Chapter 4: Saving Private Twink
Luigi: Thanks for all of the help, Timmy! It's been awhile since I've seen you!
Timmy: Yeah, it has been! (Even though I'm a fan character...) Well, anyway, I've got to get going before Bowser figures out what I've been doing. Seeya, Luigi!
Luigi gives Timmy a high-five and waves at him as he flies away.
Luigi: ... So, Bow, how'd you get that Star Spirit, anyway?
Bow: Oh, I have my ways...
Bow: Hey, can I have that card?
Tubba Blubba: Sure, whatever.
*end of flashback* (I hope I don’t get sued by FOX)
Luigi: Um... Ok, then.
Skolar: Well, my fine gents, I guess we shall be parting ways!
Luigi: Yeah. I guess the same goes for us, Bow.
Bow: Oh... no! I'm goin’ with you.
Luigi: Wait... what?
Bootler: Whatever do you mean, my mistress?!
Bow: I can take care of myself!
Bootler: You can't even brush your own teeth, without me to help you!
Bow: Er... Anyway, let's go!
She pushes Luigi out the doorway and they go back into the Forest. Not long after they get into the forest, a certain someone jumps out of one of the bushes.
Jr. Troopa: Guess who, punk!
Luigi: Beats me.
Jr. Troopa: GAH!!! We met in the Prologue!
Luigi: Oh yeah, you're that little brat that wouldn't get out of my way.
Jr. Troopa: Grrrr... I'M NOT A LITTLE BRAT! I'M JR. TROOPA, DANG IT! I'm badder than the Axem Rangers!
Luigi: ... You're kidding, right? Those Red and Blue Goombas were more of a challenge than you!
Bow: ... Is that an eggshell?
Jr. Troppa: That was the straw that broke the Camel's back! THIS will put you in your place!
A spike grows on his head.
Jr. Troopa: Are you scared now?
Luigi: Um... no.
Bow: Not really.
Jr. Troopa: You shall feel the wrath of my spikeyness!
Jr. Troopa charges towards Luigi. Luigi then grabs his spike and tosses Jr. Troopa somewhere behind himself, almost effortlessly.
Luigi: C'mon, let's go.
Luigi starts walking again.
Bow: ... Seriously, was he in an eggshell?
Twink: I can't believe that guy exploded just from eating coconut!
Peach: ... Shouldn't you be waiting in Toad Town or something?
Twink: Well... yeah. But I was playing God of War. God of War is SRS business.
Kammy: HEY, TOADSTOO— Ow!
Bowser: Didn’t you get the memo?! We don’t use her localized name anymore!
Kammy: Oh... um… PEACH!
Peach: (whispering) Twink, go!
Twink nods and flies out of the window.
Peach: Come in!
Bowser opens the door and walks inside, with Kammy following close behind.
Bowser: Hello, Princess… How are you?
Peach: Pretty good, I guess… There’s not much to do, though.
Bowser: Oh, really now? Well… try out this survey!
Bowser hands a piece of paper attached to a clipboard along witha pen to her.
Bowser: Luigi’s been getting a little too big for his britches… so you have to put checkmarks on the things that he hates the most.
Kammy: We’ll be anticipating your answers!
Bowser: Yeah, I mean, it’s not like you’ll try to betray us and actually put in things that would help him!
Bowser: Anyway, we’ll be waiting outside the room.
In Toad Town…
Luigi: Ahhh… It feels good to be back!
Guard: Wait… you’re alive?!
Luigi: Er… yeah.
Guard: We prepared your funeral and everything!
Luigi: But I’ve only been gone for about an hour and a half.
Guard: … Honestly, we don’t really have any faith in you.
Luigi glances to the side, trying not to look angry.
Luigi: Why?! The thing that Mario’s probably the most well known for is jumping, and I can jump higher than him!
Guard: Really? Huh… never noticed that. Well, I guess I’ll have to go cancel that funeral now…
Luigi rolls his eyes as he walks back into the town.
Luigi: I wonder where Twink is? He’s usually around town before we get here.
Twink conveniently appears right as Luigi says this.
Twink: Whew… Sorry I’m late! I had an intense God of War session!
Luigi: That’s all right. Where’s the next Star Spirit?
Twink: Right in this very town!
Luigi: Wow, talk about a lucky break!
Twink: … You didn’t let me finish. It’s in a place called the Shy Guy Toy Box.
Bow: S’at a toy store or something?
Luigi: Uh, I don’t think that’s the case…
Luigi points to a bunch of Shy Guys running amok in the town.
Twink: HOLY GUACAMOLE!
Bow: Hey, I like guacamole!
Twink stares blankly at her.
Bow: … What?
Twink: Um… Anyway, I think I’ll be going no—
A Shy Guy suddenly jumps into the air, grabs Twink, and runs off in practically an instant.
Luigi: … What in the world just happened?!
Bow: Don’t ask me! I don’t even know who that guy is!
Luigi: Remind me why you came along again?
Luigi follows the Shy Guy into a random house.
Bow: Wow, all we had to use was this cardboard box!
Luigi: Works every time!
The Shy Guy looks around the room (he doesn’t hear them in the box, due to his hood) and opens the toy box, jumping into it.
Luigi: C’mon, let’s go!
Luigi throws the box off and hops inside, with Bow close behind.
Luigi: Wow… This place is HUGE!!!
Bow: S’ like Alice in Wonderland!
Luigi: I a theater near you!
They look around this vast world. One of the first things that they spot is a train. They walk over to the conductor.
Luigi: So… you work here?
Blue Conductor: Yeah, sure, they have good benefits! The Shy Guys are in practically every profession ever!
Luigi: Boy, doesn’t that sound familiar… *cough*Mario*cough* Anyway, does this train work?
Blue Conductor: No, not right now. Parts of the tracks are missing!
Luigi: Wha… Who would take train tracks?!
Blue Conductor: They heard that you were coming here, so they took the tracks away to impede your progress.
Luigi: They actually planned ahead?! … Dang, these guys are GOOD.
Luigi paces back and forth.
Luigi: I actually have competent foes for once! Hm… What to do, what to do…
Bow: What we need now is… a plot device!
Luigi: Yeah! They’re always handy! … But where could we find one in a place like this?
He decides to walk to another area in the room, scanning the area around him.
Bow: Hey, that guy may have one!
She points at a black Shy Guy.
Luigi: Hey... you're right! He looks different from the others!
As Luigi walks toward him, he steps on a spot on the ground, setting off a trap (kind of like Indiana Jones).
Luigi: What the--
Shy Guys: ATTACK!
Shy Guys fly in (they tied balloons to themselves) and use peashooters to spit rocks at Luigi.
Luigi: OW! That hurt!
Luigi runs around, trying to dodge the rocks.
Luigi: BOW, DO SOMETHING!
Bow grabs Luigi as he's running by and
throws him into the air. He steers himself towards the Shy Guys and bashes
them with a hammer, making them fall to the ground.
The black Shy Guy, Anti Guy, starts clapping.
Anti Guy: Congratulations, you got rid of my human shields! ... AND I PITY THE FOOL WHO MESSES WITH MY HUMAN SHIELDS!
Anti Guy takes out a pistol.
Bow: He's got a piece!
Luigi: Hey, that’s not fair!
Anti Guy: Why not? Mario had a bazooka once!
Luigi: Oh yeah! That was when he was trying to get rid of Rush Limbaugh…
Anti Guy: All right, now... raise your hands!
Luigi: But I-
Anti Guy: I SAID, RAISE YOUR HANDS!
Anti Guy loads the gun and Luigi and Bow raise their hands into the air.
Luigi: This is what a hostage situation is like, kids!
Anti Guy: All right, now follow me, or else I'll bust a cap in your-
Bow: Hey, this is a family website!
Anti Guy: Oh, yes... I almost forgot. Well, anyway.
Anti Guy walks them over to another room, where there's a very authoritative-looking Shy Guy sitting inside of a tank.
Anti Guy: I got the intruders, just like you ordered me to, General Guy!
Anti Guy salutes.
General Guy: Excellent...
General Guy hops out of the tank, revealing that he's very short... shorter than the other Shy Guys, anyway.
Luigi: PFFFFT... Hey, Peewee! What'cha gonna do, force us to have a tea party with you?
Luigi and Bow laugh uncontrollably.
General Guy: ...
General Guy walks over to Luigi and kicks him very hard in the shin.
General Guy: Nobody EVER compares me to Paul Reubens... NOBODY!
Luigi: Geez... You're strong for such a little guy.
General Guy: That settles it! You two will be our new POWs, and we'll put you in a special cell... it'll be EXTRA dirty and uncomfortable! SERGEANT! Make sure to put extra cinderblocks in their pillow cases!
Sgt. Guy: DE ARIMASU!
General Guy: ... Huh?
Sgt. Guy: Er... Nothing.
Sgt. Guy runs off.
General Guy: Um... yes, anyway, take them to their cells, random generic Shy Guy!
Random Generic Shy Guy: 'K.
The Shy Guy takes them to their special cell and slams the door shut.
General Guy: Heh... I hope you learned your lesson, plumber! After all, you won't be getting out of that cell any time soon...
Luigi: Why not?!
General Guy: Because Bowser entrusted ME to guard the Star Spirit!
General Guy takes the card out of hammer-space and hands it to a random Shy Guy, who puts it in the tank.
General Guy: ... I also have that little friend of yours. Twink, isn't it?
Luigi: Twink? What did you do with him?!
General Guy: Oh, you’ll find out soon enough…
General Guy starts to walk away from the cell.
General Guy: …AS SOON AS SOMEONE GETS THAT GUNPOWDER I ASKED FOR!
The Shy Guys start to scramble around madly.
Luigi: Well… I never thought that it would end like this…
Bow: Yeah… Good thing I saved this for just such an occasion!
She takes out a harmonica and starts playing sad songs with it.
Luigi: Oh gawd… Bow, don’t do that!
A light suddenly starts flickering, from the other person (a female) in the room.
???: I-is that music?
Luigi: Bow, wait, stop!
Bow stops playing the instrument and they both stare at her for a moment (once again, when in doubt, go to YouTube... or the Mario Wiki).
???: … What?
Luigi: Who are you?
???: Oh… My name is Watt. I’ve been a prisoner here for a few weeks.
Bow: Hey, we just got here today!
Watt: Huh, small world… What are you here for?
Luigi: We tried to fight the black Shy Guy.
Watt: … How long did YOU last?
Bow: About ten seconds.
Watt: Well, that was two seconds longer than me. Well done!
Luigi: Um… Thanks, I guess.
Watt: Did you insult the General’s size?
Luigi: Er… Hey, you can apparently create light in here, did you try to find a way out of here?
Watt: What do you think I’ve been doing here for the past few weeks?
Luigi: Well, that’s disappointing…
Luigi looks down at the ground, seeing a section of the floor that’s boarded up.
Luigi: Wait a minute… Everyone, stand— er… float out of the way!
Both Bow and Watt move aside and Luigi uses his recently acquired Spin Jump ability to bust through the planks.
Watt: Wow, that was amazing!
Luigi: Aw, it’s nothing!
Watt: No, really! Thanks for saving me! I’ll stick with you, through thick and thin!
Bow suddenly flies into Luigi’s pocket.
Bombette: … Hey, who’re you? Where’s that mailman guy?
Luigi: Anyway, where are we?
Watt: I think it’s the basement!
Luigi: What makes ya say that?
Watt shines brighter, revealing a bunch of boxes filled with ammo and weapons surrounding them.
Watt: Oh, no reason…
Luigi: Sheesh! This place is more like an armory than a basement!
Watt: General Guy loves his Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Luigi: So I see…
Luigi spots a crate of Lemon Candies.
Luigi: Hey, what are those?
Watt: I have an idea!
She takes one of the Lemon Candies and exits the basement with Luigi.
Anti Guy: HEY! What are you guys doi—
Watt throws the Lemon Candy into his mouth.
Anti Guy: O-oh GOD. Th-this is like HEAVEN!
Anti Guy suddenly sits on the ground and starts sucking on it complacently.
Luigi: Wow, how did you know that would work?!
Watt: Every day, I hear him going on and on about how much he loves that stuff… Apparently, he loves it a little TOO much.
Luigi: I see…
Luigi and Watt wander around until they spot Gourmet Guy (the really fat Shy Guy) sitting in the middle of the train tracks.
Luigi: Hey, didn’t you explode in the last chapter?!
Gourmet Guy: Yes. What’s it to ya?
Luigi: Um… Anyway, why are you sitting in the middle of the tracks?
Gourmet Guy: Because I’m tired.
Luigi: Um… Do you know where any of the missing ones are?
Gourmet Guy: I ate them.
Watt: WHO WOULD EAT TRAIN TRACKS?!
Gourmet Guy: I would.
Luigi: Well, can you spit them back out?
Gourmet Guy: Yes… IF YOU BEAT ME IN A SUMO WRESTLING MATCH!
Gourmet Guy struggles to get up… and Luigi pushes him back down.
Gourmet Guy: … All right, you win.
He gets back up (after a few minutes) and the tracks magically fly out of his mouth, arranging themselves in the correct places.
Gourmet Guy: I’m gonna go home and eat a pizza…
Gourmet Guy grumbles and (very slowly) walks off.
Watt: That… was bizarre.
Luigi: Tell me about it.
Luigi and Watt get on one of the trains.
Pink Conductor: Like, greetings, passengers! Our next stop is like, General Guy’s Ultra-Awesome-Secret-Lair! Isn’t that thuper?!
Kolorado: Luigi, is that you?
Luigi: Hi, Professor!
Pennington: Why, Luigi, cheerio!
Luigi: … Hey, Pennington.
Kolorado: Pennington, you stupid bloke!
Kolorado whacks him with a Holy Grail.
Kolorado: Stop trying to impersonate my perfect British accent!
Pennington: But you’re not even British!
Kolorado whacks him again.
Kolorado: Anyway, what are you doin’ here, old chap?
Luigi: We’re trying to get to General Guy so we can get the Star Spirit.
Kolorado: Ah. Well, we’re riding this train all the way to Yoshi’s Island.
Watt: … How can you even get there from here?
Pennington: Because Mario games aren’t really all that logical to begin with.
Pink Conductor: We have arrived at our destination! Have a nice day!
Kolorado: Well, I’ll be seeing you later, Luigi!
Luigi: Okay! And good luck with that Yoshi’s Island thing! I don’t think we’ll be going there anytime soon…
Luigi and Watt get off of the train… and Kammy is in the entrance to General Guy’s base, staring at them.
Kammy: There ya are, you little whippersnappers… Try THIS on for size!
Kammy makes a Starman appear.
Kammy teleports herself back to Bowser’s Castle. Luigi walks to General Guy’s base.
Luigi: Eh, what’s this?
Luigi picks up the Starman.
Luigi: Heh… EXCELLENT…
Shy Guy: General Guy! General Guy!
General Guy: What is it, Generic Shy Guy #2?! Can’t you see that I’m shining Amy?!
The Shy Guy looks at him, seeing a rifle in his lap.
Shy Guy: Um… right. But Luigi and that Sparky thing have disposed of both Anti Guy and Gourmet Guy!
General Guy: WHAT?! Those are our most powerful troops!
Shy Guy: Yeah… and he’s in our base right now!
General Guy: WHAT?!
Luigi busts through the wall with his hammer.
Luigi: Hello there, shorty!
General Guy: … Phoo. SEND OUT THE BOB-OMB SQUADRON!
An army of Bob-ombs march towards Luigi… and he promptly throws his hammer at one of them, which makes them all explode on impact.
General Guy: ARGH! Never send some bombs to do a crazy man’s job!
General Guy hops into his tank and fires at Luigi… except he’s still standing! … And flashing!
General Guy: DOUBLE PHOO!
Luigi jumps up, sticks General Guy in the tank gun, and fires it, making General Guy fly off into parts unknown.
General Guy: I KNEW I SHOULD’VE GOTTEN LIFE INSURANCE!!!
Watt spots something glowing in a panel on the front of the tank.
Watt: Hey! What’s in here?
She zaps the glass, breaking it open.
Twink: H-hey, I’m free!
Luigi: Twink, it’s you!
Twink: Thanks, guys… And oh yeah, I know where the Star Spirit is!
Twink flies into the tank and looks around for a few seconds until he takes the card out and gives it to Luigi.
END OF CHAPTER
Luigi got his 4th Star Spirit! … And to think that he might’ve NEVER gotten it, if it wasn’t for that Starman! You’re halfway through, Luigi! But be careful… it’s going to get A LOT tougher along the way! But before we end this chapter, we’re going to focus on a certain character for now…
Mario: Forgot about me, didn’t ya? WAHOO!
Mario is flying the air with his Raccoon Suit, searching around Peach’s castle for a place to enter.
Mario: Hm… Now, let’s see…
Mario spots a broken window.
Mario: Hey, there’s a window that’s already open for me!
He flies through the hole in the window.
Mario: Hm… There doesn’t seem to be anyone around! Rescuing the princess is going to be a CINCH!
He opens the door out of the room… only to find General Guy and an army of Shy Guys standing in front of him.
General Guy: Hello there…
General Guy: Give up, plumber! You’re outnumbered!
Mario: … Hey, can you tell me where the next Star Spirit is?
General Guy: HA! I’ll NEVER tell you that the next Star Spirit is on Yoshi’s Island! Not in a million years!
Everyone stares blankly at him.
General Guy: … DANG IT! Shy Guys, throw him out of the window!
Mario: Pfft… You don’t have the guts to do that!
5 minutes later…
Mario: I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY DID THAT!