Chapter 2-3: The Trouble with Badges
The Gadd Cruiser is flying through the air.
Petey: Woo! Party without a leader! Literally, too!
Elvin: Pipe down, I’m flyin’ this thing!
Bombette: Killjoy.
Wario: Yeah let’s just get to North Coral already!
Elvin: You know what? ***** Coral! I’m goin’ to Fort Sandbird first!
Wario: What?! Why?!
Elvin: Because! It’s closer! And I like birds.
Everyone: lolwut?
Elvin: NOT A WORD! You’re saying I can’t have a hobby?! Ever occur to you ****** that maybe I’m an avid birdwatcher?! Didn’t think so!
Elvin lands the ship near Fort Sandbird.
Elvin: Now I choose me, Wario, and Merlon to go in and get the badge! The rest of you watch the ship! Don’t do anything stupid!
Merlon: (Too late.)
The three leave the Gadd Cruiser and head into Fort Sandbird. Back inside the Gadd Cruiser…
Bombette: Hey guys can we go to Radint?
Petey: But that’s so out of the way! Why do we need to go there?
Bombette: Uh, I’m homesick?
Petey: So you’re from Radint? Well we DID go to everyone else’s homes…
P.T.: Not mine!
Petey: No one cares. I’m sure Elvin won’t be mad if we have the ship back by the time he returns. But I can’t pilot to save my life, so one of these grunts will have to… Stevenson! Fly us to Radint!
Stevenson: Duuuh, okay.
With the others…
Merlon: Wow, that bird is big.
Wario: And I don’t care. Can we just hurry and get the Special Badge in that Garlic Plant that the Sandbird is sitting on? Why’s he even there?!
Elvin: It could have to do with that egg on the Plant.
Wario: … I knew that.
Everyone heads inside.
Elvin: Hey, what’s up?
Bandy Andy: Koopa sent out troops to try to take the Special Badge from the Plant at the top of this place, but they’ll harm the bird! We have to stall them! You’ll need to strategically place monsters on the cliffside to fight off the troops!
Elvin: The ****? Why me?!
Bandy Andy: We’ve been doing it for three years now! It won’t kill you to do it just once!
Merlon: It’s taking the egg three years to hatch?
Bandy Andy: Why, isn’t that normal?
Elvin/Merlon: …
Wario: Can we just get this over with?!
Meanwhile, the Gadd Cruiser docks a few miles outside Radint.
Petey: Stevenson, what was that?! We’re way too far away!
P.T.: You’re fired!
Stevenson: Duuuh, you’re not my boss.
P.T.: … I’m not?
Bombette’s voice: Guys, get out here real quick!
Petey/P.T.: Okay.
They go outside.
Petey: Where’d she go?
P.T.: Oh yeah, let me check with my psychic powers.
Petey: Well excuse me!
Bombette walks up to the two and explodes, knocking them out. The last thing Petey sees as he blacks out is Bombette approaching them with menace in her eyes.
Meanwhile, there’s rumbling at Fort Sandbird.
Elvin: What the **** was that?!
Bandy Andy: You totally messed up the cliffside battle! Now you gotta go fight the monsters’ leader yourself!
Elvin: What?!
Wario: The sooner we do this, the sooner we get to North Coral!
Merlon: Why do you care so much?
Wario: I made a bet with this one guy and said that I can save North Coral before the end of the story, and he said no. If I do save it, I get 3,000 coins!
Merlon: If we help you, I expect a cut of that.
Wario: Okay… (Heh, heh…)
Bandy Andy: GET OUT THERE AND FIGHT!
Wario/Merlon: Eep!
Wario and Merlon grab a drinking Elvin and take him outside to fight the boss, Bowyer.
Bowyer: Nyahaha! Fools you are! Opposing Koopa… cause your deaths it will!
Elvin: Oh great, a boss with a speech impediment…
RPG BATTLE!
Elvin: 750/750
Wario: 800/800
Merlon: 750/750
Vs.
Bowyer: 1050/1050
Elvin attacks with his spear! 30 damage!
Wario charges his Final Smash!
Merlon charges his Final Smash!
Bowyer shoots an arrow at Wario! 30
damage!
Elvin: 750/750
Wario: 770/800 (Charging)
Merlon: 750/750 (Charging)
Vs.
Bowyer: 1020/1050
Elvin charges his Final Smash!
Wario unleashes his Final Smash! Wario
uses W! Wario forms his arms into a W and goes berserk on Bowyer! 200 damage!
Merlon unleashes his Final Smash! Merlon
uses Monster Morph Level 2! Merlon forms into a Freddy Krueger rip-off
mixed with a dragon!
Bowyer unleashes a wave of electricity!
50 damage each!
Elvin: 700/750 (Charging)
Wario: 720/800
Merlon: 700/750
Vs.
Bowyer: 820/1050
Elvin unleashes his Final Smash! Elvin
uses Cross-Cut! Elvin slashes Bowyer with his spear! 5 hits! 20 damage
each!
Wario uses Shoulder Ram! 50 damage!
Merkrueger uses Claw Grip! 60 damage!
Bowyer is poisoned!
Bowyer shoots an arrow at Merkrueger!
30 damage!
Poison damages Bowyer for 10 damage!
Elvin: 700/750
Wario: 720/800
Merlon: 670/750
Vs.
Bowyer: 600/1050
Elvin throws a Bob-omb! 30 damage!
Wario uses a summon! Wario releases
a bird that flies away! Ultimate Chimera runs onto the field and bites
Bowyer! OHKO!
Wario takes 40 damage for using a non-Mario
summon!
Elvin: 700/750
Wario: 680/800
Merlon: 670/750
Vs.
Bowyer: 0/1050
Elvin, Wario, and Merlon win!
Elvin gains a level! Wario gains 988 exp! Merlon learns “Double-Shotgun”!
BATTLE OVER!
Bowyer: Nya…ha…haha…
Bowyer falls over.
Elvin: Wimp.
Merkrueger reverts to Merlon.
Merlon: I feel weird.
Wario: Deal with it. Let’s just go back and get our praise.
Inside…
Elvin: We do good?
Bandy Andy: Except for the Smash Bros. cameo running around the base of our mountain now, keeping people from ever leaving! Though on the plus side it IS scaring away the rest of the troops from Koopa, so I guess it’s a wash. Here’s some Honey Syrup.
Bandy Andy gives Elvin a Super Shroom.
Elvin: That’s not Honey Syrup.
Bandy Andy: I lie about what I give people to shake things up.
Elvin: …
Merlon: What’s that shaking?
Bandy Andy, Elvin, Wario, Merlon, and everyone else that lives there run outside to check on the Sandbird. Even the Ultimate Chimera looks up from walking around in circles.
Everyone: WOAH!
The Sandbird’s egg explodes, and the Sandbird dissolves into sand. A mere Paragoomba flies up from the egg’s remains and flies away.
Paragoomba: So long, suckers! Thanks for helping guard my summer home!
Everyone: …
Elvin: Well that was a waste of time.
Bandy Andy: I feel like I just wasted my life…
Wario: Stinks to be you!
Bandy Andy picks up a rock and throws it at the Paragoomba in anger. It drops a badge. Elvin goes over to get it.
Elvin: Hot ****! It’s the Sandbird Badge! A summon!
Larson the Bandit walks up to Gadd.
Larson: You like badges, huh?
Elvin: Who are you?
Larson: Larson the Bandt! I think this is what Koopa was after, so you can have it.
Larson gives Elvin a badge shaped like a bird.
Larson: It’s one of them “Special Badges”.
Wario and Merlon walk up to the two.
Wario: Wahaha! Let’s go to Coral now!
Merlon: Guys, wait. Where’s the Gadd Cruiser?
Everyone looks around.
Elvin: … Aw ****! I bet those idiots took it for a joyride! Now we gotta walk until they show up!
Wario: Exercise?! NOOO!!!
Meanwhile…
Petey wakes up.
Petey: Ugh… My head… Wait a second… I feel lighter…
Petey feels through his imaginary pockets.
Petey: HOLY PIE! MY BADGES! THEY’RE GONE!
P.T.: Ugh… What happened, Mommy?
Petey: I don’t know, Son. Wait, I’m not your mom! I’m a guy! And you’re not my son!
P.T.: Then why do we have the same last name?
Petey: I never understood that. Wait do you still have your badges?
P.T.: Let me check… AAH! THEY’RE GONE! But how?!
Petey: Bombette brought us here, and then brought us outside the ship… and then blew up on us… SHE’S ABSCONDED WITH OUR BADGES!
P.T.: “Absconded”?
Petey: Who cares, we gotta get them back!
P.T.: To the Piranha Flyer!
P.T. stands there.
P.T.: Oh wait, that’s not in this story.
Petey: *sigh* We walk…
Soon the plant and the man make it to the harbor town of Radint.
P.T.: Look, there she is!
The “camera” pans over to Kammy Koopa eating a hotdog.
P.T.: I told you we’d run into her at some point!
Petey: All right, fine, but where’s Bombette?
P.T.: I dunno.
Petey: Hmm… Say, have you seen a pink Bob-omb with a blonde ponytail anywhere?
Bombette Incognito: Uh, no.
Petey: … (Wait a minute…) Hey! I just remembered, uh, guy-in-trench-coat! I found this real cool badge on our way over here-
Bombette Incognito: BADGE, MINE!
Petey: Aha!
Bombette: Dang it!
Bombette ditches her disguise and runs off, and the others can’t find her. Eventually Petey and P.T. stop in the Watering Hole Tavern. Boshi, Dr. Topper, and Mimi are in there. Mimi notices them.
Mimi: Oh my DAD! Guys, it’s two of those guys that are against Koopa! Let’s kill them!
Boshi: No.
Mimi: Okay.
P.T.: That was the easiest boss ever! Man we’re good!
Petey: Yeah we are!
They knuckle-touch and then go back to hunting down Bombette. They enter a house.
Bomberto: EEK! STRANGERS! ME WIFE DIDN’T WARN ME ABOUT THIS!
P.T. notices a shaking box.
P.T.: Hey plant guy, did you see that awesome badge just outside this house?
Bombette rushes out from under the box and runs outside.
Bombette: Hey, there’s no- Aw dang it.
P.T.: Hooray, I can trick people!
Bombette runs off.
Petey: Hooray, you can stand there while you have the chance to catch them!
P.T.: So can you!
Petey: You’re right! Let’s go get her!
Petey and P.T. pass by Watering Hole and notice a shaking urn.
Petey: Look, she’s probably hiding in that Radintian Urn!
P.T.: What’s a Radintian Urn?
Petey: More than we do working for that comatose.
(Rim-shot)
Petey: Okay, I have an idea.
Soon they cross the bridge onto the platform with the tavern. Petey blocks the bridge and P.T. opens the top of the urn.
P.T.: No, just a hobo.
P.T. pulls out Oaklie and throws him into the river. Bombette then jumps out of the urn and tries to run away, but Petey catches her.
Petey: Got ya now!
P.T.: All right, Pinky, spill the goods.
Bombette: Okay, fine! First go over to my house!
Bombette directs the two to her house while two Dark Koopatrols head into the Watering Hole.
Dark Koopatrol 1: Boshi, Dr. Topper, Mimi! Did you see those guys outside? They look like some of those guys that keep trying to thwart President Koopa Jr.!
Dark Koopatrol 2: Let’s bonk them!
Boshi: No.
Dark Koopatrols: Okay.
Mimi: BORED!
Mimi changes into her spider form and storms out, chasing after the good guys.
Dr. Topper: Should we be concerned?
Boshi: No.
Meanwhile the three good guys, or rather two fools and a thief, are in the basement of the house of said thief.
Bombette: Okay, Lever 1 releases your badges. Lever 2 traps you in a cage. Lever 3 will stop global warming.
Petey pulls lever 2. He and P.T. are in a cage!
Bombette: Wait, you actually fell for that?! I said it was a trap!
Petey: I thought you’d be tricking us, so I decided to pull the one that you thought we WOULDN’T pull!
Bombette: Wow, that’s clever. But now I have all your badges and you have none! It’s a good think I didn’t try to steal from the SMART ones in the group!
Bombette runs off.
P.T.: Dang it! We’re being beaten by a teenager! At least I think she’s a teenager. It’s hard to say…
Petey: That’s okay, the door to the cage is open.
“Team Piranha” follow Bombette’s footprints until they notice tire tracks have taken over. They follow them into the small building near the tower and meet someone familiar.
Petey: You…
P.T.: You…
Petey/P.T.: Wait a minute… Who are you?
It’s Don Pianta! From Chapter 1-2! Next to him is Spiky the Spiky Goomba, sitting in his Parade Kart with Bombette tied up next to him.
Don Pianta: The name’s Don Pianta. I live in the Wal-Mart in Koopa City. I have a mansion there. And now I have a date for the convention I’m going to.
Bombette: HELP ME!
Petey: You can have the girl, but all we ask in return is that you give us all the badges she has on her person.
Bombette: WHAT?!
P.T.: You deserve it!
Petey: Yeah. Maybe one of the “smart ones in the group” can save you.
Don Pianta: No dice. I hardly know you. You could just be plotting to use the badges to beat me and Spiky up. So bye.
Don Pianta hops into the back seat of the kart.
Don Pianta: And in case this doesn’t work out, there’s a green, blocky girl in a suit in the trunk! Later!
Spiky drives the kart out of the building. The two follow.
Petey: Well I’d still count this as a win.
P.T.: Sounds about right.
Boshi and Dr. Topper walk up to them.
Dr. Topper: Guys, they took Mimi! We have to team up to save them!
Petey: Can we refuse to this?
Boshi: No.
Petey: Let’s go! Do you know where they went?
Dr. Topper: They went off to the mountains. Hurry!
The four chase after the Parade Kart. The two duos split up until Petey and P.T. find Don Pianta and Spiky. The hostages are tied up right next to him.
Bombette: GUYS! SAVE ME! SAVE ME AND I’LL GIVE YOUR BADGES BACK!
Mimi: SAVE ME TOO!
P.T.: You wanted to kill us!
Mimi: So?
P.T.: Good logic.
Don Pianta: Oh, you pathetic Piranhas think you can persuade Pianta into freeing the pink one?
Petey: How do you know our surnames? And why the alliteration?
Don Pianta: ULTRA BLOOPER! ATTACK!
A giant Blooper drops down.
RPG BATTLE!
Petey: 800/800
P.T.: 760/760
Vs.
Ultra Blooper: 1050/1050
Petey spits a sludge ball! 40 damage!
P.T. attacks with scissors! 30 damage!
Ultra Blooper slaps P.T.! 40 damage!
Petey: 800/800
P.T.: 720/760
Vs.
Ultra Blooper: 980/1050
Petey uses Tornado Leaf! 60 damage!
P.T. uses the Golden Hammer! 60 damage!
Ultra Blooper inks the party! Everyone’s
poisoned!
Poison does 10 damage each!
Petey: 790/800 (Poisoned)
P.T.: 710/760 (Poisoned)
Vs.
Ultra Blooper: 860/1050
Petey uses Flying Slam! 80 damage!
P.T. charges his Final Smash!
Ultra Blooper slaps Petey! 40 damage!
Poison does 10 damage each!
Petey: 740/800 (Poisoned)
P.T.: 700/760 (Poisoned, Charging)
Vs.
Ultra Blooper: 780/1050
Petey uses Leaf Slap! 60 damage!
P.T. unleashes his Final Smash! P.T.
uses Game Over! P.T. pulls out a giant scythe and clumsily stumbles around
with it. He somehow tosses it. Unlikely Odds Result! The blade lands in
Ultra Blooper! OHKO!
Poison does 10 damage each!
Petey: 730/800 (Poisoned)
P.T.: 690/760 (Poisoned)
Vs.
Ultra Blooper: 0/1050
Petey and P.T. win!
Petey gains a level! P.T. gains a level!
BATTLE OVER!
Petey: Why do YOU of all people get an OHKO Final Smash?
P.T.: Don’t blame me; blame the guy I’m parodying.
Don Pianta: Grr…
Spiky: They owned your pet, Boss.
Don Pianta: Spiky, why must you always tell me things that make me feel upset?
Spiky: Sorry.
Boshi walks up.
Don Pianta: Woah! The other Yoshis are here too?!
Dr. Topper is standing at a hidden vantage point. He throws a hammer and it lands on the front of Spiky’s Parade Kart and makes a dent.
Spiky: AAAAH!
He freaks out and puts the car in reverse and drives… but forgets he’s on a cliff… He probably won’t survive the fall.
Don Pianta: You got Spiky! … Why ARE we on a mountain, anyway?
Boshi throws an egg at Don Pianta, knocking him back. He’s barely keeping his balance on the very edge of the cliff. Boshi walks up to him.
Don Pianta: Please, PLEASE spare my game! I’ll do whatever you want!
Boshi: No.
Boshi lightly taps Don Pianta, sending him over the edge.
Pianta: NOOOOOO!!!
Petey: Wow. Hey, you know, this actually worked! Maybe we should team up more often!
Boshi: No.
Dr. Topper: Now let’s free the girls and never speak of this again.
Petey/P.T./Bombette/Mimi: Agreed.
Soon in Bombette’s house, she’s giving their badges back.
Bombette: I’MSORRYI’MSORRYI’MSORRYI’MSORRYI’MSORRY-
Petey/P.T.: ALL RIGHT, WE GET IT!
Bombette: So… Any chance you’ll have me back in your party and that we never speak of this to the others?
Petey/P.T.: … Eh, sure, why not?
The three walk out of Bombette’s house and head for the exit until Bombette stops.
Petey: Now what?
Bombette: … There’s something I need to do first.
Bombette runs off towards the tower near the building where they found Don Pianta.
Petey/P.T.: D’oh!
They run after her. Meanwhile…
The three older men have finally made it to North Coral.
Ishnail: You hear about the Dark Koopatrols after the Special Badge here? They’re gonna use the train to take it from the Garlic Plant!
Elvin: We gotta stop ‘em then, huh?
Wario: I’ll say! 3,000 coins are at stake!
Merlon: And I get a cut.
Wario: Fine, whatever.
The three eventually make it to the Garlic Plant.
Dark Koopatrol 1: Woah! You’re those guys! You used that red monster to scare us away from Fort Sandbird!
Dark Koopatrol 2: Kill!
Merlon holds up his shotgun (not a rifle, contrary to what I said before) to Dark Koopatrol 1’s neck. Elvin holds up his spear to the other one’s.
Wario: You’ll be letting us through.
Dark Koopatrols: Eep… DON’T KILL US!
The two jump over the edge.
Elvin/Merlon/Wario: …
Elvin: That was pretty ******** stupid of them. See, when someone doesn’t have tea every so often they don’t think straight. It’s common sense.
Merlon: … Of course… It’s only logical…
Elvin: Glad you see it my way.
Wario: TRAIN!
The three get out of the way of the entrance and the train comes out of the Plant.
Elvin/Wario/Merlon: … AFTER IT!
Elvin: They’ve got the Special Badge in that train!
But a smaller train is now behind the party!
Merlon: We’re train-trapped!
Elvin uses his spear to pole-vault. The smaller train catches up and he lands on top of it. Wario farts his way up and lands on the smaller train. Merlon’s still running from it.
Merlon: Guys, what about me?!
Elvin: Do I look like your mom?! Figure it out yourself!
Merlon: My mom hated me, she’d never tell me what to do!
Merlon focuses and uses his Monster Morph Level 1 and becomes the winged demon. He flies up and lands on the smaller train as his old self.
Elvin: Uh-huh…
Wario: Anyway… We need to catch up to that other train. But how?!
Elvin: We need to find some kind of way to accelerate our own speed! Anyone got a Hyper-Drive compatibility thing we can hook up to this train so we can go faster?
Merlon: No.
Wario: A what?
Elvin: ****! What am I living in, the Stone Age?!
Wario: Wait! I got this Triple Mushrooms! We can use that!
Wario uses the Triple Mushrooms to boost the train’s speed until they catch up to the first train. They jump! They make it!
Wario: Wahaha! It worked!
They make it to the front of the train and find the Dark Koopatrol engineer.
Elvin: Give us the ***** badge!
Dark Koopatrol: AAAAAAH!!!
Dark Koopatrol hands it over and jumps out of the train and into the abyss.
Merlon: Why are all these soldiers suicidal? That can’t be good for Koopa.
Wario: Uh, yeah, but what about the train?! We gotta stop it before it crashes into North Coral!
Elvin: Oh.
Elvin gets into the seat and starts messing with the controls.
Merlon: Figure it out?
Elvin: Not in the slightest.
Wario: Dang it!
Elvin: Wait… This button looks important.
Elvin presses the button and the train stops JUST before heading into North Coral.
Elvin: … That was close.
Wario: Wahaha! 3,000 coins, here I come!
A sack of 3,000 coins falls out of nowhere and lands in front of Wario.
Merlon: Now for my cut.
Wario gives him one coin.
Merlon: WHAT?!
Wario: You never said how much of a cut! Wahaha!
Merlon: I hate you.
The three get off the train. Everyone walks up to them.
Koopley: So you guys stopped the Koopa Train from wrecking town?
Wario: Yep!
Koopley: Okay, we forgive you, Wario.
Wario: Wahaha! I’m-a number one!
Goompapa: Here’s a cool badge I found in the well.
He gives it to Elvin.
Ishnail: We support you in your fight against Koopa. We’re not actually going to do anything to help, but we support you.
Elvin: Gee, thanks a lot… (******…) So now what? Any more Special Badges, fatty?
Wario: How should I know?!
Goompapa: There’s one in the underwater Garlic Plant at Ricco Harbor.
Wario: Aw, I don’t wanna go back there!
Elvin: Let’s just go…
The three head to the entrance to find the Gadd Cruiser! Petey and P.T. walk out. Petey has a “I went to Radint and I only got a t-shirt” shirt, and P.T. has a Radint-themed headband on. Petey’s holding an unconscious Bombette over his shoulder.
Petey: We have ourselves a champion!
Elvin: The ****?
P.T.: Well while you were gone we went to Radint and… uh… stuff happened…
Petey: Then Bombette went off to a tower and beat up all the guys inside as some sort of Radintian Rite of Passage. The final guy in there was her uncle, Bobbery. He wore her out but she won! And then we went to find you but you weren’t at Fort Sandbird, so we flew here.
P.T.: Oh, and we also got you guys a bobblehead.
P.T. holds a bobblehead out in Elvin’s face and messes with it until Elvin takes it and throws it far away.
Elvin: Let’s just go to freakin’ Ricco Harbor!
Petey/P.T.: Okay.
Everyone heads into the Gadd Cruiser
and it flies away.
Chapter 2-4: Clouded Judgment
The Gadd Cruiser stops just outside Keelhaul Key. Gadd, Wario, and Bombette walk out. Bombette has only recently woken up from the events of last time.
Bombette: Ugh… So where are we?
Elvin: Back in Keelhaul Key. We’re gonna check in on that plumber before we go to Ricco Harbor.
Wario: I can’t believe we actually survived a whole chapter without them! We don’t need ‘em after all!
Elvin: Maybe I should STAY leader!
Elvin/Wario/Bombette: Ahahahahahahaha!
Wario/Bombette: Haha… NO!
Elvin: Aww…
Elvin, Wario, and Bombette walk into the hospital.
Elvin: How’s he doin’, Doc?
Dr. Toad: Same as last time.
Elvin: ****. What about the girl?
Dr. Toad: She’s still mildly upset. Until we all had that party. We all had fun. But now she’s mildly upset again.
The go into the other room to find Daisy still watching over comatose Luigi.
Wario: Hey Daisy.
Bombette: I got my ultimate Final Smash by beating up my uncle!
Daisy: So I take it you’re all having a normal time without us, then?
Elvin: **** to the yeah!
Wario and Daisy punch Elvin at once.
Everyone in town that can speak: NEVER SAY THAT STUPID PHRASE AGAIN!
Elvin: Sheesh, SOME PEOPLE missed teatime!
Daisy: Whatever. Now I’m worried if Luigi will ever recover.
Bombette: Did anything happen with him lately?
Daisy: No. You know it was only earlier today that you left me here.
Elvin: Really, that short a time?
There’s a shaking.
Elvin: SWEET TEA, WHAT WAS THAT?!
Townie’s voice: RUN! IT’S A GUARDIAN!
Elvin/Wario/Bombette/Daisy: GUARDIAN?!
Bombette: I completely forgot about those guys! In fact, I forgot about nearly ALL our problems!
Wario: Yeah, missing a leader does that to you.
Luigi: Zzzz… They’re on their way… Yes, I would love some cheese… Zzzz…
Elvin: What’s that supposed to mean?!
The three go outside.
Elvin: *****! River Twygz water is bursting from cracks in the ground!
Wario: That can’t be good!
Bombette: But where’s the Guardian?
Wario: Up there!
Everyone looks up to the sky and sees a purple demon with four different-colored crystals floating around him.
Elvin: Of course. Since this is a parody of Final Fantasy, Culex appears. And as a tough boss. Just great. COME AND GET ME, JEWELRY BOY!
Culex: (… WHAT DID HE JUST CALL ME?! HE DIES!)
Culex swoops down.
Wario: Why, Gadd, why?!
Elvin: It’s not my fault he can’t take an insult like a man! But then again, what man plays with jewelry?!
Culex: (NOW I’M GONNA KILL YOU FASTER!)
Culex holds his hands out and starts gathering energy.
Wario: What do we do, LEADER?!
Elvin: I’m thinkin’!
Bombette: … I got it! My new attack! BOMB RAY!
Bombette lights her fuse and explodes, and all the force and light and whatever is focused into a big beam that hits Culex dead on.
Culex: (AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!)
Culex flies away.
Culex: (I’LL GET MY REVENGE ON YOU, ELVIN GADD! AND YOUR LITTLE BOB-OMB TOO!)
Bombette: Hooray! I saved your butts!
The earthquakes are getting worse.
Wario: Waaah! Back to the ship!
Bombette: What about Luigi and Daisy?
Elvin: ***** Luigi and Daisy! We gotta get to the ship!
Wario: Wait!
Wario runs into some guy’s house and runs out with a sack of money.
Wario: Back to the ship, go! Go! GO!
Elvin/Bombette: …
The three run into the airship and it takes off. Meanwhile Daisy wheels Luigi outside with Dr. Toad and the Spear Guy.
Daisy: Now what?!
Dr. Toad: Get to safety!
Spear Guy whistles and a Turbo Yoshi Double Dash Kart appears. The two get on and drive away.
Daisy: … Come on, Luigi, let’s get out of here!
Luigi: Zzzz…
Daisy: Why am I speaking to you? You’re comatose!
But suddenly the ground opens up around them.
Daisy: DANG IT!
Two Underhands reach out and grab Luigi and Daisy, then pull them down into the River Twygz and ZA WARUDO*!
Daisy: AAAAAH!
After some time, Daisy wakes up in total darkness.
Daisy: Ugh… Where am I? Luigi? Elvin? Anyone?
Shayde: Hey! I’m Tom!
Daisy: Anyone else?
Shayde: …
Daisy then ends up in some kind of surreal setting with four Luigis. One of them is a giant ghost Luigi sitting at a giant ghost table with a giant ghost doll.
Luigi Ghost: More tea, Mr. Bear?
Daisy: … Anyway… What is this? Am I in your mind?
Luigi to the North: Hey! Over here!
Daisy: Oh, Luigi, there you are.
Luigi: Look, we’re right outside the entrance to Toad Town all that time ago. And look over there! The McDonald’s was still up then!
Daisy: So it was. Hmm… So Dimentio and a mustached plumber came here with two Koopatrols. That was the first time I met Dimentio.
Another Luigi walks up with Johnson’s dad Johnson and the tall human Koopatrol. The Luigi that is there joins with the new one.
Daisy: Uh, actually, Luigi, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. I thought if I did tell you, you’d be messed up, but you should probably know…
Everyone but Daisy and Luigi disappear.
Daisy: That was weird. Anyway, you never came to Toad Town five years ago.
Younger Daisy is somewhere in the town square, asleep while waiting for Luigi to come.
Daisy: I thought you WOULD come based off of what you said, but you never did.
Some pranksters mess with younger Daisy’s arms as she sleeps.
Daisy: Grr… Robertson… Anyway, the person who came with Dimentio was that red guy from the “illusion” we saw at the North Pole Hole.
Dimentio, the Koopatrols, and Mario reappear. Daisy and Luigi are warped back to the spiritual junction.
Luigi: Wait, so that wasn’t me back then?
Daisy: No, it was that red guy that looks similar to you.
Daisy heads over to another Luigi standing next to a well.
Luigi: So that promise we made at that well in the flashback that was lazily cut from Chapter 1-1… Was that real or not?
Daisy: Uh, I think so.
Suddenly they’re at the well at night. They can see the same pranksters vandalizing the side of Daisy’s house.
Daisy: Grr… Robertson… So anyway, Dimentio said that you made up this story based off of hearing me talk? And since I met you as a child that’s how came to be? Based off of the memory of some kid I met?
Luigi: … I guess? You’re losing me.
Daisy: Yeah, me too.
Daisy and Luigi are back in the hub.
Daisy: Feeling any better?
Luigi: …
Daisy: Other than that night, don’t you remember ANYTHING with me in it? We’ll cover everything.
You: AWW!!! JUST GET ON WITH THE PLOT!
Daisy: This IS the plot!
You: AWWW!!!
Daisy: Okay, so why DID you become a Koopatrol?
Luigi: Attention… strength… free dental… I wanted the girl I liked to notice me…
Daisy: Who was that?
Luigi: What are you, stupid? It was you! I wanted your attention!
Daisy: Luigi, how many times did I have to tell you, I just wasn’t into you.
A child version of Luigi walks up from behind.
Young Luigi: You never even noticed me! Not one bit!
Daisy: That’s… not… true-
Young Luigi: Face it, you wouldn’t give me the time of day in a watch store!
All present Luigis: OOH! BURN!
Mr. Bear: *deep voice* You got told.
Daisy: … Well you WERE kind of a hermit back then.
Young Luigi: I think there’s something you still need to know that happened before.
Daisy: What’s that?
Young Luigi and Daisy look into a room.
Daisy: Is this my kitchen?
Young Luigi: Whoops, wrong room.
Young Luigi pulls down the shade and then pulls it back up. Daisy’s bedroom. Suddenly Daisy, Young Luigi, Luigi, and Tom the Shayde are in the room.
Young Luigi: You brought me into this room for the first time. Look, here come the holograms of people you used to know.
Young Daisy is in the room now with some other kids.
Goombario: Hey look, guys, that Lou guy is coming! Isn’t that his name?
Bub: I thought it was Linguini or something. I wonder why he’s outside.
Daisy: Oh yeah, I forgot! We were neighbors and I hardly knew you.
Young Luigi: How? I was the only one with a green hat!
Luigi/Tom/Young Luigi/Young Daisy/Goombario/Bub: He has a point.
Daisy: I wasn’t observant then, okay?! And you kids! You’re not supposed to know we’re here! Aren’t they supposed to not be able to see nor hear us?
Young Luigi: Who came up with that? Of course they can see and hear us! We’re right here! Why else would I be wearing my hat at a stylish, slightly off-center fashion? For FUN?!
Daisy: Okay! Wait… You were never in here!
Young Luigi: You were always with Goombario, Bub, and Robertson.
Daisy: Oh yeah, I used to be friends with Robertson. Where is he right now?
Bub: Bathroom.
Daisy: Never mind… But you’re right, I was always with them!
Young Luigi: And they were all idiots. They were cool but still dumb!
Daisy: Why?
Young Luigi: They sometimes played the “pull my finger” game! How dumb is that?! Goombario and Bub didn’t even realize that they don’t have fingers to pull! That’s how dumb THEY were!
Daisy: Well we WERE kids. We didn’t have the good fortune to be born a rocket scientist like you, Einstein! … Or Elvin for that matter…
Young Luigi: Now I know that, and I realize I was the dumb one. Or a wannabe. Either way, maybe. But I was different than all of you guys.
Daisy: The hat thing again?
Young Luigi: That too. I hung around in hopes that they’d accept me. That’s also why I joined the military.
Daisy: I thought it was for attention.
Young Luigi: Attention from these people. When I invited you to the well I had no idea you’d come, because you didn’t even know me!
Daisy: But I did remember you after you left.
Young Luigi: Woo! Score!
Daisy: I always wondered if you could make Koopatrol and be in the newspaper.
Young Luigi: Be sure to tell the real me that at some point. But do you know what day it is?
Daisy: No.
Young Luigi: The day your mom dies!
Daisy: What?! Oh yeah…
FLASHBACK!
Daisy voiceover: Me and the guys went to Mt. Toad.
Daisy: I’m gonna go look for Mom on these mountains.
Goombario/Bub: Okay!
Robertson: Oh forget this, Sarasa! I’m out! You KNOW I hate mountains and yet here I am! You’re always doing this to me! I’m sick of it! We’re done!
Robertson leaves as the others walk along the mountain trail. Robertson passes Luigi. Luigi secretly follows the rest of them to the bridge. At this point Bub and Goombario get scared and run away.
Daisy voiceover: I don’t quite remember the next part.
Young Luigi voiceover: I tried to save you as you started to fall, but I missed and we both fell. Surprisingly we both lived.
Daisy’s dad and some guy run up to the scene. Daisy’s dad picks her up and starts walking away. The other guy starts playing the air guitar.
Guy: What were you thinking, Luigi?! Bringing Daisy to a place like this?! Are you crazy?! She could have died!
Luigi: I told you to stop practicing for the Air Concert! I told you we’re not doing that again this year! And it’s not my fault!
Young Luigi voiceover: You were out cold for a week. You were going to be okay after four days, but a heavy book fell off your overhead shelf and knocked you out for three more days.
Daisy voiceover: That explains why my head feels sore when I see dictionaries now.
Young Luigi voiceover: Then I went into rage and tried to become insanely strong to prove myself. That’s why I tried to become a Koopatrol. That and the attention. And the free dental. I heard about Dimentio at that point.
END FLASHBACK!
Daisy and the Luigis are back in the hub.
Daisy: Why couldn’t you just go out and kill the monsters on the world map around Toad Town?
Young Luigi: Hello?! I was only at Level 1 at the time! I’d die!
Daisy: Wait… With all that happening… That was real. And if I don’t remember them then that means the Shadow Queen had no memories to manipulate… Luigi, that means you’re a real person!
All Luigis: Hot dog!
Mr. Bear: *same deep voice* Hooray.
Young Luigi fades away.
Daisy: Wait…
Daisy goes back north to the Toad Town entrance again, and Luigi follows.
Luigi: Now what?
Daisy: We need to see the Garlic Plant during the Dimentio thing.
FLASHBACK!
Dimentio catches the Starburst Daisy throws at him, and wounds her with it. She falls. The red one that looks like Luigi bursts in.
Mario: Mamamia!
Luigi voiceover: That’s NOT me… That’s… Ma…Mario! That’s Mario! Vivian’s old boyfriend Mario! I remember him now! Yay!
Mario ignores Daisy and runs straight into the QUEEN Room after Dimentio.
Daisy voiceover: Wait… Then where were you, Luigi?
Mario’s tossed out of the room.
Mario: I’m okay!
Luigi voiceover: I was there. I saw everything!
The silhouette of a Koopatrol runs in, takes Mario’s hammer, and runs after Dimentio.
Dimentio: Now Mom- Wait, I sense a disturbance.
Dimentio looks behind him to see the tall Human Koopatrol wielding Mario’s hammer.
Dimentio: You?
Tall Human Koopatrol: REVENGE!
Dimentio: Wha-
The tall Human Koopatrol starts bludgeoning Dimentio’s head with the hammer repeatedly until it looks as if Dimentio is dead.
Tall Human Koopatrol: That’s what you get for being a faulty hero!
He puts the hammer in some kind of pocket and takes a few steps back. Then he removes his helmet. It is Luigi! The tall Human Koopatrol was Luigi the whole time!
Daisy voiceover: That’s it! You were the Koopatrol that was a Human! That’s why all your memories that you remember clearly had the Human Koopatrol in it! You were there the whole time and I had no idea!
Luigi voiceover: I told everyone how I’d be a commander of the Koopatrols and how great I’d be… until I utterly bombed the test and BARELY made Grunt! I wouldn’t be able to live it down so I stayed in disguise the whole time. You never saw me.
Luigi of the past, in his armor, runs back to Daisy’s body and props her up against one of the chambers.
Luigi: Wait here, Daisy. And if a weird monster comes in looking for something he may have left in that opened chamber over there, that’s just Johnson’s uncle Johnson. But he’s cool, so don’t worry. Oh wait, you’re unconscious.
Dimentio, staggering, slowly heads out of the QUEEN Room. He has a Starburst ready in his right hand, and Shadow Queen’s head in the left. Eww…
Luigi: HOLY SHMOLY, WHAT’S THAT IN YOUR HAND?!
Dimentio ignores him and goes into the other room.
Mario: Luigi… get him for me… And if you ever see my girlfriend, tell her I said “hi”.
Luigi: Okay.
Luigi follows after Dimentio.
Luigi: Come back he-
Dimentio shoots his Starburst and knocks the hammer out of Luigi’s hand. He pulls out another Starburst and shoves it in Luigi’s face.
Luigi: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! IT HURTS MORE THAN IT LOOKS LIKE IT DOES! Actually now it kind of tingles- AAAH! NOW IT HURTS AGAIN!
Dimentio smirks.
Luigi: You’re… done for!
Luigi grabs the Starburst and pushes it away from his head and yanks it out of Dimentio’s hand.
Dimentio: ?!
Luigi then throws it at Dimentio.
Dimentio: AAAAAH!
Luigi then picks up Dimentio, still holding the head, and throws him over the edge and into the Garlic abyss.
Luigi: Ha! Take that! Woot! I’m officially awesome now!
Luigi voiceover: But of course that didn’t work because then he and the head traveled along the River Twygz to the North Pole Hole, and now here we are with the Millennium Star and all.
END FLASHBACK!
Daisy and all the Luigis are in the hub again.
Daisy: So you’re all better on the inside now?
Luigis: We think.
All the Luigis form into one ball of green energy until it finally sucks up the large ghost Luigi.
Mr. Bear: Now I’m alone.
Luigi is complete again, standing before Daisy.
Luigi: Hooray! I’m back to normal!
Daisy: So do you get any cool items or anything out of this?
Luigi: Nope… Dang.
Daisy: Well the others are worried sick about us, so we should look for a way out now.
Luigi: How do we get out?
Mr. Bear: Use the warp pipe.
Mr. Bear presses a button under the large, ghostly table and a warp pipe appears between Luigi and Daisy.
Luigi: Thanks, Mr. Bear!
Mr. Bear: No, Luigi. Thank you.
Daisy: Can we go before this gets weirder?
Luigi: Yes.
They hop in. Next thing we know, the entire party is watching over Luigi and Daisy on a shore.
Daisy: Ow, my head…
Merlon: She lives!
Everyone but Daisy and Luigi: Hooray.
Daisy: What about Luigi? I saw him back there… wherever I was.
Petey: Oh, he’s right behind you. He’s still out cold.
Daisy: Oh wait… I’m getting drowsy…
Daisy falls back to sleep.
P.T.: Is she gonna die?
Everyone else: Shh!
Later on though, everyone is awake and in the meeting room on the Gadd Cruiser. And Luigi’s back! Yay!
Luigi: Well everybody, I have a confession. Only recently I just realized I didn’t do any of the stuff five years ago that I said I did.
Wario: I want my money back for listening to that story!
Luigi: I never paid you to listen to me.
Wario: Shh!
Luigi: I was embarrassed that I couldn’t do as well as I wanted, so I stayed in disguise and never spoke to any of the villagers when we went to Toad Town. I was the tall Human Koopatrol, and that red guy was Mario, who ACTUALLY did all that stuff. And due to recent extreme exposure to Garlic I was messed up. I had my memories and the stories told by Mario of everything going on, and I mixed them up into what I told all you guys about. Are we all clear on that now?
Everyone: Uhhhhhh…
Luigi: Too bad! Long story short – I’m back, I’m real, I just discovered myself. But there is one more thing.
Everyone groans.
Luigi: Shut up! In addition to exposing Koopatrols to Garlic, Fawful also injects them with the Essence of Shadow Queen. Some of her is in me right now, which had a lot to do with the reunion at the North Pole Hole. Me and many other Koopatrols were inj-
Wario: Actually they’ve all been promoted to Dark Koopatrols now.
Luigi: Why?
Wario: The Millennium Star! It’s in the sky right now!
Luigi: What?! Aw crud!
Petey: Not to mention the Guardians.
Luigi: Who?
Petey: Five giant monsters released when the Millennium Star was summoned. They’re rampaging around Plit right now.
Luigi: Oh come on!
Petey: Don’t worry, Koopa killed one of them. But another one now has a grudge against Gadd.
Daisy: This is weird.
Wario: I’m confused.
P.T.: Are you gonna leave again?
Luigi: No way! So let’s go… do something!
Everyone: Yay.
They all run out and into the control room.
Luigi: Wait… What ARE we doing?
Elvin: Oh yeah! We heard that Koopa’s gatherin’ Special Badges to load into the rocket in my village so they can blast the Millennium Star to bits! But for some reason we can’t let them do that. We’re headed for Ricco Harbor and their underwater Plant.
Luigi: Sounds like a plan! Wait, what rocket?
Elvin: …
Daisy: It’s good to have you back, Luigi.
The Gadd Flyer then heads for Ricco Harbor.
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