The camera zooms in on a crummy port town with some random girl talking to a guy with a make-your-own-burrito stand.
Guy: I’m sorry, we don’t have low fat!
Random Girl: Fine, I’ll take a burrito, then.
Guy: Okay. Err… Wait.
Random Girl: What?
Guy: Well, I only have one tortilla, but it’s folded, so you can’t put anything in it. Oh, right, and… Line?
I thought I put your lines on that tan-colored piece of circular paper.
Guy: I mistook it for a tortilla!
Fine. *whisper whisper*
Guy: Only someone with a pure heart can open it.
Random Girl: Really?
Guy: No, I just spend all my time eating burritos, so I don’t have the strength to open it.
Random Girl: So is that what smells? Oh, well.
She opens the tortilla, and everything begins to shine.
MEANWHILE AT WARIO’S HOUSE…
Parakarry: MAIL CALL!
Waluigi comes out and takes the letter from Parakarry before Wario releases the Chain Chomps. Of course, he doesn’t get into the house by the time Wario releases the Chain Chomps, but that’s another story.
Waluigi: OW! Ow! Oooh, that one felt good. OW!
Wario: What’d you get?
Waluigi: Several bite marks on my legs.
Wario: … The letter, moron.
Waluigi: Oh. It’s from a girl named Random Girl. Do you know her?
Wario: Oh, yeah. I met her on the beach yesterday. Oh, right, how do you feel about being an uncle?
Waluigi: Huh? But nephews scare me! And haven’t you seen all the scary movies where children are easily corrupted by spirits slash demons?
Wario: Oh, shut up and read the letter.
Waluigi: Oh, yeah. Random Girl wants you to come to Rogueport and go on a legendary treasure hunt. There’s also a map on the back of th-
Wario already has a giant treasure-carrying sack ready.
Wario: Waluigi, where’s the closest dock?
Waluigi: Toad Town.
Wario: IT’S A RHETORICAL QUESTION!
So they go to Toad Town Harbor and get on a boat to Toad Town.
Boat Driver: Let me tell you a story about my seafaring days!
Wario: Ugh.
Several minutes pass.
Boat Driver: And I was like “Oh no you didn’t!” and she was like “Oh yes I did!” And then I was like “Oh no you didn’t!” And then she was like…
Several hours pass.
Boat Driver: And I was like “Oh no you didn’t!” and she was like “Oh yes I did!” And then I was like “Oh no you didn’t!” And then she was like…
Several days pass.
Boat Driver: And then I was like “Oh no you didn’t!” And she was like “Oh yes I did!”
Wario: And I was like “Is the boat even moving?” And you were like, BEING A MORON.
Boat Driver: Oh no you didn’t!
Waluigi: We’ve been docked at Rogueport for two days, you know.
Wario: Oh. Good.
Wario and Waluigi hop off the boat to see some girl Goomba being interrogated by some jerk with a weird uniform.
Goombella: I said I’m not telling a creep like you!
Lord Crump: Oh no you didn’t!
Goombella: Oh yes I did!
Waluigi: Hey, maybe we should help that girl there with that fat creepy dude.
Wario: Why should we?
Waluigi: Rhetorical question?
Wario: You’ve done well.
Meanwhile, Goombella dies of dehydration because the argument lasted three days. As for Lord Crump, he drinks plenty of water. Yup.
Wario: So where to, Waluigi?
Waluigi: Actually, it’s just a blank map of the area.
Wario: So where’s Random Girl?
Waluigi: More than likely, kidnapped.
Wario: Ah. Let’s go into random houses until someone knows something.
They do so.
Merlon: Go away.
Rowf: How did you get into my house? I lost the key! Wait, how did I get here?
Podley: Sorry, I’m just a minor character.
Innkeeper: Innkeepers haven’t been useful since Super Mario RPG!
Shopkeeper: Innkeepers are lucky, I’ll give you that.
Professor Frankly: HUMMINA HOBBITY HOOBITA HUBBLY DIBBITY DUBBITY DABBITY WOAH! WOAH! You have the magical map!
Wario: I see.
Professor Frankly: If you take it to the Thousand-Year Store, they’ll tell you where you go next to get the rest of the Crystal Stars, according to legend. If you get all of these Crystal Stars, you can exchange them for a fabulous prize!
Sound Effects Person: Oooooh!
Frankly: But the Crystal Stars are very difficult to get, and no one even knows where the Thousand-Year Store is. Except for a few people who live underground.
Waluigi: Is there any chance that they know where it is because it’s underground too?
Frankly: BRILLIANCE!
Wario: More like stupidity.
Frankly: All we have to do is go outside, and into the sewers!
They go outside, and see a pipe on the other side of a fence.
Frankly: WAIT!
Wario trips.
Wario: WHAT?!
Frankly: Do you know about action commands?
Wario: Duh!
Frankly: … Are you sure? This is really impo- OW!
They go into the sewers. Frankly has trouble due to the thickness of the massive lump on his head.
Wario: We’re here, now what?
Frankly: Well, we have to go down some stairs, then up some, we’ll be challenged by Goombas, and we’ll hop onto a platform that will move us to the pipe that’s on our side of the stairs but blocked by iron bars.
Wario bends the bars.
Frankly: Or try that.
Everyone ends up in a hard to explain room with a cliff on one end that Wario can’t jump over, and a staircase on the other end with a door at the top along with a strange platform.
Wario: It looks like we go through that door to get a new power-up that allows us to use that platform to get up the cliff… But who has the time?
He uses Waluigi as a rope to climb up the cliff. Meanwhile, Frankly is mauled by Spinias. Then, Wario finds…
Wario: This looks like a crummy flee market!
Burrito-Selling Guy: Shut up! I know you have the map, so here’s the deal. You have to answer a question to find out where the Crystal Star is.
Waluigi: We can do that!
Burrito-Selling Guy: Good! I’m the one who receives your Diamond Star once you get all of them, so when you answer this, I’ll tell you where the Diamond Star is, got it? Now, what does this place look like?
He flips over the card he happens to be reading off of.
Burrito-Selling Guy: Oh. A crummy flee market. Well then. You’re supposed to go to Petal Meadows, where there’s a castle that has the Diamond Star. Now, would you like to buy a burrito?
Waluigi: No!
Wario: Yes!
Wario begins making the greasiest, most fattening burrito to ever graze the planet.
What will happen? Will Wario find the first Crystal Star? Will Waluigi get more lines? Will a simple tortilla be able to hold Wario’s entire burrito? And what about Koops? Will he ever be Wario’s partner? Unlike in other Fun Fiction, all of these questions WILL be answered in the next chapter!
CHAPTER 1: CHEW YOUR FOOD
Wario: HYUUURRRRGH!
Waluigi: … It’s not going to fit.
Wario tears the tortilla.
Wario: Can I get another tortilla?
Burrito Guy: When you get the next Crystal Star…
Wario: COME, WALUIGI!
Wario drags Waluigi to a flooded sewer room with a tentacle coming out of the water. A pipe to Petalburg is visible far away.
Waluigi: It looks like the thing with that tentacle is keeping us from going to the pipe.
Wario: That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard. But still, I like hitting things. Gimme the hammer!
Waluigi: … I thought you had it.
Beldamio: RRRRRGH! Waluigian! You’re in for some EXTREME punishment when we get home!
Waluigi: … Wut.
Wario then turns Waluigi’s head ninety degrees and proceeds to use him as a sledgehammer.
Blooper: BLOOOOOP! YOU! DID YOU HIT MY TENTACLE?!
Waluigi: N-
Wario: Well, DUH! Want to make something of it?
Blooper: Ooh, I like a person who’s honest. Here, go to Petalburg. (I hope he gets eaten by the dragon…)
Waluigi: Thank y-
Wario: Good.
They go to Petal Meadows out of the pipe that the Blooper lifts them too, and see a dragon in the sky.
Waluigi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Wario: Pathetic.
Waluigi: Are you really that brave?
Wario: I was talking about this flowery %&%$ paradise.
Waluigi: … Ah.
Wario: Pathetic.
Waluigi: Now what?
Wario: You screamed.
Waluigi collapses onto the floor in a split second, and gets back up.
Waluigi: So, do we go to this “Petalburg”?
Wario: Yeah, sure. Whatever. I saved some of the beans from my burrito, by the way.
Waluigi: How is that significant?
… And now a message from our sponsors.
Our Sponsors: A word.
… And back to the story.
Waluigi is flying through the air with a trail of yellow gas behind him, with Wario surfing on his back. They then crash into Petalburg.
Wario: WHOOHOO!
Waluigi (crushed by Wario): OOHOOOOH… THE PAIN!
Mayor Kroop: Witches! Witches fell from the sky!
Koopas that aren’t senile: Shut up!
Mayor Kroop: But Teacher, all I said was that homework is a giant sack of Q$%^!^!%@^!%$@!^@!
Wario tayzers Kroop.
Koopas that aren’t senile: Hooray! Hey, can you kill this giant dragon?
Waluigi: (very quickly to avoid Wario answering first): NO!
Koopas that aren’t senile: Oh no you didn’t!
Waluigi: Oh yes I-
Wario: No, we didn’t. Waluigi, let’s go past the town gate.
Waluigi: But I could’ve sworn we saw the castle on our way here.
Wario: Yes, but it was on a cliff, and I’m out of beans.
Random Senile Koopa: I have beans!
He holds out a cup.
Random Senile Koopa: Oh, by the way, my niece Koopie Koo has a crush on Koops!
He spills the beans. Waluigi thinks about the convenient pun made, while Wario shoves them down his throat.
Koops: HEY, WAIT, DON’T GO YET, I WANT TO JOIN YOU.
Waluigi’s stomach begins to gurgle.
Wario: Who am I?
Koops: Wario.
Wario: Then no.
Koops: The great almighty Wario?
Wario: You forgot king, but okay.
He grabs Koops, and hops onto the apparently beantose intolerant Waluigi.
Waluigi: So why did you- urrrrggg… bring that Koopa along?
Wario: He complimented me.
Koops: The great Wario is awesome!
Waluigi attempts to apply his palm directly to his forehead, but the wall of Hooktail’s castle beats him to it.
Wario: Where are we?
Koops: Dad!
Waluigi: Your dad got eaten?
Koops: No, he ran away from my mom when he found some Koopa who doesn’t always seem to have her shell on.
Wario: So you’re random?
Koops: No, my imaginary friend is random.
What’s that? Oh, Jonathon wants to know if you found a red pickle in your
mailbox last Tuesday.
Wario: … Your imaginary friend is a
genius.
Waluigi: It’s almost scary.
Red Bones: I’M BORED, HERE.
Wario turns Waluigi into a hammer again, and bashes Red Bones.
Wario: We’re trying to have a conversation!
Waluigi: How do you expect my skull to be harder than his?
Wario: It’s pink. Therefore, it is weak.
Koops: Can we fight Hooktail now?
Wario: Yeah, sure, whatever.
They enter a room with several switches.
Koops: Oh! I know if you hit those switches, a block goes up!
Wario hops onto one of the blocks using Waluigi as a ladder, and throws Koops at a block. He continues doing this until they reach a bridge leading to a big tower.
Koops: I bet Hooktail lives in there!
Waluigi: You bet!
They go in, and realize it’s just the guest room. They turn around to the other wing of the castle, and go up a winding staircase. It’s a shame there are no invisible walls to keep them from doing something so stupid.
Wario: Is that it?
Hooktail is a dragonfly.
Waluigi: Even I’m not afraid of that.
Koops: Hey, who wants to hear a story?
Waluigi: Now w-
Wario: Anything for someone who thinks I’m great and awesome!
Koops: In this Donkey Kong videogame, on the second boss, there’s a really small, pathetic dragonfly.
Wario: WHAAAAHAHAHAH!
Waluigi: … That’s not funny.
Koops: And then, Diddy Kong kills the dragonfly easily.
Wario laughs, and rolls over the dragonfly, killing it.
Koops: But then, this HUGE, fire-breathing dragon appears and is apparently the thing’s mother.
Wario: WHAAAAHAHA… HUH?!
A huge, fire-breathing dragon that’s apparently the thing’s mother comes onto the scene.
Hooktail: YOU KILLED MY BABY!
Wario and Waluigi: (pointing at Koops) He did it.
Hooktail: GRAH!
Hooktail swallows Koops whole.
Wario and Waluigi: Are we good to go?
Hooktail: No. I saw you roll over my *cough* ki- *hack, wheeze*
Waluigi: What’s a ki- KUGH! HKK! HHHK!
Hooktail flips over onto her back and starts flailing around.
Wario: Hey, Waluigi, do you remember what it means when someone’s hands are over their throat?
Waluigi: I think it means they have an uncomfortable rash.
Wario: Well, we can just ignore it then.
Hooktail: (WHY DOESN’T ANYONE KNOW THE HEIMLICH?!)
While Waluigi and Wario look for a clock, Hooktail hacks out Koops, who goes out the window, and then the Diamond Star, which Wario uses Waluigi as a lasso for to keep it from sharing Koops’s fate.
Wario: Wawio got-
Waluigi: And Waweegee!
Waluigi is pounded by Wario.
Wario: The Crystal Star! Whaaahahahah! WHAAAAHAHAHAH!
Waluigi: Owwie!
MEANWHILE ON THE MOON…
Grodus is talking to two grunts who are holding Random Girl’s hands behind her back.
Grodus: So, you’re saying we need to find the Thousand-Year Floor, and put the Mistral Cars somewhere?
Grunts: Yup!
Grodus: Good. My plan shall be simple.
Other Grunt: Grodus, Sir, Dude, Robot, Freak, Cyborg sir! A fat guy with a mustache has been reported to have found the first Mistral Car!
Random Girl: Wario!
Grodus: You know this person?
Random Girl: Yeah, he sweet-talked me at the beach yesterday while showing off his fat. Err… ”muscles”. He was really hairy…
Grodus: Hairy and fat? He’s nothing to worry about. GUARDS, TAKE THE GIRL TO HER ROOM.
Random Girl is taken to her room. She goes into her private bathroom to go take a shower, but she realizes that there’s a camera in the room. Not wanting some idiotic central computer system to fall in love with her, she instead tears out the sink and used it as a battering ram to get out of her room in order to keep a somewhat key plot point going. She rams all the way down the hallway until she sees a computer.
Random Girl: Why is there a computer there?
Computer: Computer? I am the perfect comput-
Random Girl: But every time I go to church, I hear that only Grambi and his family are per-
Computer: -er, FACS.
Random Girl: Don’t you mean TEC?
FACS: You’re getting your middle school electives mixed up.
Random Girl: Ah. What does it stand for anyways?
FACS: In middle school, it’s Family and Consumer Sciences. My name stands for Failurific and Cocky Servant.
Random Girl: Oh. Can I send Wario an Email?
FACS: Does he have a Mailbox SP?
Random Girl: Mailbox DS.
FACS: Aww, moving ahead to the next generation? Next thing you know, I, the great FACS, will be only a measly classroom computer. Of course, I’m far too advanced.
Random Girl: Ooookay.
She begins to type her Email.
MEANWHILE IN DARK LAND…
Guard: All right, Bowser, the esteemed crusty hag Kammy Koopa should be showing up some time soon. Oh, and your kids are supposed to come, too.
Bowser: I have kids?
Guard: You put them in the dungeon for failing you in Dinosaur Land, remember?
Bowser: Oh. Right. Them. Yeah. All right, Larry goes to the obligatory Grass Place, or maybe a forest; Roy goes to the convenient battle arena in the sky; Morton can get stuck with the emo dark Twilight Zone place; Wendy gets to go to the tropical island, because if I don’t let her, she’ll kill me; Iggy gets to go to the really relaxed area; Lemmy goes in the ice village; and Ludwig goes into the technological paradise.
Guard: You… know me so well.