Chapter 1-11: Launch Break
Without their beloved RV, Luigi and his friends sadly walk toward the town up ahead, which they would’ve totally missed had it not been for the giant rocket in the back.
Merlon: I’ve never even been in your RV so stop complaining so much!
Bombette: Shut up, you’re just an optional character!
Petey: Aren’t you?
Bombette: … Oh yeah…
Everyone enters town.
Luigi: WOAH! LOOK AT THAT GIANT ROCKET!
Daisy: You didn’t notice? I thought that was the reason we were even going in!
Luigi: No, I was just looking for a place with free Wi-Fi.
Daisy: And you think this place has any?
Luigi: Why not? They have a giant rocket! Surely they’d be advanced enough!
Daisy: But you didn’t know about the rocket!
Luigi: What rocket? WOAH! A GIANT ROCKET!
Daisy: … Yes. Yes it is.
P.T.: Hooray! I’m not the idiot for once!
Luigi: Okay, whatever, people, let’s just look for Dimentio.
The party head into the inn/bar.
Luigi: Has anyone seen a purple and yellow clown around here lately?
Podley: No sir. No sir I did not.
Luigi: You owe me five seconds of my life.
They all head back outside.
Shy Guy: You guys hear about Captain G?
Vivian: Who’s that?
Wario: Does he have treasure?!
Shy Guy: Not that kind of captain. He was the pilot when Koopa had that space program going on. But then something happened and now he’s just a cranky old man.
Luigi: Wario, do you have ANOTHER crazy-eyed friend you need to tell us about?
Wario: Shut up!
Luigi: Where is Captain G?
Shy Guy: He’s dead.
Luigi: Huh? But-
Shy Guy: Oh, so just because an NPC talks about a mysterious person, you suddenly think you get to meet them?! Nah, just kidding, he lives in the house closest to the rocket.
Luigi: What rocket?
Daisy: Thanks, we’ll take it from here.
Daisy and Merlon lead Luigi to the house in front of the rocket.
Merlon: Now what? Why do we need to meet Captain G?
Luigi: He might know something about Dimentio. Now he may say no, so three of us should be enough to convince him. The rest of you just wait outside.
Luigi, Daisy, and Merlon go inside.
Petey: Well this is familiar. Hey, a penny!
Wario: MINE!
Inside no one is home so they go to the back yard, where not only is there the rocket but also a big Goonie. And it’s metal.
Luigi: (reading the wing) “Metal Goonie”. How imaginative. I see it’s owned by Koopa.
On the other wing you can see the words “Property of Koopa”. Outside steps Toadette.
Toadette: What are you guys doing near the Metal Goonie?
Merlon: We weren’t going to steal it, if that’s what you’re thinking!
Luigi: … Smooth.
Merlon: Thank you.
Luigi: …
Toadette: You don’t need to steal it, you can just ask the Captain for it. He’s over by the rocket.
Luigi: What r-
Daisy covers his mouth.
Daisy: Preemptive strike on the lame joke!
Toadette: I just came back from the item shop… I take it those weird guys outside are with you three?
Luigi: … How weird?
Toadette: Well one was fat and beating up a giant plant for a penny.
Luigi: Yep, they’re with us. I’m Luigi S. Mario.
Daisy: I’m Daisy Sarasa.
Merlon: I’m Merlon.
Toadette: I’m Toadette. So you’re not with Koopa? I thought you were the guys they were sending to restart the space program. I heard President Koopa II was coming.
Merlon: Who?
Luigi: Bowser Jr.
Merlon: Bowser died?
Toadette: Were you under a rock lately?
Merlon: More like the lid of a coffin.
Toadette: …
Luigi and the others head out of the front of the house and head over to the rocket.
Petey: Guys. can you leave me a Shroom Shake or something? Wario’s getting brutal.
Luigi: Deal with it.
The three enter the rocket to find Captain G.
Luigi: Captain G, I presume?
Captain G.: No ****!
Luigi: Toad? And you’re making up your own swears?
Captain G.: **** no! My name is Elvin. Elvin Gadd. And I have no time for a dang group of ***** ***** *****!
Luigi: … Some of those weren’t even bad words! You just got careless with the bleep button!
Elvin: So I’m lazy! Sue me!
Merlon: Wow, your first line without a bleep.
Elvin: Big freakin’ deal! Now get offa my rocket!
Luigi: Well someone missed his naptime… Can we borrow your Metal Goonie?
Elvin: ****! You just freakin’ barge into my dang rocket and ask for my dang airplane and think I’ll just say “**** yeah! Here ya go!” and then we can all have tea?!
Luigi: … So that’s a no?
Daisy: … So what’s this about President Koopa Junior coming?
Elvin: Ah! The president cancelled the space program, but his son! He’s got brains! He realizes how freakin’ valuable it is!
Luigi: So why is this called Rocketbase Village?
Elvin: … You’re messing with me, right? Because it’s a village at the base of a dang rocket!
Luigi: What rocket?
Elvin: *****************************************************************!!!
Luigi/Daisy/Merlon: 0_0
Merlon: … That was uncalled for.
Elvin: See, long ago Koopa made weapons before it was all about Garlic. They eventually built a rocket and had ideas to send a man in it to space for the very first time! … Ignoring the fact that there was already some lady that was playing mama to a bunch of fat little stars up there, but that’s beside the point!
Luigi: Sure it is…
Elvin: Shut the **** up! And since I was the best pilot, proven by my exploits on the Metal Goonie and Koopa Cruiser, I was gonna go into freakin’ space! … But then freakin’ Toadette messed it all up for me! ***********!
Luigi: Stop making up your own bad words out of thin air! You haven’t even said an ACTUAL swear, you’re just making up words and acting like you were!
Elvin: Part of my anger management. Anyway, after that they got tired of space and cancelled the program, and now I never got to go to freakin’ space!
Elvin bangs his head on the wall in anger, slowly and repeatedly. Luigi tries to pat his shoulder.
Luigi: There… there?
Elvin: Get that ***** hand offa me! I’m not a kid! And you know the worst part?! That’s my dang house under us! The rocket’s gonna ********* tip over and crush it one of these days and I can’t find a better place to live!
Luigi: Okay… Let’s go, guys…
The three leave the rocket and enter the house again.
Petey: PLEASE!
Luigi: No!
Bombette: I think he actually might die.
Luigi: Too bad!
They go inside.
P.T.: I call his DS!
Vivian/Bombette: …
Inside…
Toadette: What’s up?
Luigi: He said no.
Elvin walks in.
Elvin: Who are all these ***** outside?!
Daisy: Never mind them.
Elvin: WHY DIDN’T YOU SERVE THEM THEIR ********** TEA?!
Daisy: You really care that much?
Elvin: I’m a Teaist! I must drink tea seven times a day and encourage other people to do so as well!
Merlon: That’s not weird…
Luigi: I’m not thirsty-
Elvin: YOU WILL DRINK TEA AND YOU WILL LIKE IT! I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON YOU UNTIL TEA IS COMING OUT YOUR EARS!!!
Luigi: You know guys, I don’t think we need a plane THAT badly, maybe we should just leave-
Elvin: TEA!!! MUST DRINK TEA!!!
Daisy: … Toadette, I think your friend here is broken.
Toadette: Oh, he always gets like this when he hasn’t had tea in two hours.
Elvin: Aet! Aet knird! Won ti knird! (Tea! Drink Tea! Drink it now!)
Merlon: He’s freaking me out…
Elvin pulls out a syringe and injects tea into his arm.
Elvin: That’s better…
Luigi/Daisy/Merlon: 0_0
Elvin: I’m gonna check on the Metal Goonie. Meanwhile, you give them their freakin’ tea! TEA!
Elvin goes out back.
Luigi: I bet his bathtub is filled with tea.
Toadette: Actually he’s rearranged all the water pipes so we don’t get water anymore. It’s all tea now.
Daisy: I think he needs to see someone…
Luigi: All right, enough with the tea jokes! Why is he so mad at you about the rocket that I still have yet to see?
Merlon: This chapter’s just one big ball of lame recurring jokes, isn’t it?
Toadette: Well…
FLASHBACK!
Elvin is showing Toadette the inside of the rocket.
Elvin: And this is the room where if you stay in here during takeoff you’ll die. Next stop on the tour, the bathroom.
Toadette follows him and drops her wallet. Later Elvin walks into the cockpit.
Koopa Pilots: Okay, we’re good to go!
Elvin: About freaking time! Let’s launch this *******!
Elvin sets up the launch. Meanwhile Toadette sneaks into the room with her wallet to retrieve it. Koopa Pilot #1 notices.
Koopa Pilot #1: Uh, sir?
Elvin: What is it, Johnson’s brother named Johnson?
Johnson’s brother Johnson: There’s some pink Mushroom thing in the Potential Death Room. They’ll die if we launch.
Koopa Pilot #2: Why DID we install that room, anyway?
Elvin: … **************!!!
Koopa Pilot #3: Are you okay?!
Elvin: Well it’s either we go into space and vaporize Toadette, or we spare her and lose all our progress!
Voice on the intercom: Yo people, this is the Spooky Speedster, your local friendly pointless character in the story, and I’m here to say we’re about to begin the launch!
Elvin: OH COME ON!
Spooky Speedster’s voice: LAUNCHING IN THREE…
Elvin: …
Voice: TWO…
Elvin: …
Voice: ONE!
Elvin: ****!
Elvin presses the abort button. The rocket stops.
Koopa Pilot #2: We’re proud of-
Elvin: Shut up… I need some tea…
END FLASHBACK!
Toadette: …
Luigi: Wow. It IS your fault!
Toadette: Shut up! So now I’m his personal slave to serve tea and clean and whatnot.
Merlon: Why was he even showing you the rocket?
Toadette: I was filming for a video I was gonna post online.
Daisy: I can’t tell if that man’s a good one or not.
Toadette: He is. Though he does seem to enjoy scaring kids whenever it’s his turn to be the Mall Santa.
Elvin walks in.
Elvin: WERE YOU HAVING A FLASHBACK INSTEAD OF SERVING TEA?! THAT’S IT! DOUBLE PORTIONS FOR ALL OF YOU!
Elvin throws Ziploc bags full of tea at the party.
Elvin: Hold on, I’ll get some for your ******** friends outside!
Luigi: No! We’re not thirsty!
Elvin: What if you get thirsty later?!
Luigi: I’ll get over it.
Daisy: Really, Mr. Gadd-
Elvin: CAPTAIN GADD!
Luigi: MAMA LUIGI!
Everyone: …
Luigi: Yeah, that wasn’t funny.
Someone knocks on the door. Elvin answers. It’s Lord Crump!
Elvin: Who the **** are you?!
Lord Crump: I’m Lord Crump, the Koopa executive in charge of the space program, and that’s the way, buh-huh buh-huh, I like it.
Elvin: … Get the **** off my lawn! You can go join the Carnival of Shame over there!
Elvin points over to the rest of Luigi’s party. Wario is still beating Petey, P.T. is eagerly watching, so is Bombette by this point, and now Vivian is sitting off by herself thinking along the lines of “Why am I with these people?”. Lord Crump barges into the house.
Elvin: Well, while you’re here you might as well have some tea… I’ll get a bag.
Lord Crump: I see your obsession has gotten worse.
Elvin: I see you’re still fat.
Lord Crump: …
Elvin: So where’s President Koopa Junior?
Lord Crump: He should be right outside now.
Elvin goes out to talk to him.
Lord Crump: Was there just a flashback in here? I can smell when those happen.
Merlon: This village is beyond weird now.
Luigi goes outside to see what’s going on.
Luigi: … Guys! Focus!
Wario/Vivian/Petey/Bombette/P.T.: Huh?
Luigi: Bowser Jr. is here talking to that man – he’s Captain Elvin Gadd, by the way – and you’re in your own little world!
Wario: What do we do?
Luigi: I don’t know! Just stay sharp!
Meanwhile…
Elvin: What do you mean you’re not gonna start the space program?!
Junior: Just that. I never even mentioned the space program. I don’t know where you got the idea. That was a stupid idea. Going into space... My dad was right about something.
Elvin: (****.)
Junior: We need the Metal Goonie. Even though I have countless other ships, I want that one. Because I’m the richest person in the world so I can do that. We’re after Dimentio.
Elvin: That ***** that died? Don’t care! You turtle-nothings are taking too many things away from me! I have rights!
Junior: Actually you don’t.
Elvin: ****!
Junior: You’re not even saying real swear words, you’re just making words up! And it doesn’t matter anyway because we paid for the stuff you needed to build that plane, so technically WE own it! I shouldn’t even be asking you! I’m just being polite! You WILL be handing it over!
Elvin: **** no!
Toadette drags Luigi inside.
Toadette: Quick, take the Metal Goonie while they’re distracted! Lord Crump is trying to take it but he shouldn’t be a problem.
Luigi: Okay. C’mon, guys!
The three go out back to find Lord Crump and the plane.
Luigi: Okay Crump, hand it over.
Crump: Buh-huh! No way! CRUMP-A-BOMB!
Crump jumps off from sitting atop the plane, and lands on Luigi.
Luigi: OW!
Daisy tries to punch Crump but his fat absorbs it.
Crump: Buh-huh-huh! My Absorbing Suit works!
Daisy: I thought it was your fat.
Crump: … There are elements of both.
Merlon holds his rifle to Crump’s head.
Merlon: We’ll be taking this plane now. All right?
Crump: YIKES! OKAY!
Crump runs away and off of Luigi. He runs and hops over the fence and into the street.
Crump: But this isn’t the last you’ve seen of m-
Crump gets run over by a giant Mii on a Bullet Bike.
Mii T.: Did I just hit something?
Crump: Ow…
He’s then hit with lightning, knocked over with a POW Block, inked by a Blooper, hit with a Green Shell, then a Red Shell, and then a Spiny Shell, and finally knocked away by a Banzai Bill.
Daisy: 0_0
Merlon: … That’s the kind of hurt that don’t go away.
Luigi gets up.
Luigi: Ow… Quick! The Metal Goonie!
Everyone gets onboard and it starts to take off.
Luigi/Daisy/Merlon: AAAHHHH!!!
It flies around the house and is about to ram the party members.
Luigi: GUYS! GET ON!
Everyone notices and grabs onto the Metal Goonie as it flies by. It passes Bowser Jr. and Elvin. Elvin starts to chase it.
Elvin: Wait! Take me with you! I hate this place!
Elvin catches up and grabs onto the Metal Goonie with everyone else.
Junior: My plane! Fire!
The two Koopatrols that came out of nowhere start shooting lasers at the Metal Goonie until it crashes and lands on the surface of the ocean…
Elvin: ****! My Metal Goonie! She can’t fly now! It’s almost as if they did take her!
Luigi: It’s a girl plane?
Bombette: Who is this guy, anyway?
Luigi: I told you, he’s Captain G.! Elvin Gadd! And now he’s gonna be joining our party!
Elvin: What?! Since when?!
Luigi: Since you got on this plane with us!
Elvin: … ****… Fine…
Luigi: So… can we at least use it as some kind of boat?
Elvin: … I guess… So what are we doing again?
Luigi: In addition to one day stopping Koopa, we’re going after Dimentio.
Elvin: Okay…
Elvin pulls out his weapon of choice– a spear.
Luigi: WOAH! How long have you had that?!
Elvin: The whole time.
Luigi: Oh…
Merlon: Can we just leave? I hate this town now! No offense. Elvin. but it’s just too weird!
Elvin: I understand. I heard Junior thought that Dimentio was at the Temple of Significance.
Vivian: That sounds like a place he’d be. Let’s see if anyone knows anything about it.
Luigi: All right. let’s look around!
Luigi steers the Metal Goonie out into the horizon.
Elvin: Will there be any tea on this cruise?
Luigi: … Quiet
time, Elvin.
Chapter 1-12: Friend or Foe?
The Metal Goonie docks at a shore near some guy’s house. Luigi enters.
Luigi: Yo, know anything about an ancient temple?
Funky Kong: Yo man! Yeah I do! You need the Significant Stone to get in.
Luigi: That was lucky. Where is it?
Funky Kong: Yo man, some guy named Lakilester has it!
Luigi: Lakilester… Doesn’t he run the Golden Wonderworld?
Funky Kong: Yeah man! Go get it!
Luigi: Okay… Thanks for the support, I guess…
Luigi leaves.
Luigi: Okay guys, we’re going to the Golden Wonderworld!
Party: Hooray!
Luigi: We’re not there for fun!
Party: Awww…
Eventually Luigi makes it to Lakilester’s office in the Golden Wonderworld.
Luigi: Hey Lakilester, we need the Significant Stone. Can we have it?
Lakilester: Normally I’d make you fight for it but I’m tired of fighting, so okay.
Lakilester gives the Stone to Luigi.
Lakilester: I don’t really care if you give it back or not… Just took up space in my pocket, that’s all it did.
Luigi: Cool.
Luigi returns to the rest of the party at the entrance.
Luigi: All right, let’s go!
Vivian: Merlow says that the cable car is out of order.
Merlow: Yeah. Last person to ride out of here since you came died on it, so we’re fixing it. Meanwhile you guys can… I don’t know.
Wario: Now what do we do?
P.T.: Ooh! Ooh! I know! We can stay free at the hotel! They owe me since I put out that fire with my face!
Luigi: Well that’s just helping you out with all kinds of things around here, isn’t it? Fine, let’s go, people.
Everyone is in the inn lobby.
P.T.: That reminds me… What are we doing exactly? Why are we chasing Dimentio? Did he take your wallet or something?
Elvin: Yeah, I have no dang idea what’s going on! Well actually I’m okay with that because I have some tea, but still!
Merlon: Yeah, tell us.
Bombette: I barely get it!
Wario: I wasn’t paying attention when you were telling the story the first time.
Luigi: Ugh… I forgot, most of you joined AFTER I spilled all the beans… Fine…
Luigi explains the events of five years ago and how Dimentio wants the Golden Land.
Vivian: And he says that he’s a Person Thing of Significance like I am.
Petey: Come to think of it, what IS so significant about them anyway?
Daisy: Yeah.
Vivian: … I don’t know, I never studied.
Luigi: Even I don’t know.
Vivian: But Dimentio is also looking for something else… A badge… A very special badge…
Luigi: You told me this once… The Millennium Badge?
Vivian: Yeah!
P.T.: I heard Lakilester mention that one once. He said Dimentio wanted it.
Wario: Wait, what about all those Bogmire Shadows? There are twelve and they each have different numbers…
Petey: And apparently I was going to be one of them or something, hence my barely noticeable tattoo…
Luigi: How’d you get that?
Petey: Fawful… Well actually I was on an unaired episode of LA Ink but Fawful was a guest tattoo artist for that episode…
Vivian: I think Fawful and Dimentio are involved with those guys.
Luigi: Sounds right.
Vivian: You know… No, never mind… I’m going to bed now. I’m tired. Watching Wario beat up Petey and then flying in a seaplane really tires me out.
Wario: That reminds me, whatever became of our RV?
Daisy: Who knows?
Bombette: That was boring. I’m going to bed too.
P.T.: … So what about that Millennium Badge? What does it do?
Luigi: You’re too dumb to get it!
P.T.: I’m not as think as you dumb I am!
Luigi: … “Dumb I am” is correct, sir.
P.T.: … D’oh!
Wario: Whatever, this is too boring!
Wario goes to bed.
Petey: And then there were six.
Elvin: Zzzzzzz…
Petey: Five… Hey Luigi, do you think I’m gonna act weird like those other twelve guys?
Luigi: Doubt it. Well actually, that depends. What exactly did Fawful do to you?
Petey: Not much. Tattooed me. Wrote down things about me. Fed me oddly colored drinks. Took me to a baseball game once. Put me in a vile.
Luigi: … I think you’ll be okay.
P.T.: So… We’re doing bad then?
Merlon: I’m beat.
Merlon goes into his room. Bombette notices that he ignores his bed and lies in the trunk at the foot of the bed.
Bombette: What?!
Merlon: What can I say? I’m too used to the coffin.
Soon everyone goes to bed, except for Luigi and one other person…
???: Luigi?
Luigi: Huh? Oh hi, Vivian.
Vivian: I can’t get to sleep.
Luigi: As the main character of an RPG I am required, by law, to have trouble falling asleep during major plot points. So that means me too.
Vivian: Let’s go do something fun.
Luigi: I don’t see why not, okay. Who’ll our third party member be?
Vivian: … You don’t get the whole “date” concept, do you?
Luigi: Well you never said “date” so it didn’t really occur to me…
Luigi and Vivian go into the main hub of the Golden Wonderworld.
Shy Guy: Yo! The play’s free tonight! It’s “The Tale of Bill”!
Luigi: Play? No thanks!
Vivian: C’mon!
Luigi: You don’t like plays!
Vivian: I know but I like to see if it’s faithful to the book.
Luigi and Vivian go into the warp pipe.
Other Shy Guy: Hey! You’re the 100th couple to go through! You get to star in the play!
Luigi: Really?
Other Guy: Well actually you’re the 99th couple, but we’re tired of waiting. So just get up there and do whatever. The other actors will cover for you.
Luigi: This is lame in so many different ways.
Vivian: Let’s just get it over with…
Narrator Shy Guy: Once upon a time there was a kingdom. It was led by a king.
The King: Mah Boi, this peace is what all true warriors strive for!
Narrator Guy: Wrong one…
Goomboss: Yo everybody, I be the king!
Narrator: … And there was his knight…
Koopanator: Hey!
Narrator: The mean-but-lovable resident terrorist…
Dry Bones: Silence! I kill you!
Narrator: And the hero, Bill.
Luigi: … Yoho?
Goomboss: Bill, go kill the evil sword and save Princess Apple!
Luigi: … I don’t know…
Goomboss: You must!
Luigi: Nah, just messing with you.
Goomboss: And take my guard with you!
Luigi: For reals?
Goomboss: Nah, do whatever.
Exor appears.
Exor: TIME TO CHOP YOU UP, BILL!
Luigi: … Okay, maybe I could use that guard as a meat shield…
Koopanator: Not cool, man.
Exor: DON’T TRY TO KILL ME! ONE WRONG MOVE AND I’LL FALL BACKWARDS AND CHOP UP THE PRINCESS WHO IS TIED TO THE TRAIN TRACK!
It shows Vivian tied to a train track prop.
Vivian: Oh! Please help me, Bill!
Luigi: … GAAAAH!!! YOU!
Other Guy: Me?
Luigi: YOU’D HAVE TO BE THE STUPIDEST MAN ON THE PLANET TO THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA! HAVE YOU EVEN READ THE SCRIPT?! THIS WHOLE PLAY IS A SIX-HEADED IDIOT THAT KIDNAPS THE 100TH COUPLE AND STEALS THEIR SANITY! THIS PERFORMANCE IS A TRAIN WRECK! THAT DRY BONES IS A RIPOFF OF A STUPID PUPPET! LOOK AT US! REALLY LOOK TO SEE WHAT I MEAN! THIS PLAY IS WHAT HAPPENS AFTER SHAME GORGES OUT AND EATS TOO MUCH STUPIDITY AND TRIES TO WASH IT DOWN WITH INSANITY! I NOW ENVY THE DEAF, THE MUTE, AND THE BLIND!!!
Everyone: …
Crickets chirp.
Everyone: …
Random Audience Guy: … He’s right.
Everyone leaves. Luigi and Vivian are soon kicked out of the theater.
Luigi/Vivian: Ow…
Luigi: Good riddance.
Vivian: Are you done ripping off of King-
Luigi: Yes.
Vivian: Well the night’s still young. Care to ride on the gondolas?
Luigi: Okay.
They get to the gondola station. Vivian pays for the tickets and they get on. Vivian looks outside.
Vivian: That’s a nice view.
Luigi: I guess. Woah, the Dolphin Dasher track is right outside our window!
They look outside and the racers all race by.
Petey/Merlon: Whee!
Luigi: Looks like we aren’t the only ones who can’t go to sleep…
Vivian: Forget them.
The ride continues.
Vivian: … It’s really creepy how you’re similar to him… Mario.
Luigi: Oh yeah… That guy… The guy who should be my older brother but not in this story for some reason.
Vivian: You’re different but you look and act the same. At first I thought you were him. Then I thought you might’ve just been a fan of his work or something. But now I realize it’s a creepy coincidence. And you do so many things like him.
Luigi: No offense, but is this whole ride just going to be you comparing me and that guy?
Cut to outside the Golden Wonderworld.
Vivian’s voice: I’m sorry… But I just want to know who you really are.
Luigi’s voice: … Luigi S. Mario?
Vivian’s voice: … That’s not what I mean.
Luigi’s voice: Well that’s as much as I’m going to understand.
Vivian’s voice: … He was just that way, too.
Luigi’s voice: Oh boy…
Eventually the ride returns to the start.
Vivian: That was fun.
Luigi: Yeah, I guess it was.
Vivian: We should do it again sometime.
Luigi: I wouldn’t say no.
Vivian: It’s getting late, we should go back to our rooms.
Luigi: Okay.
Luigi and Vivian make it back to the hub and notice someone.
Vivian: Wait! Isn’t that… what’s his name again? The tall guy in the trench coat that worked here before joining us?
Luigi: Oh yeah. He’s probably just doing something stupid.
P.T. pulls out the Significant Stone.
P.T.: Okay, I didn’t drop it. Now for my mission.
Luigi: What are you doing?
P.T.: Uh oh!
P.T. hops into the warp pipe.
Luigi: Aw dang.
Luigi and Vivian follow him. They run into what looks like P.T. with a fake beard.
Luigi: We know it’s you! Give us back the Significant Stone!
P.T.?: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Vivian: Come on!
P.T. runs past them and hops into another warp pipe.
Luigi/Vivian: …
Not P.T.: See?
Luigi and Vivian continue to chase P.T. around a small portion of the Golden Wonderworld until they reach an outdoor staircase. Croco flies up in a helicopter.
Croco: Now!
P.T. throws the Significant Stone and it hits Croco in the eye. It falls but P.T. catches it again.
P.T.: Oops. Here!
P.T. throws it again and Croco barely catches it.
Croco: Thank you.
Croco flies off as Luigi and Vivian catch up.
Luigi: Dude, what are you doing?!
P.T.: All right, fine, I’m a spy! There’s an executive of Koopa named Kamek who paid me to go around and do what he says via earphone! He told me to meet you here and find a way to join your party so he can spy on you and help Koopa! … I feel better now.
Luigi: You sick idiot!
P.T.: Can we just pretend like this never happened?
Luigi: What, so you can mess us up again?! You’re just gonna keep messing us up and expecting us to treat things like we’re fine?!
P.T.: … So you have a different idea?
Luigi: Yeah! We’ll kill you!
Vivian: Luigi, killing him won’t solve anything.
Luigi: I don’t care! Besides, he’s always been annoying.
P.T.: Good luck! I died twice before and came back both times! Besides, I told you, Kamek’s telling me to do this!
Kamek’s voice: You weren’t supposed to reveal my name!
P.T.: Whoops. Anyway, he told me that he was confused by why you do all this or something. He says he doesn’t know why you do this. You don’t get fame or money and everyone seems to hate you guys. It’s making him feel guilty about his life.
Luigi: Tough squash! It’s hammer time!
Luigi pulls out his hammer.
P.T.: (quickly) Kamek says he has Wario’s kid and Vivian’s sisters hostage.
Luigi: … OH COME ON!
Vivian: Beldam and Marilyn are hostage?!
P.T.: I guess. I haven’t seen him since he offered me the job so I don’t know.
Luigi: … I hate you…
P.T.: Dude, it’s not me! It’s Kamek! Don’t shoot the messenger!
Luigi: I’ll shoot whoever I want!
Luigi throws a rock at a random Goomba.
Goomba: Ow! Why?!
Luigi: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!
Goomba/Vivian: …
P.T.: … So anyway, we were gonna go to that one place tomorrow? I think Koopa’s sending the Yoshis and they’re gonna get there first.
Luigi: Ugh…
Vivian: Well at least Dimentio’s not getting in.
Luigi: True… Wait, I just have ONE more question… Did you really put out that fire with your face?
P.T.: Yes. Yes I did. I’m bored.
P.T. walks away.
Luigi: … Are you sure we can’t kill him?
Vivian: No… Not yet at least…
Luigi: Well, sorry Koopa and their minion here messed up our night.
Vivian: It was still fun. Besides, we can still beat them. Well, let’s go back to our rooms now.
Luigi: You go ahead.
Vivian goes back to her room. Luigi turns to the Goomba, makes the “I’m watching you” gesture, and follows Vivian out.
Goomba: …
The next morning Luigi heads into the hotel lobby where everyone is. Everyone’s looking at a map on the table.
Luigi: So I take it you all know the truth about our little idiot here?
Petey: Huh? Him? … Oh yeah, that! Sure, whatever.
Luigi: … And?
Petey: We really don’t care.
Luigi: WHAT?!
Wario: At least SOMETHING is going on with him! Meanwhile I haven’t had anything cool happen with me lately! Maybe I should be a spy too…
Luigi: … Whatever. I guess no one cares. So have we found out where the Significant Temple is?
P.T.: Uhhhhhhhhh…
Daisy: East.
P.T.: East!
Luigi: Sounds like a plan. I bet they fixed the cable car by now, so let’s go, people! But we can’t all go in, so… about three of us should be enough.
Vivian: I’m going for sure, I need to see this place.
Merlon: I-
Luigi: You’ve been enough places lately!
Elvin: I’m new! Let me do it!
Luigi: Okay. Let’s go then.
Everyone heads out and goes to the Metal Goonie and rides off to the east.