By Doom

LEG TWO, Part 2

>>Team Fool-11th at Junction<<
L33T: 70W3R 0R 5C0UR?!

Xananab: Well, neither of us are good runner runner bo bunners, so let’s do Scour, fanana.


L33T: WH47 W45 7H47?!

Xananab: I don’t know, fana!


L33T: D0WNL04D1NG…

Xananab: Downloading what, nana?

L33T: D0WNL04D1NG…

Xananab: What are you talking talking bo balking about?!

L33T: D0WNL04D C0MPL373!

L33T: 1 D0WNL04D3D 4 G4M3 GU1D3!

Xananab: Oh!

>>Team Dream<<
We see Bagels with a run-over Playful.

Bagels: Buddy… are you okay?

Playful: Don’t *wheeze* call me buddy!

Bagels: Team Steam sure didn’t know where they were going!

Playful: Trust me, they *hack* did!

Bagels: Well, let me at least carry you to the nearest hospital!


Bagels: So, Doc, how’s Playful?

Metal Dr. Mario: Not good. We’ll have to keep him under surveillance for 24 hours.

Bagels: Well, we’re in a race, so could we hurry it up?

MDM: Sorry, ma’am, but that won’t suffice.

Bagels: Oh.

MDM: If it makes you feel better, though, I’ll give you a doctor’s note.

Bagels: Yeah, but Lemmy’s kinda strict when it comes to his Land.

MDM: In that case, take this to him.

Bagels: What is it?

MDM: It’s for you to not know, and for him to find out.

Bagels: ?

MDM: Now, go!

MDM: Seriously, my shift is over.

MDM (removing lab coat): Let’s-a play golf!

>>Team Mario-7:37 AM<<
Mario: I’m-a Mario!

Luigi: Don’t-a remind m-


Luigi: -e…

Mario: To Pa-

Luigi: Susan’s Card-a Emporium!

Driver: Aye Aye!


>>Team What-7:42 AM<<
Daisy: Last place… *sigh*

The King: I’m The King!

Daisy: Don’t remind me!

Daisy: TAXI!


Daisy: To the Card Emporium!


>>Teams Mario and What<<
Screech! Screech!

Luigi: Hey, Daisy!

Daisy: Hi, now let’s get the clues… NOW!

The four enter the store (heh, I made a funny).

Kashier: Oh no, it’s Mario! Security!

Luigi: All we need are-a cards, though!

Kashier: Tutankoopa? Here!

*12th and 13th at Route Marker #1*

Daisy: Thanks… I guess…

Kashier: Good, now get out!

Once outside…

Daisy: Taxi!


Luigi: To… *rip*… the Paper-a Mario Review!

Mario: I’m-a Mario!


>>Team Cruel-1st at Whomp Stop<<
Hooktail: Ah, I love the smell of gold!

Gloomtail: As do I, for we’ll be getting much of it after this race!

Hooktail: Hey, look, a Whomp Stop!

Lemmy: A Whomp Stop is a task that only one member may perform. Today’s is based on the 2011 Nintendo 3DS Game of the Year, Super Mario 3D Land! One member must jump over a total of 100 Para-Biddybuds, in order to reach the other side of this conveniently-placed broken bridge. On the other side, they’ll find their next clue!

Hooktail: This member must be good with jumps.

Gloomtail: Well, seeing that you get fussy around bugs-


Gloomtail: -I’ll do it.

Gloomtail steps over the bridge, crushing the Para-Biddybuds in the process.

Gloomtail: *rip* It looks like our destination is at… Lemmy’s Chat Room!

Lemmy: Teams must go to my now-obsolete Chat Room. There, they’ll fine their next clue.

Hooktail: I think that’s around the corner from here!

Gloomtail: Then let’s go!

>>Team Steam-2nd at Route Marker #2<<
Roy: *rip* A Drawing Board Creation?!

Iggy: Paper Mario 3: Mystery of Bailerie Castle!

Roy: You have no life.

Iggy: I know.

Roy: Taxi!


Iggy: We are on a roll!


>>Team Scheme<<

Larry: What was that “ding”?

Ludwig: The finding of treasure.

Larry: Oh boy, what’s in it?

Ludwig: Sadly, only clues.

Larry: Aw…

Ludwig: Now, our next destination is at… the last Caption by Koopa Girl.

Larry: Hm…

Ludwig: Hm…

>>Team Cheat<<

Wario: Y’know what? Take-a this!


Waluigi: …

Wario: Good!

Wario just so happens to carry the unconscious Waluigi to the place where Team Scheme is thinking.

Wario: Um… hello?

Wario: Hey, look, clues!

Wario nabs a clue from the chest.

Wario: WAHAHA!

Larry: Hm… WARIO?!

Wario: Sorry, but we need-a to head off to… *rip*… Contest 388! Ciao!

Wario’s bike comes out of nowhere, and the cheaters takeoff.

Larry: Not if I have anything to say about it!

Larry: Takes a grapple from his shell, and grapples the rudder.

Ludwig: Wondrous, sibling!

Larry: Hey, we can cheat, too!

>>Team Cute<<
Birdo: All right, only half the castle left to travel!

Yoshi (drinking a juice box on Birdo’s back): Yoshi!

>>Team Talk<<
Morton: …left, right, right, forward, left, right, right, here!

Morton picks up a clue.

Susan: Good job, Morty!

Susan: *sigh* -ton!

Morton: Now let’s go, travel, venture to *rip* Koopa Girl’s last Con-

Susan: 388!

Morton: Great, good, wonderful, spectacular, extraordinary, and-

Susan: Taxi!


Susan: To Caption Contest 388, please!


>>Team Bean<<
Kolorado: Bowyer?

Bowyer: Lost are you?

Kolorado: I’m afraid so, sport.

Bowyer: Well, a team over there there is!

Kolorado: Good work, old bean!

>>Team Fool<<
L33T: 4ND W3’R3 4LM057 7H3R3!

Xananab: Good good bo bood, fanana!

Kolorado: Good day, teapots!

Bowyer: A good conversation-starter that isn’t, nyah!

L33T: H3LL0!

Kolorado: What would you say to the four of us traveling together?

Xananab: Uh… Sure sure bo bure?

Kolorado: Wonderful!

>>Teams Kong and Mean<<

We see Bowser surge by the pair of Kongs, while a panting Wart clumsily follows.

Diddy: They’re getting ahead of us!

DK: Nokay!

DK raises the tired Diddy atop his shoulders, and proceeds to dash with all his might.

>>Team Queen<<
Clawdia: Are… you okay, sweetie?

Wendy: *sniffle* I think so…

Clawdia: Good. Now, about the Junc-


Clawdia: *sigh* Looks like we’re doing Tower…

>>Team Mario-12th at Junction<<
Luigi: *rip* Hey, bro, you-a went on-a this quest. Tower or Scour?

Mario: Fly!

Luigi: No, Tower or-a Scour. That’s-a it.

Mario: Hm… I’m-a Mario!

Luigi: Yes, but that doesn’t answer my-a-

Mario (pulling a star out of his overalls): Let’s-a go!

Duh-Duh-Duh, Duh-Duh Duh-Duh-Duh Duh-Duh-Duh…

Luigi: Uh oh.

Mario proceeds to relentlessly, and pointlessly, chase Luigi through the Tower route.

>>Team What-13th at Junction<<
Daisy: Hey, we’re not in last!

The King: What?

Daisy: *rip* Tower or Scour?

The King: Scour!

Daisy: I know this is your line, but… What?

The King points to the Scour route, where the sandstorm, which normally fogs Dry Dry Desert, has cleared up.

Daisy: How convenient!

Daisy begins to drag The King to said path.

Bagels: Hm… How do I get back in the race? What to do, what to do…

Goomba: Wow, the Magic Lamp!

Bagels: The what?!

Lemmy: There is only one Magic Lamp hidden on each leg of the race. The team that finds it can skip all tasks, and warp directly to the pitstop. However, once a team has claimed a Magic Lamp, they can never use another one, so teams must decide when it is most advantageous to go for it. In this leg, teams must go over to my last Thought of the Day, which was on July 13, 2011 (on the Earth calendar, of course). Once there, they will find… the Magic Lamp!

Bagels runs hastily over to the Goomba.

Bagels: Where is it?

Goomba: I don’t have it.

Bagels: You don’t?

Goomba: No, but there’s an ad in my newspaper saying that it’s in Lemmy’s Thought of the Day.

Bagels: Thanks!

Goomba: Don’t mention it!

The Goomba leaves.

Bagels: Taxi!


Bagels: To Lemmy’s Thought of the Day!

Driver: You’re a dog.

Bagels: Please?


>>Team Cruel-1st at Route Marker #3<<
Gloomtail: Here it is!

Hooktail: *rip* To Lemmy’s CD’s!

Lemmy: Teams will now go to my CDs, where they must search for the theme of this Leg, which is “Chasing the Axem Rangers”. This is also the pitstop of this leg, and the last team to get here will be eliminated!

Gloomtail: It appears that our next destination shall be at…

Hooktail: Uh oh!

>>Team Steam-2nd at Whomp Stop<<

Iggy: Hey, the Whomp Stop!

Roy: Well, I’m *yawn* tired from all of my hard work, so…

Iggy: Work?! You hardly did anythi-

Roy: *snore*

Iggy: *sigh*

Iggy proceeds to step across the Para-Biddybuds. Being one of the best jumpers back in Super Mario Bros. 3, he’s able to jump from one to the other with ease.

>>Teams Cheat and Scheme-3rd and 4th at Route Marker #2<<

Wario: WAHAHA! We-a made it!


Wario: SHUT IT!

Larry: Hey, looks like our Route Marker’s at… *rip*… Paper Mario 3: Mystery of Bailerie Castle!

Ludwig: Then we’re off!


Wario: Hey, that’s-a my ride!


Wario: *sigh* Taxi!


Wario: To-a Bailerie Castle!


>>Team Talk-5th at Route Marker #2<<

Susan: Hm… The #1 Drawing Board Creation…?

Morton: I am unaware, unsure, something else that begins with “un”, and, furthermore, outwitted by this clue, this puzzle, this problem, this dilemma, this conflict, this-

Susan: *sigh* Looks like I’ll have to ask the tourists.

>>Team Cute<<
Birdo: Almost… there…

Yoshi: All right, Yoshi feel better now! Yoshi now get off Birdo’s back!

Birdo: Thanks, sweetie!

Birdo climbs atop Yoshi’s back, and the two zoom off towards the top of the Fortress.

Yoshi: Yoshi and Birdo here!

Birdo: *rip* To Contest 388!

Yoshi: Yoshi!


Birdo: A taxi parked atop a Fortress? That’s new!

Yoshi: To Caption Contest 388!


>>Teams Kong and Mean<<


Wart: *huff, puff* Ribbit…

Team Kong, along with the still-surging Bowser, rush to the Fortress, when-


-they run into it with so much force, it demolishes itself.

DK: Cool!

Diddy: Hey, look, clues!

Bowser: GIMME!

Bowser forcefully takes a clue from Diddy.

Wart: Ribbit, where to?


Diddy: I believe it was Contest… Darn, I can’t remember!

Wart: 388, ribbit?

Diddy: I think so… How’d you know?

Wart: Ribbit, I love art!

Diddy: Taxi!


Bowser: TAXI!


Diddy: To Contest 388!



>>Teams Bean and Fool<<
Kolorado: …and it should be right around here, sports…

L33T: N0, H3R3!

Bowyer: Wrong both of you are! Right here it is!

Xananab: Hey hey bo bey, you’re right!

Bowyer: Nyah!

Kolorado: To a Caption Contest, good old beans!

L33T: WH1CH 1?!

Kolorado: I’m… afraid I’m unsure…

Bowyer: Ask anyone can we?

???: Yeah, ME!

Xananab: Saying “ME” doesn’t help us figure out who you are are bo bare, fanana!

???: Fine, then! Let me just take off this silhouetted disguise from some maf… maf…

Kolorado: Mafia, sport?

???: Yeah, that.

Bowyer: Give you a silhouette why would a Mafia?

???: Huh?

Kolorado: Why’d a Mafia give you a silhouette?

???: Well, when I lost to some stupid Koopa in the Hall, they said some gulm raker or something like that would kill me. They gave me this disguise so no one could see me escape. They then planted a decay, decee, somethin’ like that, a fake, so nobody would notice I escaped. In exchange, though, I’d have to help this mafia.

L33T: M4F14… H4LL… R0Y’5 5P0R75 H4LL!

???: Yeah, that. Anyways, I also have to stay quiet, or else they’ll-

The four misfits raise their eyebrows.

???: Uh… Gotta go!


Kolorado: Well, that was weird, sports!

Bowyer: Agree I do, nyah!

L33T: 4N4LY21NG!

Xananab: Analyzing what, fana?

L33T: 7H15… 7H1NG, L00K5… D4RK!

Bowyer: The silhouette’s this must be!

Kolorado: Yes, and when you take off the disguise…

Bowyer: … a jagged white rock you get?

Kolorado: Lighter than a rock, old bean… and thinner.

L33T: Y’KN0W, L00K1NG 47 7H15 M4K35 M3 HUNGRY!

Kolorado: Indeed, so let’s go on with this leg, and we’ll find a good place to chow down.

Xananab: Agreed, nana!

Kolorado: So… Anyone know where to go next, sports?

Bowyer: Look, a note there is!

Yeah, sorry four runing out on u gis. Im kinda in a rush. So… u guys know 2 much, so Im making a deel. Im going 2 put the next Route Marker 4 u in this leg. If u reed it, then u have to keep qiet 4 the rest of your lives. Capi, Capoo, uh, what’s that word Don Pianta uses, agen?

Jr. Ur Doom!

PS: In case u want to dedi…ded…dedicate your lives 2 me, I LOVE chocolate chip cookies. Mmmm…

PSS: Tell Larry he’s big, and stupid, and ugly, and fat, and, uh… stupid! HA!

Bowyer: Very weird that was, nyah!

Kolorado: Well, might as well read the clue, sports!

Route Marker
The next clue is at…

Dun! Dun! Duuuuuun!

-Capton Contest 388

Ill b wating 4 u! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Bowyer: To Contest 388 we must go, nyah!

Xananab: TAXI, fanana!


Driver: I hate my life…

Kolorado: To Caption Contest 388, sport!

Driver: *sigh*


>>Team Mario<<

Duh-Duh-Duh Duh-Duh Duh-Duh-Duh Duh-Duh-Duh!


Mario: I’m-a Mario!


Luigi: Hey, what’s-a all this rubble?

Mario: Super-a Mario Sunshine! Wahoo!

Luigi: Shut it!

Mario: Owowowowowowowowowow!

Luigi: *sigh* Hey, what’s-a this?

Luigi picks up a clue.

Luigi: Looks like we’re-a going to Caption Contest 388!

Mario: I’m-a the Superstar!


Luigi: I’m-a beginning to love this race!


>>Team What<<
Daisy: Hey, Dad, the clue!

The King: What?

Daisy: Taxi!


Daisy: To Caption Contest 388!


>>Team Queen<<
Wendy: I don’t like this race!

Clawdia: Me neither, sweetie, me neither…


Bagels: Hey, a navigational billboard!

Bagels goes to the board.

Bagels: Hm… Lemmy’s Thought was in 2011, so it is… left of here!

Bagels begins to sprint to her left.

>>Team Cruel<<
Gloomtail: Hello, sir.

Axem Yellow: *munch, crunch*

Hooktail: Sir?

Axem Yellow: *gulp* Yeah?

Gloomtail: Do you happen to know the name of this song?

Gloomtail places the cameraman, whose camera is playing the song you hear now, next to Axem Yellow.

Axem Yellow: Uh… no?

Gloomtail: Darn!

>>Team Steam-at 67th Para-Biddybud<<
Iggy: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Boink! Boink! Boink!

Iggy: Almost there…


Iggy: Yeah, I did it!

Iggy proceeds to take a clue.

Iggy: Our next destination is at… *rip*… Lemmy’s Chat Room!

Roy: Whazzat?!

Iggy: Roy, you’re awake!

Roy: So?

Iggy: Taxi!


Roy: You didn’t answer my question!


>>Team Scheme<<
Ludwig: Who knew this vehicle was so hard to maneuver?

Larry: Well, believe it or not, I’m one of the best auto technicians you could ask for!

Fwip! Twink twink! Zweeeeeeeeerp!

Ludwig: Good work, sibling!

Larry: Tell me about it!


>>Team Cheat-3rd at Whomp Stop<<

Wario: *rip* WAHAHA! The-a Whomp Stop!


Wario: Now, since I’m-a really lazy today… you do it!


Waluigi: Bugs scare me, too.

Wario: *sigh* I didn’t want-a to do this, but…

Wario tosses Waluigi into the first Para-Biddybud. Coincidentally enough, he then bounces off of each one in succession.

Wario: Wonderful!

>>Team Scheme-4th at Whomp Stop<<

Larry: Hey, look, the Whomp Stop.

Larry goes to take a clue.

Larry: This member must be good with jumps.

Ludwig: I believe your agile prowess shall be of utilization here.

Larry: Good!

Larry begins his trek by jumping on the first of 100 Para-Biddybuds.

Ludwig: Hello, elder of the well-known Wario Bros.

Wario: WAH?! What are you-a doing here?!

Ludwig: Racing, of course!

Wario (in a high-pitched imitation): Racing, of course!

>>Team Talk<<
Susan: Excuse me, do you know of the #1 Drawing Board Creation?

Axemblue4: Yeah, Paper Mario 3: Mystery of Bailerie Castle.

Morton: …this endeavor, this conflict, this battle, this war, this- Wait, I already said conflict!

Susan: Taxi!


Susan: To Paper Mario 3!


Axemblue4: *sigh* Why do so few people remember my work?

>>Team Cute-6th at Route Marker #2<<

Birdo: Hm… A game…?


Birdo: What was that?!

Yoshi: It Team Jerky Face!

Birdo: Taxi!


Birdo: Follow those Koopas!


>>Team Kong-7th at Route Marker #2<<
Diddy: A Drawing Board Creation?

DK: Cool!

Diddy: Taxi!


Diddy: To…


Diddy: …where those dinosaurs are going!


>>Team Mean-8th at Route Marker #2<<


Wart: Correct, ribbit.

Wart: *rip* To Bailerie Castle!


Wart: Ribbit, what?

Bowser: *sigh* TAXI!


Wart: To victory, ribbit!

>>Teams Bean and Fool-9th and 10th at Route Marker #2<<
L33T: 4N4LY21NG CLU3…!

Kolorado: Um… You do realize we have the answers right here, correct, sport?

Bowyer: A point there he has!

Xananab: Taxi, fanana!


Kolorado: To… Bailerie Castle, sport!


>>Team Mario-11th at Route Marker #2<<

Luigi: Hm… The #1-a Drawing Board Creation?

Mario: Owowowowowowowowowowowowowowow!

Luigi: You-a know?

Mario: It was-a horrible! I had-a to walk around for-a hours… and do stuff!

Luigi: That… could-a be any game.

Mario: Mamamia!

>>Team What-12th at Route Marker #2<<
Daisy: Hey, Marios!

Luigi (with loud, cartoonish hearts thumping in his eyes): Hiiiiiii…

Daisy: We’re not dating, so stop.

The hearts in Luigi’s eyes shatter.

Luigi: Uh… If you’ll excuse me, I-a need to do something.

Luigi runs behind a conveniently-placed tree.

The King: Um… what?

Mario: I’m-a Mario!

Daisy: Three… two… one…


Daisy: There’s one reason.

Driver: Uh… Mr. Mario?

Mario: Do the Mario!

Mario, The King, and the driver all begin to obnoxiously do the Mario.

Driver: I believe the next clue’s at Bailerie Castle.

Mario: Let’s-a go!

The King: I’m The King!

Daisy: C’mon, Luigi!

Luigi: *sniff* All right.


>>Team Queen<<
Clawdia: Hey, we’re here!

Wendy: *rip* Hey, Contest 388! I know of a shortcut from here!

Clawdia: Great work, sweetie!

Wendy: Here, follow me!

Bagels: April, May, June, July!

Bagels runs into the “July, 2011” section.

Bagels: One, three, seven, nine, twelve, thirteen!

Bagels finds that, above the Thought of the Day, the Magic Lamp, glimmering its golden color, is rested atop an old, dusty cabinet.

Bagels: Woohoo!

Bagels reaches up on her hind legs, and successfully retrieves the Magic Lamp.

Bagels: Rubbingrubbingrubbingrubbing… Done!

Puffs of purple smoke begin to engulf the room in an eerie darkness. A large silhouette takes its form.

Genie: Ho ho ho! You have freed me! For that, I shall take you to the pitstop for this leg!

Bagels: Yay!

The smoke clears up as the Genie jumps up, thumps down, and causes Bagels to go flying.


Axem Black: ‘Sup.

Lemmy: Team Dream, you are the first team to… Where’s Playful?

Bagels: Roy ran him over.

Bagels: Well, then, I’m sorry to say, but, without a partner, you’re eliminated from this race.


Bagels: Wait!

Lemmy: What?! I’m trying to get off early today!

Bagels: Dr. Metal Mario wanted me to give you this.

Lemmy: A doctor’s note? Really?

Bagels: And this. It’s really heavy!

Lemmy: *rip* Hey, my ol’ NES! Before riding a ball, I used to take this everywhere! I guess I lost it when Roy tried to get the doctor to get my tonsils removed!

Bagels: (I should really try to stay clear of Roy.) So…

Lemmy: Team Dream… you’re the first team to arrive!


Bagels: YAY!

Lemmy: And, as your prize-

Bagels: *gulp*

Lemmy: -you and I are going to play some Super Mario Bros. 3… right after we find you a replacement for the next leg!

Bagels: All right!

Read on!
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