It was a dark and stormy night. Of course, many nights start out dark and stormy. Then they can become bright and sunny. Of course, bright and sunny nights aren’t really nights at all, but rather days. And it’s impossible to sleep during the day. Unless you’ve been kept up all night by the dark and stormy night…
Where was I? Ah, yes. It was a dark and stormy night. Mario, the mentally fragmented hero, tossed and turned in his bed. Of course, Mario’s younger brother, Luigi, ran in to comfort him.
“Hey, Brother!” Luigi yelled in his trademark Italian accent. “What’s-a wrong?”
To answer him, Mario had a quick spasm and screamed “I NEED TO GO TO THE POTTY!” right in Luigi’s ear, prompting Luigi to scream loudly; whether because of his eardrum being damaged or because Mario had begun relieving himself was not clear.
Twenty minutes later, after Luigi had changed, punched the wall a few times, and written a number of threatening letters which were then torn up, he came back into Mario’s room, still trying to maintain cheeriness.
“Hey, Brother!” he said through gritted teeth. “Can’t sleep?”
“I’m-a Mario!”
“Uh,” Luigi wondered whether this was a cryptic message and decided not, “well, there’s a cheese festival down the street. Wanna go?”
Mario had already
left, resulting in Luigi’s deep-rooted fear of loneliness spurting out
of his mouth in the form of, “Huh? Hey, wait for MEEEEEE!”
Several hours later, Luigi and Mario had fully toured the annual festival of cheese, gotten the free samples, and spoken with Bill E. Gout, owner of the cheese foundation. Luigi summed it up masterfully in one sentence.
“How boring.”
“How cheesy!” Mario quoted from Lord Cheesyson’s Book of Cheese while eating his free samples.
“Sheesh.” Luigi looked on, disgusted, at Mario’s meal of Goat Cheese with Curry. He spied something more interesting- three purple, female specters that were intimately familiar with the Brothers (and I mean INTIMATE!). “Hey, look, it’s Vivian and her sisters!”
“Leave me alone, Beldam!” spat the prettiest of the specters, a thin girl with pink hair and a red-striped hat.
“Not until you give me that box!” retorted another, a short thing with a long nose, gray hair, and a blue hat.
“Duhhhh...” added the third, the most thickset, with short blonde hair and a yellow hat.
Mario spied the three specters. “It’s-a them, the Shadow Sirens!”
“Help!” screamed the pretty one, “Somebody help!” Her commands were immediately obeyed by a couple of security guards who approached the sisters.
“Yikes!” Beldam, the short one, shrieked. “C’mon, Marilyn, you oaf!” she commanded the fat one. She began gliding away from the guards as fast as she could.
“Duhhhh...” Marilyn responded, following.
“I’ll get that box, Vivian!” Beldam screamed back at the pretty one. “Just you wait!”
“Duhhhh...”
The next night, which was also dark and stormy, Mario found himself tossing and turning in bed once again. Luigi entered, bracing himself.
“Hey, Brother! There’s a party over at the festival of-”
“WHEN DOES IT START?!” Mario roared, breaking every window in the neighborhood along with Luigi’s eardrums.
Twenty minutes later, once Luigi had regained nearly complete control of his head while Mario sat patiently sucking on Luigi’s toes, Luigi was able to speak. “It started twenty minutes ago.” he said weakly.
“Let’s-a go!” Mario whooped as he sped out the door with a speed that rivaled the cheetah.
Luigi was overcome
with loneliness and sped after him, whining, “Huh? Wait up!”
The annual festival of soda pop contained live interviews with Ian Matthew Fizzy, free samples of Fizzy’s latest inventions, and an interactive tour of a ten-foot by three-foot area. Luigi, again, masterfully summed it up.
“How boring.”
“How fizzy!” Mario sang, letting out a belch so loud that Luigi dropped to the floor and stuck his head in the ground like an ostrich.
“Ugh.” Luigi spat out a few worms and raised his head. “Hey, it’s those three again!”
“Gimme the box!” Beldam was roaring at Vivian, using a number of, um, creative terms.
“Never!” Vivian cried, folding her arms.
“Duhhhh...” Marilyn added.
“What do you want with the box?!” Vivian wept, turning away from the other two.
“To open it, of course!” Beldam cackled. “Gimme!”
“O-open it?!” Vivian stood up to her full height, which was several feet taller than Beldam. “You must NEVER open it! You realize what happened the last time...” she paused, “...SHE was released!”
“Yes!” Beldam confirmed. “Marilyn, get the box!” she ordered.
“Okay.” Marilyn smiled dully. “Duhhh...” She began to cackle in a near-perfect imitation of Beldam. “Gimme, gimme!”
“No!” Vivian said angrily.
“GIMME! GIMMEEE!” Marilyn roared.
“You’ll never open this box!” Vivian retorted.
“GIMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEE!” Marilyn began to take on a startling transformation. Her gloved hand waved for a second and she grew about ten times bigger, towering over Vivian. “GIMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
“Eek!” Vivian faltered for a second, deliberated for another, and then sped off in the opposite direction, screaming, “No! I’ll never give you the box!”
“Looks like Vivian needs help!” Luigi remarked, watching the huge Marilyn stomp after her. He put on his “hero face”.
“Okey-dokey!” Mario agreed. He raced after Vivian, caught her, placed her on the ground, and began violently kicking her. Marilyn stopped and watched, slightly confused.
“Ow!” Vivian howled as Mario gave her a kick in the eye. “Stop it, you psycho!”
“On the other hand,” Luigi pondered, “Mario also needs help. MENTAL HELP!”
Mario’s madness had reached a level known only as “ten”. He jumped on top of Vivian, knocked the air out of her, and bared his arm, revealing something tucked in his sleeve.
“Ow!” Vivian howled. Then she spied Mario’s arm. “Hey, what’re you doing-”
“Fire Flower!” Mario bellowed.
The resulting screams threw Luigi back five feet, brought the entire festival to the ground, and destroyed several buildings along with several eardrums.
“That’s IT!” Luigi roared once he had regained control of his wildly spasmodic body, which took about ten minutes, by which time Vivian was near death. In possibly the low point of his career, he raced up and kicked Mario. In response Mario pivoted on the spot and kicked Vivian, who leapt up and kicked Marilyn, who turned and kicked Beldam, who in turn went flying out of the festival, and the country.
“Huh?” Marilyn turned her head, looking for Beldam. “WAAAAIIIIIT FOOOOOOR MEEEEEEEEEE!!!” She grabbed Vivian with one of her gigantic hands and all the soda pop in the other, and raced out of the festival.
“Owowowowowow!”
Mario said for no reason. Luigi sighed.
The next night, which was, predictably dark and stormy, Luigi entered Mario’s room wearing a thick sheet of armor and a pair of huge earplugs.
“You look-a funny.” Mario giggled.
“As long as it protects me from you,” Luigi muttered. “Hey, Mario, Vivian wants us.”
“You-a talk funny.” Mario giggled.
“C’mon, Mario,” Luigi growled.
“You-” Mario began. “OWOWOWOWOW!” he screamed as Luigi took him by the ear and dragged him out the door.
At Vivian’s house, which was conveniently located far outside the Mushroom Kingdom through a maze of warp pipes and puzzles, Luigi dragged Mario in. Luigi was “conveniently” battered and bloody, with his armor and earplugs melted all over him by a Fire Flower.
“Thank goodness you’re here!” Vivian moaned, tactfully ignoring Luigi’s appearance. “You must protect the box!”
“What’s in the box?” Luigi asked with difficultly through a sheet of melted iron.
Vivian took her pointy red hat off and took a small box with intricate carvings from under it. “The box is the prison of-”
Suddenly Beldam and Marilyn, back from their thirty-second vacation, leapt (or, perhaps, glided quickly) into the room.
“OH NO, THEY’RE HERE!” Vivian wailed, with perhaps more surprise than was necessary, as the three of them shared the house.
“Give us the box!” Beldam snarled.
“Never!” Luigi snarled back, though he was unsure of exactly why he was protecting it.
“Guys...” Vivian was staring at her gloved hands.
“WHAT?!” all of the others screamed, as they were already in the midst of tearing each other limb from limb.
“Where’s the box?”
Everyone looked at each other, and then turned to Mario, who was rubbing his large stomach and smiling. “It-a needed some salt, but I-a have no major-a complaints.”
“OH NO!” screamed Luigi. Mario was far too fat already.
“OH NO!” screamed Beldam. That box was her only chance!
“OH NO!” screamed Vivian. This could be the end!
“OH NO!” screamed Marilyn. That box could wreak havoc with her precious Mario’s digestive system.
“YOU IDIOT!” Beldam roared. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?!” Mario didn’t.
“SPIT IT OUT, MARIO!” Vivian screamed as if to a dog. “NOW!”
Mario hacked, held his stomach, coughed, banged his head into the wall, and spat out a rubber duck.
“So that’s where that went!” Luigi said, momentarily distracted by Mister Squeaky.
Mario hacked, held his stomach, coughed, banged his head on Marilyn’s stomach, and spat out a very large bathtub. “Hey! That was mine!” Vivian said quickly. She lied.
Mario hacked, held his stomach, coughed, banged his head on Luigi and knocked him out, and spat out a large selection of overlarge dresses. “MIIIIIINE!” Marilyn grabbed them. They didn’t fit over her head.
Mario hacked, held his stomach, coughed, banged his head on the door and knocked it down, and spat out an entire cauldron filled to the brim with a green liquid that spattered over Luigi, who melted.
“Idiot,” Beldam muttered. She failed to mention that it was hers, as that would incriminate her with the local authorities for the melting of several thousand people.
Mario hacked, held his stomach, coughed, banged his head on a passing Twilighter, and spat out the intricately carved box.
“GET IT!” roared Vivian, Beldam, Marilyn, and Luigi. They all made a dive for it. Amazingly the short Beldam got there first, due to the fact that Luigi couldn’t move since he had melted, Vivian was busy saying the countercurse for the melting, and Marilyn was dancing.
Beldam cackled wickedly, as Vivian un-melted Luigi. “So long, suckers!” She threw open the lid to the box, which took about ten minutes, since the hinges were rusty. The others waited politely for her to open it. When it was finally opened, a strong force, like a hurricane-power wind, began sucking at everyone in the room.
“Woohoo!” Mario whooped, and threw himself, lips puckered, at Beldam. Before he got anywhere near her, he was sucked into the box, shrinking on the way in.
Vivian shrieked and began gliding away. The wind pulled at her tail and she was quickly sent spiraling into the box.
Luigi screamed in a most unmanly fashion and ran for the door, but was quickly pulled back and into the box.
“Duhhhhh...” Marilyn grinned, and stuck her hand in the box to reach around for Mario. She was immediately sucked in too, though it was slightly difficult for her to fit.
Beldam cackled
wildly, which caused her to accidentally drop the box, which, in turn,
caused her to be forced headlong into the box. “OH NO!”
Inside the box, which had the look (and smell) of a dusty ancient tomb, the Shadow Sirens and Mario Bros. had spread rather far apart.
“Stick close, guys!” Vivian warned. “There’s no telling what’s going to happen!”
“Stick close?!” Beldam groaned. “I’d rather-”
Vivian gave Beldam an I’ll deal with you LATER look.
“Er...” Beldam corrected herself. Her wicked smile had turned to a frown. “Stick close...”
“Wooho-” Mario began to whoop. He was stopped in mid-sentence, though, and dropped to the ground with a pained look on his face. Luigi put the remains of his lucky Poison Mushroom into his pocket and turned to Vivian. “You said this was a jail for someone, Vivian. Who?”
Vivian sighed. “The... The Shadow Queen...”
Luigi turned pale. The Shadow Queen, though he had never seen her personally, was a horrifying demon that Mario had once fought with Vivian’s help. Beldam and Marilyn had been responsible for letting the Queen free.
“That’s why we have to keep an eye on my sisters!” Vivian whispered. “They could-”
“Wh-where’d they go?” Luigi whined. No one but the two of them was in the area.
“A-And where’s Mario?” Vivian whined.
A sinister cackle that was so obviously from Beldam that I won’t even print it here- oh, wait, I did- echoed from far off.
“That sounds like Beldam!” Vivian screamed, and she whooshed off around a corner, Luigi racing after her. After rounding several twists and turns, they found Beldam cackling, Marilyn drooling, and Mario dancing in front of a box that, from their perspective, looked quite large. It was chained and locked.
“A box inside a box.” Luigi pondered the conundrum. “Can this possibly get any weirder?”
Vivian glared at him. “This box was on the Titanic, witnessed the Boston tea party, and CONVINCED BOWSER TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS!”
Luigi stared at her. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
Vivian rolled her eyes to show she was joking. “That box contains the Shadow Queen!”
Luigi pondered another conundrum. “I thought THIS box contains that Shadow Queen!”
Vivian stared at him. “It does...”
“But... Never mind...”
“They CAN’T open it!” Vivian looked happily at the locks and chains.
“That’s great!”
“However...”
“You don’t mean...”
“Yup.”
“Mario!” Beldam shrieked, “That lock is made of cheese!”
Normally this wouldn’t have been the best thing to say, as Mario was totally lactose intolerant, but he didn’t know that, so, with a hearty “CHEEEEEEEEESE!” he grabbed the lock and began devouring it, chains and all. The large box began to creak open.
“NO!” wept Vivian and Luigi.
“YES!” cackled Beldam.
“Duhhhhhh...” added Marilyn.
As a darkness that can only be described as “dark” seeped from the box, several things took place. First of all, there was what could be called an explosion from within the box they were in. Every one of them conveniently flew into the Mushroom Kingdom. Secondly the castles, cabins, and huts of the kingdom began to morph and transform into hideous monsters. Jails broke open, and every living villain that had ever plagued the world broke out into the open world. Third, Mario went.
“Oh no...” Vivian moaned as she came to. “It has begun.” And she wasn’t talking about Mario going.
The sky turned a mixture of red and black like the deepest blood. Villains large and small terrorized the city, stealing and murdering, taking advantage of the pandemonium.
Luigi let out a girlish scream. “It’s her!”
The Shadow Queen streaked across the sky, blackness flowing behind her. Princess Peach ran screaming from her castle, pursued by several monsters that had once been her makeup kit.
“Look out, Peach!” Luigi screamed, despite him being much too far away for her to hear. The Queen swooped down, spiraling down upon the princess. There was a flash, and the Queen disappeared. In her place was the princess, smiling wickedly, all of her clothes turned dark.
Beldam, grinning wickedly, and Marilyn, drooling, strode up to the princess. Luigi and Vivian followed at a safe distance. Mario skipped after them.
“Welcome to Plit, my Queen.” Beldam bowed as low as she possibly could.
“Very nice...” hissed Peach. “Now, the one who released me shall be rewarded.”
Vivian gasped and whispered, “So that’s why Beldam released her... so that she could be rewarded.”
“So what do you desire?” Peach said, in a voice that definitely was not her own.
“Well,” Beldam cackled, folding her arms smugly, “I-”
“Not you!” Peach said angrily. “The one who released me!”
Beldam did a double-take. “But-”
“So what do you desire,” Peach glared at Beldam, “MARIO?”
Vivian looked at Luigi. Luigi looked at Beldam. Beldam looked at Vivian. They all fell over.
“Mario? WISHES?” Luigi moaned. “We’re doomed!”
“Look on the bright side!” snapped Vivian, getting up. She had a bit of a crush on Mario. “Maybe he’ll wish for the Shadow Queen to go back in the box!”
“Maybe...” Beldam hissed, as though she thought this was the most unlikely thing anyone could ever think of.
“So what do you desire?” Peach repeated, examining her fingernails.
“I desire...” Mario said in a deep, powerful voice. He paused to spread the drama. “For me, Luigi,” he nodded at his brother, “and the Shadow Sirens...” he nodded at the three specters. He then smiled confidently at Peach. He paused. Tension built. Marilyn fainted.
“...to be put to death! YAAAAAAAY!”
Beldam threw herself to the ground and began beating at it with her fists. Luigi banged his head against a tree. Vivian began strangling him as if it was his fault.
“Okay,” Peach/Shadow Queen raised an eyebrow. “you are an idiot. But, you will be put to death.” She shrugged.
Luigi let out a roar worthy of a T. Rex. “MARIO, YOU-” He then began an extreme rant that contained every swear word you can think of, and many you’ve never heard, and many Luigi made up on the spot. Beldam tried to force herself into Marilyn’s mouth, and Vivian continued angrily strangling Luigi. In literally no time at all, due to the Shadow Queen’s immense powers, they were all in separate cells in the rusty, bone-filled dungeons.
“You will be put to death tomorrow,” the Shadow Queen’s voice floated in. “Enjoy your stay!” She began cackling loudly until she started coughing violently and had to stop.
“MARIO!” Luigi roared for the umpteenth time. “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!”
“I’m-a Mario!” Mario answered with a wise nod.
“Wonderful answer.” Vivian moaned.
“Thank you.” Mario bowed so low that he fell over. He began doing cartwheels.
“She was being sarcastic,” Beldam groaned.
“So?”
“Duhhhhh...” Marilyn added.
“This is going to be very fun,” Luigi hissed, rattling the bars.
“No kidding.” Beldam banged her head against the wall and accidentally knocked herself unconscious.
“There has to be some way to get out of here!” Luigi began searching the bars and brick walls for weak points. Suddenly, he stopped. A smile spread over his face, ABD he raised his leg and kicked the wall with all of his might.
“OW!” he screamed, falling backwards.
“Looky!” Mario cheered, dancing around in his underwear.
Luigi took one look at him and began screaming once again. “MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!” After a number of spasms and chokes, he passed out. The Shadow Sirens looked at him angrily.
“Calm down.” Vivian growled, despite Luigi being unconscious. “And Mario, get dressed.” There was a hint of pleading in her voice.
“Okeydokey.” Mario whooped, and put his pants on his head. He began parading around the cell, striking poses.
“That lousy Queen!” Beldam muttered, picking herself off the floor. “I’ll never be loyal to her again!” She continued her haughty rant, unaware of the fact that Princess Peach, aka the Shadow Queen, had materialized behind her.
“Uh, Beldam...” Vivian whispered, staring at the Queen.
“I mean, what a loser!” Beldam continued. “She’s ugly,” she stretched her mouth out into a froglike expression, “she’s dorky,” she began gliding about haughtily, imitating the Queen’s walk, “and she’s really, really...”
“Uh oh,” Marilyn said, the first intelligent thing she had said in her entire life.
“Oh no!” Vivian rattled the bars.
“...stupid!” Beldam finished, and puffed out her chest proudly.
“STUPID, EH?!” the Shadow Queen thundered. Beldam spun around, filled with apologies and compliments, but the Queen would have none of them. With a blast of black lightning from Peach’s fingertips, Beldam was completely and utterly obliterated, leaving only a smoldering blue hat.
The Shadow Queen calmed herself, and Peach’s face relaxed into a sweet smile. “Let that be a lesson to you others who wish to defy me!” she said in one breath.
Vivian, who had been silently weeping, protested, “But we’re already being put to death anyway!”
“Muhhhhh...” Marilyn added. She, also, was crying, but it was unclear whether this was from the horror of seeing her sister obliterated or from the horror of seeing Mario with his pants on his head.
“SILENCE!” the Shadow Queen roared, losing control. Within seconds, Vivian and Marilyn were just smoldering hats. The Queen frowned for a second, then dematerialized.
A while later, Luigi came to. He glanced at his fellow cellmates, and saw three smoldering hats where the Shadow Sirens had been, and Mario with pants on his head, striking poses. Overcome, he passed out again.
“Chowdown!” Mario whooped, speaking for the first time in several hours. He took hold of the bars and bit them, hard. “Owowowow!” Seconds later he was unconscious, teeth broken, bars intact.
“YOWCH!” howled the bars. The bars on all of the cells disappeared, leaving a strange beast wearing a sheet over his body, a party hat, and a bow tie, who was rubbing his arm furiously.
“Stupid Mario!” the beast retched. “Ooh, that hurts! I’m quitting this job!” He marched out of the dungeons in a huff.
A few minutes after, Luigi woke up screaming, the image of Mario with his pants on his head burned permanently into his memory. “Huh?” He looked around, seeing no bars on the cells. Jumping to conclusions, he whooped, “Hey, I’m a genius! I did something totally amazing while I was unconscious and the bars disappeared!” He did a little dance of victory, grabbed the unconscious Mario by the leg, and began dragging him up the stairs, singing horribly out of tune. “Yeah, I’m the best, I am the best, when the bars see my face they start to scream and shiver and shake...”
Suddenly, Mario jumped up and bit Luigi on the arm. Luigi screamed in pain and went tumbling down the stairs, Mario right behind.
“Owwie!” Luigi
moaned, sucking on his arm. “Why, I oughtta... Hey, wait a sec!” He spied
the hats of the Sirens. “Woah, I thought it was a dream, but I guess not...
They really are gone.” He glanced at Mario, who was grinning stupidly,
still wearing pants on his head. Both of them bowed their heads for a moment
of silence.
After the moment
of silence...
“YAHOO!” whooped the Brothers together. Both began breakdancing badly, singing off-key, and flexing their (nonexistent) muscles.
Luigi suddenly stopped, realizing, “The Shadow Sirens are our only hope of defeating the Shadow Queen!”
Mario took no notice, hula dancing and singing “I Wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner” totally out of tune. Luigi, in a moment of unbridled fury, punched him in the chest. Mario flew across the room, bashed his head against the wall, and was out like a light.
“There must be a way to get them back to life...” Luigi muttered, realizing that 1-Up Mushrooms would be no good if the Shadow Queen’s magic was involved (and he assumed it was).
“Grodus’s Magic Cure Shop...” Mario moaned in a voice that was definitely not his own.
“What?!” Luigi jumped.
“I’m-a Mario!” Mario, fully conscious, began tapdancing.
“Grodus has a magic cure shop?!” Luigi pondered, taking no notice of his brother. “Geez, how low can you go?”
“Low as you.” Mario murmured.
“What?”
“It’s-a me, Mario!”
“Whatever.” Luigi waved Mario’s voice away as if it was a pesky fly. “Let’s just get out of here and get to Grodus’s shop. Um, where is it?”
“La la la la la...” Mario had begun standing on his head and counting the number of cows he saw (twelve). Luigi, in another moment of unbridled fury, kicked Mario in the head. Mario fell over, unconscious again. “Grodus’s Magic Cure Shop is on Earth...” he murmured.
“EARTH?!” Luigi whined. “How do we get there?!”
“Bowser has a spaceship... Get him to lend it to you.”
“Wonderful. We’re going to ask our worst enemy to help us ask our second worst enemy for help. It sounds like a perfect recipe for disaster.”
Mario shrugged. “The Force is with you, Luigi...” He suddenly jumped up and did a cartwheel.
“Great.” Luigi shook his head. “There is an ancient Star Wars spirit inside my idiotic brother.”
“I’m-a the Party Star!” Mario whooped.
“Let’s just go.” Luigi started for the stairs. “The sooner we somehow negotiate with our worst enemies and get stupid Vivian and her even stupider sisters back to life, the better.”
“Okeydokey.” Mario began skipping after him.
“I think I liked you better unconscious,” Luigi observed.
“Okeydokey,” Mario said again. He punched himself in the head with all of his might, flew back a few feet, and was out like a light... AGAIN. Luigi sighed, put Mario over his shoulder, and began making his way up the steps, talking to what he supposed was a spirit. “So how long have you been inside my brother?”
“Almost forever. It’s just about unbearable.”
“No offense, but I’m glad I’m not you.”
“Whatever. Oh boy, he’s waking up.”
Mario jumped off Luigi’s shoulder, did a little jig, and whacked Luigi on the nose. Luigi picked up Mario and threw him down the nearly endless flight of stairs.
“I’m-a Mariooooooooooo...” Mario howled as he disappeared from sight.
“I doubt I’ll be seeing HIM again!” Luigi said happily. “And I’m glad that Star Wars spirit is gone. It was such a bore.”
“Don’t think you’re
rid of me yet, Luigi,” a creepy voice floated up from way down below. Luigi
shivered and pushed open the large metal doors that led to the outside
world.
Outside was a freak show. Toads were running everywhere, screaming, yelling, and picking each other’s pockets. One by one, they were eaten, messily, by three dragons, one a bright red, one a gloomy black, and one with no skin whatsoever. Right outside the doors the venerable Toadsworth, an elderly Toad with a monocle and a mustache, was clinging to Toadette, the much adored star of the Toads who wore all pink. Their relationship was unclear, but recently they had been addressing each other as father and daughter.
“Oh, please!” shrieked Toadette, with all of the damsel-in-distress-ness that she had learned from Princess Peach.
“I should have known,” Luigi muttered, trying to go back into the castle without being seen.
“Master Luigi!” Toadsworth huffed, spying the plumber struggling at the doors. “Please save us! That huge thing is looking at us!”
Sure enough, the skinless dragon was moving slowly towards the twosome, licking its nonexistent lips.
“Please save us!” Toadette batted her eyelashes... or she would have, if she had any. In fact, it just seemed like she was blinking. “Please, Luigi!”
“I should let it eat you two.” Luigi folded his arms and turned away. He loved to make them beg.
“No!” Toadette shrieked. “PLEASE don’t!”
“You’ve never done anything for me!” Luigi waggled a finger. Promptly, a fortune’s worth of coins and jewels landed at his feet. “Nuh-uh! It’s too late for that now!” he said angrily. Secretly he began picking them up.
“IT’S COMING TOWARDS US!” Toadsworth crowed, abandoning his grammar.
“Please, Luigi...” Toadette stuck out her lower lip and whimpered. “Please...”
Luigi sighed. “I must be out of my mind, but I can’t resist battles.” With one of the jumps that made him famous, he leapt into the air and kicked the bone dragon in the jaw. Toads around the kingdom stopped what they were doing and began applauding wildly. The red dragon began eating them. The black dragon snarled at Luigi.
“C’mon!” Luigi flexed his (nonexistent) muscles. “Bring it!”
The bone dragon brought a gargantuan foot down on Luigi, who was flattened like a bug.
“He brought it...” Luigi muttered, and promptly passed out.
“YAAAAAAAAAAAY!” the red dragon cheered in a revealingly feminine voice. “GO, BONY!”
“YEAH!” the black dragon roared in a much more masculine tone. “GREAT, BRO!”
“BOOOOOOOOO!” all of the living Toads in the kingdom (twelve) screamed.
“Shaddup!” the red dragon hissed. She began feasting on the survivors. Within seconds, Toad and Toadette were the only ones left.
“No...” Toadsworth said, arranging his monocle and trying to make himself as dignified as possible for his death. “I’m afraid this is the end...”
“NOT YET!” Toadette roared in a decidedly deep voice. “STAND BACK, DAD!”
From a holster, she pulled a huge gun. Aiming erratically, she pulled the trigger. A green ray shot from the gun, knocking the dragon into a pile of bones. The other two dragons were spooked and Toadsworth blinked, then fell backwards and faints.
Luigi sat up,
regaining his width like a balloon. “Wuh? What happened?” He surveyed the
scene. Toadette was chasing after the red and black dragons, shooting erratically
with a gun that emitted green lasers; Toadsworth lay twitching; and the
bone dragon had been reduced to a pile of bones. He passed out again.
Hours later, Luigi came to in Toadsworth Manor, the stately mansion of the venerable Toadsworth. Toadette stood in front of him, smiling sweetly and still holding her gun. Toadsworth stood, swooning, as if he may faint any second.
“You gave me quite a scare there, Luigi.” Toadette said happily, dusting him off. “I guess I should have told you and my dad about being an agent for the Mushroom FBI...”
There was a thumping sound. Toadsworth was out cold again.
“... Yeah...” Toadette continued, glancing guiltily at Toadsworth. “But now you know...”
“What happened to those dragons, uh, Agent?” Luigi shifted himself to a position where he could jump out the window any time that gun pointed near him.
“Call me Toadette,” she said sweetly. “Anyway, Hooktail and Gloomtail ran away... FAST. I couldn’t catch up with them.”
“And Bonetail?”
“I was going to kill him for good,” Toadette growled darkly, “but then I saw this weird box lying on the ground. I opened it, but then this strong force came out of it and pulled Bonetail right in!”
“Box?” Luigi searched his mind. “OH! That’s the box that holds the Shadow Queen and her minions!”
“Really?” Toadette grinned. “Good thing I kept it! I guess we’ll need it to capture the Shadow Queen and the others.”
“We?” Luigi edged towards the window.
“Certainly.” Toadette gave him a sweet smile. “You don’t think I’d let you go alone, do you?”
“It’s too dangerous!” Luigi protested, trying to force open the window without her noticing.
“Oh, puh-leez.” Toadette folded her arms. “I’m an FBI agent, Luigi.” She waved her hands as if to close the matter.
“Well, okay...” Luigi lied. He wondered how much force it would take to break the window.
“So, what’s the
story? What’s been going on?”
“... Wow...” Toadette said for the umpteenth time. Luigi had explained to her the whole escapade in great detail, with only minor adjustments such as adding the statement that he attempted to stab the Shadow Queen in the heart with a silver sword he pulled from a stone.
Luigi picked up a silver paperweight and wondered about the chances of Toadette not noticing him smashing to window with it. They were low. “But I guess the kingdom is back to normal now, eh?”
“Nope.” Toadette sighed. “Look.”
She opened another window, which conveniently was too small for Luigi to throw himself out of. The dragons were gone, but Bowser’s minions were terrorizing the place with apparently no intent of stopping.
Toadette holstered her gun. “Right after Bonetail was sucked into the box, the kingdom filled up with Koopas and Goombas and all sorts of evil!”
“Not good.” Luigi groaned. How much force would it take to bust the window? Quite a lot, apparently. He rubbed his sore fist.
“Right.” Toadette ignored his fist. “It won’t be easy getting to Castle Koopa.”
Luigi shuddered. “Don’t remind me.”
“Poor Vivian!” Toadette picked up a picture on her desk and stared at it longingly. “And her poor sisters!”
“POOR SISTERS?!” Luigi scoffed. “They’re evil!” He nodded sagely, then added as an afterthought, “And they’re dopes!”
“Well...” Toadette sighed, “I always had a thing for Marilyn...” She showed the picture to Luigi, who blinked furiously to rid his mind of Marilyn’s image.
“You’re freaky.” he shook his head. “Well, we’d better go.”
Toadsworth sat up with a glazed look in his eyes. He looked around, saw Toadette, saw her gun, and passed out once again.
“My poor father.” Toadette sighed. “I’ll leave a note.” She took a piece of paper, scribbled down a quick message, and then tore off a lock of her hair. “Just so he knows it’s me,” she explained to Luigi’s freaked out stare. She took a long look at the room and headed out, Luigi following at a safe distance.
They were stopped at the door by a huge Goomba with a white mustache and a crown as large as Luigi. “Where are ya goin’,” he snarled at them, “dorkazoid and dorkyazoid?”
Toadette glared at him and pulled out her gun. “Weirdo.”
The Goomba gave a very un-Goomba-like roar. “Why, I oughtta-”
Luigi, in a rare burst of strength usually saved for Mario, kicked the giant Goomba, who went flying headlong into a wall.
“What an idiot.” Toadette smirked. “Let’s go.”
Before they could take one step, they were completely surrounded by an entire army of minions. Toadette dropped her gun. Luigi dropped his jaw.
“You’ll pay for squashing Emperor Goomba!” one of the Koopas snarled.
“Uh...” Luigi deliberated for a second, then pointed both fingers at Toadette. “She did it!”
Toadette kicked Luigi in the shin. “Die, you freaky thingies!” She grabbed her gun and shot the ground, which rumbled in the equivalent of an earthquake. The entire army, with Luigi, flew into the manor’s walls and they all were miserably squashed.
“Time to go home!” Toadette giggled. She pulled out the intricately designed box from her holster and threw it open. Emperor Goomba, Koopas after Koopas, Goombas after Goombas, and minion after minion were sucked inside, screaming and moaning. Luigi narrowly missed the box and crashed headlong into a wall. Toadette flipped the box closed, silencing the screams.
“Owwwwwww...” Luigi moaned, sliding slowly to the ground. “You’re worse than Mario...”
“Thank you.” Toadette curtsied. “Well, the kingdom is safe now.” Just as she said this, there was an earthquake. Luigi went flying into a wall, pulled himself off, and went to berate Toadette. Before he could do so, though, an army of gigantic caterpillars (Wigglers) stormed into the kingdom, toppling houses.
“Let’s get out of here!” Luigi shrieked, grabbing Toadette before she could take out her gun. He rushed out of the kingdom, carrying her with him. As soon as he put her down and stopped to catch his breath, a tree came down on top of him. “This is not my day,” he moaned, trying to crawl out from under it.
Toadette ignored him. “I hope my father got the note I left.”
Unknown to Toadette, the venerable Toadsworth had already read over her note, seen her hair, and fainted for the third time.
“I’m positive he got your note,” Luigi groaned, now trying to lift the tree off of himself.
Several minutes and several splinters later, the two of them were walking down the forest path, blocked by no one. Soon enough, though, they heard a mumbling from the bushes. Toadette immediately jabbed her gun into the bush.
“Huh?!” Luigi said, backing away quickly.
The voice in the bush suddenly turned quite audible and let out a high-pitched shriek. “Found me he has! Destroyed I will be!”
Luigi let out a noise from the back of his throat. “Wait a minute... I know that voice... BOWYER!”
Bowyer let out a very feminine screech. “Here Smithy is! Run I must!”
“Who are you?” growled Toadette, bringing out of the bushes a very strange creature. He looked like a gigantic bow, with a head on top that had very tall, frizzy hair. Even without the hair, he was nearly twice as tall as Luigi and would have been very intimidating had he not been wringing his hands. He carried a bag of arrows at his side.
“Huh?” Bowyer stuttered, “Oh, Smithy you are not. Worried I was for a sec.”
Luigi had been striking a “hero pose”. Bowyer was a creature he had only heard about from Mario’s bragging about his adventures. Bowyer was one of many creatures that worked for the demon of machines, Smithy. But now he had faltered. “Bowyer, what’s going on? Why aren’t you destroying us?”
“Sick I am of working for Smithy,” Bowyer said, his eyes shifty. “Defied him I did. Screamed at me he did. Hiding out here have I ever since. But this darkness... Chilling it is.”
“It’s the Shadow Queen!” Toadette growled suspiciously. “She’s back.”
“No!” Bowyer assumed an expression of horror. “Told me about her my Flunkies did.” He gestured to his arrows, which all had grinning faces that matched Bowyer’s. “Horrible she is!” He put his fist in his hand. “Stop her I must!”
Luigi, taken in, began slowly advancing. “Erm, well, Bowyer, maybe, um, you could, um…” He paused for a minute. Toadette and Bowyer looked at each other with half-closed eyes. “Since we’re, um, sorta lookin’ for the same, um, thing...” He paused again, eyes averted. “... You could join us?”
“What?”
“He wants you to join us on our quest,” Toadette growled before Luigi could repeat his monologue.
“Hmmmm...” Bowyer made a highly exaggerated show of thinking it over. “Good idea that is...” He paused. Toadette, fuming, walked away. “Brains I would be, Brawn you would be...” He paused again. Toadette returned, eating a peach. “Accept the offer I do.” He extended a hand.
“Good.” Luigi nodded sagely, shaking Bowyer’s hand. “We could use someone with brains on this team.” Toadette casually took her gun and zapped him. He rocketed back through the forest.
“Quiet this forest is,” Bowyer said, taking no notice.
“Too quiet,” Toadette agreed. She walked over to Luigi, slung him over her shoulder, and began carrying him along, his legs dragging on the ground. She walked off in the direction they had been going, Bowyer following at a somewhat slower pace.