Paper Luigi: Quest for the Star Spirits

By Koopa Kid

Chapter 4:  Saving Private Twink

Luigi:  Thanks for all of the help, Timmy! It's been awhile since I've seen you!

Timmy:  Yeah, it has been! (Even though I'm a fan character...) Well, anyway, I've got to get going before Bowser figures out what I've been doing. Seeya, Luigi!

Luigi gives Timmy a high-five and waves at him as he flies away.

Luigi:  ... So, Bow, how'd you get that Star Spirit, anyway?

Bow:  Oh, I have my ways...


Bow:  Hey, can I have that card?

Tubba Blubba:  Sure, whatever.

*end of flashback* (I hope I don’t get sued by FOX)

Luigi:  Um... Ok, then.

Skolar:  Well, my fine gents, I guess we shall be parting ways!

Luigi:  Yeah. I guess the same goes for us, Bow.

Bow:  Oh... no! I'm goin’ with you.

Luigi:  Wait... what?

Bootler:  Whatever do you mean, my mistress?!

Bow:  I can take care of myself!

Bootler:  You can't even brush your own teeth, without me to help you!

Bow:  Er... Anyway, let's go!

She pushes Luigi out the doorway and they go back into the Forest. Not long after they get into the forest, a certain someone jumps out of one of the bushes.

Jr. Troopa:  Guess who, punk!

Luigi:  Beats me.

Jr. Troopa:  GAH!!! We met in the Prologue!

Luigi:  Oh yeah, you're that little brat that wouldn't get out of my way.

Jr. Troopa:  Grrrr... I'M NOT A LITTLE BRAT! I'M JR. TROOPA, DANG IT! I'm badder than the Axem Rangers!

Luigi:  ... You're kidding, right? Those Red and Blue Goombas were more of a challenge than you!

Bow: ... Is that an eggshell?

Jr. Troppa:  That was the straw that broke the Camel's back! THIS will put you in your place!

A spike grows on his head.

Jr. Troopa:  Are you scared now?

Luigi:  Um... no.

Bow:  Not really.

Jr. Troopa:  You shall feel the wrath of my spikeyness!

Jr. Troopa charges towards Luigi. Luigi then grabs his spike and tosses Jr. Troopa somewhere behind himself, almost effortlessly.

Luigi:  C'mon, let's go.

Luigi starts walking again.

Bow:  ... Seriously, was he in an eggshell?


Twink:  I can't believe that guy exploded just from eating coconut!

Peach:  ... Shouldn't you be waiting in Toad Town or something?

Twink:  Well... yeah. But I was playing God of War. God of War is SRS business.

Kammy:  HEY, TOADSTOO— Ow!

Bowser:  Didn’t you get the memo?! We don’t use her localized name anymore!

Kammy:  Oh... um… PEACH!

Peach:  (whispering) Twink, go!

Twink nods and flies out of the window.

Peach:  Come in!

Bowser opens the door and walks inside, with Kammy following close behind.

Bowser:  Hello, Princess… How are you?

Peach:  Pretty good, I guess… There’s not much to do, though.

Bowser:  Oh, really now? Well… try out this survey!

Bowser hands a piece of paper attached to a clipboard along witha pen to her.

Bowser: Luigi’s been getting a little too big for his britches… so you have to put checkmarks on the things that he hates the most.

Kammy:  We’ll be anticipating your answers!

Bowser:  Yeah, I mean, it’s not like you’ll try to betray us and actually put in things that would help him!

Peach:  …

Bowser:  Anyway, we’ll be waiting outside the room.

In Toad Town…

Luigi:  Ahhh… It feels good to be back!

Guard:  Wait… you’re alive?!

Luigi:  Er… yeah.

Guard:  We prepared your funeral and everything!

Luigi:  But I’ve only been gone for about an hour and a half.

Guard:  … Honestly, we don’t really have any faith in you.

Luigi glances to the side, trying not to look angry.

Luigi:  Why?! The thing that Mario’s probably the most well known for is jumping, and I can jump higher than him!

Guard:  Really? Huh… never noticed that. Well, I guess I’ll have to go cancel that funeral now…

Luigi rolls his eyes as he walks back into the town.

Luigi:  I wonder where Twink is? He’s usually around town before we get here.

Twink conveniently appears right as Luigi says this.

Twink:  Whew… Sorry I’m late! I had an intense God of War session!

Luigi:  That’s all right. Where’s the next Star Spirit?

Twink:  Right in this very town!

Luigi:  Wow, talk about a lucky break!

Twink:  … You didn’t let me finish. It’s in a place called the Shy Guy Toy Box.

Bow:  S’at a toy store or something?

Luigi:  Uh, I don’t think that’s the case…

Luigi points to a bunch of Shy Guys running amok in the town.


Bow:  Hey, I like guacamole!

Twink stares blankly at her.

Bow:  … What?

Twink:  Um… Anyway, I think I’ll be going no—

A Shy Guy suddenly jumps into the air, grabs Twink, and runs off in practically an instant.

Luigi:  … What in the world just happened?!

Bow:  Don’t ask me! I don’t even know who that guy is!

Luigi:  Remind me why you came along again?

Luigi follows the Shy Guy into a random house.

Bow:  Wow, all we had to use was this cardboard box!

Luigi:  Works every time!

The Shy Guy looks around the room (he doesn’t hear them in the box, due to his hood) and opens the toy box, jumping into it.

Bow:  Woah…

Luigi:  C’mon, let’s go!

Luigi throws the box off and hops inside, with Bow close behind.

Luigi:  Wow… This place is HUGE!!!

Bow:  S’ like Alice in Wonderland!

Luigi:  I a theater near you!

They look around this vast world. One of the first things that they spot is a train. They walk over to the conductor.

Luigi:  So… you work here?

Blue Conductor:  Yeah, sure, they have good benefits! The Shy Guys are in practically every profession ever!

Luigi:  Boy, doesn’t that sound familiar… *cough*Mario*cough* Anyway, does this train work?

Blue Conductor:  No, not right now. Parts of the tracks are missing!

Luigi:  Wha… Who would take train tracks?!

Blue Conductor:  They heard that you were coming here, so they took the tracks away to impede your progress.

Luigi:  They actually planned ahead?! …  Dang, these guys are GOOD.

Luigi paces back and forth.

Luigi:  I actually have competent foes for once! Hm… What to do, what to do…

Bow:  What we need now is… a plot device!

Luigi:  Yeah! They’re always handy! … But where could we find one in a place like this?

He decides to walk to another area in the room, scanning the area around him.

Bow:  Hey, that guy may have one!

She points at a black Shy Guy.

Luigi:  Hey... you're right! He looks different from the others!

As Luigi walks toward him, he steps on a spot on the ground, setting off a trap (kind of like Indiana Jones).

Luigi:  What the--

Shy Guys:  ATTACK!

Shy Guys fly in (they tied balloons to themselves) and use peashooters to spit rocks at Luigi.

Luigi:  OW! That hurt!

Luigi runs around, trying to dodge the rocks.


Bow:  'K.

Bow grabs Luigi as he's running by and throws him into the air. He steers himself towards the Shy Guys and bashes them with a hammer, making them fall to the ground.
The black Shy Guy, Anti Guy, starts clapping.

Anti Guy:  Congratulations, you got rid of my human shields! ... AND I PITY THE FOOL WHO MESSES WITH MY HUMAN SHIELDS!

Anti Guy takes out a pistol.

Bow:  He's got a piece!

Luigi:  Hey, that’s not fair!

Anti Guy:  Why not? Mario had a bazooka once!

Luigi:  Oh yeah! That was when he was trying to get rid of Rush Limbaugh…

Anti Guy:  All right, now... raise your hands!

Luigi:  But I-


Anti Guy loads the gun and Luigi and Bow raise their hands into the air.

Luigi:  This is what a hostage situation is like, kids!

Anti Guy:  All right, now follow me, or else I'll bust a cap in your-

Bow:  Hey, this is a family website!

Anti Guy:  Oh, yes... I almost forgot. Well, anyway.

Anti Guy walks them over to another room, where there's a very authoritative-looking Shy Guy sitting inside of a tank.

Anti Guy:  I got the intruders, just like you ordered me to, General Guy!

Anti Guy salutes.

General Guy:  Excellent...

General Guy hops out of the tank, revealing that he's very short... shorter than the other Shy Guys, anyway.

Luigi:  PFFFFT... Hey, Peewee! What'cha gonna do, force us to have a tea party with you?

Luigi and Bow laugh uncontrollably.

General Guy: ...

General Guy walks over to Luigi and kicks him very hard in the shin.

Luigi:  OW!!!

General Guy:  Nobody EVER compares me to Paul Reubens... NOBODY!

Luigi:  Geez... You're strong for such a little guy.

General Guy:  That settles it! You two will be our new POWs, and we'll put you in a special cell... it'll be EXTRA dirty and uncomfortable! SERGEANT! Make sure to put extra cinderblocks in their pillow cases!

Sgt. Guy:  DE ARIMASU!

General Guy: ... Huh?

Sgt. Guy:  Er... Nothing.

Sgt. Guy runs off.

General Guy:  Um... yes, anyway, take them to their cells, random generic Shy Guy!

Random Generic Shy Guy:  'K.

The Shy Guy takes them to their special cell and slams the door shut.

General Guy:  Heh... I hope you learned your lesson, plumber! After all, you won't be getting out of that cell any time soon...

Luigi:  Why not?!

General Guy:  Because Bowser entrusted ME to guard the Star Spirit!

General Guy takes the card out of hammer-space and hands it to a random Shy Guy, who puts it in the tank.

General Guy: ... I also have that little friend of yours. Twink, isn't it?

Luigi:  Twink? What did you do with him?!

General Guy:  Oh, you’ll find out soon enough…

General Guy starts to walk away from the cell.


The Shy Guys start to scramble around madly.

Luigi:  Well… I never thought that it would end like this…

Bow:  Yeah… Good thing I saved this for just such an occasion!

She takes out a harmonica and starts playing sad songs with it.

Luigi:  Oh gawd… Bow, don’t do that!

???:  Ugh…

A light suddenly starts flickering, from the other person (a female) in the room.

???:  I-is that music?

Luigi:  Bow, wait, stop!

Bow stops playing the instrument and they both stare at her for a moment (once again, when in doubt, go to YouTube... or the Mario Wiki).

???:  … What?

Luigi:  Who are you?

???:  Oh… My name is Watt. I’ve been a prisoner here for a few weeks.

Bow:  Hey, we just got here today!

Watt:  Huh, small world… What are you here for?

Luigi:  We tried to fight the black Shy Guy.

Watt:  … How long did YOU last?

Bow:  About ten seconds.

Watt:  Well, that was two seconds longer than me. Well done!

Luigi:  Um… Thanks, I guess.

Watt:  Did you insult the General’s size?

Luigi:  Er… Hey, you can apparently create light in here, did you try to find a way out of here?

Watt:  What do you think I’ve been doing here for the past few weeks?

Luigi:  Well, that’s disappointing…

Luigi looks down at the ground, seeing a section of the floor that’s boarded up.

Luigi:  Wait a minute… Everyone, stand— er… float out of the way!

Both Bow and Watt move aside and Luigi uses his recently acquired Spin Jump ability to bust through the planks.

Watt:  Wow, that was amazing!

Luigi:  Aw, it’s nothing!

Watt:  No, really! Thanks for saving me! I’ll stick with you, through thick and thin!

Bow suddenly flies into Luigi’s pocket.

Bombette:  … Hey, who’re you? Where’s that mailman guy?

Bow:  Err…

Luigi:  Anyway, where are we?

Watt:  I think it’s the basement!

Luigi:  What makes ya say that?

Watt shines brighter, revealing a bunch of boxes filled with ammo and weapons surrounding them.

Watt:  Oh, no reason…

Luigi:  Sheesh! This place is more like an armory than a basement!

Watt:  General Guy loves his Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Luigi:  So I see…

Luigi spots a crate of Lemon Candies.

Luigi:  Hey, what are those?

Watt smiles.

Watt:  I have an idea!

She takes one of the Lemon Candies and exits the basement with Luigi.

Anti Guy:  HEY! What are you guys doi—

Watt throws the Lemon Candy into his mouth.

Anti Guy:  O-oh GOD. Th-this is like HEAVEN!

Anti Guy suddenly sits on the ground and starts sucking on it complacently.

Luigi:  Wow, how did you know that would work?!

Watt:  Every day, I hear him going on and on about how much he loves that stuff… Apparently, he loves it a little TOO much.

Luigi:  I see…

Luigi and Watt wander around until they spot Gourmet Guy (the really fat Shy Guy) sitting in the middle of the train tracks.

Luigi:  Hey, didn’t you explode in the last chapter?!

Gourmet Guy:  Yes. What’s it to ya?

Luigi:  Um… Anyway, why are you sitting in the middle of the tracks?

Gourmet Guy:  Because I’m tired.

Luigi:  Um… Do you know where any of the missing ones are?

Gourmet Guy:  I ate them.

Luigi:  …


Gourmet Guy:  I would.

Luigi:  Well, can you spit them back out?


Gourmet Guy struggles to get up… and Luigi pushes him back down.

Gourmet Guy:  … All right, you win.

He gets back up (after a few minutes) and the tracks magically fly out of his mouth, arranging themselves in the correct places.

Gourmet Guy:  I’m gonna go home and eat a pizza…

Gourmet Guy grumbles and (very slowly) walks off.

Watt:  That… was bizarre.

Luigi:  Tell me about it.

Luigi and Watt get on one of the trains.

Pink Conductor:  Like, greetings, passengers! Our next stop is like, General Guy’s Ultra-Awesome-Secret-Lair! Isn’t that thuper?!

Luigi yawns.

Kolorado:  Luigi, is that you?

Luigi:  Hi, Professor!

Pennington:  Why, Luigi, cheerio!

Luigi:  … Hey, Pennington.

Kolorado:  Pennington, you stupid bloke!

Kolorado whacks him with a Holy Grail.

Kolorado:  Stop trying to impersonate my perfect British accent!

Pennington:  But you’re not even British!

Kolorado:  …

Kolorado whacks him again.

Pennington:  OW!

Kolorado:  Anyway, what are you doin’ here, old chap?

Luigi:  We’re trying to get to General Guy so we can get the Star Spirit.

Kolorado:  Ah. Well, we’re riding this train all the way to Yoshi’s Island.

Watt:  … How can you even get there from here?

Pennington:  Because Mario games aren’t really all that logical to begin with.

Watt:  Ah.

Pink Conductor:  We have arrived at our destination! Have a nice day!

Kolorado:  Well, I’ll be seeing you later, Luigi!

Luigi:  Okay! And good luck with that Yoshi’s Island thing! I don’t think we’ll be going there anytime soon…

Luigi and Watt get off of the train… and Kammy is in the entrance to General Guy’s base, staring at them.

Kammy:  There ya are, you little whippersnappers… Try THIS on for size!

Kammy makes a Starman appear.

Kammy:  HEEHEEHEE!!!

Kammy teleports herself back to Bowser’s Castle. Luigi walks to General Guy’s base.

Luigi:  Eh, what’s this?

Luigi picks up the Starman.

Luigi:  Heh… EXCELLENT…


Shy Guy:  General Guy! General Guy!

General Guy:  What is it, Generic Shy Guy #2?! Can’t you see that I’m shining Amy?!

The Shy Guy looks at him, seeing a rifle in his lap.

Shy Guy:  Um… right. But Luigi and that Sparky thing have disposed of both Anti Guy and Gourmet Guy!

General Guy:  WHAT?! Those are our most powerful troops!

Shy Guy:  Yeah… and he’s in our base right now!

General Guy:  WHAT?!

Luigi busts through the wall with his hammer.

Luigi:  Hello there, shorty!

General Guy:    … Phoo. SEND OUT THE BOB-OMB SQUADRON!

An army of Bob-ombs march towards Luigi… and he promptly throws his hammer at one of them, which makes them all explode on impact.

General Guy:  ARGH! Never send some bombs to do a crazy man’s job!

General Guy hops into his tank and fires at Luigi… except he’s still standing! … And flashing!

General Guy:  DOUBLE PHOO!

Luigi jumps up, sticks General Guy in the tank gun, and fires it, making General Guy fly off into parts unknown.


Watt spots something glowing in a panel on the front of the tank.

Watt:  Hey! What’s in here?

She zaps the glass, breaking it open.

Twink:  H-hey, I’m free!

Luigi:  Twink, it’s you!

Twink:  Thanks, guys… And oh yeah, I know where the Star Spirit is!

Twink flies into the tank and looks around for a few seconds until he takes the card out and gives it to Luigi.

Luigi:  YA-HO!


Luigi got his 4th Star Spirit! … And to think that he might’ve NEVER gotten it, if it wasn’t for that Starman! You’re halfway through, Luigi! But be careful… it’s going to get A LOT tougher along the way! But before we end this chapter, we’re going to focus on a certain character for now…

Mario:  Forgot about me, didn’t ya? WAHOO!

Mario is flying the air with his Raccoon Suit, searching around Peach’s castle for a place to enter.

Mario:  Hm… Now, let’s see…

Mario spots a broken window.

Mario:  Hey, there’s a window that’s already open for me!

He flies through the hole in the window.

Mario:  Hm… There doesn’t seem to be anyone around! Rescuing the princess is going to be a CINCH!

He opens the door out of the room… only to find General Guy and an army of Shy Guys standing in front of him.

General Guy:  Hello there…

Mario:  YIKES!

General Guy:  Give up, plumber! You’re outnumbered!

Mario:  … Hey, can you tell me where the next Star Spirit is?

General Guy:  HA! I’ll NEVER tell you that the next Star Spirit is on Yoshi’s Island! Not in a million years!

Everyone stares blankly at him.

General Guy:  … DANG IT! Shy Guys, throw him out of the window!

Mario:  Pfft… You don’t have the guts to do that!

5 minutes later…


Read on!

Comments, suggestions, stories, or story ideas? Email me!
Go back to Lemmy's Fun Fiction.
Go back to my main page.