Prologue: The not-chapter!
One day in Toad Town… ah, forget it. That part’s stupid anyway. Let’s go on ahead and skip to the good part!
Random Toad #1: Soon the whole kingdom’ll get the blorbs!
Random Toad #2: We have to not panic.
Random Toad #3 swells up.
Toads: … WE’RE GONNA DIE!
The Toads go insane and start running around in circles.
Peach: TOADSWORTH! Stop inflating that life-sized inflatable Toad!
Toadsworth: Sorry, Princess. I thought he was looking a bit flat.
The panicking Toads stop. A couple hit themselves.
Peach: I didn’t call us here to act like idiots. The new mall opening is in jeopardy!
Toad: … YOU MEAN THIS WHOLE (!&!#^(! MEETING WAS ORGANIZED SO WE COULD DEBATE ON WHETHER THE MALL SHOULD BE SAVED?!
Peach: Yeah, pretty much.
Toad: RAAAAAAAWWWWR!
Toad tries to throttle Peach, but two Toad security guards hold him back. Toad shoots Peach an angry look while being carried off.
Peach: Well, since it seems like I’m the only one that cares about the mall, let’s start talking about the bulborbs.
Toadsworth: Um, Your Highness, it’s blorbs.
Peach: Whatever. Anyways, you peoples are obsessing over the thing, so I got some random floating orb-person to help.
Starlow floats in.
Starlow: I can’t cure them.
Peach: I didn’t even ask you that yet!
Starlow: I can read minds.
Peach: Maybe Martin and Wiggly can help us!
Toadsworth: It’s Mario and Luigi.
Peach: Wait, all this time his name was Mario?! What’s my real name then? HOW MUCH OF MY LIFE IS A LIE, TOADSWORTH?!
Peach starts crying.
Toadsworth: … I’ll fetch the masters.
30 minutes later…
Mario: Get it in gear, Luigi! We gotta help the princess!
Luigi points out towards you, the reader.
Luigi: And you gotta help us!
Mario smacks Luigi.
Mario: I TOLD YOU THAT THE PHILLIPS CD-I WAS BAD!!!
Luigi: Sorry.
After about 10 minutes of Luigi spouting off random CD-I quotes, they finally arrive at Peach’s Castle.
Luigi: I hope she made lotsa spaghetti!
Mario: *like Knuckles in Sonic X* SHUT UP!
Toadbert: Hey guys! Go to the conference room, or I’ll kill you.
Twink: Hey! That’s my line!
Twink and Toadbert start trying to kill each other. Mario and Luigi slink away from the carnage and into the conference hall, where Bowser’s weekly kidnapping is in progress.
Bowser: Let me kidnap you as a plot device!
Peach: NO! Mario! Green boy! Help me!
Luigi: Um, it’s Lui-
Bowser: Can it, Squeegee. I’ll kill you, Mario!
LET’S-A GO!!
Mario-
HP: 25
SP: 6, although it’s not important
now.
----VS!!----
Bowser-
HP: 35
FIGHT!
Mario uses Jump! 2 damage! 2 damage!
Bowser: 31/35
Bowser uses Fireball! Mario dodges!
Toadsworth: I can tell you how to dodge and such. Care to hear me babble?
Mario: *Hotel Mario voice* No?
Without warning, Bowser incinerates Toadsworth, who somehow survives unscathed.
Toadsworth: I say, how am I still alive?
Mariorulez14: So I can kill you off publically later.
I shoot him an evil grin and disappear. Toadsworth runs off somewhere.
Mario: This’ll take too long. Running gag time! POWUH TO DA LEVEL ONES!
Bowser: GAAAAAAAAH!!! BURNING!!!
Bowser: -999/35
Bowser epic failed! Mario wins!
BATTLE OVER!!
Bowser is then flung out of the castle by a random floor-a-pult.
Mario: When did you get that installed and why didn’t you use it earlier?
Peach: Last week, and I didn’t feel like it.
Will Bowser survive the impact? Why
is Peach more concerned with the mall than the blorbs? Why is it that at
the end of chapters, the author asks random, foreshadowing questions? All
will be explained in time, young grasshopper.
Chapter 1-Return of the King- er… Freak
Bowser crashlands in Dimble Wood.
Bowser: OOOOOOOOOWWWW!
Random Magikoopa: Your Ouchiness!
Bowser: How’d you find me? There are trees everywhere!
Frank (the random magikoopa): Look around… My name’s Jim!
Mariorulez14: Whatever floats you boat, Frank.
I walk off, matchbox in hand. Bowser looks around and sees that his face made a crater in the ground and created a whole new forest clearing by squishing five trees.
Bowser: … How’d I squish five trees this big?
Frank: Who knows? Go explore.
Bowser walks on. After crushing several rocks and burninating countless trees, they reach a clearing.
Random Merchant Person… meh, we’ll call him Lufwaf: A WINNER IS YOU!
He holds up the “Lucky(?) Mushroom”.
Bowser: Ooh. Pretty colors. Now what did my mom say about pretty-colored Mushrooms…?
Bowser’s Mom: The pretty ones will either kill you or make you inhale everything in sight, dear!
POOF!
Bowser: AWESOME! They either increase my lifespan by 200 years or make me able to kill the Mario Bros? SWEET! GIVE IT HERE!
Bowser snatches the Mushroom from Lufwaf and eats it in front of him.
Lufwaf: Hey! You did not let me do the monologuing!
Bowser: (mouth full) Shut up, weirdo!
Bowser swallows and starts inhaling everything he sees.
Kirby: HEY! That’s my thing!
Kirby and Bowser then get into a suction war, but the Lucky Mushroom proves too strong for the little guy… Meh, he’ll be back later.
Bowser (while inhaling): TALKING WHILE INHALING FEELS WEIRD! MAKE IT STOP, WEIRDO!
Lufwaf: Naw, I do not have the feeling like it.
Bowser eventually passes out from all of the nasty stuff he inhaled and the massive amounts of oxygen and carbon dioxide he breathed in.
Lufwaf: There will be no more of the calling me Lufwaf! My nametag you will read NOW!
There is a close up on Lufwaf’s nametag,
which appears out of nowhere. It says:
Hello! My name is: Fawful.
Fawful: Yay! I have chortles at you, Bowser! Now, to Peach’s Castle you go!
In the conference room…
Peach: Oh well. I’m off to protest the blorbs at the mall construction site!
Peach grabs a pile of picket signs and walks off… right into Bowser’s field of suction. Everybody gets sucked into Bowser’s gaping maw.
Bowser: GWAHAHAHA! WAHAHAHAHA- Why am I laughing? WAHaha…ha…
Bowser passes out for some reason. Probably from all that excess air he sucked in.
Later…
Mario is playing poker with a Goombule, a Spike Blop, and a Protobatter.
Mario: HA! ROYAL FLUSH! WAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
They drop their cards, chuck Luigi and Starlow at Mario (who they found along the way), and engage in battle.
LET’S-A GO!!
Mario-
HP: 25
SP: 6
&
Luigi-
HP: 30
SP: 8
----VS!----
Protobatter-
HP: 24
&
Spike Blop-
HP: 10
&
Goombule-
HP: 8
FIGHT!
Mario uses Action Replay! All Special Attacks gained!
Luigi uses Action Replay! HP and SP
maxed out!
Mario & Luigi HP: 999/999
Mario & Luigi SP: 999/999
Protobatter uses Swing, Batter Swing!
3 damage on Mario because he doesn’t have a hammer!
Mario HP: 996/999
Spike Blop uses Charge! 2 damage on
Luigi because he doesn’t have a hammer!
Luigi HP: 997/999
Goombule uses Headbutt! Luigi counterattacks! 8 damage! Goombule KO’d!
Mario uses Falling Star on Protobatter and Spike Blop! 25/12/3/3/3/3/3 damage! Total damage-52 each. Protobatter KO’d! Spike Blop KO’d!
Mario and Luigi Win! 60 Exp. gained each! Level up!
Mario-
HP: 999
SP: 999
POW: 27
DEF: 15
Speed: 27
‘Stache: Over nine-THOUSAAAAAAND!!!
Luigi-
HP: 999
SP: 999
POW: 21
DEF: 35
Speed: 30
‘Stache: Same as Mario.
BATTLE END!
Mariorulez14: I’m lazy, so don’t expect to do that again. I grant you the power to kill enemies by touching them. Except for bosses.
Mario and Luigi continue on until they find Bowser’s major nerve.
Mario: Hmmm… A pulsing growth growing out of Bowser’s spinal cord? ... HYAAAAAAA!!!
Mario bodyslams the protrusion with all his might and Bowser’s pain level goes off the scale.
Bowser: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!
Bowser blasts through the roof of the cave and crushes a rock, revealing a swirling power-vortex-thing.
Bowser: Ooh. Swirly.
Mysterious Voice: WHO DARES REVEAL THE CHAKROAD WITHOUT MY SAY-SO?!
Bowser: Me.
Mysterious Voice: Nice to meet you, Me. Strange name, though.
Bowser: Wait, WHAT?! My name’s not ME! I’m BOWSER, the Koopa King!
Mysterious Voice: Ah. Bowser. My name is Chak- err, Chuck. The floating voice.
Bowser: Whatever. I’m leaving.
Bowser continues on without learning how to use the Chakroad. He eventually finds Plack Beach.
Bowser: Well, time to find a statue to kill so I can go on!
Voice: ‘Elp me! ‘Elp me!
Bowser looks yonder and sees a ? Block man on an island.
? Block Man: Oh, allo! My name ees Broque Monsieur. Eef you ‘elp me, I’ll give you zees block!
Bowser: Ok. I’ll pull this rope and see what happens.
After a series of events I’m too lazy to describe, Broque Monsieur is safe.
Broque Monsieur: Thank you, Monsieur Turtle Bits! ’Ere ees your block!
Mariorulez14: (faking enthusiasm) Wow, Bowser! You got the Vacuum block! You can use the Inhale command in battle! Isn’t that great?
Bowser: Kid, you’re weird.
Broggy: BROOF ROOF!
Broque Monsieur’s dog, Broggy, barges in. Bowser punch-counters, sending Broggy into the water.
Broque Monsieur: Ah! My petit Broggy! You are drowning, no?!
While Broque Monsieur is saving Broggy, Bowser continues on and eventually finds the statue.
Bowser: YES! Time to kill it!
Fawful: I HAVE CHORTLES!
A Fawfulcopter flies in.
Fawfulcopter: You will have the losings to my statue! It will be the mustard on your doom sandwich!
Bowser flicks the statue and it shatters into millions of pieces.
Fawfulcopter: That is of the least fairness! MIDBUS! COME!
A pig/armadillo thing comes in.
Midbus: I’ll kill you and I will win because you skipped me in an unfair way.
Bowser: That made no sense! So… HOW ‘BOUT NO?!
Bowser punches Midbus into the water.
Midbus: MASTER FAWFUL! *glub* I DON’T HAVE THE SWIMMING WINGS ON! *blub*
Midbus sinks to the bottom, where Bloopers start trying to eat him.
Bowser: Wow. I didn’t know they were carnivores. But still, these enemies are getting boring. I wanna burn ‘em now!
He tries to burn a tree that grew in a deleted scene, but nothing comes out.
Bowser: HEY! I CAN’T BREATHE FIRE!
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Whenever Starlow talks, she’s inside Bowser (unless I say otherwise).
Starlow: What? You can’t breathe fire?
Bowser: No duh, genius! Wait, who are you?
Starlow: Uhhh… Chippy?
AUTHOR’S NOTE (again): Since Starlow is a stupid name, I’m going with Chippy now.
Bowser: Fix me, Chippy, or I’ll resort to THIS!
Bowser holds up a box of Shroom-Lax.
Chippy: OH DAD, NOT SHROOM-LAX! YOU’LL KILL EVERYTHING IN HERE!
Bowser: How’d you know I was holding a box of Shroom-Lax?
Chippy: I have X-ray vision.
Bowser: Great. I can’t breathe fire, there’s a mutant in my body, and there’s a French stalker-guy following me because I accidentally killed his dog!
Bowser looks up into one of the trees and sees Broque Monsieur trying to snipe him.
Bowser: GO AWAY!
Broque Monsieur: NEVAH! AVENGE MY BROGGY!
Broque Monsieur fires, but the bullet bounces off Bowser’s shell and into Broque’s forehead.
Broque Monsieur: Ow! That hurt! Luckily I’m made of ? Blocks!
He falls out of the tree and is eaten by a shark.
Broque Monsieur (before being eaten): AAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! LAND-SHARK!
GULP!
Bowser: Well, that takes care of by problems!
Meanwhile, inside Bowser’s body, Mario and Luigi are getting ready to enter Bowser’s Flame Pipe area.
Mario: Okay, hotsuits?
Luigi: Check.
Mario: Ice Flowers?
Luigi: Check.
Mario: Starbucks iced coffees?
Luigi is seen sipping an iced coffee.
Luigi: Check.
Mario and Luigi walk in to see what challenges lay ahead.
Mario: OH CRUD! WE FORGOT THE HAMMERS!!!
Luigi is pounded into the ground by two hammers.
Mario: Yay.
A Scutlet eats Chippy.
Mario: YOU ATE CHIPPY! DIE!
Mario chucks Luigi’s iced coffee at the Scutlet and it dies.
Mario: Well that was easy!
Luigi: *sniff* My iced coffee… Wait, what about Chippy?
Chippy bursts out of the Scutlet’s remains and it shrivels. A pillar of fire starts bursting through the pipe.
Bowser: BOOYEAH! I CAN BREATHE FIRE AGAIN!
Bowser burns the trees and continues on towards Dimble Wood.
Why is Broque Monsieur trying to kill Bowser because he killed Broggy? Why did the Scutlet die on contact with the iced coffee? Why did Starlow lie about her name? Why did I call Fawful Lufwaf (Fawful backwards)? I can answer that one. BECAUSE I DID! Why more foreshadowing questions? Hey, I’m the author, not the question-answerer. You’ll just have to be patient!