Pooper Mario

By John Koopa

Chapter 4: The Looney Bin

(Bowser Castle)

Princess Peach: You know, Twinkie, I really think we should try to help Mario.

Twinkie: How? Bowser and his cronies may be stupid, but that Koopatrol Smith will stop us!

Peach: Yeah, but we still have the secret passage, and we can move about the corridors without much trouble.

Twinkie: All right, let's take a look around.

(In the corridors)

Peach: Hey, Twinkie, look at that!

A Monty Mole wearing a tuxedo moves in front of a large blue screen.

Monty Mole: THIS... IS... JEOPARDY!!! Welcome to the show!

Peach: Wow, who would have thought Bowser provided entertainment for his troops?

Twinkie: Wait, if you're just one of Bowser's men, why aren't you trying to stop us?

Monty: I'm just a gameshow host. Would you like to play?

Peach: Sure!

Twinkie: Awesome!

Monty: Okay! Our categories today are: "Plit Secrets", "Puzzle Sloving Games", "Bowser's Castles", and "Popular Games".

Peach: I'll do Plit secrets for $400.

Monty: In Super Paper Mario, this powerful, optional Pixl can be found in the Bitlands, level one.

Twinkie: Uhh, is it Piccolo?

Monty: Nope.

Peach: Who is Barry?

Monty: Correct, and that moves you up to $400.

Peach: Puzzle-solving games for $200.

Monty: In "Professor Layton and the Last Specter", Professor Layton gets a new assistant, who turns out to be quite helpful.

Peach: Uuhh....

Twinkie: Who is Emmy Altava!

Monty: Correct! Twinkie?

Twinkie: I'll take Bowser's castles for $400.

Monty: In "Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga", this new foe takes over Bowser's flying castle.

Peach: Who is Cackletta?

Monty: Correct. Princess?

Peach: I'll take Bowser's castles for $800.

Flashing letters appear on the screen.

Monty: Ooh, the Daily Double! How much?

Peach: Uuummm... I'll go for $1600.

Monty: Making it a true daily double, eh? Okay. In all the Mario games, not including spinoffs, how many castles has
Bowser had total?

Peach: Uuh... err...

Monty: Your time's running out!

Peach: Uuh... 32!

Monty: CORRECT!!!

Twinkie: Do you even know how many?

Monty: Err... no... But her guess sounds good, so Peach wins!!!

Peach: WOOHOOOO!!!

Twinkie: Way to go, Princess!

Monty: And as a consolation prize, Twinkie, you receive our special Fire Flower!

Twinkie: Yes! This should help Mario!

Peach: And when we get out of here, I'm hitting the mall!

Suddenly Bowser bursts into the room.

Bowser: HEY!! What's with all the racket?!

Peach: Uhh, err...

Monty: W-w-we were just having a round of Jeopardy...

Bowser: Jeopardy?! I WANNA PLAY!!!

Monty: (Whew!) Certainly! Step right up!

Bowser: Oh, boy!

Monty: Welcome! Now, for Double Jeopardy!

Twinkie: Psst! Princess! We should leave now!

Peach: Right.

They leave.

Monty: Our categories are: "The Lost Levels", "Popular Games", "Bowser Baddies", and "Best Platformers".

Bowser: Uhh, I'll take popular games?

Monty: In the original "Legend of Zelda", who was the main antagonist?

Bowser: Uhh... Me?

Monty: No, it was Ganondorf.

Bowser: ...

Bowser roasts the Monty Mole.

Monty: I hate my life...

(Bowser's control room)

Smith: Bowser? BOWWSER?! Hmm... He's not here. That's odd.

Bowser: Aha! It worked! I'm invisible!

Smith: Bowser?!

Bowser: Yep! You see, I wished I was invisible!

Smith: Wow, that's actually pretty smart! Where are you?

Bowser: In here!

Smith opens up a cupboard and finds Bowser stuffed inside.

Smith: ... I should've known.

Bowser: What? I was invisible!

Smith: Oh, brother. I still don't understand why you don't just wish that the world was yours.

Bowser: It's not that simple!

Smith: What could be simpler?!

Bowser: Oh, yeah? Well, YOU try wishing that the world was yours!

Bowser hands Smith the Star Rod.

Smith: Gasp! ... Y-you're giving me the Star Rod?! I-I don't believe it! There... there are so many possibilities! I wish I had my old name back, for one!

The Star Rod glows.

Isaac Josephstein: D-did it work?! YES! Oh, I'm so happy! Now, at last, I wish that the world was mi-

Bowser: NOPE! Too late! You had your chance!

Bowser takes the Star Rod back.

Isaac: Wha- NOO!!! It's not fair!

Bowser: Just who do you think you are?! What's your name, anyway?

Isaac: I've been serving in your army for fifteen years and you still don't know?! It's Isaac Josephstein!

Bowser: Hmm... Your name is too long. I wish your name was Smith!

The Star Rod glows.

Smith: Aww, WHY ME?! I mean, I knew this was going to happen, but the author blackmailed me into doing thi-

John Koopa: Uuh... SCENE CHANGE!!!

(E. Gadd's house)

Mario: Hey, E. Gadd! We got the Sacred Bean!

E. Gadd: Excellent! Good work!

Bootler: I say, old bomb, who do we have the pleasure of addressing?

E. Gadd: Say, Mario, you have met a lot of allies so far. Why don't you all introduce yourselves?

Bootler: Good day, I'm Bootler.

E. Gadd: Hello, I'm E. Gadd!

Shif T: Yo, I'm Shif T!

E. Gadd: Hi, Shif T!

Rob-omb: Hi!

E. Gadd: I already know you.

Bootler: What was your name again?

E. Gadd: E. Gadd!

Bootler: Oh, yeah! I'm Bootler!

Shif T: Hi, I'm Shif T!

Luigi: Stop it.

Shif T: What did he say?

E. Gadd: I said hello!

Shif T: Oh, hello! I'm Shif T!

E. Gadd: Hi, I'm E. Gadd!

Bootler: Good day. I'm Bootler!

E. Gadd: Hello!

Luigi: Stop it!

Mario: What?

E. Gadd: Hello!

Mario: Hi!

Rob-omb: Hello!

Shif T: Who?

Mario: What?

Rob-omb: Hey!

Luigi: STOP IT!!!


E. Gadd: ... Err... Sorry. Well, now that we're all introduced, let's discuss the next Sacred Bean.

Mario: Where is it?

E. Gadd: It's in a giant toybox.

Luigi: A giant TOYBOX?!

Shif T: Only in a video game...

E. Gadd: Well, we're not in a videogame, we're in a bad parody of one! Now, if you'll just let me continue, we can get on with our lives!

Shif T: Jeeze, what's with you?

E. Gadd: I'm angry because my lake-cleaning duties didn't work! I washed out!

Mario: What happened?

E. Gadd: I wanted to go for a swim and the lake exploded.

Everyone Else: ...

E. Gadd: All right, I'm okay. Anyway, yes, the next Sacred Bean is in a giant toybox called the "Looney Bin".

Mario: The Looney Bin? Why's it called that?

E. Gadd: It used to be a giant playroom for Shy Guys, but since all Shy Guys are thieves, it became an insane asylum for kleptomaniacs.

Shif T: Oh, yeah, I remember! I got kicked out of there for being too sane and kind!

Luigi: Why me?!

E. Gadd: You know, though, maybe I should just give up on my inventions... They never work...

Luigi: Yes!

Mario: Aww, don't give up, E. Gadd! After all, where would we be if we gave up whenever the going got tough?

E. Gadd: Hey... you're right! I can't give up! I'll keep working harder at it until I succeed! Thanks, Mario!

Luigi: ... Dang.

Mario: All right, guys, LET'S-A-

Luigi: Don't say it!

(Later, on the plains to the north...)

Plane: We have arrived.

Luigi: (Man, that plane took so long, sometimes I thinks it's
flying around in circles!)

Plane: (Man, I can't believe those idiots don't know I'm just
flying in circles!)

Mario: Now, where can we find the entrance?

Luigi: We haven't even found the building yet!

Rob-omb: Well, no one said that finding the Sacred Bean would be easy.

Mario: What's a Sacred Bean?

Rob-omb: I rest my case.

Shif T: Hey, Luigi, look!

Luigi: (looking away) What?

Shif T: (holding Luigi's wallet) Huh, I could've sworn I saw something.

Luigi: Hey, did you just steal my wallet?

Shif T: (hiding the wallet) Whatever do you mean?

Mario: Hey, Luigi, look!

Luigi: (kooking away) What?

Mario: (holding Luigi's cell phone) I could've sworn I saw something.

Shif T: Hey, this is my turf, Mario!

Rob-omb: Hey, Luigi, look!

Luigi: Oh, no, I'm not falling for-

(A giant Thwomp crushes Luigi.)

Luigi: ... WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?!

Shif T: Hmm... I think someone launched that at us on purpose. We must be nearby!

Mario: Hey, guys, look! It's a giant toybox!

Rob-omb: It must be the Looney Bin!

Luigi: Well, what other stupid-looking building full of toys exists?

Rob-omb: Toys R Us.

Mario: Aha, a bridge!

Toll Guy: Hold it right there! Where do you think YOU'RE going?

Mario: Across the bridge.

Toll Guy: None shall pass without paying my toll.

Mario moves forward.

Toll Guy: None shall pass.

Mario moves forward again.

Toll Guy: None shall pass!

Mario does it again.

Toll Guy: NONE SHALL PASS!!! Jeeze, what's wrong with you?!

Luigi: How much is your toll?

Toll Guy: Uhh... I don't know. I never thought anyone would ask that.

Shif T: Hey, Toll Guy, look!

Toll Guy: (looking away) What?

Mario and Co. run across the bridge.

Toll Guy: Well, I didn't see any- Hey, I could've sworn I saw five people and a plane here...


Rob-omb: Well, it looks like we're here!

They come up to a large doorway high up on an extremely tall ledge.

Luigi: Great, now how can we get up there?

Mario: I've got it! The plane can fly up there with my flashlight and turn it on, then we can climb up the beam!

Rob-omb: You must think I'm pretty dumb, huh? I know what he'll do! As soon as I get halfway up, he'll turn it off!

Luigi: I can't believe I got myself into this nonsense...

Shif T: Why don't we just fly up there in the plane?

Mario: Oh. I hadn't thought of that.

They fly up. Mario jumps onto the ledge, Shif T makes it easily, Luigi jumps and an anvil falls on him and he plummets, and Rob-omb lands safely.

Mario: Good, we made it!

Rob-omb: Hey, where's Luigi?

Luigi Super Jumps onto the ledge.

Rob-omb: Oh, there you are.

Mario: Come on, let's go!

Luigi: Grumble... grr...

(Inside the Looney Bin)

Luigi: Woah... This place is weird...

Rob-omb: An insane asylum for kleptomaniacs... Shif T, you say you got kicked out of here for being too kind?

Shif T: And too sane.

Luigi: Perfect. So, what now?

Mario: Let's ask somebody for directions.

They see a Shy Guy wearing a doctor’s coat talking to a blue Chuboomba.

Baron Von Bon Bon: I'M NOT INSANE!!!

Doctor Guy: Generally, when somebody believes they have soldiers made out of dessert, it means they are probably crazy.

Baron: Oh, yeah? Wait 'til my Crumpet Guards get here!


Luigi: What the?! I thought we beat you!

Baron: What, you thought I was gone forever just because you beat me up? This isn't Fire Emblem!

Mario: Why are you here, then?

Baron: After I lost, Bowser sent me here as punishment! GRR! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!

The Baron tries to rush at Mario, but Doctor Guy gives him an anesthetic.

Baron: I... hate... you...

Luigi: Umm... I think we should go somewhere else now.

(Bowser Castle)

Smith: Okay, I've had just about enough sitting here doing nothing.

Bowser: Hold it! Where do you think you're going?!

Smith: If we do nothing, Mario will get the next Sacred Bean with no trouble. But I can deal with them all in one fell swoop!

Smith leaves.

(In the Looney Bin)

Luigi: Okay, I think we should be very quiet, so no one finds us...

Mario: OKAY!!!

Shif T: SHHH!!!

German Guy: Vee don't "Shush" here! I "Shush" here! SHUSH!!!

Luigi: Oooookaaaayyy... Moving on.

Suddenly the sound of a cannon firing is heard.

German Guy: Vee don't *fires cannon* here! I *fires cannon* here!

Mario: Someone must be shooting at us! DUCK!!!

Luigi: No, it could be a trap! Don't move!

Rob-omb: Are you kidding?! Let's bolt!

Mario: Duck!

Luigi: Don't move!

Rob-omb: Let's bolt!

Mario: Duck!

Luigi: Don't move!

Rob-omb: Let's bolt!

Shif T: STOP!!! It's just a toy cannon.

Mario: Oh, yeah. Toybox. Hmm... It says, "Made in China".

Rob-omb: Every toy is made in China now!

Luigi: Can we just keep moving?!

Suddenly three Koopas jump out of nowhere.

Koopa 1: Aha! You fell into our trap! Now we have you!

Mario: Uhh... No you don't.

Bootler: I say, old chap, let's show them!

Koopas: ATTACK!!

{Battle Sequence}

Mario: 80 HP
Luigi: 100 HP
Shif T: 95 HP
Rob-omb: 80 HP
Bootler: 3 HP
Plane: 50 HP
Koopa 1: 10 HP
Koopa 2: 10 HP
Koopa 3: 9 HP

Koopa 3: Why me?!

Koopa 1: Enough! Are you guys ready?

Koopa 2: Ready!

(The Koopas all roll over onto their shells.)

Luigi: But, that makes you totally helpless! You can't get up!

Koopa 1: And that, sadly, is the way of the turtle...

Koopa 3: Why me?!

{Battle Over}

Luigi: Wow, that was just pathetic.

Shif T: Let's keep moving.


Luigi: AAGH!!! I can't take it anymore! This is the seventh time a Shy Guy has tried to steal my wallet!

Shy Guy: Hehe!

Shif T crushes him.

Shy Guy: Oww...

Mario: Why haven't they gotten your wallet?

Luigi: Well, for some reason, I haven't had it since we arrived.

Shif T whistles guiltily.

Rob-omb: Plus, I can't get away from those freaky salesmen!

Insurance Guy: Hey, buddy! You need insurance? Well, you can save 15 percent or more on car insurance by switching to Geico!

Mario: This place is nuts...

Shif T: Hence the name "Looney Bin"...

Mario: Well, if I see one more Sly Guy...

Sly Guy: Fishsticks! Get yer' fishsticks here!

Mario: THAT'S IT!!!

{Battle Sequence}

Mario: 80 HP
Sly Guys: 60 HP each

(Sly Guys: 0 HP)

{Battle Over}

Luigi: ...

Rob-omb: ... WOAH!!! How'd you do that?!

Mario: Do what?

Shif T: That!

Mario: What?

Luigi: You just beat twenty guys in one hit!

Mario: I did?

Bootler: Of course! Don't you remember?

Mario: Remember what?

Luigi: How you did it!

Mario: Did what?

Luigi: THAT MOVE!!!

Mario: What move?

Shif T: Wha- You just... never mind.

Rob-omb: We really should get moving. I mean, the author's just making this up as he goes along now.

John Koopa: Hey, I am not!

Rob-omb: Then where are we going?

John Koopa: Well... err... Over there.

Rob-omb: Over where?

John Koopa: Bye!

Rob-omb: *sigh...*

They proceed down a long, dark corridor.

???: Heh heh heh! Took you long enough to get here!

Mario: Huh?

Suddenly they see a green-clad Kooparol leap down from a ledge.

???: Hah hah hah! I'm glad you're finally here! Now I can take you apart myself!

Luigi: Who are you?!

???: Heh, you're quick to the point! Know my name well, for I am your executioner! I am known as Koopatrol Smith!

Mario: You mean like the Matrix?

Bootler: I say, if you mean to get in our way, you'd better be ready to get thrashed!

Smith: Hmph! Awfully eager to get crushed, are we? Very well! Now for my master plan!

Suddenly a large cage falls from the ceiling.

Shif T: Look out!!!

Shif T quickly leaps out of the way, the plane flies out of the way, and Luigi barely dashes out from under the bars in time.

Mario: Ack! What the?!

Smith: Hah! Now I've got you, Mario! Plus, your entire group has been split in half!

Rob-omb: Help! We're trapped!

Mario: Wait, Bootler, why don't you just float through the bars?

Bootler: Sorry, but I can't float through iron.

Mario: *sigh...* Just when I though you couldn't get any more useless...

Smith: Enough of this! Magikoopas, take them away!

Five black-robed Magikoopas appear and teleport away with the cage.

Shif T: Arrgh! 130MB, why didn't you warn us?!

Plane: Insufficient data to respond.

Luigi: Arg! Smith! You may have gotten Mario, but what's gonna save you from us?!

Smith: Hah! Now, Luigi, I thought you were smarter than that!

Luigi: Aarrgh! That's it! You're goin' down hard!!!

{Battle Sequence}

Luigi: 100 HP
Shif T: 95 HP
Plane: 50 HP
Smith: 675 HP

Luigi: WHAT THE?!

Smith: Haha! I tried to warn you!

Luigi: Oh, yeah? Well, warn this! Green Inferno!
(A massive, flaming meteor crashes down on Smith, bathing him in blazing green flames.)
Smith: Really, now, Luigi, is that the best you can do? (Smith: 658 HP)

Luigi: Arrgh! His defense is ridiculous!

Shif T: Well, then, let's lower it! Shakedown!!
(Smith: DEF lowered)

Smith: Hmph. It will do you no good.

Plane: Would anyone like a smoothie?

Luigi: WHAT?!

Smith: Quiet, 130MB!

Luigi: Wait, how do you-

Smith: Enough. Playtime's over! Luigi, you're a brave fighter, but you can't handle this! Mach Speed Dash!!
(Smith charges at Luigi and slams his spiked helmet into him.)
Luigi: GYUUAAH!!!
(Luigi: 35 HP)

Shif T: Luigi! Get behind me! Go, Flip Slam!
(Shif T knocks Smith onto his back.)

Luigi: Good thinking! Koopas can't fight on their backs!

Smith: Want to bet?
Luigi: Wha-?!
(Smith spins around in his shell and flies at Luigi and Co, tearing through their ranks.)
(Luigi: 0 HP)
(Shif T: 22 HP)
(Plane: 34 HP)

Luigi: It was almost worth it... to hear the text box say... Luigi and Co...

Shif T: Noo!!! Luigi!!!

Plane: Initiating retreat.

The plane flees.

Shif T: What?! Arrgh!!!

Smith: Care to continue the battle?

Shif T: No... I know when I'm beaten.

Shif T flees the battle.

{Battle Over}

(Much later, in a far corner of the Looney Bin...)

Luigi: Ugghh... What happened?

Shif T: We got thrashed, that's what happened.

Luigi: Yeah, but the text box said "Luigi and Co." Can you believe it?!

Shif T: Oh, brother...

Luigi: Yeah, well, I bet we could've done better if the plane had actually attacked! Why didn't you?!

Plane: Insufficient data to answer.

Shif T: I'm getting tired of that...

Luigi: Wait, when the cage came down, how many of my teammates escaped with me?

Shif T: Just me and the plane.

Luigi: Oh, COME ON!!! Why is it that I get stuck with my two least favorite teammates?!

Shif T: Hey, what's wrong with me?!

Luigi: You're a thief, and you stole my wallet!

Shif T: Point taken... But what about 130MB?

Luigi: He's trying to kill me!

Shif T: Oh, I'm sure you're just exagerating.

We see the plane with an anvil hanging over Luigi's head.

Luigi: NO I'M NOT!

Shif T: Come on, we've got work to to.

(Deeper in the Looney Bin)

Shif T: I swear, if I see one more Phone Solicitor Guy...

German Guy: Vee don't swear here!

Luigi: All right, THAT'S IT!

(One brutal mauling later...)

Shif T: Wow, I don't think I've ever seen someone's body twisted at that angle before.

Luigi: Hey, look! I've never seen that kind of Shy Guy before!

They walk up to an Anti Guy trying to open a pickle jar.

Luigi: Who are you?

Anti Guy: Oh, good day. How are you?

Luigi: Hey, he seems nice! And smart, too! But what's your name?

Anti Guy: I don't remember. Let me ask Wilson.

Shif T: Who's Wilson?

Anti Guy holds up the pickle jar.

Anti Guy: This is Wilson.

Luigi: Oh, I give up.

Anti Guy: I've been trying to open up the jar all day because Wilson told me to, but I can't open it up. So, because he has bested me, I must accompany him.

Luigi: An Anti Guy who talks to a pickle jar...

Shif T: Good day, sir. Would you tell me where we can find a Sacred Bean?

Anti Guy: Here, let me ask Wilson... He says it's in the grocery store.

Luigi: A grocery store?

Anti Guy: Here, let me show you.

Shif T: Psst, Luigi?

Luigi: Yeah?

Shif T: You know, the only reason he couldn't open the jar is because he was pulling on the glass, not the lid.

Luigi: Wow. Should we tell him?

Shif T: No, I'm not sure how he'd react. Let's just follow him.

They follow Anti Guy to a large grocery store.

Luigi: Wow, I had to see it to believe it. A grocery store in a toybox.

Shif T: Well, let's go.

Anti Guy: Well, I'm glad I could help you find your way to the moon.

Luigi: Boy, you're crazy.

Anti Guy: Wilson, do you think I'm crazy? ... He asked "How crazy?"

Everyone else: ...

Shif T: Well, goodbye.

Anti Guy: Wait, can I come with you?

Luigi: WHAAT?!

Anti Guy: I want to leave this place! Can't I come with you? I fight well!

Luigi: No way.

Anti Guy: I can help you here! I anti Shy Guys!

Luigi: Wait, your antis are Shy Guys?!

Anti Guy: Yeppers!

Luigi: A Shy Guy that antis Shy Guys...

Plane: My analysis shows it to be true.

Luigi: Unbelievable...

Shif T: Well, we need all the help we can get, and he does look like a good fighter...

Luigi: *sigh...* All right, I guess...

Anti Guy: Yippee!!!
(Party members: 4)

Shif T: All right, let's go in.

(Inside the grocery store)

Luigi: Hmm... quaint.

Market Guy: Canned goods at $2 per can. Salon stakes at $15 dollars per pound.

Shif T: Jeeze, talk about high prices.

Anti Guy: Don't worry, I can one-shot-KO any Shy Guys we see.

Luigi: Good. So, where is the Sacred Bean?

Anti Guy: Huh?

Luigi: Remember? The Sacred Bean?

Anti Guy: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Luigi: Oh, no, not again...

Shif T: Look out!

Sly Guy: Hey, it's those creeps!

Lady Guy: We've got to tell the boss!

Guy Guy: Let's bolt!

Shif T: We have to stop them! Anti Guy, take 'em down!

Anti Guy: Wilson says "Got it"!

{Battle Sequence}

Sly Guy: 80 HP
Lady Guy: 80 HP
Guy Guy: 2 HP

Anti Guy: Go, one shot KO! Wet Fire!
Sly Guy: 79 HP
Lady Guy: 79 HP
Guy Guy: 1 HP

Enemies fled from battle.

{Battle Ended}

Shif T: WHAT?! You said you anti Shy Guys!

Anti Guy: Yes, but those technically aren't Shy Guys.

Luigi: GRR! Another useless teammate?! Unbelievable! Now they'll tell their boss!

Shif T: Even I'm starting to regret adding you.

Anti Guy: Wilson says sorry...

Luigi: Well, you tell Wilson-

Shif T: Wait... Can you hear that?

Luigi: It sounds like... A TANK?!

Suddenly a tank crashes through the wall.

General Guy: I am General Guy! How dare you invade this realm?!

Suddenly a boat crashes through the wall.

Admiral Guy: I am Admiral Guy! How dare you disrupt the sanctity of the Looney Bin?!

Suddenly a bomber crashes through the ceiling.

Colonel Guy: I am Colonel Guy! You won't escape us!

Random Guy: And I am Random Guy! I only have one line, so my life seems pretty meaningless...

Luigi: Why can't anyone use the front door?!

An army of Shy Guys crashes through the front door.

Luigi: That's NOT what I had in mind!

Shy Guys: You'll never defeat us!

Luigi: We're completely surrounded!

Shif T: Don't worry, I know what to do.

Shif T sneaks away.

Luigi: Great, he just left me here alone!

Anti Guy: We're still here!

Luigi: Exactly, he left me alone with you!

General Guy: Enough! Ready... aim...

Suddenly Shif T's voice is heard on the store intercom.

Shif T: Uh, canned goods, five coins per can. I repeat, five coins per can!

Shy Guys: Huh?

Shif T: Salon stakes at $1 per pound! Caviar, two jars for three coins! The chance of a lifetime, caviar at three coins for two jars!

Admiral Guy: I can't let that go by. My wife would kill me!

Admiral Guy and several Shy Guys leave.

Shif T: Two pounds of butter free with every loaf of bread!

Colonel Guy and more Shy Guys leave.

Shif T: Buy one take two, buy two take four!


The Shy Guys charge down the aisles and grab everything they can.

Shif T (coming back): See? I told you it was all good!

Luigi: Great work! I misjudged you!

Shif T: It's okay.

General Guy: Sorry to rain on your parade, but I'm not falling for that! Now, you must face ME!


Luigi: 105 HP
Shif T: 100 HP
Plane: 50 HP
Anti Guy: 40 HP
General Guy: 230 HP

Luigi: Go, Super Jump!
(General Guy: 210 HP)

Shif T: Go, Wallet Slap!
(Shif T steals General Guy's wallet and slaps him with it.)
General Guy: Hey, my mom just got me that wallet!
(General Guy: 190 HP)

Plane: Anvil Crush!
(The plane drops an anvil on Luigi.)
Luigi: Owww!!!
(Luigi: 92 HP)

Anti Guy: Jar Slap!
(Anti Guy slaps himself with the pickle jar.)
(Anti Guy: 37 HP)

Luigi: Why do I have such lousy partners? ... And Shif T?

Shif T: Thanks.

General Guy: Now, fools, prepare yourselves! Tank Running Over Attack!
Plane: That's the worst name I've ever hea-
(General Guy's tank runs over the plane.)
(Plane: 38 HP)

Luigi: Wahoo!!!

Shif T: Wait, why didn't you just fly over it?!

Plane: I was too busy counting my anvils.

Luigi: Enough! Suicide Bro Attack!
(Luigi hurls the plane at General Guy.)
(General Guy: 189 HP)

Shif T: And you call them lame! Go, Backstab!
(Shif T holds a sword behind his back, jumps backwards, and stabs the tank's armor.)

Luigi: Why would you stab the tank's armor?!

Shif T: I thought I'd try the greater of two evils.

Plane: Go, Milkshake Blast!
(The plane splashes a milkshake on General Guy.)
General Guy: NOO!!! I'm lactose intolerant!!!
(General Guy: 143 HP)

Anti Guy: Jar Slap!
(Anti Guy slaps himself with the jar again.)
(Anti Guy: 34 HP)

Luigi: Why do you keep doing that?!

Anti Guy: Wilson told me to. He's mad at me.

Luigi: Arrgh...

General Guy: Now, prepare yourself for my Mega Cannon!
(General Guy fires the tank cannon.)
Plane (dodging the attack): Hah! You missed-
(The cannonball turns around and hits the plane.)
(Plane: 29 HP)

Luigi: Wahoo!!! My move! Go, Green Gas!
(Luigi farts on General Guy.)
(General Guy: 123 HP)

General Guy: Uugh! Don't you have any class?!

Shif T: Suitcase Smash!
(Shif T pulls out a suitcase and smashes it.)

Everyone else: ...

Shif T: What? I just don't like suitcases.

Plane: Bom Bay Mayhem!
(General Guy: 98 HP)

Luigi: Finally, a useful move.

Plane: Shut it.

Anti Guy: Jar Slapper!
(Anti Guy smashes General Guy with the jar.)
(General Guy: 79 HP)

Luigi: Woah, that's one sturdy jar.

General Guy: Grr! That's it! Giga Cannon!!
(Shif T: 86 HP)

Luigi: Wait, isn't that the same cannon as before?

General Guy: Quiet, you!

Luigi: Oh, yeah? Eat this! Green Inferno!
General Guy: Arrrgh!!!
(General Guy: 37 HP)

Shif T: We're gonna do it! Stop Watch!!
(Shif T stops General Guy's watch.)
General Guy: Great, now I'm gonna miss my shows! (General Guy: 28 HP)

Plane: Missile Launcher!
(General Guy: 22 HP)

General Guy: Noo!!

Anti Guy: Mop Smack!
(Anti Guy hits General Guy with a mop.)
(General Guy: 18 HP)

General Guy: Traitor! Cannon Slam!
(General Guy rips off the cannon and throws it at Anti Guy.)
Anti Guy: Did that hurt me, Wilson? ... It did.
(Anti Guy: 11 HP)

Luigi: Not a bad last ditch, but you failed! All my life, I've been playing second-banana to Mario, and now I'll prove I'm just as good as he is! EMERALD PHOENIX!!!
General Guy: NOOOOO!!!
(General Guy: 0 HP)


Shif T: WE DID IT!!!

Luigi: YEEHAWW!!!

Shy Guys: Not so fast! You'll pay for this!

Suddenly Anti Guy throws a square ball and crushes the Shy Guys.

Shif T: Wow, he really does anti Shy Guys!

Luigi: Yeah, but a square ball?

Shif T: Never mind that. Where's the Sacred Bean?

Anti Guy: Oh... Wilson said it was in my pocket the whole time.

Luigi: WHAT?! Then why did you say it was in the store?!

Anti Guy: Wilson was mad because I couldn't open the jar.


Shif T: Luigi, I know what you're thinking, but please don't kill him. It's too early.

Anti Guy: Here you go!

Luigi: Yesss!!!

Luigi grabs it.

Shif T: Finally!

Luigi: I got-a the Sacred Bean!!!

Shif T: ... Sorry, but it sounds better with Mario.

Luigi: ...

Shif T: Speaking of which, I wonder how they are, anyway?

(In a dark room far away)

Mario: Well, we've been stuck in here for hours now. I wonder what Luigi's been up to?

Rob-omb: Well, what should we do while we try to figure something out?

Bootler: Well... would anyone like any toast?

Everyone else: SOMEBODY HELP US!!!

Read on!

Comments, suggestions, stories, or story ideas? Email me!
Go back to Lemmy's Fun Fiction.
Go back to my main page.