(This is before any of the actual Paper Mario games ever happened)
Prologue – Plea from a Rogue?
[the Mario house]
Luigi: Gee, Bro, it's awfully quiet. I wonder what everybody at the castle is up to?
Mario: Maybe we should find out.
Suddenly, something hits the front door.
Luigi: Did you hear that?
Mario: No.
Luigi: ... Well I did, I'm-a gonna go check.
Luigi goes to the door and opens it... and finds a dazed Lakitu.
Luigi: Oh! Who are you?
Lakitu: Duuuuude... Look at all the pretty stars...
Luigi: WHO ARE YOU?!
Lakitu: Buh? Uh, oh yeah, I'm Lakil– no, SPIKE. Yeah, Spike. I'm an intern at the Toad Town Mail. The other guy, Parakarry, got hit by a stray Bullet Bill and went six feet under, man. That's why I'm here.
Luigi: Uh, okie-dokie. So why are you here? I don't see a letter.
Spike: Oh crud, I must've dropped it.
Luigi facepalms.
Spike: Will you help me look for it, man? Otherwise my boss will kill me.
Luigi: Yeah, okay. Hey Mario!
Mario: (coming up to the door) What's up, Luigi? Eh, who are you?
Spike: Spike, intern at Toad Town Mail, dropped your letter by accident.
Luigi: And why'd you crash into our door? Ever heard of knocking?
Spike: Some twerp in a jester's outfit threw something at me and I lost control.
Luigi: Well let's find that letter, people-a.
As Spike and the Bros. search around the house for the lost letter, guess who actually has it?
Dimentio: Heh heh heh... Ooh, a letter to the Mario Brothers, interesting. Let's see...
Dear Mario and Luigi...
It is an honor for me to invite you to Princess Peach's castle today. Please come as soon as is humanly possible. There is some information we would like to discuss with the princess regarding lost treasure.
Toadsworth
Dimentio: Oh pfft, nothing worthwhile... Treasure, schmeasure... They do not coincide with my plans... Off to tea, then.
Dimentio, disappointed, crumples the letter and lobs it at Mario's head from a fair distance, then vanishes.
Mario: Huh? Something hit me... It's the letter!
Luigi: What?!
Mario: Looks-a like it's already been read, Luigi...
Spike: Whew, okay, job's done. See you guys around.
Spike floats away.
Luigi; Already been read? *peers at it* Yeah it does... Treasure! The princess-a found treasure, Bro!
Mario: Or they know about treasure... Let's-a go, Luigi!
They leave the house and enter the pipe into Toad Town.
****
[Toad Town]
Mario: Woah! What's going on?!
Toad: Mario Bros! Help! A band of Squiglets are running around Toad Town!
Luigi: Wha... Squiglets? Where do they come from?
Toad: I don't know, but– Ahh! Get rid of them!
Mario: Okay...
Several jumpings later, all the Squiglets flee in terror.
Mario: Yeah, who's-a tough now?!
Luigi: Mario, keep your-a ego to yourself.
Mario: Fine, let's just get to the castle.
They do so.
Peach: Oh, hello Mario, Luigi!
Toadsworth: Good timing, my friends! We are just about to set out for Rogueport! There is a lost treasure there, or so we have found out.
Mario: Treasure, eh...
Luigi: What sort?
Toadsworth: The legendary Crystal Heart. It was forgotten about for nearly 1,000 years. Then a society of Koopa archaeologists found the legendary door! I was informed, as were Kolorado and Professor Frankly. We shall be leaving shortly to find out what shall be. For the Crystal Heart has a very dark secret that could wreak havoc upon the lands. That is why I have called you, heroic Brothers.
Mario: Today?! I haven't-a even shined my boots yet!
Luigi: My cap is all sweaty. Can we go tomorrow instead?
Peach: ... I suppose we can wait a bit. But doesn't it thrill you to find lost treasure?
Mario: I could care less.
Luigi: Not really.
Peach: Urgh...
[1 day later]
Mario: Eh, let's go back to the castle.
Luigi: Okay.
Mario: Wait, what's that sound?
*RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE*
Luigi: It's an earthquaaaaaaaaaake! Yaaaaaaah!
Luigi runs around in circles, falls on the ground, and starts bleating like a sheep.
Mario: What are you, Luigi, a coward-a? Let's get moving!
Luigi: Yeah, okay Bro!
But it's too late. As they run towards the castle, it is slowly moving... up?
Mario: Luigi, quickly!
They manage to get to the castle doors and into the castle.
Flavio: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! My ship! I cannot abandon my ship!
Flavio runs by and falls to his death– no, he falls on Muss T. and is saved.
Muss T: Ow.
[In Peach's Castle, which has been lifted up into the sky by... Bowser's Castle! Gasp! Shocker, innit?]
Mario: All right, who's-a behind all this?!
Bowser crashes in through the window in his Clown Copter, followed by... Kammy and another Magikoopa... Kamek?!
Bowser: Bwahahaha, I lifted your castle into the sky, Peach! Like it?
Peach: No, put it back, you giant evil turtle, you!
Bowser: Flattery won't get you anywhere. Now wait here while I trounce the Mario Bros... Bros? What's that guy doing here?
Luigi: "That guy"?! It's LUIGI!
Bowser: Oh yeah, I keep forgetting. DIE!
Bowser jumps on Luigi, KOing him instantly.
Mario: LUIGI! Wait... How did you move so fast?
Bowser pulls out the Star Rod.
Bowser: This, baby, this! It grants me any wish I want. Meaning I can be... HARDER BETTER FASTER STRONGER!!!
Mario: Daft Punk is lame. Have at you!
Kamek: I'll have my revenge for sure for what you did to me on Yoshi's Island!
Voice: Not so fast, bleh heh heh heh!
Count Bleck appears.
Bowser: What the– WHO IN THE WORLD ARE YOU?!
Count Bleck: Bleh heh heh heh! Bleck! I am Count Bleck, destroyer of systems– I mean, worlds. I'll be taking your princess.
Peach: Excuse me, don't I have a say in this?!
Bowser and Count Bleck: NO!
Bowser: Now die!
Count Bleck: No, it is YOUR game that will end, Bowser Koopa!
[RPG BATTLE!]
Bowser – 25/25HP
Vs.
Count Bleck –
150/150HP
Bowser: Eat this!
Bowser breathes fire on Count Bleck but it doesn't work.
Bowser: Huh?!
Count Bleck: Let me show you TRUE power!
Count Bleck fires a void thingy at Bowser. 3 damage.
Bowser: OW! Why you... That's it! Now YOU'LL see true power, cape boy!
Bowser uses the Star Rod.
Count Bleck: Huh? What is that thing?!
Count Bleck fires another void blast at Bowser... No damage.
Count Bleck: ?!
Bowser: It's your defeat!
Bowser breathes fire on Count Bleck. 5 damage to Count Bleck.
Count Bleck: WHAT?! I am supposed to be invincible, not you!
Mario: ... Can't we join in this battle?
Bowser and Count Bleck: NO!!!
Bowser uses the Star Rod and Count Bleck fires another void blast. The blast hits Mario directly just as a bolt of lightning comes down and sends Mario flying out of the castle to the ground below...
Peach: MARIO!!!
Luigi: BRO!!!
Count Bleck: Why thank you for the distraction.
Bowser: Wait, what are you-
Count Bleck fires another blast; it hits Bowser's hand and knocks the Star Rod out of his grasp. Bowser goes back to normal.
Bowser: HEY! ... Oh snap.
Count Bleck: Enough battling, it's time you came to your own ends! BLEH HEH HEH HEH!
Count Bleck summons a huge void and sucks everybody in.
Peach and Luigi: MARIOOOOOOOO!!!
Bowser: MOMMYYYYY!!!
Once the void is closed up, Count Bleck goes over to the Star Rod and picks it up.
Count Bleck: Oh... So much power exudes from this mystical object... I shall safeguard it for my own ends, and the end of all worlds! No one shall stop me!!! BLEH HEH HEH HEH! BLECK!
Count Bleck disappears... just as Bowser's castle descends and crashes down on Shooting Star Summit with Peach's castle on top of it. Both castles are destroyed in a mammoth explosion, as are the remaining inhabitants inside the castles and everybody within a 2-mile radius of the explosion... Dimentio appears near the scene, in the sky, and is in a rage.
Dimentio: You plumb idiot, Bowser, how could you let Bleck get the Star Rod?! I must get to Rogueport... And I think I shall find myself an accomplice.
Dimentio disappears.
****
[Goomba Village]
Mario is lying in a heap near the village, apparently dead. Suddenly the Star Spirits show up (as illusions) and circle Mario, apparently in shock.
Mamar: Oh no, Mario, he is...
Kalmar: He couldn't possibly be gone...
Eldstar: No. I do not believe it. Mario has survived worse. He is still alive, I can feel it. Now, send him your power!
The Star Spirits relinquish their remaining power into Mario in hope of reviving him.
Eldstar: Please, wake up, Mario. Please...
They disappear... Suddenly, Mario starts to get up.
Mario: Unnnnnngh... What happened...?
Voice: Oh, you had a little fall, that is all.
Mario turns around to see Dimentio behind him.
Mario: Huh? Who are you?! Why am I here? And why are you wearing such tacky shades of purple and yellow on black?
Dimentio: THEY ARE NOT TACKY! Err... Sorry, I am the Master of Dimensions, Pleaser of Crowds... I am Dimentio!
Mario: That's a weird name. But you only answered two of my questions. Why am I here?
Dimentio: Bowser and Count Bleck killed you... At least, I think they did, but the Star Spirits brought you back, my shaggy-mustached plumber.
Mario: Count Who?
Dimentio: The ghoul in the cape and top hat.
Mario: Oh, that guy. Wait, he and Bowser started fighting, didn't they?
Dimentio: Yes.
Mario: Aha! So you were there! What happened?! TELL MEEEEE!
Dimentio: Let's see... After you were blown into the window like a Bullet Bill through a paper mache wall, Count Bleck sent everybody to his own castle. Then he picked up the Star Rod and disappeared. At that, both Bowser's castle and Peach's castle crashed into Shooting Star Summit, and all that weren't sucked into Bleck's void, died.
Mario: ...
Dimentio: I can tell you that nothing happened, and this is all a dream. Would you like that?
Mario: Yes please.
Dimentio: Okay. This is all a dream.
Mario: Good.
Dimentio pinches Mario.
Mario: OW! THAT-A HURT!
Dimentio: Of course it did.
Mario: Then... this ISN'T a dream?!
Dimentio: Quick, aren't you?
Mario: *deep breath* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...
[5 hours later]
Mario: ... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Mario collapses onto the ground, purple-faced and out of breath.
Dimentio: Charming.
Mario: *pant... pant... pant...* How do I get everybody back...?!
Dimentio: That shall be answered in due time. In the meantime I shall accompany you.
Mario: Huh? Why should I trust you?
Dimentio: Hey, I'm the only one here who knows what's going on. I am afraid you haven't a choice.
Mario: No.
Dimentio: ... Please?
Mario: No.
Dimentio: Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease–
Mario: Fine, you're in! Just shut up!
Dimentio: Excellent.
***DIMENTIO JOINED YOUR PARTY! NOW YOU CAN FLIP BETWEEN DIMENSIONS***
Mario: So tell me, how are you involved in this?
Dimentio: I was once Count Bleck's servant, but some time ago I found out his nefarious plan. He wants to destroy all worlds and keep them rotted.
Mario: You're a rogue servant... Oh, so you want to destroy all worlds and create new ones?
Dimentio: Wait, what? Who told you that?!
Mario: No one, I guessed.
Dimentio: Uhhhhh... Your guess is wrong, my friend.
Mario: So how come you didn't take down this Bleck guy?
Dimentio: I'm not powerful enough, sad to say. You are, but you need to be trained up a bit.
Mario: Trained?! For what?
Dimentio: For the final battle! But first, you need the power of the Crystal Heart.
Mario: Wha?! How do you–
Dimentio: I know all about the history of the Chaos Heart and Purity Heart. Thanks to some handy eavesdropping skills I have, I learned all about it. Count Bleck wants to use the Chaos Heart to destroy all worlds. The Purity Heart is supposed to counter it. Some time ago, however, it was crystallized and locked away in the Thousand-Year Door as a means to hide it and defend it from beings such as Count Bleck. It is to there we must go to find it if we ever wish to stop Count Bleck.
Mario: And what about the Star Rod?
Dimentio: Er, yes, that is a problem I did not foresee. That is all Bowser's fault. I thought he had another ridiculous plan where you would stomp him in the end, but I hadn't counted on him stealing the Star Rod from Star Haven. With Bowser defeated, now it is in Count Bleck's possession. With its power and the Chaos Heart, together their power is making the Count virtually unstoppable at the moment.
Mario: ... Great...
Dimentio: So, what are we waiting for? Let us go. And we'll have to walk. I have exhausted my magical powers at the moment.
Mario: Even greater...
Dimentio: Now now, manners are of utmost importance. Let us go to Toad Town and see what has happened. It is from there we can find a ship to Rogueport.
Mario: Fine, let's go. By the way, a Lakitu told me somebody in a jester's outfit threw something at him. That wasn't you, by any chance-a?
Dimentio: Uh, nope, not me.
Mario: Oh. All right.
Goombaria comes into view.
Goombaria: Eek! Who are you?
Mario: It's-a me, Mario! ... Sorry, habit. And you?
Goombaria: I'm Goombaria. Nice to meet you!
Mario: Yeah, er, we need to get to Toad Town. Quickly.
Goombaria: No problem. Come with me, the gate's just up ahead.
Voice: MARIO!
Mario: Whuh?
Kamek appears on a broomstick.
Mario: You! What are you doing back here?!
Kamek: Join Count Bleck. You will love it.
Mario: Does he serve spaghetti?
Kamek: ... No.
Mario: Then NEVER!
Kamek: He does have cheese, though.
Mario: Lemmy's Land gags don't work in this Fun Fiction, sorry.
Kamek: Curses. Well, join anyway! It's not like you have a choice.
Mario: I thought you worked for Bowser, you old crab?
Kamek: Not anymore. We all fell under his assistant's spell. And so I'm here to tell you that your efforts are futile. Oh, and to laugh evilly at you. So... mwahahahahaha! Yeah.
Goombaria: Ugh! What is that weird, ugly, flying thing?
Kamek: UGLY?! WHY YOU–
Kamek zaps Goombaria and turns her into a Goomnut.
Goombario: HEY!
Kamek does the same to each member of the Goomba family.
Mario: Uh... You do realize I didn't really care about them, right?
Kamek: Um... yes... HAIL BLECK!
Kamek disappears.
Dimentio: That was interesting.
Mario: I'd say so. Well, let's get outta here.
Voice: Not so fast!
Mario: What now...?
A figure appears.
Figure: Buh huh huh! I thought you'd go to Rogueport.
Mario: And you are...?
Figure: Crump. Lord Crump. And I overheard you and the jester talking about where you're gonna go. Y'know, it concerns me! So I'll just have to kill you now.
Mario: ... You're stupid.
Lord Crump: DIE!
[RPG battle!]
Mario: An RPG battle? I hate those... They take way too long...
Mario – 10/10HP
Dimentio – 15/15HP
Vs.
Lord Crump –
5/5HP
Mario: Hey! How come you have more HP than me?
Dimentio: I have no clue.
Mario uses Jump on Lord Crump. Lord Crump takes 1 damage. Dimentio uses Magical Blast on Lord Crump. Lord Crump takes 2 damage.
Lord Crump: Uhhhh... Flee!
Lord Crump flees the battle.
Mario: ... What a loser.
Dimentio: I'd say. Let us forge on.
They enter the path ahead, and smash some Goombas easily, then encounter the Goomba Bros.
Goomba Bros: HALT!
Mario: Who are you freaks?
Dimentio: Now now, there's nothing wrong with freaks.
Mario: Yes, there is. To me, anyway-a.
Red Goomba: Goomba King says you go no further.
Blue Goomba: Yeah. So get lost.
Mario: If he wants me stopped that easily, why isn't he here now?
Red Goomba: Uh...
Blue Goomba: Well...
Red Goomba: He's on vacation.
Blue Goomba: On Lavalava Island. Yeah.
Mario: So you're the sole protectors of the fortress ahead?
Red Goomba: Yeah. Wait! How'd you know there's a fortress ahead?
Mario: I can see it.
Red Goomba: Oh. Well... Die!
[RPG BATTLE!]
Mario: Not again!
Mario – 10/10HP
Dimentio – 15/15HP
Vs.
Red Goomba –
7/7HP
Blue Goomba –
6/6HP
Mario uses Jump on Red Goomba. 1 damage to Red Goomba.
Red Goomba: OW! What the...
Dimentio uses Magical Blast on Blue Goomba. 2 damage to Blue Goomba.
Blue Goomba: GAH! I'm hit! Diver down...
Mario: Loser.
Blue Goomba: Ha! Psyche!
Red Goomba uses Headbonk on Dimentio. 1 damage to Dimentio. Blue Goomba uses Headbonk on Mario. 2 damage to Mario.
Mario: Hey! 2 damage?!
Blue Goomba: I have a Power Plus Badge with me.
Mario – 8/10HP
Dimentio 14/15HP
Vs.
Red Goomba
- 6/7HP
Blue Goomba -
4/6HP
Mario uses Jump on Blue Goomba. 1 damage to Blue Goomba. Dimentio uses Magical Blast on Blue Goomba. 2 damage to Blue Goomba.
Blue Goomba: Uh oh, I really am losing health now...
Red Goomba: It's time for our special team attack!
Blue Goomba: ... OH YEAH!
Goomba Bros: THE GOOMBA BROS. SPECIAL SPINNING ATTACK!
The Goomba Bros. spin around on the spot and suddenly slam into Mario. 5 damage to Mario.
Mario: OUCH! That really hurt, you know!
Dimentio: Blue Goomba is almost done, though.
Mario: Oh yeah.
Mario – 3/10HP
Dimentio - 14/15HP
Red Goomba -
6/7HP
Blue Goomba -
1/6HP
Mario uses Jump on Blue Goomba. 1 damage to Blue Goomba.
Blue Goomba: NOOOOOOO!!! I'm melting... Meeeeeeeeeelting... Oh the horror, THE HORROR!!! Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh–
Mario: Just die already.
Blue Goomba dies.
Red Goomba: BLUE!!! NOOOOO!!! I'll kill you for that, Mario!
Mario: Sure you will.
Dimentio gives Mario a Mushroom. Mario recovers 5 HP.
Mario: Where'd you get that?
Dimentio: Internet.
Red Goomba: Grr...
Red Goomba uses Headbonk on Dimentio. 1 damage to Dimentio.
Mario – 8/10HP
Dimentio - 13/15HP
Vs.
Red Goomba
- 6/7HP
Mario uses Jump on Red Goomba. 1 damage to Red Goomba. Dimentio uses Magical Blast on Red Goomba. 2 damage to Red Goomba.
Red Goomba: Uhh... Fine! Guess I'll have to use this.
Red Goomba takes out a Shooting Star and uses it. 6 damage to Mario and Dimentio.
Mario: OW!
Dimentio: GAH!
Red Goomba: Yeah, you like that?
Mario – 2/10HP
Dimentio - 8/15HP
Vs.
Red Goomba
- 3/7HP
Red Goomba: Oh crud.
Mario and Dimentio use their attacks to finish off Red Goomba. Red Goomba dies. Mario gets 1,000 points, yay!
Mario: Okay, that's over with. Now where do we go?
Dimentio: Toad Town.
Mario picks up the Power Plus Badge left behind by Blue Goomba and puts it on. Mario's attack power increases by 1!
Mario: Right. Let's go to the fortress.
They reach the fortress.
Goomba King: GAH HA HA HA HA! SO! YOU DEFEATED MY MINIONS, BUT GUESS WHAT? YOU'LL NEVER DEFEAT ME! I'M TOO BIG! GAH HA HA!
Mario: Uhhhhhhh... Yes we will!
[SPM-style battle!]
Mario: Oh good, it won't take as long, then.
Mario manages to jump a bit higher than the Goomba King's height, and bounces on the Goomba King's head repeatedly, preventing him from moving. At all. Goomba King eventually dies. Mario earns 2,000 points!
Mario: That was easy.
Dimentio: Hmm... No way to cross the chasm. Err... What are you doing?
Mario: Checking the bushes to find coins. We need some to buy items.
Mario finds a switch.
Mario; Ooh, must hit!
Mario jumps on the switch... and a huge bridge appears out of thin air, landing on the fortress and crushing it thinner than a sheet of paper.
Mario: ...
Dimentio: ... That was useful. Well, let's go on, like Dorothy and the Scarecrow on the Yellow Brick Road!
Mario: Okay. But first, let's pick up this Super Shroom over here.
Mario crosses the bridge, goes to the area south of the bridge, and hits the hidden block. A Super Shroom pops out.
Dimentio: ... How did you...?
Mario: I can smell a Mushroom from over a mile away, even if it's hidden.
Dimentio: ... That may come in handy, yes, sure. Let's go.
Mario eats the Super Shroom. Mario gains 8HP, and he and Dimentio leave the area for Toad Town. Kamek watches them from above.
Kamek: Destroyed Goomba King... and I mean destroyed. No damage taken at all. That's not good. And he found a hidden item, just like that. Better inform Count Bleck and stop ranting...
Kamek flies off.