Chapter 2: The Pharaoh-Headed League
Luigi and Bombette are conveniently back in Toad Town.
Bombette: Don't you just love time gaps?
Luigi: Who doesn't?
Merlon comes out of his house.
Merlon: Are you Luigi?
Luigi: Um... yeah.
Merlon: Well, there's this little star in here asking me "Where's Luigi?" for two straight hours!
Twink flies out of the house.
Twink: Oh, here you are!
Luigi: What is it this time, Twink?
Twink: I came to tell you that the next Star Spirit is in Dry Dry Ruins, in the Dry Dry Desert! You can get there by train.
Luigi: Okay, thanks!
Twink waves and flies away.
Bombette: ... "Dry Dry Desert"? Like, who names these places, anyway?
Luigi: Some bored Japanese game designers sitting around in their offices.
Bombette: ... Game designers?
Luigi: Never mind, let's go to the train.
Luigi and Bombette walk over to the train station.
Ticket Guy: Hello sir and nadame, do you have any tickets?
Luigi: Um... LOOK, IT'S COUNT CHOCULA!
Ticket Guy turns around.
Ticket Guy: WHERE?!
Luigi and Bombette run onto the train while he's not looking and the train takes off.
Ticket Guy: Oh shoot... Curse my obsession with sugary cereals! CURSE IT!!!
Aboard the train...
Luigi: Well... this train is certainly a lot bigger than I thought it would be.
Bombette: Like, why do you say that?
Luigi: I remember it being a lot shorter. It only had one car a few years ago.
Bombette: Seriously?
???: Yeah, seriously.
Luigi: Who said that?
???: I did.
The dark figure steps out of the shadows, revealing himself to be Pennington, a blue penguin wearing a deerstalker cap and holding a magnifying glass.
Pennington: The name's Pennington. I'm a detective.
Luigi: So I noticed. My name's Luigi.
Bombette: And I'm Bombette!
Pennington: Luigi, eh? I'll remember that name... Anyhow, what are you here for?
Luigi: I'm going to Dry Dry Desert. I need to find something there.
Pennington: How interesting... I deduce that the object you desire is a Star Spirit!
Luigi: Woah! How did you figure that out?!
Pennington: There's a big star with a mustache in the cafeteria that's ordering prunes.
Toadette: ... I told you several times, sir, we don't have any prunes.
Eldstar: That's racist, doggone it! Stars need to go to the bathroom too!
Luigi: Er... Any other people here?
Pennington: Why, of course. I'll introduce you to some of them.
The trio walk through the train.
Pennington: ... This is Prince Peasley.
Luigi: Hey, I remember you!
Prince Peasley: Yes, you should. The story I was in was put on hiatus, so I'm searching for another job... BUT LOOK HOW GORGEOUS I AM!
Prince Peasly makes a flash of white light appear through the entire car.
Toadbert: MY EYES!!!
Pennington: Um... Let's continue, shall we?
They tiptoe away.
Toadbert: I think I'm blind-
Pennington: This fine fellow is named Mallow, he's the prince of Nimbus Land.
Mallow: Hello there!
Luigi: What does that writing on your head say?
Mallow: Oh, this? It says "Property of Square-Enix". I still haven't figured out what it means yet.
Luigi: Well, it means that-
Sephiroth: If you know what's good for you, you’d better not finish that sentence.
Bombette: Like, who's this guy? And who does his hair?
Pennington: I deduce that he's a character from Final Fantasy, and his only purpose for being on this train is for a cheap gag.
Fat Toad: The cake is on your menu... but I ordered it an hour ago! THE CAKE IS A LIE!
Toadette: She's taking her time, sir! ... And by the way, considering your condition, shouldn't you be eating something a little more... you know... healthier?
Fat Toad: How DARE you?!
Toadette: DON'T EAT ME!
Pennington: There seems to be some sort of commotion. We must investigate!
Pennington walks over to the booth and hops onto one of the chairs.
Pennington: What seems to be the problem, ma'am?
Toadette: This guy ordered a cake about an hour ago... but Zess T. can't find any of the ingredients! They're missing!
Pennington: GADZOOKS! A mystery!
Fat Toad: Why couldn't you have just told me that?! Jerks.
5 minutes later...
Pennington: I have lined all of you up here, because you're ALL suspects! You, the un-named fat Toad!
Fat Toad: B-but... I already paid for it! Why would I steal it?!
Pennington: ... Popple, the Shadow Thief!
Popple: I don't steal cakes, see... unless you mean the gold kind. Heh heh...
Luigi: Do I know you?
Popple: No. But you will.
Pennington: And last, but certainly not least, there's our most dubious suspect... CRASH BANDICOOT!
Crash: Woah!
Crash spins out of the room.
Pennington: Er... I mean, that chair! THAT CHAIR!!!
He points to a random chair; everyone gasps except for Luigi.
Luigi: You've got to be kidding me...
Pennington turns on a lamp.
Pennington: WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF SEPTEMBER 33RD?!
Luigi: There IS no September 33rd.
Pennington: Oh yeah? How would YOU like to solve the case instead?
Luigi: Well, I'd certainly do a much better job than you. C'mon, Bombette!
Luigi swipes Pennington's magnifying glass and looks around for clues.
Bombette: Oh boy, we're detectives! Do we get those cool hats?
Luigi: Bombette, focus! Try to find a clue or something!
Bombette: Like that trail of gumdrops on the floor?
Luigi looks down.
Luigi: Um... Yeah, like that.
They follow the trail of gumdrops to one of the cabins, which contains a certain Nintendo character.
Luigi: Kirby?
Kirby: Well… um… YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPERS!!!
Kirby laughs maniacally and jumps out the window. Luigi and Bombette run over to the window and observe it.
Bombette: Ouch, that’s pretty graphic… Isn’t, like, this website for kids?
HUSH… He might hear you.
Bombette: Who?
The Koopa-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named…
Luigi: You mean Lemmy?
I told you, he must not be named!
Luigi: Let’s just go.
Luigi and Bombette walk back to Pennington with the cake in hand.
Luigi: I found the cake!
Fat Toad: SWEET VICTORY!
Fat Toad grabs the cake and swallows it whole.
Luigi: Sheesh, what a fat-
Conductor: Sssssssuper fantabulous! We have arrived at our next stop, Mt. Rugged! Have a wonderful day!
The train stops, with Luigi and Bombette walking out shortly after.
Bombette: We’re like, finally here! Isn’t that great?
Luigi: Easy for you to say, you don’t wear clothes! There’s ALREADY sand in my boots and it’s over 100 degrees out here!
Bombette: Is that a bad thing?
Luigi fans himself with his hat.
Luigi: YES it is.
Parakarry: Oh, hey there! You have a brother that always tries to kill me, right?
Luigi: Yeah!
Parakarry: Great… ‘cause I lost some of my letters. Can you help me find them?
Luigi: Sure thi-
Three envelopes are blown by the wind and they smack Luigi’s face. Luigi peels them off and hands them to Parakarry.
Luigi: Here’s three, for starters.
Parakarry: Ah! Thank you, fine sir! Do you mind if I perhaps… accompany you on you quest?
Luigi: Why?
Parakarry: I need to get more letters.
Luigi: Um… All right then.
Bombette: B-but I haven’t even been here for very lo-
Bombette flies into Luigi’s pocket.
Bombette: Oh well… Do any of you have churros?
Luigi and Parakarry hike up the mountain until they encounter a humongous bird…
Buzzar: HOLD IT!!! Who are you? I can’t let you cross the bridge until I know your name.
Luigi: You seriously think I’m going to tell you my real name?
Buzzar: Yes.
Luigi: My name is... Clint Eastwood.
Buzzar: Clint Eastwood?! Oh my god, I LOVE your movies! Go ahead, you can pass.
Luigi and Parakarry go across.
Parakarry: Are ALL of your enemies this stupid?
Luigi: Yeah, pretty much. But it's nothing to complain about.
Luigi and Parakarry go along the path until they find some sort of expedition along with a Koopa with a fake-ish mustache wearing a stereotypical Indiana Jones-esque outfit.
Kolorado: Hello there, mustachioed fellow clad in green!
Luigi: Luigi.
Kolorado: Ah! Of Italian descent, I see! Well, I am Professor Kolorado, my fine chaps, and I am trying to locate the Dry Dry Ruins.
Luigi: Hey, we're looking for the Dry Dry Ruins too! Maybe we can help each other out!
Kolorado: An elementary proposal!
Pennington rushes out of one of the tents.
Pennington: I deduce that someone has stolen our Hot Pockets! I insist that we get more.
Kolorado: Why does your breath smell like Hot Pockets?
Pennington: Um... Some wild monkeys shoved some down my throat! I had no choice!
Luigi: That's nonsense!
Pennington: ... Who votes to throw Luigi into a lake?
Luigi: Who votes to feed Pennington to a Pokey?!
Kolorado: ENOUGH! I hear that someone in Dry Dry Outpost might know where the Ruins are. Make sure you stay on the path, the desert can get pretty dangerous.
Luigi: Thanks, Prof!
Luigi runs off.
Parakarry: Oh! I have some mail for you!
Kolorado: Oh boy! Is it my "Fancy-Pants Weekly" magazine?
Parakarry: Um... Not quite.
He hands Kolorado an envelope and goes back to following Luigi.
Kolorado: From the IRS?! Pfft... That's not important.
Kolorado tosses the envelope away.
Kolorado: I'm going to play Professor Layton...
At Dry Dry Outpost...
Luigi: Geez, talk about deserted...
Parakarry: Please, Luigi, no more puns!
Luigi: Sorry.
They look around.
Parakarry: So... I wonder who we talk to?
Luigi: I wonder if there's a store that sells fans.
They walk over to a brown mouse wearing a cloak.
Luigi: Do you know where Dry Dry Ruins is?
Mouse: Mayyyybe...
Luigi sighs.
Luigi: What do you want?
Mouse: Do you have any Lemons?
Luigi: Lemons? This is the Mushroom Kingdom! How am I even supposed to FIND Lemons?
The mouse stares blankly at him.
Luigi: All right, all right! I'll try to find one myself! C'mon, Parakarry.
They go into the store and walk up to the counter.
Luigi: Do you sell Lemons?
Clerk: ... What's a "Lemon"?
Luigi's face turns red and he's tempted to rip the hair off of his head.
Luigi: Never mind...
They go back to the expedition.
Luigi: Hey, Kolorado!
Kolorado: Greetings, comrad! You found out the location already?
Luigi: Er... sort of. There's this mouse who knows where it is, but he won't tell us anything unless we give him a Lemon.
Kolorado: Hm... I need to discuss this.
Kolorado walks into one of the tents.
Pennington: Yes... uh-huh... I see... huh? WHAT?! What in the world is a lemon?!
Kolorado walks out.
Kolorado: Sorry, mate, nothing I can do for ya.
Luigi: Typical. Days like this make me wish I was back in Brooklyn...
Luigi, frustrated, walks up to a tree and kicks it.
Luigi: OW! OW! OW!
A Lemon suddenly falls out of the tree.
Luigi: What the...
Luigi shakes it, making a lot of lemons fall out.
Luigi: These trees were filled with lemons the whole time?!
Pennington: Oh, THAT'S what they're called? We've been calling them "Tangy Yellow Things".
Luigi grabs a lemon, whacks Pennington in the head with his hammer, and walks back to the town.
Mouse: Thank you, sir! You are so nice... nice enough to know my true identity!
He takes his cloak off, revealing his turban.
Mouse: I am... MOUSTAFA!
Parakarry: Who?
Moustafa: I'm the leader of this town!
Parakarry: Oh, okay.
Luigi: Maybe if we had a competent author, we would've actually had a proper setup...
Shut up!
Moustafa: Anyhow, you want to get to Dry Dry Ruins, correct?
Luigi: Yes!
Moustafa: Well, you'll have to travel through the desert... yes, OFF the path. You'll also have to use this shiny gem thingie!
{LUIGI RECEIVED SHINY GEM THINGIE!}
Luigi: That was weird.
Moustafa: What was weird?
Luigi: Um... nothing.
Moustafa: Okay, then! I'm gonna sleep now.
He runs into his house, which they were standing in front of the whole time.
Parakarry: He's not homeless?! What a moocher!
Luigi: Never mind that! We have to get that next Star Spirit!
They walk back to the expedition (such repetition).
Kolorado: So, NOW you know where it is?
Luigi: Not exactly. But I DO know that we have to use this to open it!
Luigi takes the amulet out of his pocket.
Kolorado: HOLY MOLEY! What are you guys waiting for?! Let's go!
Kolorado runs off in reckless abandon.
Luigi: Oh lord... Parakarry, try to keep him out of trouble!
Parakarry: Aye aye!
Parakarry flies away.
Luigi: Well, looks like I'm going solo for now!
Luigi runs off into the desert.
Pennington: What?! You can't go on an epic quest without the great Pennington! Wait for me!
Pennington waddles out in the direction that Kolorado and Parakarry went.
Meanwhile...
Luigi: I wish that he would've at least had the decency to give me a map...
A Whacka suddenly pops out of the ground.
Whacka: Whaaack-hoo! The name’s Whacka! What are you looking for?
Luigi: The Ruins.
Whacka: Ohhhhhh... Are you talking about the temple? It's deep underground! Wooo!
Luigi: Underground?!
Whacka: Yeah, but you have the Pulse Stone, right?
Luigi: You mean this?
He takes it out.
Whacka: Yeah, that’s it! Whack-ow! It should act as a tracking device! As soon as you get near it, it should rise out of the ground!
Luigi: Oh, thank you!
Whacka: No prob, weird mustached man! Whaaaaaaaack-hooooo!
Whacka tunnels back underground.
Elsewhere (don't you love transitions?)...
Kolorado: Oh, we are so hopelessly lost! I crave the iced tea and crumpets from my homeland!
Parakarry: For the last time, you're not British!
Kolorado: What the deuce are you talking about?! Of course I'm British!
Parakarry: Ugh, whatever...
Pennington: Stop the weeping, my fellow comrades! The Magnificent Pennington has arrived! I know, times without me have been tough... but I will make everything all right!
Kolorado: What the frag are you jabbering on about? Sodding penguin...
Pennington: You love me! You need me! Spout your cacophony of adoration!
Kolorado: You're a little spastic, you know that?
Pennington: What in the world is THAT supposed to mean?
Parakarry: You'll find out later, trust me.
Pennington: All right then. For now, let’s search for clues…
He takes out his magnifying glass, which magnifies the light from the sun and… well, we’ll let him explain the rest.
Pennington: MY EYE! MY EYE!
One Exposition Later…
Luigi: Hey! The stone is beeping! I think I’m getting closer!
Parakarry: … Is it just me, or is there a beeping sound?
Pennington puts a monocle over his burnt eye.
Pennington: Ah… That’s MUCH better.
They suddenly start to sink.
Pennington: What the- GAH!!! I-it’s… GRABOIDS! Quick, take evasive action!
Kolorado: This doesn’t have to do with worms, you buffoon! It’s quicksand!
Parakarry: … And it’s dragging us in!
As they get completely submerged in the sand, the temple rises out of the ground. Logic has no bearing on this.
Luigi: Dry Dry Ruins! Excellent!
Luigi walks inside, completely unaware of the impending danger that lurks within.
Luigi: Gee, this place is DARK.
A bunch of candles suddenly light up.
???: That better?
Luigi: Yeah, thanks! Hey, wait… Who’s talking?!
???: Leave this place, NOW, or may doomy things of… um… DOOMYNESS drop upon your godforsaken skull!
Luigi: Um… What?
???: Just leave.
Luigi: Author, is that you?!
No.
Luigi: What’s going on here?
He walks over to two sarcophagi, and two Mummipokies jump out.
Luigi: YIKES!
They moan and inch toward him very slowly.
Luigi: I’ll be leaving now.
Luigi walks out of the room.
Mummipokies: Cooooome baaaaaack…
He finds a door, where there’s a hole shaped like a pyramid.
Luigi: What am I supposed to find?!
He looks at a pedestal way up high, which has a small pyramid-shaped stone on it.
Luigi: Oh.
He walks up the slope and takes the stone off the pedestal, quickly placing a Mushroom on it for compensation.
Luigi: I’m not falling for THAT old trick.
Luigi confidently strides down the slope… as the pedestal suddenly slides up, due to the Mushroom not having enough weight. As such, a giant boulder rolls out.
Luigi: What’s that?
He turns around.
Luigi: D’oh!
He sprints down the slope and slams the stone into the door, diving into the room before the boulder can crush him.
Luigi: Whew… That was a close one.
Luigi suddenly spots a Super Hammer just laying on the ground. He quickly takes advantage of the situation.
Luigi: Wow, no traps or anything! Lucky!
He spots another door with a differently shaped hole.
Luigi: ANOTHER door?! … Forget this.
He uses his new hammer to make a different kind of hole in the door and jumps through. He finds a Koopa dressed in Egyptian garb standing in front of Kolorado, Parakarry, and Pennington, who are all tied to poles.
Luigi: So, YOU’RE the one who threatened me a few minutes ago!
???: Um… uh… DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT $200!
Luigi: Tell me your name!
???: Oh, fine. You’re no fun, ya know that?! The name’s Tutankoopa. Yeah, I ripped off Tutankhamen, what of it?!
Luigi: You have the next Star Spirit, don’t you?!
Tutankoopa: So what if I do?! What are YOU gonna do about it, jerk?!
Luigi: I'm gonna beat it out of you, that's what I'm gonna do!
Tutankoopa: Oh, so we have a tough guy, huh? Well, THIS is going to be interesting!
He snaps his finger and two Chain Chomps come out.
Luigi: YOWZAH!!!
Tutankoopa: Attack him, my pets!
They both growl as they back Luigi up towards the wall.
Luigi: Well, looks like I'm between a rock and a hard place...
He spots Parakarry, tied up.
Luigi: Aha!
He throws a fireball at the rope, freeing Parakarry.
Parakarry: Whew... Thanks a lot! He was going to make us watch Oklahoma!
Luigi: You're a sick, vile monster!
Tutankoopa: You would be too, if someone forced you to stay underground for several hours.
Luigi ignores him, hopping over the Chain Chomps.
Luigi: Nyah! Nyah! Can't catch me!
They growl and charge towards Luigi. At the very last second, jumping a little bit out of the way, he grabs their chains and hurls them around. He tosses them into the air and Parakarry manages to grab one of them. He flies over Tutankoopa.
Tutankoopa: Oh phoo...
He drops the Chain Chomp on Tutankoopa, presumably crushing him.
Parakarry: How do you carry these things?! They're freaking HEAVY!
Luigi throws more fireballs, freeing Kolorado and Pennington.
Kolorado: Thanks a lot, old bean! I was in quite a bind!
Pennington: Great work, Luigi! I'll make you my new sidekick!
Luigi: Um, why are you wearing a monocle?
Pennington: Don't ask.
Luigi: But I already did!
Pennington: Hush up, you!
Parakarry: Where's that Star Spirit at, anyway?
A card (Mamar) suddenly descends down from the sky and Luigi grabs it.
Luigi: YAHOO!!!
END OF CHAPTER
Luigi got another Star Spirit. Looks
like he won't need Mario after all! Luigi and Co. leave the desert, parting
ways with Kolorado and his crew. Where will their adventure bring them
next? Speaking of which, let's see what Peach and Twink are up to...
Peach: Wow, this chapter FINALLY comes out! What took so long?!
Twink: He was um... busy.
Peach: Yeah, busy... Busy playing video games.
Well, uh... um... SHUT UP!
Peach: Anyhow, what should we do now?
Twink: Let's go to the library! There should be a lot of useful information in there!
Peach: People don't read books anymore! We just look everything up on the Internet!
Twink: Yes. But Bowser took away your computer, remember?
Peach: Oh yeah. Perhaps I shouldn't have Skyped with Mario...
Twink: Um... What did you tell him?
Peach: I sent him some pictures.
Twink: ... Yeahhh, I know why he took it now. Anyhow, TO THE LIBRARY!
They go through the secret passage, to the castle's library.
Peach: Oh, shoot! There's guards in here!
Twink: Do you have a box?
Peach: What?
Twink: Never mind.
Twink takes a book off the shelf and throws it into a corner, making a loud noise.
Koopatrol #1: It's that darn weasel again!
Koopatrol #2: SWIPER NO SWIPEE!!!
Several guards run to the corner to investigate, but two guards remain at the very end of the room. Peach and Twink head towards them and hide behind the bookcase so they can eavesdrop on their conversation.
Koopatrol #3: … So yeah, did you hear that Luigi got ANOTHER Star Spirit?
Hammer Bro: Yeah, that Tutankoopa guy was always such a wimp. Although I hear that one of the Star Spirits is guarded by Tubba Blubba. He’s invincible!
Peach: INVINCIBLE?!
Koopatrol #3: Hey, who was that?!
Twink: Way to go, Jabber Jaws…
Twink flies out of the conveniently placed window right as the Koopatrol and Hammer Bro come around the corner.
Hammer Bro: What the- How did YOU get out of your room?
Koopatrol #3: We’d better take her inside before we get in big trouble…
They grab her and walk her back to her room.
Peach: I should learn to keep my mouth shut… Oh well. I’ll see what’s on TV.
She turns on the TV, Full House appears onscreen.
Peach: Ew…
She changes the channel.
Peach: Um…
She changes the channel again.
Peach: What the-
She rapidly presses the channel button.
Peach: IT’S ON EVERY CHANNEL!!!