Chapter 1: Raiders of the Lost Fortress
Luigi and Goombario finally arrive in Koopa Village.
Luigi: Whew… We’re finally here.
Goombario: Yeah, I never would’ve suspected that we would have to fight that giant Lawn Gnome!
Luigi walks over to a Koopa who’s standing next to the “Welcome” sign.
Koopa at the Sign: Hello, there! Welcome to Koopa Village!
Luigi: Thank you. Do you know where the Koopa Bros’ Fortress is?
Koopa at the Sign: Um… No clue what you’re talking about, sorry.
Goombario: Oh well… Guess we should talk to someone else.
Luigi nods.
Somewhere nearby…
Golden Fuzzy: My fellow brothers and sisters! We have waited years for this moment! But now is the time of reckoning! VIVA LA FUZZIES!!!
All of the Fuzzies scream and suddenly erupt into the village, causing all sorts of havoc.
Koopa at the Sign: Oh no… Not again!
Luigi: Again?!
A Koopa with a blue shell walks up to Luigi.
Koopa: This happens every other year. The Fuzzies are kleptos, so they steal all of our stuff and hide it in random places.
Luigi: Um… That’s kind of weird, but thanks for the information. Who are you, anyway?
Koopa: The name’s Koops! Boy, I’m glad that none of them have stolen from me yet…
Golden Fuzzy: Oooooh, blue is my favorite color! I MUST HIDE IT!!!
Golden Fuzzy grabs Koops’s shell and hops off.
Koops: Oh no, I’m indecent!
Luigi: Don’t worry, I’ll get your shell back!
Luigi and Goombario chase the Golden Fuzzy until they come to a place where there’s three trees.
Golden Fuzzy: Gee, you guys just don’t give up, do you?! Can’t you see that this gives me pleasure?!
Luigi: Um… Look, just give us the shell back and we’ll-
Golden Fuzzy: ENOUGH!!! You don’t understand, nor will you EVER understand! In the name of all things small and prickly, I will defeat you!
Luigi kicks Golden Fuzzy into one of the trees, which makes stars fly around his head.
Golden Fuzzy: Swing low, sweet chariot…
Golden Fuzzy passes out and a map falls from the tree that he got knocked into.
Goombario: Hey, Luigi! Look at what just fell from the tree!
Luigi picks up the map and reads it.
Luigi: Wahoo! It’s a map to the Koopa Bros’ Fortress! How much more convenient could you get?
Goombario: As much as the writer wants it to.
Luigi ignores him and picks up the blue shell.
Koops: Hey, thanks for getting my shell back!
Koops runs over to Luigi and puts his shell back on.
Luigi: No problem, whatever I can do to help!
Fuzzies: Hey! You can’t just knock out our master like that!
Luigi: Pfft… What are ya gonna do, steal my hat?
Fuzzies: No… We’re going to rip off you’re mustache. We’re going to pluck EVERY LAST STRAND!!!
The Fuzzies form together into one big creature (much like the Smorgs).
Luigi: Oh boy…
Fuzzy Swarm: But first, that shell…
The Fuzzy Swarm raises one their hands over Koops.
Luigi: LOOK OUT!
Right as they’re about to slam their hand into Koops, Luigi shoves him out of the way and he ends up getting hurt instead.
Koops: Wow… He put himself in harm’s way to save me, despite the fact that he could have just run away…
Koops turns around and faces Goombario.
Koops: Hey, you! Kick me!
Goombario: Why?
Koops: Just do it!
Goombario kicks Koops as he goes into his shell, making him crash through the Fuzzy Swarm’s “face”.
Fuzzy Swarm: OUCH!
The Fuzzy Swarm takes its hand off of Luigi and puts them over the hole in its face, so it can use various Fuzzies to fill up the hole.
Koops: Get up! This is your chance!
Luigi nods, runs over to one of the trees, and pounds the splinters out of it with his hammer, which makes it fall on top of the Fuzzy Swarm, crushing most of them.
Luigi: Thank you, Koops, you’re a lifesaver… literally. You know, you make a pretty useful ally… Want to join me?
Koops: DO I EVER?!
Goombario: Cool! Now I finally have someone else to talk-
Goombario flies into Luigi’s pocket.
Goombario: -to… Shoot!
Luigi: That was… kinda weird.
Koops: Yeah.
Luigi: Uh-huh.
Koops: Indeed.
Luigi: I concur.
GET ON WITH IT!!!
Koops: Whatever you say, omnipotent Jelly God!
Luigi: Jelly God? But he’s the-
Koops: Look, you have your religion, and I have mine!
Luigi rolls his eyes.
Luigi: Let‘s just get going.
Luigi and Koops follow the map until they get to a gap with a lake in between.
Luigi: Hm… The map said that the castle should be near here. I take it that this gap doesn’t follow the laws of physics either, so how are we supposed to get across without a bridge?
Koops: Maybe that sign will help?
Koops points at the sign.
Sign: “No, I won’t.”
Luigi: Why not?
Sign: “’Cause.”
Luigi: I bet that there’s not a switch that draws the bridge down…
Sign: “Yes there is!”
Luigi: Meh… I don’t believe you.
Sign: “Oh, REALLY now? Well, for your information, it’s right across! But it’s invisible, and you need to kick your little friend across in order to activate it. How do you like them apples, bub?”
Luigi kicks Koops at the invisible switch, which makes the bridge appear.
Luigi: Thanks for the info! We never could’ve gotten across without you!
Sign: “D’OH!!! Me and my big ego…”
Luigi walks across the bridge and follows Koops to the fortress, which is practically straight ahead.
Koops: We’re finally here, after hours of endless toil!
Luigi: But it’s only been 15 minutes…
The Black Koopa Brother bursts out of the front door, singing.
Black Koopa: Oh, good morning USAAAAAAAA! I got a feeling that it’s gonna be a wonderful dayyyyyyy! The Sun and the Sky has a smile on its face…
Raisin Bran Sun: I told you to leave me alone!
The Raisin Bran Sun drops two scoops of giant raisins on Black Koopa.
Black Koopa: OW! OW! OW! Um… Ayway, time to get the paper!
Black Koopa takes out the funnies, tosses the rest away, and walks back into the fortress.
Luigi: I don’t think he saw us. Quick, let’s go inside… METAL GEAR STYLE!!!
Luigi puts a box over both of them and they push it inside the castle.
Koopa: Wait a minute… Were do you think YOU’RE going? You’re one of those Mario guys, aren’t you?
Koops: Nope, just a box!
Bob-omb: … Awright, let him through.
The Koopa and Bob-omb open the door that they were guarding and let them into the next room.
Green Koopa: … Well, how do YOU know SpongeBob isn’t a woman?
Koopa: Well, what about Katy Perry?
Green Koopa: Nah, Kate kissed a girl and liked it. Kate can’t possibly be a woman.
Luigi: They don’t notice us! Maybe we can-
Green Koopa: Huh, who said that?
Green Koopa turns around.
Green Koopa: GAH!!! A box! Boxes are my worst nightmare!
Green Koopa runs away and screams like a little girl.
Koopa: Hey! How dare you scare one of the Koopa Bros?!
Luigi: Um… HADOUKEN!!!
Luigi picks up the box, throws it at the Koopa, and runs to the door (along with Koops).
Yellow Koopa: Whew… It took FOREVER to make this thing! Now it’s time to include the finishing touch!
Yellow Koopa tosses a yellow ? Block into the air and it floats above the ground, like any normal block… well, normal to them anyway.
Yellow Koopa: Excellent! It’s genius, pure genius!
Luigi and Koops enter the room.
Yellow Koopa: Cowabunga! It’s time to beat feet!
Yellow Koopa runs out of the room before they spot him.
Luigi: … Did you hear something?
Koops: Not really.
Luigi shrugs and looks up at the ? Block.
Luigi: Wow, an item block! Let’s see what’s inside.
Luigi grabs Koops, jumps up to the platform, and strikes the block, which makes it disappear.
Koops: … Nothing happened.
A trapdoor opens under them and they fall down.
Luigi: You just HAD to say something, didn’t you?!
Luigi and Koops descend down into a cell, where there’s several Bob-ombs.
Koops: Well, at least we can share our misery with others!
Luigi: Ugh…
A Bob-omb Buddy walks over to them.
Bob-omb Buddy: Hey! Like, you’re kinda cute! My name is like, Bombette, what’s yours?
Luigi: Um… Luigi?
Bombette: Like, totally fabulous! I’ll follow you, to like the ends of the Earth and stuff! … Or Plit, whatever.
Luigi: I guess you can come.
Koops: Oh, you son of a-
Koops flies into Luigi’s pocket.
Goombario: Hey there! How are things going?
Koops: Um… How long are we going to be in here?
Goombario: For 7 more chapters, at least.
Koops: … Do you have a flashlight?
Energizer Bunny: No.
Luigi: Anyhow, how are we supposed to get out of here?
Bombette: Well, you can like, use me to blow up that crack in the wall.
She walks over to the crack to show Luigi where it is.
Luigi: If this was there the whole time, couldn’t any of you have just blown that up earlier?
Bombette: Yes.
Luigi smacks his own face.
Luigi: Just explode already.
Bombette: Okie-dokie!
She explodes, which makes a large hole appear in the wall.
Luigi: Okay, do any of you want to leave?
Bob-omb #1: Nope.
Bob-omb #2: We’ve gotten used to it by now.
Luigi shrugs and follows Bombette out of the cell… and suddenly a Koopa and two Bob-ombs burst into the room.
Koopa: Hey, what’s with all of the noise?!
Koopa spots Luigi and Bombette.
Koopa: Okay, you two do what you do best.
Bob-ombs: Wahoo! KAMIKAZE!!!
They charge towards Luigi and Bombette with their fuses lit… only for them to step out of the way and make the Bob-ombs crash into a wall, resulting in their fiery inferno of doom.
Koopa: Shoot! Every Troopa for himself!
Koopa runs off.
Luigi: Ha! What a wimp!
Bombette: Will you marry me?
Luigi: No.
They walk up the stairs and go through a door, to the next room.
Red Koopa: Bullet Bills! Now it is the time to finally show your power! Destroy these two… stupid heads!
Red Koopa runs through the double doors as the cannons start to launch Bullet Bills.
Luigi: Shoot!
Luigi grabs Bombette and swerves from side-to-side, avoiding the various Bullet Bills that come his way. He then throws Bombette into one of the cannons and she explodes, causing all three cannons to be destroyed in the process.
Bombette: Y-you held me!
Her eyes turn into valentine hearts and she jumps into Luigi’s arms.
Luigi: Um… Yeah, I guess I did.
He puts her back onto the ground and walks into the next room.
Black Koopa: GAH!!! It’s you two! Wait… who are you?
Red Koopa: That’s Luigi, you idiot!
Yellow Koopa: Bodacious! We finally get to fi-
Green Koopa shoves him.
Yellow Koopa: OW!!! What the surfing bird did I do?!
Green Koopa: You will now fight your worst nightmare!
They all run out of the room and a klunky-looking Bowser robot rolls into the room.
Luigi: … This is just pathetic. Even for Koopas.
Bowser-Robot: Give up, plumber! You’ll never win!
Luigi nonchalantly picks up a rock and tosses it at the head, which makes it fall off.
Yellow Koopa: Woah! Like, so uncool, dude! It costed us 1,000 coins to make this thing!
The Koopa Bros. hop out of the robot.
Red Koopa: Okay, Brothers! This is what we’ve been training for! Time to use our Special Move - The Rising Hippo Super Ultra Deluxe Taco Time!
The Koopa Bros. stack on top of each other and spin around at a high velocity, heading towards Luigi.
Luigi: I learned a similar move myself!
Luigi takes out his hammer and spins around in circles towards the Koopa Bros. (similar to the Cyclone Bros. move, but without Mario). He collides with them, making them all crash into various parts of the fortress, which subsequently knocks them all out and sends them falling into the Bob-ombs‘ jail cell.
Red Koopa: Ugh… Those guys packed a wallop.
Bob-omb #1: Well, we’re even worse… Get ‘em guys!
Red Koopa gulps as the Bob-ombs charge towards them. Meanwhile a card with Eldstar’s insignia suddenly descends from up above.
Luigi: What’s this?
Bombette: Poke!
Bombette touches it, which makes it twirl around and engulfs the area in a white light. Once the light is gone, Eldstar is in the card’s place.
Eldstar: Luigi… you did it! You ARE the hero of legend!
Luigi: YAHOO!!!
Luigi jumps into the air with glee.
END OF CHAPTER
Luigi has defeated the Koopa Bros. and finally retrieved the first Star Spirit, Eldstar! But six Star Spirits still remain, so this adventure is far from over. The fate of the world lies in the hands of (surprisingly enough) Luigi! Does he really have what it takes?
At Peach’s Castle…
Peach: I wonder how Luigi is doing? Or Mario… What if they’re hurt?
Twink: I’m sure that they’re fine, Miss! For now, we should focus on trying to get you out of here!
Peach: I guess you’re right. I think I remember Toad telling me that there was a secret exit somewhere in this room…
Twink: You mean THIS secret entrance?
Twink lifts up a portrait and presses the red button, which makes the fireplace turn around.
Peach: … How long did you know that was there?
Twink: For quite some time. You never stopped talking long enough for me to tell you.
Peach: I’ll ignore that.
Peach and Twink go inside the “fireplace”, which rotates again and puts them inside a dark hallway.
Peach: This is kind of creepy…
Twink: Yeah… But we have to focus on our journey!
Peach nods and she walks to the end of the hallway, pressing another red button, which rotates that part of the wall and takes them to another room.
Peach: Where are we? I’ve never been to this room before.
Twink: I don’t know, but here’s a diary! Want me to read it?
Peach: Are dolphins fish?!
Twink: No.
Peach: Oh… Well, read it anyway.
Twink: Ahem…
Dear Diary,
I just got the Star Rod today! It’s sooooo cool! I lifted Peach’s Castle into space and even defeated Mario- err… Luigi! … Except Kammy threw it at my head earlier and gave me a large bump. Because of that, I’m decreasing her salary from 5 coins a month to just 2! And… just a secret between us (you won’t tell, right?), the next Star Spirit is located in Dry Dry Ruins, which is hidden in Dry Dry Desert. And also… I really like Peach-
Peach: WHAT?!
Twink: “-Pie.”
Peach: Oh…
Peach laughs nervously.
Twink: The Star Spirit is located in Dry Dry Ruins! I should find Luigi and inform him!
Peach: Okay, you go do that.
Twink flies out of the window right as Bowser walks into the room.
Bowser: Peach?! How did you get here?!
Bowser looks at the open diary.
Bowser: AND YOU READ MY DIARY?! Koopatrols, get her back to her room immediately, before she can use any of my embarrassing secrets against me!
Koopatrols: Yes, sir!
They grab Peach and drag her back into her room.
Bowser: Hm…
Bowser does a double-take to make sure that no one is there and then he runs over to his diary, picks it up, and starts to rub it.
Bowser: It’s okay, baby, you’re safe now… Daddy won’t let anyone hurt you.
Hammer Bro: HEY GUYS, LOOK AT WHAT BOWSER’S DOING WITH HIS DIARY!!!
Bowser: GAH!!!