Pooper Mario

By John Koopa

Chapter 2.5 - All that glitters... is shiny.

Mario: Now how are we supposed to get out of this desert?

Luigi: I just asked that question last chapter.

Rob-omb: Well, the bridge is out, so we can't leave that way.

Luigi: Really? You think?!

Rob-omb: Jeeze, a little harsh, aren't we?

Luigi: Well, you try being trapped in a desert for three days and nights!

Rob-omb: ...

Shif T: Maybe we can fly out of here?

Luigi: Are you crazy?! There isn't a plane for miles!

Mario: Well, then I guess we'd better start walking.

(Hours later)

Luigi: I'm tired...

Rob-omb: I'm tireder...

Luigi: I'm tired of this joke...

Rob-omb: I'm tireder of this joke...

Luigi: And I'm so thirsty!

Shif T: Well, we wouldn't be in this mess if Mario hadn't wasted all our water...

Mario: Hey! Pasta is not a waste of water!

Luigi: Hey, wait a second...

Rob-omb: What is it, Luigi?

Luigi: If this is daytime, and we're still in this part of the desert...

The Angry Sun flies down.

Angry Sun: Heeeeere's Sunny!

Everyone Else: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Angry Sun: That's right! You may have gotten
lucky once, you may have even gotten lucky twice, BUT YOU AIN'T GETTI-

A plane flies down and crushes Angry Sun.

Mario: ...

Luigi: ...

Rob-omb: ...

Shif T: Only in a videogame...

Plane: Hello, my name is 130MB. Professor Elvin Gadd sent me to assist you in your journey. Here is a recorded message from him.

The message plays.

E. Gadd: Greetings, Mario and Co!

Luigi: We have names too, you know...

E. Gadd: I hope you are doing well.

Mario: Hi, E. Gadd!

E. Gadd: Mario, this is a recorded message. You know I can't hear you.

Mario: Oh, sorry.

E. Gadd: No problem.

Rob-omb: Wait, how can you...

E. Gadd: Quiet, Rob-omb. Anyhow, I sent this plane to assist you in your travels. I hope to hear from you again soon. Good luck!

Mario: Well, okay. Let's get out of here!
(Party members: 5)

Plane: Do you have any requests?

Mario: Sure! I'd like a smoothie, please!

The plane makes a smoothie.

Mario: Thanks! Actually, how about two?

The plane takes half of the first cup and pours it into a second cup.

Mario: Cool! Now I have two smoothies! How about a dozen?

(A few more minutes of this nonsense later...)

Mario: Awesome! Now I have fifty smoothies!

We see that each cup only has one drop in it.

Luigi: But he only poured the same smoothie into different cups! It's the same amount you had to begin with!

Mario: I have no idea what you mean.

Luigi: *sigh...* Let's just go.

(Inside the plane)

Luigi: Wow, this decor is terrible.

Plane: Please select your destination.

Rob-omb: Take us to the Mushroom Kingdom!

Plane: Destination: Antarctica.

Rob-omb: No, I said The Mushroom Kingdom!

Plane: Destination: Antarctica.

Rob-omb: It's hearing me wrong!

Luigi: I have an idea. Plane! Take us to Antarctica!

Plane: Destination: Antarctica.

Mario: ...

Shif T: I know! Plane, where is the next Sacred Bean?

Plane: If you want this information, press 1. If not, press 2.

Shif T. presses 1.

Plane: You have selected to hear this information. If this is true, press 1. If not, press 2.

Shif T presses 1.

Plane: You have confirmed that you want this information. If this is true-

Shif T jams down 1.

Plane: Information: Location of Sacred Beans unknown.

Mario: ...

Luigi: ...

Shif T: AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

Rob-omb: What do we do now?

Plane: Recommendation: Traveling to Glitzville.

Mario: B-b-b-but... Glitzville isn't in Paper Mario!

Plane: Course locked: Glitzville.
 

(At Bowser Castle)

Princess Peach: So, Twinkie, how did it go?

Twinkie: Mario already knew where the bean was. I was useless.

Peach: But, that's impossible! Bowser's diary said no one else knew!

Twinkie: Exactly. Bowser wrote it.

Peach: Oh, yeah.

Twinkie: The good news, though, is that I found a secret passageway out of here!

Peach: Really?! You did?!

Twinkie: Nope. Just kidding.

Peach: ...

Twinkie: Just joking! I really did find it. It's this way. Come on!

Twinkie leads her into a corridor.

Peach: Wow! I had no idea this place was so huge.

Suddenly a green-clad Koopatrol approaches.

Smith: Ahh, Peach, I was expecting you to try to escape this way.

Peach: What?! How did you know? I thought all of Bowser's henchmen were stupid!

Smith: I know. It's embarrassing. However, you'll find that I'm not as stupid as the others. Peach, you have no chance for escape. I have dealt with that personally. You see, the next room has been electrified by Sparkies, so the instant you step outside this corridor, you'll be electrocuted.

Peach: Only in a videogame...

Smith: Plus, even if you do make it past the Sparkies, the next room has been blanketed by Dark Matter.

Peach: Only in a videogame...

Smith: And even if you do manage to escape the castle, you'll freeze to death. The temperature outside is 30 below.

Peach: Only in Chicago...

Smith: Not to mention you'd have to beat me to even get the chance.

Twinkie: We can take you!

Peach: NO WE CAN'T.

Peach drags Twinkie back in the cell and locks the door.

Smith: ... Well, that was easier that expected.
 

(Bowser's control room)

Bowser: SMITH!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!

Smith enters.

Bowser: There you are! What took you so long?

Smith: I was dealing with-

Bowser: No excuses! This kind of laziness will not be tolerated here!

Smith: But, I was just-

Bowser: SILENCE!!! Looks like I have no choice! You're useless to me!

Smith: But I'm the only soldier here with half a brain!

Bowser: Goodbye, Smith-

John Koopa: Bowser! You're doing it again!

Bowser: Wha-?!

John Koopa: You keep trying to ruin my story! Smith is important to the plot!

Smith: Thank you.

John Koopa: Stop ruining things, or else!

Bowser: Hey! You can't threaten me! I'm the Koopa King! I can crush you any day!

John Koopa: You're challenging ME to a fight? But I'm not part of this story!

Bowser: Oh, yeah? Well, I WISH YOU WERE A CHARACTER IN THIS STORY!!!

The Star Rod glows.

John Koopa (in physical form): Woah. That was sort of cool.

Bowser: Now, I'm gonna crush you!

Smith: Uum, Bowser, I wouldn't fight him. Even if he's a character now, he's still in complete control of the story.

Bowser: Yeah, but I have the Star Rod!

Smith: Then I'd say you have a chance, if you weren't a complete idiot.

Bowser: Grrrr! When I get through with the author, you're dead!

Smith: I won't hold my breath.

{Battle begins}

Bowser's HP: 10
Vs.
John Koopa's HP: As much as he wants

Bowser: Super Duper PTALPLAXMATHQMNS Attack!
John Koopa's HP: Still as much as he wants
Bowser: Oh, come ON!

John Koopa: Author Powers. (Tap, click<, BOOM!)
Bowser: Aaaagh...
John Koopa: That was so fun, I want to do it again! (Tap, click<, BOOM!)

Bowser: AAAAAGH! Uugh... Fine! But you'll never catch me! I WISH I HAD AN ESCAPE VEHICLE!

The Star Rod becomes a Koopa Klown Kopter.

Bowser: HA HA!

Bowser jumps in the new Klown Kopter and John Koopa jumps in the original Klown Kopter.

Bowser: I hate it when people use my own stuff against me! Fine, you win! I wish you were back outside the plot again!

The Star Rod glows.

John Koopa (back to normal): Ah, that's better.

Smith: I told you so.
 

(Onboard the plane)

Rob-omb: I don't feel right stepping outside the lines of the parody, guys...

Mario: Aww, what could go wrong?

Suddenly Luigi sees a bird.

Luigi: Hey, it's a Northwestern Flicker! They're some of the most intelligent birds in the-

The bird smacks into the window.

Rob-omb: Yeah. That bird was REALLY intelligent.

Luigi: I can't believe it! E. Gadd's piece of trash just hit my favorite bird! That's it!

Mario: Luigi? Where are you going?

Luigi: I'm gonna give this plane a piece of my mind!

Mario: Won't that hurt?

Luigi storms off.
 

(Plane control room)

Luigi: 130MB!

Plane: Yes, green-stached one?

Luigi: I'm sick of you! You're scamming my teammates, and you just hit my favorite kind of bird!

Plane: Inquiry: So what?

Luigi: As soon as we land, I'm taking you apart and selling you as scrap!

Plane: Declaration: Bring it on, greenie!

Luigi: Declaration: You're SO going down!
 

(Passenger room)

Shif T: I wonder how Luigi's doing.

Mario: I'm sure he's fine.

Outside, Luigi is shown hanging from the wing.

Luigi: HEEEEEEELLLPPPP!!!

Rob-omb: Hey, guys, do you hear something?

Mario: Nope, it's probably nothing.

(Outside)

Luigi: HEEEELLLPPP!!! SOMEBODY!!!

A mechanical arm holding an anvil extends from the plane.

Luigi: Oh, shoot.

(Inside)

Shif T: Hey, I think I hear screaming outside.

Mario: You're probably just imagining it.

(Outside)

Luigi: (face smashed) Owwoww... Well, at least it can't get any worse.

Two more arms extend, both holding anvils.

Luigi: Oh, come on!

The anvils smash Luigi in the face.

Luigi: Ooowww... Well, at least you're probably out of anvils by now.

Five more arms with anvils appear.

Luigi: WHERE ARE YOU GETTING ALL THESE ANVILS?!

(Inside)

Rob-omb: Hey, wasn't there an anvil truck below us a minute ago?

(Outside)

Luigi: WHY ME?!

A large mechanical arm holding an anvil truck extends.

Luigi: Why (Smack) can't (Smash) I (Crush) ever (Conk) be (Bang) RIGHT?!

(Inside)

Mario: Hey, where are all my smoothies?

(Outside)

Plane: Would you care for a smoothie, sir?

Luigi: Uuum... Sure?

Plane: Well... SO WOULD I!!!

The plane drops the smoothies on Luigi.

(Inside)

Rob-omb: Hey, where are all our explosives? We need those to beat Bowser!

(Outside)

Arms holding Bob-ombs extend.

Luigi: WHYYY(BOOM)YYY(BOOM)YYY?!

(Inside)

Mario: Hey, where's-

Luigi (from outside): SHUT UP!!!

Shif T: Hey, I think we're finally landing.

The plane lands in Glitzville.

Mario: Good, we're finally here!

Rob-omb: Hey, where's Luigi?

Groaning, Luigi crawls out from under the landing gear wheels.

Luigi: Owwww...

Mario: Hey, Luigi! What took you so long?

Luigi: Grrrrr....

Mario: Uhh, Luigi?

Luigi starts strangling Mario.

Shif T: Hey guys, look! This city is totally different from the last time I was here!

Rob-omb: Hmm... I don't like the looks of this place...

Shif T: Don't worry! I grew up here!

Rob-omb: Why does that not fill me with reassurance?

Mario: Maybe that tour guide can help us.

Mario walks up to the jester-like tour guide.

Mario: Hello, sir! Can you point us to the nearest inn or hotel?

Dimentio: Sure! The new inn was built on the west side a week ago.

Mario: Hey, wait! Aren't you the evil Dimentio, main villain of "Super Pooper Mario"?

Dimentio: Yeah, but we haven't met because this is a prequel.

Mario: Oh, well in that case, how do you do? I'm Mario!

Dimentio: Nice to meet you. Well, I must be going now. Ciao!

Dimentio teleports away.

Luigi: Mario, who was that?

Mario: Oh, nobody. Anyway, the new inn is that way!

Shif T: Before we go, we should stop by that casino parlor over there.

Mario: Why?

Shif T: Because I grew up there!

Luigi: ...
 

Inside the casino

Parlor Toad: Greetings, and welcome to Gamblescam Casino!

Rob-omb: Gambling. How terrible! How abhorrent! To think that anyone would do something so obscene as to gamble away money at a parlor!

A Toad walks up to Rob-omb.

Toad: Your winnings, sir.

Rob-omb: Oh, thank you.

Shif T: See if you can find any members of my old gang. I'm sure they can help us find the Sacred Beans.

They split up. Mario walks up to a blue Chuboomba.

Mario: Hi, there! Do you know Shif T?

???: Uuuh... Yes! Yes, I do!

Mario: Oh, good. Can you help us find the Sacred Beans?

???: Uhh... Sure! Where can we meet?

Mario: How about the inn?

???: Perfect. I can't believe those fools have fallen right into my trap! Soon, their Sacred Beans will be MINE!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Mario: Umm, I heard that.

???: Heard what?

Mario: Uuh... I can't remember.
 

(Later)

Rob-omb: Hey, guys! Did you find anyone?

Mario: I think I did. I also lost all my money on the slots. It's so fun!

Luigi: ..
 

Outside

Luigi: Hey, look! It's a lemonade stand!

Mario walks up.

Mario: I'll have one lemonade, please!

Toadette: Certainly.

She pours a glass.

Mario: Now that I think of it, I should probably get some for my friends, too.

Toadette: Certainly.

She pours the contents of the first glass into other glasses. Later...

Mario: Hey, Luigi?

Luigi: Yeah?

Mario: I can't help feeling I'm being scammed everywhere I go. First the plane with his smoothies, then the casino, now this...

Luigi: Wait, you actually figured it out?

Mario: Figured what out?

Luigi: *sigh...* Never mind. Let's just go to the inn.
 

(At the inn)

Shif T: Well, the room's nice, I'll give them that.

Mario: But, how can we afford it? I lost all my money!

Luigi: Yeah, but you still have Princess Peach's credit card!

Mario: Oh, yeah!

Rob-omb: PARTY!!!
 

(Bowser Castle)

Peach: I sense a disturbance in the force.
 

(The inn)

Luigi: Well, we should probably turn in for the night.

A knock is heard at the door.

Mario: I'll get it!

Shif T: Hold on, Mario. This could be dangerous. I'd better get a blaster.

Mario: Don't worry. It's probably one of your old friends!

Shif T: I'd better get a bazooka!

Mario opens the door.

Mario: Who are you?

Three beige-colored Shy Guys enter.

Sly Guy 1: We are the Sly Guy Trio. We work for Baron Von Bon Bon.

Luigi: Who is Baron Von Bon Bon?

Sly Guy 2: Baron Von Bon Bon is the king of dessert. We have come to take your Sacred Beans!

Luigi: We're not going down without a fight!

{Battle begins}

Mario: 60 HP
Luigi: 85 HP
Rob-omb: 55 HP
Shif T: 75 HP
Vs.
Sly Guy 1: 20 HP
Sly Guy 2: 20 HP
Sly Guy 3: 30 HP

Mario: Aww, I thought this would be hard!

Sly Guy 1: Mwahaha... We're a lot tougher than we look. And once we win, Baron Von Bon Bon will give us all the food we'll ever want!

Sly Guy 2: Well-cut ham... roast leg-of-lamb... strawberry jam!

Sly Guy 3: Salon stakes, chocolate cakes!

Rob-omb: ... Morons...

Sly Guy 1: Go, Sprix-mix Blast!

The Sly Guys hurl doughnuts at Mario and Co. Zero damage.

Luigi: Doughnuts? Really?

Mario: MINE!!!

Mario runs over and eats the doughnuts.

Shif T: How typical.

Sly Guy 2: Bwahaha!! You cannot stand up to the power of our extra-sprinkled doughnuts! Now it's my turn! Sausage Saber!

Sly Guy 2 gets a long sausage sword.

Luigi: But that has nothing to do with dessert!

Sly Guy 2: Wrong! It's a dessert meat! SAUSAGE SLASH!!!
(Luigi: 75 HP)

Luigi: Wait, that actually hurt me?!

Sly Guy 3: Hah! You're gonna get slapped around by a fish!

Luigi: Don't you mean LIKE a fish?

Sly Guy 3: Nope! Angry Flounder Attack!

Sly Guy 3 slaps Luigi with a wet flounder.

Rob-omb: ... Wow.

Luigi: Wait, why are you only attacking me?!

Sly Guy 3: Because I don't like you.

Luigi: ...

Rob-omb: Enough! Bob-ombast!

Sly Guy 2: Taffy Shield!
(Sly Guys: 14 HP)

Rob-omb: What?! How could you have taken so little damage?!

Sly Guy: Our Taffy Shield protected us!

Luigi: Maybe so, but you can't stop this combo!

Shif T: Go, Shakedown!
(Sly Guys: DEF -50%)

Sly Guys: Oh, no! Our defense!

Luigi: Now, for the crusher! Ultra Jump!
(Sly Guys: 2 HP)

Luigi: Yes! Now Mario can finish them! ... Mario?

Mario: Mmmmm... Doughnuts...

Luigi: AAAAGGHHH!!! MARIO, YOU IDIOT!!!

Shif T: Why are you so surprised?

Mario: Mmm... I WANT MORE!!

Sly Guy 1: W-w-w-we don't have any more...

Mario: LIAR!!!

Mario beats up the Sly Guys in a scene too graphic to show.

{Battle over}

Shif T: Now I'm surprised.

Sly Guy 3: ... Uuughh... How did we lose?

Sly Guy 2: You haven't seen the last of us!

Rob-omb: What are your names, anyway?

Sly Guys: Who are we? Mwahahaha... We are...

Sly Guys: Ed, Edd and Eddy!

Rob-omb: I should have known.

Sly Guys: We'll be back! Say your prayer until we return, FOR WE SHALL-

The plane flies down and lands on them.

Sly Guy 1: Medic...

Luigi: Oh, no, something even worse...

Mario: Whatever do you mean?

Plane: Contact has been established with Professor Elvin Gadd. He requests to speak with you.

Luigi: Can he leave a message?

Mario: I'll get it. *picks up* Hello?

E. Gadd: Oh, hello, Mario!

Mario: Hi, E. Gadd! Say, how come you always greet me the same way?

E. Gadd: Never mind that. I have important news! A powerful adversary is in Glitzville! His name is Baron Von Bon Bon, and he means to steal your Sacred Beans!

Mario: What's a Sacred Bean?

E. Gadd: UUUUUGGGHHH... (Why do I even try?) Look, Mario, you need to find the next Sacred Bean as soon as possi-

Mario: ASAP!!!

E. Gadd: ... As I was saying, I know where the next Sacred Bean is!

Mario: Where? WHERE?!

E. Gadd: It's in-

Static is heard on the line.

Verizon: There has been a disruption on the line. If you would like to make another call-

Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Luigi: MAMAMIAAAAAAAA!!!

Rob-omb: WHYYYYYYYYY!!!

Shif T: I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE SWITCHED TO VERIZON!!!

John Koopa: I'LL NEVER GET THIS STORY FINISHED!!!

Plane: @@@@@@@@@@@!!!

Luigi: That is just so typical.

Shif T: That's it! I'm switching to AT&T!

Mario: Now what do we do?

Rob-omb: *sigh...* We should probably find that guy you found at the parlor.

Luigi: Wait a minute! Mario, you said that the Chuboomba told you to meet him at the inn, right?

Mario: Yeah, so?

Luigi: So, only he would know where to find us! That means HE must have been the one who sent those Sly Guys after us!

Shif T: So, that must mean he's...

Rob-omb: A real jerk!

Luigi: Y- NO!!! It means he must be...

Everyone: THE PIZZA GUY!!!

The "Dragnet" theme plays.

Plane: No, you idiots! He's Baron Von Bon Bon!

Everyone Else: Oh.
 

(Inside Baron Von Bon Bon's castle)

Baron Von Bon Bon: Mwahahaha...

Doughnut Warrior: What are you laughing at, sir?

Baron: Shut up, fool! You're ruining my moment!

Doughnut Warrior: Oh, sorry.

Baron: Anyway, Mwahahahahaa!!!

Crumpet Guard: ... Yes?

Baron: Nothing. I just felt like laughing.

Crumpet Guard: ...

Baron: NOW it's time for my speech. Ahem. Mwahahahaha!!! Those fools will never find me!

Mario: Wanna bet?

Baron: Gasp! How did you find me here?!

Mario: We just stepped into a plot-hole.

Baron: But which one? There are so many in this story!

Mario: Lucky guess.

Baron: Well, your luck ends here, as well as all nine of your lives!

Luigi: That's a cat.

Rob-omb: Where?

Luigi: ...

Mario: Tell us where the Sacred Bean is!

Baron: Or what?

Mario: I don't know. I never thought I'd get this far.

Rob-omb: We'll blast you sky-high!

Baron: I'd like to see you try!

Salami Soldier: Rhymes? Really?

Baron: Guards! ATTACK!!!

An army of Doughnut Warriors, Crumpet Guards, Salami Soldiers, and Enchilada Enforcers appear.

Luigi: What is it with you and food?

Mario: Listen, guys, you hold off the minions and I'll go after the Baron.

Luigi: Oh, of course, it's always about YOU, isn't it?

Mario: Fine, I'LL go after the Baron and YOU hold off the minions!

Luigi: Deal.

Mario runs off.

Luigi: Wait... Did I just get tricked by Mario?

Rob-omb: Yep.

Shif T: Mario was clever... That worries me.

Rob-omb: We've got more important things to deal with; Namely, that horde!

{BOSS BATTLE PHASE 1!!!}

Luigi: 90 HP
Rob-omb: 70 HP
Shif T: 85 HP
Vs.
Boss Horde: 500 HP

Luigi: Jeeze! There's so many!

Shif T: There's no time to hesitate! CHAARGE!!

(Deep in the corridors)

Mario: Jeeze, it's so dark in here!

Mario bumps into a wall.

Mario: Dang it! I hate completely straight paths with no twists or turns! I can never find my way around them!

Finally, after nine more bumps, Mario arrives in a bright and spacious room,

Baron: Mwahahaha! So, Mario, you have come!

Mario: You might as well give up, Baron! This whole castle is completely surrounded by an entire army of elite Yoshis! Would you believe it? An entire army of elite Yoshis!

Baron: I find that very hard to believe.

Mario: ... Would you believe a squadron of reformed Koopas?

Baron: I don't think so.

Mario: How about one angry Girl Scout Goomba?

Baron: You're stalling, Mario. Why don't you make it easy on yourself and just give me the Sacred Beans?

Mario: Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!

Baron: Say WHAT?!

Mario: Stupidpeoplesaywhat!

Baron: WHAT?!

Mario: Ha ha! You're stupid!

Baron: ARRRRGGGHHH!!! THAT'S IT!!!

Mario: Uh oh...

{BOSS BATTLE PHASE 2!!!}

Mario: 70 HP
Vs.
Baron: 100 HP

Mario: Jeeze! Super Jump!
(Baron: 90 HP)

Baron: Hmph. Pathetic. Lolly Pop Swirl!
(The Baron spins his lolly pop. Mario is now dizzy.)

Mario: I don't feel any different than usual!

Exactly.

Mario: Jerk. Fireball!
(Attack misses)
Mario: Come on!

Baron: Hah! Take this! Chocolate Cake Hammer!
(A chocolate cake shaped like a hammer crushes Mario. Mario: 55 HP)

Mario: What the?!

(Horde Battle)

Luigi: 90 HP
Rob-omb: 70 HP
Shif T: 85
Vs.
Horde: 500 HP

Rob-omb: Our HP is the same?! What were we doing during that scene change?!

Shif T: Standing here waiting for it to end.

Luigi: Green Fireball!
(Horde: 495 HP)

Rob-omb: Blast! We can't win like this! There's too many of them!

Shif T: We need attacks that hit multiple targets. Rob-omb! You're up!

Rob-omb: You got it! Bob-ombast!
(Horde: 378 HP)

Shif T: Perfect! Now it's my turn! Swindle!
(Horde: 346 HP)

Horde: MASS ATTACK!!! CHARGE!!!
(Luigi: 70 HP
Rob-omb: 62 HP
Shif T: 74 HP)

Rob-omb: Blast it all!

Horde Boss: Reinforcement Troop, assemble!
(New troops arrive and join the Horde. Horde: 634 HP)

Luigi: This is impossible! What can we do?!

(The Baron's quarters)

Mario: 55 HP
Vs.
Baron: 90 HP

Mario (no longer dizzy): Ice Storm!
(Baron: 75 HP)

Baron: Arrgh! That's it! Angry Toaster Attack!!!
(The Baron throws a fan at Mario.
Mario: 50 HP)

Mario: Why a fan? I thought it was supposed to be a toaster!

Baron: Yes, so I threw a fan because I was angry that I didn't have a toaster!

Mario: Whatever.
(Baron: 68 HP)

Baron: What?! Why did I lose life?!

Mario: Because "Whatever" was my attack!

(Horde Battle)

Luigi: 70 HP
Rob-omb: 62 HP
Shif T: 74 HP
Vs.
Horde: 634

Luigi: Ultra Jump!
(Horde: 432 HP)
Luigi: YES!!!

Horde Boss: Reinforcement Troop, assemble!
(Horde: 724 HP)

Rob-omb: WHERE ARE ALL THESE TROOPS COMING FROM?!

Luigi: From the main hall door!

Shif T: Then why don't we just close the door?!

Luigi: Oh, yeah, hadn't thought of that.

Luigi closes the door.

Horde: Hey, no fair!

Luigi: FAIR?! Look who's talking about fair!

Shif T: Now we're in busiiness!

Horde: Uh oh...

(Baron's quarters)

Mario: Low Kick Sweeper!
(Mario kicks the Baron in the foot.
Baron: 42 HP)

Baron: OOOOOOOWWWWWW!!! MY FOOOOOT!!! Why did that hurt so much?!

Suddenly a voice is heard from afar.

???: Harold! It's time for dinner!

Baron: Aww come on, Mom, five more minutes!

Mario: You live with your mother?

Baron: Shut up! Waffle Rain!
(Mario: 78 HP)

Baron: WHAAAT?!

Mario: Mmmm... Waffles...

Baron: You ate my waffles! That's it! I've been pushed around too long, and I'm putting my foot down!
(The Baron stomps his injured foot on the ground.)
Baron: OOOOWWWW!!!
(Baron: 30 HP)

(Horde battle)

Luigi: Ready for the finisher, guys?

Shif T: Let's do it! Shakedown!
(Horde: DEF-50%)

Horde: Oh, NOOOOOO!!!

Rob-omb: FINAL BLAST!!!
(Horde: 0 HP)

Horde: AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!

{BOSS BATTLE PHASE 1 ENDED}

(Baron's chambers)

Mario: Tell me, Baron, what made you decide to join Bowser?

Baron: I'm a creative culinary master, bursting with new concepts! I was wasted in the doughnut business. Bowser had an opening for a master chef, so I took it. Besides, my agent recommended it!

Mario: But Bowser is vicious, evil, and rotten!

Baron: So is my agent! Now, Refrigerator Slam!
(Mario: 1 HP)

Mario: What?! Why did it leave me with 1 HP?!

Baron: Well, Refrigerator Slam can't beat you, but it lowers your HP to 1.

Mario: Then why didn't you use it right away?!

Baron: Well, I had a little trouble lifting the fridge, so I had to empty it out during the scene change.

Mario: Well, you've made your last mistake!

Baron: No, I still have plenty more mistakes to make!

Mario: Wrong! FLAMING FINISHER!!!
(Baron: 0 HP)

Baron: NOOOO!!! MY DESSERT EMPIRE!!!

{BOSS BATTLE ENDED!!!}

Mario: Whew! For such a loon, he was pretty tough!

Suddenly Mario sees a piece of paper in the Baron's pocket.

Mario: Hmmm... This could be useful. I'll take it.

Luigi, Rob-omb, and Shif T enter.

Rob-omb: Mario! We did it!

Mario: Awesome job, guys! Hey, check out this piece of paper!

Luigi: Hey! It's a map to the next Sacred Bean!

Shif T: But where is that huge forest?

Mario: We should ask E. Gadd when we get back. Let's go.
 

(Outside)

Glitzville Mayor: As thanks for stopping that terrible Baron Von Bon Bon, we shall tear down that terrible gambling parlor.

Mario and Co: Hooray!!!

Mayor: And replace it with a vicious fighting arena where people can bet on winners!

Mario and Co: ...

Mayor: Farewell, and thanks again!

Mario: Wait, I still have one question about all this...

Mayor: Yes?

Mario: How is this city staying afloat in the sky?

Glitzville starts to rumble.

Everyone: OH, SHOOOOOOOOOT!!!

Glitzville plummets down to the ground and explodes.

Mario: Uuuh... Oops?

Read on!


 
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