1,000 years ago, Old Man Jenkins
was born. Oh, and also a bunch of guys with magical powers got into a fight
or something like that. I think it was about the last brownie. I only got
a C in History… STOP JUDGING ME! Oh, and people died and stuff, blah, blah,
blah. Today, the Subconian Empire, situated in (of course) Sub-con, has
control of lots of machines and one girl with magical powers, and they’re
all on the verge of having another war thing. I’m guessing that’s bad.
I don’t know, I only got a C in Future… WHY MUST YOU MOCK ME?! *runs off
crying*
Chapter 1: Black Magic Woman
Three figures riding mechanical Yoshis appear, riding their machines to the cliff. One is a Greaper. One is a Dry Bones. The third is some purple girl with a pink and white hat, pink hair, and a glowing red and white headband.
Dry Bones: … It’s cold out here.
Greaper: … Figure that one out yourself?
Dry Bones: Shut up, Greaper!
Greaper: Well come on, our Mind Slave can’t talk and even she knows it’s cold out here, don’t you?
The purple shadow thing is staring blankly ahead. Her head falls back and her mouth drops open.
Greaper: … Maybe we have the mind control headband on a little too strong…
Dry Bones: Whatever, our friend Boo is having his wedding in Diamond City in two hours and we can’t be late!
Greaper: Relax, we’ll just come in, get the thing, and get out.
Dry Bones: Thing? You don’t even know what we call whatever we’re getting?!
Greaper: Shut up, you don’t know either!
Dry Bones: That’s right, Greaper. Solve all your problems by bringing me to your level! You know, one day I won’t be around for you to do that! Then what?! Huh?!
Greaper: Look, we need to focus on our mission, okay?
Dry Bones: Sure, NOW you focus on the mission. You’ll never find a lady because you’re too busy seeing someone else… YOUR JOB!
Greaper: YOU WANNA GO, BONEHEAD?!
Dry Bones: BRING IT ON! But first, we have to get the Star Spirit from the mine.
Greaper: You’re right… Sorry about the bonehead thing…
Dry Bones: Sorry about the jokes about your family.
Greaper: What jokes?
Dry Bones: Oh yeah, you didn’t hear me say them… Let’s just go…
Greaper: … Right… Say, why do we have her anyway?
Dry Bones: Oh, something about her using Lv. 4 Fiery Jinx on a buncha our soldiers.
Greaper: Level Four?! That’s not even possible!
Dry Bones: I know, the Mecha Yoshi amplified her power and gave her more attacks than us on our command menus.
Greaper: What menus? This isn’t a game!
Dry Bones: … Right… Okay, let’s go.
The three leave the cliff and walk their Mecha Yoshis across the long, frozen wastelands. It takes a while for the sake of the opening credits that don’t exist because this is a story.
STORY WRITTEN BY: ME
Oh, never mind I guess.
Dry Bones: Are we there yet?
Greaper: No.
Dry Bones: Are we there yet?
Greaper: No.
Dry Bones: Are we there yet?
Greaper: Mind Slave!
The shadowy girl shoots a beam from her Mecha Yoshi’s mouth at Dry Bones.
Dry Bones: Ouch!
Finally, they reach Fahr Outpost.
Bob-omb Guard: Look! ‘Ere they are! The bad guys!
“Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto” plays for a few seconds as Greaper, Dry Bones, and the shadowy slave enter town on their machines. The song stops once they’re all there.
Greaper: You know, I bet they wouldn’t have heard us coming if you didn’t play that CD on the way here!
Dry Bones: Oh yeah, like they could ignore three strangers riding mechanical dinosaurs anyway. Besides, I thought it fit the situation, what with us being on robots.
Greaper: Shut up. Mind Slave! Murderize them!
The shadowy girl presses a button on her Mecha Yoshi, causing it to open its mouth and shoot a Yoshi tongue-shaped missile at a Bob-omb, killing him. She uses Fiery Jinx on the rest of them.
Greaper: Good girl. Here’s a biscuit.
He tosses a biscuit (not a dog biscuit) into her mouth and the three continue into the mines.
Bob-omb Guard: Say hello to our little friend!
Hermie III appears.
Hermie III: You guyth are going down!
Dry Bones: Oh no! It’s the first boss in the story! We’re doomed! We’re just grunts! We can’t take him on!
Greaper: Relax, I heard you can lower his defenses with Thunder Rage Beam and attack his shell with fire.
Dry Bones: Oh! Mind Slave! Attack this giant enemy crab on his weak point for massive damage!
The shadow girl uses Fiery Jinx on the shell.
Greaper/Dry Bones: Riiiiiidge Racer!
Hermie: MY THELL! HOW COULD YOU?! THAT WATH MY ONLY THELL! IT COTHT ME A FORTHTUNE! I’LL GO TO THE POOR HOUTH NOW IN VAIN! OH THE MITHERY! HOW WILL IT END?!
The giant robot scorpion from the beginning of the first Finally Fantastic lands on him.
Hermie: OUTTH!
Gourmet Guy: At least something didn’t land on me for once.
A rock lands on him.
Gourmet Guy: WHY?!
He’s run over by the Mega Shell.
Nacho: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
So is Nacho.
Bob-omb Guard: I’m getting out of here!
He leaves, freeing the three robotic dinosaur riders to proceed. They find Kalmar encased in ice.
Dry Bones: There he is…
Dry Bones points to a hobo sleeping next to Kalmar encased in ice.
Dry Bones: I told you there were hoboes here!
Greaper: No, I told YOU!
The shadow girl is walking to the frozen Star Spirit.
Dry Bones: Hey, Mind Slave! Snap out of it!
Something comes over the shadow girl. She turns her Mecha Yoshi toward the two of the Three Musty Fears and attacks with magic.
Greaper: I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD’VE GIVEN HER WEEKENDS OOOOOFFFFFFFFFF!!!
Dry Bones: SHUT UUUUUUP!!!
There’s no trace of them or their machines left.
Kalmar: (Uh, I was supposed to warp them out…)
The shadow girl then blacks out.
Kalmar: (Well that’s just great. Who’s gonna break me out now?)
…
The shadow girl wakes up, without the headband but still with her hat, in a bed in a house. A ghostly head sticking out of a jar hops into the room.
Shadow Girl: Ow… My head… Huh?! Wah! Where am I?
Jarvis (demonic voice): Welcome to the Underwhere, where your soul shall wait forever!
Shadow Girl: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Jarvis: *regular voice* Just kidding! You’re in Fahr Outpost!
Shadow Girl: That wasn’t funny!
Jarvis: That’s what my brother said ‘en I said that after ‘e woke up in da hospital last week after ‘is surgery.
Shadow Girl: Gee, I can’t imagine why… Say, why does my head hurt?
Jarvis: I just removed the Mind Control Headband from your head. Either that or when ‘e dropped ya on da way over here.
Shadow Girl: …
Everything goes black except for the Shadow Girl.
Shadow Girl: Huh?! What’s going on?
A semi-angsty shadow thing that can use magic. Big whoop. Oh, and she was controlled by the Sub-conian Empire. Oh no.
(Name)
V-I-V-I-A-N
Shadow Girl (Vivian): Oh yeah, that’s my name.
The scene returns to Jarvis’s house.
Jarvis: Is it ‘en? Well-
Voice: YO! LET US IN!
Another: WE BE HEARIN’ ‘BOUT DA SHADOW GIRL UP IN HERE! SO LET US KILL HER, BOOOOOY!
Vivian: Does everyone in this town talk weird?
Jarvis: More or less. Go out mah back door and escape da town troo’ de secret caves, a’ight?
Vivian: … All right…
Vivian does as she’s told. Eventually at some point in the mines, she finds herself cornered by Bob-omb guards.
Guard 1: Aha! Told ya she’d be here, laddies!
Guard 2: !it teg I thgir llA
(Translation: All right, I get it!)
Vivian: That just takes the ca- AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
She falls through a hole.
Guard 2: !LRUG eil a si ekac ehT
(Translation: The cake is a lie GURL!)
Vivian falls and blacks out.
FLASHBACK!
A small Beanish man with a red cape and glasses puts the headband on Vivian in a small room.
Man: Yagshemash! This Mind Control Headband is niiiice! In my home country of Beanbean Kingdom, we would not need such measures to get other people to do what we are told… NOT! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!
The man has Vivian use magic to destroy a lot of Tweeters holding spears in an RPG Battle. The man uses his own Mecha Yoshi to climb over the menu.
Man: Very good! But in my home country of Beanbean Kingdom, if we left menus all over the place, we would be drowned for our insolence!
Then, Vivian is by her Mecha Yoshi, watching a frog wearing a crown give a speech to a bunch of Tweeters. Next to the frog are a pink thing with a bow and a snout, a short guy with a hat and a mustache, and the Beanish man.
Frog: I AM THE GREAT WART!
Unseen Tweeter’s voice: BOO! BRING ON THE JOKES!
Wart: What? I never promised comedy!
Tweeters: JOKES! JOKES! JOKES! JOKES!
Wart: Grr… HELP ME TAKEOVER THE WORLD AND WE SHALL KIDNAP ALL THE COMEDIANS IN THE WORLD!
Tweeters: YAAAAAAAAAY!
Almost everyone bows to Wart. Other than Wart there is but one Tweeter not bowing.
Unseen Tweeter: I don’t like comedy.
Wart: GET OUT OF MY EMPIRE!
Unseen Tweeter: Aww…
It’s implied he leaves.
Wart: Better.
END FLASHBACK!
Meanwhile, another Beanish man in a purple sweater and a mask in particular walks into Jarvis’s house. He’s also wearing a blue vest.
Jarvis: ‘ere were ya?!
Beanish man: I was late because I was busy stealing this off another thief…
Jarvis: Excuses!
The world turns black except for this guy.
A dirty, rotten “shadow” thief, and don’t let him tell you otherwise… Say, where’s my wallet?
(Name)
P-O-P-P-L-E
Popple: How’d you know my name?!
The world returns.
Popple: Is that gonna be a regular thing?
Jarvis: I don’t know what ya mean! Now go an’ be aparta the plot!
Popple: As long as I don’t have to listen to you speaking anymore, fine.
He’s leaving.
Jarvis: An’ be sure to visit the king o’ Diamond Castle! … The author ain’t very good at addin’ da Irish accents, he’s not…
Back in the mines, Popple walks into the room.
Popple: Lucky I was able to land on that red thing to break my fall.
Gourmet Guy: That was me.
Popple: Oh…
The leader of the guards of Fahr Outpost comes in.
Popple: Oh no, not-
Leader: Yee-haw! It’s me, Cowboy Jed! Be sure to come on down to the Mario Kart Emporium on your way to the jailhouse and play Mario Kart Wii!
Popple: Never! I’m not in that game!
Cowboy Jed: Then prepare to dah!
A bunch of Bob-ombs appear behind him as backup. They each pull out Blue Spiny Shells. Popple notices a big “1” in the corner near him.
Popple: Aw crud…
Popple’s damaged by all the Blue Shells. Suddenly a bunch of Pixls come in.
Popple: Hey! Pixls!
Cudge: What did you think we were?
Thoreau: Enough of this talk, old beans! We attack!
Thudley: Girth Power Activate!
Barry: I think I’ll just wait behind that rock over there.
Boomer: You’ll fight and you’ll like it.
Carrie: I agree! I like agreeing with people!
Popple: … Can you all agree that we should keep this girl safe from Cowboy Jed?
Pixls: Okay.
Popple and all the Pixls defeat the guards.
Cowboy Jed: Good thing I prepare!
Cowboy Jed pulls out a Blue Shell, three Red Shells, and a Bullet Bill.
Popple/Pixls: *gulp*
One savage beating later…
Cowboy Jed: Yee-haw! Any last words?
Popple: Look… at the corner…
Cowboy Jed notices he’s in twelfth place even though everyone’s just standing.
Cowboy Jed: NOOOOOO!!!
Cowboy Jed runs off and cries.
Popple: … That worked better than I thought.
Popple gets off the ground and the Pixls hurl Vivian’s unconscious body into his arms.
Popple: Hey! Oh yeah, I’m supposed to take her to Diamond Castle. All right…
Popple walks out of the mines and hits a switch with his foot to open the exit. Vivian wakes up.
Vivian: … AAAAH! KIDNAPPER!
Popple: NOOO! I’m rescuing you!
Vivian: … Why?
Popple drops her.
Vivian: Ow!
Popple: We’re going to Diamond Castle.
Vivian: Does it help to know that I have amnesia?
Popple: Not another one!
Vivian: Another what?
Popple: Nothing that can’t wait a few chapters to explain.
Vivian: Aww… Anyway, I know my name. I’m Vivian.
Popple: Popple.
Pokemon Trainer: Look! It’s a wild Popple! I’ve been saving my Master Ball just for you!
Popple: POPPLE! Popple pop! Popple!
(Translation: OH NO! Another one! Run!)
The two characters flee.
Chapter 2: The Wario of Seville
Vivian and Popple cross the overworld map (complete with Super Mario World’s Donut Plains music) and make it to a palace in a desert that’s guarded by a giant Chain Chomp in the back. The regular guards are those orange things from Wario World.
Magon Guard: Halt! Who goes there?
Popple: I’m the king’s buddy. Due to our mutual interest in money.
Pink Floyd: MONEY!
Popple: Yeah, that.
Magon: Okay.
Popple and Vivian walk into the castle and make their way to the throne room. They find a short, fat Italian man with a weird mustache and crazy eyes. He’s dressed up like a king and is wearing a crown.
Popple: Hey King.
King: Hey Popple. You paid the entrance fee?
Popple: What?
King: Yeah, I just decided that everyone who wants to get into my castle should pay a fine. WAHAHAHAHA!!!
Popple: … (Stupid, no-good…)
Popple pays the man enough for himself and Vivian.
Vivian: And you’re King…?
The world turns dark around the king.
The king of Diamond Castle. He loves garlic and can fly by farting. I am not kidding. If his belly starts to bulge, watch out.
(Name)
W-A-R-I-O
The world returns.
Wario: King Wario!
An old man flies in on a magic carpet.
Gwonam: Your Majesty, Ganon and his minions have seized the island of Koridai.
Wario: Hmm… How can we help?
Gwonam: It is written, only Popple can defeat Ganon.
Popple: Great, I’ll grab my stuff!
Gwonam: There is no time your knife is enough!
Vivian: HEY! Why am I here?!
Gwonam flies away.
Gwonam: Squadala! I’m off!
Wario: So anyway, you were with Wart? That’s okay, Diamond City and Sub-con are friends… for the right price! WAHAHAHAHA! Money!
Pink Floyd: MONEY!
Popple: I’m gonna go… uh… NOT rob the vault. Yeah, that’s what I’m gonna do.
He leaves.
Vivian: Why are you helping?
Wario: YOU’RE HOT!
Vivian: Excuse me?
Wario: I mean what I said! … Oh, also I thought it’d be a good chance to make some money-
Pink Floyd: MONEY!
Wario: See, if we go against Sub-con, chances are times will be tough for Diamond City and I’ll need to start some new taxes so I can live as normal even though I already am, so I can make money!
Pink Floyd: MONEY!
Wario: STOP DOING THAT! Oh, and apparently Wart’s bad and stuff. Now feel free to roam around my castle. Just avoid saying the “M” word or else those guys will come back.
Vivian: Okay…
Vivian goes around the castle and runs into an old lady.
Vivian: Who are you?
Lady: I’m just old Mrs. Plot Device, here to divulge information on Wario’s past to anyone who comes up and talks to me!
Vivian: That sounds like it pays well.
Lady: Prepare to be disappointed.
Vivian: ?
Lady: Wario had a brother when he was younger. Well, I assume he still has one, but you know what I mean.
Vivian: I barely remember ever playing Mario sports games… Was his name… Wally?
Lady: Close…
FLASHBACK!
Wario’s in the library, snacking on garlic very loudly, thus causing the librarian to faint after unsuccessfully shushing him too many times. A tall, thin man with crazy eyes and a mustache comes in, dressed in a purple workout shirt with the yellow upside-down L, black pants, and his usual shoes. No hat though.
Twig Thin Twin: Hey Bro, is daddy gonna die?
Wario: Yes.
Twig Thin Twin: NOT AGAIN!
Wario: You have wasted three seconds of my life. Pay up!
Twig Thin Twin: I’m out of coins.
Wario: Well get some! Or else I’ll have to talk to Human Resources again…
A Chomp Bro with a mustache cracks his knuckles.
TTT: *gulp*
The world goes dark around the thin one.
TTT: What’s going on?
Wario’s voice: I don’t know, it just happened to me a few minutes before this flashback. Just act natural.
“Wario’s little brother who got kicked out of the castle for being too wimpy. He SAYS he’s learned uber fighting moves, but I don’t know…”
(Name)
W-A-L-U-I-G-I
END FLASHBACK!
Vivian: Waluigi? That sounds… clunky…
Lady: He looked a lot like his father.
She pulls out a photo of Wario and Waluigi’s father. He resembles Waluigi exactly except he’s wearing a T-shirt that says “Wario and Waluigi’s father” on it.
Vivian: … He was a blunt man, wasn’t he?
Lady: There were no others like him.
Vivian makes her way back to the throne room.
Magon: Someone from Sub-con wants to see you!
Wario: If it’s Fawful, so help me-
Wario stops and goes outside. He sees the Beanish man from Vivian’s flashback and two Tweeters.
Fawful: LOLOLOLOL! Yagshemash, my name is Fawful. And in my home country of Beanbean Kingdom we no longer make the retainers brew the coffee. Now we make the women do it. Is niiiiice!
Wario: That doesn’t sound very nice. I would know. I’m Wario. Now pay up! Everyone who wants to go to this castle has to give me mon- … moolah. Especially if you keep talking like that guy in that movie.
Fawful: … Fine, I will be doing the stopping of that. However, now you shall be doing me the giving of a girl with magical powers who is like a scientist amongst a midst of cavemen!
Wario: No.
Fawful: … I HAVE FURY! TWEETERS! DO THE BURNING OF THIS CASTLE DURING NOW!
Tweeters: Okay.
The Tweeters light matches and set the castle on fire.
Wario: No! This was supposed to happen later on!
Fawful: I have chortles! Too much of badness! Give us the Fink-Rat!
Wario: No! You pay me first!
Fawful: I say to you no!
Wario: Then you’ll never get her!
Suddenly the entire castle submerges with Fawful, Wario, and the two Tweeters stuck in the sand from the waist down.
Wario: … YOU GUYS WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR THE SIGNAL!
An elevator bursts up from the sand. Vivian and Popple come out riding Ostros.
Wario: WHERE’S MINE?!
Popple: Sorry, forgot it. You can have mine… if you have any MONEY!
Pink Floyd: MON-
Fawful zaps them.
Wario: Thank you. Aw forget it.
Wario gets out of the sand and hops onto the Wario Bike and the three get away.
Fawful: TWEETERS! Be hopping onto the Yoshis of mechanicalness and do the pursuitful things!
Tweeters: Okay.
Fawful: Is that all you can be saying?
Tweeters: Okay.
Fawful: …
The Tweeters get out and hop onto Mecha Yoshis while chasing the three.
Popple: MECHA YOSHIS!
Tweeters: Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay!
Wario: Grr, they’re gaining on us!
Vivian: Fiery Jinx!
The Tweeters riding the Mecha Yoshis catch on fire and fall off and start rolling around in the sand.
Tweeters: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! FIRE! IT BURNS! AAAAAAAAHHH!!!
Tweeter 2: Wait… It IS fire. Did you expect it to tickle?
Tweeter 1: I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE! FIRE!
They then sink into the sand for no reason.
Tweeters: NOT OKAY!
Popple: Woah! Magic!
Wario: Magic!
Ostros: MAGIC!
Captain Falcon: YES!
(Translation: Magic!)
Wario: That’s new.
Vivian: So other people don’t use magic?
Wario: Are you crazy? Of course not!
Popple: Now we have to show her to the Master.
Wario: You’re right. But first, these Mecha Yoshis have been set on autopilot. We should get them off our tail-
Vivian: Thunder Rage!
Lightning strikes both machines, disabling them.
Wario: … I could go for some garlic. Anyway, we’re all going to Diamond City now!
The three make a (illegal) U-turn and head for Diamond City.
Fawful: I have fury!
Meanwhile…
Vivian: Who was that?
Wario: Oh, that’s just Fawful.
Vivain: What’s his deal?
Popple: No one really knows. Now come with us to see the Master past Saw Mountain or we’ll both take all your money!
Vivian: … I don’t have a choice, do I?
Wario: Not unless you die like in the other story.
Vivian: … Well I don’t like being kicked out of a story halfway through, so I guess I have no choice… Who is the Master?
Wario: In time. Anyway, that connection you had with the Star Spirit is WEIRD. Especially since only Star Spirits get magic!
Popple: Wario, you only talk about exposition at this great length when you’re deprived of garlic. We should really get some into you.
The Ostros carry the three characters all the way to Diamond Cave. The three then cross and find themselves in Diamond City. They find some guy in a trench coat and sunglasses walking around and carrying a dark blue Chain Chomp with red eyes. He walks into the bar.
Wario: … I think I’ve seen that guy before…
Vivian: Me too.
Popple: I haven’t.
Vivian: Probably because you weren’t in the other story.
Wario: Maybe he’ll know a shortcut to Saw Mountain.
They follow him into Podley’s place.
Popple: Hey, who are you?
Guy: …
Popple: Well?
Wario: Wait a minute…
The world turns black except for the guy and his Chain Chomp.
Guy: Huh?
He does whatever he feels like doing, gosh! He’s an idiot and even he has no clue who he’s loyal to.
Guy: Who just described me in a nutshell?! Are you stalking me?!
(Name)
P-.-T-.
P.T.: What about my pet? Doesn’t he get a name?
The world returns.
Wario: Wait! He was the pathetic excuse for a comic relief in our already outrageous “prequel”! He drove me nuts!
Popple: Oh my.
Everything gets quiet and P.T.’s head turns completely around.
Vivian/Popple/Wario: Huh?
P.T.: *demonic voice* DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? CAN YOU SEE ME?
Popple: Wha?
P.T.: *same voice* I LIVE IN THE DARK. I AM… *normal voice* I forgot… Ow, that hurts my neck when I do that!
He turns his head back around and turns to face the party.
Wario: … Do you know where-
P.T.: No.
Wario: But-
P.T.: No.
Wario: You don-
P.T.: No.
Wario: You smart?
P.T.: No.
Wario: HA!
P.T.: No.
Wario: … Now this is just sad-
P.T.: No.
Vivian: This is boring. Let’s ask someone else.
The three leave. The three run into an old Clubba woman.
Wario: Who are you?
Clubba: I’m Grubbette. Can you look for my son and his rival in Saw Mountain, which is to the northeast of here?
Popple: Well that was easy.
Vivian: I guess we should go then.
And so, Vivian, Popple, and Wario head off to Saw Mountain.