Pooper Mario

By John Koopa

Chapter 2: Dry Dry Humor

(Bowser's Castle)

Princess Peach: (sigh...) When am I ever going to get out of here? I'm sick of all the screaming-

A Koopatrol screams for no reason.

Peach: -the toilet not working-

An explosion is heard in the bathroom.

Peach: -and worst of all, Mario is probably lost and alone somewhere... *sniff*... WITH MY CREDIT CARD!!!

Peach starts sobbing.

???: Aww, don't cry!

Peach: Huh? Who are you?

A star sprite flies into the room.

???: I'm a star sprite! My name is... uhh... What's my name again? Oh, yeah! My name's Twinkie!

Peach: Twinkie? You mean like a Hostess Twinkie?

Twinkie: (sigh...) I get that a lot. Anyway, I was sent here to help you!

Peach: Really?! So you can get me out?

Twinkie: Sorry, but my plothole powers aren't strong enough to do that yet. But, I can help you find some information to help Mario find you!

Peach: Wow! So, what do we do?

Twinkie: Just follow me!

Twinkie opens up a secret door.

Peach: How did you do that?

Twinkie: I really don't know.

They continue through the passage until they find a secret room with a diary in it.

Peach: Woah! It's Bowser's diary!

Twinkie: What's it say?

Peach opens it and reads.

Day: Don't know ; Month: Don't care

At last! I've finally gotten in to the Koupa sewing club! I can finally sew pretty dresses for old ladies in need of clothes!

Peach: I don't believe it! He misspelled "Koopa"! Oh, well. Next page.

Day: Still don't know ; Month: Still don't care

Sometimes, I like to dress up as a Power Ranger at night when no one's watching. My favorite is Blue Ranger!

Twinkie: Wow, this is really embarrassing.

Peach: Hey! Look at this!

Hah! Mario will never find out where the next Sacred Bean is! No one knows that it's in Dry Dry Desert! He'll never stop me!

Peach: Aha! So that's where it is!

Twinkie: Great! I'll go tell Mario!

Twinkie flies off.

Peach: I hope Twinkie gets my credit card back...

Suddenly Bowser enters.

Bowser: (Gasp)!!! My diary! How dare you invade my privacy?! Why, If I hadn't come in...

Peach sneaks off while Bowser is ranting.

Bowser: And furthermore... Hey, where'd you go?! Aww, not again!

(Bowser's control room)

Bowser: I can't believe her! The nerve!

Koopatrol: You can't believe HER?! You kidnapped her and threw her in a cell!

Bowser: Shut up, Koopatrol 13!

Koopatrol: Sigh...

Bowser: Anyway, I think it's time to proceed with phase 2 of my master plan!

Koopatrol: I still don't see why you don't just wish that Mario was defeated.

Bowser: I said shut up, 13!

Koopatrol: I have a name, you know!

Bowser: Really? What is it?

Koopatrol: Isaac Josephstein.

Bowser: Hmm... Your name is long. I wish your name was Smith!

The Star Rod glows.

Smith: Aaagh! What have you done with my name?! Nooo!!!

Smith starts crying.

Magikoopa: Sir! I have just received word that we have successfully deployed our latest squadron of Incredible Invincible Indivisible Infinitely Incredible Infantry, also known as "IIIIII's!"

Bowser: Arrgh! I hate the letter "I"! That's the last straw!

Smith: W-w-what are you going to do?


The Star Rod glows.

Bowser: ... D*d *t work?

Mag*koopa: * th*nk so, s*r. You have successfully el*m*nated the letter "*".

Sm*th: But why *, s*r?

Bowser: Because *t's the only letter that both Mar*o and Lu*g* share, other than "O".

Sm*th: But the*r names don't share "O"!

Bowser: Oh, yeah? Well, * w*sh they d*d share the letter "O"!

(Mar*o's house)

Mar*o: Hey, Rob-omb, someth*ng doesn't feel r*ght.

Rob-omb: Really? L*ke what?

Lu*g*o: Hey! My name *sn't pronounced "Looweegeeo!" S*nce when d*d my name have an "O" at the end?!

Mar*o: Aww, who cares?

Rob-omb: Mar*o, you're an *d*ot.

Mar*o: *'m a "dot"?

Rob-omb: No, * said you're an *D*OT!!!

Lu*g*o: He sa*d you're an *D*OT!!!

(Bowser's La*r)

Bowser: Well, *'m loving this.

John Koopa: Bowser! What have you done to my story?!

Bowser: * made *t better.

John Koopa: Better?! Now no one can even speak r*ght! Change *t back!

Bowser: Or what?

John Koopa: Or *'ll tell everyone about your Power Ranger costume!

Bowser: (Gasp) You wouldn't!

John Koopa: Try me.

Bowser: F*ne, * w*sh that the letter "*" was back.

The Star Rod sh*nes.

Bowser: ... Did it work?

John Koopa: I think so. I knew I shouldn't have made a story with you in it.

Smith: I'll say.

(Mario's house)

Rob-omb: For the last time, YOU ARE AN IDIOT!!!

Mario: Ohhhh.... Wait, hey! I heard that!

Rob-omb: Heard what?

Mario: I don't remember...

Rob-omb: I rest my case.

Mario: But wait, something still doesn't feel right...

Luigio: I'll say!

Mario: Anyway, let's go to Professor E. Gadd's place and tell him about the Sacred Bean!

Rob-omb: Right! Come on, Luigio!

Luigio: Hey!

Mario, Luigio and Rob-omb arrive.

Mario: E. Gadd! Are you home?

A loud explosion is heard.

Rob-omb: Yep, he's home.

E. Gadd: Oh, hello, gentlemen! I was just working on my new invention: No-Cal Pizza!

E. Gadd holds up an empty plate.

Mario: But, there's nothing on the plate!

E. Gadd: Exactly! No calories!

Everyone Else: ...

E. Gadd: Anyway, how did it go?

Mario: We found a Sacred Bean!

E. Gadd: Really? Excellent! Just six to go!

Rob-omb: Do you know where the next one is?

E. Gadd: Yes. It's in a place called Dry Dry Desert. You must be careful. It is a harsh and grueling area. It won't be easy.

Luigio: How do we get there?

E. Gadd: Just cross Dry Dry Bridge and you'll get there fast.

Mario: Ok! Let's go, guys!

E. Gadd: Good luck!


Mario: Ok, so let's get going.

Suddenly a star sprite flies down.

Twinkie: (pant) Whew! I made it! Are you Mario?

Mario: The one and only!

Luigio: Thankfully.

Twinkie: I have news for you! I know where the next Sacred Bean is!

Mario: So do I. E. Gadd just told us it's in Dry Dry Desert.

Twinkie: ... So, I came all this way for nothing?

Luigio: Yup.

Twinkie: I hate my life.

He flies off.

Mario: Oookaaay.. Anyway, LETS-A GO!!!

Luigio: I hate it when he does that...

(Dry Dry Bridge)

Rob-omb: Jeez, what a dump.

Luigio (standing next to a real dump): I'll say!

Mario: Let's talk to the Koopa manning the bridge.

Mario walks up.

Mario: Ahem! Gutentag!

Rob-omb: Don't start!

Koopa: May I help you?

Luigio: Yes, we're looking for Dry Dry Desert.

Koopa: It's just across this thousand-year-old bridge.

Mario: Thanks! What's your name, anyway?

Koopa: John Koopa!

Luigio: Oh, great, now the author is personifying himself?

John Koopa: I most certainly am not!

Everyone Else: ...

Mario: Let's just go.

Koopa: Bye!

(On the bridge)

Rob-omb: You know, I don't think this bridge is very stable...

Mario: What do you mean? It's been fine for a thousand years! It must be stable!

The bridge breaks and they fall.

Luigio: Oh, of course. Why not.

They crash into Dry Dry Desert.

Mario: Uggghh... I got sand in my shoes...

Luigio: Aggghh... I got sand in my pants...

Rob-omb: Oggghh... I don't have sand...

Luigio: Great, now we're completely lost.

Mario: We're right in the middle of nowhere!

Rob-omb: No, we're on the edge of nowhere!

Rob-omb points to a sign that says, "The Edge of Nowhere. Population: 3

Mario: Wow. Just wow...

Luigio: Now what?

Mario: Don't worry! Last time we just walked in random directions, it worked great! We'll be there in no time!

One hour later...

Mario: (pant) We should be there soon...

Two hours later...

Mario: Any moment now...

Pant... pant... Three hours... later... pant...

Luigio: Let's face it... we're doomed...

Rob-omb: I'm tired...

Luigio: I'm tireder...

Rob-omb: I'm hungry...

Luigio: I'm hungrier...

Rob-omb: You're stupid...

Luigio: I'm stupider... Wait, hey!

Mario: Hey guys, look!

The three see an oasis.

Luigio: Ohhh, it's beautiful! Even the sun looks beautiful above it!

Mario: Guys, we can't go there.

Rob-omb: What?! Why not?! It's perfect!

Mario: I don't like the look of that sun.

Mario drags them off. After he does, the sun transforms into Angry Sun.

Angry Sun: Darn! I almost had 'em.


Luigio: Need... water...

Rob-omb: Need... food...

Mario: Need... new DS game...

Suddenly they see an odd-looking Toad sneak by.

Mario: Hey, who was that?

???: ... Hey... C'mere...

Mario: (walking over) Who are you?

Shif T: My name's Shif T. I heard you's guys are looking for the Sacred Bean.

Mario: Yeah, we are. Can you help us?

Shif T: Listen, I like you's, so I'll make ya' a deal... I'll tell you where to go, but in return, you's gotta help me deal with a little problem...

Mario: What problem?

Shif T: A group of monsters called the Boogeymen are terrorizing my boys. You take 'em down, we got a deal.

Mario: Got it.

Shif T: Here's some food n' water. The Boogeymen are to the west from here.

Mario: Which way is west?

Shif T: To the left.

Mario: Which way is left?

Shif T: ... Just go.

Mario: Okeydokey!

Luigio: Mario, are you sure we can trust this guy?

Mario: Don't be silly! What's not to trust?


Mario: Okay, it's nighttime. The Boogeymen should be here soon.

Suddenly they find a rock wall in the way.

Luigio: Oh, no! We can't get through!

Mario: Don't worry! I'll knock it down!

Mario charges at the wall, but trips on a rock and smacks into Luigio.

Luigio: OOOWWW...

Rob-omb: Don't worry! I'll blast it down!

Rob-omb charges at the wall, but trips on the same rock and blows up Mario and Luigio.

Mario and Luigio: OOOWWW...

Rob-omb: Sorry...

They finally blow up the wall after seven more attempts.

Mario: Well, we're at the spot.

Suddenly four Dry Bones emerge from the shadows.

Dry Bones: We are... the Boogeymen!!!

One of the Dry Bones pulls out a boombox and plays "Disco Fever".

Dry Bones: Oh, yeah! BOOGIE!!!

Rob-omb: You have GOT to be kidding me.

Dry Bones: Aha! Intruders! Allow us to introduce ourselves!

Dry Bones 1: My name's Skully!

Dry Bones 2: I'm Bonesey!

Dry Bones 3: Skull Crusher, baby.

Dry Bones 4: **** ** *** *****!

Mario: What's wrong with him?

Skully: Bowser wished that he would shut up. His name is Jerry.

Crusher: And now, our leader!

The Angry Sun flies down.

Angry Sun: I'm baaaack!

Mario: I told you there was something odd about that Sun.

Angry Sun: I'm the powerhouse of this gang!

Bonesey: He makes a great disco ball, too!

Luigio: But wait, if it's nighttime, how can the Sun be out?

Angry Sun: Oh, yeah.

Angry Sun disappears.

Skully: Our disco ball! You'll pay for that!!!


Mario: 50 HP
Luigio: 80 HP
Rob-omb: 40 HP
Skully: 1HP
Bonesey: 1 HP
Crusher: 1 HP
Jerry: 1 HP

Mario: What?! That's pathetic!

Luigio: Careful, Mario

Rob-omb starts writing a letter.

Mario: Not that again!

Mario slaps the letter out of Rob-omb's hands.
Rob-omb -- 37 HP

Rob-omb: How dare you?! FINAL EXPLOSION!
Mario -- Zero HP
Rob-omb -- Zero HP

Luigio: ... Are you KIDDING ME?!

Skully: Wow... This is gonna be easy.

Luigio: Not If I can help it! Jump Kick!
Skully -- 1 HP

Skully: Hah! Haven't you played RPG? We can only be hurt by special attacks!

Bonesey: Wow, thanks for telling him our only weakness.

Crusher: Enough! Bone Club!
Luigio -- 72 HP

Luigio: This isn't Pokemon!

Bonesey: Disco Forever!
Luigio -- 64 HP

Luigio: That's not even an attack!

Jerry: ***** *** ****!!!
Luigio -- 56 HP

Luigio: Not even going to comment on that. Ultra Jump! Skully, Bonesey and Crusher -- 0 HP

Jerry: *** *****? *** ****!!!

Jerry flees the battle.


Mario: Whew! We did it!

Luigio: We?! I did all the work!

Rob-omb: You're right, Luigio.

Luigio: I hate being called "Luigio"! I want my old name back!

Rob-omb: Why don't we just call you Luigi?

Luigi: Ahhh, finally...

Mario: Well, let's go tell Shif T.

(Shif T's place)

Shif T: Hmm... Nice job. Well, a deal's a deal. Here's your Sacred Bean!

Mario: Oh, yeah! I got-a the Sacred Bean!!!

Shif T: You's guys impressed me, and there seems to be plenty of action where you guys 'is goin'... I've decided! I'm gonna' join yer' group!

Mario: Wahoo!
(Party Members: 4)

Luigi: There's only one problem...

Mario: What's that?

Luigi: How do we get out of this desert?!

Read on!

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