LEG ONE, Part 3
>>Team Cruel<<
Gloomtail: Inferior
mortal, you wouldn’t happen to know of Doom’s first submission, would you?
Dark Koopa: 0_0
Hooktail: Gloomtail, you stink at asking questio-
Dark Koopa: Gloomtail, I am your biggest fan! I was going to propose to my girlfriend on Lemmy’s Forums, but instead, I’m gonna help the coolest villain ever!
…
Gloomtail: You were saying?
>>Team Scheme-2nd
at Junction<<
Larry: *rip*
Fly or Guy?
Ludwig: Fly.
Larry: Fly?
Ludwig: Fly.
Larry: Why?
Ludwig snaps his finger, and his hover-scooter comes into view.
Larry: Cool…
Ludwig (strapping on a helmet): Hop in.
Larry, not being hesitant, jumps aboard, straps on the helmet, and gets positioned.
Ludwig: Hang on!
ZOOM!
Larry: AAAAAAAAAH-OOF!
Ludwig: Done.
Larry: Done?
Ludwig: Is there an echo?
Larry: Hey, another clue.
Ludwig: Precisely.
Larry: *rip* Doom’s first submission!
Ludwig: I… can’t say I know what it is.
Larry: I do! It’s Deadly Disaster!
Ludwig: Wondrous job, sibling! Come, let us receive victory!
ZOOM!
Doom: Welcome to Deadly Disaster!
Larry: Cool.
Lemmy: Ludwig, I already told you: NO SCOOTERS! Since you didn’t listen, you must face a one-hour penal-
Ludwig: Here’s a ball.
Lemmy: On second thought, Team Scheme… you’re the second team to arrive.
***TEAM SCHEME - SECOND PLACE - 5:23 PM***
Larry: Second?
Ludwig: Some fool probably used the Magic Lamp to snipe us again.
Larry: Ah.
>>Teams Dream
and Mean<<
Bowser: WHERE’S
THAT DAYZEE?!
Wart: Forget the Dayzee, where’s your, ribbit, children?!
Playful: Those sneaky idiots!
Bagels: Well, it says on this clue that we’re supposed to head over to Doom’s only Poll. Luckily, I voted there!
Playful: If so, how do we have no votes?!
Bagels: Because I voted for Master, silly!
…
Playful: Kill her.
Bagels: Ya gotta catch me first!
Bagels starts to run off to Lemmy’s Polls.
Playful: She knows I can’t run, too!
Bowser: TAXI!
Screech!
Driver: Y-y-yes?
Wart: Follow that mutt, ribbit!
Driver: W-w-w-well that’s against p-p-poli-
Playful: Do so or die.
Driver: F-f-fine. Man, I’m gonna get fired for this!
Playful: What?
Driver: NOTHING!
>>Teams Talk and
Cute-5th and 6th at Route Marker #3<<
Susan: Oh great,
it’s you two.
Yoshi: It Team Talk, or as Yoshi thinks, Team, uh, Jerky Face!
Birdo: Good one, Yoshi!
…
Morton: *rip* We’re suppose to venture, head off to, say “Squadalah!” to-
Susan: Morton?
Morton: -Doom’s first poll.
Susan: Hey, I know that poll!
Birdo: Me too!
…
Yoshi and Morton: TAXI!
A bus arrives.
Susan: *sigh* Looks like we have to ride together…
>>Team Bean-7th
at Route Marker #3<<
Kolorado: *rip*
All right, we’re supposed to head to Doom’s only poll, sport. Any ideas?
Bowyer: About our race it has to be. For many months he has worked on it, nyah!
Kolorado: Quite. TAXI!
Screech!
Kolorado: Wondrous!
>>Teams What and
Kong<<
Daisy: Oh, there
you are!
Diddy: Yeah, I’m here. Any ideas on the next Route Marker?
Daisy: I heard Team Bean say it’s at Walrus Woes.
DK: Cool.
The King: .gniK ehT m’I
…
Diddy: How did he do that?
Daisy: Don’t ask. TAXI!
Screech!
Diddy: To Walrus Woes!
Varoom!
>>Team Cream<<
Koopa: Zzzzzzz…
“Procedit”…
Toad: Pass.
Peach: ARGH!
>>Teams Queen,
Steam, and Mario<<
Iggy: So… now
what?
Clawdia: I guess we should try getting out of last place, sweetie.
Luigi: Well, we could-a work together.
Roy: What could you do?
Luigi: Mario?
Mario: It’s-a me, Mario!
Screech!
Driver: What can I do for you, Mr. Mario?
…
Wendy: Wait a minute… I can’t even remember the clue to the next Route Marker!
Iggy: Wait another minute… What’s this thing in the back seat?
Driver: Oh, that? I ran into it a while ago. It looked worthless, so I decided to keep it as a collectable!
Mario: It’s a bird! It’s a plane!
Luigi: No, you idiot! It’s-a the Route Marker!
*12th, 13th, and Last at Route Marker #2*
Iggy: A Fun Fiction in Latin?! Easy! It’s Ludwig Can Be Good!
Luigi: Driver?
Driver: On it!
Varoom!
>>Team Fool<<
L33T: 4N07H3R
UPD473 H45 4RR1V3D! 1337 5P34K 15 N0W M0R3 4CCUR473!
Xananab: Just… come on already, fanana.
***
Xananab: So, you see see bo bee, we really need a taxi ride to… to…
L33T: W4LRU5 W035!
Xananab: What he said, fana.
Slightly-Normal Manager: Well, all I can provide you with is a couple of unicycles. Will that do?
L33T: 5UR3!
L33T goes to take the unicycles, then leaves. Xananab begins to follow, but the manager stops him.
Slightly-Normal Manager: I think you’ll want this.
The Manager gives Xananab what appears to be a pair of shades.
Xananab: Um… I don’t wanna look like Roy Roy bo Boy.
Slightly-Normal Manager: What if I told you these shades could translate 1337 5P34K?
Xananab takes the shades at the wink of an eye, then leaves.
Slightly-Normal Manager: Heh, thought so.
>>Team Cruel<<
Dark Koopa: Here
we are! Deadly Disaster!
Hooktail: Thanks!
Team Cruel steps on the mat.
Lemmy: MMPH! MMMMPH!
Gloomtail: My apologies.
Gloomtail raises his foot, allowing Lemmy to breathe.
Lemmy: Sheesh, I thought I was a goner for a moment there!
Gloomtail: Again, my apologies.
Lemmy: You’re forgiven. Anyway, you’re the third team to arrive.
***TEAM CRUEL - THIRD PLACE - 5:45 PM***
Gloomtail: That’ll do… for now…
>>Teams Dream
and Mean-3rd and 4th at Junction<<
Bagels: Runningrunningrunningrunningrunning…
Playful: I hate my partner.
Wart: Well, she got us, ribbit, to the Junction. I suppose we, ribbit, should be grateful.
Bowser: NO!
Wart: Ribbit, just thought I’d say.
Playful: Either way, though, what’s the Junction?
Wart: *rip* Fly or Guy, ribbit.
Bagels: Fly!
Playful: No, Guy.
Bagels: Awwww…
Bowser: IF YOU’RE DOING GUY, WE’RE DOING FLY!
Wart: But we can’t fly, ribbit.
Bowser: DARN IT!
***
Bagels: Soooo…
Anyone see the blue Shy Guy?
…
Playful: This is useless, I’m just going to start terrorizing them.
One Beating Later…
Wart: Wow, even I didn’t know Shy Guys use baseball bats, ribbit.
Playful: Now you tell me…
>>Teams Cute and
Jerky Face- er, Talk-5th and 6th at Junction<<
Yoshi: HA! You
guys called Jerky Face by author!
Susan: This isn’t funny.
Morton: *rip* We must choose between Fly and Guy, Levitate and Male, Propel Upward and Boy, Defy Gravity an- OOF!
Birdo: He’s done.
Susan: THAT’S IT! Morton, we’re doing Guy!
Yoshi: And we doing Fly!
Susan: Goo- Hey, it’s Teams Dream and Mean!
Playful: I hate this race…
>>Team Bean-7th
at Junction<<
Bowyer: Between
Fly or Guy it is.
Kolorado: We can’t fly, so let’s do Guy, sport.
Bowyer: Correct you are, nyah!
***
Kolorado: ‘Ello, old beans!
Bowser: ANOTHER TEAM?! ROAR!
>>Teams What and
Kong-8th and 9th at Route Marker #3<<
Daisy: *rip*
To the polls!
Diddy: Taxi!
Screech!
Daisy: To Doom’s Poll, if you please.
Varoom!
>>Team Fool-10th
at Route Marker #3<<
Xananab: Doom’s
only Poll Poll bo Boll?
L33T: 74X1!
Screech!
L33T: F0LL0W 7H3 74X1 W17H 7H3 4P35!
Driver: Wha-
Xananab: Follow that taxi… nana.
Driver: Oh.
Varoom!
>>Team Cream<<
Koopa: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Toad: Uh… I guess we bored him to sleep.
Peach: Doesn’t matter. Just get the clue!
Toad: Fine.
Toad snatches a clue without any troubles, then Team Cream leaves.
Toad: *rip* Uh… You don’t happen to know of an alphabetically-last Mystery would you?
Peach: Toad?
Toad: Yeah?
Peach: You’re an idiot.
Toad: OK!
>>Teams Queen, Steam, and Mario-12th, 13th, and Last at Whomp Stop<<
Koopa: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Iggy: Hey, he’s asleep.
Clawdia: Should we wake him?
Roy (holding 3 clues): Nah, we got what we came for.
Iggy: I agree!
…
Iggy: Sorry.
Outside the Whomp Stop…
Wendy: An alphabetically-last mystery?
Luigi: I think it’s-a Walrus Woes.
Mario: I’m-a Mario.
Driver: Right away, Mr. Mario.
Varoom!
>>Team Cute<<
Birdo: So… how’re
we suppose to get across this gap?
Yoshi: Birdo ride Yoshi, Yoshi give extra effort.
Birdo: You think it’ll work?
Yoshi: It better.
Birdo gets atop Yoshi.
Yoshi: Let go.
Yoshi runs as fast as he can, then jumps up, then gives the effort. In the end-
Birdo: We made it!
Yoshi: *rip* Yay, we go to Doom’s first submission!
Birdo: Deadly Disaster!
…
Birdo: Wart told me about it.
Yoshi: Wow!
Screech!
Birdo: To Lemmy’s Mysteries Again!
Varoom!
>>Teams What,
Kong, and Fool-8th, 9th, and 10th at Junction<<
Diddy: Fly or
Guy?
Daisy: Well, seeing as none of us can fly, and everyone’s crowding around Guy, Guy is probably the better choice.
L33T: 4GR33D!
***
Bowser: MORE TEAMS?!
Kolorado: It appears so, sport!
Bowser: SHUT UP, BRITISH PUNK!
Kolorado: Well, I say…
…
Bowyer: Very awkward this is, nyah!
…
Xananab: It appears you aren’t making any progress, fanana!
Morton: Yes, si, correct, indeed, absolu- OOF!
DK: Cool.
…
Daisy: Wait a minute… Aren’t Shy Guys from Sub-con?
Wart: Ribbit, yes.
Daisy: So… can’t you just command the Blue Shy Guy a clue?
Wart: Good point. Ribbit, GIVE US CLUES!
Blue Shy Guy: Um… Here you go, sirs, ma’ams, please don’t kill me!
…
Wart: You’re spared, ribbit.
Blue Shy Guy: Oh, thank you, thank you!
The Blue Shy Guy runs back into the mass of red ones.
Daisy: To the pitstop, which is at…
…
The King: H3Y, 1’M U51N6 1337 5P34K!
>>Teams Queen,
Steam, and Mario-11th, 12th, and 13th Route Marker #3<<
Iggy: Doom’s
only Poll? Good thing Lemmy categorizes them!
Mario: It’s-a Mario time!
Driver: Right away, Mr. Mario!
Varoom!
>>Team Cream<<
Toad: Oh wait,
Peach!
Peach: What?!
Toad: Well, it says right here on this map that we’re suppose to go to Walrus Woes.
Peach: Then let’s go!
Toad: OK!
Screech!
Peach: Lemmy’s Mysteries, NOW!
Varoom!
>>Team Cute<<
Screech!
Birdo: The Pitstop!
Team Cute walks onto the mat.
Lemmy: Team Cute… you’re the fourth team to arrive.
***TEAM CUTE - FOURTH PLACE - 6:22 PM***
Yoshi: Wow!
Birdo: Now we can eat!
Yoshi: Yoshi!
>>Teams Dream,
Mean, Talk, Bean, What, Kong, and Fool<<
Daisy: Doesn’t
anyone
know where the pitstop is?
…
Shy Guy: Um… Not that any of you’ll care, but I remember Lemmy had a huge mat in-
Wart: Deadly Disaster, one of my favorite, ribbit, Mysteries!
Diddy: Well, then, I guess it’s time to race!
Bagels: Taxi!
Screech!
Bowser: TAXI!
Screech!
Susan: Taxi!
Kolorado: Taxi!
Daisy: Taxi!
Screech! Screech! Screech!
Diddy: Taxi!
Screech!
L33T: 74X1!
…
Xananab: Taxi taxi bo baxi!
Screech! Varoom!
>>Teams Queen,
Steam, and Mario-11th, 12th, and 13th at Junction<<
Wendy: *rip*
Fly or Guy?
Mario: Wall-a!
Luigi: No-a!
…
Mario: Fling?
Luigi facepalms.
Roy: Well, since I am the Prince of Sky Land, we’re doin’ Fly.
Clawdia: To prevent injuries, we’ll join you.
Wendy: We’ll what?
Iggy: I’m acrophobic!
Roy: Stop soundin’ like a bunch of Waluigis and join me!
The four Koopas head over to Fly.
Luigi: Well, I’m-a doing Guy!
Mario: Wahoo!
Luigi: Wrong way-a, moron!
>>Team Cream-Last
at Route Marker #3<<
Toad: *rip* Ok,
next, we’re going to Doom’s only Poll!
Peach: Get me a taxi.
Toad: Can’t you just do i-
Peach: Now.
Toad: TAXI!
Screech!
Peach: To Lemmy’s Polls!
Varoom!
>>Team Dream<<
Screech!
Driver: All right, get out.
Playful: Well, at least the Pitstop’s here…
Bagels: Let’s run!
Playful: Let’s not.
Bagels: Darn.
One walk later…
Lemmy: Team Dream… you’re the fifth team to arrive.
***TEAM DREAM - FIFTH PLACE - 6:40 PM***
Bagels: Yay!
Playful: If it weren’t for Bowser holding us back, we would’ve been here earlier…
Bagels: Speaking of which, I hope he’s okay…
>>Team Talk<<
Susan: The Pitstop!
Team Talk walks onto the mat.
Lemmy: Team Talk, or, as I want to call you, Team Jerky Face… you’re the sixth team to arrive.
***TEAM JERKY FACE - SIXTH PLACE - 6:45 PM***
Susan: I’ve always hated running gags.
Morton: Indeed, correct, I agree, coincide with your belief, think similar to you, the same thing, the-
>>Team Kong<<
Diddy: We made
it!
Lemmy: Team Kong… you’re the seventh team to arrive.
***TEAM KONG - SEVENTH PLACE - 6:52 PM***
DK: Okay! Cool!
Diddy: AWESOME!
>>Team Bean<<
Kolorado: We did it, sport!
Bowyer: Forever it felt like, nyah!
Lemmy: Team Bean… you’re the eighth team to arrive!
***TEAM BEAN - EIGHTH PLACE – 7:00 PM***
Bowyer: Still in the race we are!
Kolorado: And we’re not the underdogs, either, old bean!
>>Teams Queen
and Steam<<
We see Roy tossing
Clawdia, Iggy, and Wendy across the gap.
Roy: Now if only I could do that to myself…
Wendy: Wait, here’s a rope!
Roy: Well? Toss it over!
Wendy: What if I refuse?
Clawdia: Then you’ll be punished for hurting your brother’s feelings.
…
Iggy: Am I really that emotional?
All of Plit: Yes.
Iggy: Oh.
Wendy tosses one end of the rope to Roy, who grips the other. Roy swings to the other side, Tarzan-style.
Roy: AAAAAAAAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Splat!
Iggy: *rip* To Deadly Disaster!
Wendy: TAXI!
>>Team Cream-Last
at Junction<<
Peach: Guy.
Toad: But can’t we just float across the gap in Fly?
Peach: We could… but I feel lazy.
Toad: Grrrrr…
***
Peach: Hey, Marios, could you hurry it up a bit?
Luigi: For-a you? No!
Peach: Well, it’s not like you’re making any progress!
Luigi: If you were to-a help, then maybe progress would-a be made!
Peach: Toad, help them.
Toad: Bu-
Peach: Help them.
Toad: OK!
Toad jumps into the pen, which at this point looks like a glob of Red Shy Guys consuming the Bros.
>>Team Mean<<
Bowser: WE MADE
IT!
Wart: Let’s just hope we’re not, ribbit, too late.
Lemmy: Dad, Uncle… you’re the ninth team to arrive.
***TEAM MEAN - NINTH PLACE - 7:14 PM***
Bowser: WOOHOO!
Wart: Ribbit, we’re still in this!
>>Team What<<
Screech!
Daisy: Wait, why’re we stopping?
Driver: Your friend left the taxi.
The King: WEEEEEEEE! To the Madlibs!
>>Team Fool<<
L33T: H3Y, W3
M4D3 17!
Xananab: Maybe we won’t be eliminated after all, fana!
Team Fool steps on the mat.
Lemmy: Alien, troller-
L33T: N00B!
Lemmy: … You’re team number ten.
***TEAM FOOL - TENTH PLACE - 7:19 PM***
Xananab: We’re still in this this bo bis, fanana!
L33T: 4ND W3 B347 50M3 734M5, 2!
>>Teams Queen
and Steam<<
Screech!
Wendy: We’re here!
Roy: Outta my way!
Ka-Shove!
Wendy: HEY!
Iggy: Wait for me!
Iggy steps on the mat, just behind Roy.
Lemmy: Bros… you’re the eleventh team to arrive!
***TEAM STEAM - ELEVENTH PLACE - 7:27 PM***
Roy: Stupid Team Scheme…
Iggy: I agree!
Roy eyes Iggy.
Iggy: Er, uh, yeah!
Clawdia: Don’t forget about us, sweetie!
Team Queen dashes onto the mat.
Lemmy: Mom, Wendy… you’re team number twelve!
***TEAM QUEEN – TWELFTH PLACE – 7:28 PM***
Wendy: I don’t like twelfth place!
Clawdia: Don’t worry. We’ll be better next leg!
>>Teams Mario
and Cream-Junction Completed<<
Luigi: To-a Walrus
Woes!
Mario: I’m-a Mario!
Screech!
Luigi: Let’s-a go!
Driver: Right away, Mr. Mario’s Brother!
Varoom!
Peach: Toad, get a taxi!
Toad: OK!
Screech!
Peach: Lemmy’s Mysteries, and STEP ON IT!
Driver: I don’t like your attitude!
Toad: Please?
Varoom!
>>Team What<<
Daisy: All right,
he’s in the taxi! Now, GO!
Varoom!
>>Team Mario<<
Screech!
Luigi: C’mon-a, Mario! We’re-a almost there!
Mario: Zzz…
Luigi: Grr…
Luigi picks up Mario, and carries him over to the pitstop.
Lemmy: Luigi.
Luigi: Lemmy.
Lemmy: Mario.
Mario: Zzz…
Lemmy: You’re the thirteenth team to arrive!
***TEAM MARIO – THIRTEENTH PLACE – 7:37 PM***
>>Team Cream<<
Peach: Can’t
you go any faster?!
Driver: If you were nice, I would!
>>Team What<<
Daisy: The pitstop!
The King: KITTY!
Playful: MEOW!
The King chases Playful onto the mat. Daisy quickly follows.
Lemmy: Team What… you’re team number fourteen!
***TEAM WHAT – FOURTEENTH PLACE – 7:42***
Daisy: Yay!
The King: What?
>>Team Cream<<
Screech!
Peach: FINALLY!
Peach and Toad walk into the pitstop, only to hear a really sad song and see an unhappy Lemmy.
Toad: Uh oh.
Team Cream slowly walks onto the mat.
Lemmy: Peach, Toad… you’re the last team to arrive, making you the first team to be eliminated from my AWESOME RACE.
***TEAM CREAM - ELIMINATED***
Peach: Toad, this all your fault!
Toad: Y’know what? NOKAY!
Lemmy, Peach, and other 28 Racers: WHAT?!
Toad: That’s right! I’ve had it with you! For years now you’ve subordinated me just to make yourself feel good! You put me through one useless task after another, all due to your own laziness! AND you brainwashed me, just to win a million coins, when you already have billions!
Peach: Wait, you knew about it?
Toad: Yeah, cuz it didn’t work!
Mario: Mamamia!
Toad: Yeah, so I began to plot revenge! I decided to look like an idiot to fool you, then I called upon Kamek to take you away! Then at the Whomp Stop, I decided to act as if I didn’t know Latin! Well, guess what?! Metus artificiose deformant te omnibus diebus! Then, when you weren’t looking, I paid that last taxi driver, with coins I stole off of you, to go slow, to ensure our loss!
Peach: Wait, how much?
***
Driver: WEEEEE! I’m a millionaire!
***
Peach: WHAT?!
Lemmy: Is it just me, or should Toad be in a Monty Mole story?
Everyone, even the flabbergasted Peach, raises their hands.
Lemmy: Now, before we go, what teams are you rooting for, now?
Peach: Team What, I suppose. I mean, they are family!
Lemmy: Toad?
Toad: Team Mean, so they can use the money to keep Peach captive… PERMANENTLY!
…
Wart: That’s, ribbit, the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to us!
…
Lemmy: Well, that’s it for this leg! Stay tuned… for the rest! I’m Lemmy-
Doom: And I’m Doom!
Lemmy: -signing off!
Toad: MWAHAHAHA!
…
Toad: What? I
need to get an evil laugh sometime!
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Place |
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3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
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10 |
11 |
12 |
13 |
| Cheat: Wario & Waluigi |
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| Scheme: Ludwig & Larry |
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| Cruel: Gloomtail & Hooktail |
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| Cute: Yoshi & Birdo |
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| Dream: Playful & Bagels |
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| Talk: Morton & Susan |
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| Kong: DK and Diddy |
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| Bean: Kolorado & Bowyer |
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| Mean: Bowser & Wart |
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| Fool: Xananab & L33t Br0 |
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| Steam: Roy & Iggy |
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| Queen: Clawdia & Wendy |
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| Mario: Mario & Luigi |
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| What: The King & Daisy |
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| Cream: Peach & Toad |
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Read
on!
Vote
in Lemmy's Polls for who should survive the next elimination!
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