. Rawk shows off his champion’s belt.
Wario: Eh? WALUIGI! Crystal Star!
Waluigi: On the champ’s belt? We’re going to have to…
Wario tears through the crowd.
Waluigi: Steal it.
Grubba: Oh, dang! Looks like Rawk Hawk has some diggity dang fans that want to test their strength!
Rawk Hawk: (whispering) Uh, Grubba, this isn’t in the script.
Grubba: (whispering) Yes, but they can’t know that pro wrestling is fake.
Wario punches Rawk Hawk, whose inflatable balloon muscles all pop. The champ’s belt (as well as his pants) falls down, and he runs away. Grubba takes the belt and drags Wario to his office. For once in his life, Waluigi gets to walk.
Grubba: Sign this contract.
Waluigi: DO RE MI FA SO LA-
Grubba: Sign.
Wario sloppily signs the contract.
Wario: So, what’s it for?
Waluigi applies his palm directly to his forehead.
Grubba: You’re fighters here now, and you can’t leave unless I say so.
Wario: We’ll beat you up.
Grubba: Trust me, you won’t succeed.
Grubba punts Wario and Waluigi out of his office, then locks the door. Jolene comes by.
Jolene: You’re going to die.
Wario: Death threat, much?
Jolene: No, Grubba’s just insane. I wanted to do a ridiculously random ploy with you where I send you Emails with creepy music playing in which I speak like a twelve-year-old on a forum, constantly giving you clues that slowly lead us to find out about some evil plan, but no. Grubba’s insane. I’m going to take you to the champion’s room, which is yours, and then you’re going to head through the vent into Grubba’s office.
Wario: Thanks. Waluigi, let’s go. Waluigi?
Meanwhile, Waluigi is outside the Glitz Pit chasing after a multicolored egg.
Hoggle: Bad egg! Bad egg!
Waluigi: Come on!
Egg: …
The egg jumps on top of Hoggle’s stand. But Waluigi is tall enough to grab it, and snatches it.
Hoggle: So, what do you plan to do with
that?
>Take the poor thing with me.
>Let there be hot dogs!
Waluigi: Well, of course, the only choice that’ll make sense is…
Wario barges out.
Wario: Let there be hot dogs!
Hoggle turns into a crime-fighting robot, then snatches the egg, shoots lasers at it, and cracks it open over a hot dog.
Hoggle: Thank you.
Waluigi: …Nice.
Wario: No. Mean. TO THE CHAMPION’S ROOM!
Wario drags Waluigi to the champion’s room.
Waluigi: So, we break the vent?
Wario: Yup.
Waluigi: Do it.
Wario: I’m busy.
Waluigi: With what?
Wario is trying desperately to get the champ’s belt on, but he’s too fat. He finally gets it on by using duct tape. He then climbs up to the vent and smashes it. Waluigi follows, then spontaneously gets dragged through the vent. Wario breaks it on the other side and hops into Grubba’s office.
Wario: You’re insane?
Grubba: So?
Waluigi: We know what you did to Bandy Andy!
Wario and Grubba: Who?
Waluigi: Whoops. Never mind.
Grubba: All right, I’m insane, and I’ve been draining power out of fighters for decades!
Waluigi: We just knew you were insane.
Grubba: Dang. Eep!
Grubba runs away into the ring. Wario and Waluigi follow.
Waluigi: Prepare to meet your maker!
Wario: Yeah, yeah. His name is Shigeru. Get new jokes!
Meanwhile, Grubba has summoned a big machine holding the real Crystal Star, and entered it.
Waluigi: Eep?
Wario: It’s shiny!
Everything goes white and Grubba becomes orange, totally ripped, and significantly larger. Actually, he’s quite big at the moment. Come to think of it, he’s so big that he accidentally breaks the machine.
Macho Grubba: I’m gonna smack ya fer that one!
Waluigi: Go ahead and try!
Macho Grubba throws Wario out of the ring, but Waluigi jumps onto his face. Macho Grubba burps and Waluigi flies off. Wario then climbs back in and punches him. Macho Grubba kicks him away. Things go like this for the next hour or so.
Wario: He can’t be beat!
Waluigi: Is this even possible?
Macho Grubba: No.
Macho Grubba gives himself more turns, which is useless at the moment, when randomly, Wario’s belt flies off of his waste and into Macho Grubba’s eye. He starts to hop around on one foot, and Wario throws Waluigi at the behemoth’s head. He falls over into the area where people view the matches, then smashes it, getting KO’d.
Waluigi: Your fattitude saved us.
Wario: Indeed it did.
Jolene comes in.
Jolene: Yay. Finally one of the random people who came in beat this guy. Now I can harness the power of the Crystal Star!
Wario: Really?
Jolene: Nah. Let’s just pretend I have a sad backstory involving a stupid brother who got himself killed, okay?
She goes to get the Crystal Star, then throws it at Waluigi. Wario grabs it.
Wario: I can’t believe we got two Crystal Stars!
Jolene: The one on the belt was fake.
Wario: Rage.
And so they live happily ever after… except for Grubba. He has a concussion. Oh, and Wario still doesn’t have Random Girl OR a burrito.