By Doom

LEG TWO, Part 1

Lemmy: Last time, on my AWESOME RACE, fifteen teams embarked on a journey of epic proportions. Yet, due to a bossy princess and a maniacal Toad, Team Cream was eliminated. Fourteen teams remain on this gruesome quest for one million coins, after they rested up at Deadly Disaster, Doom’s first submission, for a mandatory twelve hours. Here, they also ate, drank, and talked about their challenges in the first leg (most of which were their partners). Team Cheat, who arrived first via Magic Lamp at 5:01 PM, will depart first at 5:01 AM.

>>Team Cheat-5:01 AM<<
Wario: So, you-a ready, Bro?

Waluigi: WAAAAAAH!

Wario: *sigh* Of course-a not.

Waluigi: I’m AFRAID OUT OF MY MIND to ask, but what SPOOKY and EERIE place are we going to now?!

Wario: Good question… *rip*… To-a Susan’s Koopa Trading Card Game.

Lemmy: Teams must head to Susan’s Koopa Trading Card Game, or KTCG for short. Once there, they must buy the only Fire-Type Promo Card, which is Tutankoopa. Attached to these rare cards are clues. Teams will also get 700 coins for this leg.

Wario: WAHAHAHAHAHA! How-a great!


Wario: Of course it-a is. TAXI!


Wario: Let’s-a go!



>>Team Scheme-5:23 AM<<
Larry: So, where to now, Ludwig?

Ludwig: Well, most-youthful Koopaling, it appears we must make way to… *rip*…

Larry: Ludwig?

Larry: Okay, it can’t be that bad!


Larry: Okay, we’re going to… SUSAN’S?!

Larry faints from exhaustion, while Ludwig just stands there, stunned.

>>Team Cheat<<

Wario: Here-a we are!


Wario: Good. You-a stay here, I’ll-a get the clue.

Waluigi: NOT THE CLUE!

Wario: SHUT IT!

Wario walks into Susan’s Card Emporium.

Koopa Kashier: Hello, sir. Looking for anything in particular?

Wario: Actually, yes. I’m-a looking for a Tutankoopa card. Any ideas where they might-a be?

Kashier: Well, I have one right here… but it’s on reserve.

Wario: Dang it! Any chance I-a could stea- er, get it?

Kashier: Unless you’re a certain Larry Koopa, no.

Wario: Dang it!

Kashier: Lucky for you, though, there’s the last card in stock a few aisles down from here.

Wario: Good.

Wario follows the cashier’s directions, and finds the clue.

Wario: I-a got it!

*1st at Route Marker #1*

Wario runs out of the store.

Kashier: Stop, thief!

Wario: WAHAHAHAHAHA! I’m-a gonna win!

Kashier: GUARDS!

Two Sledge Brothers land directly in front of Wario, who charges through them with ease.

Wario: Have a rotten day!

Once outside…

Wario: Hey, Bro.


Wario: In your-a world, of course it-a is.

Waluigi: NOT MY WORLD!

Wario: *sigh* Anyways, our-a next stop is… Lemmy’s Review of the-a game Tutankoopa was in-a!

Lemmy: To reach their next Route Marker, teams must make way to my Game Review of Paper Mario, the only game Tutankoopa appeared in.

Wario: Easy! Paper-a Mario!


Wario: Taxi!


Wario: I’m-a gonna win!


>>Team Scheme<<
Ludwig: Um… Sibling?

Larry: Y-y-yeah?

Ludwig: I believe I have a solution for our endeavor.

Larry: Which is…?

Ludwig: This.


Larry: A Hippie disguise?!

Ludwig: First, they were the only ones on stock. Two, I thought this’d provide the greatest quantity of laughter to our audiences.

Ludwig gestures Larry to the camera.

Ludwig: Now, I believe we shall make our way to the dilemma that’s upon us.

Larry: *sigh* Taxi!


Driver: So, *giggle*, where *chuckle* to?

Larry: Susan’s Card Emporium.

Driver: Good. BWAHAHAHA! Man, don’t you just love a good laugh?

Larry: Not when it’s on me.


>>Team Cruel-5:45 AM<<
Hooktail: So, where to?

Gloomtail: *rip*… Susan’s Card Emporium.

Hooktail: Cool!

The two dragons take flight.

>>Team Cheat-1st at Junction<<

Wario: Hey, it’s-a the Junction!

Waluigi: NOOOOO-

Wario places some duct tape on Waluigi, then places the roll back in his overalls.

Wario: Who said-a convenient stores aren’t convenient-a?


Wario: Now, this-a Junction is… *rip*… Tower or Scour.

Lemmy: A Junction is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. In this leg, teams must go for either Tower or Scour. In Tower, teams must travel by foot from here, Dry Dry Desert, to the Koopa Bros’ Fortress, where they must climb to the top for their next clue. It’s much less torturous, but if you lack stamina, this could be quite a situation. In Scour, teams must find Tutankoopa’s Pyramid, and dig in the Big Red “X” next to it for the clue. This takes less work to find, but if you hate the heat or have claustrophobia, this’ll be very hard for you.

Wario: I don’t like running… so let’s-a do Scour!

Waluigi: MMMMMPH!

>>Team Scheme<<

Larry: So, what’s the plan?

Ludwig: I will enter this deathtrap and find us a clue, while you, dear sibling, shall wait for my arrival. Also, be sure to lack suspicion.

Larry: All right.

Ludwig arrogantly walks into the store.

Kashier: Hello, sir.

Ludwig: Bonjour.

Kashier: Can I get you anything?

Ludwig: If you were to possess a Tutankoopa card, it would be most appreciated.

Kashier: I’m sorry, we just ran out of those.

Ludwig: Really? I believe I see one left upon your desk, labeled “To Larry Koopa”.

Kashier: Yeah, know him?

Ludwig: He’s my sibling!

Kashier: Oh, well, in that case, here!

Ludwig reaches to grab the clue.

*2nd at Route Marker #1*

Ludwig: Thank you, miss.

Kashier: Anytime.

Ludwig runs out of the store.

Larry: Did you get it?

Ludwig: Indeed.

Larry: Taxi!


Ludwig: To… *rip*… Lemmy’s Review of Paper Mario!


>>Team Cruel<<
The two dragons land close to the emporium.

Gloomtail: Now, the clue.

Gloomtail uses his massive foot to crush the emporium.

Hooktail: And that’ll help us how?!

Kashier: *cough* The next *hack* truckload of Tutankoopa *wheeze* Cards will be *snort* here in an hour.

The Kashier faints.

Gloomtail: See?

>>Team Cute-6:22 AM<<
Birdo: Well, our next stop is… Susan’s Card Emporium!

Yoshi: Wow!


Birdo: You’re the best, Yoshi!

Yoshi: What Birdo mean?


>>Team Dream-6:40 AM<<
Playful: Finally! I thought we’d never leave!

Bagels: What’re you talking about? Deadly Disaster is fun!

Playful: In your world, anything is fun.

Bagels: Exactly!

Playful: *sigh*

Bagels: Well, *rip*, I guess we’re going to…


Playful: ... Susan’s section?!

Bagels: Yay, runni-

Playful glares cruelly at Bagels.

Bagels: Er… Yay, riding!

Playful: Good. Taxi!


Driver: How many times do I have to tell ya?! Pets aren’t allowed!

Bagels: What if I gave you 500 coins?

Driver: Deal!

Bagels hands the coins to the driver.

Playful: But that’s almost all of our coins!

Bagels: Uh oh.

Playful: MREOW!

Playful proceeds to maul Bagels relentlessly.

Driver: I love this, money and a show!

>>Team Talk-6:45 AM<<
Susan: Well, it appears we’re going to… *rip*… my section!

Morton: Great, wondrous, kooptacular, and, furthermore, extraodinar-

Susan raises an eyebrow at Morton.

Morton: -y.

Susan: Taxi!


Susan: To my Trading Card Game!


>>Teams Cruel, Cute, and Talk<<

Susan: Why’re you guys just standing around?

Yoshi: Teams waiting for cards, Jerky Faces.

*Insert Laugh Track Here*

Gloomtail: I must say, that gag will never get old.

Morton: I disagree, refute your claim, and, furthermore, speak against your opinion. This gag, joke, and funny adds no structure, foundation, and base for this race, mad dash, and sorry excuse for a TV show, making it pointless, meaningless, and worthless.

Hooktail: Like you?

Morton: ARGH!

Birdo: They’re here!

The other five whirl around, to see Birdo pointing at a truckload of “Koopa Kards”.

Delivery Boy: One truckload of Koopa Kards, sign here.

Susan does so.

Susan: Now, all of you give me 275 coins each, and you can have a card.

Gloomtail: Gloooooooomtaaaaaail… PUNCH!


Susan: My truck!

Yoshi: Yoshi got a card!

*3rd at Route Marker #1*

Hooktail: So do we!

*4th at Route Marker #1*

Morton: GuesswhatIgotguesswhatIgotguesswhatIgot…

Susan: A card?


Susan: *sigh*

Susan bends down, and picks up a fallen Tutankoopa Card.

*5th at Route Marker #1*

Susan: So, how’d you get it?

Morton points to a nearby tent, with Booster and Valentina’s names posted in large letters.

Susan: Oh.

Birdo: Yoshi?

Yoshi: Wow!


Susan: Oh yeah, the race!

Gloomtail: Speaking of which, let us fly!

Hooktail: To?

Gloomtail: *rip*… The Paper Mario Review!

Morton: Taxi!


Susan: To the Paper Mario Review!


>>Team Cheat<<

We see Team Cheat stuck in the middle of the desert.

Wario: Stupid sandstorm-a!



Wario: You mean my-a duct tape was-a stolen! Stupid-a Bandit!

Bandit: Hee hee hee hee!

>>Team Scheme-2nd at Junction<<


Larry: *rip* Tower or Scour?

Ludwig: Lucky for you, last Friday was Vintage Game Night, as inspired by the Big Bang Theory. Therefore, Lemmy, Iggy, Junior, and I indulged ourselves in Paper Mario. With Morton’s desert know-how within our genes, I was able to calculate the precise route with ease!

Larry: Then Scour it is!


Larry: Are you sure this is the way to go?

Ludwig: Most certainly.

??? #1: Gimme!

??? #2: Never!


Larry: Is that…

Ludwig: Indeed, they’re…

Waluigi: KOOPAS?!

Waluigi faints.

Ludwig: I must say, this is a rather awkward reunion.

We see Ludwig and Larry producing Anime-styled sweatdrops, as Wario and Bandit engage in a sissy-fight over the now-shriveled duct tape.

Ludwig: I… propose that we proceed without recognition of these recent events.

Larry: Totally.

Team Scheme walks passed the still-awkward Team Cheat.

>>Team Cruel-3rd at Junction<<
Hooktail: Today’s Junction is… *rip*… Tower or Scour!

Gloomtail: Tower.

Hooktail: Shall we fly?

Gloomtail: Hm… Let’s walk for a change!

Hooktail: Good idea!

A few massive footsteps later…

Hooktail: We’re here!

Gloomtail: It appears we must travel to the last Caption made by Koopa Girl.

Lemmy: Teams must make way to Caption Contest 388, the last one made by Koopa Girl before she *sniffle* retired. There, teams will find their next marker.

Gloomtail: Hm…

Hooktail: 388!

Hooktail: What? I love Caption Contests!

Gloomtail: Fair enough.

The two dragons, as one could predict, soar into the sky.

>>Team Cute-4th at Junction<<
Birdo: Tower or Scour, honey?

Yoshi: Mmmm… Honey…

Birdo: Yoshi?

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Yoshi: Uh… Yoshi choose Tower.

Birdo: All right!

Birdo hops onto Yoshi, who speeds off towards the fortress.

>>Team Talk-5th at Junction<<
Susan: Morton, I think it’s safe to say that we can do Scour.

Morton: Correct, right, not left, not up, not down, not diagonal, not even or-

Morton: Sorry.

Susan: Now, any idea on how to get to the burying site?

Morton: Hm…

Susan: (Wow, it’s so quiet when he’s thinking! I hope it lasts…)

Morton: Aha!

Susan: (Darn it!)

Morton: Tutankoopa is my main ally, friend, and right-hand Koopa, when it comes to trading, building, or destroying desert property. I’ll simply, easily, and, with ease, call him on speed dial.

Morton whips out his iPhone, and calls 800-916-6112

Tutankoopa: Have no fear, Next-Day Floors is he-

Morton: Shut it!

Susan: (How ironic!)

Morton: Now, where’s the second burying site for this leg of the race?!

Tutankoopa: It’s in Sector Weegee.

Team Talk: WEEGEE?!

Tutankoopa: Yes. Now, if you could be so kind, I have to sing a corny jingle in five.

Tutankoopa hangs up.

Susan: Um… Why is there a Sector Weegee?

Morton: Sector 1, Sector 2, Sector 2.99, Sector Weegee, Sector Bagel, Sector FALCON PAWNCH, and Sector OVER 9000! The counting numbers.

Susan: Um…

Morton: I’m just joking, kidding, playing. It’s just fun, exciting, and entertaining to annoy, torture, and destroy the last nerves of my workers!

Susan: And you don’t already?

Morton: Huh?

Susan: Never mind…

>>Team Dream<<
We see a banged-up Bagels, and a hair-ruffled Playful with no taxi.

Bagels: TAX-oof!

Playful: Shut it! It looks like we’re going to have to *gulp* run.

Bagels: Yay! Runningrunningrunningrunning…

Playful: Stupid race…

>>Team Kong-6:52 AM<<
Diddy: Another day, another leg!

DK: Cool!

Diddy: *rip* To Susan’s Card Emporium!

DK: Okay!

Diddy: Taxi!


Driver: No apes allowed!

Diddy: Then why’re you driving?

Buh-dum CHING!

Driver: Hey, that’s a good one. Free ride, on the house!

Diddy: A weird reaction, but… sure!

DK: Cool!


>>Team Bean-7:00 AM<<
Bowyer: In last we aren’t, nyah!

Kolorado: Right you are, old bean!

Bowyer: *rip* To an emporium we must go!

Kolorado: Taxi!


Kolorado: To *reads off of clue* Susan’s Card Emporium!

Bowyer: That I haven’t heard of!


>>Team Mean-7:14 AM<<

Wart: For now, ribbit!

Wart: *rip*… To, ribbit, the section of my daughter!



Driver: Oh dear…

>>Teams Kong, Bean, and Mean<<
Screech! Screech! Screech!

Kolorado: Hello, sports!

Diddy: Hi!

Bowser: CLUES!

DK: Cool!

Bowyer: Clues we must receive, nyah!

Wart: Ribbit, correct!

*6th, 7th, and 8th at Route Marker #1*

Diddy: *rip* Taxi!


Diddy: To the Review of…

Kolorado: Paper Mario, sport!


Diddy: No fair, he stole my taxi!

DK: Okay.


Lanky Kong (from within a clown car): Hop in!

Diddy: These rides get weirder and weirder!


Bowser: DRIVER!

Driver: R-r-right away, sir.


>>Team Fool-7:19 AM<<
Xananab: Let’s race race bo bace!

L33T: 2 7H3 3MP0R1UM!

Xananab: Uh… Wanna take my spacecraft, fana?

L33T: Y N07?!


Xananab: All right, I parked it out here somewhere… fanana…

L33T: 7H3R3!

L33T gestures Xananab to the craft, which has crashed into Deadly Disaster.

Xananab: I hate to say this this bo bis, but…

L33T: 74X1!


Driver (reading “1337 5P33K 4 N00BZ”): H0P 1N!


>>Team Steam-7:27 AM<<
Iggy: Time to race!

Roy: ‘Bout time!

Iggy: *rip* To the Emporium!

Roy: Taxi!


Pokey: Hi.

Iggy: Uh… Don’t you need hands to drive?

Roy: Don’t question Pokey, he’s awesome!

Pokey: Yeah.

Iggy: *sigh*


>>Team Queen-7:28 AM<<
Clawdia: Wendy?

Wendy: TAXI!

Screech! Screech! Oink! Screech!

Wendy: How about… this one!

Clawdia: Seems good to me!


>>Teams Fool, Steam, and Queen<<
Screech! Screech! Screech!

Xananab: We made it, fanana!

Roy: And we got to run over that flea-infested Team Dream!

Wendy: What luck!

Iggy: I agree!

Iggy: Sorry.

Clawdia: So, where’re the cards?

L33T: 1N51D3, N00B!

The six enter the store.

Kashier: Welcome! We just got done refilling our shelves with Tutankoopa cards, now on sale for 100 coins a pop.

Iggy: I want one!

Clawdia: As do I!

Xananab: As do I, fanana!

Kashier: Well, here you guys go!

*9th, 10th, and 11th at Route Marker #1*

Iggy: Great!

Once outside…

Iggy: Taxi!

Wendy: TAXI!

Xananab: Uh… Taxi… fana?

Screech! Screech! Screech!

Roy: Is it just me, or does she get louder and louder every time?

Iggy: It’s just you. She’s always like this!


>>Team Cruel-1st at Route Marker #2<<
Gloomtail: We’re here!

Hooktail: Wonderful!

Gloomtail: So, our next destination is…?

Hooktail: *rip* The most popular Gaming Board design!

Lemmy: Teams must now head to Paper Mario 3: Mystery of Bailerie Castle, the #1 Gaming Board Design, in order to find the next Route Marker.

Gloomtail: Easy, Paper Mario 3: Mystery of Bailerie Castle.

Gloomtail: Well, Axemblue4 did promise me to be an optional boss!

Hooktail: Makes sense!

The two dragons beat their wings, and travel yonder.

>>Team Scheme<<
Ludwig: I believe our destination is right around here.

Larry: Found it!

Ludwig: Good work, sibling!

Larry: So, shall we get digging?

Ludwig: Or…

Larry: Or…?

Ludwig (pulling a jackhammer out of his shell): We could make some real progress!


Ludwig: Woahohohawhoahow!

>>Team Cheat<<
Wario: All right, take-a this!



Bandit faints.



Wario: Come, Brother!


Wario: I’ll dedicate eternal loyalty to-a it.


Wario: So is being alone in-a the desert. Take-a your pick!


Wario: *sigh*

>>Team Cute<<
Yoshi: Yoshi tired… and hungry!

Birdo: I know, Yosh, but you only have… 15 feet to travel!

Yoshi: Nooooooooo…!

Birdo: *sigh* I guess I’ll carry you!

Yoshi: Yoshi!

>>Team Talk<<
Morton: Now left, now right, right, left, left, right, left, backwards, left, wait, no, right, left…

Susan: This’ll take a while…

>>Team Bean-6th at Junction<<
Bowyer: Either Tower or Scour we must choose, nyah!

Kolorado: Well, isn’t it obvious, old bean?

Bowyer: A good point you have, Scour we shall do!


Bowyer: Too hot this is!

Kolorado: Indeed!

Kolorado: I believe this is the route, sport!

Bowyer: Right I hope you are!

>>Team Kong-7th at Junction<<
Diddy: Tower or Scour… Hm…

DK: Okay!

DK tosses Diddy towards Tower.

DK: Cool!

>>Team Mean-8th at Junction<<
Bowser: TOWER!

Wart: Uh… Sure, ribbit.

Bowser charges himself to the Fortress. Wart quickly (by his standards, anyway) follows.

>>Team Steam-9th at Junction<<
Iggy: I’ve been playing Paper Mario, so let’s Scour!

Roy: Well, I hate deserts, so let’s do Tower!

Iggy: Scour!

Roy: Tower!

Iggy (pulling out his wand): Scour!

Roy (raising his fist): Tower!

Iggy begins to grow exponentially.


Roy: Um… Tower?

Iggy: Y’know what?

Roy: What?

Iggy: Let’s do Tower!

The still-giant Iggy scoops up Roy, and travels to the marker in a matter of minutes.

Iggy: We’re here!

Roy: And our next location is… *rip* Koopa Girl’s last Caption Contest?! Iggy, you’re the girl of this team! Figure it out!

Iggy: I’m still giant, you know.

Roy: Eep!

Iggy: But… I’ll spare you.

Roy: Phew.

Iggy: Now, let’s ask some tourists!


Iggy: Hey, do you know of Koopa Girl’s last Caption Contest?

abcd: OMG, it’s Iggy!

Iggy: Yeah, so.-

abcd: 388.

Iggy: Thanks!

abcd leaves.

Iggy: Well, let’s go!

Iggy goes to scoop up Roy again, when Lemmy rolls over.

Iggy: Hey, Bro!

Roy: ‘Sup.

Lemmy: I’m sorry to say this, twin… but you have to shrink yourself back down.

Iggy: Why?

Lemmy: Being huge is Team Cruel’s shtick.

Iggy: Oh.

Lemmy: Good day!

Lemmy leaves.

Iggy (pulling out his wand): *sigh*

Iggy shrinks himself back down.

Roy: Taxi!


Iggy: To Caption Contest 388!


>>Team Queen-10th at Junction<<

Driver: Get out!


 Wendy: Well, that was rude!

Clawdia: Definitely!

Wendy: Hey, the Junction!

Clawdia: *rip* Tower or Scour?

Wendy: Neither!

Clawdia: Now, you know that’s not an option.


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