Chapter 2: Dry Dry Humor
(Bowser's Castle)
Princess Peach: (sigh...) When am I ever going to get out of here? I'm sick of all the screaming-
A Koopatrol screams for no reason.
Peach: -the toilet not working-
An explosion is heard in the bathroom.
Peach: -and worst of all, Mario is probably lost and alone somewhere... *sniff*... WITH MY CREDIT CARD!!!
Peach starts sobbing.
???: Aww, don't cry!
Peach: Huh? Who are you?
A star sprite flies into the room.
???: I'm a star sprite! My name is... uhh... What's my name again? Oh, yeah! My name's Twinkie!
Peach: Twinkie? You mean like a Hostess Twinkie?
Twinkie: (sigh...) I get that a lot. Anyway, I was sent here to help you!
Peach: Really?! So you can get me out?
Twinkie: Sorry, but my plothole powers aren't strong enough to do that yet. But, I can help you find some information to help Mario find you!
Peach: Wow! So, what do we do?
Twinkie: Just follow me!
Twinkie opens up a secret door.
Peach: How did you do that?
Twinkie: I really don't know.
They continue through the passage until they find a secret room with a diary in it.
Peach: Woah! It's Bowser's diary!
Twinkie: What's it say?
Peach opens it and reads.
Day: Don't know ; Month: Don't care
At last! I've finally gotten in to the Koupa sewing club! I can finally sew pretty dresses for old ladies in need of clothes!
Peach: I don't believe it! He misspelled "Koopa"! Oh, well. Next page.
Day: Still don't know ; Month: Still don't care
Sometimes, I like to dress up as a Power Ranger at night when no one's watching. My favorite is Blue Ranger!
Twinkie: Wow, this is really embarrassing.
Peach: Hey! Look at this!
Hah! Mario will never find out where the next Sacred Bean is! No one knows that it's in Dry Dry Desert! He'll never stop me!
Peach: Aha! So that's where it is!
Twinkie: Great! I'll go tell Mario!
Twinkie flies off.
Peach: I hope Twinkie gets my credit card back...
Suddenly Bowser enters.
Bowser: (Gasp)!!! My diary! How dare you invade my privacy?! Why, If I hadn't come in...
Peach sneaks off while Bowser is ranting.
Bowser: And furthermore... Hey, where'd
you go?! Aww, not again!
(Bowser's control room)
Bowser: I can't believe her! The nerve!
Koopatrol: You can't believe HER?! You kidnapped her and threw her in a cell!
Bowser: Shut up, Koopatrol 13!
Koopatrol: Sigh...
Bowser: Anyway, I think it's time to proceed with phase 2 of my master plan!
Koopatrol: I still don't see why you don't just wish that Mario was defeated.
Bowser: I said shut up, 13!
Koopatrol: I have a name, you know!
Bowser: Really? What is it?
Koopatrol: Isaac Josephstein.
Bowser: Hmm... Your name is long. I wish your name was Smith!
The Star Rod glows.
Smith: Aaagh! What have you done with my name?! Nooo!!!
Smith starts crying.
Magikoopa: Sir! I have just received word that we have successfully deployed our latest squadron of Incredible Invincible Indivisible Infinitely Incredible Infantry, also known as "IIIIII's!"
Bowser: Arrgh! I hate the letter "I"! That's the last straw!
Smith: W-w-what are you going to do?
Bowser: I WISH THAT THERE WAS NO MORE LETTER "I"!!!
The Star Rod glows.
Bowser: ... D*d *t work?
Mag*koopa: * th*nk so, s*r. You have successfully el*m*nated the letter "*".
Sm*th: But why *, s*r?
Bowser: Because *t's the only letter that both Mar*o and Lu*g* share, other than "O".
Sm*th: But the*r names don't share "O"!
Bowser: Oh, yeah? Well, * w*sh they
d*d share the letter "O"!
(Mar*o's house)
Mar*o: Hey, Rob-omb, someth*ng doesn't feel r*ght.
Rob-omb: Really? L*ke what?
Lu*g*o: Hey! My name *sn't pronounced "Looweegeeo!" S*nce when d*d my name have an "O" at the end?!
Mar*o: Aww, who cares?
Rob-omb: Mar*o, you're an *d*ot.
Mar*o: *'m a "dot"?
Rob-omb: No, * said you're an *D*OT!!!
Lu*g*o: He sa*d you're an *D*OT!!!
(Bowser's La*r)
Bowser: Well, *'m loving this.
John Koopa: Bowser! What have you done to my story?!
Bowser: * made *t better.
John Koopa: Better?! Now no one can even speak r*ght! Change *t back!
Bowser: Or what?
John Koopa: Or *'ll tell everyone about your Power Ranger costume!
Bowser: (Gasp) You wouldn't!
John Koopa: Try me.
Bowser: F*ne, * w*sh that the letter "*" was back.
The Star Rod sh*nes.
Bowser: ... Did it work?
John Koopa: I think so. I knew I shouldn't have made a story with you in it.
Smith: I'll say.
(Mario's house)
Rob-omb: For the last time, YOU ARE AN IDIOT!!!
Mario: Ohhhh.... Wait, hey! I heard that!
Rob-omb: Heard what?
Mario: I don't remember...
Rob-omb: I rest my case.
Mario: But wait, something still doesn't feel right...
Luigio: I'll say!
Mario: Anyway, let's go to Professor E. Gadd's place and tell him about the Sacred Bean!
Rob-omb: Right! Come on, Luigio!
Luigio: Hey!
Mario, Luigio and Rob-omb arrive.
Mario: E. Gadd! Are you home?
A loud explosion is heard.
Rob-omb: Yep, he's home.
E. Gadd: Oh, hello, gentlemen! I was just working on my new invention: No-Cal Pizza!
E. Gadd holds up an empty plate.
Mario: But, there's nothing on the plate!
E. Gadd: Exactly! No calories!
Everyone Else: ...
E. Gadd: Anyway, how did it go?
Mario: We found a Sacred Bean!
E. Gadd: Really? Excellent! Just six to go!
Rob-omb: Do you know where the next one is?
E. Gadd: Yes. It's in a place called Dry Dry Desert. You must be careful. It is a harsh and grueling area. It won't be easy.
Luigio: How do we get there?
E. Gadd: Just cross Dry Dry Bridge and you'll get there fast.
Mario: Ok! Let's go, guys!
E. Gadd: Good luck!
(Outside)
Mario: Ok, so let's get going.
Suddenly a star sprite flies down.
Twinkie: (pant) Whew! I made it! Are you Mario?
Mario: The one and only!
Luigio: Thankfully.
Twinkie: I have news for you! I know where the next Sacred Bean is!
Mario: So do I. E. Gadd just told us it's in Dry Dry Desert.
Twinkie: ... So, I came all this way for nothing?
Luigio: Yup.
Twinkie: I hate my life.
He flies off.
Mario: Oookaaay.. Anyway, LETS-A GO!!!
Luigio: I hate it when he does that...
(Dry Dry Bridge)
Rob-omb: Jeez, what a dump.
Luigio (standing next to a real dump): I'll say!
Mario: Let's talk to the Koopa manning the bridge.
Mario walks up.
Mario: Ahem! Gutentag!
Rob-omb: Don't start!
Koopa: May I help you?
Luigio: Yes, we're looking for Dry Dry Desert.
Koopa: It's just across this thousand-year-old bridge.
Mario: Thanks! What's your name, anyway?
Koopa: John Koopa!
Luigio: Oh, great, now the author is personifying himself?
John Koopa: I most certainly am not!
Everyone Else: ...
Mario: Let's just go.
Koopa: Bye!
(On the bridge)
Rob-omb: You know, I don't think this bridge is very stable...
Mario: What do you mean? It's been fine for a thousand years! It must be stable!
The bridge breaks and they fall.
Luigio: Oh, of course. Why not.
They crash into Dry Dry Desert.
Mario: Uggghh... I got sand in my shoes...
Luigio: Aggghh... I got sand in my pants...
Rob-omb: Oggghh... I don't have sand...
Luigio: Great, now we're completely lost.
Mario: We're right in the middle of nowhere!
Rob-omb: No, we're on the edge of nowhere!
Rob-omb points to a sign that says, "The Edge of Nowhere. Population: 3”
Mario: Wow. Just wow...
Luigio: Now what?
Mario: Don't worry! Last time we just walked in random directions, it worked great! We'll be there in no time!
One hour later...
Mario: (pant) We should be there soon...
Two hours later...
Mario: Any moment now...
Pant... pant... Three hours... later... pant...
Luigio: Let's face it... we're doomed...
Rob-omb: I'm tired...
Luigio: I'm tireder...
Rob-omb: I'm hungry...
Luigio: I'm hungrier...
Rob-omb: You're stupid...
Luigio: I'm stupider... Wait, hey!
Mario: Hey guys, look!
The three see an oasis.
Luigio: Ohhh, it's beautiful! Even the sun looks beautiful above it!
Mario: Guys, we can't go there.
Rob-omb: What?! Why not?! It's perfect!
Mario: I don't like the look of that sun.
Mario drags them off. After he does, the sun transforms into Angry Sun.
Angry Sun: Darn! I almost had 'em.
(Later)
Luigio: Need... water...
Rob-omb: Need... food...
Mario: Need... new DS game...
Suddenly they see an odd-looking Toad sneak by.
Mario: Hey, who was that?
???: ... Hey... C'mere...
Mario: (walking over) Who are you?
Shif T: My name's Shif T. I heard you's guys are looking for the Sacred Bean.
Mario: Yeah, we are. Can you help us?
Shif T: Listen, I like you's, so I'll make ya' a deal... I'll tell you where to go, but in return, you's gotta help me deal with a little problem...
Mario: What problem?
Shif T: A group of monsters called the Boogeymen are terrorizing my boys. You take 'em down, we got a deal.
Mario: Got it.
Shif T: Here's some food n' water. The Boogeymen are to the west from here.
Mario: Which way is west?
Shif T: To the left.
Mario: Which way is left?
Shif T: ... Just go.
Mario: Okeydokey!
Luigio: Mario, are you sure we can trust this guy?
Mario: Don't be silly! What's not to trust?
(Later)
Mario: Okay, it's nighttime. The Boogeymen should be here soon.
Suddenly they find a rock wall in the way.
Luigio: Oh, no! We can't get through!
Mario: Don't worry! I'll knock it down!
Mario charges at the wall, but trips on a rock and smacks into Luigio.
Luigio: OOOWWW...
Rob-omb: Don't worry! I'll blast it down!
Rob-omb charges at the wall, but trips on the same rock and blows up Mario and Luigio.
Mario and Luigio: OOOWWW...
Rob-omb: Sorry...
They finally blow up the wall after seven more attempts.
Mario: Well, we're at the spot.
Suddenly four Dry Bones emerge from the shadows.
Dry Bones: We are... the Boogeymen!!!
One of the Dry Bones pulls out a boombox and plays "Disco Fever".
Dry Bones: Oh, yeah! BOOGIE!!!
Rob-omb: You have GOT to be kidding me.
Dry Bones: Aha! Intruders! Allow us to introduce ourselves!
Dry Bones 1: My name's Skully!
Dry Bones 2: I'm Bonesey!
Dry Bones 3: Skull Crusher, baby.
Dry Bones 4: **** ** *** *****!
Mario: What's wrong with him?
Skully: Bowser wished that he would shut up. His name is Jerry.
Crusher: And now, our leader!
The Angry Sun flies down.
Angry Sun: I'm baaaack!
Mario: I told you there was something odd about that Sun.
Angry Sun: I'm the powerhouse of this gang!
Bonesey: He makes a great disco ball, too!
Luigio: But wait, if it's nighttime, how can the Sun be out?
Angry Sun: Oh, yeah.
Angry Sun disappears.
Skully: Our disco ball! You'll pay for that!!!
{BOSS BATTLE!!!}
Mario: 50 HP
Luigio: 80 HP
Rob-omb: 40 HP
Vs.
Skully: 1HP
Bonesey: 1 HP
Crusher: 1 HP
Jerry: 1 HP
Mario: What?! That's pathetic!
Luigio: Careful, Mario
Rob-omb starts writing a letter.
Mario: Not that again!
Mario slaps the letter out of Rob-omb's
hands.
Rob-omb -- 37 HP
Rob-omb: How dare you?! FINAL EXPLOSION!
Mario -- Zero HP
Rob-omb -- Zero HP
Luigio: ... Are you KIDDING ME?!
Skully: Wow... This is gonna be easy.
Luigio: Not If I can help it! Jump Kick!
Skully -- 1 HP
Skully: Hah! Haven't you played RPG? We can only be hurt by special attacks!
Bonesey: Wow, thanks for telling him our only weakness.
Crusher: Enough! Bone Club!
Luigio -- 72 HP
Luigio: This isn't Pokemon!
Bonesey: Disco Forever!
Luigio -- 64 HP
Luigio: That's not even an attack!
Jerry: ***** *** ****!!!
Luigio -- 56 HP
Luigio: Not even going to comment on that. Ultra Jump! Skully, Bonesey and Crusher -- 0 HP
Jerry: *** *****? *** ****!!!
Jerry flees the battle.
{BOSS BATTLE ENDED!!!}
Mario: Whew! We did it!
Luigio: We?! I did all the work!
Rob-omb: You're right, Luigio.
Luigio: I hate being called "Luigio"! I want my old name back!
Rob-omb: Why don't we just call you Luigi?
Luigi: Ahhh, finally...
Mario: Well, let's go tell Shif T.
(Shif T's place)
Shif T: Hmm... Nice job. Well, a deal's a deal. Here's your Sacred Bean!
Mario: Oh, yeah! I got-a the Sacred Bean!!!
Shif T: You's guys impressed me, and there seems to be plenty of action where you guys 'is goin'... I've decided! I'm gonna' join yer' group!
Mario: Wahoo!
(Party Members: 4)
Luigi: There's only one problem...
Mario: What's that?
Luigi: How do we get out of this desert?!