Chapter 1 - The Journey Commences
[Castle Bleck Inner Sanctum]
Kamek: Count!
Count Bleck: Bleck! What is it?
Kamek: Mario has defeated the Goomba King. No... not just defeated... flattened. Oh, and he found a hidden item.
Count Bleck: What?! This cannot be, spluttered Count Bleck! Where is he headed?
Kamek: To Toad Town... Also, the jester has betrayed you, it seems.
Count Bleck: I always thought he was shady... Why to Toad Town, though?
Kamek: He seems to be looking for transport to Rogueport.
Count Bleck: BLEH! He is seeking the treasure of the Thousand-Year Door to counter the Chaos Heart... But the Dark Prognosticus foretold me this.
Kamek: Then why are you surprised, my Count?
Count Bleck: Dramatization.
Kamek: ...
O'Chunks: OI! Count, lemme at deh runt, I'll tear 'im a new kilt!
Mimi: Me too, by golly! I don't want to be left out!
Count Bleck: Good, good. O'Chunks, you cut the “hero” off, while Mimi, you go wait for him where the “treasure” is, if he manages to overcome O'Chunks. And Mimi, if you can, steal the treasure. I do not want it falling into the hero's hands.
Mimi: No problem, Count, teehee!
Count Bleck: Bleh heh heh heh... I am satisfied. Do not fail Count Bleck.
Both: HAIL BLECK!
They leave.
Count Bleck: So, a hero wishes to stop Count Bleck? Pitiful attempt! BLECK! It is a shame, however, that Dimentio turned against me...
Kamek: Do you command me, Count?
Count Bleck: I do. Impede this “Mario” and the traitor as much as you can, but in a way that they do not recognize you. Understood?
Kamek: Your wish is my command!
Kamek leaves.
Nastasia: Right, um, Count? There's some rebellion going on in the castle. Bowser's minions are putting up a fight.
Count Bleck: Deal with them as you see fit.
Nastasia: Right away, Count.
****
[Castle Bleck Entry]
Bowser: Urrrrgh... What am I doing here?
Kammy: Lord Bowser!
Bowser toasts Kammy.
Kammy: Ow...
Bowser: Oh yeah, sorry haggy, thought you were that Bleck guy.
Kammy: ... Where are we, my Lord?
Bowser: How should I know?! All I know is that Bleck guy sent us somewhere, and this is it.
Kammy: It looks like his own castle...
Bowser: PFFT! What's his castle got over mine?
Kammy: Should we... enter?
Bowser: You're darn right we're gonna enter! No one humiliates Bowser Koopa, NOBODY!
Kammy: Mario does it all the time–
Bowser toasts Kammy again.
Kammy: Why...
Bowser: Say that again and I'll turn up the firepower... Oh yeah, he's got the Star Rod, right?
Kammy: He does... It seems impossible to defeat him in his current state, my Lord! Should we turn back?
Bowser: No! I'm gonna take it right back! CHARGE!
Bowser runs towards the front doors.
Kammy: These things never turn out well...
Kammy follows.
****
[Toad Town]
Mario and Dimentio enter Toad Town... to find everyone in a huge panic.
Dimentio: You suppose this is because of the castle scene?
Mario: No duh! We gotta calm them down!
Random Toad: WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE!
The Toad then runs into a lamppost.
Mario: What’s going on?!
Another Random Toad: MARIO! Oh maaaaaaan! You’re alive! EVERYBODY! MARIO IS ALIVE!
Other Toads: HE’S ALIVE!!!
Everybody surrounds him instantly.
Mario: Woah! WOAH! What’s-a the meaning of this?
Russ T: Didn’t you know?! Peach’s Castle was destroyed!!!
Dimentio: *in a sing-song voice* Tooold yooou...
Yet Another Random Toad: Yeah, and we need your help!
Mario: Well I know- err... I think HE knows what happened to everybody in the castle.
Dimentio: Do I? I disown all responsibility.
Mario: ...
Dimentio: Of course I know.
Dimentio tells all the Mushroomers what happened.
*15 minutes later...*
Dimentio: ...and thus, KA-BOOM! It fell like a stone into an abandoned well. Of course, being unable to stop it at all, I hid myself perfectly and watched it happen, again as I say, without being able to do anything to prevent it.
Mario: Or you just chose not to.
Dimentio: Well look at my current stats! I can’t stop two flaming castles!
Russ T: Now that you mention it... I also thought I saw... BOWSER’S castle...
Mario: Well we need to get to Rogueport.
Toads: WHAT?! HOW CAN YOU ABANDON US AT A TIME LIKE THIS?!
Mario: It’s to save the Mushroom Kingdom, duh.
Toads: Oh.
Suddenly, Jr. Troopa shows up.
Jr. Troopa: HEY! You’re the guy who ruined my playground!
Mario: Huh? Who's this junior guy? And what playground are you talking about?
Jr. Troopa: Shut up, shut uuuuuuup! I'm gonna kill you for ruining it!
Mario: Mindless killing again...? *sigh* You young kids need a better hobby...
[SPM battle!]
Mario: Awesome.
Mario jumps on Jr. Troopa, but Jr. Troopa gets out of the way before Mario can repeat the jump. Jr. Troopa then dives right back at him, but Dimentio blasts him into the Dojo staircase. Mario then jumps on him again, defeating him. Mario earns 1,000 points... Mario levels up!
Mario: All right! My health rose by 5!
Dimentio: How do you know that?
Mario: Mobile health scanner.
Dimentio: Good thinking.
Russ T: Dear me, what was his problem?
Suddenly a very large yellow block drops from the sky, blocking the way further into Toad Town.
Toads: AHH! NO!
Mario: Woah! What-a the...
Dimentio: No need to worry... I think I can get rid of it...
Dimentio blasts the block, but it doesn't budge.
Dimentio: Or not. Fiddlesticks... I think we'll need a hammer to break it...
Mario: A hammer? Jeez, I don't have one... Erm... Where in Toad Town are we going to find a hammer?
Dimentio looks around for a bit, then suddenly spots a large treasure chest on top of the big house at the opposite end of the fountain (the building with the Star Piece, remember?). He points towards it.
Dimentio: Up there might be it...
Mario: ... Mamamia... Well how are we gonna get it? You said you can't fly because you exuausted your powers, after all.
Dimentio: Hmm... You can still use my dimension-flipping skill.
Mario: Good idea.
Dimentio flips Mario into 2D-mode. Mario runs towards the house, jumps on some balconies he normally wouldn't be able to jump on in 3D because they're flat, and makes his way up to the roof, Dimentio following.
Mario: Hm, this ability is really useful.
Dimentio: Indeed, and we made it up here. Now for the treasure chest...
Mario then notices the chest is locked.
Mario: @#$%!!!
Dimentio: Gah! This is supposed to be PG-13 rated, you know!
Mario: Yeah, yeah... Find the key!
Suddenly the chest speaks from within.
Treasure Chest: *gasp* It's the legendary hero! Oh, how I have waited so long for your arrival!
Mario: Wha?!
Chest: See, somebody locked me in here for 1,000 years, so I've been really bummed out, you know?
Mario: Okaaaay, I see, so... why haven't you tried to get people to open the chest for you?
Chest: Only the hero can do that!
Mario: And you know I'm the hero?
Chest: Uh... well... yeah! Just listen to that big, strong voice of yours!
Mario: ... Fine. We'll let you out. Dimentio, find the... key?
Dimentio: It was behind the chest.
Mario: ...
Chest: Who's that?
Mario: Somebody. Give me the key.
Dimentio: Here you go.
Mario takes the key and opens the chest.
Voice: Oh thank you, thank... nothing! HA! FOOOOOOOOOLS!!!
An evil... thing suddenly leaps out of the chest and curses Mario.
Mario: Waaaa!
Thing: MWAHAHAHAHA!!! You have been CUUUUUURSED! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! Now whenever you stand on an arrow panel, you will turn into a paper airplane! Isn't it awful, worm?!
Mario: ... What in the world are you talking about?
Thing: Wait... You're not miserable about it?! Aw, dang it... You're no fun!
The evil thing goes back into the chest and shuts it, sulking.
Mario: What in the world... was he talking about?
Dimentio: I cannot tell. Err... Perhaps you could try to become an airplane.
Mario: And just how do I do that?
Dimentio: Stand on that panel there, I guess, like he said.
Mario sees a panel with an arrow on it.
Mario: Okay...
Mario stands on it... and becomes an airplane!
Mario: Hey cool! I'm an airplane! WOAH!
Mario takes off... and flies over the yellow block, taking Dimentio with him.
Dimentio: You nearly speared me into the ground like an arrow striking a bulls-eye on a target.
Mario: Sorry.
Toads: HEY! What about us?!
Dimentio: Try pushing it.
Toads: Okay!
The Toads try pushing the Block ahead but it doesn't work.
Toads: *pant, pant, pant*
Dimentio: Too heavy, perhaps?
Mario finds a Hammer under the tree near a house with a spinning roof.
Mario: Hey cool! A Hammer!
Dimentio: A... Hammer... How in... What...
While Dimentio voices his confusion, Mario smacks the block with the hammer, shattering it.
Toads: HOORAY!
They stream through, running over Mario and Dimentio.
Mario: Ow...
Dimentio: Pretty stars...
Russ T: Ah, thank you for that! Without your help I would never have been able to pick up my cake from Tayce T's! Toodle-loo!
Mario: Don't... mention... it... Ow...
Dimentio: Gah... Per...perhaps we should try to replenish our energy.
Mario: Good idea, but there are no Heart Blocks around.
Dimentio: (Wasn't there supposed to be one before he ran into the Goomba Bros?)
[Meanwhile...]
Larson the Bandit: Heheheh... Good find, this Heart Block. Coming here from Rogueport was worth it. Now to get back and set up shop, heheheh...
[Back to Mario...]
Dimentio: What about that Toad House?
Mario: It's closed.
Dimentio: Ah, true that. I suppose we'd better get to the Port of Toad Town and stop delaying everything.
They pass Rowf's badge shop.
Rowf: Howdy, I'm just setting up shop here, but we're not ready yet. We will be soon, though, so if you wanna buy some badges, head down here.
Mario: Uh, yeah, we'll keep that in mind...
Then they see Russ T. again.
Russ T: Noooo! Oh, how words fail me!
Dimentio: Come again?
Russ T: The passage south is completely blocked!
Mario: Nothing should be too great for my great Hamme–
Mario then sees a load of ruin that dropped from Bowser's castle, completely blocking the way.
Mario: - r.
Dimentio: Let me try...
Dimentio blasts the ruins, but again it doesn't work.
Dimentio: Curses! I growl in rage like a rampaging Albino Rhino!
Mario: You can do that?
Dimentio growls like an Albino Rhino.
Mario: ... That's scary.
Toads on the other side of the barrier: Mario! Are you okay?!
Mario: Um, yes I am.
Toads: ALL RIGHT! HE'S ALIVE!
Dimentio: But of course he is.
Toads: We'll try to remove barrier, but it'll take some time! You might want to go around and explore the rest of the Town, Mario!
Mario: (sarcastically) Sounds like a fine idea.
So Mario and Dimentio go back north into the main Toad Town hub.
Mario: What about that house with the spinning roof?
Dimentio: He's out too.
Mario: What?! Come on, no one else wants to help the great Super Mario? The guy who's saved their butts countless times? Sheesh.
Dimentio: ... Let us try going to Shooting Star Summit.
Mario: You said it was destroyed.
Dimentio: That does not dispel curiosity. Come, I shall show you the truth.
Mario: ... All right.
They go through the blue Star door, and see that Peach's castle is gone. Mario is shellshocked.
Mario: Waaaaa... It really is gone...
Muss T: MARIO! YOU'RE ALIVE!
Mario: ... Come on, everyone thinks I died in that scene above?
Muss T: Uh... No, of course not. But it's good to see you up and about!
Mario: All right, so what happened?
Muss T: Well... the castle started rumbling, and I was one of the first ones to get out... Then this sailor man came running out of the castle as it was lifted up by something, and he fell on me and conked me out. I don't remember what happened after that.
Mario: ...
Dimentio: Sailor, did you say? Sounds like the perfect one to get us to Rogueport! Interesting indeed... Ah ha ha ha ha...
Mario: Did you notice an explosion happening?
Muss T: Erm, no I didn't...
Dimentio: Guess we shall just have to explore for ourselves.
Mario: ... Shooting Star Summit?
Dimentio: Precisely.
Mario: Woo, boy... Let's go then...
They make their way to the Summit... or what is left of it. If Mario was shellshocked before, he is absolutely horrified now. Nothing of the Summit remains, just a ruin of two large castles. The area is choked with smoke and ruin.
Mario: Wha... What...
Dimentio: Remember, your actual friends are still alive.
Mario: Oh. Well... that's all right, then... I think...
Voice: Mario...
Mario: WHO SPEAKS WHILE SUPER MARIO IS SOMBRE?!
Dimentio: ...
Voice: It is I...
The Star Spirits appear, all as illusions...
Mario: You...
Eldstar: Mario, our realm is in grave peril, please listen carefully...
Mario: Bowser stole the Star Rod.
Eldstar: Hm? You know of this?
Mario: He used it to power himself up. I saw.
Eldstar: Well... that is not good... But we will explain why he stole it...
Mamar: Many nights Bowser would look to the Stars, and wish "I'd like to trounce Mario" or "I wish Princess Peach would like me."
Mario: Grr...
Mamar: Of course, Stars ignore such selfish wishes. As a result, his wishes were never granted.
Mario: That's good...
Skolar: Bowser... that fiend... When he found out that we weren't granting his wishes, he grew furious. He invaded Star Haven and captured the Star Rod for his own means...
Mario: Of course, he'd want absolute power.
Muskular: It is the–
Mario: Wait! Hold up a second! Dimentio! You said Count Bleck took the Star Rod from Bowser, right?
Star Spirits: WHAT?
Dimentio: It is true. After you were blown out the window, Count Bleck blasted the Rod out of Bowser's hands and took it for his own. Now with it and the Chaos Heart, he is virtually unstoppable... So Bowser has made a bad situation worse.
Eldstar: The... the Chaos Heart? ... This is a grave situation...
Dimentio: I found out about his nefarious goal, as well. He plans to use the power of the Chaos Heart to destroy all worlds and keep them in ruin.
Mario: So, according to Dimentio here, I've got to find the Crystal Heart that's locked away in the Thousand-Year Door underneath Rogueport, and combat it.
Clevar: Well that would be the logical way to counter the Chaos Heart, yes, but the Star Rod's power is indefinite. This Count you speak of may wish that the crystallized Purity Heart never existed.
Dimentio: Ah ha ha ha ha, he will never think of doing that. He desires a challenge.
Misstar: As such, you are not powerful enough to take the fight to this Count Bleck... Two great powers in the hands of a–
Dimentio: Madman.
Misstar: -is terrible to behold.
Clevar: But with the power of the Purity Heart, and our help, you can prevail!
Kalmar: Mario... We are...
The Star Spirits flicker.
Kalmar: Alas... We have nearly tired out our power talking to you...
Eldstar: Mario, you must free us from our prisons. Bowser has imprisoned us in seven different locations... Then we can personally help you...
Mario: I understand.
Eldstar: ... You must... save our world...
The Star Spirits fade and disappear.
Mario: Wow... Just when I thought this Fun Fiction was going to be humorous... it takes a turn to the dark side...
Dimentio: Indeed... But now there is a dilemma... If we don't catch Flavio and explain the situation to him, we may never get to Rogueport and to the Purity Heart... But if we go to Rogueport, then Bowser's henchmen may do something nasty to the Star Spirits... It's your call, my fine-mustachioed plumber. Star Spirits, or the Purity Heart first?
Mario: Hrm... Advice?
Dimentio: I am no councilor. Just make a decision already.
Mario: Fine. I'll go after the Purity Heart then.
Dimentio: Very well! Let us go back! But something confuses me... Count Bleck needed to wed a pure maiden and a raging monster together to call forth the Chaos Heart...
Mario: WHAT?! ARE YOU TELLING ME HE MADE PEACH AND BOWSER MARRY EACH OTHER?! THAT'S NASTY!
Dimentio: No! He had the Chaos Heart already! ... But that is the question. What two did he use call forth the Chaos Heart, if not Peach and Bowser?
[somewhere]
Daisy: MY LIFE IS RUINED!!!
Tatanga: Now now, let's take it slow...
Daisy takes off one of her shoes and starts walloping Tatanga with it.
Tatanga: OW!
[back to Mario...]
Mario: Beats me, but I feel sorry for the poor fellows. I'm just glad it's not Peach or Bowser...
Dimentio: Then... why would he appear here?
Mario: Best not to think about it?
Dimentio: Correct answer. Yes, plotholes do happen quite a bit. Let us go on!
Voice: OY!
O'Chunks lands from out of the air.
Mario: Dude... Wha...?!
Dimentio: Ah ha ha ha ha... well, if it isn't O'Chunks. Salutations.
O'Chunks: YEH! Why are you betrayin' the Count?!
Dimentio: Oh? No no no, it is the other way around, you see. It is Count Bleck who has betrayed ME!
O'Chunks: Yeh? Well wha'ever it is, yer a goner! The Count told me teh stomp both of yeh and tha's exactly what I'm gonna do! CHUNK ON IT!
Mario: Uh... Fine!
[RPG-battle!]
Mario: Argh!
Mario – 15/15HP
Dimentio – 7/15HP
----
O'Chunks – 20/20HP
Mario hits O'Chunks with his Hammer. 3 damage to O'Chunks. Dimentio hits O'Chunks with a Magical Blast. 2 damage to O'Chunks.
O'Chunks: Rrrr...
O'Chunks uses Body Slam on Mario. 4 damage to Mario.
Mario: OW-A! That-a hurt!
Mario – 11/15HP
Dimentio – 7/15HP
----
O'Chunks – 15/20HP
Mario Jumps on O'Chunks. Action command successful! 4 damage to O'Chunks. Dimentio hits O'Chunks with a Magical Blast. 2 damage to O'Chunks.
O'Chunks: ARG! Well, then, how abou' THIS!
O'Chunks starts spinning around like crazy, then extends his fists and slams into Mario. 5 damage to Mario. Mario becomes Dizzy!
Mario: Waaaaaa! Ahh... Mommy, is that you...
O'Chunks: HAR HAR HAR!
Mario – 6/15HP
(Dizzy! for 3 turns)
Dimentio – 7/15HP
----
O'Chunks – 9/20HP
Mario Jumps on O'Chunks... but misses! Dimentio uses Mushroom on Mario. Mario gains 5HP! O'Chunks uses Body Slam on Mario. 4 damage to Mario.
Mario – 7/15HP
(Dizzy! for 2 turns)
Dimentio – 7/15HP
----
O'Chunks – 9/20HP
Mario Jumps on O'Chunks. Action command successful! 4 damage to O'Chunks. Dimentio hits O'Chunks with a Magical Blast. 2 damage to O'Chunks.
O'Chunks: *pant* Arg... Yeh won' defeat me tha' easily...
O'Chunks uses his Spinning Attack on Dimentio. 5 damage to Dimentio. Dimentio becomes Dizzy!
Dimentio: Gah... You... spin me right round... baby... Right round... like a...
Mario – 6/15HP
(Dizzy! for 1 turn)
Dimentio – 2/15HP
(Dizzy! for 3 turns)
----
O'Chunks – 3/20HP
Mario Jumps on O'Chunks... but misses! Dimentio hits O'Chunks with a Magical Blast. 2 damage to O'Chunks.
O'Chunks: ...Can't... last... I'LL GO DOWN FIGHTIN'...!
O'Chunks uses Body Slam on Dimentio. 2 damage to Dimentio. Dimentio faints!
Dimentio: Ugh...
Mario – 6/15HP
Dimentio – 0/15HP
(fainted!)
----
O'Chunks – 1/20HP
Mario: Woo, no more dizziness! Time to pay the piper!
O'Chunks: Wha?! NO!
Mario Jumps on O'Chunks. 1 damage to O'Chunks. O'Chunks is defeated! Mario gained 2,000 points!
Mario: So... Had enough?
O'Chunks: *pant, pant, pant* Wha... Wha' kinda strange li’l man are yeh...? Me chunks failed me...
Dimentio: This is the legendary hero, Mario.
O'Chunks: Maria, eh... I'll remember tha' one, believe yeh me...
Mario: WHAT?! IT'S MARIO! "O"! NOT "A"!
O'Chunks: Marioo? Eh...
Mario: ...
O'Chunks: Now yeh listen ter me, Marioo! If yeh didn' look like a such a wee toddler, I wouldn've taken it so easy on yeh... Next time, though, yeh better bring some chunks o' your own, cause I'll be waitin'.
Dimentio: To be defeated? Yes, we know.
O'Chunks: QUIET, YEH! *to Mario* 'Til we meet again, ey! CHUNKS AWAY!
O'Chunks farts himself into the sky... and strikes Kamek, who's right above him.
Kamek: Wh- GAH!
Both fall down in front of Mario and Dimentio.
Mario: ... Riiight.
Dimentio: Hmm. I think that is all we needed to do. Let us go see if they've cleared the way for us.
Mario: Good idea.
****
[Palace of Shadow – Shadow Queen's Tomb]
Mimi: Gee, waiting here sure is boring... but the Count told me not to touch anything except the treasure. But I can't get at it! I'm so boooooooored...
Someone is watching Mimi from behind the tomb... or someones... It's none other than the Shadow Sirens.
Beldam: Yesss... That little fool is perfect for our plan...
Marilyn: Guh!
Vivian: Aww, she looks so innocent, though...
Beldam: Quiet! ... That's the thing, you see, Vivian. She doesn't know what to expect. Curiosity killed the cat... But we can't kill her, we need her. We must find out who she works for, fool her... and get everything prepared... for the second arising of our queen! Hee hee hee hee hee...
The Shadow Sirens laugh unpleasantly and disappear into the ground. Mimi frowns at the tomb a moment later.
Mimi: ... Golly... Something's wrong...