Chapter 4: The Looney Bin
(Bowser Castle)
Princess Peach: You know, Twinkie, I really think we should try to help Mario.
Twinkie: How? Bowser and his cronies may be stupid, but that Koopatrol Smith will stop us!
Peach: Yeah, but we still have the secret passage, and we can move about the corridors without much trouble.
Twinkie: All right, let's take a look around.
(In the corridors)
Peach: Hey, Twinkie, look at that!
A Monty Mole wearing a tuxedo moves in front of a large blue screen.
Monty Mole: THIS... IS... JEOPARDY!!! Welcome to the show!
Peach: Wow, who would have thought Bowser provided entertainment for his troops?
Twinkie: Wait, if you're just one of Bowser's men, why aren't you trying to stop us?
Monty: I'm just a gameshow host. Would you like to play?
Peach: Sure!
Twinkie: Awesome!
Monty: Okay! Our categories today are: "Plit Secrets", "Puzzle Sloving Games", "Bowser's Castles", and "Popular Games".
Peach: I'll do Plit secrets for $400.
Monty: In Super Paper Mario, this powerful, optional Pixl can be found in the Bitlands, level one.
Twinkie: Uhh, is it Piccolo?
Monty: Nope.
Peach: Who is Barry?
Monty: Correct, and that moves you up to $400.
Peach: Puzzle-solving games for $200.
Monty: In "Professor Layton and the Last Specter", Professor Layton gets a new assistant, who turns out to be quite helpful.
Peach: Uuhh....
Twinkie: Who is Emmy Altava!
Monty: Correct! Twinkie?
Twinkie: I'll take Bowser's castles for $400.
Monty: In "Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga", this new foe takes over Bowser's flying castle.
Peach: Who is Cackletta?
Monty: Correct. Princess?
Peach: I'll take Bowser's castles for $800.
Flashing letters appear on the screen.
Monty: Ooh, the Daily Double! How much?
Peach: Uuummm... I'll go for $1600.
Monty: Making it a true daily double,
eh? Okay. In all the Mario games, not including spinoffs, how many castles
has
Bowser had total?
Peach: Uuh... err...
Monty: Your time's running out!
Peach: Uuh... 32!
Monty: CORRECT!!!
Twinkie: Do you even know how many?
Monty: Err... no... But her guess sounds good, so Peach wins!!!
Peach: WOOHOOOO!!!
Twinkie: Way to go, Princess!
Monty: And as a consolation prize, Twinkie, you receive our special Fire Flower!
Twinkie: Yes! This should help Mario!
Peach: And when we get out of here, I'm hitting the mall!
Suddenly Bowser bursts into the room.
Bowser: HEY!! What's with all the racket?!
Peach: Uhh, err...
Monty: W-w-we were just having a round of Jeopardy...
Bowser: Jeopardy?! I WANNA PLAY!!!
Monty: (Whew!) Certainly! Step right up!
Bowser: Oh, boy!
Monty: Welcome! Now, for Double Jeopardy!
Twinkie: Psst! Princess! We should leave now!
Peach: Right.
They leave.
Monty: Our categories are: "The Lost Levels", "Popular Games", "Bowser Baddies", and "Best Platformers".
Bowser: Uhh, I'll take popular games?
Monty: In the original "Legend of Zelda", who was the main antagonist?
Bowser: Uhh... Me?
Monty: No, it was Ganondorf.
Bowser: ...
Bowser roasts the Monty Mole.
Monty: I hate my life...
(Bowser's control room)
Smith: Bowser? BOWWSER?! Hmm... He's not here. That's odd.
Bowser: Aha! It worked! I'm invisible!
Smith: Bowser?!
Bowser: Yep! You see, I wished I was invisible!
Smith: Wow, that's actually pretty smart! Where are you?
Bowser: In here!
Smith opens up a cupboard and finds Bowser stuffed inside.
Smith: ... I should've known.
Bowser: What? I was invisible!
Smith: Oh, brother. I still don't understand why you don't just wish that the world was yours.
Bowser: It's not that simple!
Smith: What could be simpler?!
Bowser: Oh, yeah? Well, YOU try wishing that the world was yours!
Bowser hands Smith the Star Rod.
Smith: Gasp! ... Y-you're giving me the Star Rod?! I-I don't believe it! There... there are so many possibilities! I wish I had my old name back, for one!
The Star Rod glows.
Isaac Josephstein: D-did it work?! YES! Oh, I'm so happy! Now, at last, I wish that the world was mi-
Bowser: NOPE! Too late! You had your chance!
Bowser takes the Star Rod back.
Isaac: Wha- NOO!!! It's not fair!
Bowser: Just who do you think you are?! What's your name, anyway?
Isaac: I've been serving in your army for fifteen years and you still don't know?! It's Isaac Josephstein!
Bowser: Hmm... Your name is too long. I wish your name was Smith!
The Star Rod glows.
Smith: Aww, WHY ME?! I mean, I knew this was going to happen, but the author blackmailed me into doing thi-
John Koopa: Uuh... SCENE CHANGE!!!
(E. Gadd's house)
Mario: Hey, E. Gadd! We got the Sacred Bean!
E. Gadd: Excellent! Good work!
Bootler: I say, old bomb, who do we have the pleasure of addressing?
E. Gadd: Say, Mario, you have met a lot of allies so far. Why don't you all introduce yourselves?
Bootler: Good day, I'm Bootler.
E. Gadd: Hello, I'm E. Gadd!
Shif T: Yo, I'm Shif T!
E. Gadd: Hi, Shif T!
Rob-omb: Hi!
E. Gadd: I already know you.
Bootler: What was your name again?
E. Gadd: E. Gadd!
Bootler: Oh, yeah! I'm Bootler!
Shif T: Hi, I'm Shif T!
Luigi: Stop it.
Shif T: What did he say?
E. Gadd: I said hello!
Shif T: Oh, hello! I'm Shif T!
E. Gadd: Hi, I'm E. Gadd!
Bootler: Good day. I'm Bootler!
E. Gadd: Hello!
Luigi: Stop it!
Mario: What?
E. Gadd: Hello!
Mario: Hi!
Rob-omb: Hello!
Shif T: Who?
Mario: What?
Rob-omb: Hey!
Luigi: STOP IT!!!
Silence…
E. Gadd: ... Err... Sorry. Well, now that we're all introduced, let's discuss the next Sacred Bean.
Mario: Where is it?
E. Gadd: It's in a giant toybox.
Luigi: A giant TOYBOX?!
Shif T: Only in a video game...
E. Gadd: Well, we're not in a videogame, we're in a bad parody of one! Now, if you'll just let me continue, we can get on with our lives!
Shif T: Jeeze, what's with you?
E. Gadd: I'm angry because my lake-cleaning duties didn't work! I washed out!
Mario: What happened?
E. Gadd: I wanted to go for a swim and the lake exploded.
Everyone Else: ...
E. Gadd: All right, I'm okay. Anyway, yes, the next Sacred Bean is in a giant toybox called the "Looney Bin".
Mario: The Looney Bin? Why's it called that?
E. Gadd: It used to be a giant playroom for Shy Guys, but since all Shy Guys are thieves, it became an insane asylum for kleptomaniacs.
Shif T: Oh, yeah, I remember! I got kicked out of there for being too sane and kind!
Luigi: Why me?!
E. Gadd: You know, though, maybe I should just give up on my inventions... They never work...
Luigi: Yes!
Mario: Aww, don't give up, E. Gadd! After all, where would we be if we gave up whenever the going got tough?
E. Gadd: Hey... you're right! I can't give up! I'll keep working harder at it until I succeed! Thanks, Mario!
Luigi: ... Dang.
Mario: All right, guys, LET'S-A-
Luigi: Don't say it!
(Later, on the plains to the north...)
Plane: We have arrived.
Luigi: (Man, that plane took so long,
sometimes I thinks it's
flying around in circles!)
Plane: (Man, I can't believe those idiots
don't know I'm just
flying in circles!)
Mario: Now, where can we find the entrance?
Luigi: We haven't even found the building yet!
Rob-omb: Well, no one said that finding the Sacred Bean would be easy.
Mario: What's a Sacred Bean?
Rob-omb: I rest my case.
Shif T: Hey, Luigi, look!
Luigi: (looking away) What?
Shif T: (holding Luigi's wallet) Huh, I could've sworn I saw something.
Luigi: Hey, did you just steal my wallet?
Shif T: (hiding the wallet) Whatever do you mean?
Mario: Hey, Luigi, look!
Luigi: (kooking away) What?
Mario: (holding Luigi's cell phone) I could've sworn I saw something.
Shif T: Hey, this is my turf, Mario!
Rob-omb: Hey, Luigi, look!
Luigi: Oh, no, I'm not falling for-
(A giant Thwomp crushes Luigi.)
Luigi: ... WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?!
Shif T: Hmm... I think someone launched that at us on purpose. We must be nearby!
Mario: Hey, guys, look! It's a giant toybox!
Rob-omb: It must be the Looney Bin!
Luigi: Well, what other stupid-looking building full of toys exists?
Rob-omb: Toys R Us.
Mario: Aha, a bridge!
Toll Guy: Hold it right there! Where do you think YOU'RE going?
Mario: Across the bridge.
Toll Guy: None shall pass without paying my toll.
Mario moves forward.
Toll Guy: None shall pass.
Mario moves forward again.
Toll Guy: None shall pass!
Mario does it again.
Toll Guy: NONE SHALL PASS!!! Jeeze, what's wrong with you?!
Luigi: How much is your toll?
Toll Guy: Uhh... I don't know. I never thought anyone would ask that.
Shif T: Hey, Toll Guy, look!
Toll Guy: (looking away) What?
Mario and Co. run across the bridge.
Toll Guy: Well, I didn't see any- Hey, I could've sworn I saw five people and a plane here...
(Later)
Rob-omb: Well, it looks like we're here!
They come up to a large doorway high up on an extremely tall ledge.
Luigi: Great, now how can we get up there?
Mario: I've got it! The plane can fly up there with my flashlight and turn it on, then we can climb up the beam!
Rob-omb: You must think I'm pretty dumb, huh? I know what he'll do! As soon as I get halfway up, he'll turn it off!
Luigi: I can't believe I got myself into this nonsense...
Shif T: Why don't we just fly up there in the plane?
Mario: Oh. I hadn't thought of that.
They fly up. Mario jumps onto the ledge, Shif T makes it easily, Luigi jumps and an anvil falls on him and he plummets, and Rob-omb lands safely.
Mario: Good, we made it!
Rob-omb: Hey, where's Luigi?
Luigi Super Jumps onto the ledge.
Rob-omb: Oh, there you are.
Mario: Come on, let's go!
Luigi: Grumble... grr...
(Inside the Looney Bin)
Luigi: Woah... This place is weird...
Rob-omb: An insane asylum for kleptomaniacs... Shif T, you say you got kicked out of here for being too kind?
Shif T: And too sane.
Luigi: Perfect. So, what now?
Mario: Let's ask somebody for directions.
They see a Shy Guy wearing a doctor’s coat talking to a blue Chuboomba.
Baron Von Bon Bon: I'M NOT INSANE!!!
Doctor Guy: Generally, when somebody believes they have soldiers made out of dessert, it means they are probably crazy.
Baron: Oh, yeah? Wait 'til my Crumpet Guards get here!
Mario: BARON VON BON BON?!
Luigi: What the?! I thought we beat you!
Baron: What, you thought I was gone forever just because you beat me up? This isn't Fire Emblem!
Mario: Why are you here, then?
Baron: After I lost, Bowser sent me here as punishment! GRR! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!
The Baron tries to rush at Mario, but Doctor Guy gives him an anesthetic.
Baron: I... hate... you...
Luigi: Umm... I think we should go somewhere
else now.
(Bowser Castle)
Smith: Okay, I've had just about enough sitting here doing nothing.
Bowser: Hold it! Where do you think you're going?!
Smith: If we do nothing, Mario will get the next Sacred Bean with no trouble. But I can deal with them all in one fell swoop!
Smith leaves.
(In the Looney Bin)
Luigi: Okay, I think we should be very quiet, so no one finds us...
Mario: OKAY!!!
Shif T: SHHH!!!
German Guy: Vee don't "Shush" here! I "Shush" here! SHUSH!!!
Luigi: Oooookaaaayyy... Moving on.
Suddenly the sound of a cannon firing is heard.
German Guy: Vee don't *fires cannon* here! I *fires cannon* here!
Mario: Someone must be shooting at us! DUCK!!!
Luigi: No, it could be a trap! Don't move!
Rob-omb: Are you kidding?! Let's bolt!
Mario: Duck!
Luigi: Don't move!
Rob-omb: Let's bolt!
Mario: Duck!
Luigi: Don't move!
Rob-omb: Let's bolt!
Shif T: STOP!!! It's just a toy cannon.
Mario: Oh, yeah. Toybox. Hmm... It says, "Made in China".
Rob-omb: Every toy is made in China now!
Luigi: Can we just keep moving?!
Suddenly three Koopas jump out of nowhere.
Koopa 1: Aha! You fell into our trap! Now we have you!
Mario: Uhh... No you don't.
Bootler: I say, old chap, let's show them!
Koopas: ATTACK!!
{Battle Sequence}
Mario: 80 HP
Luigi: 100 HP
Shif T: 95 HP
Rob-omb: 80 HP
Bootler: 3 HP
Plane: 50 HP
Vs.
Koopa 1: 10 HP
Koopa 2: 10 HP
Koopa 3: 9 HP
Koopa 3: Why me?!
Koopa 1: Enough! Are you guys ready?
Koopa 2: Ready!
Koopas: UPSIDE DOWN TURTLE COMBO!!!
(The Koopas all roll over onto their
shells.)
Luigi: But, that makes you totally helpless! You can't get up!
Koopa 1: And that, sadly, is the way of the turtle...
Koopa 3: Why me?!
{Battle Over}
Luigi: Wow, that was just pathetic.
Shif T: Let's keep moving.
(Later)
Luigi: AAGH!!! I can't take it anymore! This is the seventh time a Shy Guy has tried to steal my wallet!
Shy Guy: Hehe!
Shif T crushes him.
Shy Guy: Oww...
Mario: Why haven't they gotten your wallet?
Luigi: Well, for some reason, I haven't had it since we arrived.
Shif T whistles guiltily.
Rob-omb: Plus, I can't get away from those freaky salesmen!
Insurance Guy: Hey, buddy! You need insurance? Well, you can save 15 percent or more on car insurance by switching to Geico!
Mario: This place is nuts...
Shif T: Hence the name "Looney Bin"...
Mario: Well, if I see one more Sly Guy...
Sly Guy: Fishsticks! Get yer' fishsticks here!
Mario: THAT'S IT!!!
{Battle Sequence}
Mario: 80 HP
Vs.
Sly Guys: 60 HP each
Mario: CRIMSON PHOENIX!!!
(Sly Guys: 0 HP)
{Battle Over}
Luigi: ...
Rob-omb: ... WOAH!!! How'd you do that?!
Mario: Do what?
Shif T: That!
Mario: What?
Luigi: You just beat twenty guys in one hit!
Mario: I did?
Bootler: Of course! Don't you remember?
Mario: Remember what?
Luigi: How you did it!
Mario: Did what?
Luigi: THAT MOVE!!!
Mario: What move?
Shif T: Wha- You just... never mind.
Rob-omb: We really should get moving. I mean, the author's just making this up as he goes along now.
John Koopa: Hey, I am not!
Rob-omb: Then where are we going?
John Koopa: Well... err... Over there.
Rob-omb: Over where?
John Koopa: Bye!
Rob-omb: *sigh...*
They proceed down a long, dark corridor.
???: Heh heh heh! Took you long enough to get here!
Mario: Huh?
Suddenly they see a green-clad Kooparol leap down from a ledge.
???: Hah hah hah! I'm glad you're finally here! Now I can take you apart myself!
Luigi: Who are you?!
???: Heh, you're quick to the point! Know my name well, for I am your executioner! I am known as Koopatrol Smith!
Mario: You mean like the Matrix?
Bootler: I say, if you mean to get in our way, you'd better be ready to get thrashed!
Smith: Hmph! Awfully eager to get crushed, are we? Very well! Now for my master plan!
Suddenly a large cage falls from the ceiling.
Shif T: Look out!!!
Shif T quickly leaps out of the way, the plane flies out of the way, and Luigi barely dashes out from under the bars in time.
Mario: Ack! What the?!
Smith: Hah! Now I've got you, Mario! Plus, your entire group has been split in half!
Rob-omb: Help! We're trapped!
Mario: Wait, Bootler, why don't you just float through the bars?
Bootler: Sorry, but I can't float through iron.
Mario: *sigh...* Just when I though you couldn't get any more useless...
Smith: Enough of this! Magikoopas, take them away!
Five black-robed Magikoopas appear and teleport away with the cage.
Shif T: Arrgh! 130MB, why didn't you warn us?!
Plane: Insufficient data to respond.
Luigi: Arg! Smith! You may have gotten Mario, but what's gonna save you from us?!
Smith: Hah! Now, Luigi, I thought you were smarter than that!
Luigi: Aarrgh! That's it! You're goin' down hard!!!
{Battle Sequence}
Luigi: 100 HP
Shif T: 95 HP
Plane: 50 HP
Vs.
Smith: 675 HP
Luigi: WHAT THE?!
Smith: Haha! I tried to warn you!
Luigi: Oh, yeah? Well, warn this! Green
Inferno!
(A massive, flaming meteor crashes
down on Smith, bathing him in blazing green flames.)
Smith: Really, now, Luigi, is that
the best you can do? (Smith: 658 HP)
Luigi: Arrgh! His defense is ridiculous!
Shif T: Well, then, let's lower it!
Shakedown!!
(Smith: DEF lowered)
Smith: Hmph. It will do you no good.
Plane: Would anyone like a smoothie?
Luigi: WHAT?!
Smith: Quiet, 130MB!
Luigi: Wait, how do you-
Smith: Enough. Playtime's over! Luigi,
you're a brave fighter, but you can't handle this! Mach Speed Dash!!
(Smith charges at Luigi and slams his
spiked helmet into him.)
Luigi: GYUUAAH!!!
(Luigi: 35 HP)
Shif T: Luigi! Get behind me! Go, Flip
Slam!
(Shif T knocks Smith onto his back.)
Luigi: Good thinking! Koopas can't fight on their backs!
Smith: Want to bet?
Luigi: Wha-?!
(Smith spins around in his shell and
flies at Luigi and Co, tearing through their ranks.)
(Luigi: 0 HP)
(Shif T: 22 HP)
(Plane: 34 HP)
Luigi: It was almost worth it... to hear the text box say... Luigi and Co...
Shif T: Noo!!! Luigi!!!
Plane: Initiating retreat.
The plane flees.
Shif T: What?! Arrgh!!!
Smith: Care to continue the battle?
Shif T: No... I know when I'm beaten.
Shif T flees the battle.
{Battle Over}
(Much later, in a far corner of the Looney Bin...)
Luigi: Ugghh... What happened?
Shif T: We got thrashed, that's what happened.
Luigi: Yeah, but the text box said "Luigi and Co." Can you believe it?!
Shif T: Oh, brother...
Luigi: Yeah, well, I bet we could've done better if the plane had actually attacked! Why didn't you?!
Plane: Insufficient data to answer.
Shif T: I'm getting tired of that...
Luigi: Wait, when the cage came down, how many of my teammates escaped with me?
Shif T: Just me and the plane.
Luigi: Oh, COME ON!!! Why is it that I get stuck with my two least favorite teammates?!
Shif T: Hey, what's wrong with me?!
Luigi: You're a thief, and you stole my wallet!
Shif T: Point taken... But what about 130MB?
Luigi: He's trying to kill me!
Shif T: Oh, I'm sure you're just exagerating.
We see the plane with an anvil hanging over Luigi's head.
Luigi: NO I'M NOT!
Shif T: Come on, we've got work to to.
(Deeper in the Looney Bin)
Shif T: I swear, if I see one more Phone Solicitor Guy...
German Guy: Vee don't swear here!
Luigi: All right, THAT'S IT!
(One brutal mauling later...)
Shif T: Wow, I don't think I've ever seen someone's body twisted at that angle before.
Luigi: Hey, look! I've never seen that kind of Shy Guy before!
They walk up to an Anti Guy trying to open a pickle jar.
Luigi: Who are you?
Anti Guy: Oh, good day. How are you?
Luigi: Hey, he seems nice! And smart, too! But what's your name?
Anti Guy: I don't remember. Let me ask Wilson.
Shif T: Who's Wilson?
Anti Guy holds up the pickle jar.
Anti Guy: This is Wilson.
Luigi: Oh, I give up.
Anti Guy: I've been trying to open up the jar all day because Wilson told me to, but I can't open it up. So, because he has bested me, I must accompany him.
Luigi: An Anti Guy who talks to a pickle jar...
Shif T: Good day, sir. Would you tell me where we can find a Sacred Bean?
Anti Guy: Here, let me ask Wilson... He says it's in the grocery store.
Luigi: A grocery store?
Anti Guy: Here, let me show you.
Shif T: Psst, Luigi?
Luigi: Yeah?
Shif T: You know, the only reason he couldn't open the jar is because he was pulling on the glass, not the lid.
Luigi: Wow. Should we tell him?
Shif T: No, I'm not sure how he'd react. Let's just follow him.
They follow Anti Guy to a large grocery store.
Luigi: Wow, I had to see it to believe it. A grocery store in a toybox.
Shif T: Well, let's go.
Anti Guy: Well, I'm glad I could help you find your way to the moon.
Luigi: Boy, you're crazy.
Anti Guy: Wilson, do you think I'm crazy? ... He asked "How crazy?"
Everyone else: ...
Shif T: Well, goodbye.
Anti Guy: Wait, can I come with you?
Luigi: WHAAT?!
Anti Guy: I want to leave this place! Can't I come with you? I fight well!
Luigi: No way.
Anti Guy: I can help you here! I anti Shy Guys!
Luigi: Wait, your antis are Shy Guys?!
Anti Guy: Yeppers!
Luigi: A Shy Guy that antis Shy Guys...
Plane: My analysis shows it to be true.
Luigi: Unbelievable...
Shif T: Well, we need all the help we can get, and he does look like a good fighter...
Luigi: *sigh...* All right, I guess...
Anti Guy: Yippee!!!
(Party members: 4)
Shif T: All right, let's go in.
(Inside the grocery store)
Luigi: Hmm... quaint.
Market Guy: Canned goods at $2 per can. Salon stakes at $15 dollars per pound.
Shif T: Jeeze, talk about high prices.
Anti Guy: Don't worry, I can one-shot-KO any Shy Guys we see.
Luigi: Good. So, where is the Sacred Bean?
Anti Guy: Huh?
Luigi: Remember? The Sacred Bean?
Anti Guy: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Luigi: Oh, no, not again...
Shif T: Look out!
Sly Guy: Hey, it's those creeps!
Lady Guy: We've got to tell the boss!
Guy Guy: Let's bolt!
Shif T: We have to stop them! Anti Guy, take 'em down!
Anti Guy: Wilson says "Got it"!
{Battle Sequence}
Sly Guy: 80 HP
Lady Guy: 80 HP
Guy Guy: 2 HP
Anti Guy: Go, one shot KO! Wet Fire!
Sly Guy: 79 HP
Lady Guy: 79 HP
Guy Guy: 1 HP
Enemies fled from battle.
{Battle Ended}
Shif T: WHAT?! You said you anti Shy Guys!
Anti Guy: Yes, but those technically aren't Shy Guys.
Luigi: GRR! Another useless teammate?! Unbelievable! Now they'll tell their boss!
Shif T: Even I'm starting to regret adding you.
Anti Guy: Wilson says sorry...
Luigi: Well, you tell Wilson-
Shif T: Wait... Can you hear that?
Luigi: It sounds like... A TANK?!
Suddenly a tank crashes through the wall.
General Guy: I am General Guy! How dare you invade this realm?!
Suddenly a boat crashes through the wall.
Admiral Guy: I am Admiral Guy! How dare you disrupt the sanctity of the Looney Bin?!
Suddenly a bomber crashes through the ceiling.
Colonel Guy: I am Colonel Guy! You won't escape us!
Random Guy: And I am Random Guy! I only have one line, so my life seems pretty meaningless...
Luigi: Why can't anyone use the front door?!
An army of Shy Guys crashes through the front door.
Luigi: That's NOT what I had in mind!
Shy Guys: You'll never defeat us!
Luigi: We're completely surrounded!
Shif T: Don't worry, I know what to do.
Shif T sneaks away.
Luigi: Great, he just left me here alone!
Anti Guy: We're still here!
Luigi: Exactly, he left me alone with you!
General Guy: Enough! Ready... aim...
Suddenly Shif T's voice is heard on the store intercom.
Shif T: Uh, canned goods, five coins per can. I repeat, five coins per can!
Shy Guys: Huh?
Shif T: Salon stakes at $1 per pound! Caviar, two jars for three coins! The chance of a lifetime, caviar at three coins for two jars!
Admiral Guy: I can't let that go by. My wife would kill me!
Admiral Guy and several Shy Guys leave.
Shif T: Two pounds of butter free with every loaf of bread!
Colonel Guy and more Shy Guys leave.
Shif T: Buy one take two, buy two take four!
Shy Guys: YEEEHAAAAWWWW!!!
The Shy Guys charge down the aisles and grab everything they can.
Shif T (coming back): See? I told you it was all good!
Luigi: Great work! I misjudged you!
Shif T: It's okay.
General Guy: Sorry to rain on your parade, but I'm not falling for that! Now, you must face ME!
{BOSS BATTLE!!!}
Luigi: 105 HP
Shif T: 100 HP
Plane: 50 HP
Anti Guy: 40 HP
Vs
General Guy: 230 HP
Luigi: Go, Super Jump!
(General Guy: 210 HP)
Shif T: Go, Wallet Slap!
(Shif T steals General Guy's wallet
and slaps him with it.)
General Guy: Hey, my mom just got me
that wallet!
(General Guy: 190 HP)
Plane: Anvil Crush!
(The plane drops an anvil on Luigi.)
Luigi: Owww!!!
(Luigi: 92 HP)
Anti Guy: Jar Slap!
(Anti Guy slaps himself with the pickle
jar.)
(Anti Guy: 37 HP)
Luigi: Why do I have such lousy partners? ... And Shif T?
Shif T: Thanks.
General Guy: Now, fools, prepare yourselves!
Tank Running Over Attack!
Plane: That's the worst name I've ever
hea-
(General Guy's tank runs over the plane.)
(Plane: 38 HP)
Luigi: Wahoo!!!
Shif T: Wait, why didn't you just fly over it?!
Plane: I was too busy counting my anvils.
Luigi: Enough! Suicide Bro Attack!
(Luigi hurls the plane at General Guy.)
(General Guy: 189 HP)
Shif T: And you call them lame! Go,
Backstab!
(Shif T holds a sword behind his back,
jumps backwards, and stabs the tank's armor.)
Luigi: Why would you stab the tank's armor?!
Shif T: I thought I'd try the greater of two evils.
Plane: Go, Milkshake Blast!
(The plane splashes a milkshake on
General Guy.)
General Guy: NOO!!! I'm lactose intolerant!!!
(General Guy: 143 HP)
Anti Guy: Jar Slap!
(Anti Guy slaps himself with the jar
again.)
(Anti Guy: 34 HP)
Luigi: Why do you keep doing that?!
Anti Guy: Wilson told me to. He's mad at me.
Luigi: Arrgh...
General Guy: Now, prepare yourself for
my Mega Cannon!
(General Guy fires the tank cannon.)
Plane (dodging the attack): Hah! You
missed-
(The cannonball turns around and hits
the plane.)
(Plane: 29 HP)
Luigi: Wahoo!!! My move! Go, Green Gas!
(Luigi farts on General Guy.)
(General Guy: 123 HP)
General Guy: Uugh! Don't you have any class?!
Shif T: Suitcase Smash!
(Shif T pulls out a suitcase and smashes
it.)
Everyone else: ...
Shif T: What? I just don't like suitcases.
Plane: Bom Bay Mayhem!
(General Guy: 98 HP)
Luigi: Finally, a useful move.
Plane: Shut it.
Anti Guy: Jar Slapper!
(Anti Guy smashes General Guy with
the jar.)
(General Guy: 79 HP)
Luigi: Woah, that's one sturdy jar.
General Guy: Grr! That's it! Giga Cannon!!
(Shif T: 86 HP)
Luigi: Wait, isn't that the same cannon as before?
General Guy: Quiet, you!
Luigi: Oh, yeah? Eat this! Green Inferno!
General Guy: Arrrgh!!!
(General Guy: 37 HP)
Shif T: We're gonna do it! Stop Watch!!
(Shif T stops General Guy's watch.)
General Guy: Great, now I'm gonna miss
my shows! (General Guy: 28 HP)
Plane: Missile Launcher!
(General Guy: 22 HP)
General Guy: Noo!!
Anti Guy: Mop Smack!
(Anti Guy hits General Guy with a mop.)
(General Guy: 18 HP)
General Guy: Traitor! Cannon Slam!
(General Guy rips off the cannon and
throws it at Anti Guy.)
Anti Guy: Did that hurt me, Wilson?
... It did.
(Anti Guy: 11 HP)
Luigi: Not a bad last ditch, but you
failed! All my life, I've been playing second-banana to Mario, and now
I'll prove I'm just as good as he is! EMERALD PHOENIX!!!
General Guy: NOOOOO!!!
(General Guy: 0 HP)
{BOSS BATTLE ENDED!!!}
Shif T: WE DID IT!!!
Luigi: YEEHAWW!!!
Shy Guys: Not so fast! You'll pay for this!
Suddenly Anti Guy throws a square ball and crushes the Shy Guys.
Shif T: Wow, he really does anti Shy Guys!
Luigi: Yeah, but a square ball?
Shif T: Never mind that. Where's the Sacred Bean?
Anti Guy: Oh... Wilson said it was in my pocket the whole time.
Luigi: WHAT?! Then why did you say it was in the store?!
Anti Guy: Wilson was mad because I couldn't open the jar.
Luigi: GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
Shif T: Luigi, I know what you're thinking, but please don't kill him. It's too early.
Anti Guy: Here you go!
Luigi: Yesss!!!
Luigi grabs it.
Shif T: Finally!
Luigi: I got-a the Sacred Bean!!!
Shif T: ... Sorry, but it sounds better with Mario.
Luigi: ...
Shif T: Speaking of which, I wonder
how they are, anyway?
(In a dark room far away)
Mario: Well, we've been stuck in here for hours now. I wonder what Luigi's been up to?
Rob-omb: Well, what should we do while we try to figure something out?
Bootler: Well... would anyone like any toast?
Everyone else: SOMEBODY HELP US!!!