Prologue: Something Happens
Once upon a day time bright and sunny, as I poured myself some honey, there came a *click click CLANG!* from my mailbox. “Mail’s here!” said the Koopa, but then out came my brother (he’s kind of stupid) and he yelled…
Mario: NEVERMORE, you stupid mailman!
Mario throws a fireball at Parakarry, which makes him quickly fly away.
Luigi: Mario, why did you do that?! He just delivers our mail!
Mario: That’s EXACTLY why I did that! Remember the last few letters he gave us? “Mario, we’re being attacked by warships!”, “Mario, let’s go to Dinosaur Island!”, “Mario, I’ve made a cake!”… and so far, every time that I do what one of those letters says, I have to go rescue her from Bowser!
Luigi: Mario, don’t be selfish. How do you even know that this is a letter from Peach?
Mario raises his eyebrow.
Mario: EVERY letter is from Peach.
Luigi: Well yeah, but that’s beside the point. Don’t you think we should at least read it first?
Mario: That’s a good one, Luigi… Now, can you burn that for me? I’m going back to sleep.
Mario yawns and walks back into the house.
Luigi: Hmph… See if I ever get anything for YOUR birthday again.
Luigi takes the letter out of the mailbox, opens the envelope, and reads it.
Dear Mario and Luigi,
You have both been invited to a party at my castle, where there will be food and other various refreshments… and Bowser and his minions might raid the castle and kidnap me, due to the complete lack of security, but what are the chances of that? :D Please come!
Luigi: Wow! Hey Mario, we got invited to a par-
Luigi glances back at the house.
Luigi: … Meh, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt ‘im!
Luigi crumples up the letter, tosses it on the ground, and runs off towards Peach’s Castle.
Luigi stops in front of the gate, where there are two bouncers guarding the door.
Bouncer #1: State your name, please.
Bouncer #2 looks down at his clipboard.
Bouncer #2: Hm… Luigi, Luigi… Nope, you don’t seem to be on the list. Sorry, can’t let you in.
Luigi: What?! But there has to be a mistake! She invited me!
Bouncer #1: Sorry, you’re not on the list. We don’t make the rules!
Luigi: … Do you take bribes?
Luigi gets booted to the garden by Bouncer #1.
Bouncer #1: Beat it! Or else we’ll have to get rough with ya!
Luigi dusts himself off and looks around the area.
Luigi: Hm… Maybe I can sneak in through the back door.
Luigi runs over towards the backyard.
Goomba: … We’re in position, Lord Bowser!
Bowser: Excellent… We’ll launch the attack in five minutes. Bowser, out.
Goomba puts away his walkie-talkie and spots Luigi running across the yard.
Goomba: Luigi?! What’s he doing here?
He peeks through the bush and sees a Chain Chomp trying to get off its peg.
Luigi: … What’s that barking sound?
He looks behind him and spots the Chain Chomp, angrily gnashing its teeth and speeding towards him.
Luigi runs away from the Chain Chomp, which makes the Goomba roll out of the bush, laughing its head off.
Luigi: … A Goomba?!
Luigi picks up a stick.
Luigi: Hey, boy! Want the stick? Want the stick?
The Chain Chomp pants like a happy dog.
Luigi: Go get it!
Luigi throws the stick, which lands on the Goomba’s head.
The Goomba sees the Chain Chomp heading towards him and runs away, as Luigi dashes through the back door.
Luigi: Whew… I’m glad that I’m away from all that madness… but why am I in the basement?
Bandit: Hey, bud… Want this watch?
Luigi: What does it do?
Bandit: Nothing. It used to be able to tell time.
Luigi: … How much is it?
Bandit: Whatever you want it to be.
Luigi: Ya know, I might get Mario a present after all…
Toad bursts through the upper door.
Toad: MARIO!!! I’ve been looking all over for you!
Luigi: B-but, I’m not Mari-
Toad ignores him and drags him upstairs to Peach’s room.
Toad: I brought Mario, Your Majesty!
Peach: Thank you, Toad… Now can you leave us here, in peace?
Toad: Yes, Princess Peach.
Toad leaves the room.
Peach: Now… let’s do this.
Peach starts to slip off her dress.
Luigi: P-Peach, what are you doing?
Peach turns around.
Peach: Luigi?! What are you doing here?!
Peach pulls her dress back up.
Luigi: I didn’t tell you to stop…
???: Yeah, he didn’t tell you stop!
Peach and Luigi turn around and look through the window, where they see Bowser in his Klown Kopter.
Bowser: Er… I mean, time to kidnap you!
Bowser crashes through the window and hops out of his Klown Kopter, landing in front of Luigi and Peach.
Bowser: Luigi, eh? This shouldn’t be much of a challenge…
Bowser breathes fire, which Luigi dodges. Luigi then runs up the wall and hops off, landing on Bowser’s head, where he promptly does the Mexican Hat Dance.
Bowser: GAH!!! Get off!
Bowser throws Luigi off his head, but Luigi uses his Green Missile move (from the Smash Bros. series) to headbutt Bowser in the gut, making him fall down.
Luigi: Heh… Upside down and helpless, just like any other turtle!
Peach hugs Luigi.
Peach: Yay, Luigi! You’re the best… next to Mario, that is.
Luigi: Heh heh… Thanks.
Bowser hops back up.
Bowser: You think you can beat me that easily?! Kammy, bring me the Star Rod! … Kammy?
Kammy: Shut your yap, you whippersnapper! I’m comin’!
Her broomstick is slowly inching towards the door. Bowser looks at his watch.
Luigi: I think she’s almost there! Wait, never mind, she’s stopping to take her pills…
Bowser: JUST THROW ME THE FREAKING THING!!!
Kammy: Aw righty! I was good at throwing javelins in my wonder years!
Her arm slowly inches back.
Bowser: I SAID THR-
Startled, she quickly throws the Star Rod, which bonks Bower’s head and lands in his right hand.
Bowser: Ouch! Um… yeah, I have it! Try and beat me now, Plumber!
Luigi jumps on Bowser’s head and off… which does nothing.
Luigi: N-not even a bump!
Bowser winds up a punch.
Bowser: Goodbye, paisano!
Bowser punches Luigi, which makes him fly out the window.
Bowser: Neither Mario nor Luigi can save you now…
Bowser laughs maniacally.
Elsewhere, 1 day later…
Luigi is lying on a bed, sleeping. Seven magical stars suddenly appear, floating over Luigi. Each star looks unique. There is one with a bushy white mustache (Eldstar), one with a sailor’s cap (Muskular), one with a brown mustache (Kalmar), one with a pink bow (Mamar), one with a pink bowtie and holding a book (Klevar), one with a brown mustache and glasses (Skolar), and a pretty angelic star with a headdress (Misstar).
Eldstar: Here he is, everyone… the Hero of Legend.
Muskular: I thought you said that the Hero of Legend is supposed to wear red clothes?
Eldstar: DON’T QUESTION YOUR ELDERS!!! I know the Hero of Legend when I see ‘im, dag-nabbit!
Muskular rolls his eyes.
Kalmar: Now is not time to argue. We must work together! Everyone’s wishes depend on it!
All of the Star Spirits remain silent until one of them speaks up.
Misstar: Hero of Legend… or Luigi, am I correct? I’m not sure if you can hear us, but you must go to the Shooting Star Summit. We don’t have much time left in this realm… You must make haste!
Skolar: Yes, indeed. Do what the fine lady inquires.
The Stars slowly fade away.
Mamar: Ooooooh, swirly!
Just as they completely disappear Luigi rises out of the bed, rubbing his eyes.
Luigi: Ugh… What just happened?
Toad quickly bursts in.
Toad: Luigi! You’re finally awake!
Luigi: Toad? What’s going on?
Toad: Bowser made Peach’s castle rise up into the air somehow, but I escaped just in time! I saw you fly out of the window, so I followed you. Thank goodness that Goombaria saved you just in time!
Toad: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that we’re in Goomba Village. It’s populated only by a small family of… well, Goombas. Don’t worry, they won’t harm you.
Luigi: Friendly Goombas, huh? Wow, that sounds pretty crazy… Speaking of crazy, did you hear someone else in the hut with me?
Toad: No, I didn’t hear anyone other than you. You must’ve been dreaming!
Luigi shrugs and walks out of the hut, waving on the way out.
Luigi: Bye, Toad! I’ll see ya later, I guess.
Toad: Bye, Luigi!
Luigi walks towards the exit and stops in front of a Goomba with a mustache.
Luigi: Right, Goompapa! Do you mind telling me where a place called Shooting Star Summit is?
Goompapa: Sure, just go straight along that path and it should take you to Toad Town. The path to the Shooting Star Summit should be right behind the princess’ castle.
Luigi: Thanks! I’ll be going now.
Kammy: Doggone it! I ran out of laxatives! Now my stomach’s gonna ache for weeks!
Kammy spots Luigi.
Kammy: Hey, you’re that scrawny little young’un that tubby was fighting earlier! If he finds out that you’re still alive… he might take away my Beatles records! I WON’T LET THAT HAPPEN!!!
Kammy pulls out of her wand and zaps the air, which somehow makes a giant block land on the ground, in front of the path.
Kammy: That should keep ya busy!
Luigi: Um… I could always jump over that, you know.
Kammy: Uh, well… Shut up, you whippersnapper, OR I’LL GIVE YOU SUCH A SMACK!
Kammy flies off.
Luigi: Um… Right.
Luigi tries to jump over it, but is blocked by an invisible force.
Luigi: I can’t jump over the block?! What in the world is going on?!
Goompapa: The blocks here ignore the laws of physics, so the only way that you can get past is to smash it with a hammer.
Luigi: Ugh… Whatever.
Luigi reaches into his pocket.
Luigi: Oh SHOOT! I left my hammer at home! Do you know where I could get one?
Goompapa: Sure, Goompa should have one. He’s in there, working on the veranda.
Goompapa points at the house with one of his feet.
Luigi: Thanks… God, this exposition is boring. I feel sorry for whoever’s reading this.
Goompapa: Reading? What are you talking about?
Uh… You heard nothing, fool! NOTHING!
Goompapa: Where did that voice just come from?!
A hand appears out of nowhere, a zipper suddenly appears, and the hand unzips it, revealing a vortex.
Goompapa: Uh… What’s that for?
The hand picks up Goompapa and tosses him into the vortex and zips the wormhole back up. Now, does anyone else want to mess with me?!
He sweats, and bolts into the house and through the backdoor.
Luigi: Goompapa said that he would be here…
Luigi looks down and notices that he’s not standing on anything.
Luigi: Aw, sho-
Luigi falls down and lands face first on the ground.
Luigi: That could’ve gone better…
Goompa: You’re telling me! I think that this falling business strained my back… and a few bones.
Luigi: But you’re a Mushroom. You have neither of those things.
Goompa: Oh yeah… By the way, did you find my gel on the way down here? They make my eyebrows extra bushy!
Luigi: Er… Iteresting.
Luigi spots something under Goompa.
Luigi: Um… What are you standing on?
Goompa: Oh, this? It’s my backscratcher! But as it turns out, I don’t have a back, so you can have it.
Goompa gives the object to Luigi.
Luigi: This isn’t a backscratcher, you old fart! It’s a hammer! Wait… A HAMMER?! We’re saved!
A small Koopa who’s still in his eggshell jumps out of a tree.
Koopa: Hey, you jerks! Get out of MY playground!
Luigi: Who are YOU supposed to be?
Koopa: I’m Jr. Troopa and I’m the baddest dude since Mr. Schwartzy! Now get out of here before I boot you out myself!
Luigi: Buzz off.
Steam comes out of Jr. Troopa’s ears.
Jr. Troopa: That is IT!!! You are gonna get it!
Jr. Troopa charges towards Luigi and at the last second he whacks Jr. Troopa with the hammer as if it were a baseball bat and sends Jr. Troopa flying.
Jr. Troopa: JR. TROOPA’S BLASTING OFF AGAIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!
A star appears in the sky after he flies out of view.
Luigi: Wow, that seemed to be effective!
He looks at Goompa and smirks.
Goompa: Don’t you dare…
Luigi whacks Goompa with the hammer, jumps on top of him, and jumps off when he’s over Goomba Village.
Luigi: Now to whack that block!
Luigi does so.
Luigi: Gee, how descriptive.
Shut up, you!
Goomba with Blue Hat (you should know who he is): Hey, you’re Luigi, right?
Luigi: Yeah. Who are you?
Goombario: I’m Goombario! Excellent… Mybe if I follow Mario’s loser brother around, I can finally meet Mario in person!
Luigi: You do know that you said all of that out loud, right?
Goombario: We should be going to Toad Town!
Luigi and Goombario proceed down the path until…
Red Goomba: Hey, you!
Blue Goomba: No, you! The green one!
Bush: For the last time, I did NOT take the last Red Bull!
Red and Blue Goombas: The OTHER green one!
Luigi: Yeah? What do you two losers want?
Red Goomba: You’re Luigi, right?
Luigi: That would be my name. Don’t wear it out.
Blue Goomba: Well, we can’t let you past! King Goomboss commands it!
Luigi: Well, tell your king that I’m gonna shove both of you up his rear end if you two don’t freaking move!
Goomboss: You’re going to shove them up my butt, eh?
Luigi looks up.
Luigi: Yes. Do you have a problem with that?
Goomboss: As a matter of fact, I do!
Goomboss leaps into the air and Luigi kicks him just as he’s about to land, making him fall of the ledge and into the water below.
Red and Blue Goombas: Wait! Take us with you!
They both jump into the water and land next to Goomboss.
Goomboss: You idiots, Goombas can’t swim! Now we’ll all drown!
Red Goomba: But at least we’ll drown with you, merciful one!
Blue Goomba: We’ll be by your side until the end of time!
Goomboss: I regret that you two came from my spores.
Goombario: That was... easier than expected.
Luigi: Yeah, let’s go before something else happens.
Luigi and Goombario walk towards Toad Town. Kammy is floating overhead.
Kammy: Aw, sunuvva…
She flies away, towards Peach’s Castle.
Meanwhile in an obvious location…
Bowser: I finally have Princess Peach all to myself and without either one of those Mario Brothers to ruin it!
Kammy: LORD BOWSER, LORD BOWSER!!!
Kammy bursts in through the window.
Bowser: Hey, they invented something new recently. It’s called a door, it lets you get in and out of places. So why don’t you try using it, you stupid hag?!
Kammy: No time for that! Luigi defeated Goomboss!
Bowser: What?! That’s impossible! Despite the fact that Goombas are his weakest enemies, there’s no way that he could have beaten Goomboss!
Kammy: Uh, right. But that little glowy thingermabobber of yours makes you invincible. You’ll whup that little feller in no time.
Bowser: Yeah, I guess you’re right…
But it’s absolutely imperative that Luigi does not retrieve the Star Spirits!
Kammy, send out the Koopa Brothers…
Back to our heroes…
Luigi: Ah, we have finally arrived in Toad Town! Don’t you just love expository dialogue?
Goombario: Not really.
Luigi: Hey! That pipe leads to my house! Wanna come?
Goombario: OH YEAH!
They both jump into the pipe and end up in front of Mario’s Pad, with Mario sitting on the front deck.
Mario: Hey, Bro! Where have you been all this time? … And who’s that guy with you?
Luigi: Princess Peach has been kidnapped by Bowser again and I have to talk to seven Star Spirit things.
Mario: Um… Good luck with that.
Luigi: You’re not going to help?
Mario: No. We’ve both saved Peach plenty of times, I don’t see why you can’t do it on your own, like me.
Luigi: Whatever… jerk.
Mario: What was that?!
Luigi quickly jumps back into the pipe.
Goombario: Shoot, I didn’t even get to have his autograph!
Goombario follows him through the pipe.
Mario: Luigi should be able to handle this on his own. But just in case…
Mario opens the front gate and runs
across a brick path.
Luigi and Goombario emerge from the pipe at about the same time.
Luigi: So much for Mario helping us.
Goombario: Yeah, sure, whatever. Where are we supposed to go, anyway?
Luigi: Shooting Star Summit. It’s right behind Peach’s Castle.
Goombario: Okie-dokie. SKIP!
Luigi and Goombario automatically appear there, so I won’t have to describe how they walk there.
Luigi: Star Spirits? Are you there?
They all slowly appear, although they look somewhat like holograms.
Eldstar: Yes… but we are not here physically. We don’t have enough power to project ourselves here for much longer.
Klevar: Yes. Now Bowser has the Star Rod, which makes him nearly unstoppable.
Misstar: Yes. Find all seven of us and you might have enough power to defeat Bowser…
Skolar: But that won’t easy. Bowser has hidden each of us in different locations and all of us are guarded by fearsome beings, handpicked by Bowser himself.
Luigi: Well, seeing as how Bowser’s a moron, I don’t think that they’ll be much of a problem.
Muskular: Don’t underestimate him! That would be a grave mistake…
Kalmar: Good luck, chosen one.
Mamar: I see sparklies!
They soon fade away after Mamar’s philosophical remark.
Goombario: Woah, that was trippy, dude.
Back in Peach’s Castle…
Peach is pacing back and forth.
Peach: Oh, I feel so sorry for Luigi… All that he was trying to do was help and he may be really hurt, or even dead.
Peach shudders at the thought.
Peach: And everyone else is in prison… I sure hope Luigi’s okay. Maybe he can get Mario to help us…
Peach starts to tear up.
???: Hey, don’t cry!
Peach: Wh-who said that?
???: Me! Please let me in, Miss!
She hears tapping on the window.
She opens the window and a little star flies in.
???: Thank you!
Peach: Who are you?
???: My name is Twink! I came from Star Haven to help you!
Peach: Oh, how sweet… But you’re just a Star Kid, aren’t you? I didn’t think that you could grant wishes.
Twink: Um… I can’t. I’m sorry. But I’ll help out any way I can!
Peach: Can you find Mario or Luigi for me? I overheard Bowser gloating about Star Spirits or something and heard him say something about the “Koopa Bros’ Castle”…
Twink: Sure! I’ll be there on the double!
Twink flies out of the castle.
Peach: Luigi… please save us. I believe
Back at Shooting Star Summit…
Goombario: Well, now we know that we need to find the Star Spirits, but where could they possibly be? We don’t even know where to start!
Luigi: That’s a good question. Well, I-
A star suddenly konks Luigi on the head.
Luigi: Hey, watch it, bub!
Twink: S-sorry! Do you know where a Mario or Luigi is?
Luigi: Hey, I’m Luigi!
Twink: Thank goodness! My name is Twink, Princess Peach told me to find you!
Luigi: Peach?! Is she okay?
Twink: Yeah, she’s just fine! She also told me to tell you that one of the Star Spirits is at the Koopa Bros’ Fortress. I think it’s right past a place called Koopa Village.
???: Bwahahaha! Excellent!
Kamek swoops down in front of them!
Twink: Y-y-you! Did you follow me?!
Kamek: Yes, I did! Now I’ll defeat one of the Mario Bros. and Grandma will love me for sure!
Luigi: Kammy is your grandma?
Kamek: SHUT UP!
He zaps geometric shapes out of his wand, which Luigi easily dodges. Luigi then jumps on Kamek’s head, which makes him disappear in a puff of smoke.
Goombario: Wow. Does that happen to EVERY enemy you jump on?
Twink: That was amazing! … I guess. The fight only lasted for ten seconds. But anyway, I’m going back to Peach’s Castle, so I can see if she’s okay. Bye!
Twink flies away.
Luigi: Wow, he’s flying back to her despite the fact that Bowser might catch him…
Goombario: He’s done for.
After resting a bit they continue their journey and make their way towards Koopa Village. Little do they know that danger is lurking nearby...