Chapter 1:
Executive Produce:
Tetsuo Mizuno
Tomoyuki Takechi
(Just kidding.)
P.T.: Executive produce? What kind of game/FF is this?!
Koopatrol: JOKE STEALER!
Koopatrol arrests P.T.
P.T.: I regret
nothing!
Chapter 1-1: Starting with a Bang
There are a bunch of overview shots of space when it eventually comes up to Vivian, who is looking at a wall.
Vivian: That was weird…
Vivian walks out of the alley she’s in and you can see that it’s a giant city. Meanwhile over at another part of the city, a train stops at a station. The Three Musty Fears jump out of a train and kill the Koopatrol guards. Then Wario hops out, followed by Luigi. The thing about Wario is… he has a cannon on his right wrist.
Luigi: Wario, take that off your hand!
Wario: Awww!
Wario takes it off to reveal his regular hand.
Wario: Follow me!
Wario runs off. Luigi tries to follow but two Koopatrols appear.
Koopatrols: KILL!
Luigi: Why didn’t you get Wario?!
Koopatrols: BECAUSE!
The Koopatrols run to Luigi, so he retaliates by beating them with his hammer. Luigi then catches up to the Three Musty Fears.
Greaper: Wow, you sure did work for Koopa, all right.
Luigi: When did I tell you that?
Greaper: Uhhh-
Boo: Why is he with us?! He’s a spy!
Dry Bones: Prove it.
Boo: … Dang it, I’m too lazy to! What’s your name?
Luigi: Luigi… I told you already…
Wario runs up.
Wario: STOP HANGING OUT TOGETHER IN A GROUP! We’ll get spotted! We gotta head to the power plant!
Luigi: Why again?
Wario: Garlic!
Everyone Else: …
Wario: Do it or I’ll “forget” to pay you guys again.
Dry Bones: You already did that before we started just because we were in the same train cart as you.
Wario: Excuses, excuses! Just do it!
The Musty Fears leave.
Wario: I still don’t trust you since you worked for Koopa.
Luigi slips Wario a twenty.
Wario: And now I’m over it! Let’s go.
They head to the Power Plant.
Wario: Okay. These run on Garlic energy! And Garlic powers the planet! But Koopa keeps using all of it!
Luigi: Plit… runs on garlic?
Wario: Not just garlic, Garlic! With a capital “G” every time!
Luigi: That’s not weird…
Wario: Whatever! Once we blow up this Power Plant we’re closer to our goal! So let’s get in there!
Luigi: Okay, Mommy.
They all enter the Plant. Luigi and Wario make it to a switch at the bottom.
Wario: This should cause the self-destruct sequence to stop this place.
The switch says “Self-Destruct”.
Luigi: Figure that out all on your own?
Wario: Yeah!
Luigi: Say, why aren’t you as greedy as usual?
Wario: I’m being paid not to.
Luigi: Uh-huh… That’s stupid… Woah! Weird voice in my head for a second there.
Luigi tries to press the button but a giant robot falls from above… and into the abyss below.
Wario: That was close, he almost landed on the platform with us!
Luigi presses the button.
Wario: RUN FOR IT!
Luigi follows Wario, and also finds Boo stuck.
Boo: Help, I’m stuck like the narrator just said!
Luigi: Can’t you phase through it?
Boo: … Oh yeah… Never mind…
Luigi, Wario, and Boo run on out of the Plant. Luigi is the last one out so he leaps out in slow motion.
Wario: Stop fooling around!
Luigi makes it out in regular speed.
Wario: Okay, we’ll all meet back at HQ. Luigi, we’ll pay you then.
Luigi: Okay.
Luigi goes around and finds Vivian.
Luigi: What are you doing walking around while everyone is panicking?
Vivian: I could ask you the same. I’m selling flowers to make enough money so my sister will let me come home.
Luigi: Let me see.
Luigi looks down into her basket.
Flower: YOUR SOUL IS MINE!
Luigi: *girly scream*
Vivian: So I take it you won’t buy one?
Luigi: … Meh, sure, why not?
Luigi buys a flower and Vivian walks off.
Flower: YOUR MOTHER PLAYS CARDGAMES IN THE UNDERWHERE!
Koopatrol: JOKE STEALER!
The Koopatrol arrests the flower and walks off with it.
Luigi: Good thing he didn’t recognize me as one of the bombing guys.
Koopatrol: That’s not my department.
Luigi: Oh, good.
A bell rings.
Koopatrol: Now it is.
Luigi: Oh crud.
Luigi starts running as many more Koopatrols start chasing after him. Luigi jumps off a bridge and lands on top of a train.
Luigi: So long, suckers!
The train goes into a tunnel and Luigi hits the wall and is knocked onto the tracks behind the train. Eventually he catches up and gets in from the back door. Inside…
Greaper: Is Luigi dead?
Wario: Probably.
Boo: Aren’t you supposed to have faith in him?
Wario: Do I look like a charity? If he’s dead that means I can keep my money that I owe him!
Luigi makes it in.
Luigi: Hey guys, I’m back.
Wario: Crud.
Luigi: … Anyway, now what?
Wario: We hitch a ride in one of the GOOD carts and ride all the way back to Area 7.
They went, they did, and it was.
Luigi: That was easy.
Wario: Yeah, we didn’t get caught or set off any alarms or anything! Well, let’s go to HQ.
The alleged terrorists head over to a bar, but Luigi notices a giant column.
Luigi: What’s that?
Goomba: That would the column holding up the ceiling over Area 7. If something happens to it, we all get squashed.
Luigi: Nothing new for someone like you then, huh? Ha!
Goomba: … That was low.
Luigi: Almost as low as the top of your head.
Goomba: … I hate you so much…
Goomba walks off and Luigi heads to the bar. Inside are Daisy, a little ugly girl, and the Musty Fears.
Luigi: Our hideout is a bar… with a pinball machine, all right! I call first game!
Daisy: Luigi, you know that’s not actually a-
Luigi: Can’t talk! Pinball!
Daisy: First, how was your trip?
Luigi: Huh, that? Good, we won, they lost, pinball.
Daisy: But-
Luigi: Pin. Ball.
Daisy: Ugh…
Luigi: I bought you a flower but it kind of got… arrested…
Daisy: … You really need to see someone.
Luigi: Just for that I’m giving it to that little Waluigi-esque kid there! Right after some pinball!
Walaine: Thank you!
Luigi: Sheesh you’re ugly! Like a little Waluigi in a dress! … Oh wait, that flower is still arrested so never mind…
Wario: Okay guys, let’s discuss the next mission! Hi, Walaine.
Wario goes over to the pinball machine and pulls the lever.
Luigi: Hey, I called first!
The pinball machine sinks into the ground to reveal a lower room. The Musty Fears jump in after Wario.
Luigi: Oh…
Luigi jumps in, too.
Luigi: Hey Wario, you forgot to pay me for that last mission.
Wario: Awww… Fine…
Wario pays Luigi 100 coins.
Boo: Okay, it looks like the next target is the Power Plant in Area 5.
Wario: Shouldn’t we go in order?
Luigi: Then they’d catch on!
Wario: Good point. But for that attitude, I get your pay back!
Wario takes Luigi’s pay.
Wario: You can have double that if we can do this next mission right. Which I know won’t happen because of-
Everyone Else: Don’t spoil it!
Wario: Aww… Whatever, you just miss your friends back with Koopa, don’t you?
Luigi: Where did that come from?!
Wario: Stop whining!
Luigi: What?! Oh forget it-
Daisy comes down.
Daisy: Luigi-
Luigi: But-
Daisy: Eh! Do I have to use the flashback?
Luigi: Fine…
Wario: All right, let’s go.
All three of them go back up.
Wario: Walaine, you watch the place while we’re gone!
Walaine: Okay Daddy.
Daisy: What about me?
Luigi: If you wanted me to stay then you’re coming too!
Daisy: Crud.
They all then head to the train station. Eventually the three of them make it to Power Plant 5 and work their way to the bottom similarly to before. Then they also escape, but…
???: Hold it!
Koopatrols appear from one of the three exits and have Wario at gunpoint.
Luigi: (whispering) Daisy, I bet they can’t get ALL of us, let’s ditch Wario!
Daisy: (whispering) Do you NOT see the other guards that have US at gunpoint?
Luigi: Oh…
Bowser appears from another exit.
Bowser: BWAHAHA!!! I’m the mighty Bowser!
Luigi: Koopa…
Bowser: Oh yeah, you guys! I forgot about you…
Wario: We blew up one of your Garlic plants and you don’t even know our names?
Luigi: What IS our group name, anyway?
Wario: Uhhhh…. Bob?
Bowser: Well, “Bob”, I can’t remember everyone’s names! I’m not some kinda Rainman or anything! I CAN remember Dimentio’s name though.
Luigi: Dimentio?
Bowser: Now get ready for THIS!
A Bowser-sized version of Fracktail drops down, separating Luigi from Wario and Daisy.
Bowser: Bye!
Everyone: Bye!
Koopatrol #1: Hey Boss, you want us to shoot our lasers at them while they fight?
Bowser: No way! This is only the second fight in the whole story! Maybe later.
Bowser hops into his Clown Copter and flies away.
Robot: I am Fracktail Mk. II! Prepare for deletion!
Luigi: 100/100
Wario: 150/150
Daisy: 100/100
Vs.
Fracktail II:
250/250
Luigi uses Hammer!
5 damage!
Fracktail II
turns to face Luigi!
Wario uses Ram!
7 damage!
Fracktail II
turns to face Wario and Daisy!
Daisy uses Punch!
Fracktail II blocked!
Luigi: I’m the
only one with a real weapon?!
Fracktail II
uses Orb Laser on Wario and Daisy! 10 damage each!
Luigi: 100/100
Wario: 140/150
Daisy: 90/100
Vs.
Fracktail II:
238/250
Luigi uses Hammer!
5 damage!
Fracktail II
turns to face Luigi!
Wario charges
Final Smash!
Daisy uses Punch!
5 damage!
Fracktail II
turns to face Wario and Daisy!
Fracktail uses
bite on Wario! 8 damage!
Luigi: 100/100
Wario: 132/150
(Charging)
Daisy: 90/100
Vs.
Fracktail II:
228/250
Luigi uses Thunderhand!
10 damage!
Fracktail II
turns to face Luigi!
Wario unleashes
his Final Smash!
Wario uses Wild
Swingding! 100 damage!
Fracktail II
turns to face Wario and Daisy!
Daisy: How?!
Wario: Action
Replay!
Daisy does nothing!
Fracktail II
uses Orb Laser on Wario and Daisy! 10 damage each!
Luigi: 100/100
Wario: 122/150
Daisy: 80/100
Vs.
Fracktail II:
118/250
Luigi uses Thunderhand!
Lucky hit! OHKO!
Fracktail II
shuts down!
Daisy: Action
Replay?
Luigi: No, but
my electrical attacks always have a slim chance of instantly beating an
electrical/robotic monster.
Luigi, Wario,
and Daisy won!
Luigi gained
a level!
Wario learned
his L2 Final Smash!
Daisy got nothing!
Luigi: Well that was easy-
Fracktail II explodes, destroying part of the bridge and causing Luigi to nearly fall, but he grabs onto an exposed wire.
Luigi: Whew.
Wario: You okay?
Luigi: Kinda… How about you guys?
Daisy: We’re not the ones falling.
Luigi: I’m just glad this wire hasn’t shocked m-
It does.
Luigi: AWAWAWAWAWAWAAAAAAAAH!!!
Luigi lets go.
Luigi: Mario, wherever you are, HEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL-
Luigi falls.
Daisy: Luigi!
Wario: Well now
I don’t have to pay him.
Chapter 1-2: Through the Flowers and the Flames
Voice: Are you okay?
Luigi’s voice: I had this weird dream… I was fighting a robot dragon and then I fell while making a reference to a Youtube joke. Then something about dancing oranges…
Voice: Uhhh… Well I don’t know about most of that, but you DID fall…
Luigi’s voice: Huh?!
Luigi wakes up in a church with Vivian nearby.
Luigi: Gah! I landed in a church? It’s a sign! I need to be a better person to people!
Vivian: Actually it’s probably because where you fell was above this place. But if you want-
Luigi: Oh never mind then, I get to be selfish still.
Vivian: You don’t get very many dates, do you?
Luigi: I do just fine, thank you! Speaking of doing fine, how in DAD’s name did I survive that fall?
Vivian: First off, you’re the main character and main characters can only die when the plot calls for it. Thankfully I don’t think our plot calls for anything like that.
Luigi: You’d be surprised…
Vivian: Excuse me?
Luigi: Nothing… yet.
Vivian: And secondly, main characters have the uncanny ability to survive nearly anything. Which I guess could technically still be a part of the first point. But whatever. By the way, do you even remember who I am?
Luigi: You sold me a possessed flower that shortly got arrested.
Vivian: Yep. I thought you’d like to know, it got out for good behavior so you might want to watch out.
Luigi: I just killed a robot dragon and survived a 1,000-foot fall. I don’t think I have to worry about a flower!
A random Floro-Sapien runs in, punches Luigi, and runs out.
Luigi: Ow…
Vivian: Do you have badges?
Luigi: Yeah. I also have the badges that were equipped to my other party members for some reason. So?
Vivian: I have this badge shaped like a white vortex but it doesn’t do anything.
Luigi: Could it be-
Vivian: No.
Luigi: You’re sure? Because in this online walkthrough I read-
Vivian: No it’s not.
Luigi: Oh.
Vivian: I’m Vivian.
Luigi: And I’m Luigi. As if I didn’t already know from reading this script.
Boshi walks in.
Vivian: Luigi, you’re going to have to protect me.
Luigi: From what? Him? He’s harmless!
Boshi is seen eating a cookie. Koopatrols walk up behind Boshi.
Koopatrol #1: Should we kill him?
Boshi: Not now, I’m- Oh wait, I finished. Okay, let’s see… I don’t know yet.
Luigi and Vivian run though the back.
Boshi: That green guy… He had Garlic power! Generic minions, go back to doing… stuff. I’m gonna follow them. Don’t step on the flowers, only Yoshis get to. We’re awesome like that.
Boshi follows Luigi and Vivian. The Koopatrols follow Boshi. Meanwhile…
Luigi: Okay, let’s do this!
Luigi jumps from one rafter to another.
Luigi: Your turn!
Vivian is about to but the Koopatrols shoot their laser guns at her, knocking her to the floor.
Vivian: Luigi, help!
Luigi: You can fight them yourself, can’t you? Aw fine…
Luigi climbs up and finds a barrel.
Luigi: Aha!
Luigi pushes it over.
Luigi: Let’s (Barrel) Roll!
A laser nearly misses Luigi.
Koopatrol #2 (off-screen): Bad pun!
Said barrel lands on said Koopatrol, which shouldn’t hurt under the spiky armor but it does. Luigi beats the other two in a similar way and Vivian makes it back and they’re now on the highest rafters.
Vivian: Out that hole!
Luigi: Wha? Where’d the hole come from?
Vivian: You DID crash through the roof, remember?
Luigi: Oh yeah… But I thought it’d be smaller…
They make it outside.
Vivian: Barely escaped this time.
Luigi: … Wha? There’ve been more times?! When did you deal with the Yoshis?
Vivian: … Excuse me?
Luigi: The Yoshis? The only Yoshis left in the world? Boshi is evidently one of them? Whatever. They’re basically hitmen. So now I take you home? Where do you live?
Vivian: The only good house around.
Luigi: Sounds like a plan.
They start walking (Vivian gave Luigi directions).
Vivian: Did you work for Koopa?
Luigi: Yeah… in the before times…
They come across a town.
Vivian: This guy are sick.
Luigi: What?!
Vivian: I don’t know, I just had the strange urge to say that…
Luigi: Uh-huh…
They soon enter Vivian’s house.
Beldam: It’s about time! Marilyn’s remote won’t reach itself!
Vivian: Okay, is…
Vivian goes upstairs.
Beldam: You! You can stay the night but don’t be here when she wakes up! If she has a boyfriend it’ll be harder to make her miserable.
Luigi: Okay… This isn’t any of my business but you should probably get some form of sibling therapy… or something. But fine.
That night Luigi leaves but Vivian is in the way of the entrance to Area 6, which was supposed to lead Luigi home.
Luigi: How’d you beat me here?!
Vivian: Not important. I’ll lead you to the bar you mentioned in your sleep.
Luigi: Okay…
They cross a broken highway and make it to a park.
Vivian: Okay!
Luigi: Cool. Bye!
Vivian: No.
Luigi: Wah?
Vivian: Not yet at least. But for right now I wanna go down the big slide! Beldam never lets me!
Luigi: Don’t care; let’s just go!
Vivian: Ugh… So how good a Koopatrol were you…? Well you weren’t a Koopa so…
FLASH!
Luigi: *higher-pitched voice* First Class.
Vivian: What just happened?
Luigi: *normal voice* No idea.
Vivian: Uh-huh… My first boyfriend was Fir-
Luigi: If you love him so much then talk to him, not me!
Vivian: …
Luigi: Okay, that might’ve been a LITTLE out of line, I’ll admit-
Vivian: Let’s just go…
The gate to Area 7 opens and a Spiky Goomba driving the Parade Kart drives by with Daisy as the second character racer.
Daisy: Luigi, help!
Luigi: Oh crud…
Vivian: I’ll help!
Vivian goes after Daisy and the Spiky Goomba.
Luigi: No! I can’t let both my girlfriends see each other! That’s never good!
Both Girls’ voices: We’re not dating!
Luigi: Oh, okay then… I’m bored!
Luigi follows Vivian into the hole in the wall that the Spiky Goomba drove into. Luigi notices he’s inside a giant, rundown-
Luigi: Wal-Mart?
Yes.
Luigi: Wow, they really let this place go… I guess that’s what happens when there’s only one supermarket left in the world. That last one wouldn’t be kept too well.
Vivian: Luigi! You followed!
Doogan: What are you lookin’ at?
Luigi: Your mother jk lol.
Doogan: … I c u sp33k teh langwig3 uv teh Wal-Martz… No one likes that, so stop.
Luigi: Aww… Where’s Daisy?
Doogan: She’s at Don Pianta’s mansion up ahead.
Luigi: Okay… Wait, there’s a MANSION inside a Wal-Mart?!
Doogan: Yeah, they sold mansions at one point but one of them never got sold so Don moved in. Everyone else lives in clothing rack mazes and changing closets. This one guy is said to live in one of the restrooms…
Luigi: Uh-huh… I’m shopping here forever now.
They all head to the mansion.
Tony Pianta: Sorry, no one allowed unless they’re a girl or an invited guest.
Vivian: Luigi, I have an idea! We can get you in if we dress you up like a-
Jerry the Bob-omb: NO! NEVER! I SHALL NEVER LET THAT COME TO PASS!
Luigi: Good, because I have a better idea!
Soon enough Brobot crashes into the wall of Don Pianta’s mansion, in his room.
Don: Aaah!
Luigi: Thanks, Bro.
Brobot’s eyes flash in morse code for “You’re welcome” and it lets Luigi and Vivian out before leaving.
Luigi: Give us Daisy!
Don: I don’t have her.
Vivian: But that one guy said-
Don: Phil? That guy’s always lying!
Luigi: Then what was with that Spiky Goomba-
The Spiky Goomba bursts in.
Spiky Goomba: Hey Don! I found a lady to be your fake girlfriend for that convention so the other guys there don’t make fun of you!
Don: Spiky, you blew my cover!
Spiky: Oops.
Daisy: Luigi!
Luigi: Daisy!
Daisy: … Who’s that?
Luigi: This is Vivian. But it’s not like you care since we’re not dating… Unless you want to.
Daisy: No, I’m good.
Luigi: Darn it! Jealousy didn’t work!
Don: Not now! Koopa’s got… stuff going on and General Guy and all that blah, blah, blah.
Luigi: … Okay… What?
Don: They’re gonna blow up the column holding up the roof over Area 7, happy?
Luigi: Actually no! Not at all! The pinball machine is still there! C’mon guys, we have to move!
Daisy and Vivian: …
Don: But first, there’s something you need to know.
Luigi: What?
Don: Kkkkkkkkkk.
Luigi: Huh?
Don: That was a distraction. Look down and you’ll notice that the trapdoor has been activated.
Luigi: Oh, how clever. AAAAAAAAH!
Daisy: AAAAAAH!
Vivian: AAAAAAAAH!
All three fall and land on top of the Super Blooper, defeating it.
Luigi: Let’s move! Oh great…
Both girls are unconscious.
Luigi: Hmm… Who do I care about more? … Oh well.
Luigi wakes both of them up at once (don’t ask how) and they hurry back to Area 7.