Chapter 3: The Stocky Horror Picture Show
Luigi: Wow, I can't believe that I've got two already!
Mamar: Yeah! And then you beat that guy, and I got all swirly... SO FUN!
Luigi: You LIKE being in a card?
Mamar: Yeah, then I can play Go Fish!
Luigi: Wha- Um... Never mind.
Twink: Hey, Luigi!
Luigi: Oh, Twink! What's up?
Twink: I found out that the next Star Spirit is being guarded by someone named Tubba Blubba. I think that he lives somewhere past Forever Forest.
Parakarry: Why is it called "Forever Forest"?
Twink: Because no one's ever gotten out.
Luigi: GAH!!! Can't you help us get through?
Twink: Um... Oh, gee, look at the time! I need to get back to the princess!
Luigi: Hey, you don't even HAVE a watch!
Twink flies away.
Parakarry: I don't like that guy.
Mamar: Wow, he was adorable! And he sounded like a chipmunk! WE'RE THE CHIPMUNKS!
Parakarry: ... I don't like her either.
Luigi: Get her out of here!
A boot appears and kicks her, making her fly away.
Mamar: I BELIEVE I CAN FLYYYYYYY...
Parakarry: That was weird.
Luigi: You'll get used to it after awhile.
They walk over towards the forest, when a guard stops them.
Luigi: What's the big idea?!
Guard: I'm not allowed to let anyone in! Dangerous monsters live inside!
Luigi: Do you know who I am? I'm Luigi!
Guard: ... Who?
Luigi: Mario's brother!
Guard: Mario has a brother?
Guard: Huh. Well, I still can't let you in.
The guard turns around.
The voice reveals itself to be a Boo, and it makes a very scary face.
Boo: LEARN YOUR PLACE, YOU LITTLE CRETINS!
Luigi: YIKES! A g-g-ghost!
Luigi trembles in fear.
Boo: HA! Looks like we have a jumpy one! Come in if you dare... if you're not too much of a chicken, that is!
The Boo lets out its trademark high-pitched laugh and flies into the forest.
Guard: Well, w-w-what are you w-waiting for? G-go get him, Luigi!
Luigi: Why don't YOU go?! I'm just as scared as you are!
The guard shoves Luigi into the forest and locks the gate.
Luigi: Well, it looks like we don't have much of a choice.
Parakarry: This looks like some place Tim Burton would dream up!
Luigi: ... Is it just me, or do the trees have eyes?
Tree: It's just you.
Luigi: Oh, good, I- Hey, wait a minute!
Parakarry: ... Shall we run for our lives?
They run around and scream like little babies.
Parakarry: We've been running for 15 minutes! I think that we should've gotten a little further by now.
They stop and look up at a tree.
Luigi: ... Is that the same freaking tree?!
Tree: Yep. Sorry to disappoint.
Luigi: Ugh... This place is like a labyrinth! Can't you just fly up and carry me past the woods?
Parakarry: Well, I can try...
2 minutes later...
Parakarry: URGH!!! Ever heard of diets, pal?!
Luigi: Oh, hush! It looks like there's a mansion over there, maybe we can stop there and ask someone for directions?
Parakarrry: PRAISE THE LORD!
He lands on the ground, gasping for breath.
Luigi: Geez, do I really weigh THAT much?
They walk over towards the mansion, until they hear a certain familiar voice...
???: Luigi? I didn't expect YOU to be here!
Luigi and Parakarry turn around.
Luigi: E. Gadd! Long time no see!
Parakarry: (Why does he sound like an Ewok?)
E. Gadd: I came here to do some research! It turns out that this mansion is populated by Boos!
Luigi: Boy, doesn't THAT sound familiar...
E. Gadd: Yeah, good times... Anyhow, what are you here for?
Luigi: Well... *insert exposition here* ...and that's why I'm here.
E. Gadd: Oh, alrighty then! Well, if that's the case, I think you'll need this!
He goes inside the cabin and come back out.
E. Gadd: Voila!
Luigi: The Gameboy Horror!
E. Gadd: It still has the Boo Radar on there and everything!
Stuffwell: And you’d better like it, dang it!
Luigi: What was that?
E. Gadd: Oh, er… It was nothing! Good luck!
Luigi and Parakarry go into the mansion.
Luigi: H-hello? Is anyone there?
He takes out his Gameboy Horror, which is beeping like crazy.
Parakarry: Um... Perhaps we should go somewhere else?
They run towards the door, which suddenly locks on its own.
Luigi: Rats! The door suddenly locked on its own!
ARGH!!! I already said that!
Parakarry: Well, it looks like we're going to have to stay here for awhile.
Luigi: I just love it when you state the obvious.
They walk upstairs and enter a random room.
Luigi: Hey, a record player!
Parakarry: What's a record?
Luigi: They play music, they're from two formats ago. Now people use them as paperweights.
Parakarry: I see... Try playing it!
Luigi walks up to the record player and turns the crank, and music suddenly starts to play.
Parakarry: ... "Surfing Bird"?
???: OH MY GOD! I LOVE this song!
A Boo suddenly appears, dancing to the music.
Parakarry: Hey, Luigi, do you see that? He has something shiny inside of him! SHINY, DARN IT!
Luigi: Yeah, he does! Hm...
Luigi slowly starts to turn the crank faster, thus speeding up the music and making the Boo increase the speed at which he dances.
Luigi: Just as I thought!
Eventually Luigi makes the Boo dance so fast that he explodes (although the object somehow remains intact).
Parakarry: An anvil?
Luigi: What in the holy mother of random pop culture references am I supposed to do with THIS?!
Luigi shrugs and picks it up.
Luigi: OH GAWD! IT’S SO HEAVY!
Parakarry: Now you know how I feel…
Luigi stumbles out of the room (due to its sheer weight) and falls on the chandelier, making it fall down to the floor, which opens a hidden door. Convoluted, ain’t it?
Parakarry: Hey, Luigi! There’s a new room here! Let’s check it out!
Luigi: All right…
Luigi lets go of the anvil and runs
over towards the room.
Meanwhile, in Peach’s Castle… Wait, isn’t this a little too early?
Bowser: As far as I’M concerned, it isn’t! Now then, let’s get down to business…
Boo (the one at the beginning of the Chapter): Yes, sir, Mr. Bowser, sir!
Bowser: *sigh* You can stop calling me “sir”, Timmy.
Timmy: Okay! Whatever you say, si-
Timmy: … Sigfried and Roy?
Bowser: Ugh… Never mind. Anyhow, some double agents pretending to work for some wealthy Boo informed me that one of those pesky Mario Bros. is up at Tubba Blubba’s Mansion trying to get the Star Spirit! Somehow, you are one of my highest-ranking officers… so I’m assigning you to assist Tubba Blubba in giving that plumber the axe! If you know what I mean…
Timmy: Yeah, I think I do… But why would they need body spray?
Bowser: … Just leave.
Back to our heroes…
Boo: Why hello, Louis...
Boo: ... Mort. I think we have something that you want!
Luigi: Oh yeah? What would THAT be?
The Boo takes out a pair of blue boots.
Boo: SUPER BOOTS!
Luigi: Um... Really? What's so super abou-
Boo: Take it or leave it, bub.
Luigi: All right, all right! Geez...
Boo: RANDOM BOO SQUADRON, ASSEMBLE!
A bunch of Boos appear and suddenly circle each other in rapid succession, occasionally tossing the boots to another Boo.
Boo: Now... GUESS WHO!
The Jeopardy theme plays in the background.
Luigi: That one.
Luigi points at a random Boo.
Boo: H-how did you know?!
The Boo throws the boots at the ground in frustration, and Luigi promptly slips them on.
Luigi: You're transparent. I can see through all of you.
Boo: Oh... Shoot.
Generic Boo #2: PLAN B! PLAN B!
They whack Luigi and Parakarry in the back of their heads with a stick, knocking them out.
Several hours later...
Luigi: Ugh... Where am I... And where's my pants?!
Luigi rocks back and forth, realizing that he's tied to a chair.
Luigi: What the-
???: Confused, aren't you?
Luigi: Um... Yeah, I am. WHAT'S GOING ON?!
???: That's not important. But for now, let me introduce myself...
She flies into a crack of light... If you actually want to know what she looks like, look it up on YouTube or something.
Bow: Th' name's Bow! I am the richest Boo in the Mushroom Kingdom, as well as the owner of this very mansion that you're unwillingly being held captive in!
Luigi: Oh... Why'd you buy THIS mansion? It's trash.
Bow: It has good resale value.
Bow: But that's beside the point. There's a guy named Tubba Blubba who's hiding in this mansion... and he's eating Boos! I need you to help me stop him.
Luigi: Um... There's one flaw with your plan.
Bow: Eh? Wuzzat?
Luigi: Why would I want to help YOU?! You tied me up!
Bow: Ugh... You really need an incentive?! Men these days... BOOTLER!
Bootler: Yes, m'lady?
Bow: Lower the cage!
Bootler: Yes, mistress!
He lowers the cage... Guess what's inside, readers!
Luigi: A Star Spirit!
Luigi: Well... what if I still don't wanna help you?
Bow: I'll tell all of your friends that you wear Happy Bunny underpants.
Goombario: WOAH! SERIOUSLY?!
Luigi: GAH!!! All right, fine! I'll help you! Sheesh...
Bow: Those are the words I wanted to hear.
Bow unties Luigi and throws him his overalls, which he puts back on.
Luigi: All right, let's go.
Luigi and Bow exit the room.
Luigi: Wait a minute... What happened to Parakarry?
A legion of Dry Bones march towards Parakarry.
Dry Bones: BRAINS... WE NEED BRAINS...
Parakarry: OH GAWD! I JUST DELIVER THE MAIL!
Back to our he- oh, you get the gist.
Bow: Beats me.
Luigi: Well, I guess HE’S off my Christmas list… C’mon, let’s go.
They walk through the hallway, where Timmy suddenly materializes above them with an axe in hand.
Timmy: When Bowser said “Give him the axe” I didn’t think that he was serious! Now then… it’s time to get down to business…
Timmy looks down, spotting Luigi.
Timmy: Oh my god! THAT’S LUIGI!
Timmy swings his arms and loses his grip on the axe, which makes it go flying out the window…
Ms. Mowz: Oh, what a wonderful day for a walk! Nothing bad could possibly happen right now!
The axe lands on Ms. Mowz, right in the center of her head.
Ms. Mowz: … Why must I be a running gag?! WHO LAUGHS FROM THIS?!
I do, now shut up. You’re upsetting Kenny.
Ms. Mowz: Huh?
Kenny: (I said “Yeah”!)
Ms. Mowz: I can’t understand what this kid is saying!
Kenny tackles Ms. Mowz and gets out a giant mallet, which he-
Luigi: Look, can we just get back to the story?!
All right, all right!
Timmy: Aw, shoot… NOW what am I going to do? Luigi’s my friend… but Bowser’s my boss… Oh, I’m so conflicted! (More information on this relationship in a future parody! :P)
Bow: … Do you hear something?
Luigi: By now, I just try to tune out all idiocy.
Bow: Does it work?
Luigi: … Let’s get back to looking for that Tubba Blubba fellow, shall we?
Luigi's hand suddenly starts wiggling.
Luigi: What the…
Bow cuts his hand off with a chainsaw.
Luigi: GAHHHHHHH!!! #%@&! What did you do that for?!
Bow: Your hand looked possessed to me.
Luigi: Okay... But even so, why would you do that?!
Bow: It worked in Evil Dead II.
Hand: You can't believe EVERYTHING that you see in movies!
Luigi and Bow stare at him wide-eyed.
Luigi: ... KILL IT!
One battle with the hand later...
Luigi: Whew... I finally exorcised it and managed to reattach it!
Bow: I can't believe that you managed to get that hand out of your throat!
Luigi: Don't you just love stuff that you can't see?
After Luigi says those words of wisdom, he walks upstairs until he hears someone stomping towards them.
Bow: Quick, hold my hand!
Luigi does so.
Luigi: ... Aren't you gonna turn invisible?
Bow: Huh? What do you mean?
Luigi: Um... Try doing an impression of Lindsey Lohan's career!
Bow: OH! I can do that!
She makes them disappear right as Tubba Blubba walks into the hallway.
Tubba Blubba: No one's here... I swore that I heard something. Oh well, I guess I'll call my cousin and see how that Glitz Pitz thing is going, and then I'll take a quick nap.
Tubba Blubba yawns and lumbers bacl towards his room, with Bow turning back to normal once Tubba is a safe distance away.
Bow: Did you hear that?!
Luigi: Hear what?
Bow: He's going to sleep!
Luigi: ... So?
Bow: Gee, aren't YOU a buzzkill. Won't you let me have ANYTHING?
Luigi rolls his eyes and walks towards Tubba Blubba's room, where he now hears snoring.
Luigi: Okay, he's asleep now... We're going in!
They go into the room, where Tubba is laying on the bed with a bowl of Cheese Puffs in his lap and Family Guy playing on TV.
Luigi: Wow. He's out like a rock... Let's steal his stuff!
Luigi wanders through the room until he finds a key.
Key: Help me!
Luigi: Woah! You can talk?!
Key: Yeah! I'm the key to the Windmill! Please rescue me!
Luigi: But... aren't you Tubba Blubba's property?
Key: He has really bad gas.
Luigi: Ah. Okay, let's skedaddle while the guy's still aslee-
He glances over at Bow, who has put shaving cream on one of Tubba's hands and is tickling his nose.
Luigi: Bow, NO!!!
Tubba puts his hand on his face, covering himself with shaving cream.
Tubba Blubba: ... GRAUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!
Luigi: You idiot...
Key: Let's get outta here!
Luigi grabs Bow and the key and runs out of the room, with Tubba Blubba following shortly after.
Luigi: Hey Bow, is there some sort of shortcut that we can take?
Bow: Yeah, sure. There's a village right outside the mansion that leads directly to it. And it's entirely populated by Boos! Convenient, huh?
Luigi: Yeah... A little too convenient.
Key: Those Japanese writers sure love their plot devices!
Luigi runs to the village, jumping over the gate along the way.
Luigi: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Boo #1: ... Huh? What's that guy's problem?
Boo #2: Um... I think that's why.
He points to Tubba Blubba, who is sprinting towards the village.
Boo #1: Oh... well, that would explain it.
The entire town is immediately in pandemonium... which increases as Tubba runs into the town and starts eating every Boo in sight.
Luigi: Holy CDi! No wonder you're afraid of this guy!
Key: Hey, I see the windmill over there!
The key points (to the best of its ability) towards the windmill.
Luigi runs faster and makes it to the windmill, where he uses the key to unlock the door, and then takes it back out so he can lock it from the inside.
Luigi: Whew... That should hold him off for awhile.
Bow: Yeah... but what will we DO in here?
Key: Welll... the secret to Tubba Blubba's immortality just so happens to be at the bottom of this windmill!
Luigi: Well... that's certainly handy. C'mon, Bow!
Key: I'll be waiting for your eventual return! ... Or your death, I'm not quite sure.
Luigi and Bow go down the stairs until they reach a door.
Bow: HEY, LOOK!
Bow: It's a door! If you open it, it'll probably lead to something!
Luigi: ... Do you ALWAYS point out the obvious?
Bow: Clouds are in the sky!
Luigi: I'll take that as a yes.
Luigi opens the door and finds a heart with eyes.
Heart: Oh... shoot! How could you have found me?!
Luigi: Um... what ARE you?!
Heart: I'm Tubba Blubba's heart, of course!
Luigi: You look more like a Valentine's decoration to me.
Heart: ... Shut up.
Bow: Hey, let's have a fight to the death... a... MORTAL KOMBAT!
The Mortal Kombat theme plays in the background as Luigi and the heart fight... It actually ends pretty quickly, seeing as all that Luigi does is put his foot on top of it.
Luigi: Was it really a good idea for you to fight something that's three times your size?
Heart: It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The heart squeezes out from under Luigi's foot and hops up the stairs and somehow manages to make it to Tubba Blubba despite the door being locked... Oh yeah, and Luigi and Bow follow it, I guess.
Heart: Help me! I'm done for!
Tubba Blubba: But if we're reunited, I'll lose my immortality.
Heart: ... So?
Tubba Blubba: Can't argue with that logic.
Tubba Blubba swallows his heart whole.
Luigi: Um... Why did you do that?
Tubba Blubba: What do ya mean?
Luigi: Swallowing your heart won't get it back to where it was! Instead, you'll just end up digesting it!
Tubba Blubba: Oh... Well, this is embarrasi-
He crashes into Tubba's back at a high speed, which makes him spit out all of the Boos that he swallowed.
Tubba Blubba: ... Ow.
Tubba Blubba flashes white and explodes, for no reason.
Bow: What the?!
Luigi: Y-you don't wanna know...
Bow: Um... Let's go get you that Pure Heart, shall we?
Luigi & Co. go out into the distance, somewhat disturbed.
END OF CHAPTER
Luigi got another Pure Heart! ... Although Bow could've just given it to him earlier. What a jerk. Anyhow, his journey is almost half over! Pretty good for a "sidekick", huh? Anyhow, let's see how Peach and Twink are doing! ... I mean, it's not like there's anything else to talk about.
At Peach's Castle...
Peach: Hey, did you hear that Super Mario Galaxy 2 is coming out in May?
Twink: So soon? It's already March!
Peach: Yeah... and to think that the last chapter was done in October... hint, hint, wink, wink.
Twink: Nudge, nudge...
Okay, I get it!
Peach: Anyhow, what do you want to do today?
Twink: Should we raid Bowser's fridge again?
Peach: Hm... Yeah, that sounds like a good idea!
They go through the passage and stuff.
Peach: Geeze, the author's getting really lazy lately.
Twink: I don't think that was a compliment.
A boot appears out of thin air and kicks Twink out of a window.
You want to comment on anything?
Peach: Um... No, I'm good!
Peach walks into the kitchen, Twink is suddenly inside.
Twink: Hey, there!
Peach: How did you-
Twink: I suddenly remembered that I could fly!
Peach: Er... Okay. Anyway, let's go take his truffles again!
Twink: Yeah, that really ticks him off!
They wander through the kitchen until they find an extremely fat Shy Guy wearin' a chef's hat.
Chef Guy: H-how you doin'... *BURRRRRRP* Y-you're Peach, riiight?
Peach: Um... yeah.
Twink: Do you have diabetes ye-
Peach nudges him.
Twink: Hey, not so hard! Just because we're in a relationship doesn't mean you can take advantage of me!
Peach: Wait... what?!
Twink: You know what this is!
Peach: Um... Anyway, yeah, I'm Princess Peach. Why do you want to know?
Chef Guy: I heard that you can make a darn good cake. *Maximum Burpage* Can you make one for me? I'll do something for you in exchange.
Peach: Uh... sure! I'll be right back!
She runs off to the counter, taking several cooking supplies.
Twink: Are you sure that you still know how to bake a cake?
Peach: Of course! In the semi-annoying words of Bubsy: "What could possibly go wrong?"
Several Minutes Later...
Chef Guy: Oooooh, that cake looks nice...
Peach: Can you tell me where a Star Spirit is?
Chef Guy: Sure. There's one in Shy Guy Toy Box. It's in Toad Town.
Chef Guy takes a bite of the cake.
Chef Guy: I-is this coconut?
Peach: Yes. Why do you ask?
Chef Guy: I'm... allergic to coconut!
Chef Guy flashes white.
Twink: What the-