Ignacio, Chauncey, Jenny, and Clam T. come out of a warp pipe in Castle Koopa. They walk up to Kamek, who’s reading the newspaper.
Ignacio: We’re here! We got the Sapphire Charm of Independence!
Kamek turns his head around, rather displeased.
Kamek: I see. And I noticed while you were searching for the charm. The Shroobs just re-kidnapped Professor Elvin Gadd AND Luigi!
Kamek tosses Clam T. the newspaper. He reads it.
Clam T: “Spooky News Gazette! Shroob Armada infiltrates Luigi’s Mansion! Egad! is what E. Gadd would say if he weren’t captured by the Shroobs, having been trapped in a painting. Luigi captured too?!”
Ignacio: Luigi wanted us dead!
Kamek: Then use your leadership skills to make him stop.
Ignacio stops speaking, thinking about what Kamek has said.
Kamek: Or why not use your strength to defeat him and turn him into a villain like Mr. L? Face it, Ignacio, your passion for this task is weak. Do you even want to save Lemmy?
Kamek: Don’t answer that, you’re going to find that answer for yourself! I’m very disappointed in you.
The Sapphire Charm of Independence starts glowing, and shows a Pianta dancing.
Chauncey: Where to?
Kamek: Piantas live on Isle Delfino. I suggest you search there, and NO relaxing this time. You know what happens to villains who relax on Isle Delfino? They end up fighting their worst rivals in a hot tub in the easiest final battle in the history of Nintendo.
Ignacio: We won’t.
Kamek: I certainly hope you won’t. Remember, Ignacio, to create passion, you need to start with compassion.
Kamek summons a warp pipe. Ignacio, Chauncey, Jenny, and Clam T. enter it. They end up in Delfino Square.
Ignacio: Ah, I love this place. It’s always so calm, right guys? Guys?
Ignacio turns around to see Clam T. and Chauncey shopping.
Ignacio: Oh for the love of… GET OVER HERE! We have to find that charm!
Clam T. and Chauncey ignore him. A couple of hours later they return.
Clam T: We found this cool camera on sale.
Chauncey: The guy who sold it to us said it had mystical powers.
Ignacio: I don’t believe this, we’ve wasted several hours looking for one camera… Give it to me.
Clam T: No way! Besides, the villains never do anything drastic to their hostages.
Ignacio: You… wait… Jenny, tell Clam T. to give that camera to me.
Jenny: Give it to him.
Clam T. starts shivering from Jenny’s command. He gives it to Ignacio.
Ignacio: Now, we’re off. Does anyone know where we could find the Sapphire Charm?
A Pianta hears their conversation and walks in on them.
Pianta: Well, I heard King Boo and some Spider took over the hotel’s casino again.
Chauncey: If they’re involved, they might have the charm.
Jenny: Even if they don’t, it’s the perfect opportunity to destroy them!
Ignacio: Let’s go!
Ignacio, Chauncey, Jenny, and Clam T. run over to the hotel to see the owner and FLUDD suntanning outside it.
Ignacio: What are you doing?! Your casino is being invaded!
Owner: I know, but Mario will come and save us like he always does.
FLUDD: He’ll pick me up and clean up any messes.
Ignacio: But Mario’s been captured by the Shroobs!
Owner: So what? We still have that Luigi fellow who always wanted to go on an adventure.
Clam T: Luigi has also been captured.
Owner: Oh well, looks like we’ll have to rely on the Wario Bros. Thankfully, they usually come here to take a vacation from… whatever they do.
Chauncey: Actually, this is the first time the Wario Bros. have even been mentioned.
The Owner jumps up, his face stricken with fear.
Owner: WE HAVE NO ONE TO PROTECT US?! PANIC! PANIC! PANIC IN THE STREETS!
The Owners starts running around in circles.
Jenny: Gee, what an idiot.
FLUDD: Well, it looks like you’re going to need me again.
Jenny: Clam T, pick up that pump thing.
Clam T: Y-y-yes ma’am.
Clam T. picks up FLUDD and attaches it to his back.
FLUDD: Good, now a brief tutorial.
Clam T: I’ve played the game! I don’t need a tutorial.
FLUDD: Very well. Let’s go.
The team walks into the hotel and heads into the casino.
Pianta Janitor: I heard some creepy noises from the roulette wheel.
Ignacio: We’ll check it out.
The team walks onto the center of the Roulette Wheel, which moves down into King Boo’s boss stage. Only now the walls are made of prison cells. The team walks to the edge to check out the cells. However King Boo and Dr. Smith magically appear in the center.
King Boo: Well well well, this brings back memories… Actually I want to fight the old way. Just for nostalgia.
King Boo spins around and turns into his Super Mario Sunshine boss form.
King Boo: There we go.
Ignacio: This time, we’ll take you down for good!
Dr. Smith: Actually, I took the liberty of watching his battle with Mario, and I’m going to make sure he doesn’t make the same mistakes. Step one, disable the slot machine and get rid of any peppers… check.
King Boo: HA! No peppers for you this time!
Dr. Smith: Step two, rid ourselves of magical and paranormal enemies.
Some Bogmire Shadows pop up behind Ignacio and Chauncey and pull them into the cells lining the area.
Dr. Smith: Check. Step three, place Bob-omb-proof shields around King Boo’s lower half.
Some shields pop up and cover King Boo’s entire lower half.
Dr. Smith: Check. Step four, load King Boo with Electrokoopas, Cataquacks, and Bob-ombs.
King Boo spits up a Cataquack, then spits out an Electrokoopa. The Cataquack throws the Electrokoopa in the air. Then a Bob-omb is thrown to them and all three explode.
Dr. Smith: Check. And finally, step five-
Ignacio: Does it involve spiders?
Dr. Smith: SHUT UP! You are all nothing but a bunch of-
What Dr. Smith says is so horrid, if I typed it down on my laptop. It would burst into flames.
Ignacio: Woah… And here I thought he was going to say “You Ninnies”.
Dr. Smith: Anyway, let the one-sided battle commence!
King Boo tosses a Bob-omb at Jenny. She dodges.
King Boo: Stop dodging! I want this to be an easy kill!
Clam T. just stands there, not wanting to disturb Jenny. However he begins to run from an Electrokoopa and Cataquack.
Ignacio: Well this is just great. They’re stuck, and I can’t help… Chauncey! Go help them!
Chauncey: I can’t! These bars are ectoplasm-proof.
Ignacio tries to think. He sees Clam T. running and Jenny dodging Bob-ombs. He gets an idea. He begins speaking in Koopa. King Boo and Dr. Smith don’t understand it. (If you don’t know what Koopa language sounds like, it’s basically a bunch of grunts and growls put into sentences.)
King Boo: Huh?
Jenny, wearing her PTOS, can understand Koopa though. She grabs the Cataquack, which tries to escape.
Jenny: Take this!
Jenny uses the Cataquack to launch the Electrokoopa into King Boo. It goes above the shields so it’s a direct hit.
King Boo and Dr. Smith: BLAGAGAGAGGAAGAGAGAGGA!
Ignacio smirks at seeing King Boo and Dr. Smith zapped, happy that his plan worked.
King Boo: I will not be defeated again! Dr. Smith! Configure the shields!
The shields move to cover King Boo’s top half, then are lowered so that only a layer of his bottom half is still showing. He summons Cataquacks to cover that layer.
Dr. Smith: Stay there and guard us!
Clam T: Now what?!
Some Electrokoopa are thrown out the top. They begin chasing Clam T. and Jenny.
Ignacio: Let’s see… Jenny’s still holding that Cataquack…
Ignacio begins speaking in Koopa again. Jenny nods.
Jenny: Hey Toad! Spray those Cataquacks with water!
Clam T. nods and sprays the Cataquack with FLUDD. Some water gets through and covers the bottom. Ignacio gives out more plans.
Jenny: Now sacrifice yourself to the Cataquacks!
Clam T: Runs over to two Cataquacks guarding the bottom, and they begin juggling him.
Jenny: Now let’s hope this works!
Jenny uses the Cataquack she has to launch an Electrokoopa between the Cataquacks. It goes through and electrocutes the water, King Boo, and Dr. Smith.
King Boo and Dr. Smith: What the- BLAGAGAGAGGAGAGAGAGAGAG!
Dr. Smith: You Cataquacks are fired!
Dr. Smith blows up all the Cataquacks.
Dr. Smith: This should work!
Dr. Smith moves the shields to block half of the entire circle. One side has King Boo, Dr. Smith, the shield generator, and a Bob-omb cannon. The other side has Clam T, Jenny and a lot of Electrokoopas!
Dr. Smith: Shoot them with Bob-ombs! That should finish them all off!
Ignacio starts speaking in Koopa again. Jenny nods and gets in a battle position with her Cataquack. Ignacio sneaks around the cell to the other side of it, behind King Boo and Dr. Smith. He fires his wand at the shield generator. It explodes and the shields disappear.
Jenny launches another Electrokoopa at King Boo and Dr. Smith.
King Boo and Dr. Smith: BLAGAGAAGAGAGAGAGA!
The electricity also blows up the Bob-omb cannon. BOOM!
Dr. Smith: ENOUGH! We give up! Here!
Dr. Smith takes out a Sapphire Star.
Dr. Smith: This is the Sapphire Charm of Leadership. We stole it from the Museum of Isle Delfino. It’s yours now. Just no more!
Dr. Smith tosses the Sapphire Star into the cell. King Boo makes him invisible and they float up and out of the arena.
Ignacio tries to pick up the Sapphire Charm, but it explodes. Dr. Smith pops his head out at the top of the arena.
Dr. Smith: Step five! Booby Trap the Sapphire Star! Ha! We got you! Now you’re all stuck down there! And you’ll never get the REAL Sapphire Star at Corona Mountain! HA HA HA! And they thought I was pathetic! See ya!
King Boo and Dr. Smith leave.
Ignacio: He IS pathetic! He just gave us the location of the Sapphire Star!
Chauncey: AND he made a hole in the bars of this cell. So me and Ignacio can get out.
Chauncey and Iggy crawl through the hole.
Jenny: Now what? We’re stuck down here!
Chauncey: Well, I can lift us out. I can only do one at a time though.
Ignacio: Whatever gets us out of here. Let’s do it.
Chauncey gets everyone out of the battle arena and back into the casino.
Jenny: What about the Cataquack?
Ignacio: Let it rot in the battle arena.
Cataquack: NO! Please! Don’t leave me down here! I helped you guys defeat King Boo and Dr. Smith!
Ignacio thinks about this. He remembers what Kamek said about passion.
Ignacio: Let it live. But if it attempts to backstab us, we kill it.
Cataquack: I won’t.
Chauncey: Do you have a name?
Cataquack: I have no name, I am only 575. We Cataquacks are only given numbers. Never a name. We serve no purpose in life, just hinder the opponents of others. Then we eventually explode. I should consider myself lucky Dr. Smith didn’t destroy me. All I’ve wanted is to actually be thanked for once.
Jenny: Thank you for helping us.
575: … You know, that didn’t feel as refreshing as I thought it would.
Ignacio: Are we ever going to go to Corona Mountain? Or are we going to just stand here?
Clam T: Sorry, let’s go.
The Team hikes up to Corina Mountain. Chauncey floats them all over to the top. They reappear at Bowser’s Hot Tub. Dr. Smith is relaxing in it.
Dr. Smith: Ah, it feels so good to be rid of those pests. Now I can relax with my little Sapphire Star, while King Boo causes trouble all over Isle Delfino.
The Team: WHAT?!
Dr. Smith looks over his shoulder, seeing The Team.
Dr. Smith: DAD, you’re irritating.
Dr. Smith climbs up onto his chair and floats up high in the air.
Dr. Smith: Well, maybe I should’ve put better security in that arena. No matter. I still can defeat you. You’ve played Super Mario Sunshine, right?
The Team: EW NO!
Dr. Smith: … I was expecting a yes, but no matter! Welcome to the final boss of… SUPER KAIZO SUNSHINE!
Three Mecha-Bowsers pop out of the hot tub.
Dr. Smith: Here’s a translation for the people who have no idea what “Kaizo” means. Kaizo in Mario terms is when someone decides to take a normal game of Mario, then twist it around to make every level needlessly complicated and you can’t complete them without using that “Savestate” thing those Hammer Bros. did in their match with Angry Sun.
Dr. Smith: Now IF you can defeat these three monstrosities, you can have the Charm fair and square. If you can’t… you’re dead… I think the latter is more likely to happen though. Bye.
Dr. Smith leaves.
575: I’ll destroy you guys!
575 walks up to a Mecha-Bowser. It knocks him off the edge.
Chauncey flies after 575. A Mecha-Bowser grabs Ignacio.
Ignacio: Clam T! Whack this Bowser with your club!
Clam T. does so and the Mecha Bowser lets go. The other two summon Bullet Bills. Ignacio, Jenny, and Clam T. dodge them.
Ignacio: Jenny! I actually played Super Mario Sunshine. These things have very weak necks!
Jenny jumps on the head of a Mecha-Bowser and rips it offtossing it into the hot tub.
Ignacio: Clam T! Do what you would do in a tennis game!
One of the Mecha-Bowsers fires a Bullet Bill. Clam T. whacks it back at the head of the Mecha-Bowser. The head blows up.
Ignacio: Get launched by Clam T!
Jenny: Launch me!
Jenny jumps on Clam T’s tennis racket and Clam T. launches her onto the final Mecha-Bowser. She tears off the head and tosses it into the abyss.
Ignacio: Yes! We got it!
Chauncey floats up, looking distraught however.
Chauncey: 575 hit the lava before I could get him.
Ignacio: … Dang
Clam T: May his soul be taken to the Overthere, where he will live a happier afterlife.
Ignacio and the others take the Sapphire Star that’s floating in the hot tub. They walk slowly to the pipe to Castle Koopa.
Meanwhile in the Shroob Castle…
A Dr. Shroob wearing a PTOS comes into a torture room. Luigi is strapped to a table, wearing nothing but his underwear. Though that is a bit hard to tell, as he’s covered in shock pads.
Dr. Shroob: Okay, time to go over the checklist. Cover Luigi in water, check. Brush steel wool all over his body, check. Put a shock pad on every part of his body, check… Now Luigi, I’ll give you one last chance. Tell me where the coin vault and weak spots of the Mushroom Kingdom Army are.
Luigi begins to sweat, Peach told him these things in case he had to go on an adventure when Mario was captured. Dr. Shroob notices this.
Dr. Shroob: You know what, the Shroob King told me not to kill you. However, I think I’ll turn the voltage up so high that it WILL kill you.
Luigi: Do-a your worst!
Dr. Shroob turns the voltage up so high it goes past the numbers and ends at a little cartoon skull. He reaches for the switch.
Luigi: … ALL RIGHT-a! I’ll-a talk! We-a forced-a Rip Cheato out of his-a home and used it as our vault-a! The telecoms are-a disguised as save boxes from-a Paper Mario. Without them, we can’t contact Princess Daisy.
Dr. Shroob: Why would you contact Princess Daisy?
Luigi: Her castle is secretly the training grounds for the Mushroom Kingdom’s Reinforcements! ... Oops.
Dr. Shroob: Good.
Dr. Shroob turns the voltage down to one and flips the switch. Even though the voltage is horribly low, the amount going into Luigi with all the shock pads is very painful.
Meanwhile in the Shroob King’s personal office…
The Shroob King is hanging up the portrait of E. Gadd. The subtitles come on.
Shroob King: Ah, what a lovely replacement for that horrid Lydia portrait I had.
Lydia is secretly hiding in the corner of The Shroob King’s mirror.
Lydia: (Well I never!)
The Shroob King sits down at his mirror and turns on the light. We finally see his horrid face. He looks like a fat male version of Princess Shroob, only wearing purple medieval robes.
Shroob King: Soon, not only will the Koopa Kingdom be destroyed, but the Mushroom Kingdom as well. Soon my real master plan will finally be finished.
The Shroob King moves to the side as if to sound like a member of his crew.
Shroob King (Crew Member Imitation): But Your Majesty. Why do you want both the Koopa Kingdom AND Mushroom Kingdom destroyed? And why do you want to know the location of their vaults?
Shroob King (Himself): A very fine question. You see, there are only four powers that are stronger than mine. The Mushroom Kingdom and the Koopa Kingdom are two of them. I’ve always wanted to be the richest in the entire universe. But I can’t if those two still exist. So, while they still hate each other, I can strike swiftly and become the richest on all of Plit.
Shroob King (Crew Member Imitation): But sir, what are the other two powers that are richer and more powerful than you are?
Shroob King (Himself): Well one of them is something you should know. Earth. They are richer with not only gold, but many other currencies and masterpieces like I’ve never seen. I hope with the combined powers of the Shroobs and Plit, we can make an army so powerful that Earth, it’s vast oceans, exotic currency, it’s oil… and it’s women, will be mine! Away with you, my minion!
Shroob King (Crew Member Imitation): Yes sir!
The Shroob King pretends to run away. His intercom buzzes.
Intercom: Sir, Dr. Shroob has good news.
Shroob King: Send him in!
Dr. Shroob comes in excited.
Dr. Shroob: SIR! We have the location of the Mushroom Kingdom’s vault and weaknesses!
Shroob King: Excellent.
Meanwhile in Castle Koopa…
The Team walks into the family room. Kamek is sleeping on the couch.
Ignacio: Lovely, our main guy is asleep!
Clam T: Huh?
Lydia appears in the mirror.
Lydia: Chauncey! There you are! How did you survive?!
Chauncey: Long story, Mom.
Lydia: Oh, my poor little Chauncey. You must be scared stiff. When we get home I’ll change your diaper so well that-
Chauncey: MOM! For DAD’s sake, I’m not a baby! I’m not even a teenager! I can go to the bathroom whenever I want. I can float perfectly fine! In fact I held my own in a battle against King Boo!
Lydia: Chauncey, I’m sure you did. Kids these days.
Ignacio: Ms. Lydia, he actually did. If he had not helped us, King Boo would’ve added us to his portrait collection.
Chauncey: Mom, when we get home you will not change my diaper. What you will change, though, is my room. It will be no longer be pink and I will not sleep in a crib, I will sleep in the guest cottage that was never showed in Luigi’s Mansion. I know about that Mansion more than you do! All you do is admire yourself, and all Dad does is read books. While I’ve checking out the Mansion for cool stuff, you barely even know the names of the portrait ghosts.
Chauncey takes a deep breath and starts naming all the portrait ghosts and talking about all their backstories. This was cut out because it would probably annoy a lot of people and distract from the plot.
Lydia: Oh my, Chauncey. I’m sorry. I-I-I had no idea you have been maturing so quickly.
Chauncey: (Trust me, when ghost puberty starts in a baby, it feels like it takes forever.)
Lydia: … I’ll tell your father about this and we’ll listen.
Chauncey: And get me real clothes. I’m tired of sleepers!
Lydia: … Yes, they are looking quite silly. Ok… Anyway, I’ve come to deliver a message to Iggy.
Ignacio: It’s Ignacio, and what is it?
Lydia: The Shroob King has already found out about the weak spots of the Mushroom Kingdom. You must hurry and get the rest of the Sapphire Charms before he figures out the Koopa Kingdom’s weakness. He also plans to takeover Earth.
Ignacio: Long story. Anyway, do you have any idea where the other Sapphire Charms are? Kamek’s asleep.
Lydia: All I know is that one’s in a volcano, one’s on Isle Delfino, and one is in the Grandmaster Galaxy.
Clam T: Well, we got the one on Isle Delfino. How are we going to figure out WHICH volcano that Sapphire Charm is?
They see a Shroob on TV talking in the desert.
Ignacio: Jenny, can you translate it?
Jenny: Yes. “This just in, we the Shroobs have found the Sapphire Bicep in the Lethal Lava Land Volcano. You hear that, Iggy? We’ve won! You’ll never find it in the lair of Tutankoopa! ... What? ... What’s that? ... I shouldn’t have announced it? ... Oh… Never mind!”
Ignacio: Whoever the Shroob King is, he must not train his minions real well. They aren’t bright.
Clam T: Well, at least we know where the Sapphire Charms are.
Ignacio: Follow me, I know how to get to Tutankoopa’s Pyramid. He’s still a loyal follower of King Dad, so he’ll hopefully hand over the charm if we ask.
The Team hops down a warp pipe, ending up in the oasis of Dry Dry Desert.
Ignacio: Now if I remember Paper Mario, Tutankoopa’s Pyramid is… that.
Ignacio leads the way to Tutankoopa’s Pyramid, beating up a couple of Bandits and Pokies along the way.
Ignacio: Here we are.
The Team arrives at the Pyramid and head inside.
Ignacio: Tutankoopa! Where are you?
Ignacio leads the team all the way down to the inner sanctum.
The Team: Huh?
Tutankoopa turns the lights on, revealing his battle arena. Tutankoopa looks the same, but he has the Sapphire Bicep sewed into his hat.
Tutankoopa: Ah, Master Iggy.
Tutankoopa: Whatever, how may I be of service?
Ignacio: You see, we kind of need that Sapphire Bicep in your hat. It’s probably the Sapphire Charm of Strength.
Tutankoopa: I’m sorry, Master Ignacio, but I cannot follow your task. You see, the Shroobs gave this to me as long as I would guard it. They also gave me some lovely new Chomps.
Ignacio: Tutankoopa! As the son of your king, I demand you give us the Sapphire Bicep! Or we’ll take it by force!
Tutankoopa: … Very well… TAKE THIS!
Tutankoopa picks up a rock, but before he throws it, Ignacio hits him with a spell from his wand.
Tutankoopa: OW! ... SHROOB CHOMPS! GET THEM!
Some Shroob Chomps run out.
Shroob Chomps: %*$(! %*$(! (That’s Shroob language for “BARK! BARK!”)
Jenny tackles the Shroob Chomps and begins mauling them.
Ignacio: Chauncey! Launch Clam T. at Tutankoopa!
Chauncey nods and tosses Clam T. up to Tutankoopa’s ledge. Clam T. hits Tutankoopa with his frying pan and whacks him off the ledge with his golf club. He falls down to the ground. Chauncey picks him up and tosses him into the wall.
Tutankoopa: UNCLE! UNCLE! I give up! I give up!
The Team group together and smirk at their victory.
Clam T: That was easy.
Ignacio: What do you expect from the second boss from Paper Mario?
Tutankoopa: … Hehehe.
Chauncey: What are you snickering at?
Tutankoopa: Because that wasn’t the only Chomp the Shroob sent me!
Tutankoopa pulls out a tiny Chomp whistle. He blows into it, but nothing happens.
Ignacio: This isn’t Mario Party Four, Tutankoopa! Just hand over the charm.
Suddenly the pyramid starts shaking, and a giant ectoplasm-covered Chomp falls through the roof and drops onto the team.
The camera cuts to Tenacious B Studios; Badyoyo is closing a book called “The Journey to Brotherhood”.
Badyoyo: And the moral of the story is… Every Fun Fiction should be different and interesting. Not just another Mario RPG in a Fun Fiction format.