Chapter 6: Somewhere That's Green
Luigi hops off of the whale, with Watt, Kolorado, and Mario following him.
Kolorado: Hey Pennington, aren't you coming?
Pennington: Nah, I'll be hitching a ride back home! Giddy-up, whale!
The whale leaps into the air.
Pennington: Let's hope that this next leap will be the leap home...
Watt: ... Will anyone even get that joke?
Luigi: Does it even matter by now?
Kolorado walks over to Luigi.
Kolorado: Well, it's been a good run, old lad! I hope that our paths will cross again someday!
Kolorado and Luigi shake hands. A few seconds later, Kolorado walks away, back towards Koopa Village.
Mario: Well... for now, I'll have to say goodbye too, Little Bro!
Mario: I'm going to try to snoop around in Bowser's Castle again, you'll never know what I might find!
Luigi: Well... okay. I'll see ya' later, Bro!
They both wave at each other as Mario runs away.
Luigi: Well, I guess it's just the two of us agai-
Jr. Troopa: THINK AGAIN, JERK!
Jr. Troopa hops out of the water.
Luigi and Watt turn around.
Luigi: Oh, it's YOU again...
Jr. Troopa: You sound like you're not surprised to see me!
Luigi: Honestly, I'm not. This is the third time I've seen you.
Jr. Troopa: Oh, well... um...
Jr. Troopa grows the spike on his head again, as well as wings, which let him fly off of the ground.
Jr. Troopa: How 'bout 'dem apples? What'cha gonna do now, punks?!
Watt zaps Jr. Troopa, making 10,000 volts of electricity course through his body. Needless to say, he falls to the ground unconscious.
Luigi: Um... yeah, I guess we should get to finding Twink now.
Watt: I want ice cream...
Twink flies down.
Luigi: Scratch that.
Twink: LUIGI! LUIGI!
Luigi: Twink, I'm right behind you!
Twink turns around.
Twink: LUIGI! LUIGI!
Luigi: Ugh... What is it?!
Twink: There's another Star Spirit, in some sort of garden... You should be able to get to the garden from Toad Town.
Luigi: Great! Do you know where it is?
Twink: It's, er... inside a tree.
Luigi: ... What?
Watt: You on the pipe?
Twink: No, I'm serious! The portal to the garden is inside of a talking tree!
Watt: ... How do they THINK of these things?!
Luigi: Japanese people are freakin’ weird.
Luigi and Watt wander around until they find a woman planting flowers in the garden.
Luigi: Hello, there...
Minh T: Hi.
Watt: Is there a strange anthropomorphic tree here?
Minh T: Yup! It rises out of the ground every few years, to feast on the blood of the innocent!
Watt: That sounds bad! ... He won't come out for a few years?!
Minh T: Well... unless you give him a sacrifice!
5 minutes later...
Luigi comes back, dragging a body-bag.
Minh T: Who did ja' get?
Luigi: I'll give you a hint; he's the mascot of Microsoft's Xbox...
Woman Toad: Huh?
Luigi: He wears a green suit...
Watt: BLINX THE TIME SWEEPER?!
Luigi: ... Yeah, sure.
Luigi slams the body-bag down on the soil. The soil suddenly gives off an intense glow as the tree rises out and eats the bag whole.
Tree: Thank you for your sacrifice, mortal! ... It had a weird, iron-like taste, though... Oh well! What shall I do for you?
Luigi: Can I go into your garden?
Tree: Yeah, sure!
The door at the bottom of the tree opens, as Luigi and Watt then go inside.
Watt: There's pollution and devastation everywhere! Wicked machines are being... wicked!
Luigi: There's only one person who could be responsible for this...
Luigi turns around and stares at him.
Luigi: Um... no, it's Bowser.
Sonic: Oh... are ya' sure?
Watt: I'm pretty sure that this story is on a Mario website.
Sonic: Oh... um... SEE YA!
Sonic runs away.
Luigi: That was weird.
Watt: How did he even get here, anyway?!
They walk towards one of the machines.
???: No! NO! Stop it! Stop it!
Watt: Who's doing a bad Peter Griffin impersonation?
???: That would be ME...
The source of the voice flies down, revealing that he's a Lakitu... that you should look up on Google.
???: ... SPIKE!
Luigi: Wow, what a generic name.
Spike the Yoshi jumps up from out of nowhere, stomps on Luigi with his spiked cleats, and runs away.
Luigi: Never mind...
Spike the Lakitu bursts out laughing.
Spike: R-randomness! It's my one weakness!
Luigi: Randomness, huh?
Watt: But we're both too logical to be random!
Luigi: Well... if our experiences in these few chapters have taught us anything, the randomness will come to US!
Luigi: Um... It usually does.
A tumbleweed passes by.
Luigi: Oh, you jer-
Spike throws a Spiny, which bounces off Luigi's head.
As Spike throws another one, Luigi whacks it back with his hammer... only for Spike to thwack it away with one of his hands.
Spike: HA HA HA! Without the power of randomness, you shall never prevail!
Watt: I'm gettin' tired of this...
Watt zaps Spike... only for the cloud to absorb the electricity and zap Luigi.
Luigi: I HATE YOU!
An anvil falls from the sky, landing on Luigi's head.
Spike bursts out laughing.
Spike: OH MY GAWD! Slapstick! I- I can't stop laughing!
Luigi jumps up, kicking Spike off of his cloud.
Spike: Urgh... Looks like ya beat me fair 'n square, dude.
Watt: You mean you're just gonna let us go?
Spike: Who WOULDN'T?
Watt: Good point.
Luigi: Who's Lakilester?
A female Lakitu (Lakilulu) flies over, floating in front of them; Spike hops on his cloud.
Lakilulu: Stop doing this, Lakilester...
Spike: I told you! Th' name's Spike!
Lakilulu: Stop pulling this charade...
Lakilester sighs and gets out hair gel, changing his Mohawk into a pompadour.
Lakilester: Well, what am I SUPPOSED to do?! I'll be fired! It's hard enough to get coins with this bad economy!
Luigi: That's nonsense! I get coins just by bashing blocks with my head!
Lakilester: Any after-effects?
Luigi: I forgot Algebra.
Lakilester: Oh... that's it?
Lakilulu: See?! You should get away from that awful job of yours!
Lakilester: I'm going with Luigi just to get away from you!
Lakilulu: Hmph... FINE!
Lakilulu flies away.
Watt: Sheesh, talk about relationship issues...
Luigi: Um... Watt?
Luigi: I think it's time to go back into the pocket...
Watt: NO!!! It's dark in there! DARK!
Luigi: But isn't your special ability used to light up places?
Watt: ... Okay, you got me there. But, um... well, I have a cold, so-
Goombario: GET IN HERE!
Watt: Okay, okay! Sheesh...
Watt flies into Luigi's pocket.
Lakilester (sitting at Lucy's psychiatrist booth) So, how long have you two been together?
Luigi: 3 chapters.
Lakilester: I see, I see...
Lakilester is scribbling on a notepad.
Lakilester Luigi: Um... what are you writing down, anyway?
Lakilester: Notes, of course! What else would I write in a notepad?
Luigi: ... Gimme that.
Luigi grabs the notepad and looks at it.
Luigi: ... Seriously?
Luigi shows him the notepad, which just has squiggly lines on it.
Lakilester: It's my handwriting!
Luigi: It's horrible.
Lakilester: I'm a turtle, what do you expect?!
Luigi: Something better.
Lakilester: Gah... Never mind.
Luigi: Should we be getting to one of those machines now?
Lakilester: Yeah, we can't stall for TOO long...
They go to the top of one of the smog machines, where someone is sitting in a chair, controlling it. The person turns around in his chair...
???: I AM DR. RRRRRRROBOTNIK! And I shall pollute this world with my beautiful, beautiful smog! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!
Luigi and Lakilester stare blankly at him.
Luigi: ... Okay, Sonic being here actually makes sense now.
Dr. Robotnik: SCRATCH! GROUNDER! Attack these RRRRRRRRRRRAVENOUS, um... RIGHT-DOERS!
Scratch: Yes sir, Dr. Robotnik! HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!!!
Grounder: Whatever you say, your lardness!
Luigi jumps into the air as they charge towards him, making them crash into each other.
Luigi: All right, lardo, turn the machine off.
Dr. Robotnik: No!
Robotnik jumps up and down in a fit.
Dr. Robotnik: I DON'T WANNA! I DON'T WANNA!
Luigi: If you say so!
Luigi kicks him off of the machine (it's a long way down...) and turns it off.
Luigi: Well, that got rid of MOST of the smog...
Lakilester: There's only one other machine in this world!
Luigi: Yeah? Where is it?
Lakilester: Up in the clouds... guarded by Huff N. Puff.
Luigi: What kind of name is "Huff N. Puff"?!
Lakilester: He has very mean parents.
Luigi: Er... I see. So, how do we get up there?
Lakilester: Well... first, we have to make a beanstalk grow, but in order to do that, we have to find berries and give them to flower spirit thingies so that they restore order to the land and suddenly makes the beanstalk grow for no apparent reason.
Luigi: Why do all of that, when you can just fly me up there?
Lakilester: Well, if you expected a logical answer, then why did you ask?
Luigi: ... Point taken. Anyhow, where do we find this maze?
Lakilester: Um... SKIP!
Luigi and Lakilester suddenly appear a short distance away from the maze.
Luigi: How does that always work?!
They walk into the labyrinthine area.
Lakilester: It's creepy in here...
Luigi: Oh, come on, don't be such a wu-
Someone hops around the corner of one of the walls.
???: HERE'S JOHNNY!!!
Luigi: OH MY GOD, IT'S JACK NICHOLSON!
Luigi squeals like a little girl and runs away.
Lakilester: Um... What the -
Jack: I WANNA PLAY THE JOKER!
Jack swings his axe.
Lakilester jumps over it and back onto his cloud, flying up higher.
Lakilester: WHAT'S GOING ON?!
Luigi: The author is parodying The Shining!
Lakilester: But isn't that an R-rated movie?
Luigi: Has that stopped him so far?
Lakilester: ... Point taken.
They run through the maze as Jack Nicholson pursues them, wildly swinging his axe around.
Lakilester: Um... This is for a children’s site, right? How much violence can there be?
Luigi: I think Lemmy allows gore.
Lakilester: Oh SHOOT!!! RUN! RUN! RUN!
Luigi runs faster as Lakilester latches onto him with a fishing pole and tosses him up on his cloud. Luigi picks up a Spiny and tosses it at Jack's head, knocking him out instantly. Luigi stares at Lakilester.
Luigi: Why didn't YOU ever do that?!
Lakilester: I didn't think that it would work!
Luigi: Don't question logic... this is a Mario story, after all.
Luigi hops off of the cloud and picks up the axe.
Luigi: Well, this'll be useful!
He uses the axe to hack through the maze and puts it in one of his pockets.
Flower: Why, hello there!
Luigi: Um... hello?
Luigi stares blankly at the Flower.
Luigi: ... You aren't going to turn into another pop-culture reference, are you?
Flower: Well, I WAS going to, but you kind of spoiled the moment.
Luigi: I see...
Flower: Well, anyway, do you have a gem?
Luigi: SON OF A-
Lakilester covers Luigi's mouth as he struggles to break free.
Lakilester: We'll get right on it, ma'am!
They go back through the maze and walk through the garden.
Luigi: Where are we supposed to find a gem?!
Lakilester: Maybe there's one in that cave over there?
They walk into the cave, where there's an Old Man sitting on an orange rug. There are several objects laid in front of him.
Old Man: Hello, young travelers. Do you want the Sword and Shield, the Potion, or this Treasure Chest? Choose wisely...
Luigi: ... Can I have the shield?
Old Man: Wait... just the shield?
The old man hands it toLuigi.
Old Man: Well, okay, if you say s-
Luigi whacks the old man in the head with the shield, which instantly knocks him out. He then rolls up everything in the rug (except for the man) and stuffs it in one of his pockets.
Luigi: I never liked choosing things...
Luigi and Lakilester exit the cave... right as Link starts to walk in.
Navi: Hey, Link! Listen! There should be some useful things in this ca-- OH MY GOD!!!
Navi: Wow... um... This is awkward... Well, while he's down, let's take all of his rupees!
Link gives her a thumbs-up and runs over to the old man.
Back to our Heroes...
Luigi: Okay, we gave you the gem. So, what do we get in return?
The Flower puts a bowtie on and pulls down the curtain, revealing three yellow doors.
Flower: Behind Door number 1, we have a Bubble Stone!
Lakilester: Bubbles?! That sounds lame...
Luigi: I agree wholeheartedly... which means we'll probably need it.
Flower: But don't you want to know what's behind the other doors?
Luigi: Well... oh, what the hey!
Flower: Well, behind door number 2, we've got A BRAND NEW CAR!
Lakilester: What kind of car?
Flower: The Delorean!
Luigi and Lakilester both squeal with glee.
Flower: And last, but certainly not least, behind door number 3 is... THE MYSTERY BOX!
Lakilester: We'll take door number tw-
Luigi: Wait a minute! A car's a car, but the mystery box could be ANYTHING! ... It could even be a car!
Seth MacFarlane (reading story): ... All right, that's the last straw! LAWYERS!
Lawyers: We're working on it, sir!
Lakilester: Great idea picking out the Mystery Box, Luigi... A 25 percent offcoupon to Old Navy!
Luigi: Heh heh...
Luigi: DON'T JUDGE ME!
Lakilester: How are we supposed to get up to the clouds now?!
Luigi looks again at Lakilester, who's still hovering above the ground with his cloud.
Lakilester: Um... why are you looking at me like that?
5 minutes later...
Lakilester is tied and gagged to the bottom of the cloud as Luigi sits on top of it, flying all the way to the clouds in the sky.
Luigi: Well, it looks like we've reached our destination!
Luigi ties the cloud to a peg sticking out of the grou- err... clouds, and walks around.
Luigi: Hm... Where could this machine be?
He looks up at a sign saying "THIS MACHINE -->"
He walks over to the machine and is about to turn it off... until Huff N. Puff suddenly rises out of the clouds.
Huff N. Puff: HEY! What are ya' doin'?!
Luigi: Trying to turn off that machine.
Huff N. Puff: And you think that I'm just going to let you turn it off, all willy-nilly?
Huff N. Puff: Well, I WON'T!
Luigi: Oh. Well, that's disappointing.
\Huff N. Puff: Indeed...
Huff N. flies up to the machine and sucks up the smog, which makes him bigger.
Luigi: ... Oh fudge.
Lakilester: Okay, I untied that ro-
He looks up at Huff N. Puff.
Lakliester: HOLY SHINOLE!
Huff N. Puff: YOU CAN GO AND TELL AL GORE TO "SUCK IT"!
Lakliester: Um... You mean eggs, right?
Huff N. Puff: ... Yeah, sure.
Huff N. zaps lightning
out of his fingertips, which Luigi jumps over. He then splits apart slightly,
causing lots of small Huff N. Puffs to form. They franticly zig-zag around
the area, their bodies charged with electricity.
Lakilester: TAKE THIS, YOU... you... um... little... Screw it.
Lakilester lobs a Spiky egg at Huff N., which he swats away, making it go through the clouds...
Somewhere in the Garden...
General Guy: Being evil isn't worth it... I'm glad I took up gardening instead!
He pats the soil with a shovel.
General Guy: Oh! My first flower has finally grown!
As he looks at the flower, a spiky egg lands on it, destroying it.
General Guy: ... GRAUUUUUUUUUGH!!! Where's my musket?! I NEED TO SHOOT SOMETHING!
Shy Guy brings him his musket.
General Guy: Thank you, loyal companion!
He aims the gun at Shy Guy and shoots him in the face.
General Guy: Ahh... I feel MUCH better!
Shy Guy: *cough* Me too, sir...
Back in the Clouds...
Luigi: Whew... I'm so tired...
Lakilester: Luigi... *huff* I don't think this guy can be beaten... *puff* Oh, good lord, I need to exercise more... *huffpuff*
Luigi: Wait a minute... I have an idea! Try and stall him, Lakilester!
Luigi runs off, leaving Lakilester to confront Huff'N Puff'N by himself.
Lakilester: Sooo... how are things?
Huff N. Puff: Not so good. My wife and I divorced, and she took all of the kids. So I decided to become an industrialist, as well as accelerate global warming, which will melt the world, by using lots of smog.
Lakilester: Um... I don't think that you can melt the world with global warming.
Huff N. Puff: Oh... really?
Huff N. Puff: Huh... well, I'm still going to kill you two, nothing personal. You understand, right?
Lakilester: Um... not real-
Luigi suddenly emerges from the clouds.
Luigi: I'M BAAAAAAACK!!! ... And I have my secret weapon!
Lakilester and Huff N. Puff: Secret weapon?
Luigi places an object on the clouds and pulls off the curtain, revealing it to be...
Huff N. Puff: RANDY NEWMAN?!
Randy: We up in da' clouds, doin' lotsa stuff, wit a weird lil' cloud, who is oh, so buff! Wit’ a weird thin green thing, I sayyyyy...
Huff N. Puff: GAHHHHHHHHH!!!
Randy: ... Da' big ol' cloud start runnin' away-hayyyyyyyy! ... and he dwopped a star-thing too.
Luigi picks up the Star Spirit that Huff'N dropped.
Luigi: Thank you, Randy Newman!
Randy: Yo welcome, stwange wittle green man.
Lakilester: ... The only good music that you've done is in The Princess and the Frog.
END OF CHAPTER
Well, this was certainly the random-est chapter ever! But, em… yeah! Luigi has gotten 6/7 Star Spirits! Looks like the end of his adventure is almost near… oh, you think we’re going to Peach and Twink? WRONG! First, we’ll be observing some characters who don’t quite like the way this story is going…
Somewhere in Bowser’s Castle…
General Guy: GREETINGS, MY FELLOW BOSSES!
Golden Fuzzy: AHEM…
General Guy: … And Mini-Bosses.
Lantern Ghost: *cries* The author forgot to write me in the story!
General Guy: Anyhow, we cannot be repressed for so long! WE CAN’T HAVE THIS THIN LITTLE TWERP MAKE US LOOK LIKE FOOLS!!!
Tubba Blubba: Why should we be listening to YOU, anyway? You were defeated TWICE.
General Guy: THE SECOND TIME WAS BY A WHALE! … And with your heart inside you, you’re virtually useless.
Huff N. Puff: Well, at least he’s not as useless as Tutankoopa.
Tutankoopa: HEY! I at least managed to capture his friends!
Red Koopa: … Who Luigi rescued in about five minutes.
Shy Guy: GUYS, STOP ARGUING! Bickering isn’t going to help us defeat Luigi at all! Isn’t that why you all came here in the first place?!
General Guy: Generic Shy Guy is right… we should work together... But before we work together, though, WHERE ARE THOSE COCKTAILS I ASKED YOU FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO?!
Shy Guy: I- I’ll be right on it, sir!
Shy Guy runs away frantically.
Shy Guy: COCKTAILS, GUYS, COCKTAILS!
The Shy Guys scramble around the kitchen.
General Guy: Anyhow, first order of business! … We need a cool group name! Something that strikes fear into peoples’ hearts…
Lava Piranha: Um… Shouldn’t we be gittin’ to that place befoh the plumbah does?
General Guy: NO, YOU FOOL! We canNOT go kill Luigi until we get an awesome name first! How about… THE BAD GUY BRIGADE!!! Yes! That shall be our name!
Everyone rolls their eyes.
Huff N. Puff: Yes… that will strike fear into people’s hearts, all right…
General Guy: I know! Aren’t I brilliant?!
Shy Guy brings cocktails on a tray to General Guy.
Shy Guy: He-here’s your cocktails, sir!
General Guy: Oh, goo— WHAT?! ARE THOSE OLIVES?! I HATE OLIVES!
He slides all
of the glasses off of the tray, smashing them.
General Guy: MAKE THEM AGAIN!
Shy Guy: *sigh…*
In Peach’s Room…
Peach: Can you believe it?!
Twink: I know, right?! Nintendo's ALREADY making a new DS!
Peach: No, not that!
Twink: Oh. Then what is it?
Peach: With this magical umbrella of... magicness, we can go ANYWHERE in this castle!
Twink: We've been crammed in this room for quite a while, and you've just NOW thought of it?! In fact, why don't I just drop you out of this friggin' window?! After all, YOU HAVE AN UMBRELLA!
Peach: ... Hey, Twink! With this magical umbrella, we can go ANYWHERE in this castle!
Twink: *sigh* All right, let's go.
Peach: Hm... What should I turn into?
Peach looks around the room.
Peach walks into the hallway, looking like a coat hanger.
Koopatrol: Greetings, Sgt. Coat Hanger!
Peach: Can I go outside?
Koopatrol: SIR, YES, SIR!
Koopatrol lets Peach outside, onto the path heading towards the roof.
Twink: Wow, how dense ARE these people?!
After walking for a little bit, they suddenly encounter Kammy.
Twink: (Oh, geez...)
Kammy: Oh, hello Bowser! My, you're looking trimmer today...
Twink: That's not Bowser, it's a coat hanger, you old hag!
Kammy fiddles around with her glasses.
Kammy: Oh, you must be the fabled Sgt. Coat Hanger. I'm honored to meet you...
Peach: I like cheese!
Kammy: Ah, so did I! ... Before it gave me bloody diarrhea, that is. Ah, good times... good times...
???: Hey, THAT'S NOT SERGEANT COATHANGER!
Kammy: Eh?! Who said that?!
A coat hanger suddenly comes up the steps.
Sgt. Coat Hanger: ... I DID!
Everyone gasps; Kammy points at Peach.
Kammy: You're... an imposter!
Kammy zaps Peach with her wand, turning her back to normal.
Kammy: NAOMI WATTS?!
All: IT'S PEACH!!!
Kammy: Oh... Well, take her to her room, I guess... I'm going to go take my 5,000 pills before I go to sleep.
She yawns and walks off, as everyone else walks off, completely ignoring Twink.
Twink: Well... that was completely pointless.